This is what I am doing...

[MrX]

UPDATED: 10/2022
If this is your first time reading my post, PLEASE read below as I added some tips and other things that truly helped me. I truly hope as I bare my feelings many now months after the fact of my initial loss, that SOME of what I write here helps others out. Again, to stress the point... Every one is different and grieves differently. For "me" I find that I am a lot better than I was, it really does takes TIME.. don't think you can rush the process... You can't.

It's been a bit over 10 months since my Father passed away suddenly.. I do feel a lot better and more myself. I stated below some people say that you are never quite the same again after your parent(s) pass away and I 100% agree that is true. FOR ME, I find myself planning each day off that I have to do the things that I really want to do. That reality of things REALLY DO end is something that I will never forget. I do still break down for a little bit here and there, if I think about him or look at his picture, it just a few tears but and then back the realization that my Father is not here and is in a better place and yes I truly believe that. When I think of something that I used to do with him or something new that I wanted to tell him. I really do think it is very important to think of him and look at his picture from time to time and actually talk to him in my mind. I think it's important not to simply get his loss out of my mind and "get over it" as many insensitive people say. He is not coming back.. It is what it is. It also help me, to tell myself when those in-between sad times comes around that my Father told me: "there is nothing that could be done"... "That's life"... And "You need to keep going on, and do the best you can do".... And also that he loves me and is looking out for me and my family still.

One last thing that I need to share with you who reads this. Is you will find many people just "won't get it"... I dislike saying that but it's 100% true. Some of us have better relationships with our loved ones, than others. Please know that some people will never relate to your loss, it's a good thing in your mind to feel sorry FOR THEM and simply to forgive them for not having that sort of bond that you had with your loved one. Please read more things that I wrote below.. and I pray that some of that may help you in your grieving process:
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I notice there is a lot of people that join this "circle" in the past months. I hope, that with the passing of my Father, this may help others out there.

I also decided to update this one posting here, and hopefully some of the information here with again help others out there like me that are grieving, as everyone grieves differently.

Losing my parents was one thing that I was dreading the most, so when my Father passed away suddenly it very much rocked me to my core. Some people say.. that you are never quite the same again, and I believe that. To me I have to rebuild myself and part of that is self-care during this huge grieving process. 

I have a routine now that is not set in stone or a solid schedule, but seems to be helping me. Enough to feel strong enough to write this out to all of you.

Some tips I like to share that seem to be comforting me and my loss and I hope maybe some of this may help you, as everyone is different in the grieving process.

- Other than sharing my feelings on the site here (great kind people on this site!) I've also listening to grief audio pod casts on Spotify and also watching grief videos on YouTube.

- The "7 stages are grief" is not linear (you will hear and read that over and over again) and everyone experiences things differently. In the first few months, I tend to cry more and feel depressed more at night in bed as it is quiet. And then very early morning I sometimes feel some anxiety like I NEED to help my family or I need to be doing something more or I should be worrying more about someone or something, and I do sometimes wake up very early in the morning.. It's the same type of feeling in my gut, I had during my entire trip to see my Father at his wake and burial... That anxiety was part of the grieving process.

- What helps ME, with my grief and my anxiety is saying to myself "one day at a time", it's my saying or mantra.... That is all I can do now. Like I posted in the paragraph above sometimes, even during the day that anxiety feeling tries to creep in... and I tell myself again "one day at a time, that is all I can do. I'll get there at some point." - That helps again me.

- I do take over the counter melatonin to help me sleep, but sometimes I don't like to take that every night, those nights that I'm "feeling it" more as it is quiet, what helps again me is to put on my headphones and listen to my tablet in bed. Again, some grief podcast or youtube videos... And it helps me emotionally and also I get tired a bit more and are able to get some sleep. Sleep is the most important thing that gets negated because of grief.

- I have been setting one goal loosely for whatever that next day is, and that is the only thing that I do... (like cleaning my home office, I'm a pack rat like my dad, gotta get more room in here). BUT if I not able to do that "one thing" I cut myself some slack as well.

- Also what I do during the day is mediate on my loss and grief, I set LOOSELY like a 1/2 hour for that give or take and again I give myself some slack. Sometimes, I think in my head like I am talking to my Father on how I'm feel and sure I cry at times.. That is going to happen and it's good not to keep those feelings inside. Other times I again watch videos on grief or listen to audio podcasts on grief to help me. Or maybe I'll do a hobby that my Dad and I liked to do, even a similar interest that we both talked about and shared about... That also helps.

- Doing a physical activity helps as well. Walking, running, Tai Chi Chuan (TaijiQuan), boxing, anything that gets you up and moving. If you are tired, you may want to do some sort of physical activity more towards night time as that may help you towards falling asleep as well. Everyone is again different so this may or may not help you. I find it good to release some energy this way, it seems to help me get rid of some of the anxiety and other feelings and it's good to try to keep in shape (and trust me, I am not as physically fit as I should be! ) 

- One thing I was doing is listening to some sad music that was in the style or genre of music that my Father liked. The thing that I found out, that this made me cry but after a short while, it was not of benefit again TO ME... So I stopped listening to those songs. I know as I keep going forward there may be some things that I will eventually stop doing when I get more to the "acceptance" part of the grieving process.... And again whenever I finally get there. I know, that again there is no right or wrong answer to when I will stop doing this or that.. I have honored my fathers memory and legacy and I will keep doing so. I also plan to do something on the anniversary date of his passing in 2023.

- Let your feelings guide you.To add to above paragraph, don't stop doing the things you like to do. If you did something like a hobby with the one that your are grieving about. Sure, if it is too much right now to do those things, stop doing them on a temporary basis! Your loved one, would WANT you to continue a hobby that you and they did together or maybe shared interest in. If you need some time great... And only you can say when that time comes around again that you feel 100% up to doing that hobby that you enjoy.

- The other self-care tip that I like to pass, is YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It feels sometimes like you over "here" and everyone else is "over there", remember there are a lot of people out there not right next to you per se, that have lost a loved one as in today, right now and even the same day you did. Thinking about that, helped me get past the alone part a bit more.. At least gave me a bit more resolve after that fact.

- You will find people talk about this and it's true. I've had a few people say things like "don't worry, you'll get over it" Or "things will be better soon" to even some people not caring or acknowledge my loss at all. Even though other people may "misplace" their words to you, or even avoid the subject or disregard you all together. Sometimes those people do not even know what to say correctly. You will also find this at your workplace as well. The main thing to remember there ARE others out here that are going though the grieving process, and no matter if it's the first day or the 100th day since your loss, everyone grieves differently and your loss MATTERS! Your loved one matters... and YOU.. yourself MATTER! Remember there is not set time when the grieving process will be completed or anything in-between... Practicing self-care.. is the first and foremost thing going forward.

 

[MrX]

Updated 10-2022