"Talking" to our lost one

[widower2]

I've seen this mentioned here and there on other threads. Good to know I'm not the only one who does this. I don't mean full-blown conversations that would have people calling for the rubber room  Mostly for me just the occasional comment, sometimes just as a thought in my head, sometimes though actually said out loud, like "hey how you doing out there?" (I do this sometimes as I drive to the grocery store, which is a hike for me). Or staring at her picture and going "I'm so sorry." Or I eat too much because what I'm eating tastes great and as she would say "my eyes are faster than my stomach" and I end up too full and miserable and I look up and go "I know, I know, I did it again" or whatever. 

[Canadagirl81]

I have full on conversations. I even asked him the other day if he wanted something when I went downstairs to the kitchen. I tell him about my day, I talk to him fully and openly and I don't care. I hear his voice in my head a lot and respond out loud...like if I'm walking down to the water and the rocks are slippery, I can hear him saying "be careful" and I'll say "I know I know, Im being careful" or I'll say things "yeah I know, I shouldn't have eaten that second brownie but I don't care" lol It's so comforting talking to him and I will continue for the rest of my life. 

[widower2]

That's great CG, whatever helps! 

PS I don't know how I missed this before, but hi from a Penna native. Whereabouts? 

[Canadagirl81]

 @widower2 I'm in the Poconos, Lake Wallenpaupack area about 40 minutes from Scranton. I was born and raised in Canada but have lived in the states for almost 15 years. New Jersey for most of that, Tennessee and now here. Where are you?

[DWS]

Sometimes I'll binge too much on grief and loss videos on Youtube and then glare at Tom's photo which is right by my computer and say "see what you've done!" And his response would be "me?!"

[widower2]

  

2 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

 @widower2 I'm in the Poconos, Lake Wallenpaupack area about 40 minutes from Scranton. I was born and raised in Canada but have lived in the states for almost 15 years. New Jersey for most of that, Tennessee and now here. Where are you?

Oh cool, our family vacationed in the Poconos a time or two when I was growing up. And like so many PAers vacationed on the Jersey shore many times. I'm from Harrisburg but have lived in the South for many years now. I'll be honest I couldn't move back North.  Too used to the warmer weather. Weather wimp! 

[Canadagirl81]

@widower2 I love winter and really really REALLY didn't like Tennessee. I never see myself living down south, I'm a northern girl. Yeah I'm in a lake community and it's only busy around here in the summer. The fall, winter and early spring months are amazing....there's no one around and its very private. I'm super fortunate. I'm thinking of moving back to Jersey but I'm not sure....I'm open to wherever is for me. Enjoy the warmth! 

[widower2]

Wow you're the first person I talked to who said they didn't like Tennessee. Was it the warmer weather? 

Loved it as a kid, but I'll be honest, the older I get, the less I like winter.  The cold ugh. If it gets below 50 now I wince lol. That said, I could live without 95 degrees and crazy humidity too, but I'll take the trade off. 

[Canadagirl81]

Uhhhh I'm not going to get into here on the public forum but let's just say I couldn't wait to get the heck out The weather was actually a little too warm for me. I have really sensitive skin and the humidity and stuff didn't do me any favours. A tornado ripped through our neighbourhood as well and it's just not something I ever want to experience again. I love all 4 seasons and absolutely adore winter...I'm weird I guess. 

[widower2]

lol - understandable. We do have four seasons in the South FYI, just not as extreme. I don't miss 2' of snow or 20 degree weather. I do however miss venison.  And real chow chow! Southerners have this pickled cabbage they call "chow chow" 

The worst was when I lived in Arizona. Now there's a place without four seasons. They have two: hot and hotter. I know many love that but I'll pass! 

[tnd]

8 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

A tornado ripped through our neighbourhood as well

People have actually told me they'd like to be in a tornado to see what it feels like. *News Flash* I don't think it is us who should be in the rubber room!

 

 

 

 

[tnd]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

I know, I know, I did it again" or whatever. 

I talk all the time. If I'm not alone I mutter under my breath. Can't wait to be to do my own grocery shopping again. No doubt I will appear to be arguing with myself. 

[Sparky1]

54 minutes ago, tnd said:

People have actually told me they'd like to be in a tornado to see what it feels like. *News Flash* I don't think it is us who should be in the rubber room!

 

 

 

 

I've been about 20 feet away from a passing tornado inside our truck. It was the biggest rush I've ever had in my life. Luckily my wife and I didn't get injured but our trailer was badly damaged. It ripped open buildings in town, trailers were flying in the air, it was wild. I've always loved thunderstorms and lightning, this was the ultimate one. Nobody in the whole town was killed thankfully.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

I don't miss 2' of snow or 20 degree weather. I do however miss venison

We have venison and elk here but also the snow.  I have to drive to the valley (120 mile round trip) Sunday to get a Covid test, now they're predicting snow, it should be done with by then!  I may postpone my appt a bit, never expected this (don't have AWD).  My sister's death and thrown a kink in everything now too. Been there every day this week.
 

 

1 hour ago, tnd said:

People have actually told me they'd like to be in a tornado to see what it feels like.

No, no!  I'm glad Oregon doesn't get those and on the rare occasion they do, they're smaller/milder.  Very rare here!

 

1 hour ago, tnd said:

I talk all the time.

Haha, I've caught myself talking to myself while walking Kodie, then I notice a neighbor looking at me sideways! 

17 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I've always loved thunderstorms and lightning

Me too but not when it's hot/dry because of the fires it starts.

[LMR]

These days everybody walks around with ear buds talking on their phones. Nobody can really tell that we're talking to ourselves. I do it when I am out walking and when I am alone at night.

[DWS]

26 minutes ago, LMR said:

These days everybody walks around with ear buds talking on their phones. Nobody can really tell that we're talking to ourselves. I do it when I am out walking and when I am alone at night.

That's been the beauty of wearing a mask over the past two years. No one can see or hear you quietly talking to yourself. It's also been hiding my very sad face. 

[William M]

I went to my wife's grave Sunday and talked to her for 15 minutes. I do that a lot to catch her up of what's happened recently, and what's going on with her 2 beloved little girls (puppies-  Shelly, and penny).  I'm not sure why I do this as I talk to her throughout the week at home. But that's mainly telling her I miss her, and I love her, and that I'm so sad.

[tnd]

On 4/4/2022 at 8:16 AM, Sparky1 said:

I've always loved thunderstorms and lightning, this was the ultimate

Okay, buddy! Off to the rubber room you go!! lol...   I've been thru 3 tornadoes with nowhere or time to get to a shelter. For my first one I tried to take a mattress into a bathtub but it was too heavy for me. So what did I do?? Got back into bed, pulled the blankets up over my head and hoped that if I was found dead they'd just think I "went in my sleep". I had more experience by my third time, tho. Hung on to a column in the dining room of the house I was visiting. Afterwards, we went outside to see all the debris. People were crying but no one hurt. Looking at all the damage I suddenly felt a feeling of euphoria come over me...I was very happy to be alive, nothing else, not even my brand new car that was destroyed mattered.  

[KayC]

T & L is one thing, tornadoes another.  As long as T & L isn't in the summer drought when our homes are in peril, I love them too!

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, KayC said:

As long as T & L isn't in the summer drought when our homes are in peril, I love them too!

I only like listening/watching storms from a window. This reminds me, I will have to listen to storms on my new phone tonite in bed. 

I think I just remembered that Sparky1 is an electrician?? And he likes storms?? Yikes! That room will need DOUBLE the rubber!!    Jusss kiddin....lol 

[tnd]

On 4/4/2022 at 9:10 AM, LMR said:

Nobody can really tell that we're talking to ourselves.

You are so right about that, LMR!  What you said will now give me the confidence to blabber away more often to my husband. 

[KayC]

10 minutes ago, tnd said:

I will have to listen to storms on my new phone tonite in bed. 

Yay!  New phone?!

10 minutes ago, tnd said:

And he likes storms??

Job security!

 

[tnd]

On 4/4/2022 at 9:40 AM, DWS said:

It's also been hiding my very sad face. 

I'm so sorry! It IS hard to put on a happy face when we are grieving. And it brings people down and I don't want to do that. But if ever someone asks you why the sad face, I hope you tell them. But I warn, some people are just not good at being emphatic with us. I don't think it has anything to do with us personally but rather, people don't know what to say or do for us. That's why I say to tell them why you are sad. Say it straight out. I, myself am getting a little better at it. Feels a little better to get it out. 

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

Job security!

Or is he trying to attract lightening? Do you golf, Sparky 1?  My husband always got disappointed when they were called in off a golf course because lightening had been detected. In either case, I don't know that I'd want to stand too close to these men.  

[tnd]

6 minutes ago, KayC said:

New phone?!

YES!!  Yay for me!  I got a new phone!!   There's a bit of a story behind it, I'll have to put it over on the other thread...Lots of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life... 

[tnd]

4 hours ago, William M said:

I'm not sure why I do this as I talk to her throughout the week at home.

Maybe it makes you feel a little closer to her. There is certainly nothing wrong with it. If it's become a part of your routine that is helping you through the grief then that's what you should probably do. Who's to say that at some point you may not feel the need to go as often. And that would be alright, too. I say these things because I think when it comes to grief, we just have to do what feels right in our hearts and what we are comfortable with doing. Some days it's this...other days it's that. I just do whatever my heart tells me and what I feel up to doing. 

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

Do you golf, Sparky 1?

Tnd, I used to golf when I was younger. Then my back problems prevented me from playing any more, so I had to give it up. Oh we used to play rain or shine, that's how much I loved it. Being an electrician and getting my fair share of shocks doesn't deter me from enjoying lightning. That's why my nickname is the  Sparky One. There's something majestic and spiritual about the forces of nature, as though God is putting on a display of His power. Who doesn't like fireworks anyway?

I'm glad you've been able to get your own phone, hopefully this will lead to more opportunities in getting your own place. And yes, sometimes I feel I'd be better off in a rubber room with the whole world going to hell in a handbasket lately. Just kidding.

 

[widower2]

  

On 4/4/2022 at 9:16 AM, Sparky1 said:

I've been about 20 feet away from a passing tornado inside our truck. It was the biggest rush I've ever had in my life. Luckily my wife and I didn't get injured but our trailer was badly damaged. It ripped open buildings in town, trailers were flying in the air, it was wild. I've always loved thunderstorms and lightning, this was the ultimate one. Nobody in the whole town was killed thankfully.

My only experience with a tornado was when I was moving from AZ to VA and drove the whole way. I pit-stopped in Oklahoma and the next morning I heard the radio warn about tornados. I thought yeah yeah whatever....got back on the interstate and there's NOBODY on the road (keep in mind it's flat, you can see forever)...then suddenly one car came out of nowhere and FLEW by me like I was standing still. I'm thinking wow what's his hurry....

Then I look to my right (south)...and I see a funny-looking cloud...and realize that's no cloud, that's a tornado. ZOOM......I'm hauling ass, cops be damned! 

[KayC]

I'd be right with you, widower!  I'd be lucky to not have a heart attack!

[widower2]

Nah that came later.  

Anyway, I still talk to her occasionally. There are still those times when it's "God I miss you" and "I'm so sorry"...but generally it's not as morose as it was in earlier times, and sometimes it's even upbeat...like reminiscing about her crazy dogs and their antics...lol...they gave her and I both so much, if only they knew.

 

[BlueFrog]

On 4/3/2022 at 10:48 PM, Canadagirl81 said:

I have full on conversations. I even asked him the other day if he wanted something when I went downstairs to the kitchen. I tell him about my day, I talk to him fully and openly and I don't care. I hear his voice in my head a lot and respond out loud...like if I'm walking down to the water and the rocks are slippery, I can hear him saying "be careful" and I'll say "I know I know, Im being careful" or I'll say things "yeah I know, I shouldn't have eaten that second brownie but I don't care" lol It's so comforting talking to him and I will continue for the rest of my life. 

I also hear Tom in my minds ear warning me to be careful when I'm up on a ladder, or doing some other dangerous task. Also, when I'm getting into his tools and can't find what I need, I will tell him what I'm looking for and ask for his help finding it. It usually works! (Hey Tom, I need a 7 mm box end wrench, can you  help me find it? When I find it I say "Thanks Tom!").

[MissAlex]

My husband passed a year and a half ago and I keep a journal filled with letters I write to him telling him all the things I wish I could say to him. I felt a little foolish at first but writing those letters has helped me process my grief. I still find myself waiting for his afternoon texts and when I realize that I'll never get another text from him again, my heart breaks all over again. He filled so many parts of my life that the empty spaces he left are deafening. But I'd like to think that wherever he is, he's getting my letters.

[Canadagirl81]

@MissAlex Your beloved husband is absolutely getting your letters. I think that's so beautiful you write to him. You aren't alone in your heart breaking over and over again. Sending you hugs.
Laura

[Ronni_W]

On 4/3/2022 at 10:30 PM, widower2 said:

[...] Mostly for me just the occasional comment, sometimes just as a thought in my head, sometimes though actually said out loud, like "hey how you doing out there?" [...]. Or staring at her picture and going "I'm so sorry." [...] or whatever. 

widower2,

for me, also just occasionally. I'm still very wary -- I should say, if I decided to be totally honest with you, "I'm still very afraid" -- of doing this (talking to him), for fear that I'm going to end up doing it all the time, and just totally lose track of my true reality here on Earth, which is that my husband is dead.     But then I participated in a grief-support group just on Monday, and the facilitator talked about a commemoration ceremony in Japan (I think it was Japan), where, at the end of the ceremony/celebration, they float the tealights either down the river on some floaty-things or into the air, in some, um, floaty-things, and the underlying meaning is so that the Light then leads my loved one back to where he belongs (and doesn't keep him "stuck" here in any 'Earth octave/dimension/realm').

Until I heard this, on Monday, it wasn't actually a conscious/crystallized thought of mine, but, nevertheless, turns out that I didn't/don't want to keep talking to him if, by doing that, I will end up keeping him stuck 'here' with me...instead of free, 'there' -- wherever is lovelier and happier for him to be. (I do want him here with me...but not at his expense, if this makes any sense at all?)

Also, though, for the more-than-2-years before this week, I have been saying stuff to him, or asking him stuff. Mostly it 'comes out first' and then I realize that I did it. (For the future, I'm just going to try to remember to visualize 'floating' a tealight to lead him back to where he belongs, rather than try to stop myself from my spontaneous communications with him, when it comes up. I do what I can to get myself through all of this, and hell with all the rest.)

Love and hugs to you.   Ronni

[foreverhis]

On 4/3/2022 at 7:30 PM, widower2 said:

I don't mean full-blown conversations that would have people calling for the rubber room

Well...Not these days, but at first I sure did.  Not that I expected an answer back; I wasn't that out of it. 

I still usually say "Good morning, love" as I see his picture when I come downstairs or "Isn't it beautiful out today?" (even if it's raining) when I open the shades and gaze out to the ocean in the near distance.  I usually say, "I'm home" when I walk in the door.  I talk to him in small bits some days about my day or family/friend events (such as the wedding last month, the first milestone family event without him).  I give him a hard time when I hit lots of red lights going into town.  See, he had this mojo where he almost always hit all green lights, no matter how bad the traffic, and almost always got a perfect parking place, no matter how crowded it was.  Last week, I was driving home and kept hitting red lights, which had happened as I was driving in too, I said, "Oh, come on!  Honey, you're supposed to help me with this!  What are doing up there?  Watching the dancing girls?" (one of our many little "just us" teases).

I don't think it makes me weird or maybe not any weirder than I already am.  I wouldn't care even if it did. 

[tnd]

12 hours ago, MissAlex said:

My husband passed a year and a half ago and I keep a journal filled with letters I write to him telling him all the things I wish I could say to him. I f

What an excellent idea! I like that it's a positive way to deal with your grief and feelings. I've thought about journaling, not sure yet but I like what you are doing. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, MissAlex said:

I keep a journal filled with letters I write to him telling him all the things I wish I could say to him.

I read this in another post and responded there, but I have done the same...now I just talk to him but still have a file on my computer.

 

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I don't think it makes me weird or maybe not any weirder than I already am.  I wouldn't care even if it did.

 

[widower2]

On 5/5/2022 at 3:28 AM, foreverhis said:

Well...Not these days, but at first I sure did.  Not that I expected an answer back; I wasn't that out of it. 

I still usually say "Good morning, love" as I see his picture when I come downstairs or "Isn't it beautiful out today?" (even if it's raining) when I open the shades and gaze out to the ocean in the near distance.  I usually say, "I'm home" when I walk in the door.  I talk to him in small bits some days about my day or family/friend events (such as the wedding last month, the first milestone family event without him).  I give him a hard time when I hit lots of red lights going into town.  See, he had this mojo where he almost always hit all green lights, no matter how bad the traffic, and almost always got a perfect parking place, no matter how crowded it was.  Last week, I was driving home and kept hitting red lights, which had happened as I was driving in too, I said, "Oh, come on!  Honey, you're supposed to help me with this!  What are doing up there?  Watching the dancing girls?" (one of our many little "just us" teases).

I don't think it makes me weird or maybe not any weirder than I already am.  I wouldn't care even if it did. 

lol @ dancing girls   No of course it doesn't make you weird, and I and no doubt many of us do similar. But it's not like we expect a response (at least not a direct verbal one like we used to). Heck I still occasionally say something to her/our dog, who I put down a few years ago. Just today I was changing the bed sheets. Sometimes I just throw the sheets in the wash and put them back on. He loved that and loved to hop up on the bed after I put them back on...I don't know if it was because maybe they were still a little warm, or the nice linen smell, but he would sit there at the threshold of the bedroom staring at me like "are you done yet?" and the split second I was done, hop up and take a little nap. When I was done today I could just see him there and went "there you go bud" out loud. What I'd give to see even a spirit image of him laying there all comfy.

[widower2]

 

On 5/5/2022 at 5:37 AM, tnd said:

What an excellent idea! I like that it's a positive way to deal with your grief and feelings. I've thought about journaling, not sure yet but I like what you are doing. 

I did that every day initially...they weren't letters to her, more just unloading what I was feeling. Gradually I did it less and less and haven't for years now. I tried going back and looking at it a few times but it was too hard. But I can't bring myself to delete it either.

[HisPumpkin]

Every morning I have a bit of a ritual. I have a love note on the fridge that he wrote me, I kiss it and tell him I love him and good morning. I also started an anonymous blog (mostly completely private) where I write to him every single day, like @MissAlex everything I want to say to him.

I do talk to him throughout the day too, sometimes in the deepest pits of despair I scream at him. But mostly I have an inner dialogue with him, I can still hear his voice in my head and I worry that I’ll lose that. But at least I have many messages from him where I can hear his voice, from the mundane to the silly to the sweet. I actually have messages from him saying things like “but did you eat an actual dinner yet, baby?” and “go to sleep love, I love you, I’ll be home soon” so when I’m struggling with appetite and sleep I listen to them and pretend he’s still here with me. We do whatever we gotta to get through. 

Actually reminded me I was walking in the dark the other week, I wanted to go sit on our special park bench, and I could hear him “get your ass home, it’s dangerous at this time of night”. 🙄

[KayC]

18 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I could hear him “get your ass home, it’s dangerous at this time of night”.

  I love it!  He's still looking after you!

[Dragonfly999]

I have my husbands ashes on the altar of our home dojo. I have his portrait there and several smaller pictures of us, and fresh flowers. Everyday after I finally get out of bed I go in there and light incense for him, and sit on a cushion. I tell him good morning and how much I miss him and love him. Usually it makes me cry. I’ll say little things throughout the day to him too and even though I know it doesn’t matter where I physically am, I still feel closer and able to talk to him more when I’m sitting there with him. I bought a notebook that I’ve been writing to him in, both as a way to write to him and to record every little detail and memory about him so I never lose those moments and memories. The writing feels good until it doesn’t when I start crying and then put it away.

[KayC]

We learn to connect with them in a new way than we did.  You're doing a beautiful job of it.

Continuing beyond physical death
Continuing Bonds - rituals
Continuing Bonds - WYG
Continuing Relationships
Thinking About Continuing Bonds | Psychology Today

[DWS]

I thought I'd share this odd connection with Tom that I've noticed over the weeks. Included in all of the gifts that he gave me on our first Christmas together was a large scented candle. He liked the scent of it...mahogany teakwood...and had one just like it at his place. It definitely gives off a strong "manly" scent when it's lit but also smells great when you sniff it up close when it's not lit...but lately, that "un-lit" scent has drifted into the air at occasional moments when I'm not expecting it. 

I first noticed it a few weeks ago when I got myself comfy in my wingback and opened the first pages of the book "It's OK That You're Not OK". It was a cold evening outside. I needed the comfort and warmth of the chair and the book and strangely, the unexpected scent of the candle comforted me more. It immediately made me feel Tom's presence. Since then, I've been aware of that scent at certain key moments but the weird thing is that the scent of this candle isn't always in the air. Like right now as I write this comment, I'm not smelling it. 

This weirdness was really noticeable yesterday when I forced myself out for a half hour drive to a friend's house. I had mentioned to him how much I miss the long walks that Tom and I used to have and how difficult it is to do any walks without him right now along the familiar streets full of memories. Going for a long walk on unfamiliar paths from my friend's place seemed like a good way to conquer this hurdle...so that's what I finally did yesterday. We went for a good hour's long walk and I stayed for dinner. It was the longest time that I've spent away from the comfort of my house. And bizarrely, when I was home and back at my computer sitting in my "Frank Barone pants" as Tom jokingly called them, suddenly the scent of that candle overwhelmed me. This was the first time that I'd smelled it in a couple of weeks. It was as if Tom was telling me that he was glad that I made the effort of getting out. 

This is all kind of strange for me as I'm not much of a believer in this stuff but if there's some sort of science to explain this, I don't want to know. I'm kind of lost in the magic of this candle connection!

[foreverhis]

This isn't exactly on topic, but I think it's close.  As the early years have unfolded, I talk to John out loud less often, but he's always in my thoughts.  Right now tears are streaming because of how true this statement is.  I read it today on FB while scrolling through to check our daughter's page.

My mind still talks to you.

My heart still looks for you.

But my soul knows you’re at peace.

I miss you every single day.

 

[LMR]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

 

My mind still talks to you.

My heart still looks for you.

But my soul knows you’re at peace.

I miss you every single day.

 

That is so beautiful and so true. I am in tears too.

 

[foreverhis]

On 5/7/2022 at 4:10 PM, widower2 said:

I don't know if it was because maybe they were still a little warm

Well, two dogs in my life (one gone to the Rainbow Bridge, one who visits now) absolutely love warm laundry.  I learned never to put a load of laundry from the dryer on the sofa or recliners.  No sooner would I turn my back, but there would be a dog tunneling in and then looking out to say, "Thanks, mom."

I think it's so sweet that you still say, "there you go, bud" when putting on fresh bed linens. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, DWS said:

if there's some sort of science to explain this, I don't want to know. I'm kind of lost in the magic of this candle connection!

Everything doesn't have to be explained away, some connections are just so deep...even beyond science.

[Goforth860]

I have talked to John a cpl times. I have wanted to talk with him everyday. But now I can only talk TO him. There will never be a conversation between us. I have been trying to read again. I have several books from the library that have sat on my bookshelf since the middle of Feb because when he passed my mind just won't stop or be still long enough to keep track of what's going on in the book. I have a short attention span anyway and have watched the same movie since he died. Just something in the background.  If I get up a million times when I do come back to my room I know where I am and don't have to rewind it. Shawshank Redemption. Great movie. I did finish reading the book I was on when he died one night.  I saw him get up and go to the bathroom 3 different times. I know it wasn't him but the essence of him. I knew what he was saying.  "You still reading? That book must be good. You going to finish it before daybreak". That's the closest thing to a dialog I've had with him.  I haven't been able to read anything since. I want him back. I have told him that I miss him and I wished he was still here. I've told him how sorry I was for the argument we were having and how much I love him. I also think that ppl don't know if you're talking to someone on the phone (ear buds) or if you're talking to yourself. It really doesn't matter. If it helps you to have a 10 min conversation with them then do it. I just haven't been able to say much. 

[KayC]

27 minutes ago, Goforth860 said:

But now I can only talk TO him.

Yes, but you know him.  You likely have a good idea what he'd say back.  Hear that in your mind.  (((hugs)))