How often do you visit your loved one's grave?

[KayC]

I love this age! They grow up way too fast imo!

[William M]

It's been  almost 2 years since I posted on this thread. Looking back, I now see I was going to the Cemetery  frequently in a desperate attempt to find my dear wife.  My mind knew that we had left her there, so it was the only place she could be. I was always in a rush to get there, but it always ended in disappointment. I don't know what I was expecting to find, but I never found it. As you all know this is just how our minds work when in new raw grief. We would do anything to find our lost love even though we know it is impossible. We soon realize this is futile, and reality sets in.

[widower2]

Some have told me that even though they know their loved one isn't really there, it was still a comfort in some ways as it gave them a place, a literal physical place, to focus on that person, and that they felt the person's presence was "there" somehow when they visited.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, CraigMorales said:

Your heartfelt words resonate with many who have experienced loss. Visiting a loved one's grave can indeed be a complex mix of emotions. It's a testament to the deep connection you shared that you feel drawn to visit, even though the experience brings both comfort and pain.

Welcome to our site.  It helps to come here to read and post, and know others are here with you.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

George's ashes are scattered in the back yard and I have a memorial stone up where they were laid.  I know they're gone with the wind, yet knowing that is where they were laid to rest also helps me when I look out over them.

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/10/2021 at 4:44 AM, Michael M said:

I visit my wife's grave about once every 6 weeks.  I feel like it's not often enough, but it tears me up every time I go.  I have such mixed feelings.  I feel that I am going to visit her while at the same time I feel it's just her body there and her spirit is free and elsewhere.   I also go in part to make sure the grave siite is OK.  Sometimes storms blow over the artificial flowers, etc.   My therapist says I should only visit if I feel up to it and to not force myself.  She hopes I will get to the point I want to visit her grave as opposed to doing it out of a sense of duty.  Personally I am tired of crying in my car in a graveyard.  I really hope her spirit is with me some of the time and out exploring the world the rest of it. 

I haven’t visited my husband’s grave for a year and a half; I often wonder if his spirit is in heaven or if it’s in hell. His death is a part of me and always will be. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 7/20/2023 at 10:48 AM, KayC said:

It took me two years to figure out what to do with George, we'd always talked about spreading them on our favorite walk, only never talked about what that walk was.  The places we used to walk were destroyed by USFS and loggers that made a shambles of the paths and never cleaned it up.  It finally hit me, he was more at ease at home, here in the mountains, than anywhere and always called it "Our home in the clouds."  That settled it, this is also where I want my ashes scattered.  If/when the time comes I can no longer manage to live here there'll have to have an agreement with the owners that my kids be allowed to scatter my ashes here.  

I don’t have a plan as to what I want my daughter to do with me when I do die. I just want to be cremated and what she does with my ashes will be at her discretion 

[KayC]

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/

[immortalgypsy]

We chose a direct cremation without a service. I have his ashes. They are in a plain cardboard box wrapped in his sports hoodie and sitting on his dresser in our bedroom. I am still looking for an urn. Nothing really suits him. When I die we both want to be scattered together in the ocean. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

As is have mentioned here and there, being a Navy veteran, Veronica’s final resting place is at Miramar National Cemetery, right next to Miramar Marine Corps Air Station.   I have been there every Sunday afternoon since her services on July 13, 2023.  I have also been there for our anniversary, her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, and New Year’s Day.  It’s a need I have to go and visit.  When I am there, I tell her “I’ll sit here while you sleep, just like in the hospital.”  My mind and my heart are still waiting for her to come home, even though I know that can’t happen.  Then at Miramar, I run my fingers over her name etched in her marker and I know she is not coming home.  

[KayC]

6 hours ago, immortalgypsy said:

They are in a plain cardboard box

When my BIL died, my neighbor made a beautiful wooden box for his ashes.  After my sister died, a year later we scattered their ashes in the river at the park one block from their dead end street...I returned the cremation box to my neighbor so he could reuse.  My George's ashes are scattered in my backyard.

[Gail 8588]

My husband is buried in a conservation cemetary. Since his death, his brother, a brother-in-law, and a sister-in-law have joined him there. 

I only visit a few times a year, but I talk to my husband all day, everyday. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 8/25/2023 at 8:48 AM, CraigMorales said:

Your heartfelt words resonate with many who have experienced loss. Visiting a loved one's grave can indeed be a complex mix of emotions. It's a testament to the deep connection you shared that you feel drawn to visit, even though the experience brings both comfort and pain. Your dedication to ensuring her resting place is well-tended, much like the attention to detail in the gravestones crafted by Mattos Monuments, is a beautiful gesture of love and respect.
The journey of grief is unique for everyone, and your therapist's advice to follow your feelings is wise. Over time, the tears in the graveyard may transform into moments of reflection and cherished memories.

When I visit my husband grave I don’t feel anything - i feel numb. I just stare at the headstone where his name is inscribed and then I talk out loud to him for a few minutes and then I leave. His life was cut too short and he was only 57 yo when he passed. I was robbed of our forever together; we were only married 5 years 8 months and 21 days. 

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

My husband is buried in a conservation cemetary. Since his death, his brother, a brother-in-law, and a sister-in-law have joined him there. 

I only visit a few times a year, but I talk to my husband all day, everyday. 

I haven’t visited my husband grave for almost a year and a half; I just don’t have it in me to go and visit him anymore. He’s in my heart always and I know he’s in peace now and all his suffering is no more 

[foreverhis]

On 1/3/2024 at 9:39 PM, immortalgypsy said:

We chose a direct cremation without a service. I have his ashes. They are in a plain cardboard box wrapped in his sports hoodie and sitting on his dresser in our bedroom. I am still looking for an urn. Nothing really suits him. When I die we both want to be scattered together in the ocean. 

There's nothing wrong with the way you have him now, IMO.  I absolutely get your issue with finding an urn.  We too chose direct cremation without services.

When going through the choices, I told the representative that I didn't want to look at any traditional urns as that wouldn't have suited John. I don't mean to offend anyone who does like the traditional styles and shapes, but the truth is that John and I actually had a bit of a "joke" about it.  We long ago removed all the stupid sod lawn the previous owners laid before we bought our home--we're near the coast and on sandy soil, for pity's sake, so it's a waste of resources, time, and energy.  We had most of our small yard laid with beautiful pavers.  Yet we didn't want just hardscape, so over about 8 years we bought nearly 100 pots of all sizes in a few simple shapes and colors.  Every time we went to a garden pot sale, we'd look around and then chuckle over how many of them looked like cremation urns.  We'd quietly say, "Don't plant me in that!"

The representative showed me several non-traditional options.  I settled on a handsome deep burgundy leather cylinder with cream colored stitching.  I might have chosen one of the inlaid and carved wooden box options, but they were very expensive and John would have been irked if I spent that much.  Since the day I brought his ashes home, he has been on top of our old entertainment center.  I placed a snapshot I took of him with our granddaughter in a simple all plexiglass frame in front of him.  I tell people, only half jokingly, it's so he can keep an eye on me.  I find comfort in knowing that when I talk to him, he's still "here."

It doesn't matter that we know in our hearts that their spirits and souls are no longer with us on earth.  It only matters that we find a resting place that honors who they are.  Some day, you'll find the right urn.  Until then, your love is right where he should be.

[DotPark]

16 hours ago, immortalgypsy said:

We chose a direct cremation without a service. I have his ashes. They are in a plain cardboard box wrapped in his sports hoodie and sitting on his dresser in our bedroom. I am still looking for an urn. Nothing really suits him. When I die we both want to be scattered together in the ocean. 

When I read this I had to double check that I didn't post it! My sweetheart is on his dresser in our walk-in closet, with a couple of framed photos. I am in there several times a day and I still to talk to him and give him (okay, his ashes in a box) a kiss. I thought it might be weird but i am so glad I kept his ashes with me! His family wanted me to plant them with a tree in the backyard but oh no, what happens when the house is sold? What if the tree doesn't take? WHAT IF I WANT TO MOVE THE TREE?  When I die, I want my kid to put me and Tom in paper bags and toss us onto the rocks in north Wildwood, NJ, at high tide. There's no beach at that location so no chance a kid will make us into a sandcastle at low tide the next day.

My original thought was to scatter us on top of Mount Washington in New Hampshire but then my kid reminded me "that's where I went on my honeymoon, way to ruin it, Mom." So the Jersey shore it is.

[immortalgypsy]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There's nothing wrong with the way you have him now, IMO.  I absolutely get your issue with finding an urn.  We too chose direct cremation without services.

When going through the choices, I told the representative that I didn't want to look at any traditional urns as that wouldn't have suited John. I don't mean to offend anyone who does like the traditional styles and shapes, but the truth is that John and I actually had a bit of a "joke" about it.  We long ago removed all the stupid sod lawn the previous owners laid before we bought our home--we're near the coast and on sandy soil, for pity's sake, so it's a waste of resources, time, and energy.  We had most of our small yard laid with beautiful pavers.  Yet we didn't want just hardscape, so over about 8 years we bought nearly 100 simple pots of all sizes in a few simple shapes and colors.  Every time we went to a garden pot sale, we'd look around and then chuckle over how many of them looked like cremation urns.  We'd quietly say, "Don't plant me in that!"

The representative showed me several non-traditional options.  I settled on a handsome deep burgundy leather cylinder with cream colored stitching.  I might have chosen one of the inlaid and carved wooden box options, but they were very expensive and John would have been irked if I spent that much.  Since the day I brought his ashes home, he has been on top of our old entertainment center.  I placed a snapshot I took of him with our granddaughter in a simple all plexiglass frame in front of him.  I tell people, only half jokingly, it's so he can keep an eye on me.  I find comfort in knowing that when I talk to him, he's still "here."

It doesn't matter that we know in our hearts that their spirits and souls are no longer with us on earth.  It only matters that we find a resting place that honors who they are.  Some day, you'll find the right urn.  Until then, your love is right where he should be.

Thank you, I feel like he is where he should be. 

2 hours ago, DotPark said:

When I read this I had to double check that I didn't post it! My sweetheart is on his dresser in our walk-in closet, with a couple of framed photos. I am in there several times a day and I still to talk to him and give him (okay, his ashes in a box) a kiss. I thought it might be weird but i am so glad I kept his ashes with me! His family wanted me to plant them with a tree in the backyard but oh no, what happens when the house is sold? What if the tree doesn't take? WHAT IF I WANT TO MOVE THE TREE?  When I die, I want my kid to put me and Tom in paper bags and toss us onto the rocks in north Wildwood, NJ, at high tide. There's no beach at that location so no chance a kid will make us into a sandcastle at low tide the next day.

My original thought was to scatter us on top of Mount Washington in New Hampshire but then my kid reminded me "that's where I went on my honeymoon, way to ruin it, Mom." So the Jersey shore it is.

I kiss Tony every night before bed. 

[shawnt]

In a box on my nightstand beside our bed. Also we offered anyone who loved her some ashes at the service, now she is in the woods of northern Ontario, the sea in St. Andrews New Brunswick, her mother's dresser, around her sister's and one of our son's neck and her wishes were for me to spread some at our farm and at our camp and on the beach in Cayo Coco. I almost did do the beach last week but somehow I am not ready to part with them. So for now she still lives with me. Actually the thought of parting with them is painful and I can't do it.

everyone says crying is good for you but I don't agree.

[immortalgypsy]

2 minutes ago, shawnt said:

In a box on my nightstand beside our bed. Also we offered anyone who loved her some ashes at the service, now she is in the woods of northern Ontario, the sea in St. Andrews New Brunswick, her mother's dresser, around her sister's and one of our son's neck and her wishes were for me to spread some at our farm and at our camp and on the beach in Cayo Coco. I almost did do the beach last week but somehow I am not ready to part with them. So for now she still lives with me. Actually the thought of parting with them is painful and I can't do it.

everyone says crying is good for you but I don't agree.

I’m starting to agree with you about the crying 

[Gail 8588]

@shawnt  I recommend you keep her ashes with you for as long as you want.  It is my experience that having their ashes near by does bring real comfort. I am sure she would want you to hold on to any comfort you can.

[KayC]

George's ashes are in my backyard with a tombstone, I look out my patio door and can see it from here, that brings me comfort, he loved this place and called it our home in the clouds.    Few clouds here but I get what he meant, we're on a mountain.