My daughter died of a drug overdose 3 days ago

[DeeDee61]

My only child, my best friend, died of a drug overdose 3 days ago.  She was 37, she was the light of my life.  She struggled with mental health issues for the last 15 years or so.  We talked every day last week, as she was going through a bad break up with her boyfriend of 4 years.  She was "clean" for 10 years and I am destroyed right now.  I struggle with what I may have said to "trigger" her, what I could has said to stop her and how I am going to go on for the rest of my life without her.  I know this pain is fresh and time will heal me, but I also know I will be changed forever and I feel I will never be happy again. I keep thinking of everything she didn't get to do and WHY did this happen, WHY didn't she call me, WHY, WHY, WHY?   I can't bear the pain.

[Conpie]

I am new to this site and am very sorry for your loss.  My son died of an overdose on 1/27/22, his fathers birthday.  I hear everything you are saying and more.  My soul has been crushed.  My son was 22 and lived at home.  We found him and are now beyond crushed.  But i will tell you we have already applied with our local "caring place" for family counseling.  We also have a 17 yo son.  At the moment I am calmly sitting and not crying but that has changed from min to min.  I will check back , if you need to vent and know you are not alone.  Support chats are my lifeline right now.

Cheryl

[DeeDee61]

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.  I will pray for you, your son and your family.  As mothers this loss we have is seems so unbearable, then add the way our babies passed and I'm not sure how we are expected to go on, I feel your heartbreak, I feel you burden, I feel your pain.  I think the questions we have will never go away and we will never know the whys or what ifs.  I keep wondering what triggered her, I go over the last conversations we had, what should I have said differently...they say that is normal, so I know you probably feel as I do and think the same things. I found another support group called GRASP; it is for loved ones that passed due to substance abuse, they have a facebook page, you should look at that site. Our loss is "different", it is no larger or smaller than anyone else's loss but losing someone to an overdose is different.  I went to church today for the first time in a few years.  I wanted God to know that I will accept what happened, that I will live a life that will honor her, that I will never forget her.  I will not be ashamed of how she died, I will not be angry at her, I will talk about her always.  I will love her always.  I am so, so sorry you have to go through this, I am so, so sorry I do too.  I will be here to talk to you, I will hear all you say, I will read all your posts.  My daughter's name was Chantel, they printed her obituary in the paper today, it showed all her accomplishments, I will not let the way she died define her.  She was more than her addiction.  I weep for the way you found your son, I weep for you as his mother.  No one knows a mother's pain, but another mother.  Hugs and prayers.  Dee Dee 

[Conpie]

Dee Dee

I am so sorry we had to meet this way.  As for triggers--it may not have been you.  Some day I will tell you a very complicated story of my son.  But for now I will tell you he was addicted at birth, diagnosed as bipolar at a young age and per state guidelines could refuse to take his meds at 14 yo.  He went from honor roll to dropping out and ended up using heroin.  He had been clean 8 months.  Swore he would never us again.  What triggered him--many things.  He grandparents are dying and they were his world.  His cousin died Dec 10 2021, his work was on hold for 2 weeks due to being out of town work and his wasn't feeling well when they went out of town(he had quit taking his saboxon but didn't tell anyone.  He recently found his bio dad and he was an addict also.  Time on his hands was always Connors enemy.  Winters alone triggered him.  I should have known!  The day before he died, I figured out he was snorting pills but never thought he would shoot up.  I wish I could share my other son=Daniel with you.  He is the reason I am getting through this.  Connor had started attending church in the last 6 months on his own.  We have now also decided to attend church but havent decided where.  Tonight is working on obituary and pictures and tomorrow will be flowers.  I pray you have someone to be there and help you.  I will be there for you whenever you need to talk.  Say anything.  I have most likely already screamed it!  

Cheryl

[DeeDee61]

Cheryl,

I do have loving family surrounding me, for this I am thankful.  I will be thinking of you tonight as you work on Connor's obituary.  I will pray for some peace for you, your family and especially Daniel. Post here as you need to, and I will do the same. Stay strong my friend and be kind to yourself.  Together, perhaps we can help each other through this.

Dee Dee

[Conpie]

Your words touch my heart.  Just wanted to say that both boys were adopted.  

[Conpie]

mental breakdown 3 and 4 for the day just happened back to back.  Today is gonna be long and hard.  How are you doing?  I was on paxil for several years but it gave me a flat affect and I really didn't care about anything.  Thinking that wouldn't be so bad right now.

 

[DeeDee61]

Hello my friend. 

I am so sorry you are having such a horrible day.  This is a tough road we have ahead of us with no answers or tricks to make it easier.  I understand how you feel, sometimes I want to just sleep the day away and forget.  I look at the clock and think how many more hours until I can go to sleep.  I am taking sleeping pills to help me, but then I am jolted awake with a heartache so bad, I don't think I can bear it.  I said in an earlier post that I went to church.  I was brought up Catholic, but moved away from the church, not really for any reason, I just didn't have a strong enough faith to keep going.  Now, the only way I have peace is to have the belief I will be with her someday.  If I didn't believe that I don't know how I would be able to be sane. I was on anti-depressants a long time ago...same thing, I didn't like how I felt, I felt "flat" as you say.  I'm not sure that wouldn't be a better way to feel right now.

I'll tell you about Chantel, she was "bubbly" and always "happy" she had a smile that could light up a room.  But she had low self-esteem, she dealt with weight issues, she made horrible life choices, she was arrested, she was depressed, she had anxiety and she cried all the time. No one knew this but a few close family members.  She was embarrassed about her past drug use and scared because she was afraid she would lose her job and everything she worked for, if her current employer knew about her past.  I think she was clean for about 10 years, but then again, I didn't think she would use again, and I was wrong, so who knows.  She had a BA in criminology/criminal justice and a master's in counseling and psychology.  In her career, she worked in the substance abuse field, which totally makes no sense to me.  Her last job was working as a case manager with a nationwide non-profit charity.  She worked with homeless veterans. I was proud of her, and I wish I would have told her.  I hope she knew.  

One more thing I want to tell you that is helping me.  I found a place in the house that I go to every morning by myself.  I write Chantel about what I did the day before.  I cry (sob), and I feel sorry for myself that I will not see her.  I keep writing, mostly nonsense, but I write anyway.  This morning I only wrote two lines.  "Today my heart weeps for you.  You should be on your way to work".   All I could think about is she would call me most mornings on her way to work....  Then I wipe my tears, when I am ready, and I try and not think of her all day.  

When you are ready, tell me about Connor.

Dee Dee

[Wanda linder]

On 1/24/2022 at 5:10 AM, DeeDee61 said:

My only child, my best friend, died of a drug overdose 3 days ago.  She was 37, she was the light of my life.  She struggled with mental health issues for the last 15 years or so.  We talked every day last week, as she was going through a bad break up with her boyfriend of 4 years.  She was "clean" for 10 years and I am destroyed right now.  I struggle with what I may have said to "trigger" her, what I could has said to stop her and how I am going to go on for the rest of my life without her.  I know this pain is fresh and time will heal me, but I also know I will be changed forever and I feel I will never be happy again. I keep thinking of everything she didn't get to do and WHY did this happen, WHY didn't she call me, WHY, WHY, WHY?   I can't bear the pain.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 37 yr. Old son this past August. We don't know why he was killed. No answers. I think that makes it even harder. I'm here if you need to talk,I know your pain.

[Judith fay]

On 1/24/2022 at 4:10 AM, DeeDee61 said:

My only child, my best friend, died of a drug overdose 3 days ago.  She was 37, she was the light of my life.  She struggled with mental health issues for the last 15 years or so.  We talked every day last week, as she was going through a bad break up with her boyfriend of 4 years.  She was "clean" for 10 years and I am destroyed right now.  I struggle with what I may have said to "trigger" her, what I could has said to stop her and how I am going to go on for the rest of my life without her.  I know this pain is fresh and time will heal me, but I also know I will be changed forever and I feel I will never be happy again. I keep thinking of everything she didn't get to do and WHY did this happen, WHY didn't she call me, WHY, WHY, WHY?   I can't bear the pain.

DeeDee61,

I lost my daughter to a drug overdose too.I struggle daily wondering why. My Christina left behind 2 boys she was 33its been over a year since she died. She was my best Friend. I'm  sorry that you lost your girl. I know you pain. I wish I could tell you it get easier but for me it not been. When she died a piece of me died with her

Hold on to all your memories she will always be with you.

Mom of Christina

[Mary kissr]

Oh dee dee.  I am so sad for you.  My daughter was 32 when she passed four years ago.  I had no idea she was using but she had heroine, cocaine and weed in her blood .  I know what it is like to blame yourself.  I should have talked to her more the last week or two before her death.  Should have done a lot of things.  I have to forgive myself as her mom.  Like you, we do the best we can with what we have.  Remember, we are human and not perfect.  There are other things that are going on in our lives and we are busy.  I have to forgive myself for not being perfect.  I also forgive my daughter.  She, as an adult, was ultimately responsible for her actions.  She was a responsible person.  We, as parents, just can’t control everything.  I hope you can eventually accept what has happened.  You will be okay.  Try to get through the hardest first year 

[DeeDee61]

Thank you, Mary, and everyone else who has reached out to me.  I am grieving, but I am accepting.  I will never be angry at my daughter; it was an accident and I do not believe she meant for this to happen.  I know she knew I loved her through the good times and the bad times.  I had to be tough sometimes, but through it all I loved her, and I know she loved me.  My grief right now is that I know I will never see her again, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go on, but I will lean on God and hope he shows me the way to healing.  I know that I will never be the same, I will work on forgiving myself and hopefully will be a better person and make a difference in this World.  I too, think we all need to be kinder on ourselves. I wish you all love and prayers.  Dee Dee 

[Mary kissr]

I am sorry.  I meant my reply for Judith, specifically, or anyone of course 

[Mary kissr]

Thank you dee dee.  Yes, I have become a lot more spiritual.  That is one good thing and I strongly depend on that connection.

I know Heidi didn’t mean to kill herself.  But, I do need to realize that she did make her own decision to take the drugs. I can’t be responsible for her decisions.  I do wish I would have done things differently the last few weeks she was alive.   I have to keep reminding myself not to obsess on that and to be gentle with myself 

[Conpie]

DeeDee,

Today is Day 11 for me.  Yesterday was the service and it was Beautiful.  How are you doing?  I know your loss was several days before mine.  Just the silence today and with everything done.  Now what?  im just sitting here, not mad, not angry--just lost.  When my son was alive I would take him to church and then we would grocery shop and talk or on bad days argue.  Now nothing.  It's 20 outside so a walk is out of the question.  When im stressed I normally clean but that doesn't even seem like something I could do right now.  We (husband, younger son and myself have played cards a lot).  That may be the thing to do today.  

I just wanted to check on you.  Were you able to have a service?  How are you feeling

Cheryl

[Mary kissr]

Cheryl.  I am so sorry.  Sundays are the worst day of the week.  I was working after Heidi passed and was very busy at work.  That and my husband’s and a best friend’s support were the only things that helped.  
for now, a minute/hour at a time.   Every day in the first year is hard.  
maybe just have getting through the first year as a goal?  

[DeeDee61]

Cheryl,

I'm happy Connor's service was beautiful.  We did not have a service for Chantel, we are having a celebration of life in March.  Her family is scattered around, and her father thought it was best (he lives in the same city she did).  Her remains are being sent to me, they are supposed to arrive tomorrow.  I just literally two hours ago received her personal effects by fed-x that her father sent to me from her apartment......they fit in one box, that made me sad.  She had kept a birthday card I sent her that I had underlined how happy I was to have her as a daughter, that made me happy and sad.

I retired on Dec. 31st, so I don't have a job to keep me occupied.  I try and stay busy by volunteering, but when I'm not doing that, I don't have the energy to do anything.  I barely clean the house and can't summon up the energy to do much else.  Chantel and I talked at least 5 to 10 times a week, we were constantly on the phone.  I picked up my phone to call her 3 or 4 times this week and then remembered......

I understand your emptiness, which has to be so much harder since Connor lived with you.  I don't know what to say, I think we both have to give it time.  I live in Florida, so I am able to get out and walk and being outside helps me.  I like being alone, so I can sob and talk to her and feel alive.  I don't think anyone around me understands.... they say they do, but they can't fully comprehend.  I sometimes feel like my heart is broken, literally broken and i start rubbing my chest to make the ache go away. 

I am just filling up the hours, until I can figure out what my new life is.  Playing cards seems like a good thing to do.  It occupies your time and your son and husband's time.  I find that if I commit to something (like volunteering, where I have to be somewhere at a certain time), I have to leave the house (even though i don't want to).  I'm not leaving the house today; I'm just doing nothing.

Stay strong Cheryl.  We have a lot of life to live (right now, I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but that is our reality).  We will have joy and happiness in between our sorrow.  I'm not sure when, but it will happen.  Until then, fill your time with mundane things.... allow your heart and body to heal, that is my plan because I have no other plan.

Dee Dee 

 

 

[Conpie]

Thank you for your very wise words.  Your daughter sounds so lovely.  I also have very few items left from my son, he sold most things.  

Anyway I took the puppy on a mile long walk and it helped us both.  He is tired and my head is clear.  I really needed that.  I am starting  back to church next weekend and that will fill some of my time.  I go back to work tomorrow and that scares me but i do have caring coworkers and a place to go if i need alone time alone.  One day at a time.  I am actually going to cook for the first time tonight so that will also be productive.  

I would bring you to work with me if I could.  I have been writing a journal to my son on another area of this site.  It is to him but anyone can read it.  It seems to help me and remind me that we did everything we could and more.  

The counselor is calling back on Monday and we will be starting family/group sessions.  The first hour is for all the families eating dinner together and then they break off into groups by age/children and then adults for another hour once a week.  That should help fill some time.  

Cheryl

[DeeDee61]

Cheryl,

I read your journals.  You are an amazing mother and the pain and hardship you have gone through over the years breaks my heart.  Loving our children through all the difficulties they had was the hardest thing God could possibly have given us to do, but also the biggest gift.  We had good times, we had love and we gave them love. We were lucky to have had Connor and Chantel and they were lucky to have had us.  God gave them to us to take care of them and we did.  I can't imagine their lives without us loving and caring for them.  I would give anything to have made my daughter happy and whole and I know you would have done the same. 

Good luck at work today, it will be good for you to get back into a routine. 

Dee Dee  

[Mary kissr]

Hi dee dee.  I just read your post about chantel and her work.  She sounds a lot like my Heidi.  Heidi was a psych nurse.  She was always so responsible and independent.   She always lit up a room when she entered and was so good at helping others with their pain.  She died of an overdose and we had no idea she was using.  It would have been so simple to get her the help she needed.  I’m sure she felt she could handle everything by herself.  
I miss her every day.  But time does help in that the pain is not so gut wrenching after the first year. You will be able to enjoy life and we will see our daughters again.

I

 

Cheryl.  I hope work was not too tough today.   When I was working and absorbed in something,  I was able to not be in so much pain.  I hope you can relax this evening and just rest 

[Conpie]

Thank you Mary

I spent the day looking at a computer screen blankly, hiding in my cpr lab sobbing and went out to the car a couple of times.  Can't say it was easy but my co workers rock.  We decided im going to quit being a nurse and become a pole dancer and make Tic Toc videos!  Its just one day at a time.  I tried to call my work prayer line and it was out of order.  But I made it.

Yes we are making a big pot of soup and then playing canasta.  

 

[DeeDee61]

Mary and Cheryl,

One day at a time... We can do it with support from each other (I like the pole dancing idea, that made me laugh).  You ladies have a nice evening.

Dee Dee 

 

[Mary kissr]

Cheryl.  I hope work was not too tough today.   When I was working and absorbed in something,  I was able to not be in so much pain.  I hope you can relax this evening and just rest 

[Mary kissr]

Hi dee dee and Cheryl.  Cheryl, I am glad you are able to rely on co-workers.  That means so much.  I didn’t realize you are a nurse like my Heidi.  That must be hard caring for others when you need the care right now….or maybe it helps.  Seems like there are always others in worse shape or have a harder situation to deal with.  Kudos to you for making it through the first day.  That is a huge milestone.

cheryl, I love your idea of relying on each other.  It’s tough trying to find and relate to other moms who have gone through such a nightmare.  Never thought it would happen to me.

[Conpie]

I had to leave work early today.  Just couldn't do it anymore.  My throat is raw took a covid test and it was neg.  My ans machine was full and decided to erase old messages.  Of course there were missed calls from my son from when he was in the hosp  "mom"  "mom"  .  I loved hearing him say that for just a sec I could pretend he wasn't gone.

Sorry guys

[DeeDee61]

You did the best you could, no need to say you are sorry....  Stay strong and keep trying, that's all you can do.  One step forward and two steps back, that's to be expected I would think.

I listen to Chantel's voice mails every day and pretend she's calling me.

Thinking of you.....  

Take care.

[Conpie]

DeeDee,

I don't know if you are religious or not but Im going to tell you about my day.  It was bad and I ended up running out of work in tears at 1pm.  Drove around looking at the ice fishermen on the lake and then went and found my husband.  I was angry, mad and you know.  We drove around for several hours and then went home.  The Luthern pastor had just been here delivering a gift from the congregation, there was a card from Connor's presbyterian preschool and then at 830pm banging on the door(thought it was the police)  and the 3 young girls/mormon missionaries are at our door.  Our son never told us he was to be baptised the weekend after he died.  They wanted to give us his baptism gifts!  They wanted to take pictures with his puppy and us.  They will be moving on to their next assignment and wanted to see us one more time.  We knew he was seeking god and had been going to the mormon services but he never told us so much.  I will never understand my child.  But to me it was a sign--3 churches in one day that I need to have faith.  I was hurting so much today, even thought about calling crisis I was so lost.  I wish I could share this with you.  

Cheryl

[DeeDee61]

Cheryl,

I don't know if I'm religious.  I think I am, and I am trying to be.  I believe in God, and I want to believe so badly that I will see Chantel again, because if I can't believe that I feel like I have no reason to go on.  They say believing takes faith, so I try hard to have faith. Chantel didn't go to church, and I don't know if she believed. I am so glad Connor had religion.  I believe this was a sign and if it was, it was a wonderful sign.  To me it meant Connor was in Heaven and was telling you he was okay. I wish I knew Chantel was in heaven.  I am reading bible passages every day, I am trying to put myself in God's hands, but it is not helping me much (or maybe it is, and I just don't know it).

I have to tell you something.  I am considered the "strong" one in my family.  I take care of everyone.  I am positive to a fault and the very idea of hurting myself, is so outside the realm of who I am and what I believe.  5 or 6 days ago, I just thought.... I wish I could just end this and go see Chantel.  I wanted God to just take me, and I struggle every day now to find a purpose to this life. I know I can't die because too many people depend on me and the idea that I have these thoughts are so foreign to me.  Then I think maybe God had to take Chantel first, because if I went first, she couldn't have lived without me.  I was her rock and she loved me so much.  So of course, I move on to the fact that now that she is gone, he is going to take me.  The thoughts that run through my head are crazy and so I keep turning to God to find out why?  What is His greater purpose?  I want a sign, but I think He wants me to have faith.  Maybe I don't get to have a sign.

I hope you have peace today.  Take life at your pace. Take care of YOU today.

Dee Dee

 

[Conpie]

Well that was short lived.  I showered and got ready for work today and sat down and started sobbing.  Told my boss I won't be in.  I will somehow find someone to talk to today even if it is crisis.  My brain is fractured  and I can not function at all.  I think they are afraid to look at me at work because if they do I start crying and run out of the room.  I hate the pity and the im sorry.   People will say how are you (they don't know what happened) and I want to say %$**& Yes I have always been the fix it person in my family also, the meadiator the one to climb the mountain but all my self motivational stuff is useless right now.  No I am not going to hurt myself.  I did think about it but it would destroy my surviving son and husband.  Oh DeeDee you are not alone in the crazy thoughts.  My husband and I were raised in the church.  I always thought if you believed and trusted in god, you didn't need to go to church.  Now with everything happening and my son's connection and the people from the church's reaching out I think this bond needs to happen.  I don't think a sign was needed but somehow someone knew I needed it yesterday.  But today im right back teetering on the edge of that cliff.  I hope you are able to find some peace and make it through today.  I will .  My husband wanted to stay home with me today and he just doesn't understand that I want to suffer by myself.  I don't even understand it.  If he is here I feel i have to be strong and not make his pain worse.  My misery doesn't like company.  I do feel better when I am on this site because I can say the truth and I know others actually do understand.  I am not making anyone's pain worse.  

[DeeDee61]

I need to be alone with my grief also.  I get up a few hours early every day and sit by myself in the guest room to think and cry.  That's when I write to Chantel or read some inspirational quotes to get me through the day.  It's when I go through the internet to find out anything about her, her job, overdoses, life after death, reincarnation or anything else that will make sense of this life we are to live going forward.  I wait for my husband to leave so I can be alone and not worry about "acting normal".  He is so worried for me; he is doting on me, and I try not to be a burden to him by being sad all the time, so I try and be sad by myself and then move forward like a robot the rest of the day.  After my husband left about an hour ago, I lost it again. It's so crazy the stuff I am thinking.

I will find peace today, because I filled my day with things to do.  I have 2 sisters and my mom who live close by.  My one sister was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma a year and a half ago.  She moved in with my husband and I for a little over a year and just got her own apartment about 1 mile away from us in October.  She had a stem cell transplant in June and is currently in remission, which I am very thankful for.  I am taking her and my mom to lunch today and then I'll clean my mom's house.  Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday of this past week, I worked serving lunch at Feeding Tampa Bay.  No one knows me there, no one knows my story, so I can just wear my mask and feed people, and no one asks me any questions.  I am dreading the day I have to go see my friends.  They are sending cards and flowers and texts, but I get anxiety when I think I will have to face them one day and listen to all the "I'm sorry" and "what can I do"....  I appreciate all their kind thoughts, but anytime someone brings up my daughter, I just start crying......so for now, I hideout with strangers and my family.  

I am glad we can share our thoughts with each other.   I could never say any of these things other than here or in my letters to Chantel.

 

[Judith fay]

I dont know how to move forward.

I ran into the guy that gave my daughtrr the fentanyl  that killed her. I lost it. My angry  got the better of me i jump out of our. Truck  and started screaming at him he gave me a smurk and ask me hows your day going..I am just a mess i dont know how you all are handling  your grief.  I am not good at all

DeeDee  I'm  praying for you. . My anxiety  is stil bad.. I get sad songs and  picture sent to my phone daily. I have

been telling my family and friends this is my Journey  to take alone with my grief

[Conpie]

Judith,

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter and the pain you are going through.  I am also struggling daily even minute by minute to function. I can't listen to music right now.  All the sad songs make me cry.  The days I did make it to work, I don't remember driving there or home.  Autopilot is a scary thing for me.  The only relief I get is actually walking the dog.  For some reason, getting out in the fresh air clears my mind for a short amount of time.  I get taking your grief journey alone, my misery does not like company.  I want to be alone  with with my thoughts.  This site is helping me to some degree.  I know no one in my life that has actually lost a child so I really feel no one can relate to my pain.  Here I feel others can and have assisted me so much with understanding my feelings.  

The girl who gave my son his first heroin injection came to the service.  She had also stole my purse and used my credit cards.  It took everything out of me not to throw her out.  I am trying to accept that he did make his choices.  Connor could walk into a room of 500 people and latch on to the only addict there.  With the exception of his most recent girlfriend he never dated anyone who was not a user.  The police have a lead on who gave my son the drugs and plan to prosecute.  In the end my son is gone and we are all a mess.  Today I went to see my family doctor, vomiting, headache.  He basically said I have a grief hangover.  I am dehydrated and not eating.   He did increase my antidepressants and offered me Xanax.  I will not take that--it was one of my son's drugs of choice. He told me to stay home and try to go to work again on Monday. 

 I will keep trying every day because I know he would want that and he would hate that we are suffering.  I will continue to be here to listen every day for those in need  and will continue to be grateful to those who listen to me

[DeeDee61]

Judith, Mary and Cheryl,

You are on my mind.  I am sending love and prayers to you all.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and living one minute at a time, that is all we can do.  God picked us to be mothers to our children for a reason and I'm sure we all did the best we could.  We were blessed to have them, and they were blessed to have us love them as much as we all did.  Continue to be kind to yourselves and I will try and do the same - Dee Dee

[Judith fay]

Dont know what I would do without all of you Thank You for listening  to me. I feel not so alone when i come onto this site

I am hoping I can sleep tonight without tbe nightmares..

[Conpie]

Thank You Judith, I did get some sleep last night.  Today I started with writing another part of my Journal.  It was the start of his drug use.  Then I went on to read old posts from people who lost their children.  Many the the parents lost their children to accidents/illness.  I have so few good memories of my son.  The trauma, fighting, stealing and lies took up so much time.  Today I am feeling cheated.  Mental health and addiction stole that from me.  I don't know if it would have been different if it had just been one or the other. Sometimes I think he never had a chance.  I am not crying today, I am just sad that we never had the happiness that others had.  To be able to look back at the good times.  Either way we all lost our children.  

Writing and reading is helping to give me peace.  Put things into perspective and process this loss.

Cheryl

[Mary kissr]

Oh everyone.   I am so sad for you and for me.

I know exactly how you feel about grieving alone.  This may sound strange, but I am the one who still can’t look at many pics of my daughter, Heidi.  I don’t have many around the house and I know this is different from what a lot of people do.  It has been four years for me and you guys are going through the absolutely worst phase of this nightmare.

I wish I could help more.  I can say that you will get through this.  I know you can get past the first year.   Perhaps, concentrate on that.

I did get through Heidi’s service.  I am such an introverted person that I didn’t want to plan a service.  My family did the work and I am glad we had it.  The jerk who gave her the drugs wasn’t there but he had come to the hospital.  My husband physically threw him out the door.  I can usually forgive him since he is pathetic but I admit I certainly don’t wish him or his family well.  Actually, I would be happy to know he was suffering at some point.

I haven’t been to church but I do pray now.  I was raised catholic so I pray the rosary every day.  I do talk to god now and I actually have grown spiritually.  I think I am a better person but it was such a horrible price to pay.  I love and miss Heidi so much.  I didn’t realize what a wonderful person she was. 
Don’t worry about connecting with other people if you don’t want to.  They will understand and if they don’t, that’s ok.  I never even sent out acknowledgments or thank you notes except to a very few friends.  So give yourself whatever space you need.  Believe me, you will get through this.  Look at the sky and think how long this earth has existed.  We are here such a short time so , before you know it, we will be reunited with our children.

I try to live in the now.  I hope you have an okay day.  One minute at a tim

[Wanda linder]

I'm new to this group. First I would like to thank everyone for sharing your journey,and I'm very sorry for all the losses. I've had a rough couple of years myself. My partner,bestfriend,best friend, died from a car accident we were in march,2020,I miss him everyday. I was struggling with his death when my son and his 2 children moved in with me,because he thought I was gonna grieve myself to death. Then on August 7th,2021,my son and I had just stepped out on back porch to have our coffee. It was 600 am. We hadn't even had time to say anything to each other,when this guy came around the corner with an a.r. rifle acting crazy. I immediately stood in front of my son and told him he would have to go through me. After that I don't remember the words that came out of my mouth or my sons. The guy just stared at me and never said a word. After a few min. I felt my son move behind me and the guy raised the gun and shot him multiple times. I just remember screaming and  listening to my baby take his last breaths. Later was told he had shot his wife in the leg and another friend of ours several times with handgun. They survived. You see,this guy grew up on our street,still lived up from us. They said he had been acting strange for a couple of weeks. We had no idea. I still don't know why,and Noone else seems to know either. My son,chris,Chris, so hard everyday and came home and took care of his kids. I'm sorry for the long story. I guess I need to vent. Oh,and after he did all this he went home and barricaded himself and killed himself,so we will never have answers. I don't know if I can get past this one.please pray for me. It's been 6 months and it keeps getting harder. I have abt. Given up. I'm trying to take care of his children,but it takes all I have in me. Thanks for listening

[Conpie]

On 2/12/2022 at 10:29 AM, Wanda linder said:

I'm new to this group. First I would like to thank everyone for sharing your journey,and I'm very sorry for all the losses. I've had a rough couple of years myself. My partner,bestfriend,best friend, died from a car accident we were in march,2020,I miss him everyday. I was struggling with his death when my son and his 2 children moved in with me,because he thought I was gonna grieve myself to death. Then on August 7th,2021,my son and I had just stepped out on back porch to have our coffee. It was 600 am. We hadn't even had time to say anything to each other,when this guy came around the corner with an a.r. rifle acting crazy. I immediately stood in front of my son and told him he would have to go through me. After that I don't remember the words that came out of my mouth or my sons. The guy just stared at me and never said a word. After a few min. I felt my son move behind me and the guy raised the gun and shot him multiple times. I just remember screaming and  listening to my baby take his last breaths. Later was told he had shot his wife in the leg and another friend of ours several times with handgun. They survived. You see,this guy grew up on our street,still lived up from us. They said he had been acting strange for a couple of weeks. We had no idea. I still don't know why,and Noone else seems to know either. My son,chris,Chris, so hard everyday and came home and took care of his kids. I'm sorry for the long story. I guess I need to vent. Oh,and after he did all this he went home and barricaded himself and killed himself,so we will never have answers. I don't know if I can get past this one.please pray for me. It's been 6 months and it keeps getting harder. I have abt. Given up. I'm trying to take care of his children,but it takes all I have in me. Thanks for listening

Dee Dee, Wanda, Judith and Mary,

Please be kind to yourselves tonight.  Reflect on the love you feel for your family and eat a piece of chocolate.  Im sure we all had a rough day and you guys all get hugs from me!  

Cheryl

[DeeDee61]

Thank you, Cheryl.  Hugs back to you....  

[Monier]

My son died at a bus stop, of an apparent drug overdose. Still waiting on the report from the toxicology..

[DeeDee61]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Sending prayers to you.  Dee Dee

[Judith fay]

So sorry for your loss. I know when I waited for my daughter report it took almost 8 months and it was torture. Sending huggs your way and alot of prayers.

My Christina was 33

[Tina M]

I am new to this whole online grieving group thing.  This was recommended to me.  I am hopeful that this might provide me some sort of comfort or relief.    

I am truly sorry for your losses and I know that it's not easy to share your stories.

Reading some of these posts has really hit home for me.  The pain, the guilt, the anger, the whys, the longing to hold him and talk to him; the list goes on...  I lost my son almost 2 years ago to a drug overdose and it still feels like it was yesterday.  I can't seem to get past the loss.  The pain is as strong now as it was then.  I can't look at a picture of him without tears and the terrible pain in my heart.  I want to be able to remember him with smiles and memories.  I know I will never get over it, but when will it lessen.  How do you move on; break free from the constant guilt, anger and pain?

I will forever miss and love my baby boy.

[DeeDee61]

Tina - I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't have any answers for you, I don't have any answers for anyone.  I wish I did.  I didn't have a good day today, every time it hit me that I will never hear my daughter's voice, I was sad.  I want to share my day with her, but I can't.  Today I was wondering what life is all about, why are we here?  I feel there must be a purpose to why I'm here, if not, why go on?  I will continue to grieve, and I will continue to ask why....  I will try to live.  Today, I was angry.  Not at my daughter, but everyone around her, including me, that didn't fix the situation.  I guess that is normal.  I guess maybe that's what this site is about, we want each other to tell us this is normal, this is how we are supposed to feel, we are not evil, we are not bad mothers, we did the best we could.  Which, I'm sure we did.  We are not perfect, we are flawed, but we all loved our children as best as we could, or we wouldn't feel this pain.  We have to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves a break.  I look at all my friends who do not have children and I think.... you are so lucky not to feel this pain, but I feel so bad for you to not have felt this kind of love.  I lost a sister and brother and I grieved, but I never understood my mom's pain.... how did I not get it?  We don't get it, until it happens to us.  Tina, I don't have the answers, but I feel your pain.  I think I will feel every mother's pain from here on out.

[Judith fay]

I know how you feel i am also having a hard time getting  past my daughters overdose.

Her things are all over our home . I feel like if I smile or laugh that i shouldnt be doing it because  she is not here anymore. I relive every night telling me she didn't  make it. I wish I had the words to help you but I am having a hard time excepting that she is never comming home again . I have her kids here eith me and I look at them and see her.

I cry alone in my bathroom so i wont upset them. If you need to talk im here for you

Mom of Christina

[Tina M]

I hear your stories.  I feel your pain.  You are not alone on this horrible journey.  I wish you all strength and peace.  I, too, am here for you all.

I still have not been able to bring myself to go through his things.  He is everywhere in our house too.  I love seeing him everyday, but at the same time, it is very painful.  I also feel guilty if I laugh or have a good time because he's not here.  I have a lot of guilt over the whole incident.  I should have known he had a problem and helped.  On the other hand, I'm very angry he didn't share his demons with me.  

I try to take one day at a time; but it's just still so hard.  

 

 

[Pamula]

On 1/24/2022 at 6:10 AM, DeeDee61 said:

My only child, my best friend, died of a drug overdose 3 days ago.  She was 37, she was the light of my life.  She struggled with mental health issues for the last 15 years or so.  We talked every day last week, as she was going through a bad break up with her boyfriend of 4 years.  She was "clean" for 10 years and I am destroyed right now.  I struggle with what I may have said to "trigger" her, what I could has said to stop her and how I am going to go on for the rest of my life without her.  I know this pain is fresh and time will heal me, but I also know I will be changed forever and I feel I will never be happy again. I keep thinking of everything she didn't get to do and WHY did this happen, WHY didn't she call me, WHY, WHY, WHY?   I can't bear the pain.

Oh how I feel your pain, sweetheart. I lost my 32 year old son on Oct 28th 2021. Just 3 short months ago. He too was my best friend. I will never be the same person I was on Oct 27th. I still feel every feeling you are having. It's the worst pain ever. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm always here anytime you need a friend 

[Pamula]

On October 28th 2021, I lost my oldest son, age 32, Mikey to a overdose. He had struggled for 10 years fighting his demon. He would get clean for months and slide back again. Even thru all these struggles he was my best friend. We were extremely close. Even on his worse days he never failed to show how important his momma was to him. As I'm disabled, he helped to take care of me. He lived with me. He has been clean for 107 days when he used again. That day he said he was tired and was going to lay down. I heard a thump but didn't think much of it, he was always making noise. God, why didn't I check on him then. it was probably a hour later or so when I thought I need to check on him, I found his door locked and I Instantly knew. I got the door open and found him kneeled with his head on the bed and I knew he was gone. My beautiful baby boy was gone. The last three months have been terrible. I miss him every single day. I don't know how to go without him. 

[Conpie]

Ok im just going to let this out.  I hate life, hate people, hate myself--waking up in the morning and having to go through this again every day like a bad movie.  I want my son back.  I want to be ignorant of pain and grief.  Can some one just fix this for me.   I want to be a foolish person taking everything for granted.  Why doesn't anyone understand this.  Yeah I get it this is a Normal way to feel if your child has died.  But I don't care, no its not ok.  That sick feeling in my stomach and the "I can't breath" when I think of him.  Please --no im not crazy or suicidal I just want this over.  I know you guys understand this and im so sorry that you do.  No one should have to understand this.  Tonight will be 3 weeks and I really have no idea how I made it this far.  Im very sorry, I don't want to stress anyone with my crazy rambling.  I just feel like im screaming inside

[Pamula]

2 minutes ago, Conpie said:

Ok im just going to let this out.  I hate life, hate people, hate myself--waking up in the morning and having to go through this again every day like a bad movie.  I want my son back.  I want to be ignorant of pain and grief.  Can some one just fix this for me.   I want to be a foolish person taking everything for granted.  Why doesn't anyone understand this.  Yeah I get it this is a Normal way to feel if your child has died.  But I don't care, no its not ok.  That sick feeling in my stomach and the "I can't breath" when I think of him.  Please --no im not crazy or suicidal I just want this over.  I know you guys understand this and im so sorry that you do.  No one should have to understand this.  Tonight will be 3 weeks and I really have no idea how I made it this far.  Im very sorry, I don't want to stress anyone with my crazy rambling.  I just feel like im screaming inside

Oh hun, I could have wrote these words myself, that pain that just eats you up. Nothing crazy about it, it's called pain, horrible pain. I want my son back also,  "He is in a better place, he is no longer fighting demons, I get that I do, "so call me selfish, I still want him back. I want to hear him say I love you momma. I want him to hug me for no reason. I want to hear him ramble on about a show he just watched. I want this pain to end as well, n it kills me to know that it ×ll never end until I close my eyes for the last time