Grieving alone

[Roseapple]

Some of us are in a situation where they are alone with their grief. No ties through family, maybe even no one besides themselves who knew them. 
me and Lawrence were not so lucky to spend a long ti e together in this life. We were at the start. We fell in love so hard and unexpectedly. We were not even in the same country. The time we spend physically together was so painfully short. We should have had so much more time. 
I never felt that way for anyone. This was the first man I ever seriously talked about getting married with. We had so many dreams for our future and even more obstacles to overcome. We fought so hard for our relationship. We told each other that all this hardship will be worth it at the end. 
The end came and I was left. 
Not my parents not my sister, none of my friends had actually met him in person. Only over the phone. There is no one I can talk with about him. Talk about memories we have of him, to keep him alive. It all only lives in me. I don’t know if there is any word to describe this sort of loneliness. No one to share the pain with.  I should have had many years with him. 
I don’t want to let him go. 

[Brazil Man]

1 hour ago, Roseapple said:

I should have had many years with him. 
I don’t want to let him go. 

Me too. I´ve already accepted that my wife won´t go back anymore, but I don´t want to let her go.  I mean, I don´t want to believe that she belongs to the past now.

[Roseapple]

It’s so hard to understand that it is the end. Usually I always find a way. I just need him back 

[Brazil Man]

15 minutes ago, Roseapple said:

It’s so hard to understand that it is the end

Yes, I understand. She was so real and close to me. Now she lives just in my memories.😭

[DWS]

@RoseappleOur stories have some similarities so I certainly know that loneliness of housing all the sweet memories with no one to share them with. Tom and I had four years together but lived three hours apart in all that time. I wasn't able to travel far or be away from my house overnight because of a tricky situation with my cat that had some health issues. I just didn't want to burden someone in caring for her ..and because of this, I wasn't able to travel to meet some of Tom's family in person. He was here most weekends and met everyone in my family in that time however those two years of covid kept us in a tight bubble like it did for everyone else in this world. No one really got to see how we interacted in the day-to-day. I'm also not a Facebooker so my life with Tom was kept fairly private and nothing that I needed to broadcast to the world. I do have some regrets in all of that now but I've always been a private person in general. 

There are so many experiences and interactions with Tom that I'd love to tell anyone wanting to listen. I'm able to do a bit of that with my grief counselor and as she gets to know me more, I'm able to share more but still, it has its limits. It's nicer to share with others who then share their experiences. That back and forth is less clinical and more personal. Sites like this one help us in that capacity. 

[Roseapple]

It is consoling in someway, that there are people that know how it feels. I am taking the letters he wrote to me to two of my close friends this evening. I think it will help me if they read them. To somehow make them connected to it. So they meet him still. Let’s see how it feels 

[DWS]

12 minutes ago, Roseapple said:

I am taking the letters he wrote to me to two of my close friends this evening. I think it will help me if they read them. To somehow make them connected to it. So they meet him still. Let’s see how it feels 

That sharing with your friends should hopefully help give your relationship more validity which is something you likely are needing. Living with so many precious moments that no one was really aware of fills us with loneliness and frustration. We experienced great love and we want the world to know it and that's not a bad thing! As a result, our grief is also something that so many of us here need validated. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Roseapple said:

I don’t want to let him go. 

And no need to, hold on to what you shared together, I tell myself the only thing that changed is his body gave out, of course, that affects everything but I know our love remains, no matter how much time passes.  I think I love him even more now, if possible, I realize how extremely rare what we had was...and we still have it, I just can't hear him answer back...I proceed on faith, the same way we started our relationship, we didn't live in the same vicinity either and started out writing to each other, we met through a letter I wrote to the editor.  Who'd have know what that would lead to!  Turns out when we were kids we lived within a short few miles from each other, a bicycle ride away, for a short time..

2 hours ago, DWS said:

There are so many experiences and interactions with Tom that I'd love to tell anyone wanting to listen.

Why don't you started a thread for this, we can each share some of our experiences!  That's a great idea!  I helps to put it out there, it immortalizes them in a way and helps us to get it out.  Too many don't want to hear us, so this place really helps.

2 hours ago, Roseapple said:

I am taking the letters he wrote to me to two of my close friends this evening.

I hope it is cathartic for you and helps them understand why this person made such an impact on you!

 

[MP28]

3 hours ago, Roseapple said:

Some of us are in a situation where they are alone with their grief. No ties through family, maybe even no one besides themselves who knew them. 
me and Lawrence were not so lucky to spend a long ti e together in this life. We were at the start. We fell in love so hard and unexpectedly. We were not even in the same country. The time we spend physically together was so painfully short. We should have had so much more time. 
I never felt that way for anyone. This was the first man I ever seriously talked about getting married with. We had so many dreams for our future and even more obstacles to overcome. We fought so hard for our relationship. We told each other that all this hardship will be worth it at the end. 
The end came and I was left. 
Not my parents not my sister, none of my friends had actually met him in person. Only over the phone. There is no one I can talk with about him. Talk about memories we have of him, to keep him alive. It all only lives in me. I don’t know if there is any word to describe this sort of loneliness. No one to share the pain with.  I should have had many years with him. 
I don’t want to let him go. 

I can somewhat relate to what you are going through.  I never met Charles family and he never met mine.  He only knew my roommates from when he would come over, and I knew a few of his friends/family but only from meeting in passing.  We kept things very private.  It wasn't a secret, more like it didn't feel like anyone else needed to know all the details of our relationship.  Especially because he was going through a lot.  We had each other and that was what mattered.  But after he died, I felt desperate for everyone to know what we had.  I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere-- there was no "label" that encompassed what we had.  Only his best friend knew about some details of our relationship and he only had a glimpse from what Charles told him.  I needed validation that what we had was real.  It's taken me some time to process this, but I am now able to appreciate our privacy.  I don't care anymore if anyone knew about us, because I know what we had and I will cherish it forever.

I've been doing a lot of things to help me process his death while still keeping him close to me.  I have a notebook I carry with me and I write to him regularly (and for whatever odd reason I feel like he reads what I write).  In the same journal I have a section where I write my favorite memories with him- so I don't ever forget and also so I can look at a list of all my favorite times together in one spot.  We took a trip to Puerto Rico, so I have also been writing down every detail I can remember from the start of our trip to finish.  I screen shotted my favorite texts from him, printed them out and created a collage.  I plan to revisit all the spots around the city that we spent together that remind me of him.  I'm going to take pictures of all the places and write about our time spent there together to make into a scrapbook.  I printed out all the pictures I have of him and put them in a photo album.  I created a memory box where I put all the things that remind me of him- like a book we both read together and a CD album that was one of his favorites/reminds me of him.  I have one of his hoodies that I spray his cologne on.  He was a sneakerhead, so I am buying some of his favorite shoes in my size so I can wear them in his honor and keep him with me in that way.  I also talk about him freely in any conversation that brings up something that reminds me of him, and it doesn't matter who I'm with. I love to find any way to bring him up and I will continue to do so.

I say all that to say I've found my own ways to cherish our memories and keep him with me.  This grief is like nothing I've ever experienced before and is extremely isolating.  I found this quote online- "as human beings, we manifest a different representation of each other.  Each person symbolizes a different aspect of our personality, and when someone close to us dies, we mourn them and the part of us that have gotten lost in the process."  This helped me appreciate the loneliness.  Even after talking with his close friends and family, I still feel very alone because no one knew Charles like I did.  The same way I didn't know him like everyone else did in their relationship with him. 

I have found a lot of comfort in writing and creating keepsakes that remind me of Charles and our relationship together that I will be able to hold on to forever.  I don't ever want to let him go either, and I don't plan to.  He will stay with me forever until I see him again.  I know everyone deals with grief differently, and maybe it's because of my short time spent with Charles that I feel the need to hold on to every moment I possibly can. 

I hope you are able to find healing ways to keep Lawrence close to you that comfort you in your grief.  

[Gail 8588]

@MP28 I think the many ways you are keeping Charles close are just beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing.

Gail

[foreverhis]

I was reminded of the alone part of grieving on Sunday. Truth be told, I have been feeling a little sorry for myself the last few days.

Sunday would have been our 39th anniversary. Not even remotely as hard as the first year, but it still hurt. Thankfully I had sweet Raleigh with me. I got upset at one point and she did her “sensitive dog” thing by sitting up as tall as her little body goes, looking at me with her big “What’s wrong? I love you.” eyes, pushing her paw on my leg, and leaning in tight before snuggling in to hold me. Lord I love that furry girl.

Anyway, what made it worse was that not one person reached out to me. Not even our daughter or our sisters. (Granted my sister and BIL had flown home from Alaska late the night before and my sister texted to let me know that my BIL woke up feeling crappy and tested positive that morning, so she was pretty overwhelmed.)

That night I thanked Raleigh’s dad for letting me have extra time with her and said why it mattered. He felt terrible that he hadn’t known, but that’s the thing, he didn’t know. The people who did know let the day go by. These are people I know love me and loved John. I do not doubt that. So it was a stark reminder that others have moved on/forward in ways I never will. I can’t even be angry with them because it’s a day that really is meaningful only to me.

Maybe it’s good that happened. When July 9 rolls around, if no one reaches out, it won’t be a surprise, even though it will be disappointing.

[widower2]

13 hours ago, Roseapple said:

Some of us are in a situation where they are alone with their grief. No ties through family, maybe even no one besides themselves who knew them. 
me and Lawrence were not so lucky to spend a long ti e together in this life. We were at the start. We fell in love so hard and unexpectedly. We were not even in the same country. The time we spend physically together was so painfully short. We should have had so much more time. 
I never felt that way for anyone. This was the first man I ever seriously talked about getting married with. We had so many dreams for our future and even more obstacles to overcome. We fought so hard for our relationship. We told each other that all this hardship will be worth it at the end. 
The end came and I was left. 
Not my parents not my sister, none of my friends had actually met him in person. Only over the phone. There is no one I can talk with about him. Talk about memories we have of him, to keep him alive. It all only lives in me. I don’t know if there is any word to describe this sort of loneliness. No one to share the pain with.  I should have had many years with him. 
I don’t want to let him go. 

I'm so sorry. I don't have any family I'm close to and they didn't meet her either...it's such a huge pile of salt into the wound, esp when "friends" disappear. There's no one to talk to about her, to reminiscence with etc. 

As Kay said, you certainly don't need to let him go. Hold on tight to what memories you do have. 

[Ronni_W]

15 hours ago, Roseapple said:

[...] I don’t know if there is any word to describe this sort of loneliness. [...]

Roseapple,

I am in the same situation in that most of my fondest memories with my now-deceased husband happened with just him and me, and, on top of that, we were so happy together just the two of us that we led a quite insular life. (We didn't realize it, of course, but it is nevertheless how it turned out.)  I do know the difference, because, with my first husband, I can still today get together with all of my family and friends, and we can have all kinds of conversations, "Remember this?  Remember that?"  But, that isn't possible about my now-deceased husband, because they did not know him the same way, to the same level and depth.

Unfortunately, it does not matter if we do or do not want to let them go. They are gone from this physical octave. We cannot experience them here, anymore. Believe me, I know how much that sucks! The BIG ONE, is how much it sucks.

For me, no, there are no words to be able to adequately describe my sense of how alone and lonely I feel. However, I am sending for you the very highest positive, that sharing your letters with your friends will help them to be able to know him better, and be able to have some small sense of your loss and loneliness. God Willing.

Love and hugs, Ronni

[foreverhis]

On 6/29/2022 at 7:46 AM, Roseapple said:

There is no one I can talk with about him. Talk about memories we have of him, to keep him alive. It all only lives in me. I don’t know if there is any word to describe this sort of loneliness. No one to share the pain with.  I should have had many years with him. 
I don’t want to let him go. 

Don't let him go.  You only have to accept his physical absence, not the absence of his life, his love, or his spirit.  Please, please share with us when you're ready.  I like Kay's idea of having a thread for sharing stories. 

I realize I am luckier than many because I do have small circles of friends and family who not only allow me to talk about our life together, but have infinite stories of their own.  So often John is quite simply a part of the conversation, especially reminiscences and all the "remember when" moments.

Even so, I believe I am now the keeper of our memories and it's my responsibility to make sure that John is not forgotten.  One of my reasons for living is being there for our granddaughter to tell her his and our stories as she finishes growing up.  They adored each other.  He was such a wonderful, imperfect-but-perfect-for-me husband.  And he was an amazing father, grandfather, brother, and friend.  Our granddaughter needs to know that he is still there for her in spirit.  Every time I say, "Your grandpa would be so proud of you for..." or "I remember one time your grandpa and I fill-in-funny/fun-story..." and things like that, I know he lives on for her.

[Roxeanne]

4 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

They are gone from this physical octave. We cannot experience them here, anymore. Believe me, I know how much that sucks! The BIG ONE, is how much it sucks.

Yes...it's the sad true! Hard to accept....that word:....anymore!

It seems a bad fairytale, when you cannot awaken your love from an "incantesimo malvagio" an evil spell..

All wise words are written on the sand, they fly away with the wind...

Remains the incomprehensible absence....

[KayC]

16 hours ago, MP28 said:

I screen shotted my favorite texts from him, printed them out and created a collage.

What a great idea!  I have none of that, we didn't have texting back then, cell phones weren't "smart" then.  No Facebook even, it was MySpace and it so limited and lame.  Not sure he even got in on that!  The world has changed so much in the 17 years he's been gone.

You have some beautiful memories, places you've been, and documenting it all with pictures, it's a great idea.  I carry him in my heart, that's where my scrapbook is, I bought stuff to do scrapbooking with but never could, the idea of doing it felt painful to me, it still does after all these years.  I wish I could.  I can't even look at family photos from when I was raising my family, the memories are so painful...a time that is gone, slipped away like the wind...

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Sunday would have been our 39th anniversary. Not even remotely as hard as the first year, but it still hurt. Thankfully I had sweet Raleigh with me. I got upset at one point and she did her “sensitive dog” thing by sitting up as tall as her little body goes, looking at me with her big “What’s wrong? I love you.” eyes, pushing her paw on my leg, and leaning in tight before snuggling in to hold me. Lord I love that furry girl.

I'm sorry, I know how hard those days are.  Yesterday I had a meltdown, telling George "I NEED you!!!" I don't cry on the outside anymore but the anguish is there all the same, Kodie felt it, he came and kissed me, showed concern, then rolled over for a belly rub.  It brought me a smile.  I wish our life was as simple as theirs is.

 

 

[Roxeanne]

My female cat look at me with her green beautiful alien eyes and you can understand what is her thought in her skeptical philosophical feline mind:

Why the hell are you crying ?

[KayC]

Panther Kitty made his first physical contact, I had cheese on my fingers and he touched his nose to it...he wasn't sure what to think, it was string cheese, so I put strings of it in his dish, after I was gone I watched out the kitchen window...he ate it.  He has beautiful round pale blue/green eyes and such thick lush fur on his tummy as well as back, I wish I could pet him, maybe someday.  For a feral cat, I'm really making strides!  He shows signs of wanting to be here with me but still scared too.  It'll be a slow journey, but I have time.  I think he's old, he likely has bad teeth, he drops the cat food.  All I can do is provide the place and food and I spend a little time with him talking to him and showing interest in him.  He seems to like that.

[Roxeanne]

Good job Kay...that feral cat need help! With time and patience  he will understand you can help him

[KayC]

Panther Kitty was attacked by a bully cat this morning, okay, he's officially mine! I was like a mom, terrified for my kitty! He laid low for a while, in hiding, then came back to me, finished eating and is now is his corner spot, watching... He lost a lot of fur but seems to be okay.

[Ronni_W]

On 6/30/2022 at 6:06 AM, Roxeanne said:

Yes...it's the sad true! Hard to accept....that word:....anymore!

It seems a bad fairytale, when you cannot awaken your love from an "incantesimo malvagio" an evil spell..

All wise words are written on the sand, they fly away with the wind...

Remains the incomprehensible absence....

Roxeanne,

Sorry...what does " "incantesimo malvagio" mean in English?  As far as I can 'feel' it (without any linguistic knowledge or understanding), I think that I've been feeling/experiencing totally the same thing -- that all of these "wise words" are written on sand. Some people just keep repeating and repeating and repeating, over and over and OVER again, their own words (that they themselves deem to be so 'wise' and 'helpful' and 'comforting'). But. depending on where one is, it's just stupid and stupid, and It isn't at all 'comforting', and is just a bunch of BS platitudes. It depends on where the other person is, in their own  stage and phase of loss. I cannot try to counsel someone who just yesterday lost their life's love or their child or parent or pet, as if it happened to them 12 or 500 months ago. There would be a level of awareness, on my part, that is totally lacking.   (If one of my dear friends lost their partner today, I wouldn't at all say to them the same things that I'd tell myself today - 3 years later. It won't make any sense to them, today, and I'd actually just come across to them as being really and truly insensitive and not getting or understanding or being able to empathize with them. TODAY, at even the most basic level! Maybe in a few months (or even years) time, yes. But not today.)  Love and hugs, Ronni

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Ronni_W said:

Sorry...what does " "incantesimo malvagio" mean in English? 

An evil spell like in Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, etc.

[Ronni_W]

On 7/3/2022 at 12:52 AM, foreverhis said:

An evil spell like in Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, etc.

Thank you, foreverhis.

I would say that we are all living under 'incantesimo malvagio' (not only that our now-deceased loved one is living under it). NOT that all of us here feel "cursed", but that grief can sometimes make us sometimes feel that we are sometimes under an evil spell of some sorts. For me, it is okay if I sometimes feel like that. It doesn't have to mean that it is true, or that it is false. Only that it is okay for me to feel like that, if and whenever I feel like that. Which isn't always, but it it sometimes.

[Roxeanne]

That's true Ronnie...we are living in a nightmare and we can't wake up! Sometimes i want to feel that reality is not so bad...i try to change my look at the things, try to think that is so wonderful that him was for years in my life, that my life was enlightened by  him....what would my life have been like without him ?

Cosa sarebbe stata la mia vita senza il suo amore ?

....without his love ?

Antidotes against that "incantesimo malvagio" 

They don't always work!

[Goforth860]

I had several years with my John.  No one knew him like I did. As I didn't know him through their eyes. But I do believe that I knew him truer than anyone else. He was good man. He was a private man. But I knew it all and he knew it all about me. We were each other. We were one. Or as I've also heard it he was my person and I was his. We had 13 years together but it wasn't nowhere near enough time for me. No we didn't have the perfect relationship.  If anyone tries to tell you there's was a perfect one then they are lying. Everyone has there ups and downs.  But no matter the up or down he was there for and with me and I for and with him. The good the bad and the ugly as I've always said. Not a single person will ever truly understand our relationship.  The depth of our love for each other. Our connection. I'm also alone. His family has left my life. I really have no family to speak of. They didn't know him. They didn't even know what he was to me. They definitely didn't have any knowledge of us. Who we were to each other. He is no longer going to be in my future only in my past. Not in my future physically anyway. I will never let him go though. He's always going to be in my heart. But everything from the past sooner or later becomes a memory and memories fade. I often wonder to myself how long before he too is just a memory and fades away. I know that that will never happen. He will always be here with me but I'm afraid of just that. Him becoming just a memory and slipping away from me. In the early days of the brain fog/grief fog I couldn't remember his voice. He was my constant and I couldn't remember his voice. I have forgotten details of my late husband Robert.  It scares me that I will forget things of John too.  Things that are so important to me. I have said since the day he passed that im lost and I don't know what to do. I kept asking what do I do. I have quit saying that I just want him back.  I still think it 1000 times a day but for the most part I have been able to refrain from saying it as much or really at all like I used to. Ppl just don't know the difference he made in my life. I have PTSD and he helped me work through so much in the years we were together.  I mean things that I've dealt with my entire life. I keep thinking about how we were antisocial only social with each other throughout our years. I without his family have no one to reminiscence with. No one to say remember this or that. His bday is coming up. July 30th. I doubt... actually I know that no one will remember it with me. I gave him a great memory for his bday last year. Roses and balloons and cards. He was so upset that neither his mom or daughter called him. I saw how upset it made him. I told him that I know I wasn't his blood and didn't make up for them but I loved him.  He cried and told me that I was his family and that he loved me too. Our girls. Well my girls now stay close to me. Especially when I get upset. Precious paws at me as if to say pet me it'll be alright.  Cali just rubs against me and will lick my hand or arm. But they're cats so they don't come like a dog will when you call it. When I call them they come when they feel like it. 

This is a nightmare.  This is my nightmare that John can't wake me up from because he's gone and I will never have him back. 

[KayC]

I haven't forgotten things about George, it's been 17 years, I still remember his smell, his voice, the way I felt when he held me...I haven't had that feeling once since.  But the more time that passes, the more it seems like a movie I once watched.  It feels unreal that he was ever really here.

I am sorry you are feeling as you are, but oh God I understand...

[Roseapple]

There a days, when life seems just terribly long. I miss him and I miss who I was before this. With him I was someone and now I feel like I’m an empty shell. 
I wish life could just stop sometimes. I go out, I meet friends, I go out for dinner… but afterwards when I look back on those activities it feels like someone else did them. 
There is a place in me that no one can reach, as if he took it with him to wherever he his now. There where I can’t reach him. 
How are humans all over the world living with those feelings of loss? 

[LMR]

@Roseapple Beautifully put. That is exactly how I feel. I just don't know what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life.

It will be two years next month but the first year of not being in our home either. Thinking about it makes me feel physically sick. I too don't know how we are supposed to live with this.

[Roseapple]

It’s now 7 month since he passed away and 8 month since we talked to each other, before he was put on the ventilators. 
The month add on and nothing changes really. Like I’m frozen in time.

since 2 month or so my heart is bothering me again, I feel the heartbeat beim irregular or at least stronger and weaker beats. I had it right after it happened then it went back to normal for a bit and now again. 
 

Its just exhausting to feel like this 

[April Ballou]

@LMR I know the feeling.   September it will be 2 years since my husband died.  Last year I moved into a new home and even though I know that I needed to move it was confusing.   My other house  we lived in 26 years together.   This house I'm so alone.  Everyone seems to have moved on with their lives.   I'm trying,  so many things have changed.  I'm not Mrs. Henry Darrell Ballou anymore.   I'm just Ms. April Ballou.  Still don't like being alone but for now I am.

[Sparky1]

56 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

I'm not Mrs. Henry Darrell Ballou anymore.   I'm just Ms. April Ballou

Oh yes, yesterday I got a government letter for a frickin climate rebate they deposited in my account. It had my name and then it said, "widowed". That was a real kick in my reality.

[April Ballou]

@Sim7079 yes all we can do is try.  I understand about wanting your spouse next to you,to how I miss waking up or going to sleep next to my husband.   It was tough moving but it had to be done.  I would have loved getting to spend 90 years with my husband  38 just wasn't enough.   But I thank God for the years we had together.   I know that we will spend eternity in heaven together.   But until then I am so alone.  It's so quite and so lonely.  @Sparky1 I hate that title, wiowed, makes it sound like we did something wrong.

[Carol34]

This is from a daily email that I get from a scripture-based grief support group.  I thought it explained the loss of a mate very well.  I was going to crop out the scripture parts of the email, but I left them in.  I know that not everyone believes the same way, so I hope I did not offend anyone.  They always close the email with a prayer that pertains to that day's subject.  That's what the last line is.

 

One-Flesh Relationship

A part of who you are is gone. Your identity is shaken to the very core. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again or if you will ever enjoy life again.

“When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself,” says Dr. Jim Conway. “It’s as if you’ve had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don’t really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There’s no formula.”

The pain that comes from the loss of a spouse is much deeper than most people realize because in a marital relationship two people become one flesh.

“The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:23-24).

When part of your flesh is abruptly taken away, there is a ripping and a tearing that leaves a huge, open wound.

“Until you have experienced the death of a spouse, there is no way you can tell someone how deep the hurt is. The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us,” says Beth.

Lord God, a part of me is gone and will never be recovered. What do I do now? Amen.

---

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

And I agree, it can be very lonely, I’ve never watched so much TV in all my life - mainly as a distraction and there can be days I don’t even open my mouth to speak - so quiet.

This is me as well. I work from home so the daytime is tolerable (pausing at times to occasionally ponder and sometimes cry) but evenings and weekends are so damn quiet. I was never much of a movie watcher but I sure have caught up on a lot of classic movies over these past few months....and lots of online word games. I do have my backyard gardens and even though at the start of the growing season I had no desire to do much out there, I've managed to throw a bit of myself back into it albeit with low enthusiasm. 

I look at all of this as recovery time...as if I'm laid up in a hospital bed unknowing when or if this enormous injury will heal to a point where I'm able to be fully mobile again. The difficulty is dealing with the daily outside world that figures enough time has passed that I should be recovered from my wound and back to my normal self. They're not only unaware of just how deep this wound is and why, they aren't at all curious to know. Thankfully, I have a couple of understanding friends that call every two or three weeks for long chats but there's nobody available that I know I can call just out of the blue. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, cmp34 said:

The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us

This says it all...there is nothing that fills up that empty half...I take it day by day, trying to make it through until I get called home.  There has to be more than this, you say!  Yes, but I'm still keeping my eye out for it.  Right now one day at a time has to suffice.  There will be nothing compares with that hug I get in heaven!

[Roseapple]

@Sim7079 one day at a time indeed. I do get very anxious now whenever I think about changes or planning ahead. 
I feels like I lost my soul. We all lost something that can never be replaced and possibly leaves us incomplete forever. 
If his spirit is out there, why does he not come to me? 

[Carol34]

12 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I know not everyone believes, but I think they do try to connect with us sometimes - but we might disregard it as something else or a coincidence.
 

For example I remember once I was playing a song at home that we both liked and suddenly the window blew open very widely. The window was a little bit open & it wasn’t particularly windy. I shut the window so it was closed, but not locked and played the song again and it happened again. I played it a third time, but it didn’t happen again. I took the two times it happened as a sign that my husband was with me & it gave me comfort, others might say it was just the wind, so I haven’t told many people the story.  I hope @Roseapple you might have some connection soon x

 

19 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

 

Thanks @cmp34 for sharing the email. I would love to receive scripture based support. I need to do some research and find a similar support group. If ok please share from time to time. My email is s.enning@outlook.com 

it is so true, we are one with our husbands/wife’s/partner’s and we have literally lost part of us, but unlike a wound or an injury the wound will not heal in time, it’s something that we have to now adjust to, in order to carry on with life.
 

I really wish I had a bunch of time to read and respond to posts today.  But we are having our annual garage sale for charity at my house the next few days, and I've been so busy!  But I wanted to get this in before I forgot.

I've had similar experiences, where I knew Paul was right here in the room with me.  You're right...not everyone believes in this, and I've had to watch who I told about it.  But it's so comforting when it happens!

As for the support group (and I hope I'm not breaking any rules here!), it's called Griefshare.  They are a nationwide program, held in churches all over.  I do know that there are cities and towns that don't have a Griefshare program, but I was fortunate to find one very close to me.  It's a 13 week program, and you can attend as many meetings as you want...and you can do the whole program several times if you need or want to.  I'll be starting my second time in September.  Also, if you go to their website, you can find groups near you.  And...if you scroll to the bottom of the home page, you'll find, "daily emails".  Sign up there to get the emails like the one I shared.  There are 365 emails.  You get the first in the series the day you sign up. 

All of that said, I am not a representative for Griefshare.  I'm just someone who has found comfort and fellowship by attending the meetings and reading their emails. 

 

 

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Roseapple said:

If his spirit is out there, why does he not come to me? 

I have been told it is harder than we'd realize...I don't know what they're doing but with time being no more, perhaps it seems as a second to them whereas for us the days/years drag on.  

[Carol34]

@Sim7079  I tried posting this this morning, but I'm not smart enough to figure out how to quote, and post something about the quote.  So it all ran together.  So...here's what I posted this morning.  I hope this helps you:

 

I really wish I had a bunch of time to read and respond to posts today.  But we are having our annual garage sale for charity at my house the next few days, and I've been so busy!  But I wanted to get this in before I forgot.

I've had similar experiences, where I knew Paul was right here in the room with me.  You're right...not everyone believes in this, and I've had to watch who I told about it.  But it's so comforting when it happens!

As for the support group (and I hope I'm not breaking any rules here!), it's called Griefshare.  They are a nationwide program, held in churches all over.  I do know that there are cities and towns that don't have a Griefshare program, but I was fortunate to find one very close to me.  It's a 13 week program, and you can attend as many meetings as you want...and you can do the whole program several times if you need or want to.  I'll be starting my second time in September.  Also, if you go to their website, you can find groups near you.  And...if you scroll to the bottom of the home page, you'll find, "daily emails".  Sign up there to get the emails like the one I shared.  There are 365 emails.  You get the first in the series the day you sign up. 

All of that said, I am not a representative for Griefshare.  I'm just someone who has found comfort and fellowship by attending the meetings and reading their emails. 

[KayC]

Select what you want to quote and a "quote" mark pops up, click on that, it'll put it in your new post.  Okay, that's about all I know wrapped up in a nutshell!
Nope, not breaking any rules!  I'm glad you found help iin Griefshare, it's a good one.

[Ronni_W]

On 7/12/2022 at 12:00 PM, Roxeanne said:

That's true Ronnie...we are living in a nightmare and we can't wake up! Sometimes i want to feel that reality is not so bad...i try to change my look at the things, try to think that is so wonderful that him was for years in my life, that my life was enlightened by  him....what would my life have been like without him ?

Cosa sarebbe stata la mia vita senza il suo amore ?

....without his love ?

Antidotes against that "incantesimo malvagio" 

They don't always work!

Roxeanne, I try to do the same -- "look on the bright side of things", as the people who don't know anything tell us is a good way to look at the things about which they themselves do not know anything. I even do know that I am truly happy for him (my deceased partner, lover and best friend), that he is free of all of this garbage that we who are still here on Earth still have to worry about -- wars and poverty and food insecurity and floods, typhoons and wild fires. So, at least he is free of these types of "incantesimo malvagios" (evil spells); and that's about the only thing that, for me, in reality is not only not so bad, but actually a really good thing.

As for the rest...yeah...just a nightmare from which I cannot wake up! No antidote at all. At least, none that seems reasonable or constructive for me at this time.     Love and hugs to you, Roxeanne, and to one and all.   Ronni

Edited August 2, 2022 by Ronni_W
Clarification

[Edwin-s]

On 6/29/2022 at 4:46 PM, Roseapple said:

Some of us are in a situation where they are alone with their grief. No ties through family, maybe even no one besides themselves who knew them. 
me and Lawrence were not so lucky to spend a long ti e together in this life. We were at the start. We fell in love so hard and unexpectedly. We were not even in the same country. The time we spend physically together was so painfully short. We should have had so much more time. 
I never felt that way for anyone. This was the first man I ever seriously talked about getting married with. We had so many dreams for our future and even more obstacles to overcome. We fought so hard for our relationship. We told each other that all this hardship will be worth it at the end. 
The end came and I was left. 
Not my parents not my sister, none of my friends had actually met him in person. Only over the phone. There is no one I can talk with about him. Talk about memories we have of him, to keep him alive. It all only lives in me. I don’t know if there is any word to describe this sort of loneliness. No one to share the pain with.  I should have had many years with him. 
I don’t want to let him go. 

My story has much in common with yours
I lost the love of my life yesterday
I am talking to her all the time
Since we lived far apart, we chatted throughout the day if we were not together
I find myself chatting to her as If this never happened.... Am i going crazy??????????????

[Roseapple]

Hello Edwin, so sorry for your loss. Hate to have to welcome you in our circle, but glad you found your way here. There is a long and hard path ahead of you and you will need to be patient with yourself. It’s been 8 month now and I miss talking to him so much. In the beginning I wrote to him a lot, now I do when I need to. I write him letters or emails, sometimes text him (but not sure how much longer his number will be active). Come here and share your thoughts as often if you need to. I found it quite helpful, since I don’t have anyone close by who truly understands my loss. 
 

[KayC]

No, not crazy...grief.  I am so sorry for your loss!  It's been the hardest journey of my life,..

Welcome to our forum, the place none of us wished for but are thankful for.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Edwin-s]

Thank you Roseapple and KayC

I just wanted to tell that I love exercising on my cross-training machine.
Today a ran for over an hour, just pumping as hard as I could, crying my eyes out as the waves of memories washed over me.
It hurts so so bad, but I will hang in and be my best in her memory.
I know that trough her tears, she will be smiling down on me.
 

 

Thank you Roseapple and KayC

I just wanted to tell that I love exercising on my cross-training machine.
Today a ran for over an hour, just pumping as hard as I could, crying my eyes out as the waves of memories washed over me.
It hurts so so bad, but I will hang in and be my best in her memory.
I know that trough her tears, she will be smiling down on me.
 

 

[Edwin-s]

Thank you @Roseapple and @KayC

I just wanted to tell this, not sure why........
I love exercising on my cross-training machine.
Today a ran for over an hour, just pumping as hard as I could, crying my eyes out as the waves of memories washed over me.
It hurts so so bad, but I will hang in and be my best in her memory.
I know that trough her tears, she will be smiling down on me.

[April Ballou]

@Edwin-s sorry to hear about your wife.  we all know what you are going through.   It's so hard. Our lives will never be the same.  Just know that we are all here for you.

[KayC]

Edwin, it's good you're getting exercise, taking care of yourself.  And I too like to think they can see us. 
April, how're you doing today?  My elec. may be out from 2 on...

[April Ballou]

@KayC I'm ok.  Trying to stay positive.  I pray your elec comes back on quickly.

[KayC]

It never went off!  They were precautionary in their announcements apparently..