firefighter who lost his father,

[Alaskan frog]

Hello all.

                My name is David. Ima  firefighter and an EMT in Alaska. I lost my father a couple of months ago to unexpected heart failure. I was hoping to share my story, especially because im finding hardship dealing with not only his passing, but how it is brought up and relived by my current job.

                I went to an academy in February after originally going to it in January and catching covid. Been a several year paid employee, but was finally able to earn the right to get sent to get my certs.

On  the day back  from academy, while in the seattle airport my mom texts me and says my dadd isn’t acting quite right.  She describes his symptoms, and ill be damned if she isn’t describing a heart attack. So I call him, and speak to him like an EMT, not his son, and tell him to stop what hes doing snd to go get healthcare. He doesn’t want, and I should have insisted on going to a hospital.

But he conceds that he will go to his doctor right away. So while im flying home from Seattle, he goes to his doctors.

The tell him hes having a poor reaction to he blood pressure medication, and me, being just an EMT, decides that they must be correct. They are doctors, they know more than me.

But they weren’t correct.  Hes home for 4 days and out of it, having a hard time breathing, being weak and dizzy, and we think that must be his medication. But that evening, he has altered mental status.

I take him to the ER, and whoops…The doctors were wrong. He had a blockage in his atrial artery. Hes been at home without care with a  widowmaker heart attack for 4 days. It’s a bloody miracle that hes still alive

He gets care and treatment, and we hope that we got lucky. But over the next few weeks he isn’t doing better. He goes in for care, and look at that, there was too much damage to his heart from 4 days of blood flow being blocked, and he has only a thin membrance of tissue holding his heart together from having a major rupture, and killing him.

The next day im on a medevac flight with him to Seattle. There he is seen yb the best cardiac team in the world. They have a plan to repair his heart. We spend several days,a nd he goes in for surgery. Right before that time is the last time id talk to him. I will never forget that.

I have to return home for work, no sense in me being in seattle for the possible 6 weeks itll take to get a new heart if the surgery doesn’t go well.

While hes under they discover that part of his heart is shot. There is no way to repair it. They put him on an LVAD. Now hes unconscious, and we are waiting for him to get a new heart. HE should wake up. My mom is with him every day.

Then 9 days later I get a phone call… Hes had a stroke. They cant give him blood thinners because of the machine, hell bleed to death. And he ahs a stroke.

I fly down as fast as I can. It turns out that just maybe he will make it, it will leave him mostly blind, but he has a chance.

The next day… uring rounds we find out hes had another stroke. His frontal lobe is destroyed. Hes not going to recover, and hes not truly eliagable for a heart transplant anyways.

That day we pull life support, and he passes while im hugging him. I play the song well done by the afters, and my mom feels his last heartbeat.

And since that day, my father, a rock in my life, and literally the best father I could have designed if God had given me a piece of paper and said, design your ultimate father, hes gone.

The next week I followed his direction, no matter what happens, I stick to my plan of seeing my fiancée in another country. With his blessings, and my families, as well as my works, I go spend 12 days with my fiancée. And its wonderful

But now im home. Im returning to normal. And since Ive gotten back, over the last 2 months we have been slammed with cardiac codes, and ive worked a lot of deaths.

The most recent was a 5 year old child. We worked so hard to try to bring her back, almost 2 hours. But she doesn’t make it.

The weird thing is that I know this is all effecting me, and I work in a culture of people who encourage sharing and talking. Im using my employee assistance program to get help, and I hav ethe full support of my brothers and sisters at my station.

But damn it, im so angry. I don’t even know why other than this ethereal sense of, this isn’t fair. Ive been on edge, and even the slightest things makes me want to just explode. Thankfully it isn’t people, but I have kicked shoes across the living room. I broke a pair of headphones that got caught ona  door handle by rippinig them apart, instead of just unhooking them.

And I know that I have so much sadness inside of me. But the tears don’t come easily. I WANT to cry. I want to sob. I want to scream, but I honestly cant muster it.

And the other wildest thing is that im okay. I know that sounds counter to what im typing, but I told my dad that no matter what happens ill be okay.

Because he was a phenomoinal father, and he raised me right. His favorite poem was called Good timber, and its about how harsh weather and tough conditions breeds old tought trees. Easy conditions builds weak trees, and in turn he built me intoa  tough tree.

But not an emotionally stunted one. Im not putting on some macho mask. Im open with how im feeling, and I talk about it with my pastor and my Lt (they happen to be the same person lol)

Im just sharing here because I feel like I still need to talk about it. I knowthat grief is different for everyone. We all behave differently, and there is no righr way to grieve.

 

I guess im wondering if there are any other firefighter EMTs out there that know how to process death when it comes so close to my fathers passing, and so often takes the same shape?

Thank you.

[Strainedteapot]

Hey, I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m not a firefighter but I want to say to you you have tremendous courage to do what you do and make a difference to other peoples lives, I cannot imagine how you deal day in day out espechially when not all times are happy endings. But it takes real courage to go through personal loss and still show up everyday! 
I lost my mum suddenly to a heart attack (blocked arteries) though my story is different it was sudden we didn’t know she had this condition, I feel your pain and frustration. 
I don’t have any answers or anyway to make it easier just wanted to say I see you I hear you and you are doing the best you can! Your dad would be proud of you for carrying on I know it’s not easy. Be gentle with yourself it’s a lot I know.