My life in the last 6 months since my girlfriend died

[Silviu]

6 Months ago I lost my girlfriend to cancer, I still miss her a lot, not a day passes without thinking about her, but I'm doing much better than I was after she died, you can read more about it here: https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/18149-lost-my-girlfriend-to-osteosarcoma-at-age-20/

After the first 2 months I no longer felt the need to come to this forum, but I decided to come today to let others know what worked and what didn't work for me, maybe this will help somebody at the beginning of their grieving journey. A bit of context about me, I'm 27 now, so age is definitely on my side and I live in Romania, which means that everything is close, the Capital is only 2 hours away, and the mountains only 4 hours away and I live close to the sea.

Back in May, one month before her death, she was in the hospital, we could no longer see each other (due to her low immunity, combined with the Covid risk), and I was supposed to go on a vacation with my parents, but I was afraid she might die while I was away and I wanted to cancel, when she heard about it she insisted that I go, she even promised we will see each other on videocall just to ensure me she is ok. I wasn't in a mood for vacation, but I decided to try horse riding, since I always wanted to try it and that was my only opportunity to do so since she had back problems (due to her cancer) and couldn't join me even if she was cured.

I didn't know it back then but going to that vacation was one of those life changing decisions, because now I'm on a different path than I would have been if I didn't go. Besides the fact that those 6 hours of horse riding helped me relax and cleared my mind of problems, I also met there a very nice group of people, 8 more people came to that 6 hours horse trip through the forest and on the hills. At the lunch break we talked for a bit and I found out that 5 of them came in as an organized group, the group leader was also a Ski instructor so I told him that I'm interested in taking some lessons next winter, he added me to their facebook group, and I became friends with all of them, very nice people. They went a few more times there but i was worried about my girlfriend so I didn't go, and after she died I was in no mood for that.

After her death I tried going out by myself but it wasn't too great, since I just did alone things I used to do with her. After 2 months I had 2 weeks off from work, because I was supposed to go on a vacation with her that got canceled, so I checked on facebook if they organized anything in those 2 weeks and they announced a few trips to Stand up Paddle on a few different lakes so I decided to go and this was also a great decision because I felt very good, interacting with all those great people from the group, going stand up paddling it was the first time since her death when I felt some form of happiness. When I came back home I was in a really good mood, my mother told me I came back like a different person.

Between August and now I went with them many times, to paddleboarding, bike riding in the mountains, last time we also went ice skating, and now we are preparing for the Ski season, I already bought my own Ski equipment and I'll go with them once every 2 weeks this winter. Each time I return from one of those trips I feel like my batteries got recharged, this is what got me out of depression, and what's keeping me out of it. The only problem is that they live in the capital so each time I go out with them I have to take a 2 hour trip, so I can only do it in the weekend, but they go out more often, so my plan is to move back to the capital (I lived there for 2 years but came back to my home city after I met my girlfriend so I could be with her).

My girlfriend used to be both a girlfriend and a best friend, I had no other friends, and the only times I would go out were with her, she is the one that took me Skiing, ice skating, biking, so at least now I have made friends to go out with, I'm sure she would be proud of me, she always told me to make friends and go out with them when she is busy with learning for her exams (she was second year in medschool).

I also tried dating, I went out with 4 girls but it didn't work out, which made me realize how lucky I was to meet such a great girlfriend, and how well we got along together. Anyway I took a break from dating for this year, it was a shitty year, the next period with Christmas and New Year will also be shitty, on 17 December would have been our 2 years anniversary, so another sad day.

Right now I'm waiting for this shitty year to be over, and I'm preparing for the Ski season in January, and I'm also working on myself, I want to get a job in the capital city so I can move there and go out more often with my friends, maybe meet a girl, who knows, this is my new years resolution for 2022, I have a feeling it will be a better one for me .

[KayC]

Thank you for updating us, we all handle this journey differently, and it helps others to know what worked/what didn't work for you.  It souunds like you have some plans/goals, I hope things pan out for you.  

[Jen H]

I lost my boyfriend to cancer 10 weeks ago.  I thought I was doing better than the last week I went downhill.  He was also my best friend and did everything together.  It gives me hope to hear how well you are doing.  I'm trying to keep a few of his good friends in my life since I don't have any close friends or family.  All you need is a couple good people in your life not necessarily a significant other.  That will probably come naturally one day since you're still so young.  I'm learning at 45 that if it happens one day it happens but I could care less about it.  Glad to read your post and hear such positivity!!!

[Silviu]

21 minutes ago, Jen H said:

I lost my boyfriend to cancer 10 weeks ago.  I thought I was doing better than the last week I went downhill.  He was also my best friend and did everything together.  It gives me hope to hear how well you are doing.  I'm trying to keep a few of his good friends in my life since I don't have any close friends or family.  All you need is a couple good people in your life not necessarily a significant other.  That will probably come naturally one day since you're still so young.  I'm learning at 45 that if it happens one day it happens but I could care less about it.  Glad to read your post and hear such positivity!!!

I'm soo sorry you lost your boyfriend . 

What I learned is that this grieving is more like climbing a hill, taking a few steps forward then slipping on something and falling back to the bottom, I also had weeks when I felt good but then it went downhill, and I still do, usually around important dates, like birthdays. but the good periods get longer and the bad ones shorter with time so I'm making a progress

I also kept in touch with her friends and parents, especially with her best friend, we talk a lot, we aren't exactly friends, we just talk, she also loved her very much, they were like sisters, so we understand each other, and she is a good listener, I talk with her every time I need to talk with someone.

And yes I agree, it's very important to have a couple of good people in your life, I used to rely on my girlfriend to make me happy, but that wasn't ok, we had some minor relationship problems because of this, and losing her made me realize that a partner shouldn't be responsible for my happiness, which is why I'm working on myself right now before I get into another relationship.

After she died I tried doing alone, activities that we used to do together just so I could get out of the house, but it was very painful, I used to cry while riding the bike by myself, but it got easier. The first time I did it I could remember entire conversations I had with her while passing the places where we had those conversations, it was awful. What helped me a lot was when I started doing new activities that I've never done with her, in places I've never been with her, because I could make new memories with my friends, instead of remembering the ones with her.

[Jen H]

I also relied on him a whole lot.  Unlike myself, he had a way with people so he had many friends.  I have picked out a few who were there for him the most to keep in touch with.  It's out of my comfort zone but I know I need this to better myself.  Also taking time to do positive alone activities has helped as well.  

[tnd]

On 12/11/2021 at 1:09 PM, Silviu said:

I want to get a job in the capital city so I can move there and go out more often with my friends, maybe meet a girl, who knows, this is my new years resolution for 2022, I have a feeling it will be a better one for me .

Silviu:  Great to hear from you, Silviu! No fooling, I was thinking of you the other day. Thank you for sharing an update with us. Glad you are getting out to do things and that it has helped you. Grief is very hard to live with. Missing our loved ones hurts. But it sounds like keeping busy and having positive thoughts helps to carry you through the grief. I hope that continues for you and that you will continue giving us updates when you can. I could almost feel you smiling when I read your latest post. Keep it up! 

[Silviu]

17 hours ago, Jen H said:

Also taking time to do positive alone activities has helped as well.  

I'm glad to hear that 

13 hours ago, tnd said:

Silviu! No fooling, I was thinking of you the other day.

That's soo sweet 

13 hours ago, tnd said:

I hope that continues for you and that you will continue giving us updates when you can.

I'll try to stay on the right track, and I'll keep giving updates from time to time, hopefully I'll come back with even better news next time

This year I was strong, next year I'll be happy

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Silviu said:

What helped me a lot was when I started doing new activities that I've never done with her

That makes sense.  There's some things I've avoided doing as well, like camping, going for drives.  I'd love to but would not be the same without him.

Groceries is no longer an event but a chore.  We used to make a day of it, see friends, get pizza (100 mile round trip to the grocery store)!  George LOVED getting groceries, he grew up poor, second eldest of 11 kids, often didn't have food, so food was important to him and he'd get so excited about it, like a kid in a candy store!
 

[tnd]

8 hours ago, Silviu said:

This year I was strong, next year I'll be happy

Silviu:  Sounds like you know not to expect too much too soon. Glad you are getting out and doing things. Sorry the dating hasn't worked out but I do think it was good that you tried it. I would think moving back to the Capitol, to the city, will be good for you, too. There will be more activity for you to explore and people to meet and things to do. You can always book a weekend riding horses or going skiing when you want to get out of the city but working and living in the city might be good for you. Sounds like you are going with a positive attitude and also being realistic. I am sure happiness will come your way. Take care! Keep in-touch with us here! We will be cheering you on! 

[KayC]

All we can do is continue trying, in however way we choose, as someone named olemisfit (Darrell) used to write, One foot in front of the other.

[Silviu]

Thank you for the kind words 

18 hours ago, tnd said:

Sorry the dating hasn't worked out but I do think it was good that you tried it.

After I lost Gabi I was afraid I'll never find someone again, she was my first girlfriend, so I wasn't used to dating, I can say I was pretty lucky to meet her without even trying, it's like the universe wanted us to meet.

I decided to try dating because I wanted to see what kind of girls are out there, and to prove to myself that I can find someone. And the dates went pretty well, but unfortunately we weren't compatible, this also helped me learn more about myself, about what I want, for example I can't be with someone who doesn't like outdoor activities.

I asked the group leader who organizes all those activities how he managed to find so many same-minded people, because I can't even find one friend who likes the same stuff I do, while he has hundreds, and he told me that if want to find friends who like the same activities as me, I should start doing those activities, and I'll find them there, and this really stuck with me.

Same for women, chances of finding a girl who likes skiing on a dating app is very small, but finding one who likes skiing on the ski slope is 100%

Right now I've paused dating since I want to move to another city there is no point in finding someone here, also long distance relationship won't work for me, I already tried that with the third girl .

I'll focus on having fun this ski season, then I'll focus on my career, and then on finding someone.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, Silviu said:

I'll focus on having fun this ski season, then I'll focus on my career, and then on finding someone.

Silviu:  Sounds like you've got a pretty level head and know what you want/don't want. Putting yourself first and doing what you think you need to do is a good idea. Take care of yourself and enjoy life the way you want before trying to make anyone else happy. You need to make yourself happy first and work through your grief. You seem to be doing very well, you seem strong. I hope this continues for you. When you have self-confidence and self-esteem, others know it. When you are happy, others know that, too. 

[KayC]

It sounds like you have a plan and are thinking things through, going into this with not only your heart open but your head as well.  And you're right, go where the people you're lookiing for will be found and not the great pretenders that are out there.    Enjoy the slopes, should be a good winter for it!

[Silviu]

Thank you for the kind words and support, hopefully the next time I come back here I'll have even better news. 

[KayC]

We welcome it and hope with you!