Dark Days

[KaSi]

I lost my husband in November of last year. We found out he had a large brain tumor in late September, he had surgery in late October and I had to make the decision to remove him from life support 3 weeks after his surgery due to the swelling and bleeding in the brain. He had no more brain activity.

I am 37, he was 36, and we have 4 kids (17, 17, 15, 9).

Today is his 9 month anniversary... and I cannot pull myself out of a funk. It feels like the more time that passes the worse I feel, the darker my moods/thoughts get. I have my kids, especially my youngest, who keep me going, but there are days where i just dont want to be anymore. I just want to crawl into a ball and hide in the dark and stop. 

It sucks because as a mom I am looked at as the person who needs to keep going and moving forward because i do have kids and responsibilities. I am told it is okay to be sad and miss him but the expectation is to keep moving. I try hard everyday to do this, but there are days i just cant and feel terrible. I feel like a bad mom. How do i get past these feelings?

[tlc]

Hi Kasi, I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that I can say or do to ease your pain except to say that I feel it and relate to it even though my circumstances are very different to yours. I am much older than you and do not have any family who depend on me as you do. But one thing we have in common is the agony of losing our person. The one who loved us unconditionally and was our life.

It has been four years and four months since I lost Terry after nine years of treatments for cancer. I will never recover but somehow I get up each day and do what needs to be done. It is a lonely life without Terry and I can't wait to be with him again!

You are lucky in so far as you have your children who need you and love you and will give you hope and a future. Please hold on and try and stay strong for them.x