What do I do without him?

[unmukt]

I am so afraid to even think of the future ahead. I hope my love will always be there to guide me. I can't think of ever going on just a day without him. I feel him every time. I know i shall get to see him someday. We had just began this journey and we had a whole life ahead of us while he is snatched away from me so ruthlessly. We both are still in so much love, we both still look out for each other in different ways and someday I know i shall get to meet him, otherwise there's no hope for me to go since my dreams, my whole life is ripped apart. I hope our love will still thrive. I shall get to him. I believe it in my heart.

[RN-Nix]

@Gagarina Nathhey honey you WILL get to him when it's YOUR time and not a minute before. You were "sent" here for a purpose and you have to fulfill it. Weeks before my love passed away he had text me and said he didn't understand why we were connecting at this point and time in our lives ...in another message he said he thinks of the possibilities with me all the time and it makes him excited, nervous and afraid...perhaps afraid bc he knew he would eventually go but we never talked about that. So then I had to ask why was he taken from me???? Why couldn't we have more time ???? And I now realize that his purpose here was complete BUT I also feel that this love will be continued my inner intuition is never wrong but that's a different conversation...he would say "you're a deep person" and he loved our conversations. I know his end here although it was the beginning for us will continue....in reality I won't physically be with him here but continue to remain optimistic that he is with you. I saw my uncle in my dream who passed away over 30 years ago. He was youthful, clean shaven and rejuvenated. Why would I see him that way ???? He was not that way when he was alive....so perhaps that was again a sign ....a glimpse of what's on the other side . Stay encouraged.  Hugggggs

[Steve79]

I sincerely hope you were having a severe wave of grief when you wrote this, and that you have periods of calm in between. I'm very sorry to see you write with such anguish. It's a terrible, terrible state to be in, and I can feel it coming off the page. My heart goes out to you.

Are you seeing a bereavement counsellor? You sound as if you would benefit from one, because you're struggling very hard.

I know you won't believe this from this end of your grief, but life is not over, even though it seems as if it is right now. As your emotions changed into something so powerfully tragic, so they can change again into something triumphant and joyous. That's what your pain is: healing. It's like a painful swelling that protects a broken joint - it eventually subsides. You will get back onto your feet again. When you do, you will do so a very strong woman, with his love cementing your broken heart back to its whole.

Keep on posting. Get it all out. 

[unmukt]

Please tell me he's not gone anywhere away and is right here with me..

[Canadagirl81]

@Gagarina Nath You don't have to try and create any future in your mind at all right now, just take it minute by minute and love yourself through it. You know he's right with you energetically. He's holding you. He's loving you. I wish I could hug you so much right now. 

[unmukt]

Yesterday was a day of extreme pain for me. Couldn't stop crying the entire day. Excessive crying gave me too much anxiety too. Actually on days when we were not together, we would be on the phone connected, even while we slept. I couldn't sleep without listening to his breathing. And if not on phone, we stayed connected through texting. Used to text him every little thing. I feel so alone right now...i want to say so many things to him, i want to share but i have to speak in my mind..it gets so hard to endure . Yesterday I couldn't bear . I just hope i get through today.. i am a little too much vulnerable now ..even the littlest of things are triggering me.. thank you all for being here and listening . The server move didn't allow me to post yesterday, that might be another reason why I felt so overwhelmed

[KMkm]

It will be hard to deal with.  You need to try and allow yourself to remember him in a good way which will take time and I'm not there yet either.  Find things to occupy your time and mind.  I try to clean, bake, build things, etc.  Anything to give yourself a small break from the intense feeling of grief.  The pain hurts so much and tries to push you down but the strength you get by getting through each day helps to get through the next.  I know you must feel like you can't do this but you can.  I hate feeling like life doesn't matter, that I just don't care about anything.  I finally feel like I want to be happy again someday.  It has been almost 4 months for me to feel like this.  Also eat, drink water and exercise if and when you can. The better you equip your body to deal with it the better you feel.  Cry when you want to so your body releases some tension and stress.  Keep fighting and one day you will wake up and it will feel a little less horrible.  That's all the advice that anyone can offer.  Endure the pain and fight through it, take breaks cause fighting is hard and sadly it's a long road.  We are here for you.  One last thing is to listen but you don't have to take everyone's advice.  These things are what works for us and might be different for you.  I hope that you get to that day when you wake up and feel a little better.  Hope something I wrote helps in some way and if it didn't than just know I am really awful at this and maybe I'll get better.  

[unmukt]

Thank you dear. When i think of him, mostly i feel so sad. The first thoughts are how he didn't deserve whatever happened. I couldn't save him. There are days when i feel his presence and his love constantly. But on some days i am left with the feeling that i couldn't save him when we were each other's only hope

[Anon. T]

You are not alone. I do think that way every now and then when it comes to saving my girlfriend and it's been a year and a half. I can say that feeling does lessen a bit but the hurt is still there. I just recently moved back into the room me and her used to stay in and I feel her energy a lot and that kind of makes me sad because I want her here in the physical. I just wanted to write this to let you know you aren't alone. 

[Lan]

@Gagarina Nath I hope you’re feeling a little better these days. My boyfriend passed in January. It was sudden and I felt a lot of guilt and anguish…I’ve been working to find peace these past months. I also feel like my loved one is very much here and real and hope to see him again. Sending peace and hugs.

[KayC]

@Lan Welcome here, I haven't seen you before, you've found a caring place to be and we want to be here for you if you want us to.  I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief and also helps to know there's others that "get it" and understand and care.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Lan]

@KayC thank you so much. I do feel very alone in this journey and am glad to have found this group. It’s crazy that strangers with a shared pain can relate better to you than your friends or family. Thank you so much for being so supportive.

[KayC]

Our friends all disappeared overnight, but family cared...yet they didn't have a clue, except my mom and her relationship and grief vastly differed from my own (she came home from my dad's funeral and immediately started cleaning out his closet!).  Even she is gone now.  My sister lost her husband 1 1/2 years ago (15 1/2 years after I lost mine) but now even she is gone.  Lucky her.  It's those of us who are left hurting and have to deal with this indefinitely...

[RN-Nix]

@KayCwe all have that set date with death. Those of us left behind have to endure so much pain ....until our time comes. Trying to figure out how to deal with the pain, the emptiness,  the loneliness and everything that comes with it is the HARD part. My mother didn't want me to cry at the wake..she gave me the don't start look. I'm curious to see how she is going to be when her husband passes. I may look at her and give her the same look she gave me. I hate that we are all going through this BUT I guess it's a part of living . I'm always amazed at people who just continue on and some find a boyfriend right away and some remarry quickly and live the rest of their lives very happy.  Perhaps that's their way of coping....I don't know....

[Steve79]

1 hour ago, RN-Nix said:

I'm always amazed at people who just continue on and some find a boyfriend right away and some remarry quickly and live the rest of their lives very happy.  Perhaps that's their way of coping....I don't know....

I am too. It's quite phenomenal. A few years ago I used to work with someone who went home one night and found his wife dead at the bottom of the stairs. I don't know how she died, I just know it was obviously unexpected. He turned up for work the next day, and there wasn't the slightest hint anything was wrong. He grazed on his lunch, made jokes, continued with the small talk about all his petty frustrations with his job etc. I thought it was shock. But for the remainder of the time I worked there, he remained the same. Not the slightest whiff of grief inscribed into his face ever. I've shown more grief when my chocolate bar doesn't drop down properly in the vending machine and I lose my £1. I know there are people who grieve privately, but you still know there's something wrong in their lives. Surely there's no way a person can hide their grief that well? My only other explanation is that he didn't care. But even then, I'd have expected him to be at least a bit solemn for a while. 

[RN-Nix]

@Steve79the guy you  described probably lost his mind when he got home each night ...I'm certain or he suppressed it deep into his psyche but I believe that he was a wreck when he left work. His mind was probably in such a state of shock that his lack of public display of grief was his coping mechanism. There's no question that people handle grief differently. I'm tired of running errands and coming home to the sadness. I'm tired of crying, this is just too much. 

[Sparky1]

7 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

Trying to figure out how to deal with the pain, the emptiness,  the loneliness and everything that comes with it is the HARD part

I couldn't have explained my feelings any better than this. I think about these feelings every single day and like you said, until our time comes up.

I have a friend up north where my summer mobile home is and he is on his third woman in as many years. The third one had lost her husband maybe a couple of months before she hooked up with my friend. I can't wait to go up next month, he'll probably be on his 4th one. I still can't figure out how someone that is married and loves their partner so much can just brush it off and move on so fast. 

 

[RN-Nix]

@Sparky1it's not funny but you will have to bring the juicy gossip back and let us know if he moved on lol lol. Can't wait to hear. A friend of mine mother passed away a few years ago and her dad married someone else within 1 year of his wife's passing.  Her and her sister were very upset with him but he explained to her that he wanted that companionship. He had been married for so long that he needed to fill that hole in his heart.  They tolerate the new wife but they don't like her. If I had to compare I would say she is the total opposite of his late wife BUT I get it. He missed that companionship.  I really can't say I blame him. I understand. Life is not meant to be lived alone. On another note a female that I know pretty much said in so many words that she doesn't want to seem insensitive to my grief but so many people are dying that she just wants to live her life to the fullest and enjoy life. She likes to hang out and party. She doesn't want to get wrapped up in the sadness that comes with death. I thought to myself wait until it's your turn to look grief in the eye. Smh

[KayC]

21 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

I guess it's a part of living .

The older I get, the more loss, it's cumulative, you never stop missing them and yet yesterday is gone to us.  It's a hard pill to digest.

When my mom lost my dad she didn't cry at the funeral but I did.  I'm glad she didn't give me any kind of a look!  We all handle this our own way.  Some try to be stoic, some can't help being overcome with emotion.

I missed the memorial service of my long time friend yesterday, I called his widow last night, it was so hard to miss it, I tried my best but the snow kept coming and no matter how hard I shoveled, I couldn't keep up and no sign of a plow.

Today I'm not sure about making the long 6 hour round trip to my son's, I'm exhausted, my daughter texted last night that she hasn't been feeling well.  Haven't heard from my son.  

19 hours ago, Steve79 said:

Surely there's no way a person can hide their grief that well?

It doesn't mean they don't care, they could be trying to keep some semblance of normalcy in their life.  They don't know how to be.  They're numb and try to ignore it.  On my other grief site years ago I remember a man, married with children, it had been 20 years since he'd lost his fiance, he'd never grieved...you can't run from it, you can't hide from it forever, it finds you and catches you eventually...I'm sure his wife and children wondered what in the world when it finally did.  Best to allow our emotions.  Besides which it can affect us physically.

14 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I still can't figure out how someone that is married and loves their partner so much can just brush it off and move on so fast. 

They aren't really, it's there, buried within them, they're trying to rebuild their lives the wrong way, trying to drown out their sorrow from that empty feeling...

12 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

On another note a female that I know pretty much said in so many words that she doesn't want to seem insensitive to my grief but so many people are dying that she just wants to live her life to the fullest and enjoy life. She likes to hang out and party. She doesn't want to get wrapped up in the sadness that comes with death. I thought to myself wait until it's your turn to look grief in the eye. Smh

How nice for her!  (sarcasm)  Wow. So where did her empathy for YOU go?  When it happens to her she may be truly alone without support as her world crumbles before her eyes.  No "enjoying life while she can" then!

[RN-Nix]

@KayCmy mother is very stoic in her feelings...oh well...that's her not me. Please be careful shoveling all of that snow and stay safe!!!

[DWS]

16 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I still can't figure out how someone that is married and loves their partner so much can just brush it off and move on so fast. 

I wonder about that too. With a lot of men, there is still the long-held societal norm of them not being able to cope without a woman to take care of their basic living needs. But I think it's likely more to do with the difference between companionship vs bonded connection. I'm guessing that the loss of the person we so fortunately shared a bonded connection with instead of mere companionship is what lands the majority of us here to this website. 

[Sparky1]

15 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

it's not funny but you will have to bring the juicy gossip back and let us know if he moved on lol lol. Can't wait to hear

Oh yes, I'll post on how the situation is. This guy is close to my age, a bit younger maybe late 50s but he acts like a 20 year old party animal. That's why the women leave him.

[mktbutterfly]

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband was my soul mate as well. We had so many hopes, dreams and wishes that will now never come to pass. I wish I could say something to help you, but I just don't have the words. I just wanted you to know, that you are not alone in your feelings. Hugs

[RN-Nix]

@Sparky1lol @20 year old party animal . Thanks for the smile at 545am. I wished I was a party animal. Maybe I would be out partying my sorrows away. Smh. He is doing enough partying for all of us. This girl pretty much told me she's tired of all of this dying and wants to live out the rest of her days happy. I guess that's what we all hoped for........and then this .....jeez

[KayC]

22 hours ago, DWS said:

But I think it's likely more to do with the difference between companionship vs bonded connection.

That wasn't it with my parents, they very much had a love connection, but neither off them healthy (mentally, for each other, with her being mentally ill and him alcoholic, they could be like a vicious cycle).  It's like they both lacked coping skills and didn't get help for their issues.  Then my mom became religiously fanatical and I think my dad felt shut out, it changed the dynamic between them.  She was a very odd person.

Sometimes I think these posts need a WOW emoticon!  Sometimes laugh, like, hugs, sad doesn't fit!

[Sparky1]

13 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

I wished I was a party animal. Maybe I would be out partying my sorrows away. Smh. He is doing enough partying for all of us

Oh yes. He is always inviting me over for a drink. I'm not a drinker so I have a feeling he's not too thrilled that I only have sparkling water. It's rare to see him sober. He had a bluegrass shindig one weekend  while it was pouring rain and he wasn't too happy I didn't go. What the hell is bluegrass? All he did is probably drink 3 cases of beer by himself. He did a Thanksgiving dinner in the camp hall with 60 people cramped in there, and I didn't feel too comfortable being beside so many people. He wasn't too thrilled about me not going. He's lucky the municipality didn't show up and nail his a** with covid infractions.

[RN-Nix]

@Sparky1thanks for the laugh at 837pm yes I'm still going . Lol lol that guy is just trying to live his best life and he is probably saying "that party pooper" lol lol lol I've never heard of bluegrass but I will Google it.... lol smh. 60 people....ummmm I would have passed on that too...but I'm certain he had a great time lol lol . Well I'm happy that when you go up there he will definitely keep you entertained.  Just sit back, take it all in and know that I'm chuckling with you from a far. I'm realizing that we have to laugh to keep from crying all the dang time. Huggggs to you. 

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, RN-Nix said:

@Sparky1thanks for the laugh at 837pm yes I'm still going . Lol lol that guy is just trying to live his best life and he is probably saying "that party pooper" lol lol lol I've never heard of bluegrass but I will Google it.... lol smh. 60 people....ummmm I would have passed on that too...but I'm certain he had a great time lol lol . Well I'm happy that when you go up there he will definitely keep you entertained.  Just sit back, take it all in and know that I'm chuckling with you from a far. I'm realizing that we have to laugh to keep from crying all the dang time. Huggggs to you. 

Thanks RN-Nix. Yes, there's lots of entertainment up there, just from watching on my deck. I guess sometimes we do need to laugh a bit to prevent ourselves from going insane. We're worn out from all the sorrow, heartache, and tears that yes, a little entertainment cheers us up momentarily. Hugs to you too. 😊

[RN-Nix]

@Sparky1well if you're watching from your deck and not participating in the festivities just make sure he doesn't see you as a "peeping tom" lol (smile)

[unmukt]

On 4/15/2022 at 8:03 AM, Lan said:

@Gagarina Nath I hope you’re feeling a little better these days. My boyfriend passed in January. It was sudden and I felt a lot of guilt and anguish…I’ve been working to find peace these past months. I also feel like my loved one is very much here and real and hope to see him again. Sending peace and hugs.

Hi Lan, thank you for your words. I shall pray for you and hope you understand you are so loved, the pain is heard and the love you carry is so brightly obvious. I guess i have been through a soul shock after he passed away. The guilt has lessened for me, the dreams where i saw that i couldn't save him have become fewer. There are so many realisations which keep reaching to me, one of them being me realising he is my twin flame. I don't want any validation from others but my heart says so and i trust it ..since each day i feel more and more connected to him. I feel his love for me and somehow keep on going. At this point I don't seek any understanding from the people around me, since somehow they don't and the sanctity of our bond is broken when someone makes rude/ shallow comments. I have not found anyone who respects our relationship, everyone is of the view that since I am so young, i shall move on. I have to move on. But that's not what my grief is. My grief is devastating and it has even taken me closer to spirituality. I go to the temple and i feel my sorrow is heard. I belief deep down in my heart that my soul is designed to be with his, and someday I shall just merge with him. I carry this truth and live on somehow each day.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

I go to the temple and i feel my sorrow is heard.

Keep going then...whatever brings us any measure of comfort.

[Lan]

22 hours ago, Gagarina Nath said:

At this point I don't seek any understanding from the people around me, since somehow they don't and the sanctity of our bond is broken when someone makes rude/ shallow comments. I have not found anyone who respects our relationship, everyone is of the view that since I am so young, i shall move on. I have to move on. But that's not what my grief is. My grief is devastating and it has even taken me closer to spirituality. I go to the temple and i feel my sorrow is heard. I belief deep down in my heart that my soul is designed to be with his, and someday I shall just merge with him. I carry this truth and live on somehow each day.

I don’t have people who understand or support my relationship and I don’t turn to friends or family. I feel isolated and I’m okay with it. This has really brought me closer to my faith on a different level. I go to church and seek comfort in God. There were some things that happened beforehand that I didn’t understand so I’m tuning into my spirituality deeper to accept it now. I keep thinking this can’t just be it, there’s got to be more to this life and there’s got to be more beyond this. Wishing you peace in your healing journey.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Lan said:

there’s got to be more to this life and there’s got to be more beyond this.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  Keep believing/hoping!

[HisPumpkin]

Gagarina Nath

I am sitting here crying, reading all your posts, and the posts of others that feel the same. I’ve written so many similar words, but in letters to D, that I write on my private journal. Pouring out every thought, every emotion, to the only person I really want to talk to, that I can’t. I can feel the pain in your words. It’s the same pain I have been trying so hard to process. I’ve written him so many letters, the guilt I feel at not being able to save him, the anger I feel - he promised he’d never leave me unless I told him I didn’t want him anymore. I’ve screamed out “why did you leave me” more times than I can count, then felt guilty because I know he didn’t choose to, didn’t want to. Then I feel selfish for being so consumed by my own pain when he is the one who lost his life and every chance to realise his dreams. He had so many plans, was an artist like your love, and though he was older, still much left to do. Though he didn’t want much. Just to be with me, have a space to do his art, and a little bit of land in the country for us to have some baby ducks and goats and grow some veggies. He was always visualising exactly how it would be, asking me what kind of murals I wanted him to paint. God, we even visualised the colours to paint the kitchen. He made everything an adventure and saw the world through an artists eye. 

Every word you write resonates. I’ve begged him, wherever he is, to come take me away. I’ve begged for signs that he’s still with me. I’ve had moments where I wanted to just end it all. I’ve become kind of obsessed with reading about spiritualism. I do believe that some day we will reunite, but like you I struggle to think about facing the future without him with me. 

Im so sorry that you have to try to navigate this huge pain, and I’m sorry that your love never got to do all that he wanted. I think you are very brave and very strong, even in your grief, to share so viscerally what you are feeling. It’s the stark reality that it seems so many feel but often we shy away from revealing the depth of emotion. That is what society seems to tell us to do, hide it away so we don’t scare or inconvenience people who don’t understand or don’t want to. But that’s part of the problem - whilst I’m learning that grief is a path we mostly walk alone and must find our own ways to push through, there is a lot more healing in being able to just sit with others (even virtually) and say whatever we are feeling in the moment, no matter how raw. Sitting alone with it makes the hardest loss even harder. So, thank you for being brave and sharing. Your love shines through in every word too. I would sit with you, hold your hand, cry, scream, share stories of the happiest times and the darkest moments, if I could. Sending you love. 

[KayC]

The first article is closure to "closure" but it's the next article on signs I'm posting this for:
Signs/messages

[RN-Nix]

@KayCthank you for sharing. This is a good read but sad.....

[HisPumpkin]

39 minutes ago, KayC said:

The first article is closure to "closure" but it's the next article on signs I'm posting this for:
Signs/messages

I have a message from D, I have so many audio messages because of the distance. 

“Just a small point, pumpkin. You have to fall before you can rise.”

I know that even now he looks out for me, and I’m blessed to have all these messages that remind me of everything we shared. There have been a few signs, but I don’t want to hijack here. I take them wherever I can find them. Thank you again. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

I don’t want to hijack here.

There is no hijacking here (unless it's spam), in grief our thoughts are sometimes jumbled and we get off course...that's how our brains are in early grief!  I'm finding my brain a mess once again with the death of my sister.  I haven't had the outpouring of support from people like one would think, people don't understand how much we were in each other's lives and cared about each other, listened to each other...every day.  I feel very alone now (once again!).

[HisPumpkin]

7 minutes ago, KayC said:

There is no hijacking here (unless it's spam), in grief our thoughts are sometimes jumbled and we get off course...that's how our brains are in early grief!  I'm finding my brain a mess once again with the death of my sister.  I haven't had the outpouring of support from people like one would think, people don't understand how much we were in each other's lives and cared about each other, listened to each other...every day.  I feel very alone now (once again!).

Oh honey, I’m sorry. We do our best to find connection, ways to help us continue on, and then when one of those special people go it can rock the whole world all over again. I am in terror a lot at the moment about anything happening to my mum. She’s all that keeps me going really. It also makes me terrified to get close to anyone new in whatever capacity. What if I start to rely on them being around, and they die? Sounds like you had a very close bond with your lovely sister. Gentle hugs. 

[KayC]

Peggy was my confidant, and I was hers.  Plus I took care of her the last 1 1/2 years since her husband died, with her disability and dementia.  Her and my puppy loved each other.  He was hit hard as well.  I had to tell him that his Aunt Peggy was "gone."  All of a sudden it hit him, hard!  The stunned look on his face, the realization, it hit him all at once, although I'd told him before, it finally struck and he understood..  I will never forget the desperate shocked look on his face!  It brings me to tears thinking about it.  I held him and tried to comfort him.

[HisPumpkin]

Animals feel it, and our pain. I got some prints made up of D and the boys (cats) started rubbing their heads all over them. They loved him. It broke me, and I think I started screaming that they were just pictures, it wasn’t him. The boys are always at my side, right now. Little loves. I wonder if the family dogs are pining for D the way they did when he came to visit me. 

I’m glad you have your puppy. Sometimes the presence of our furbabies is the thing that gets us through. I’m so sorry @KayC, one shake up of the world as we know it is enough pain to bare all on its own. Multiple and… I can’t imagine. 

[KayC]

Thank you.  Growing old alone appears to be more challenging in the years that go by...