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"Talking" to our lost one


widower2

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On 6/19/2022 at 4:05 AM, foreverhis said:

Well, two dogs in my life (one gone to the Rainbow Bridge, one who visits now) absolutely love warm laundry.  I learned never to put a load of laundry from the dryer on the sofa or recliners.  No sooner would I turn my back, but there would be a dog tunneling in and then looking out to say, "Thanks, mom."

I think it's so sweet that you still say, "there you go, bud" when putting on fresh bed linens. 

lol @ the dogs on the laundry, love it. Thanks for the kind words...sweet maybe but a little nutty too...great I've turned into a Snickers bar :)

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A lot of cats die in the dryer if door left open and then started, they, too, love the warmth.  Never leave unattended!  If you don't mind a little fur, they also love laundry baskets with warm towels/clothes in it! 

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

great I've turned into a Snickers bar :)

:D  At least one with a sense of humor!

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MaddHollander

I visit my wife’s grave often and talk to her each visit. I keep a note pad handy so I remember the many things that I want to say; neighborhood news, about a movie I watched, a memory that popped up and current events. Sometimes I will walk the 3/4 mile to her parents’ graves and on the way to and from I’ll see and hear others talking away to their lost loved ones as well. It was good to discover that I was not the only one.

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On 6/18/2022 at 1:04 PM, DWS said:

I thought I'd share this odd connection with Tom that I've noticed over the weeks. Included in all of the gifts that he gave me on our first Christmas together was a large scented candle. He liked the scent of it...mahogany teakwood...and had one just like it at his place. It definitely gives off a strong "manly" scent when it's lit but also smells great when you sniff it up close when it's not lit...but lately, that "un-lit" scent has drifted into the air at occasional moments when I'm not expecting it. 

After weeks of not smelling the candle scent, it's been giving off lots in this past hour after I got home from a visit with a friend. It's so comforting. I liked how my grief counselor put it...perhaps it's your partner's energy or spirit passing by the candle each time you get a whiff of the scent. At one point, I had tears in my eyes and asked "are you here tonight?"

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Thanks for the article KayC - a useful read. I’ve made a note. The signs and connections I’ve felt from my husband in the after life although not often, have definitely given me comfort & energy where I might have been sad and low that day.

I do talk to my husband, although not full conversations. I would say I’m home now babes or bubs/bubba. I would say good morning when I look at his picture. I would tell him when I’m going to visit his dad or mum & say I miss him and love him. I would also update him on his football team. I might try fuller conversations I live by myself so no one around to think I’m mad. Lol.

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I have been seeing and hearing him so much lately. It's so hard being here without him. All alone. I still cry a lot. It just comes and there's no stopping it. I wrote him a letter. Per advice from April.There was so much I wanted to say to him. I cried deeply while reading him the letter I'd wrote. I just dont know what to do. I feel like it's never enough.  Nothing besides him being back here with me will ever be enough. I've read 2 books and I've got 3 books left to finish out of the series.  Then I'm going to start on the 15 or so books I've bought to help me with everything I've been living through. I've bought books on grief  PTSD and trauma. Just all kinds of "self help" books. I need to be able to come to terms with things. All the grief I've been through in my life from a very young age. The warfare I've lived through in my years. John helped me with things. He helped me through a lot of things. If it wasn't for him I'd still be jumping at the drop of a pin. I'd still be having to sleep with the lights on. Or you couldn't touch me without me swinging at or in the direction of whoever touched me. I'm thankful that I had the blessing of having him. But that blessing seems to me to have been taken away way too prematurely.

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4 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I would say I’m home now babes or bubs/bubba.

Aww...so sweet and endearing.  It's those things we really miss. :wub:

1 minute ago, Goforth860 said:

I'm thankful that I had the blessing of having him. But that blessing seems to me to have been taken away way too prematurely.

(((hugs)))

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Janet, it's common to feel as you are in early grief, we make our way through this and forgive them their foibles and realize we love the whole of the person, not just the part and it's the whole that we remember going forward.  You are so early in your journey, it's a wonder you can think at all.:wub:            

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amanda martinez

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago to a Cardiac Arrest and I have talked to him all day. 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  Welcome here, it helps to post as it processes our grief.   I hope you'll continue coming here, I've been on grief sites for over 18 years, since I lost my hustband on Father's Day 2005.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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53 minutes ago, Sim7079 said:

Today is our wedding anniversary

Thinking of you as you remember...our wedding was the happiest day of my life, along with having my kids.

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I remember the "gotcha" look on his face as we were pronounced husband and wife!  We'd felt something would stop it, and it was such a relief when it happened!

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