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About This Club

Grieving can bring out the dark side of us. However, how do we talk about these deep, intense emotions? Generally non-grievers do not want to hear about the angst of grieving. Share here with others about the dark side of grieving. Keep in mind to be respectful of others and their emotions. This forum will stick strictly to the topic.
  1. What's new in this club
  2. Hi Kasi, I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that I can say or do to ease your pain except to say that I feel it and relate to it even though my circumstances are very different to yours. I am much older than you and do not have any family who depend on me as you do. But one thing we have in common is the agony of losing our person. The one who loved us unconditionally and was our life. It has been four years and four months since I lost Terry after nine years of treatments for cancer. I will never recover but somehow I get up each day and do what needs to be done. It is a lonely life without Terry and I can't wait to be with him again! You are lucky in so far as you have your children who need you and love you and will give you hope and a future. Please hold on and try and stay strong for them.x
  3. I lost my husband in November of last year. We found out he had a large brain tumor in late September, he had surgery in late October and I had to make the decision to remove him from life support 3 weeks after his surgery due to the swelling and bleeding in the brain. He had no more brain activity. I am 37, he was 36, and we have 4 kids (17, 17, 15, 9). Today is his 9 month anniversary... and I cannot pull myself out of a funk. It feels like the more time that passes the worse I feel, the darker my moods/thoughts get. I have my kids, especially my youngest, who keep me going, but there are days where i just dont want to be anymore. I just want to crawl into a ball and hide in the dark and stop. It sucks because as a mom I am looked at as the person who needs to keep going and moving forward because i do have kids and responsibilities. I am told it is okay to be sad and miss him but the expectation is to keep moving. I try hard everyday to do this, but there are days i just cant and feel terrible. I feel like a bad mom. How do i get past these feelings?
  4. I lost my great grandma to colon cancer a couple months ago. I like to think she didn't lose, but that it was a draw since the cancer also died. I read that somewhere and I think its comforting. I really miss her so much. I clearly remember the last time I saw her, and I remember my last words to her where "Bye Grandma Shirley. I love you." With a hug. Looking back, I feel like I knew without knowing. I just miss her really bad and I don't know how to go through this.
  5. Bill Thornton

    The Dark Pit

    I can easily relate to so much that's been shared here, the expressed feelings of shame and guilt and the coping mechanisms that so many of us turn to. Remembering to love oneself is vital to happiness, particularly in mitigating grief. But doing so can be daunting over the days, weeks, and months when grief's cycle of guilt-->sorrow-->catharsis continues relentlessly. Birthdays and anniversaries are especially hard. Losing my little brother to an overdose that may have been a suicide (But maybe, hopefully, he didn't mean to do it???) has left me wondering constantly whether I could have done more. The answer is always yes, no matter what I try to tell myself. Still, when I step outside myself for a moment and try to imagine someone else sharing these thoughts with me, the way many of you here in this forum have, I remember that I'm not alone. I want to comfort other voices in pain. I want to encourage all of you to revisit your favorite memories and to remind you how much your departed loved one loved you. I sometimes acknowledge my brother sitting next to me, smiling patiently as he listens to every lost word aching in my heart. His smile seems to say that he wishes I wouldn't hurt so much . . .
  6. BeThePond

    The Dark Pit

    I lost my brother on April 3rd 2008. He was ripped away from this world suddenly in a tragic accident. He was in the passenger side of a truck while his friend was driving over train tracks. The truck got stuck on the tracks and the train hit the passenger side directly. The truck was hit so hard it spun around and my brother was ejected out of the passenger side door and thrown in the air 40 feet. I'm pretty sure he died from shock before being hit by the train. I've learned over the last 14 years that the intense feelings from losing someone close to you never go away but you learn how to accept those feelings as an amazing experience. I beat myself up for years trying to ignore these feelings and telling myself to just get over them and move on. That was where I was wrong. I now realize that these extreme feelings of anger and sadness and any other strong emotion are one of the most amazing parts of living this life. I now try my best to observe my feelings, WITHOUT SHAME OR GUILT, whenever they arise and I accept them and let My Self know that it's ok to feel sad or angry or happy. I still use "poor" coping strategies like drinking too much alcohol or buying things I don't need or making crazy decisions and acting spontaneously but that's also part of Me and I love the good, bad, and crazy things I do and try my best to not feel guilt or shame for acting out over my intense emotions. I also refuse to allow others to put Me down. When they try, I tell them "thank you for sharing that with me" and I carry on with my day. This newer technique of Dialectical Behavior Therapy has really helped me. You can search material on youtube and learn how to use this technique without having to pay for a therapist. The idea around DBT is to learn to accept your intense emotions and learn to Love Your SELF!!!!!! Hope this helps anyone out there who may be struggling. Never forget to LOVE YOU because all you ever need is YOU and YOU will always be there for YOUR SELF!
  7. Gabriel Klein

    The Dark Pit

    This is a very good topic. I lost my mom 7 years ago and crawled into a bottle. I was sober for a year and a half and then that 7 year anniversary popped up and I just couldn't help myself the whole month of March was me going from one drink to the next with school and work in-between. But it's not all doom and gloom, my therapist recommended that I start to open up and talk about my grief so here we are live and in full technicolor.
  8. Laura Vence

    The Dark Pit

    I know how you feel. I lost my husband to liver and heart disease just a few days before. And 11 years ago my adult son died in his sleep. I adored them both. Now I feel I have no one. When my son died, somehow I survived--by chasing to honor him. Now I'm not sure I have the strength to go on with both of them over the veil. It's all very hard. I send you support.
  9. Robert C.

    The Dark Pit

    Just joined tonight. Saw this circle and felt drawn to it. Lost our adult son to brain cancer 10-24-2021. I crawled into the pit the day of his funeral filled with greif, anger, hopelessness. Prayed for weeks on end that I would die just for relief. Now I'm just numb. Nighttime is the worst, when things get quiet and my mind runs down the rabbit hole searching for the why. Why him and not me, I'm old and have lived a life. He was just getting his adult life started and doing a wonderful job.
  10. Today it's 7 months since I lost my beloved Mother, all I had left in the world, inseparable from each other for 60 years. I am totally alone because we lost Father in 2000 and it was just the two of us since. I've had extreme separation anxiety since age 5 and now it is so off-the-charts that I can't stand being alive anymore, but I'm afraid of hurting myself or getting sick (just wish I could somehow not be here anymore). Also have to face losing the house after 39 years together in it. I try to hide from "their world" by sleeping but something happens that keeps shocking me awake just when I can't keep my eyes open anymore, some kind of flashback or wave of despair that comes over me 15 or 20 times in a row and makes me feel like I'm dying each time. Plus the dreams when they occur are heart-breaking or nightmares. So instead of the sleep-terror I go up and down the stairs in the empty house in extreme panic with nowhere to run because Mom was my sole source of calm and peace. The worst of all is being forced outside with people because of my limited employment, which I hate now because it is at a church and Mom would always be there with me (for 33 years). Being there and then going back to the empty house without her is like a living nightmare or Hell that gets worse with every repetition, while people keep telling me it's making me better and better. I'll have to face that 3 of the next 4 days. And when more stressed than usual all the horrors of Mom's 8 1/2 month sickness ordeal and the 3 months I wasn't allowed to see her hit the hardest. So the hell never stops day or night, awake or asleep no matter where I am. And if I had called the EMTs sooner than I did maybe both of our lives could have been saved.
  11. KittyKatt

    The Dark Pit

    I'm Here. I'm Listening, I understand the feeling of being alone and feeling like your drowning. If you ever want someone to listen or just chat my inbox is always open.
  12. I'm new here, and a bit unsure of what to say, but today and just lately things have been overwhelming for me. I have other issues complicating things as well, but as today is the date of my Grandmother's death and it is very much on my mind and just hurting. She was my main caretaker, my mother worked constantly and was too exhausted to be much involved, so my Grandma filled that role for many things in my life, especially childhood. It's been 7 years now, and I thought that the grief would lessen, or at least become more bearable with time, but it really seems like it hasn't, especially because of the other stress. I'm filled with regret today, more than my usual daily amount, and as before I know I will be dragging myself through the weekend while my partner breezes through it. I should have stayed longer at the hospital that day, I should have spent the night. I should have spent more time with her before, but they said she had a good chance at a better life after her heart surgery, I had taken her to all her doc appts and PT when she had the first surgery, but right after this one it was just different. She knew she was going to pass, she kept telling me to make sure I got all her angels in her collection, (which is another regret because they all got stolen out of my storage unit when I was moving) and to make sure I took out the garbage because she didn't want her apartment to be stinky. I should have stayed. Why didn't I stay? The nurse said she had a huge smile and was reaching for someone when she passed, so I guess it wasn't traumatic for her, which is a small comfort I guess. But my heart is hurting today, and i just want another day with her to hear her songs around the apartment, to have her comfort, because since I moved I have no friends, and health problems and I just wish she was here to make me feel like everything isn't pointless, she was really my only support network. I'm in the pit, and it feels like there isn't any hands to help me out. It's been so long, and i do grieve every year, but this year, this day, is just really hard. I don't know what to do anymore.
  13. Jason Clang

    The Dark Pit

    Hi All, I lost my dad last year, the anniversary was 1/5/2022. It's been a rough year, my dad was sick but this was unexpected. Been trying to get back to normal, whatever that may be and it's not easy. My mom can't do much on her own, so I am left with the responsibility that my dad used to handle. It is very hard and I thought that after a year things would get better, but they have not. I cry a lot, I hear a song and I think about him. I feel him around me, many strange things have happened since his death. I know he is still around and it does give me comfort. It is just hard, you can tell people how it feels and unless they are lost a parent...they don't understand. A few night before he passed, I had a dream I was going to lose him and it felt like I could not catch my breath. No one tells you how long these feelings go on, no one prepares you for it. I question my own life now, I ended up in the hospital Sept 2020 and if I haden't of gone that day, I most likely would not be here. I would have been a vegetable or dead. Trying to understand everything is hard. My friend of 16 years lost her husband, and it shocked me so much.....I feel any progress I made is gone. Trying to check on her and comfort her, making sure she is ok. It just makes me upset at the world. It's friday and we are all alive here...we have to be thankful for event eh smallest things right now I guess....
  14. I feel bad that no one responded to this but don't know when / if you'll be back. In any case I can truly relate to what you say (see the above post) and wish I had some constructive advice, but I'm too much in the same boat to be of much help. In fact I just got one of those sudden, brutal gut-punch heartbreak onslaughts that come out of nowhere, when for some reason I thought of my mother asking for her knitting by hand gesture when she couldn't speak anymore. I would give it to her but Mom (a lifelong expert knitter) could no longer knit at all and would fall asleep holding the needles pointing upwards, so I had to take them away from her. This is just one example of why I hate every moment and can't take being in this alien world any longer - there are hundreds of others..
  15. Six awful months ago I lost my mom who I was inseparable from for 60 years (very shy, introverted boy who ultimately stayed that way - never left home, no SO, close family or friends). Like others on the Parents Board, Mom was my sole refuge. I tell people I can't stand the separation and loneliness and feel like I don't belong here anymore, so they tell me to begin taking medication immediately, but I've had vertigo and fear the side effects. They are clearly getting tired of my grieving and are beginning to show their impatience, which makes me very angry and resentful because they all get to go home with their loved ones while I go back to the empty house alone to rant and pace the floors.. Every day is a deeper descent into a panic-stricken, claustrophobic, hysterical living hell that is at its worst in the mornings. My mother's absence and the memories of the 8 1/2 month horror she and I went through are unbearable and hit hardest at the start of the 'next day alone in Hell'. Should I manage to sleep at all, the shock and paralyzing dread I feel upon waking up alone in the empty house (especially after dreaming) are agonizing and terrifying beyond description. It feels like I'm going to die. And it gets worse each day. I don't know where to run because there is nowhere to run anymore; there is not a single person or place in this world that can provide the slightest comfort or consolation (they do just the opposite, make me more unhinged than I already am). Only Mom could stop the pain and sadness and heal my broken heart. I can't stand not hearing her voice anymore. I can barely eat or sleep and fear the lonely future like the plague. I don't want to be here anymore but have a phobia about doctors and hospitals and Covid. Tomorrow morning I have to play at a coworker's memorial service (Covid) at the church Mom and I attended / worked at for 33 years, and the stress and heartbreak are going to be brutal. So I keep hoping that the End Times people turn out to be right this time around.
  16. Mianko471

    Lost my boyfriend to drugs

    I am so sorry for your hurt and loss. I hope we all find peace and do not allow the what-ifs to tear us down. Sending out some positive energy.
  17. "An island against the ocean that splashes at my shores threatening to wash my land away." - That was lovely. I feel that exact same way. I too lost my boyfriend to drugs, Heroin. It pains me that you are so young. I'm twice your age and cant figure out for myself how to cope or deal or even live in some normal fashion. Kudos for you trying to save the ones around you. I never even tried. I was just bitter and angry and just awful to those around me that were still using - and still most are. I even said horrible things like "It should have been you" or "I wish it were you". For such a young lady, regardless of all your hurt, you are a lovely example to follow in my eyes. I hope I can have a kinder heart like you.
  18. Dear @heatherllyynn, I am so sorry for your pain. You might consider starting a blog here on grieving.com as your outlet; I did after the death of my Father on May 2, 2018 called Baby's Heart, and doing so has really helped me cut through this beast called Grief. Be well, @TLN.
  19. To start off I am only 16, almost 17. I lost him almost 5 months ago. The pain has waxed and waned. But recently I have started to see him everywhere. Today would have been one year with him. It feels like anywhere I go, anything I touch, anything that remotely reminds me of him will flash me back into the past. Most nights I feel like I have lost my mind, through the dissociating and my thoughts begging for a psychotic episode so I can at least have a hallucination of him. Most people don't understand. I beg my friends to become sober, to try to quit weed and alcohol. Although I know he didn't pass due to that, it felt like those substances led him to take percs. And I cannot help but shake off the feeling that those around me are going to die. It consumes me to the point where I find myself helping others, when I am struggling so much myself. Most of my friends chalk it up to me just being overly dramatic. I try to be the happy and bubbly girl that I want to be. But it pains me so much watching others fall down these paths. It feels like I am stuck in a glass box watching those around me be subject to torture. Yet I am powerless. Writing has always been something for me to fall back on and I have often tried to channel my morbid thoughts into them. And tonight. Out of all nights, out of the worst nights to do so, they made a comment about percs. They could have used any mainstream drugs used in songs to glamorize them even more than the teenage culture already does. But they both chose their words. "I am for real going to pop a Perc." "I am about to pop five percs bro". I have tried to gain tougher skin to song lyrics to small comments to my friends admitting their usage of smoking and drinking. But this was on our anniversary and maybe I am sensitive, maybe I am just the crazy girl with a dead boyfriend, but why? I am already so broken and it is like people turn the other cheek and forget my cries for help to them. They weren't even song lyrics they were as clear as day; sentences that they both chose to say. I wish I could laugh with them and make a joke about the same. But here I am. An island against the ocean that splashes at my shores threatening to wash my land away. Stuck trying to engender change in a generation that would rather laugh at me then try to listen to what I want to say. Here is a poem I wrote about trying to save him. If you managed to read this and take the time to hear my story; thank you. I have tried to read others on here but it feels that everything triggers me. I feel a little bit better using this as an outlet. I wish the best to all of you that had to join this website, but hopefully we can find comfort in one another. I tried Tears wept for you Voice raised Hands ripping it away Begging for you To stop Lies unveiled Sometimes I wish they stayed secret As you blamed red eyes On lack of sleep Slurred words On your real medication Until one day It wasn’t enough to make you stay So now You have left me here To watch everyone else Follow the same path as you -I can’t save anyone
  20. AliceOliver2017

    Anticipatory grief

    I don't know if your situation is like mine but as both my parents declined in a nursing facility. I grieved their decline, know what it was leading them too. My mom's decline during pandemic really crushed me. I was helpless to help her except calls and at some points masked visits mostly outside. That felt like grief. Her mental decline and physical decline was so sad, and I assumed at her age she wouldn't bounce back when pandemic eased up, little did i know she wouldn't survive pandemic. Even when she had her deadly GI tear i mourned during those weeks as she no longer could understand me and vice versa. I think mourning goes beyond death. I mourned her healthy self.
  21. @TLN I dont want to show out my feelings of grief to that parent, since I don't want them to think I don't have any hope's for them... I do need counseling but pandemic shut down my health insurance for a while, till there's more "spaces" for students...
  22. Dear @Itzel, I cannot say I understand "anticipatory" grief, as that is not my situation; my Father, who died on May, 2, 2018, was larger than life and because of this seemed as though he would live forever. When he did die, I was blindsided with this beast called Grief. But to say you fear what will happen to you if your parent dies; I think that is normal. Have you tried talking to a counselor? Your parent? @TLN.
  23. I wish I had someone to talk to, without judging me for already starting my grief even though my parent is still alive. I dont have many friends, or should I say I dont have none, I just have one partner and he doesn't like when I talk to him about that because I am too intense and might be draining him emotionally. I want to know when will this pain end?, how can I make it stop? It wont let me sleep nor either feel; I have no energy to do much but my work, I get bored easily, I get distracted easily, I am lost, and I don't like this, especially because I feel like it's stopping me to spend more time and be happy with my parent while I can. We're only 4 in our family, 2 live with me, one of my parents is the one I know i'tll pass away, the other one isn't supportive and I'm scared; the other family member doesn't live here. The rest of my relatives live in an other country, I'm scared not only of losing my parent, but of my future, I will lose my only friend, my only supporter, and I'll be with someone who I dont have the assurance will let me go reach my dreams. Is there any hope?
  24. It sounds so tough. I am glad that you can feel you are in a better place now. It is sad but we still have hope.
  25. Hello all, I am having a particularly dark day today. I feel cut off from all love, both from the world and Heaven itself. I don't know what to do; I refuse to die... but oh how I feel like doing so. Please help...TLN.
  26. Dear JoyR, I can relate to the spiritual war involved in grief. Since my Father died 3 years ago this May 2nd, I have been embroiled in this war to know God as I did before he died. His presence has fled from me; and if I did not know better, I would think God Himself had died and that that is why this darkness has settled on me. I do want the hurt to stop; yet, there is the worry and self-condemnation of moving on without the deceased. Like if I go on does that mean I have forgotten him? Does that mean I no longer care that he is gone? I want the wound to heal; yet, I will not forget him. My heart goes out to you. Be well, TLN.

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