My daughter died of a drug overdose 3 days ago

[Conpie]

I just  have some questions.  My son received a fire tablet for Christmas.  I am waiting till the police are done with the investigation but at first I was going to try to figure out his password in case there are any nice pictures on it but now I am afraid I am afraid I will find out something/see something else that I can't unsee.  It was his private life and now I am thinking I should just do a factory reset on it when the police are done.  I am so torn over this.  Ok at times he would sext with girls.  There I said it! I am also afraid I will find out more about his "friends" and then have more anger/hurt/pain.  I know he was angry with us most of the time for calling him out on his behaviors so I really don't want to see anymore of his anger toward us.  

I am also thinking of getting a tatoo in his honor.  I am not a huge fan of tatoos but he was and I was ? thinking of some tiny butterflies.  Last summer he was sending me pictures of butterflies.  

[Pamula]

3 hours ago, Conpie said:

I just  have some questions.  My son received a fire tablet for Christmas.  I am waiting till the police are done with the investigation but at first I was going to try to figure out his password in case there are any nice pictures on it but now I am afraid I am afraid I will find out something/see something else that I can't unsee.  It was his private life and now I am thinking I should just do a factory reset on it when the police are done.  I am so torn over this.  Ok at times he would sext with girls.  There I said it! I am also afraid I will find out more about his "friends" and then have more anger/hurt/pain.  I know he was angry with us most of the time for calling him out on his behaviors so I really don't want to see anymore of his anger toward us.  

I am also thinking of getting a tatoo in his honor.  I am not a huge fan of tatoos but he was and I was ? thinking of some tiny butterflies.  Last summer he was sending me pictures of butterflies.  

That was a hard one for me too. With his phone. I knew his info for Facebook n Facebook messenger.  When the cops gave it back I tried to get in his phone n couldn't. I was able to get on his other stuff thru my phone. I had planned on going thru his messages but I couldn't.  I just glanced at a few. I was warned I might see things I didn't want too, so for me, I didn't dig deeper. 

A tattoo is awesome. I'm getting the infinity sign with his name. Butterfly are a great way to honor him. 

Praying for you. 

[Mary kissr]

I didn’t want to see any of Heidi’s messages.  I couldn’t look.  I know my other daughter did some digging.  I don’t know if it helped her but I think that would be so painful.

I think you should do what feels right for you.  Perhaps you can put the computer aside for now?   Don’t think about that decision for awhile and at some point I think you will know what to do. 
 

 

 

[Conpie]

DEEDEE 

Are you ok?  Haven't heard from you in a few days.

Cheryl

[Loss of my son]

Its definitely not ok to have to go through the loss of a child. It's been 15 months for me, I struggle every day still. I cry, scream and what if myself to death. My son died in a car wreck, he was drunk. He left 2 babies 4 and 5 and me. I pray you find some peace and if you need someone to run wild with I'm in. Jeanne

Its definitely not ok to have to go through the loss of a child. It's been 15 months for me, I struggle every day still. I cry, scream and what if myself to death. My son died in a car wreck, he was drunk. He left 2 babies 4 and 5 and me. I pray you find some peace and if you need someone to run wild with I'm in. Jeanne

[Conpie]

So no one will mention my son to me.  This is worse than anything.  Even my younger son and husband won't talk about him at all.  I feel like they are afraid to make things worse.  But pretending he didn't exist isn't helping.  My son's name was CONNOR please someone say it.  4 weeks tomorrow night , not sleeping, not eating just want to crawl in a hole.  Sorry, just another pity party.  I hurt so bad and just want my son back.

Cheryl

[Loss of my son]

Conner was here!!  People are afraid that they will upset you if they mention him. I finally told my friends and family. Yes I'm sad, angry and broken but the only way to heal for me is to talk about him. Yes I'm probably going to cry because I miss him so much. They now talk about him, some days I dont cry. You grieve because you loved. Jeanne

[DeeDee61]

Our children existed.  I understand why they are trying to protect you and I am sorry for it, as they do not understand.  CONNOR did exist, I will say his name always. I will not forget him, Cheryl.

[Mary kissr]

Connor certainly did live as did my Heidi.   Honestly, it’s been four years for me and I can finally write her name.  We do go on and forgive ourselves for not always saving everyone.   Our children were loved, they were wonderful.  A tragedy happened or they made a mistake or thought the world was too much for them . I don’t know but I am sure we will be reunited 

[Conpie]

 

Thank You Everyone.  I am sorry I just had a mental break yesterday.  I wish I had a better excuse but thats it.  Tonight is one month and it seems like yesterday.  You all helped.  I did tell my husband finally that I couldn't stand the silence or not mentioning Connor's name.  I get that they are afraid of upsetting me.  I will not forget my son, your son's or daughters.  Chantel, Heidi, Chris, Christina, Mikey and Connor were our children they loved us and knew we loved them.  I will not forget their names and if I left someone out--please tell me.  Thank you everyone  you will never know.  The very thin string that holds my sanity needed that.

Hugs

Cheryl

[Conpie]

Thank You Everyone.  I am sorry I just had a mental break yesterday.  I wish I had a better excuse but thats it.  Tonight is one month and it seems like yesterday.  You all helped.  I did tell my husband finally that I couldn't stand the silence or not mentioning Connor's name.  I get that they are afraid of upsetting me.  I will not forget my son, your son's or daughters.  Chantel, Heidi, Chris, Christina, Mikey and Connor were our children they loved us and knew we loved them.  I will not forget their names and if I left someone out--please tell me.  Thank you everyone  you will never know.  The very thin string that holds my sanity needed that.

Hugs

Cheryl

[Conpie]

Hi Everyone,

The toxiclogy report and death certificate came in today.  I spoke with the Coroner and they were very nice.  Connor had injected pure fentanyl, 10x the dose needed to kill him instantly.  There was nothing to be done, he did not suffer and it was instant.  I guess I do feel some relief knowing he did not suffer and there is nothing I could have done.  

Cheryl

[DeeDee61]

Cheryl,

I am glad that he did not suffer, in situations like this, that is all we can hope for.  Take care - Dee Dee

[Ramona66]

On 2/16/2022 at 8:31 PM, Pamula said:

Oh hun, I could have wrote these words myself, that pain that just eats you up. Nothing crazy about it, it's called pain, horrible pain. I want my son back also,  "He is in a better place, he is no longer fighting demons, I get that I do, "so call me selfish, I still want him back. I want to hear him say I love you momma. I want him to hug me for no reason. I want to hear him ramble on about a show he just watched. I want this pain to end as well, n it kills me to know that it ×ll never end until I close my eyes for the last time

Hello

 

on 1/20/22  my daughter   passed away due to covid. She was 32 years old and passed 4 days before her 34th birthday. The left behind 2 beautiful children and ages 5 & 2. She was such a good mom, daughter and just a beautiful and kind person that always went above and beyond to make everyone happy. Her 2 year was born 3 months premature on 12/19/19. It was a struggle not know if he would make it. She endured a lost of heartbreak during this time.  A few months later the covid 19 went into full array. By the grace of God he made it home but not without major setbacks that my daughter had to deal with. 

About 6 months later after her son had to have emergency surgery because his intestine got stuck in his hernia she started having seizures. For over a year she has been have seizures every time she was on her menstrual cycle. I was doing everything i can to help her and find a doctor to figure out what was causing the seizures. When we finally go a recommendation she became sick with covid which took her away

My heart is shattered and i can't seem to get over the hurt. I was reading some of the other shares and seems they have all gone through what i am going through now.  I can't stop crying and wondering if she is ok and will i ever see her again. I have sooooo many memories of her in the house and in my heart that just make it  harder to deal with every day.

 

Please let let me what i need to do to get through this. Every day that goes by just gets harder

[Ramona66]

Hi all

 

I have been reading these posts all day at work. My daughter passed away on 1/20/22 4 day before her 33rd birthday. She actually passed from Covid - 19. She had been suffering with seizures every month for over a year and they just kept getting worse. When she got sick I believe her immune system had been weakened by the seizures. She left behind 2 beautiful children ages 6 & 2 years old. 

 

She was my best friend. We would talk or see see each other just about every other day. I tried soooo hard to get her seizures diagnosed. Never thought she would pass from covid. After reading these posts I can see we all have the same emotions. Every day I wake up is a reminder that she is gone another day. I don't think I will ever get over this grief. My heart feels like it is breaking all day every day. Sometime it feels like I can't breath. When I am at work I really don't talk much because I am hurting so bad. I used to outgoing and funny. Everyone at work loves working with me. Now I have the wall up that I can't take down. I see everyone going on with their life cracking jokes and laughing and I just can't do it now. 

 

I have found myself getting closer to God. The only thing that sooths me is reading the bible a praying. Hoping that when my last breath is taken I will see my daughter again. She was such a good person who loved and went out of her way to support everyone so I know God has her with him. 

[Jnic]

Hello, I'm new to this group and reading everyone's posts resonates for me. Thank you for validating my feelings, and I'm so so sorry for everyone's loss. My daughter died about 10 years ago. It's a complicated story, she was 19 and an addict, she had mental health problems, lots of anger and rebellion during the teen years, running away, wanting to be on her own the minute she turned 18. We think she had borderline personality disorder, but maybe the drugs destroyed her brain and personality. Then she went missing and the case became a cold case for all these years. We were notified this past February that they found her remains, a guy had strangled her and buried her in his mom's backyard. Sick monster. He is in jail awaiting trial and we are about to have a memorial service. I'm not doing well, got through the school year, I'm a teacher, but the circumstances of my daughter's death overwhelm me with anger, guilt, sorrow. The memorial itself is causing me anguish, people are kind and helping to plan, flying in from out of town. But my husband and I have been pretty isolated these past 10 years, with people not knowing what to say or just not wanting to be around us. That also makes me angry, and I also hate that they can just go on with their great lives while we have this never ending pain. Yes I'm in counseling but it almost makes me feel worse. I'm dreading the murder trial, another awful thing that will go on and on and over which I have no control. The defense will dehumanize her and we will have to sit there calmly. Thanks for listening and letting me vent. There are few places to go with this pain and sorrow.

[Ramona66]

Hi Jnic

  It is hard enough losing a child but to lose a child in that matter just adds more anguish.  my prayers are with you and your family.

[Mary kissr]

Hello everyone.   I can relate to all of you. My daughter, Heidi, became an angel 4 and a half years ago.  She died from an overdose and we didn’t even know she was using.   I don’t think one way over another is an easier way to lose a child.  With an overdose vs an illness, there is probably more second guessing for us, the parents.I should have said/done this ….goes on forever.   Believe me, I have lived that.  Let’s try to forgive ourselves and remember that we are human.  We always did our best with what we had.  I know that.  We get tired, absorbed with problems, etc, and we weren’t always at our best.  I am sorry, Heidi.  I forgive you and I forgive myself.  I love you.

someone suggested picturing our children surrounded by lights with a big smile.   Send them love and we will connect.  Thankyou whoever sent that and please give us more of your thoughts 

I try to live in acceptance and gratitude for the love and people I now have in my life. It really does get better with time for those who are very new to this horror.  I want to encourage you.  You will get through this