I Still Feel Like I'm Dreaming

[LostInRVA81]

My bestfriend, soulmate, emotional caregiver and the love of my life was stolen from me suddenly and tragically on 10.8.2021. Everything has been a blur since it happened. The hospital claims he died from COVID but I know in my heart it was due to the severe medical negligence he received during his 12 day stay in the ICU. Bruce was literally the glue that held us all together and kept our little family going. He was the voice of reason, the compassionate caregiver when we were sick or just sad, he was the source of all of our joy. He was an amazingly gentle, devoted, hands on, involved, committed and incredibly loving father and the center of our 9 year old sons universe. He was my one and only companion in life and I'm not ashamed to admit that I was hopelessly codependent on him. The day he died our world stopped. All of the joy and laughter and life loving optimism has been completely eradicated and simultaneously replaced with a blurry, numb, hopeless existence. I have failed miserably at being strong and supportive for my son when he needed me the most bc I was too lost in my own despair. I still am. I think that's why I created my account with grief.com. I don't know what to do. Life feels completely pointless. I actually look forward to death. I still feel like I am just having a nightmare and I will wake up any second to find him laying next to me snoring like a freight train. Me and my son have Medicaid and we are on waiting lists with all of the available counselors and therapists that accept our insurance but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I feel like I've lost touch with reality. My psyche can't handle the trauma so it's doing whatever it can to protect me. My friends and family came around for the first 2 weeks after it happened but they have all moved on and no longer want to deal with my negativity. All I hear is how selfish I am for falling apart when my child needs me but what they don't understand is I have no control over it. I'm scared. Im alone. Im desperate for commiseration with someone who can relate. 

[MelissaRickey]

I'm so sorry for your loss, you were a beautiful couple I myself just lost my best friend and soulmate January 21,2022  we were married almost 28 years I to feel so alone and just wish this was a nightmare this is the hardest thing I've ever been through its also hard on my kids as well they are grown and I try to be strong for them still I feel like I fail them to not knowing what to say or do to help them and some family members say stupid things my sister in law had the nerve to say she watched me ALOT at the funeral and I didn't cry much....that hurt my feelings and mad me mad she has no idea how much I've cried I cry every day and nights I go to sleep crying, (I know I'm jumping around in this) I was in the room for the last 10 minutes they were doing cpr on my husband that image relives every time I close my eyes I  see his eyes and how they looked so weak and helpless I see his stomach rising with every chest compression they did it just hurts so much , I pray for signs I asked him to show me he's around and the thought popped in my head look around I'm with u idk if that was my sign or my mind I hope it was him ill love him forever, my thoughts and prayers are with u and ur child as well 

[Conpie]

My son's service was just last Saturday.  For some reason I was at peace during the service and even afterward.  I did not cry much either.  It was like he was there holding my hand.   I even managed to speak but was holding his childhood teddy bear the entire time.   Every day but that day has been hell on earth.  I have cried till my head hurts and my eyes feel like they are on fire.  Do not let someone else's expectations hurt you.  Some people at my son's service may have thought I wasn't crying much but I was holding it together for my son, mother and husband, was totally shocked by the number of people who showed up and just felt so loved!  I even laughed a little too loud when my boss said she was wearing a bra on a Saturday for the first time in 10 years.  Just be you.