Not my partner, but a lot more than friends. Anticipatory grief.

[Steve79]

It's a little complicated because S isn't my partner, but she's more than a friend. We've been very intimate on and off over the past 4 years, since we met. Never a cross word. I'm posting on this board because though we're not a conventional couple, there is romantic love between us, and a strong bond, the sort couples have. We are a lot more than friends. I'm not otherwise married or partnered. 

Last September S complained about feeling dizzy when she stood up. It kills me that until just 4 weeks ago she was out on the town with her mates, texting me normally through the night, and leading a relatively normal independent life. Then a few days after that, around this time last month, I began getting strange texts. She was in hospital, sedated and slightly confused. She remained there for 3 1/2 weeks, came out last Thursday, able to walk. It all looked so positive. At home she rapidly deteriorated, got rushed back in this Monday morning with a chest infection. I was still having pretty lucid and intelligible conversations with her on the phone Monday, less so yesterday, and today, just a few hours ago, as she lies in hospital heavily sedated, confused, and so weak she can't sit herself up, I think I might have had my last 2-way conversation with her, in which she was mostly mumbling. Her decline is rapid. She's got primary lung cancer which has spread to her brain, and elsewhere. Plus she caught covid 2 weeks ago, and now this chest infection which has been getting worse these past 2 days, as I don't think the antibiotics have worked. 

I've not been able to see her properly for over a month, except 2 quick visits through a 6 inch gap in a ward window last week, due to wards not accepting visitors because of covid. Now visiting is allowed, but I've got covid, so probably won't test negative for a few days yet. We've only got the phone. But she fading more by the day, by the hour it seems, and it's now very difficult and frustrating for both of us using a phone. She hardly answers too, so it's all hit and miss. The situation is dreadful, and I've never experienced anything as overwhelmingly sad and hopeless as this.

I can't describe my all consuming grief. I'm breaking down all the time, and have been for a few weeks now, although it's getting worse. This week has been the worst. I was hyper ventilating on Monday when, a few hours before I was due to see her at home, I was told she's been rushed back in to hospital. I was curled up on the floor in a fetal position. I'm obsessing over tiny things, such as thinking "she would have come in here" whenever I go into a supermarket, or pub, or town centre street. I feel as if I'm losing a very dear loved one. The anticipation not just of her passing, but of my missing her is frightening. The whole town of 250,000 people feels empty and cold. She is well known and well liked. I feel incredibly isolated, mournful, guilty (for not getting to her in the 4 days she was at home), not eating, lost interest in everything. I'm 43, and never lost a close loved one through death before. Only felt break up grief. That was bad, but break ups lack the finality of death. You know they're alive, and hope for reconciliation. With death there's no reconciliation. They've gone forever. 

Though we'd often go considerable time between seeing each other, sometimes several months, we had a very special connection. She was a special friend. She said I gave her so much joy in life, and used to write romantic poetry about what I've done for her happiness. For me, she always met me with the warmest, most engaging, sincere smile of all my loved ones. She understood me more than anybody ever, and had the genuine intrigue to do so. I'm very complex, she is the opposite, and that worked. I could carry on writing for 5 pages, but I'm sure it's understood without more words.

I’m a truck driver, and I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to cope working 12 hour nightshifts on my own with this, and missing her, etc. I don’t have a large support network. Probably just 2 people, neither of which have experienced the death of a romantic friend/partner, and who have their own problems. The rest of my friends either avoid me, or don't understand the depths of what I'm going through. That's ok, this is heavy. I don't get angry at them.

I've phoned a helpline tonight, it helped a bit, but can anybody offer me words of comfort, guidance, similar stories, help, or anything? I'm really suffering watching her fade, and anticipating her passing. I can't quite believe she's going so quickly. I'm going to be getting 'that' call any day now.

[RN-Nix]

Hi Steve, I am praying for you and your partner in advance. What you are going through is quite painful and overwhelming from all I have read. You have found this site where the members "get it" our individual situations may be different BUT we are connected by the exact same pain and sting  of GRIEF!!!!!! You are going to definitely get support here.  You can definitely vent here. We feel your pain. I felt it through your post. I remember a lady who lost her husband and daughter on the same day telling me my grief will get worse and she was correct.  I want you to brace yourself because your Grief will also get worse . It's just the process that I hate we have to go through and I don't like to use that word. Keep coming back here to vent and share your frustration and sadness. I can't even reassure you that it's going to get better Quickly because from all I've read and my own experience it gets worse before you can even hold your head above water.  Someone here who is much further along in the process will tell you that it will get better. I can't tell you that bc I'm not there yet. All I can say is hang in there and continue to bring your Grief here.  Sending you a big hug .

[Steve79]

Thank you RN-Nix. I really appreciate your time in reading my long post and replying to me. 

In 2005 I had a break up which was the worst emotional experience of my life. It traumatised me, and changed the course of my life. It kind of refined my soul by the end of it. I remember having 6 weeks off work initially, signed off by a doctor. So I'm no stranger to grief. But, that was 17 years ago. I remember it getting worse, and worse, and worse, until one day, about 3 months in, I remember literally head butting the wall and screaming to stop the pain, it was so bad. And then soon after that episode chinks of light began entering, and I slowly went over the crest of depression and back to a state of healed calm over the following 12 months. All from a 6 month relationship gone wrong. 

Discovering phone help lines tonight has really given me comfort too. They offered me 6 free one-on-one phone sessions with the same counsellor on my timescale too, which really comforted me. And I didn't know The Samaritans are 24/7, and are more than happy to talk about bereavement. That'll be very useful for those awful, awful 2am bouts of empty isolation where I seem to feel particularly pained. We spent nights pillow talking through the early hours. 

[Canadagirl81]

Steve....first let me say how incredibly sorry I am for what you are going through. I know there are no real words that can bring much comfort to you at this time but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and S. She is your person. 
I lost my person, Glenn, on the 7th of February. He died suddenly, a heart attack relating to a stent he had in his heart from when he had cancer years ago. I honestly didn't even know what a stent truly was until after this happened and he hadn't had it looked at in a number of years. The regret and guilt I feel are tremendous and I replay the day he died over and over. His body was screaming at him to get help but like the trooper he was, he pushed on until it was too late. 

Like your S, Glenn was everyone's light. He did everything for everyone and truly was the glue for his family and everyone who knew him. I still am in disbelief as I'm sure you are too. The anticipation for what you are about to experience must be soul crushing and I wish there was something I could do to alleviate that for you. All I know is that energetically, they never truly leave. S knows you love her, she knows you are her person too. No matter what your relationship looked like to anyone on the outside, what you two shared can never EVER be taken away or changed. Just coming here to seek help and support is HUGE and you should be so proud of yourself, I know S is proud of you too. I know I'm a total stranger but I'm here for you. 

I also wanted to say to flow with your grief as it comes. Nix is right, it does get worse. Today started out okay for me and then by the time the sun went down I was angry and screaming. Flow with all the emotions that come. Watch grief Ted Talks, talk about it, feel it all. You are not alone. 

[RN-Nix]

@Canadagirl81I'm so sorry for your loss. Sometimes hindsight is 20/20. It sounds like his Stent must have gotten blocked if he didn't look at for a while as you mentioned.  My dad has lived with a Stent for years but gets it checked yearly. You kinda have to. It seems like we are all living with some kind of regret and I'm still trying to sort through mine . There's always the "maybe I should have " or " if only I had known ". This state of grief that we are in is something else.   I'm sending you a big hug too. 

[Canadagirl81]

@RN-Nix Thank you. It's just a nightmare that I want to wake up from. I'm angry and upset but I have to keep flowing with those emotions too. There's nothing that can be done now about it.  Sending you hugs as well, It's comforting to know we aren't alone. 

[KG21]

Giving you a big virtual hug @Steve79. We are all here with you. You can come here to vent, share, scream, cry, whatever.  We are all right here with with. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. 

[RN-Nix]

@Canadagirl81 thank you. I feel the exact same emotions. This is our nightmare unfortunately.  Smh.. This is beyond  awful. 

[Steve79]

Thank you all. I appreciate your time and words.

I'm in a gut wrenching state of limbo at the moment. Anticipatory grief is apparently a unique and particularly horrible type of grief. I'm between feeling ok because S is still with us, her heart still beats, and I think I might get one last call or text with her. Then a tiny piece of me thinks a miracle might happen, and another part of me is simply waiting for the dreaded news of her passing. I'm also terrified of calling her today (I'm calling daily) in case she's so out of it. I don't think I could handle the heart break of hearing her so far gone. But I know it means the world to her that I'm there as much as I can be right to the end. Then I'm feeling guilty, because I'm anticipating the relief of the finality of the situation, so I can begin grieving properly, and be freed from this awful state of limbo. Then deep sadness that we'll never have those romantic, happy, intimate moments together again, the way it was. 

When a loved one is in their final days, it's really traumatic for the ones witnessing it. I never understood that properly, til now. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for what you are going through...loss of our partner (married or not) is one of the hardest losses we can experience, it's so hard to process, it feels like brain trauma as well as shattering to our heart.  I AM glad you found your way here, you have many others that get it and understand here, and it helps to have someone to "talk to" about it.  I would imagine being a driver is hard to continue right now, although the distraction can be welcome, it's hard to focus too.
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources
Anticipatory Grief at Work
Anticipatory Grief: Symptoms and Purpose
 

I hope you'll save this for future reference, even though you're in the anticipatory stage right now...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Steve79]

Thank you KayC, your links are very informative. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 Thinking of you and wanted to check in. 

[Steve79]

Just now, Canadagirl81 said:

@Steve79 Thinking of you and wanted to check in. 

Hi Canadagirl, thank you. I'm not too bad today, but that's because I got hold of S on the phone. I said her deterioration this week was very noticeable by the day, but today it seemed to have leveled off. She seemed very slightly better even. So I think it's halted my pain a bit. I'm still in the anticipatory stage of grief, so it swings from despair to relief and hope, and back again. Not to say she won't go down further tomorrow, but for now it feels great to have her hanging on a bit longer. Alas, I know the day is coming soon though. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 I am hoping for a miracle for you both. I’m glad she’s not experiencing such intense levels of pain at this time and you as well. You are so fortunate to have each other. <3

[Steve79]

6 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@Steve79 I am hoping for a miracle for you both. I’m glad she’s not experiencing such intense levels of pain at this time and you as well. You are so fortunate to have each other. <3

Thank you, yes. I'm desperate to show negative on a covid test so I can go see her, probably for the last couple times. I've showed positive for 3 days now. Time is running out, but whilst there is hope, I'm not in gut churning anguish like I was when I began this thread. I'm certainly not all ok though. This is still a terrible experience, and I will have to face post-death grief. Thanks for asking after me. That was very kind. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 ugh Covid, no. I hope that you test negative so you can go and visit her and spend time with her. Of course you aren't all okay, how could you be in a situation like this? I'm feeling incredibly alone tonight, I just watched a ton of our videos and had a good cry. Nothing is okay. 
Thinking of you and hoping you heal from Covid and you can go see S very soon. Hugs. 

[Steve79]

10 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@Steve79 ugh Covid, no. I hope that you test negative so you can go and visit her and spend time with her. Of course you aren't all okay, how could you be in a situation like this? I'm feeling incredibly alone tonight, I just watched a ton of our videos and had a good cry. Nothing is okay. 
Thinking of you and hoping you heal from Covid and you can go see S very soon. Hugs. 

Argh, the cursed loneliness! The isolation. Do you find that to be the worst aspect of raw grief? 

For example, you're in a large supermarket (do you say grocery store over the pond?), full of people, yet your loneliness seems hyper amplified? As if each and every stranger reminds you of your lost connection, and the value of connections generally? Or you take a walk around an empty but familiar park close to your home, yet feel as if you could be 5000 miles away? 

One month is a very short amount of time since Glenn's passing. One day at a time, eh? I hope tomorrow you don't feel so alone.

Thank you. so do I! I told S today on the phone that my number one goal is to go and see her at the earliest possible point that I can. That I'm determined, and to wait for me. Then I told her to keep that in mind, and please don't forget it. She replied "Yes, I know". Fingers crossed. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 Yes, we say grocery store here That's exactly what it feels like. Being on social media also can be very painful. Seeing happy pictures of couples with their families, in their homes, whole and complete within each other stings to my core....knowing that a huge part of me died the day he did.  
We live in a lake community where most of the homes are vacant for the majority of the year. It's winter now so it's pretty deserted. Glenn and I hiked these roads every single day and we love nature and walking so of course, I get outside and connect to it.....but without him it's absolutely bittersweet. I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of my eye, maybe I do.

Yes...only a month but it seems like 10 years ago and 10 minutes ago all at the same time. I know I'm technically not alone....I have me. I love me, he helped me learn that. I also have his energy with me, always. I feel him but it's not enough because it's not everything. One day at a time, one breath at a time.

I will visualize you going to see her. You should too. Hugs. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Steve79 said:

it swings from despair to relief and hope, and back again.

Enjoy the respites when you get them.  Try not to think about tomorrow, live in today, it has enough.  

My MIL was the sweetest person in the world, my best friend, the mom I'd always wanted, the best grandma ever, best cook, best everything!  42 years ago she got breast cancer, she had a double radical mastectomy...she survived it without return for five years...we celebrated!  Then she got cancer of the bone & liver.  They sent her home from the hospital to die.  She did one chemo and said no more.  They gave her two weeks.  I took care of her in her home, bringing my one and two year olds with me, dad had her at night.  I did this for three years.  I LIVED anticipatory grief.  It was the hardest thing in the world, yet a very special time too, one I can't put into words, but the family knows/understands.  Years later her son divorced me after 23 years of marriage.  The family kept me.  They never forgot what I did for Mom.  But I don't look at it that way, you do what you do because you LOVE someone, WANT to be there for them however you can!  You don't want to miss one day with them, you want to go through it with them.  It was also a very hard/down time, seeing her suffer, her body going bit by bit...I won't go into detail although I will never forget any of it.  We knew she was going to die.  She knew it.  The morphine no longer moved through her body as no BP to move it.  Everything was shutting down, bit by bit.  We prayed with her, told her it was okay to go (she was holding on for us)...that night she went into a coma and died in the wee hours of the morning, in peace.  She'd needed our permission to let go.  Right after she died the finality hit!  I'd never have her to talk to again!  She was out of my reach.  How would I live without her?!  

We do.  My husband (not her son) died almost 17 years ago.  I didn't see how I could live without him for one week!  I'm here...still.  I don't know how.  One day at a time, I still have to do one day at a time, anything else is too much, invites anxiety I don't need.  I will be with him again.  I hold onto that.

I lost my dog, Arlie, my companion, I loved him more than I can say, he was all I had over these years since George died...I will be with him again.  Such is life/death...some get to keep their beloved into their 90s, others of us lose them way too soon.  No seeming rhyme or reason.  One thing I know, I have George's love and our memories to carry me the rest of my life, it was the most beautiful love of my life, and I know it still exists...for him, and for me.  

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  That carries me.

Steve I hope you test negative very soon!!  I know you want to see her...I hope that for you and with you.

[Steve79]

12 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of my eye, maybe I do.

 

I love that comment. Afterlife is an intensely fascinating subject. I've had quite a long interest in it. 

[Steve79]

I just managed to get through to S on the phone. She's even worse than yesterday. A lot worse. The call lasted just 1 minute and 9 seconds. Each day this week each call has been 2 minutes shorter than the previous day's. Just now it broke my heart because she sounded almost close to a coma. Each passing day she's been less and less able to hear me. Just now, for 30 seconds all I could hear was her slurring, saying "can you hear me? I can't hear you". I was shouting by the end so she'd hear me, and she just about heard my voice. We didn't actually connect on anything. Then there was silence, then I heard a slurred "I'm still here....gotta go...bye sweetheart..." then silence. 

Argh this is torture. She's there, but not there. I'm streaming with tears now. 

Damn this covid! I won't be negative for a while yet, not til at least next week I think. I missed her at home by just hours this Monday just gone. I really don't think I'll ever see her again. I can't believe that we're 10 minutes away from each other, just 2 miles, and I can't see her. I've never had covid. But the only day of my whole life where I'd have appreciated not having it was Tuesday, the day after S went back into hospital. And Tuesday was the first day I've ever tested positive. I can't get over the cruel timing of it. 

I also can't believe that exactly this time just last Friday, 7 days ago, I had a fairly normal conversation with her on the phone, and she'd just got out of hospital after 3 1/2 weeks. I could never have predicted that she'd almost immediately start declining from that time, go back into hospital  within days, and then her decline would rapidly accelerate, so quickly. She was laughing and joking on the phone with me just 7 days ago. Now she's virtually comatised. 

Cancer is evil. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should continue ringing. I don't think it means anything to her anymore. She sounds almost completely gone. It's just hurting me. Maybe I should just wait for that call with the inevitable news? I don't know what to do. 

[RN-Nix]

@Steve79I'm so sorry you are stuck in limbo. Is there anyone there with her that you can talk to? I may have to reread your messages. Perhaps that person can tell you the exact state that she is in. I'm praying she is not alone. We are here with you.

[Steve79]

11 minutes ago, RN-Nix said:

@Steve79I'm so sorry you are stuck in limbo. Is there anyone there with her that you can talk to? I may have to reread your messages. Perhaps that person can tell you the exact state that she is in. I'm praying she is not alone. We are here with you.

I don't know. She told me somebody is answering her phone for her, yet I'm sure she's answering the odd call and sending the odd text on her own, still, just about. She text me "xxxxxx" earlier. But even if somebody is with her, they're not communicating with me, they're just handling the phone for S. And now S is too far gone to understand, or even hear me say something like "can you pass the phone to the person with you please". Her mental capacity for anything more abstract than "hello" and "goodbye" and "love you" seem to have vanished now. 

Yesterday I asked her 4 times "who did you say was with you?", after she told me a name that I didn't quite catch, but all 4 times I asked, she couldn't understand what I was asking. And today she's a lot worse than yesterday. 

If I ring wards directly, the nurses are very reluctant to give information over the phone. They refuse to give details on patients. 

I'm in touch with S's sister, but she's also struck down with covid. So she's had to stop visiting S. 

Oh I don't know. I'm all over the place today. 

Thank you for replying. 

[RN-Nix]

@Steve79I know it's very difficult and staff will definitely not give any information. So frustrating. What I can tell you FOR SURE is that hearing is the last to go. Even if she seems incoherent when she is trying to speak to you she can still hear your voice .

[Steve79]

25 minutes ago, RN-Nix said:

@Steve79I know it's very difficult and staff will definitely not give any information. So frustrating. What I can tell you FOR SURE is that hearing is the last to go. Even if she seems incoherent when she is trying to speak to you she can still hear your voice .

That's one of the major problems, she can't hear me on the phone. Half of yesterday's call, and most of today's, she was saying "can't hear you... can't hear you....". 

Even when she could hear, she seems to have lost the ability to process what I'm saying, unless it's mega simple, like "hello". 

Today I had to shout 3 times "ARE THEY LOOKING AFTER YOU?". She replied with a weak mumble "can't hear you....gotta go..." then silence, so I hung up. 

But if I could just sit with her for an hour, just one more hour, and hold her hand, we wouldn't even have to talk. I'd do the talking for her. I know she'd hear that, if I was right next to her. 

I can't believe just 7 nights ago we had a perfectly normal, intelligible conversation on her house phone about her hospital appointment on Monday to discuss chemo, where she said she'd definitely have it, because it might cure her. I just can't believe the speed of her decline these past  5 days. It's blindsided me totally.

 

[RN-Nix]

@Steve79 I was blindsided too. Within 6 days of our conversation my love was brain dead. I'm praying that you will be able to get to her bedside. Maybe she is receiving pain medication and it makes her incoherent. Praying for you both.

 

[Steve79]

4 minutes ago, RN-Nix said:

@Steve79 I was blindsided too. Within 6 days of our conversation my love was brain dead. I'm praying that you will be able to get to her bedside. Maybe she is receiving pain medication and it makes her incoherent. Praying for you both.

 

Ouch. 6 days. Well I know how that feels now. 

If it's not too painful for you, and not too inappropriate to ask, what happened in those 6 days? What was your experience of those 6 days?

I'm pretty sure it's pain medication making her like this. She definitely knows who I am. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 Steve, is there anyone in her family you can contact at all? I feel so frustrated for you to have such little information to go off of! You must feel so helpless. Sending you hugs. 

[Steve79]

Hi Canadagirl. Only her sister, who was visiting S, but has also been struck down with covid since Wednesday, so will probably be getting second hand information herself from another family member. I don't know. I only 'met' her sister this Monday, and I don't know any of her other family members. She may know something, so I will call her tomorrow. We have been in contact all week, just not today. She knows I call S everyday. 

Fingers crossed a negative covid test tomorrow. I feel myself improving today, symptoms mostly gone. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 Absolutely give her a call tomorrow. I hope you test negative tomorrow...really glad you are feeling better. ~Laura

[Steve79]

Thank you Laura. How was your day? Was it a good one, or a bad one?

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 Thanks for asking that. I kept busy most of the day today. Helped my friend paint at the big old house she's restoring up the road, got groceries, walked the neighbors dog, took nature photos and made myself a yummy dinner. I lost it in the car coming back from the store. I screamed my head off and spoke directly to "God" or the universe or whatever (I'm not religious) and just asked why the F this happened. I don't know what it is about the car but I always seem to lose my mind in there. Cooking for one is another thing that is totally bittersweet. I love to cook and I loved cooking for us. The first couple weeks I could barely eat, I lost 12 pounds. My appetite hasn't fully returned, I find myself eating way less which is probably a good thing anyway as I have a bit more weight I want to lose. I miss Glenn with all I am. It's Friday night. The weekends were always so fun, every day was fun but there's just something about the feeling of the weekend and watching movies, staying up late and just being. I have our cat Gracie with me so I'm not completely alone but.....I can't believe this is my reality now. I really really dislike it but I have no choice but to keep living it and wonder why this had to happen with no hope of an answer that would ever make any of this even remotely okay. Life is crazy. I know there's so much going on in the world right now and I know a lot of people are in pain which also adds to the weight of mine. I'm pretty disillusioned with life currently.

 

[Steve79]

3 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I know there's so much going on in the world right now and I know a lot of people are in pain which also adds to the weight of mine.

I'm pretty disillusioned with life currently.

Yes, this. All of this. I feel exactly the same. Shattered into pieces. VERY disillusioned. But, the last time I felt that way, I grew back a better, wiser, stronger person, and it steered the course of my life. I think this will happen for us again. It can't not. I'm happy that your day was (or at least sounds) like a reasonably good one, given your circumstances. You sound a little stronger than me.  

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 It's comforting to know I'm not alone in these feelings. I went through disillusionment with my very painful divorce and I came out of that so strong, way stronger than I ever thought I could be. It destroyed me, I was totally broken but I pieced myself back together (with Glenn's help). The pain of his loss is a million times more than the losses of my past and they seem like a walk in the park compared to this. So crazy. Yeah, I have to make myself shift perspective to grateful several times a day. I have a lot to be thankful for and today I got out of bed, I took care of myself and others so it was "good" with absolute devastation flowing wild under the surface. I let it out when I can't contain it anymore, I feel it all and it eventually subsides until the next time when I do it all over again. You are strong too Steve, don't forget that okay? 

[Steve79]

15 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@Steve79 It's comforting to know I'm not alone in these feelings. I went through disillusionment with my very painful divorce and I came out of that so strong, way stronger than I ever thought I could be. It destroyed me, I was totally broken but I pieced myself back together (with Glenn's help). The pain of his loss is a million times more than the losses of my past and they seem like a walk in the park compared to this. So crazy. Yeah, I have to make myself shift perspective to grateful several times a day. I have a lot to be thankful for and today I got out of bed, I took care of myself and others so it was "good" with absolute devastation flowing wild under the surface. I let it out when I can't contain it anymore, I feel it all and it eventually subsides until the next time when I do it all over again. You are strong too Steve, don't forget that okay? 

Holding it in til you can't contain it anymore... that happened to me last night. It got so bad I had to ring a crisis hotline. I've never done that before. I waited in a queue for about 10 minutes, with sad piano hold-music playing. By the time somebody answered, get this... I was so pent up with grief, so overwhelmed a total stranger would volunteer their time to help me, that I lost it when I opened my mouth, and my voice went all squeaky. The first thing she heard was a voice sounding like it had been sucking in helium saying "hold on.... hold on.... i'll speak in a moment....hold on". From one perspective that's comedy gold. It helps me to see the comedy in things. There's still a touch of room for comedy. Not much, but a bit. What about you?

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 yes...I absolutely see the comedy in that even though the circumstances surrounding it aren't funny at all...but I think it's wonderful you can step outside of yourself and see the humour there. I hope she was able to help you and I'm sure she totally understood the state you were in when she first got on the phone. I actually laugh sometimes too at this whole situation. I say out loud "REALLY??? Really? This is what my reality is now? FOR REAL?" and I defeatedly laugh, mostly out of disbelief. Like really. I went through all the pain of my past to learn to become whole within myself so I could attract and be with someone who was whole within himself, not needing anything from each other, no codependency or toxicity. only to lose him way too young and in the blink of an eye? REALLY? Is it supposed to be some sick cosmic joke that I'm not in on? I don't understand anything. 

[Steve79]

1 minute ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@Steve79 yes...I absolutely see the comedy in that even though the circumstances surrounding it aren't funny at all...but I think it's wonderful you can step outside of yourself and see the humour there. I hope she was able to help you and I'm sure she totally understood the state you were in when she first got on the phone. I actually laugh sometimes too at this whole situation. I say out loud "REALLY??? Really? This is what my reality is now? FOR REAL?" and I defeatedly laugh, mostly out of disbelief. Like really. I went through all the pain of my past to learn to become whole within myself so I could attract and be with someone who was whole within himself, not needing anything from each other, no codependency or toxicity. only to lose him way too young and in the blink of an eye? REALLY? Is it supposed to be some sick cosmic joke that I'm not in on? I don't understand anything. 

Me and my best mate often have long late night chats about many things. One concept we play around with is the idea the world isn't real, and that we're all self-aware avatars in a giant computer simulation. That when bad things happen to us, it's just the players losing a level, where it flashes up "game over", and you have to start again. Either that, or we're deliberately laughed at by our misanthropic overlord creators, and it's as you say, a cosmic sick joke. I've always felt something is very slightly awry regarding the human experience. Perhaps a less than benevolent deity hacked the cosmic algorithm, just for a laugh. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 I think you may be on to something there. Who really knows what is actually going on. Our whole world could be some particle in the leg of a huge table that belongs to an even bigger universe that is just as messed up as ours is. So much is shifting all the time and I would be so curious to wake up 200, 300, 500 or even 10,000 years from now (if we are even still around) just to see what is going on and how it's all playing out. I mentioned in another thread but there's this great docu-series on Netflix called "Surviving Death", it's got some cool stuff going on in it regarding the afterlife and near-death experiences, etc. I've been doing deep dives on subjects like that since G left, just to grasp onto anything that may indicate I'll get to see him again and be with him energetically for as long as we want. This whole dying thing is such a downer. I get dying is what makes life worth living and all that but BLAH. Being hacked doesn't seem far fetched either...who the heck knows. 

[unmukt]

On 3/10/2022 at 5:41 PM, Steve79 said:

Thank you all. I appreciate your time and words.

I'm in a gut wrenching state of limbo at the moment. Anticipatory grief is apparently a unique and particularly horrible type of grief. I'm between feeling ok because S is still with us, her heart still beats, and I think I might get one last call or text with her. Then a tiny piece of me thinks a miracle might happen, and another part of me is simply waiting for the dreaded news of her passing. I'm also terrified of calling her today (I'm calling daily) in case she's so out of it. I don't think I could handle the heart break of hearing her so far gone. But I know it means the world to her that I'm there as much as I can be right to the end. Then I'm feeling guilty, because I'm anticipating the relief of the finality of the situation, so I can begin grieving properly, and be freed from this awful state of limbo. Then deep sadness that we'll never have those romantic, happy, intimate moments together again, the way it was. 

When a loved one is in their final days, it's really traumatic for the ones witnessing it. I never understood that properly, til now. 

Hi Steve, i just want to let you know that you are not alone. Please hang in there. I am praying for you and sending you a tight hug . It's only love which stays and helps in every step. I hope love fills you up in moments where you just can't feel like going on, since what I have felt is that love never ends. They can still love us, we can still love them even if they are not here in person. I hope it gives you peace. 

[KayC]

My sister was in a coma 4 1/2 months, she could hear, just couldn't respond...my grandmother for 13 years. My other sister was loopy when she was in the hospital, a combination of dementia and drugs.  One thing I hung onto is that they could hear (even though S said she couldn't) who knows, but I'd act on the presumption she can.  The timing really sucks, Cs suck (cancer, Covid)..You're in all of our thoughts and I'm sending up prayers for you, her, her sister...

[Steve79]

Thank you Gagarina Nath and KayC, your words help me a lot. 

KayC, S can hear, but just can't hear me on the phone. She'll catch one or two of my words maybe. But I'm limited to using the phone due to having covid at the moment. If S slipped into a come today, and remained in one for weeks, I'd go and talk to her, because I believe she'd be able to hear. I'm sorry to read of your sisters and grandmother. I can't imagine how anguished you must have felt. 

[KayC]

Hoping and praying you'll soon test negative!

[Canadagirl81]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Hoping and praying you'll soon test negative!

Ditto this! 

[Steve79]

I'm having an incredibly bad day today. I was much more together yesterday. Today started out weird. I woke up, and had this strange feeling of calm. I didn't feel a bit emotional thinking about S. I even forgot about the situation for a short while. I felt totally like my old self. This unnerved me, and I didn't trust it one bit. I sent my usual good morning text to S, as I think she still just about gets to read them at some point of the day. Then I took myself out to walk around a local nature reserve. It's all I can do at the moment. Whilst walking around there I felt zoned out of the nature, and I felt a huge wave of sorrow creep up on me. It lasted 2 hours, and there were many tears throughout my walk. Then it subsided for half hour, but now it's crushing me again and again. It's intense and it's breaking me. It wasn't helped by finding a car park ticket in my car from the last time I saw S, nearly two weeks ago. I broke down when I saw it, because I vividly remember walking away from her window, and we couldn't stop waving at each other. 

Why do I link everything to S? Things I never even did with her. Some things I could not possibly make a link with her, and I definitely could with other people in my life, yet I still link it with her. I saw a woman who looked nothing like her today, yet she looked "about the same age". And that's all it took for me to get upset. Why am I SO intensely focused on S in my mind right now, in this particular way? Day 6 of testing positive for covid too. Surely I'll catch the break soon. 

I normally ring S each day, but I don't feel able today. I don't feel strong enough right now. Hearing her slurred speech, hearing her say she just wants to go now, telling her I'll be there as soon as I can, as if I'm making her wait, it's all tearing me apart. I had it together for most of yesterday. Complete opposite today. 

I've a few friends I want to turn to for comfort, but for various reasons I can't. The ones I can turn to don't really give me comfort. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck either in my room, or walking around empty parks. The isolation feels insane. 

I just need to write this and put it out there, it's about all I can do, except for crisis hotlines. 

 

[RN-Nix]

I'm so sorry you are going through this today. You have a lot on your plate and no where to turn for support. I feel your sorrow and your emptiness. You're probably filled with turmoil because you are unable to be at her side. I think if you were able to see her you would feel so much better. You're also not feeling your best so you have to take it easy and take care of yourself. Your love is still "here" . My thiught is that you should still attempt to reach out to her. I would give anything to be able to pick up the phone to call my love even if I just heard a mumble from him in return. It seems to me that she is hanging on with all of her might. I know it's hard but you should think about calling her. Hearing something is better than hearing nothing. Sending you a big hug. Hang in there!!!

[Steve79]

Thank you for replying. I will when my tears stop. They're still going and they're really anguished ones. I feel so anguished. I don't think I've ever actually wailed in my life until now. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 holding space for you and sending you love. Have you been able to reach out to her sister? I agree with Nix… I would attempt to reach out to S. I know you are feeling absolutely beside yourself. I wish there was a magic button to make this all go away and everything back to normal. Take care of yourself and go easy on you today. It’s okay to feel all the emotions and crying that way is super healing even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Let your body release the pain. Thinking of you! 

[Steve79]

Thank you Laura. Yes, I spoke with her sister yesterday. That's when I found out S is having a CT scan today, which really surprised me. I didn't think the hospital were still investigating or tackling her cancer, seeing as she's so incredibly weak and poorly.

I tried ringing S. Her phone rang but she didn't answer. That's perfectly normal, and has been the pattern for some time now. If it follows the normal pattern, S will ring me between 5-6pm (it's 4:10pm now UK time). Or somebody will dial my number for her. 

Thank you again RN-Nix and Canadagirl for replying. It sounds a bit funny, but between this forum and crisis hotlines, that's all I've got for comfort right now, and my own pep talks, which don't help much in the midst of anguish. I'm almost embarrassed actually. 

[Canadagirl81]

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Grief is grief. I hope you get to talk to her today. 
 

[RN-Nix]

@Steve79you will cry many many more times. As hurtful as it is that's a part of grieving. I wish this was just a period that we have to go through and then we make it through and it's over and our loved ones are back with us. I know ....wishful thinking . Don't feel embarrassed. The hospital didn't give up on her care so why would they not do a scan? Hopefully someone will tell you the results. Please try to call her later if you don't hear from her. Keeping you in my thoughts.

@Canadagirl81exactly!!!!! Nothing to be embarrassed about .