What do I do without him?

[unmukt]

Hello all, since the last few days i have been feeling so low, so depressed. Everytime i feel like why were we deprived of living the life that we dreamt of. It's just when you have your person, your soulmate around you just know. You are connected in each and every way possible. Life doesn't seem to make sense when the only person you love so so much is taken away. I try to post comments under everyone's posts but i feel so broken ,even offering words of solace seems so hard for me, hence i came out here to post. I want to scream out loud . I miss him so much. I also cry for his dreams. He was taken at 25! That's just not fair . We had just started dreaming, living. And we dreamt together, we helped each other achieve. And he was an angel so talented in everything he did. He was such a great artist, he would always talk of going around the world and making a home with me. He dreamt of marrying me, proposing me and with him each day i felt I was more in love than the previous day. We met when we were 20 , after that life became a fairy tale. In these 4-5 years we have been there for each other every minute and second of the day. I am also scared to think that what if I have a long life ahead. How shall I keep on living without him? We were in a way just two kids in so much love and now i feel the other part of my soul is snatched away so early, so suddenly. I mourn our dreams, his dreams , his love. I pray i get to join him soon..it's so hard when all i had was our love . 

[Anon. T]

I know how you feel unfortunately, everything you said sounds like everything I'm going through right now. The love of my life passed when she was 24 years old and was ready to finally live life to the fullest under her terms but never got the chance. I'm a year and a half into this and I am still struggling with this. The future seems very dark right now because she was going to be a big part of it. My advice to you is to take everything one day at a time because looking out into the future can be very painful because our loves won't be in it :/. Just give yourself as much time as you need to heal. If you need people to talk to you have a lot of people here to talk to; which is good because a lot of people in our lives won't understand this pain and some might not have the right words to give you. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Gagarina Nath said:

Life doesn't seem to make sense when the only person you love so so much is taken away. I try to post comments under everyone's posts but i feel so broken ,even offering words of solace seems so hard for me,

Gagarina Nath:  I am very sorry for your loss and the pain you have. It's a terrible pain. I know, because I recently lost my husband. I don't think the pain will ever fully go away but from what I read from others on the site, the pain does lessen and become more manageable. But from what I also read, it takes a long time before it gets to that point. Maybe a few years. Since my husband and I married late in life (I'm 57) I do not want to remarry. I do however, have some ideas of things I want to do to honor my husband. I also want to just think of myself now. I know you are young but maybe that is what you should try....to just think of yourself and your own ideas. Maybe you can let your loved one's memory guide you. But I wouldn't think of what you are "suppose" to do but rather, think of how you feel and what you can do about it or with it. Meanwhile, don't feel like you have to post under everyone's comments, only if you are really up to it. All of us on here know that we feel differently from day to day and even from hour to hour. If you want to post, then post, If it's too much for you, then don't. But if you need to cry out for help, we are here.   

[Gail 8588]

Gagarina Nath, 

I am so very sorry for your loss. You are right, it is terribly unfair that you two were not able to live out your dreams together. 

Some of your friends and family may not understand the depth of your grief if they have never suffered such a loss.  Here, we understand that losing your soulmate, that one person who made you complete, is totally life shattering. We get it because our lives have been shattered too. 

We all have different circumstances, some of us were married for decades, some just starting life together, some of us have children, some don't, there are so many different variables.  But surprisingly, the immense pain of our grief is remarkably similar. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us here, but I hope you will find some comfort in seeing you are not alone. We will provide what comfort we can as we all trod down this painful path of grief. 

Gail

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, and also Anon. T, this is the hardest thing I've ever been through, bar none, and that says a lot.  It takes much time to process our grief to see any daylight but eventually we adjust to even the unthinkable...this.  Meanwhile, keep pouring your heart out, vent, cry, scream, whatever you need to do, we're here, we're listening...been there.

[unmukt]

Hi Anon, i am so sorry for your loss.. thank you for your words . I feel like I have no hopes left, i am grieving not only the loss of the love of my life, but also his dreams and all those that he could have been, all things that he wanted to be, everything that we had. I wish all these were a very bad dream and i wake up and go back to the week before his diagnosis. I am taking one day at a time but even minute little things remind me of our dreams and whatever we could have been..it's very hard 

10 hours ago, Anon. T said:

I know how you feel unfortunately, everything you said sounds like everything I'm going through right now. The love of my life passed when she was 24 years old and was ready to finally live life to the fullest under her terms but never got the chance. I'm a year and a half into this and I am still struggling with this. The future seems very dark right now because she was going to be a big part of it. My advice to you is to take everything one day at a time because looking out into the future can be very painful because our loves won't be in it :/. Just give yourself as much time as you need to heal. If you need people to talk to you have a lot of people here to talk to; which is good because a lot of people in our lives won't understand this pain and some might not have the right words to give you. 

 

[unmukt]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

Gagarina Nath:  I am very sorry for your loss and the pain you have. It's a terrible pain. I know, because I recently lost my husband. I don't think the pain will ever fully go away but from what I read from others on the site, the pain does lessen and become more manageable. But from what I also read, it takes a long time before it gets to that point. Maybe a few years. Since my husband and I married late in life (I'm 57) I do not want to remarry. I do however, have some ideas of things I want to do to honor my husband. I also want to just think of myself now. I know you are young but maybe that is what you should try....to just think of yourself and your own ideas. Maybe you can let your loved one's memory guide you. But I wouldn't think of what you are "suppose" to do but rather, think of how you feel and what you can do about it or with it. Meanwhile, don't feel like you have to post under everyone's comments, only if you are really up to it. All of us on here know that we feel differently from day to day and even from hour to hour. If you want to post, then post, If it's too much for you, then don't. But if you need to cry out for help, we are here.   

Thank you so much for your response..for me it just feels like I am left all alone in the midst of a journey we began together. He was my strength, my hope. I don't know what and how to think ahead. I am trying to live everyday but i can't pass a moment where i don't think how he didn't deserve this fate, how i could save him somehow, i keep thinking of a way to somehow make him have his dreams come true. People ask me to fulfill his dreams for him, but it's not the same thing..he won't get to live through so many moments that he wanted to..he had a bucket list and i cry each day for the death of his hopes and wishes.. i also cry for our dreams . I don't know how to accept this fate when it doesn't make any sense at all

[Canadagirl81]

You aren’t alone sweetie. You are loved. 

[Steve79]

Gagarina Nath

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Your pain drips off the screen, and though my own heart is currently wounded, there's enough of it left to go out to you. It really does.

It's undoubtedly tough.

You know what shines through your posts? Your primary care and concern is that he couldn't live his dreams. You truly love him. It shows. I hope you realise how you've just restored some of my faith in humans. Thank you. 

Perhaps focus on that, because so many people go to the grave having never been truly loved. He was, by you, and that's remarkable. That's a poignant dream many of us have, yet never experience. But he did, because of you.

And because you truly loved him, that means you fundamentally love yourself, because you can't love another if you don't first have love in your heart for yourself. That's a positive and powerful insight, and can be used as a powerful tool for you to heal.

Allow yourself to grieve. It's still far too raw. You need more time. We're here for you during that. You can't "move on" just yet. We get that. Grief has a mind and timeline of its own. But when the time comes, which I promise you it will, use the power of love in your heart to move yourself forward. I've got faith in you to do that.

[Anon. T]

2 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

Hi Anon, i am so sorry for your loss.. thank you for your words . I feel like I have no hopes left, i am grieving not only the loss of the love of my life, but also his dreams and all those that he could have been, all things that he wanted to be, everything that we had. I wish all these were a very bad dream and i wake up and go back to the week before his diagnosis. I am taking one day at a time but even minute little things remind me of our dreams and whatever we could have been..it's very hard 

 

I understand how you feel, even though sometime has passed it still hurts. I'm honestly just walking in the dark looking for something to give me a spark in my life to get me going but it is hard. I wish we all had the option to go back in time and save our loved maybe even spend a little time with our loved ones. The reminders and memories will always be there but with time you can move with those memories and dreams and not be crippled by it. Just move at your own time and no one else's. I'm very sorry again

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Steve79 said:

Your primary care and concern is that he couldn't live his dreams

It will be enough for him to see YOU making it through this...you are amazing, praying for your continued resiliency and strength. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Gagarina Nath Checking in on you hon......

[unmukt]

On 3/23/2022 at 10:46 PM, Steve79 said:

Gagarina Nath

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Your pain drips off the screen, and though my own heart is currently wounded, there's enough of it left to go out to you. It really does.

It's undoubtedly tough.

You know what shines through your posts? Your primary care and concern is that he couldn't live his dreams. You truly love him. It shows. I hope you realise how you've just restored some of my faith in humans. Thank you. 

Perhaps focus on that, because so many people go to the grave having never been truly loved. He was, by you, and that's remarkable. That's a poignant dream many of us have, yet never experience. But he did, because of you.

And because you truly loved him, that means you fundamentally love yourself, because you can't love another if you don't first have love in your heart for yourself. That's a positive and powerful insight, and can be used as a powerful tool for you to heal.

Allow yourself to grieve. It's still far too raw. You need more time. We're here for you during that. You can't "move on" just yet. We get that. Grief has a mind and timeline of its own. But when the time comes, which I promise you it will, use the power of love in your heart to move yourself forward. I've got faith in you to do that.

Hello Steve, Thank you so much for your kind and powerful words., I even shared your words with his brother who felt grateful too..yes, i think the fact that we were fortunate to have experienced so much love is beautiful in itself. I am not thinking of ' moving on ' ever ..i just want to keep him with me as long as I stay.. everything feels like an aftermath of a sudden seperation. I feel like my life has ended with his, and now just remains some broken bits which I gather every day in pain. And also i am afraid of a probable long life ahead, if only I could join him early .

[unmukt]

14 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@Gagarina Nath Checking in on you hon......

Hi Laura, I am hanging in there, i just wrote a piece of note for him , for an exhibition that people are making to exhibit his artworks. I want to speak of hope but my greatest ray of hope is not there with me..it's a slow realisation that he's maybe not around. I don't accept yet that he's gone. I feel he's with me , just somewhere a bit away. That feels like the truth. Everytime i see his things , clothes, it brings me a sudden jolt that his physical presence is missing and that pains so much. I have not yet accepted and i feel i never can. I want to live in this belief of him being around me and continue my love for him forever. I get sacred of thinking about a probable longer life ahead..i never imagined we would be parted so suddenly so early, in the midst of just creating a home together. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

i just want to keep him with me as long as I stay.. everything feels like an aftermath of a sudden seperation. I feel like my life has ended with his, and now just remains some broken bits which I gather every day in pain. And also i am afraid of a probable long life ahead

Exactly as I felt, now I take life as it comes, hoping to stay around as long as my puppy lives so he doesn't have to go through this pain/grief and get rehomed, he's very attached to me.  So you might say, he keeps me going, literally.  Not that I'd do anything but the will to live may factor in.

[unmukt]

How do I keep my will to live? I don't want to live anymore. I want to go. But i am just here since everyone says I won't meet him if i go like this. But a life without him seems so impossible. I don't get to see him, laugh with him , hug him. There's no one i can talk to. We were a little family and i am all alone. 

[Gail 8588]

Gagarina Nath,

It is so hard at the beginning.  The pain is so great.  

I remember feeling like life without my love was impossible.  The world made no sense.  How can it be that he is gone and I am here? We were one complete unit.  I can't be without him.

All I can tell you is don't try to make sense of it now. Just breathe. Just do the things you have to do today.  Don't think about tomorrow or next week or next year. They are all unimaginable right now.  

Cry when you need to cry, take comfort from what gives you comfort, and try to take care of yourself physically. Eat some nutritious food, try to sleep, go for walks, be around people or pets that will give you love and support. 

The intensity of your pain will ease with time, evolve into something you can bear.  For now you just need to breathe through it. Let the waves of grief wash over you. Tell yourself, I can get through today. 

Hugs

Gail

[Canadagirl81]

@Gagarina Nath I have felt what you have. I feel it often actually. Wanting to go be with Glenn....but I know in my heart he would be devastated that I didn't live my life. He didn't get to live any longer and I am still here. Just as you are still here. Go on for him....go on with him. I know the pain is unbearable, we are all with you in it hon.....give yourself time. Just as Gail said above....just breathe through it. Sleep when you need to sleep. Scream when you need to scream. Hang on for him. He's right with you. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

How do I keep my will to live

I know it takes time to find that will, much time, try to keep in mind you don't want to do that to those who love you.  Hold on, tell yourself you'll do today.  That's how I've had to do it.  My puppy literally gives me the will to go on, I don't know what I'd do w/o him, I try to give him the best life that I can.

[RN-Nix]

@Gagarina Nathhey there. I hope today is a better day for you.  I wanted to see and be with my love so bad but how would that happen? It's extremely painful to go on without him. The thing is we don't know "how" to go on without the person who made our lives brighter besides opening our eyes everyday. As hard as it is you have to fight to be here for his sake.  We have to push through the pain and THAT is very difficult to do. We don't know the hour or the day when we will leave this earth. We just have to do our best and lean on each other. 

 

[Anon. T]

On 3/25/2022 at 3:45 PM, Gagarina Nath said:

How do I keep my will to live? I don't want to live anymore. I want to go. But i am just here since everyone says I won't meet him if i go like this. But a life without him seems so impossible. I don't get to see him, laugh with him , hug him. There's no one i can talk to. We were a little family and i am all alone. 

I ask myself that question a lot, even after all this time. I just know that my girlfriend would be upset with me if I did that; even if would be reunited again forever. So I just try to picture what she would want. I've seen what my girlfriend's death has done to her family and our mutual friends it's like a nightmare...no one is the same. I know it sounds redundant but just keep trying one day at a time slowly. If you want to cry then cry, sleep the day away then do it. If you can try to find a good grief specialist because after 2 or 3 weeks friends and family kind of go distant. WE WILL BE HERE FOR YOU THOUGH ❤️. 

[unmukt]

This pain i am going through is too much every day. There's no one who understands..i can't talk to his family since they are already in so much pain. .i have few friends but they don't understand the gravity of my pain. It's not a pain which just exists on the surface of day to day life. I carry so much weight in every moment. His absence makes me mad. I want to go out in the roads looking for him in different places that we have been before. And everyday it is a battle to just be here. I don't know how I would keep going if i have to live longer like this

[Jemiga70]

@Gagarina Nath  Please come here and keep reading, posting, sending virtual hugs or whatever it takes to find some comfort. There are beautiful, articulate souls here who do empathise. This forum has been my salvation in a way, even though I don't post much. Your grief is so fresh. I remember feeling much the same when I was at your point in time. I can relate when you talk of being mad and how "everyday is a battle to just be here."  I get it. I'm so sorry you're in such pain.  I'm also sorry I can't offer more words of support or something more profound; I'm still in the fog of grief myself (today there came a big nasty wave) and half the time my brain feels like it's firing on 1 cylinder.  I send you my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.

[RN-Nix]

@Gagarina Nathi understand your pain.  I think we all do. I did and still do the same as you...looking for him.  I cried my eyes out so much even thinking I was heading to my own  demise. I've lost weight and people who don't understand comments. I don't communicate with his family they have their own issues and sorrow. This group is the only support I have . The words you have written and others I have felt. Sunday nights I don't sleep it's pure torture because I'm up at 130 am tossing and I have to wake up at 5 to commute to work.  It's torture.  Pure torture but please vent on here as much as you need.  I wish I could bring our loved 9nes back because I feel your pain.  Please hang in there 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

I want to go out in the roads looking for him in different places

I DID look for my husband!  I don't know what I expected, like he was hiding somewhere?  It need make no sense, but that's how grief is.  It took that for me to grasp, he's really not here.  The fact I saw his cold rigid body in the hospital and SAW that he was not there, still it was hard to comprehend!  I looked for him all over the house, his shop, our property.  Nope, not there either.  I still have his hat hanging on a hook....17 years almost...maybe it's marking his spot?  Saying this is still his home should he come back?  Our minds can be weird in grief.  It needn't make sense, it just is.

This is an ever evolving journey, your pain won't be as intense on down the road, but meanwhile, damned if it's not hard to suffer through!

[unmukt]

Yes this is the only place I come back to write down my pain. Some times it feels like a piercing pain, sometimes a gentle stroke of ache. But there's a constant weight. I just love him so so so much, this love is the only thing I have. I feel blessed he too loved me with his all. I had every thing in the world when i had him. This life is so cruel to take away the one person i love so much, my most beautiful part of this life. Wish I could have him back with so much of tears and begging. Wish I could give a part of me and have him back. I feel so desperate at times. I still can't accept that this thing has happened to us, i still am not able to understand what really has happened that I can't see him or hear him. Please tell me i shall meet him again.

[RN-Nix]

@Gagarina NathI wish I could give you a hug. What we would do just to have our loved one back. I had someone who NEVER had to say "I love you " BUT I FELT every ounce of his love . How and where do I find that again???? I too have BEGGED to have him back. More times than not it just feels UNREAL.  I try not to get too spiritual on here but that is the only way that I can speak with conviction and reassurance that I will see him again.  Whom ever your "higher being is" or whatever your faith is , you're going to have to pull from that.  After he died the only thing I wanted to read was stuff on the after life,  I would read things from other cultures to see were there any correlation in beliefs.  I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a Christian and I truly believe I will meet him again . His departure has left an emptiness  that I've never felt before. He told me that he questioned why we were connecting at this time but there has to be a continuation of what we were building. The one person that is so calm and patient and loving is gone and it's super difficult to go on. My joy is gone I'm really just existing now. There's a book called The Soul's Code by James Hillman. Try to read it. It's a slow read for me but it makes sense.  I can't take your pain away but your Grief is not falling on deaf ears . 

[Canadagirl81]

@Gagarina Nath You shall see him and be with him again, I feel it with all I am. For now I am loving myself the way Glenn loved me, unconditionally. All the love we could ever need is already inside of ourselves. It's been there all along.  External love is just a bonus and I know I am so lucky that I got to experience it.  I know you are too.  Our angels were beautiful bonuses that we got to share our lives with and for that I know I am forever grateful. 
You aren't alone in this.  xoxoxo Sending you all my love. 

[Geri22]

My heart goes out to you.  His life was cut too short along with both of your futures.  I wish I had words to comfort you in these dark times but my thoughts are with you. I am still too new to this to give you a sage advise.  Just know that I feel your pain.   Stay strong and well.  

[KMkm]

Everything will seem overwhelmingly painful.  I'm sorry you have to endure grief and lose your love.  There is a lot of advice and suggestions that may or may not help.  The journey of grief is ours to endure which means your mind will find what works and doesn't to numb the pain a little.  Your love was very strong and it has turned to grief.  At first nothing helps, believe me when I say that it takes a few months to find what helps you get through the day.   Things do get better in time.  The suggestions you read have helped others in their journey and I have tried them all.  I talk to my in laws about their grief, and I see a counselor.  I also try to make myself do chores or tasks which take my mind off the grief.  You are correct that you have a long life ahead of you and your love will be there every step of the way watching and enjoying the things you do.  I do whatever works for me, you will get through this, you are strong and life has many ups and downs.  Just hang in there cause we all need you, we need good people to make this a better place.  Please ask for help, ask for advice, ask for guidance, read and post here, cry whenever you want like I do.  Do whatever you need to do so you can get through this.  Also eating right, sleeping when you can and getting outside to feel the sun, wind, and rain does help the mind and body with fighting grief.  My brain feels like it's being squeezed every second I'm awake.  I never believed I could endure this and three months has passed.  We are all here for you and so are many others.  I have many quotes if you ever need something to inspire you.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

Please tell me i shall meet him again.

See my signature line in all of my posts?  You WILL be with him again!  Trust, hope...believe...

[unmukt]

Thank you @RN-Nix, @Canadagirl81, @Geri22, @KMkm, @KayC. I am grateful for these words of solace..these weeks have turned out to be extremely painful for me..and i am so thankful to have this platform to speak out. People can be so insensitive even when they are caring as maybe they don't understand grief, i have to face suggestions from people who haven't suffered loss yet, i have been facing people saying that I have become so weak and thin and they ask me to get healthy, when the only thing I think of now is somehow getting through every hour..i feel so alone everyday. My pain goes unheard and not understood mostly. I just talk to my angel and feel his words of comfort. Recently I have begun to sense so much anger for everyone..i have read it's a phase of grief but still it feels unbearable. I am so angry at our fate. I also feel so much pain seeing other couples walk hand in hand . Sometimes I feel happy for them, at other times I get so hurt, angry and just plain sad. I wish I could care more for him. I break down at the littlest of triggers. I went to a supermarket and i remembered buying chocolates for him every day. I just broke down. Ended up buying the chocolates only to keep them beside me hoping he would come to take those. Maybe i am just venting my sorrows here but that's the only thing which I can do. May God keep my baby happy and safe wherever he is.

[Canadagirl81]

@Gagarina Nath I was doing so well this morning. Actually felt optimistic for the future. I started reaching out to my old boss, some of my recruiter friends in NYC to get the ball rolling on where it is I may be moving to next. Then...for some reason...I decided to look through Glenn's phone at all of his pictures and videos. BIG MISTAKE. While I looked, I laughed, smiled and got lost in them but then the reality hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been sobbing for 20+ minutes. Hating everything, cursing "God" and wanting to make a deal with the devil (if there even is one) to bring him back. I don't know how we will do this, I truly don't. I want to just disappear. I just want to be where he is. I don't know what to do but all I can do is feel this and hope it passes soon. I'm raw and ripped right open. 

[unmukt]

It's just so hopeless yet we go on. We live on for our love , since we get to carry so much of them within us. I am so glad you brought Glenn to us. You carry him in so much pride. I know the reality is so painful, no words can ever comfort a grieving heart and there's no way out of this apart from just going straight through. You have always hold me up in my worse moments dear. I know life feels so meaningless but i sense you are so amazing in your own way. I love your heart so please carry on for all of us.I wish there was an easy way to end this pain but i guess there isn't one. It's plain sad and hopeless and so hard , i feel the weight almost all the time but i even don't want to let this pain go since it is my love. I wish somehow i could find my baby again for just one last moment. I wish I could run away and bring him back. I am just hugging you right now..

[Canadagirl81]

Thank you @Gagarina Nath I just want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice talking back to me. I know you know how I feel. Thank you.....I'm really hurting. I think I may need to call a helpline. 

[unmukt]

I know how you feel dear. Please do call a helpline if you feel the need. I love you here from this other side of the world and just know how special you must be to make this happen. Take care of yourself today, go easy. Tomorrow might be a better sunrise. Sending love. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Gagarina Nath I love you too. I finally stopped crying, just doing some deep breathing now. 

[KMkm]

I don't think I will ever be ok.  That thought is always in our minds.  The truth is that we will be but in a different way.  Think of grief like any other pain you have felt.  For me it was unbearable for the first few months, but like some pain it is easier to take after time goes by.   I also tried making every deal possible to have my wife back.  My counselor says that losing a spouse or partner is the worst kind of grief.  Maybe not in its intensity but that it changes every aspect of your life which in turn makes it very difficult to deal with.  No one can take the pain away and it will seem like you don't want to be here. We all care about each other on here so know you have friends.  We all know grief and can be a good outlet where you can be honest and say anything you want.  I hope you have some better days ahead and please don't give up.   

[RN-Nix]

@Canadagirl81awwww honey I just got home from work and saw your meltdown. Your post started off so optimistic about relocating and then the bottom fell out. Remember we are on a roller coaster ride. We get to the top slowly and can finally see some sunlight. That climb to get there was very slow only to now dip to the bottom and your emotions are all over the place . I wished I could just give you a big big hug. I try my best not to "study" our photos too hard because in a matter of seconds it can take me to that dark place and I'm not strong enough to "be there ". ..not yet ...not again...! The crying I did day in and day out after his passing was taking me to my demise. Switching jobs saved me I NEEDED that change, something else to focus on. You are not alone sis!!!!!! Remember to look for the signs that he sends you. When you are breaking down you know he is there. It's easier said than done. You don't have to make any deals with the devil. The devil/Satan or whatever the other names are knows when to attack us at our weakness and knows  how to keep us in the dark with depression BUT I have FAITH that we will get through this. I have faith that we will see our loved ones again. I want you to start believing.  Cry your eyes out..it's ok. ITS PAINFUL for me too. I'm so lonely.  I was going crazy. I was loosing my mind but knowing that I'm not alone on this journey because you all are going through the same thing gives me strength . Please take it 1 hour at a time.. continue to keep yourself occupied esp during the day that will help. I'm here for you. 

[unmukt]

Even looking at his pictures , clothes and things are making me break down. I wish he sends me another sign to go on today. His peers from college arranged an exhibition in memory of his art yesterday. I saw the pictures and videos and it's so painful. Wish he was here wish he was here. Wish he got the chance to go on for his dreams. I wish so much for him . I want to take care of him again, share stuff, walk together.

[RN-Nix]

@Gagarina Nathgood morning that exhibit is so awesome. What I find a lot of times is when I'm down,  on the verge of tears, crying or thinking about him , something pops up and serves as a reminder to tell me he is present. It may be as simple as seeing the car he drove or one of his best friends reaching out to me. Deep down those signs come at a time when I'm feeling low to say hey I see you ,I'm here don't be sad. One week I was loosing my mind. I could sense that he knew because our souls were connected, by Saturday my phone rang and it was his best friend our of no where calling to say how much his friend loved me and he was so excited that he found my love before he passed away .he even sent his friend a picture of us. His best friend was soooo excited while he was telling me that.  His voice was animated . I KNEW without a doubt that it was meant for him to call me TO RELAY that message to me . He used his friend to get through to me and a sense of calm came over me. I calmed my mind and took a hot bath and replayed our conversation over and over . My love wanted me to know that he knew I was having a hard time but he wanted me to know that he he loved me. Look for the signs they are there. Sending you hugs today .

[unmukt]

Wow thank you for this. I also have had similar experiences..i completely resonate with little things popping all out of sudden and i keep looking for signs..these days have been so hard and yesterday all of a sudden, the psychic uncle i visited called me, reminding me to take care of myself and not feel broken down. I feel so weak these days..and he also appeared in our common friend's dream asking him to look after me. I guess he knows everytime i break down and wants to let me know he is right here. I hope he is here by my side. If i think of living without him, i go mad. I just can't never live without him around me.

[KMkm]

Remember to take care of yourself.  I didn't want to at first and it's hard to want to.  I would go three or four days without eating or drinking water.  I would feel worse but I decided to make an effort.  When I ate and my body had the energy it made the grief a little more tolerable.  The grief is always present and it's hard to focus on anything.  Little things like exercise, going for a walk, working on a project, anything that gives you even a few minutes will give you a break from the feeling.  His artwork is amazing and reminds me of my wife.  She did all types of art but her favorite was canvas and glass painting.  He will always be beside you and will share everything.  I belive my wife is here and probably hates that I haven't been happy since she passed, I also cry a lot.  But I promised her that I would live life and tske care of our kids.  Stay strong and punch grief in the face for me, I've tried but it just dodges and gives me a wedgie.   

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I've been sobbing for 20+ minutes

I'm sorry...I hope you feel our collective hugs....

16 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

Recently I have begun to sense so much anger for everyone

Anger stage
Anger & Jealousy in Grief
Anger at God
Anger One of the Stages of Grief?
Apologizing for Expressing the Anger of Grief

 

14 hours ago, KMkm said:

I don't think I will ever be ok.

You will not always feel this intense right now, eventually we adjust to the changes it means for our lives, although we don't like it and aren't "okay" with what happened, and never "get over it."  It amazes me we can adjust, it takes much much time but it comes eventually unless we fight it.  Some do, thinking their grief keeps them close to their loved one, no! You can still love them but allow yourself to heal, it's not our grief that holds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.

14 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

Switching jobs saved me I NEEDED that change, something else to focus on.

I was the opposite.  I lost my job after George died, everyone had been so great and I loved the job, my boss, my coworkers, but my new job I had to commute 100 miles/day, it paid less and I lost much $ to the commuting, and my boss was a buffoon and the coworkers never knew my husband or understood/cared about my loss.  I had to keep it to myself.

6 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

His peers from college arranged an exhibition in memory of his art yesterday.

That is so wonderful of them!  So neat to honor him in that way.  I am just so sorry you are missing him...we know, Hon.

3 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

Look for the signs they are there.

Yes, I'm glad you got that call from him.

 

[RN-Nix]

@Gagarina Nathhe is all around you!!! He will send messages through others just for you from him so listen intently to what they say to you. When I met my loves brother for the first time with his body laying just 2 feet away from us in the casket..his brother said to me " my brother didn't want to hurt your boys" "he knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in their lives " and I said wow this man doesn't even know my boys and the way he spoke those words was as if my love was saying it directly to me. So listen when someone speaks to you of or about him. There may be messages directed just for you. That message may be just what you need in that moment to bring you some peace. Sending continuous hugs to you .

[Anon. T]

@Gagarina Nath as cliché as it sounds he is with you and he is in many places like the beautiful photos. Sometimes I feel my girlfriend when certain problems occur in my life I can her say "don't do that, or do that" or even when something is ridiculous I can hear her say " that's so stupid!". Even when reading everyones post she tells me to try to participate. I can you still help his dream come true by showing his artwork as much as you can. I'm sure he want his work to be shown.

[Anon. T]

Photos are so hard, when I look at them I'm happy for a second because I'm projected into the past during the good times but then I'm brought back to the present and she isn't here; then I look into future which hurts even more. I tend to stay away from photos unfortunately.

[RN-Nix]

@Anon. Tphotos are extremely hard for me too for the exact reasons youve shared.  It's a reminder of what was, what isn't and most painful what will never be as long as we are here. 

[Anon. T]

@RN-Nix yup exactly that. My girlfriend's sister sent me a lot of my girlfriend's baby/ toddler photos and it beats me up internally looking at it because kids is something we would talk about. Those photos of her also kinda showed what the future could've looked like.

[RN-Nix]

@Anon. Twe mourn not only what we had but also what could have been. I guess that's why we are always told to live each day as if it were our last because it very well may be the last. We are not guaranteed to be "here" beyond the present. That's just how i see it. It's funny though ...we aren't promised tomorrow BUT spiritually speaking we are promised an everlasting life ....after here should we die...I feel like if we died today tomorrow will never come for us but the everlasting life where we are reunited with our loved ones will come. Just trying to make sense of things. Sending you a big hug. Hang in there