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Not my partner, but a lot more than friends. Anticipatory grief.


Steve79

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It's been 10 hours, and now it's hit.

This is an insane level of pain. I can't console myself at all. I've had break up grief, but this is worse! I'm in major shock. 

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Hi Steve I'm so so sorry. The pain is real and unfortunately it IS associated with SHOCK. You've experienced a major loss and now you are fully connected with us in this horrible period of grief. Please cry as much as you want. The pain is not going to magically disappear.  As you begin to process the loss your pain will probably get worse before it shows any signs of letting up. Ride the wave and don't be afraid of your emotions. Sending you a big hug of comfort.  Please hang in there as best you can. This process is so terrible.  I'm sorry. 

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13 hours ago, Steve79 said:

S has just passed, peacefully, at home, with her family, at 1:15am. I last saw her 10 hours ago, and she was unresponsive. 

I had the most emotionally turbulent week of my life, but also the most moving. There were seriously tender moments of intimacy, tears, and some laughter. It all felt so real.

Two days ago, on Wednesday, she was sat upright, chirpy, chatty, energetic, looking well, perfumed, then went downhill fast. On Wednesday she gave me the most spirited smile as I left. A smile I hadn't seen for 2 months. That image is scorched into my mind and will remain forever. 

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Calm actually, and a little relieved that her suffering is over. I know it's yet to hit me proper, but I'll deal with that going forward. 

My last words to her were "I love you". I know she heard them, I know she took that to the other side. 

I am so sorry, Steve.  I know it's a consolation that she was at peace at home, but that does not alleviate your grief as we all know and understand.  Just keep coming here.  And print/save this, I want you to have it to refer to as this is an ever-evolving journey and what hits you one day will be different from a month or year from now....

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

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Steve, 

I am very glad you found us when you did, so you got to know us a little bit and were familiar BEFORE this happened.  There is no way to prepare for the shock and harsh reality of the finality of death, when it happens, even if we knew it was going to happen, it slams us!  Sometimes shock protects us for a while, we're numb/robotic, but eventually it hits with full force.  For some that comes in the second year, but not for all.  I remember coming home from the hospital (without him) and the total shock/devastation I felt!  It was so hard to believe.  I couldn't wrap my mind around it, how anyone so vibrant could just not be!  Of course we know they still exist, their spirit is somewhere, but I saw his cold lifeless body, I knew he wasn't there, I also knew that everything I'd known was gone...no more touching, no more talking, just gone.  Out off my reach.  Even here I feel the hush, like people don't know what to say.  Do not take that to mean they don't care!  We care, believe me, we care plenty.  Sometimes people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, I've been on forums 17 years and still fear that!  Every once in a while something I can say to 100 people strikes the 101st person the wrong way.  I can't let that stop me from trying.

I just want you to know anything you can possibly think/feel...is normal in grief.  We've been the gamut, we go through a roller coaster of emotions.  Eventually we become more used to this journey, therein is the consolation, it's hard to fathom how anyone can get used to this!  But we do, in time, it takes much time before we get there though.  So many factors play into how long that can take, our resiliency, coping, ability to adjust, how much effort we put into learning, do our grief work.  Personally I think family placement factors in, everything else seems to!

We're here for you, when you feel like it...we're here, reading/listening/caring...

(((hugs)))) Thinking of you today.

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Thank you for your heartfelt reply KayC. It means a lot to me. 

Just over 36 hours have passed since S passed. I had the mother of scariest meltdowns yesterday morning, about 10 hours after she passed. But nothing anywhere near that since. It felt like a final release, a climax to the past few weeks of hell. 

I'm sort of an autopilot right now. My appetite has strangely returned. I've called in sick at work for the second night running. I shall return tomorrow night. Then I have some holiday booked on my next shift cycle. It'll be a couple of weeks before I return to normal there. 

Intellectually and conceptually I know and understand S has gone, and doesn't exist. I had around 4 months to wrap my head around that thought, my first tears began rolling in early Dec when we knew it was serious. In reality it was only the last 18 days of her life it became a certainty that had to be accepted. Until then doctors were about to start chemo, so there was hope. But that hope was dashed 20 days ago. The very afternoon she was due to be assessed for the possibility of chemo, she took a sudden and sharp downturn that morning, was readmitted to hospital, lost her entire mobility by the next day, began losing her character and mind, and lasted just 18 more days, the last 2 mostly unresponsive. It was brutal to witness and brutal to experience for her, me, and everybody else. The overnight loss of her old character was probably the hardest thing to take. Only glimpses of it remained for the following 18 days, and gradually lessened as those days went by. I felt I actually lost her 20 days ago. 

I guess 18 days was enough time for me to understand and absorb the inevitability, and my grief from the last 4 months amplified 10 fold during those last 18 days. Now, I'm not sure what I feel. A strange sense of calm and numbness, a bit more acceptance of what has actually just happened, and an internal heaviness and depression which needs to work its way out now, over the coming months I assume. I know I don't feel right on the inside, naturally. 

The one overriding feature of my grief now is an inner shock and disbelief that I'll never again knock on her door, see her figure come towards it through the frosted glass, have her open it with her massively spirited smile, and say "hello gorgeous!" before pulling me in for a hug, and laughs, and deep talk, and everything else that's great about relationships. Nor ever receive another text or phone call. Nor see her walk into the bar with her friends on Saturday nights, and smile at me from across the other side of the bar before making her way over and giving me those feels. Her smile was incredible. This is what I need to work towards, accepting that. 

Also, like a lot of bereaved people, I laugh at myself doing this, but I too have started Googling "is there an afterlife?", and spent the last 2 or 3 weeks going down that rabbit hole. Despite my own faith on this, and some first hand positive (and occasionally disturbing) experiences, there's more rational skepticism and psychological explanation than validation or 'proof' when you begin searching around. Rational skepticism is presented in such a way that my gut feeling understands it to be true. Anything and everything I've seen about spirits, mediums, and afterlife always seem too woolly, opinion dressed up and presented as fact, have convenient get-out clauses, or will make claims of evidence without ever pointing you to that specific evidence. Not one medium has ever claimed that $1 million dollar prize offered to anybody who can demonstrate true psychic ability. I've seen plenty of material on tricks mediums and psychics use to exploit the bereaved, but practically nothing which shows beyond all doubt that our loved ones' consciousness does indeed exist beyond. There always seems to be an obvious flaw or trick. I think they're essentially magicians. Watch this video for instance - it shows how we make things fit a psychic reading. And as far as my first hand experiences go? Well, the mind is a powerful thing, and I'm beginning to doubt. So this is adding to my grief. The thought that death is death, there is no soul or separate consciousness, and there is just nothingness afterwards. The thought S has gone in her entirety is something I need to accept, but can't even begin to imagine how. Hanging on is an absurdity when you think about it philosophically. My head and my heart are in total opposition right now. 

I know the above is a jumble of lots of different thoughts, but I needed to get this out there, even if nobody reads it. It's therapeutic. I do invite thoughts and opinions on the afterlife stuff though. 

 

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I believe in afterlife definitely and still talk to George, their spirit continues even while the body is worn out.  I look forward to being with him again, we found each other once, a miracle, we will again!

Everything you wrote here, it's not jumbled feelings, it your trying to wrap your mind around all this, it's inconceivable to our brains, it takes a good long while to begin to comprehend how can this be!

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Would you mind describing how you talk with George? I'd be very interested to hear. I'll understand if not. 

I just had a mini meltdown over the silliest thing. I looked in the mirror and realised I need a haircut. It struck me that the last haircut I had was the last Saturday night S was out on the town. She went out every Saturday night, and loved the nightlife. I was out that night too, separately, but couldn't meet her that night. Little did we know that was to be her last night out ever, and a few days later would go into hospital, only coming out to pass at home 6 weeks later. My longer than usual hair represents the timeline of S's final journey.  

Love and grief together as a package. Why can't the grief come first?   

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I think in a way the grief did come first...my life without him in it, before meeting him, it's like everything prepared us for each other, the culmination of his and my life together...and now, back to the life without....only now I KNOW what I'm missing.

I talk aloud to him in my head or out loud, it doesn't matter, I cry out to him.  I don't know if he hears me or not but I figure it doesn't hurt to try!

I know we will be with them again!  I have this statement embedded in all my posts, We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time

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I don't know, I'm going through it with my sister, she's been there my whole life, the only one that listened and cared since George died.  :(  Still in shock, I catch myself babbling incoherently to people, strangers, it doesn't matter who.

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Slight issue, I was wondering if anybody could give me their perspective or thoughts.

S sadly passed 11 nights ago. Her son's last text that night said "I'll keep you updated", implying the funeral etc. But I've heard nothing and I'm getting a bit twitchy. I whole-heartedly understand they have a lot on their plate and this time is stressful and grief stricken, and my thoughts are firmly with them. So I want to be as sensitive and tactful as possible, and don't want to pester them by ringing. However, I'm slightly worried I might have been forgotten, or there's been a mis-communication, and I may miss her funeral. Also, I don't want to appear uncaring by remaining silent, and feel I should call. 

I don't know what to do. Should I call her family? Or wait it out a while longer? I've never lost anybody before, so never been in a situation quite as delicate as this. 

 

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1 hour ago, Steve79 said:

Slight issue, I was wondering if anybody could give me their perspective or thoughts.

S sadly passed 11 nights ago. Her son's last text that night said "I'll keep you updated", implying the funeral etc. But I've heard nothing and I'm getting a bit twitchy. I whole-heartedly understand they have a lot on their plate and this time is stressful and grief stricken, and my thoughts are firmly with them. So I want to be as sensitive and tactful as possible, and don't want to pester them by ringing. However, I'm slightly worried I might have been forgotten, or there's been a mis-communication, and I may miss her funeral. Also, I don't want to appear uncaring by remaining silent, and feel I should call. 

I don't know what to do. Should I call her family? Or wait it out a while longer? I've never lost anybody before, so never been in a situation quite as delicate as this. 

 

Hi Steve....I am so sorry for your loss. I've just now read through this terrible trauma you've been put through. I apologize for not engaging in your discussion on all of this until now....blame it on the messiness of our grief-stricken, clouded minds! I will say that your observations of lack of support from family and friends and questioning everything certainly resonated with me. Loss is horrible but I'm now seeing that grief can be the life-changer...hopefully for the better...if we let it. 

In answer to your current issue, I know that on this side of the pond, the family usually posts a death notice in their local district. My partner Tom's notice was posted through the funeral website but it was also in the local newspaper. Have you tried doing an online search for a notice? That's the first place to start. If there's nothing there, I don't see any reason at all not to contact someone in her family. Your love for S is of absolute importance. Connecting with a close member of her family will do both of you good as it gives you both the chance to express the love for her. I've been staying in touch with Tom's adult children, his sister and a loved niece throughout this time. It keeps me connected to Tom and that's something that I know that I need. 

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@DWS @Canadagirl81 @KayC

 

Thank you all. I appreciate your thoughts. I just feel by ringing I'm implying I don't trust them. I'll give it another two days, til Friday, and that's exactly 2 weeks since S passed. Then I'll chase up. I'm not sure about that side of the pond, but in the UK funerals can often take place 3 or 4 weeks later. 

DWS please don't apologise. I don't expect anybody to write in my threads. I certainly don't have the time or energy to post in everybody's. I'm grateful for a single reply. Ah... the friends thing. I was most stunned at how I didn't receive one message from anybody this whole time simply asking "how are you?", despite me outwardly not being ok. I broke down and cried in front of people who have never seen me cry after knowing me for decades. That's what upset me. I was so obviously not ok. I've always been the strong one, the sound board for them to blow off steam about everything. When I did see them, blowing off their steam for 2 hours and not asking once how I was hurt the most, because it felt incredibly dismissive. It's changed my entire perspective on friendship, relationships, and love. The only thing I can say in mitigation for them is that I don't know one person who has experienced a loss of a romantic partner. I hardly know anybody that's experienced a significant loss from death at all. So perhaps none of them could grasp the gravity and depth of what bereavement actually is - the ongoing mix of extreme negative emotions which run to the level of existential anguish and panic. It's a true crisis. Anyway, I don't mean to dwell. 

There's a local newspaper which reports all local deaths, and often the funeral arrangements. This week they're still reporting deaths from around 12-15 March. S died on 26th, so I don't think she will show in the newspaper until at least this week (it comes out every Thurs, so might show tomorrow). On that note, it will be surreal seeing her name in the obituaries column. 

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My sister put an obit. together for Peggy but my other sister said not to mention her dancing (Peggy TAUGHT ballroom dancing when she was young!  AND demonstrated fencing on t.v.!)  I don't understand why it shouldn't be mentioned?  A tidbit her friends might find interesting!  She wasn't always this old person that sat in her chair and fell a lot.  😒

Here we have to pay for obituaries since the newspaper sold.  they're publishing all of March and even one from Jan. and one from Feb.!  So it takes 2-4 weeks usually it's looks like.

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@KayC In situations like that, I'd be asking "What would Peggy want me to say?", and I'd run with that. I do hope you're getting through this ok. 

 

My funeral problem is solved. I rang S's son, since it's been two weeks today since she passed, and had a lovely 20 minute conversation about S. She didn't want a normal funeral service, so there won't be one. She wanted a joyous end of life celebration event, so that's happening in two weeks. In other words, a big party! That's how S would like to think of it, as she loved a good party. The theme will be wearing either a shirt of her football team, or something the same colour... which certainly isn't black.

We chatted about S, and her final moments. She did what a lot of dying people do. Around midnight her son quickly dropped her sister at home, and drove back to S. He'd been gone just 10 minutes. S passed away in those 10 minutes whilst alone. She knew what she was doing. 

Having this conversation with her son just now brought a lot of emotions for me. I've been half ok the past few days, but I'm having a long wave right now, like my grief is now deepening a little. I prey I get through the event without drowning in tears. 

I've said it 100 times, I'll say it again, I cannot believe she's gone. My heart doesn't grasp this concept. 

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So glad that you connected with S's son. I imagine both of you were able to grab a little comfort in those 20 minutes totally focused and devoted on S and hopefully, you're able to find some solace in knowing that you weren't forgotten or missed any funeral plans. You now have some of the answers that you've been needing and that should relieve some of this stress you've been under. Now, you can focus on your grief. That seems to be what they say we need to do. I'm still trying to understand how and where that will take me.

I have been intrigued with what a grief specialist spoke of in her video regarding loss and grief as two different things. Loss captures the presence of their absence in your life whereas grief captures the absence of their presence in your life. Loss means missing them in your life and it's about them. Grief is about addressing your life without them so it's about you. My assumption from this is that we first have to deal with the loss and it's only from there, we can truly begin to grieve. Accepting the loss...accepting that horrible reality....is what so many of us here are having to come to grips with. I still wonder if I've done that. 

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@DWS Thank you. 

I went out today and bought a t-shirt in the right colour, and hopefully have it printed with her name, and a big number 1, as a sort of mock football shirt resembling her team, ready for her party/event. She'd absolutely love that if she knew that's what I was doing. I felt incredibly sad walking around the shops to buy that shirt, and despite lots of people walking around, it felt empty and lonely. I was in the vicinity of where I met her, where we used to go together, and she spent her whole life in this town, which despite having 250,000 population, just feels so empty without her in it. I just kept imagining her walking in and out of this shop, or that building, or driving down this street, or that road. 

Since I spoke to S's son, I've been in a terrible state of mind, and am definitely crying more than I have yet. The tears just keep coming, and I feel permanently on the edge of something fragile and deep. That conversation has flicked an emotional switch for me, opening the flood gates. Her body is being cremated this coming Wednesday, and I think that news brought it home to me, that her body won't exist soon, and even though I've not seen her lifeless body, nor do I want to, it's causing me pain that's it's being 'erased' so to speak - meaning her death is now so very real. You're right, now I have some more clarity about what's happening soon, her end of life celebration date, and about her moment of passing, etc, I am now focusing on my grief. The scary thing about it is, aside from people I know online, I'm totally on my own with it, as I get so little acknowledgment or support from my non-online friends and family. The ONE person who would have really helped me through a period of grief is S! 

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18 hours ago, Steve79 said:

@KayC In situations like that, I'd be asking "What would Peggy want me to say?", and I'd run with that. I do hope you're getting through this ok. 

It's out of my hands, Polly is doing it so it depends on she goes by Julie's input or not. ;)  Either way, I appreciate her doing it!

18 hours ago, Steve79 said:

I cannot believe she's gone. My heart doesn't grasp this concept. 

I'm feeling this way about my sister, I have no idea how long it will take for me to fully realize it, right now it just seems unreal, all of it!

41 minutes ago, Steve79 said:

She'd absolutely love that if she knew that's what I was doing.

And who knows?  Maybe she does!  I like to think they do, but so much unknown about that world...still if it brings us comfort, I like to think about it that way.

 

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Sorry, I have to keep posting in this thread, it's one of my few outlets, it helps to just write this and put it out there. It's all hitting me so hard now. I can't go anywhere without feeling so very fragile. The slightest thing makes me want to burst into tears. A song in a supermarket which might somehow link with S, or somebody who looks a bit down on their luck, or just anything. Then almost every time I walk through my door, I break down. I'm afraid of being stuck raw like this forever, because I can't imagine it being any other way at the moment.  

The days just spread out like a blank canvas to be painted, but I've no motivation to paint. When I'm at work, I want to be home. When I'm at home, I want to be at work. When I'm alone, I want to be with friends, when I'm with friends, I want to stay with them. 

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52 minutes ago, Steve79 said:

Sorry, I have to keep posting in this thread, it's one of my few outlets, it helps to just write this and put it out there. It's all hitting me so hard now. I can't go anywhere without feeling so very fragile. The slightest thing makes me want to burst into tears. A song in a supermarket which might somehow link with S, or somebody who looks a bit down on their luck, or just anything. Then almost every time I walk through my door, I break down. I'm afraid of being stuck raw like this forever, because I can't imagine it being any other way at the moment.  

The days just spread out like a blank canvas to be painted, but I've no motivation to paint. When I'm at work, I want to be home. When I'm at home, I want to be at work. When I'm alone, I want to be with friends, when I'm with friends, I want to stay with them. 

Everything you wrote has been exactly how I've been feeling so I'm glad for your need to post and get it out. Every trip out to the grocery store has been a huge chore. I get there, grab what I need, use self-checkout to pay so that I don't have to do small talk with a cashier, and then get the hell out to my van. The tears would start once I was on the return trip home although I will say that things are getting a bit easier now. I'm able to wait until I get in the door but the tears happen as I put the groceries away. I'm keeping it in mind that this is all legitimate, sincere human emotion and reaction. Self-care and being extra kind to yourself is a necessity. 

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14 minutes ago, DWS said:

Everything you wrote has been exactly how I've been feeling so I'm glad for your need to post and get it out. Every trip out to the grocery store has been a huge chore. I get there, grab what I need, use self-checkout to pay so that I don't have to do small talk with a cashier, and then get the hell out to my van. The tears would start once I was on the return trip home although I will say that things are getting a bit easier now. I'm able to wait until I get in the door but the tears happen as I put the groceries away. I'm keeping it in mind that this is all legitimate, sincere human emotion and reaction. Self-care and being extra kind to yourself is a necessity. 

Yes, what is it specifically about grocery shopping, driving home, getting through the door, and especially putting the groceries away? The whole "going out shopping" thing is a real trigger for me, and I seem to weep putting the groceries away. 

I've always lived alone, and didn't live with S, so it's certainly not something we ever did together. Yet this seemingly banal chore, and everything within it, sets me off almost every time. Plus, yes, it's a huge chore! Everything is right now. 

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It could be that grocery shopping is a humble, weekly household necessity. It plays a part in our self-care so despite this emotional pain, we are paying loving attention to our health and well-being.

Tom and I lived separately...three hours apart...but he was here most weekends so I made my grocery trips with meal plans for both of us in mind. I delighted in finding any treats that might be on sale for us to snack on. We would also enjoy grocery shopping together and playfully bicker when a bag of potato chips or cookies ended up in the basket. And now, I'm back to shopping for one and that hurts tremendously. Certain food items are lasting much longer than before. I've had to re-adjust the amount of things that I buy. I hate it! 

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14 minutes ago, DWS said:

I've had to re-adjust the amount of things that I buy.

That was really hard for me as well.  We are fortunate enough to live in a semi-rural area with mostly temperate climate, so we have year round farmers markets.  I couldn't bring myself to go to our usual ones for the first couple of months, despite it being bountiful summer season.  I finally decided to brave it one Saturday morning to try to get some end-of-the-season peaches and stock up.  The entire 30 minutes I managed were an exercise in pain and frustration. 

I picked out six Persian cucumbers (our favorite) and then realized I was buying just for me.  I started to cry quietly as I put three of them back.  The grower is one we've bought from for years.  I explained.  He said he was sorry and had wondered why he hadn't seen us.  Then he handed me my cucumbers and waved away my money.  That happened with several growers we've known for a long time.  I'd pick up a large bunch of grapes and then realize it was too much for me, so I'd put it back and choose a small one.  I'd load a bag with apples and then remember, so I'd fish through and put back the big ones.  Each time, I'd explain what happened and each time they would sincerely say "I'm so sorry" and hand me whatever I had intended to buy. 

The hardest was our peach grower.  It's a family-run orchard and the parents wisely send their three kind, lovely daughters to our markets (university community, so lots of students).  My John had an amazing ability of letting women, young and old, know he admired them as human beings as well as women.  So they would flirt with him a little and he would flirt back.  It was terribly sweet.  I had to tell them why we hadn't been to the market for most of the season.  They said they would miss him, they were so sorry to hear I had lost him, and I could tell their condolences were sincere--and I brought home an overflowing flat of peaches.  It's a crappy way to end up with complimentary produce, for sure, but I appreciated the gesture from all our growers.  It was the only way they could show they cared and I appreciated it.  But boy, oh boy, did I sob on the way home.  I had to pull over twice.

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16 hours ago, Steve79 said:

Sorry, I have to keep posting in this thread, it's one of my few outlets, it helps to just write this and put it out there.

No apologies needed, ever!  That's what this place is here for!  Sometimes it's all we have to keep us half sane.

What you write is how I'm feeling...yesterday I wanted so much to have lunch with a friend, but resisted because of the cost of it, yet I find when I'm supposed to go somewhere I want to stay home.  It seems no one calls but when someone does it sometimes feels an intrusion and I don't answer (those who want to talk 1 1/2 hours just looking for me to kill time for them, ugh, no!) I have to honor how I'm feeling in the moment.

15 hours ago, DWS said:

I'm keeping it in mind that this is all legitimate, sincere human emotion and reaction. Self-care and being extra kind to yourself is a necessity. 

Yes!

OMG I can relate to the groceries thing, when I lost George, wow, one of my biggest triggers/hurdles!  He LOVED to eat and I loved to please him!  It was an us thing.  It was hard to even think about food then...my daughter stayed with me for a few months, gradually becoming away more and more until she was just gone, I don't know what I'd have done without her in those early days.  II'd made one of George's favorite dishes Broccoli/Chicken/Rice with Cheddar & mayo in it, it was super good....I'd made it for him to eat on while I was at my sister's reunion, instead he was in the hospital and died...I came home to that in the refrigerator, untouched, and just about lost it. :(

 

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Canadagirl81

Have to jump in here on the groceries thing. I cooked for Glenn and I and now it's just cooking for little ol' me. I've had to make many adjustments and going to the store is painful and sad. We used to dance in the aisles and get really silly in there. Now it's this somber, boring nothing thing and I miss him trying to sneak oreos into the cart.
I can't believe this is real. 

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@Steve79im so sorry. You were so excited to get better to go see her. The finality of it all doesn't make it any better. You had a bond with her which deepened and now you are facing the totality of your loss.  You're not anticipating it any more it's front and center.  Please continue to share your feelings.  It's not foreign to us. Seeing pictures was so hard for me too and still is. I just feel this is a never ending cycle of ups and downs. Cry as often as you see fit.  We are here for you . 

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10 hours ago, Steve79 said:

I even asked the universe/God/whatever to kill me last night, so I could be with S, as I cried myself to sleep. 

@Steve79  This, I can totally relate to. Been there, done that (still do at times).  I can look at my beautiful wife's pictures, and I talk to them/her, but for some reason I can't listen to her voice recordings. Grief makes no sense.

So so sorry Steve. It doesnt matter what name you give to your relationship; you shared a bond and thats all that counts, and of course you feel the way you do.

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Steve, many of us have found our love for our person deepened all the more after they died, if possible!  Partly appreciation, partly discovery, perhaps maturity/learning/growing on our part.  Circumstances vary, but each of us realize what they meant to us!  Marriage has little to do with it, nor length of relationship...we had connection, intertwining us together.
I'm sorry this is so painful.  I've learned there is no way through this but straight through it, to process it.:wub:  You are doing that.  Tell her how you feel.

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Thank you @RN-Nix, @Jemiga70, and @KayC, your words, insight, and understanding mean so much to me. 

Jemiga70, I identify with that. Listening to S's voice.. just..no.. There's no going there for me. I prayed no videos would be played at her life celebration event the other night. My prayers were answered. Her photos were painful enough.

 

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@steve79there are times when I'm forced to listen to his voice on my messages because I go through everyone to resave them on my phone. As sad as it is it brings me comfort because it seems like he is right there. If it makes me cry I go with the feeling bc I know the goal is to re save them so they will always be there.  Nothing will ease our pain. Not even avoidance. Everything is just difficult. It's weird but sometimes I get a rush of adrenaline and I get excited and say I can't wait to see you again as if my time is near.  I'm convinced when that time comes he will be the first to greet me. So many of us are suffering but we have to remain hopeful and go with whatever the hour brings . 

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14 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

I'm convinced when that time comes he will be the first to greet me. 

A conviction I share with you. 

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George's voice was in my answering machine.  A few days after he died, the ans. mach. tape was full and wound back to the beginning, erasing them all.  I felt like I lost him all over again.  No one thinks of these things when they've just lost them!  Our brains can't think.  We're in shock, fog.  It's one thing to not want to listen to them, it's another to have that option taken from you for all time.  

Right now everything is painful for you.  In time, on this journey, instead of bringing pain these very things might bring a smile as you remember her.  Wow is it a process.

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