Girlfriend died at age 20 - Yearly update

[Silviu]

One year has passed since i lost my girlfriend, so much has changed, yet so little

For more context here are my other 2 topics :

Lost my girlfriend to osteosarcoma at age 20

My life in the last 6 months since my girlfriend died

I can't believe 1 year has passed already. Last year i was feeling like the world just ended, i could not imagine my life without her, the first 2 months were horrible, i didn't know what to do with my life, i just wanted her back, and that was all i could think off.

She was my number one priority, we planned our future together: wait for her to finish medschool, move in together, marry, get 2 dogs, a cat and a duck (she really wanted a duck ), have kids (although we didn't make as much plans about the kids, as we did about the duck ), everything was perfect, i really wanted that future with her.

Everything i did was towards that future, i was living in another city, so i changed my job, moved back in my home city with her, just so we could spend more time together and be able to move in together after she got rid of cancer and no longer needed attention from her parents.

... yeah.. that didn't happen, and today last year, she was taken from me and that future was no longer achievable.

In those 2 months i got help from a therapist, and she made me realise what my girlfriend meant for me, and that i was very dependent on her for my happiness. So i made new friends and started going out with them, now i'm no longer dependent on one single person for my happiness. I like doing many things like skiing, stand up paddle, kayak, bike ride, ice skating, but before i met Gabi i haven't done any of those, because i didn't want to do them alone, she is the one that showed me how nice it feels to do the things you like. Now even though i no longer have her i'm still going out and doing all the things i enjoy, even tho she is no longer with me.

I'm the kind of guy that usually achieves everything i put my mind to, so i set for myself 3 goals: 1 to get over this tragedy; 2 to advance in my career, and improve my life; 3 to find love again with another girl.

Now that i look back i kinda started backwards, the first thing i did wast to start dating again, which was pretty much a mistake, she was my first and only girlfriend, so when i started dating i was expecting to find plenty of great girls for me to chose from... yeah, that didn't happen. When i first met Gabi, the more i talked with her, the more i started to like her, and the more we both realise how many things we have in common, things just clicked with her. With the girls i dated in the past year was quite the opposite, the more i talk with them, the more i realised how much i have to compromise to be with them. And as stupid as i am i was willing to compromise pretty much, but i think i have a guardian angel, because every time i decided that i could compromise, something happened and it didn't work out.

This lasted for about 6 months, after that i got tired of trying to get a girlfriend so i stopped dating, and focused on my career instead, in order to advance i need to get a certification, so i started working on that, i already passed the first exam, and on 3rd August i have my last exam, if pass this one too i get the certification... so the career is a work in progress.

I pretty much gave up on dating, because i intend to move back in the capital city and get a job there, so there is no point in finding someone here, because i intend to move anyway.

As for getting over her... i'm not even sure what that means, when it's considered that you got over someone ?

When you learn to live without them ? I've learned to live without her, but i don't like it, and if i could press a button and get her back i would do it in a heartbeat, no matter the cost.

When losing them no longer affects you ? Both the relationship with her and losing her had such a big impact in my life that it pretty much shaped me as a person.

When you stop thinking about them ? I no longer think of her 24/7 but no day has passed in the last year without one small thing reminding me of her. I still love her, and that is not going to change any time soon.

I'll be honest, my life is better than it was before i met her, but it's not better than it was when i was with her.

So basically, i haven't achieved anything i set up for myself last year, but i've made some progress and i believe i'm on the right track, so it's a work in progress.

Some good news from her parents, they decided to adopt a child, and last week they matched with a girl, she is 6 years old, cute and with a very big smile, they are going to meet her on Wednesday. She had a hard time finding new parents, because of her age, and race difference, but they really want her, they said that they are her only chance of finding a home, and it's what Gabi would have wanted, she told them before she died to adopt a child, and that the child should be older because they are also old.

Every time she went to adopt a new pet, she always chose one that nobody else wanted, because "if not her then who ?", so i truly believe that if it was up to her, she would chose this girl for her parents.

i'll be back next year, hopefully with better news.

[Gail 8588]

Silviu, 

Thanks for sharing your update. Sounds like you are doing well. Good luck back in the capital and on your exam in August. 

I don't think you will ever stop loving Gabi, but I do hope you find another girl to love and share your life with. Just like Gabi's parents will never stop loving her but they will love this new child as well. 

I am glad you have been able to keep your relationship with Gabi's parents. I hope you will stay in touch with them from time to  time. It means a lot to me now (5 years after his death) to talk to my husband's friends about him. It's not sad now, it helps me to feel his spirit is still with us when I can talk with others about this or that event when John was with us. 

I'll look forward to your next update!

Gail 

[Mojo]

Silviu, I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sure that must be very difficult at a young age. Can’t imagine.

However, I’ve experienced a devastating loss after 25 years of marriage, and I would tell any doctors that told me that I shouldn’t rely on one person for my happiness to go screw themselves with extreme prejudice.

Joanne and I were great together, worked as a team, and raised two outstanding young adults.

She was everything to me. Yes, the kids, our friends, our families, they gave us joy and happiness. But the incredible bond between us made it all possible. She was my happiness, and everything else was possible because of the strength of our relationship.

You are still young. I truly hope that after this terrible loss you can find a relationship that gratifies you similarly. Just don’t settle for less than what you want. I didn’t settle, I was 35 years old before I met the wonderful woman that became my wife. 

Peace to you

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Silviu said:

As for getting over her... i'm not even sure what that means, when it's considered that you got over someone ?

We don't get over them.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending.  It DOES, however, evolve and is not stagnant.  We only stay stuck if we make no effort to progress in it.  Your seeing a specialist was a good move and it sounds like it helped you!  I'm so glad.  If someone doesn't get a good one, or don't connect with them, it's important to keep looking for one that is helpful.  

You've concluded some things that I did too only you're a little smarter than I am, it took me longer.  One of the things I've learned on my grief journey is we can't look for someone to complete us or to replace the one we lost, that doesn't happen...it's ESSENTIAL to first deal with our grief and get comfortable with ourselves, being on our own, just us, and okay with that BEFORE bringing anyone else into the equation!  And at my age, I don't feel like going through what I'd have to go through to possibly find someone...life has slipped on by somehow.  I guess what the Bible says about life being a vapor is true, because just yesterday I was young, and now I am old!  I don't know how I got here so fast!

13 hours ago, Silviu said:

When losing them no longer affects you ?

Oh it affects us, the rest of our lives, we're forever changed!  HOW we let it change us is up to us.  We alone decide what we learn from this, how to take positive changes with us going forward.

13 hours ago, Silviu said:

When you stop thinking about them ? I no longer think of her 24/7 but no day has passed in the last year without one small thing reminding me of her. I still love her, and that is not going to change any time soon.

Father's Day it'll be 17 years...not a day goes by but what I've thought of him, and always I miss him.  Not just because I'm missing him but also because HE impacted my life more than any single person, we truly loved each other and it's such a rare special gift.  I learned so much from being with him.  I'm forever grateful for him.

13 hours ago, Silviu said:

I'll be honest, my life is better than it was before i met her, but it's not better than it was when i was with her.

Yep!

I'm glad you are making the strides you are and are progressing with your career goals and wish you well with your move.  Someday when you least expect it you may find another if you're open to it and I hope so for it sounds like what you want.  I wish you well with it and it sounds like you're already learning what it took me years to.

I share this with the new people...having a year under your belt, take a look with fresh open eyes and see if you can identify with some of the things I've gathered over the years...I think you will, you seem to have from your remarks already.  It hits us differently when we look back instead of still in shock and grief fog...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Silviu]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am glad you have been able to keep your relationship with Gabi's parents. I hope you will stay in touch with them from time to  time.

Her parents liked me, and were very supporting of our relationship, and we still meet up from time to time, i've also kept in touch with her best friend, she became my best friend now, and we talk almost daily.

11 hours ago, Mojo said:

I would tell any doctors that told me that I shouldn’t rely on one person for my happiness to go screw themselves with extreme prejudice.

For me it was an incredible feeling to have one person, that offered me everything i needed, she was both my girlfriend and my best friend, but that came with some problems, like for example she wasn't always available to go out with me, and it was frustrating for both of us. She told me many times that i should make some friends, so i could go out with them when she is busy. So in my next relationship, i'll make sure not to rely on my girlfriend as much, and always have things to do that make me happy other than going out with her.

11 hours ago, Mojo said:

Just don’t settle for less than what you want.

I'm in a vicious circle, i say that i won't settle for anything less, then i meet a girl, who isn't exactly what i want, but i decide to give her a chance anyway, it doesn't work, then i tell myself that i won't settle for anything less next time, and so on. 

Sometimes i think back to the first date with Gabi, when things just clicked between us, it was like we were talking the same emotional language, she was exactly what i needed, and i was exactly what she needed, it was a pretty good match. I've said "needed" because none of us knew what we wanted, but we were both happy with what we got.

5 hours ago, KayC said:

We only stay stuck if we make no effort to progress in it.

This is very accurate, yes time heals, but effort is the one that makes progress.

5 hours ago, KayC said:

we can't look for someone to complete us or to replace the one we lost, that doesn't happen...it's ESSENTIAL to first deal with our grief and get comfortable with ourselves, being on our own, just us, and okay with that BEFORE bringing anyone else into the equation!

Sometimes i wonder if i'm ready for someone else, or i just want a replacement. Right now i can say that i'm happy on my own, but there is an empty spot in my heart waiting to be filled, and i don't want someone exactly like her, i want someone different, she was exactly what i needed in 2019, but now in 2022, i need something else from a partner, but who makes me feel the same connection i've felt with her.

5 hours ago, KayC said:

It hits us differently when we look back instead of still in shock and grief fog...

When i look back to last year, i felt so lost, and just waited for time to pass, but at the same time i was afraid of the future because i knew it will be without her. When i was with her, i always looked forward to the next date, and after i lost her there was just nothing for me to expect from the future.

The hardest thing for me, was to find something to look forward to, instead of looking backwards to how life used to be. Planning a new future without her, helped me a lot, that's why i set some goals to myself, to give me something to work towards. I've also had plenty of fun with my friends and i look forward to the next time i'll go out with them. One thing i learned from Gabi, was to do what i like, she was the kind of person who enjoyed many activities, and she always did them, alone or with someone but she did them, me on the other hand, i liked many activities, but i didn't do them because i didn't want to go alone, she had no problems doing things alone, and i've learned that from her.

If i could give my past self a piece of advice it would be: Find things that you enjoy and do them, find things that you want to achieve, and work towards them.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Silviu said:

Find things that you enjoy and do them, find things that you want to achieve, and work towards them.

And this sounds good.  I've learned to be patient with myself, kind, understanding.  I am my own best friend now that my George is gone.