Sudden Loss Due to Cancer

[John Adams]

Hello my name is John Adams. My wife of 14 years passed away on July 2nd 2022 from ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed at the beginning of April, and by that time it was already growing too fast. It was in her liver, Lymphatic system, lungs, and her brain. I had to quit my job and become a full time caretaker for her. She eventually lost her motor functions due to the cancer spreading to her brain. We found out on June 4th that it was terminal and she wanted to be closer to her adult children, so I took her there. On July 2nd t 1110 pm She passed. In the past I have lost my son 25 years ago. My mother to pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. Now my Best friend/soulmate/wife. And I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't hardly go outside because I have now developed and anxiety. Have no job and can't even focus on anything. The only thing that is keeping me together (somewhat) is my 4 dogs that are my responsibility and a promise I made to her. I have 1 person that checks on me. I am completely alone. No friends. Nothing.    

[Summersun]

Dear John, I am so very sorry for your loss, and those before, too. It does add up, doesn t it?  I deal with anxiety and loneliness too. It helps me to know, there are others somewhere with the same problem, not knowing how to get outside, or make it through the next hour. I am over in the parent section usually. We want to start zoom meetings again when summer slows down. please come here often and talk to us. It does help a little i think. All the best my friend. Your picture looks lovely. Hugs, Anna

[John Adams]

Anna, Thank you for replying. I think I will come and talk. I usually don't open up too much, but I think if I don't try it'll get too bottled up and I won't have anything to look forward too. Almost like wandering around in a dark basement bumping into everything. Lost, Confused, and maybe even scared. I have no inkling of trying to deal with the world when I'm this broken. I agree every hour is so uncertain on how my mental state is. I lived my life for her. Gave her everything I am. Then it was gone. I felt the same with my son and mother. I think because I'm getting older I don't want to Cover my pain anymore. I think this was like the last straw that my mental strength could handle. If I didn't say it. I am sorry for your loss as well. You will have a friend and a listener in me if you choose to. Hugs to you as well. John

[Summersun]

She was so lucky to have you, John. From what time is the picture? She still looks very healthy in it. I think you can tell by the look on her face how close you were, and what you meant to her. A bit tired maybe, who would not feel that way. But you can tell she felt loved. Looks so assured she is protected by you.

When their journey ends, ours is only about to begin. For my mum it was also a very quick decline. She got through it. Though not alive, its over for her. No more pain to endure. And now I sit here with possibly decades to miss her, every minute feeling like a life sentence. She was my best friend, my protector and basically sole peron I spoke with, especially during the pandemic.

I feel so unseen. Like I only existed if I could tell her how my day was. Now its unreflected and feels so surreal. I lost all of my self confidence, having to fend for myself.

Not that an elderly mum could do much. But she would listen and be my safe haven. Now theres no one to run to, emotionally i drift aimlessly around.

My mum was not that much older than me, and not your typical conservative mother. So interested in everything, so busy with all her hobbies, and I loved making her laugh. And proud when I got something done. Now I have zero ambition.

Yes John, lets talk. I have zero voice at the moment, as I am ill. We will do it again. You can actually follow people here if you go to their profile. That way you notice what they post. Very practical, if you are mostly in a different subforum. 

Take really good care John, whereever you might be in the world. 

And please know, your loss is so very fresh, please give yourself a little time.

I know those first days are so hurtfuI and raw, I felt as if everything was twice as loud, sensory overload. Its because the brain senses danger and we are hyper alert and yet so exhausted at the same time.

Please come to us if you feel its too much. I have also been through so much, I keep thinking its too much. And then you do it another day, and one more. 

All the best!

Anna

[John Adams]

Hello Anna, Today is another winner. (Joking) I was supposed to have an final interview to start helping people with their company benefits. And i called the manager back and explained again with my wifes death being only 11 days past. I don't think my mental state should be put under a lot of stress. Normal times I would've killed a job like that, but I can't seem to focus enough to even do that. So maybe tomorrow will be at least alittle easier. It doesn't help me sitting here going over the tons of pictures and the things we did. i can't help it i wanna go back in time and try and correct or at least catch it before the cancer was too far gone. I guess I better invent a time machine . Also I need to go the store but again put that off maybe I'll go when it's darker out seems like there's less people then. Btw on one of the messages you said whatever part of the world I'm in. I reside in Arizona. Hope you're day was ok or tolerable at least. John

[John Adams]

Good Day, I have finally received her ashes and within a week I will be spreading them where her mother and brother were spread by her just 3 years ago. It will be the next chapter of healing I believe. I was going to keep a small urn, but I just watched the video we took of her spreading her brother and mother and her words were " it will finally come to and end". So I have decided to keep an urn necklace with just a tad of her ashes. The same I did with my mothers ashes. And i will live my life like she wanted me too. I don't know if I will look for new love or take my wedding ring off. I suppose time will tell. I still haven't done anything with her clothes yet. I suppose in time I will. Still can't believe today makes it 2 weeks since her passing. I actually thought I would be a absolute mess a non functioning blob of grief and self destruction. I am actually doing better than I thought. There are times where I find something and it triggers the sorrow and I know that's natural. As I always told her love you always and forever. I hope everyone is doing ok. 

[Summersun]

John, you can be so proud of yourself the way you handle this! You are so strong. This picture of the two of you is incredibly beautiful.

Yes, do everything the way you believe she'd want you to do it.

There is no need to do anything with her clothes just yet. Take your time. It's very fresh, just like you told your potential employer. 

I think the necklace is a great idea. This way you can have her close to you if you wish to.

I hope everyone is having a good Sunday. Sending strength to all, especially those here who are having a rough day. I might not know you all, and I think of you. 

[John Adams]

Summersun, Thank you. I honestly didn't know how things would've turned out, so I'm glad they went this way. The necklace is put with the wedding rings and my memories together along with my mothers necklace. She would want me to have a life and not sit around and be unproductive or distance myself from life. I hope you're doing ok on this sunday and everybody else as well. have a good day.

[Kat11]

John, I am so deeply sorry for your losses. I lost my partner and best friend of 30 years to metastatic breast cancer. It was a very aggressive form of cancer and it was only 2 months from diagnosis to her passing on 9-7-22. I am devastated. Heart broken in a million pieces. She was my everything.

I am also currently unemployed. Don't have a lot of friends. I can totally relate to your loneliness. So glad you have your dogs!! They are such a blessing. They will make you smile...even when you don't think you can. They give you purpose and keep your heart alive. That's what my cat Zoey does for me.

I lost my mom 2 years ago to covid. She was my other best friend. Multiple losses are so hard. The 2 people who knew me best and I loved most in the world are gone now. It is agonizing. I feel like I don't know how I fit in the world now.

If you ever want to reach out...maybe we can help each other.