How often do you visit your loved one's grave?

[Michael M]

I visit my wife's grave about once every 6 weeks.  I feel like it's not often enough, but it tears me up every time I go.  I have such mixed feelings.  I feel that I am going to visit her while at the same time I feel it's just her body there and her spirit is free and elsewhere.   I also go in part to make sure the grave siite is OK.  Sometimes storms blow over the artificial flowers, etc.   My therapist says I should only visit if I feel up to it and to not force myself.  She hopes I will get to the point I want to visit her grave as opposed to doing it out of a sense of duty.  Personally I am tired of crying in my car in a graveyard.  I really hope her spirit is with me some of the time and out exploring the world the rest of it. 

[tlc]

I believe that my love is here with me. That's where he would want to be.

I have his photo where I can see it most of the day and have flowers always next to it. I am lucky enough to have a beautiful garden and have flowers most of the year. 

 

[Carol34]

During the time Paul and I were married, we both lost our mothers, and he lost two brothers.  We were together for 20 years, and never visited the graves.  His sister and his older brother visited the "family plot" on a regular basis, but Paul didn't feel the need for that.  I've never visited the site where my parents are buried, although my sister visits regularly.  We talked about our funeral/burial plans, and decided to both be cremated.  He did not want his ashes buried, so I looked for the perfect urn.  I didn't like the looks of the standard ones, and then I found the perfect thing.  It's a rosewood box, with the Tree of Life hand carved on it.  He was a very casual person in life, and he loved nature and the outdoors.  So when I saw this urn, it spoke to me.  It's sitting on a shelf in my living room.  That was my long winded way of saying that I visit him every day.

[KayC]

I scattered my husband's ashes in our back yard in front of our forest.  I held onto them for two years first as I wasn't sure where to put them, we'd always talked about doing so on our favorite walk, only we hadn't settled on a favorite.  One day it came to me THIS is where he felt most comfortable!  THIS is the place he dubbed "Our home in the clouds!"  We live in the mountains with our own creek, lots of trees, we used to love to sit on the back patio in our porch swing and watch the deer feed, or the hummingbirds come to fight over the feeder.  

So when I look out my patio door I see the graves where my animals lay, and the tombstones of them all, including one marking where George's ashes were put to rest, long ago absorbed by the earth or blown in the wind...it is symbolic I know, but I know he would have loved where I gave him his "final resting place" and am at peace wiith it.  It's where I want my ashes to go someday...I've let my kids know.  They call it the "family gravesite."

@cmp34  That sounds perfect.

5 hours ago, Michael M said:

I really hope her spirit is with me some of the time and out exploring the world the rest of it. 

I think that's how it is.  I still talk to George, most of the time in my mind but sometimes aloud too.  But then I also talk to my dead animals.  People would probably label me a crazy old lady if they knew...

4 hours ago, tlc said:

I have his photo where I can see it most of the day and have flowers always next to it.

And that sounds beautiful too. 

[Michael M]

11 hours ago, tlc said:

I have his photo where I can see it most of the day and have flowers always next to it. I am lucky enough to have a beautiful garden and have flowers most of the year. 

 

I have a photo in our bedroom that I see when I go to sleep and first thing when I wake up.  Also one on the kitchen nook table so I see it all day and I eat with her.   I often leave food offerings (Japanese style) for her as well.

[tnd]

I like your idea with the photos.  I would think photos could bring both sadness and joy. A gravesite I think is a little harder emotionally.

My mother passed away 8 years ago and her ashes were buried. I have yet to visit the site but at some point I will. I want to go alone and right now transportation is a bit of a problem for me. My husband's ashes were sent to his family to be divided between them in his home state. One member was to save about a vile full to send to me when I get my own place. I don't know what I will do with them, I don't think about it. Too sad. If he had been buried, I probably would initially visit several times and then maybe just a few times a year on special occasions. If I found it too hard then probably not as often. Pictures of him and us together would be better for me. I pray our photos were packed. 

 

[Jen H]

My love donated his body to science.  He didn't have a will or life insurance so he decided this was best.  My mother did the same thing so I brought up this idea to him.  I chose to do this too since I have no family besides my disabled daughter and brother.  I could care less what happens to my body after I die.  It's very unselfish though some people may not like the idea. I haven't got his remains yet and idk what I will do or how I will feel when I receive them.  

[tnd]

41 minutes ago, Jen H said:

My love donated his body to science.  He didn't have a will or life insurance so he decided this was best.  My mother did the same thing so I brought up this idea to him.  I chose to do this too

Jen H:  That is what my mother did. She wanted the med students to have her. They said that med students learn best on cadavers and there is/was a shortage. They worked on her remains for 2 years and then cremated them. They held a funeral service, complete with bagpipe players for the families of other donors who were cremated and buried at the same time. There was no charge unless a family wants the ashes. My mother did not want anyone to have her ashes. I watched a video. It was very nicely done and proper. I didn't go...I don't do funerals, been to too many. I want to sign up for Willed Body Program too and maybe even be buried at the same med school's private cemetery. We were told that the students help to maintain the grave sites because it helps them to honor the donor. The grounds are kept very nice and family can visit any time. My husband was a little squeamish about it but then wanted to, only we didn't get around to signing him up before he passed.  

[Carol34]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

My husband's ashes were sent to his family to be divided between them in his home state. One member was to save about a vile full to send to me when I get my own place. I don't know what I will do with them,

 

I already mentioned that I have my husband's ashes here at the house.  But I also bought an urn ring, which I wear constantly.  It's heart-shaped, and says "always in my heart" inside.  His daughter bought an urn necklace.  I took them to the funeral home, so they could put some ashes in each of them.  The ring gives me a lot of comfort.

[Sparky1]

Years ago my wife called me at work and said she wanted us to buy a crypt that was available almost across from her father. I was thinking isn't it a little early to think about something like this, but she insisted and we got the crypt. Little did we both know that she ended being placed in it last year. My spot is there on top of her as well. It was one less thing to worry about when she passed away and I am grateful that she had the wisdom to get it when it was available because we got a good deal on it. I go visit her once a week, for about 5 or 10 minutes. I make sure that it's kept as others put junk on it that I don't want being there such as crappy flowers and little cards. The cemetery originally had made a mistake with the plaque and I had to wait a few months until they replaced it with a new one. It came from a foundry in the States someplace as it is a cast bronze or copper plaque. I realize it's only her body resting there but it's the only tangible thing I have and I honour her in this way.  Her spirit is with me no matter where I am.

[widower2]

16 hours ago, Michael M said:

I visit my wife's grave about once every 6 weeks.  I feel like it's not often enough, but it tears me up every time I go.  I have such mixed feelings.  I feel that I am going to visit her while at the same time I feel it's just her body there and her spirit is free and elsewhere. 

I get both of those viewpoints, but suggest focusing on the latter. It's a focal point, which is important, but not where she really is. As has been suggested to you, go if it helps, but not if it causes you pain and you feel you "have" to. IMO

My beloved was cremated. Her mother was to get the urn, but allowed me to have it for awhile, which I appreciated a lot. About a month or so after she passed, her trailer trash daughters came to the house when I wasn't there (long story) and without asking took it. I know they did it just to be aholes too. You don't want to know what I wanted to do to them and probably would have if I had the opportunity then. Never saw her urn again and probably never will and God only knows what they did with it. But I remind myself it's not her, it's not even her body, just what's left after the cremation. Sort of like having a lock of hair. 

[Michael M]

42 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I get both of those viewpoints, but suggest focusing on the latter. It's a focal point, which is important, but not where she really is. As has been suggested to you, go if it helps, but not if it causes you pain and you feel you "have" to. IMO

My beloved was cremated. Her mother was to get the urn, but allowed me to have it for awhile, which I appreciated a lot. About a month or so after she passed, her trailer trash daughters came to the house when I wasn't there (long story) and without asking took it. I know they did it just to be aholes too. You don't want to know what I wanted to do to them and probably would have if I had the opportunity then. Never saw her urn again and probably never will and God only knows what they did with it. But I remind myself it's not her, it's not even her body, just what's left after the cremation. Sort of like having a lock of hair. 

I have a lock of my wife's hair as well. 

[Gail 8588]

My husband is buried in a "green" conservation cemetery (no embalming, only untreated wood or other natural biodegradable containers such as a woven basket casket, or even a simple cotton shroud). A small 2-inch brass marker identifies the grave located in 90 acres of conservation cemetery land, surrounded by 600 acres of conservation land owned by the same land trust and adjacent to 21,000 acres of state park.  Miles of hiking trails go through the conservation land. Wildlife is everywhere. There is a fox den within sight of my husband's grave. 

The first six months I visited his grave about once a month. My first move reduced my commute time to his grave by half, to 40 miles one-way, and I was no longer trying to sell my house, so I visited his grave nearly every weekend for the 9 months I lived in that rental house.  When I moved to Tallahassee, it is now over 3 hours drive, one-way, for me to visit his grave, so I only go 3 or 4 times a year. 

But I talk with John everyday and feel he is with me always.  Pictures of him are all over my house and I wear a locket with his photo most of the time when I leave home.

Gail

[foreverhis]

On 12/10/2021 at 3:52 AM, cmp34 said:

We talked about our funeral/burial plans, and decided to both be cremated.  He did not want his ashes buried, so I looked for the perfect urn.  I didn't like the looks of the standard ones, and then I found the perfect thing.  It's a rosewood box, with the Tree of Life hand carved on it.  He was a very casual person in life, and he loved nature and the outdoors.  So when I saw this urn, it spoke to me.  It's sitting on a shelf in my living room.  That was my long winded way of saying that I visit him every day.

That's similar to John and me.  We had talked about everything and were right in sync with what we wanted.  We even took the option to add a few specifics to our medical PoAs. 

Quite a bit of those first weeks is a fog and a blur, but I remember so clearly going to the funeral home and having to make choices.  We didn't have pre-paid plans or anything, so I had to decide.  Some of the weirdest thoughts came to me.  I was very clear from the outset that we would not be having any services there, but that I appreciated the option.  The woman assigned to us, well me, sat with me to put everything together.  One of the choices was the "cremation casket."  There was a big screen showing everything from the "reinforced, recycled cardboard" ($200) to "solid walnut with maple and oak veneer, padded pure silk lining and pillows, and solid brass hardware" ($9,000).  I said, "I'm going to stop you right there.  My husband was a woodworker for 50 years and felt great respect for woods.  He would be furious if I chose beautiful wood only to have it cremated with him."  She smiled a tiny smile and replied, "So, the reinforced, recycled cardboard then?"  Of course that's what I chose. 

Then we got to the urn rooms.  John hated traditional urns, so I selected a handsome leather cylinder in dark, dark burgundy with contrasting stitching.  It sits on top of our entertainment center with a favorite snapshot of him with our granddaughter that I took the last time our girls visited before John was diagnosed.  I tell people, only half jokingly, that it's "so he can keep an eye on me."  It gives me a great deal of comfort to know he's here with me.

Still, some day if I have the money, I'd like to honor his request to scatter his ashes in the places he loved most and that he mentioned.  His number one spot is very expensive to get to at this point, so he may stay with me always

[tnd]

6 hours ago, cmp34 said:

But I also bought an urn ring, which I wear constantly.  It's heart-shaped, and says "always in my heart" inside.  His daughter bought an urn necklace.  I took them to the funeral home, so they could put some ashes in each of them.  The ring gives me a lot of comfort.

cmp34:  Like a wood door frame, my fingers expand and contract a lot. My wedding ring kept falling off so I put it away. Bothers me to not be wearing it tho. I am thinking of getting a bright colored leather necklace cord to wear both my ring and my husband's. Maybe a third ring, like an urn ring as you suggest, would be an idea for some of his ashes and I could wear all 3 together. Not sure yet what I will do. Thank you, tho for the idea. Especially since you said the ring brings you comfort. That got my interest up.      

[tnd]

4 hours ago, widower2 said:

her trailer trash daughters came to the house when I wasn't there (long story) and without asking took it.

widower2:  I'm sorry the little she-devils did that. That's not only mean and childish but they crossed a line doing what they did. Glad you showed great restraint and didn't go after them. They're probably lucky to be alive. 

I will only be getting a vile full of my husband's ashes. I knew I didn't want an urn. For some reason I think it would depress me or else I'd have trouble deciding where to scatter them. I don't even know what I will do with just a vile. I pray that our wedding album and other photos were packed and put with my stuff in storage. I should have paid more attention but was pretty upset and not thinking clearly when I left the apartment. He had a wonderful smile in photos and I know that I'd like to see that smile again. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

My husband is buried in a "green" conservation cemetery (no embalming, only untreated wood or other natural biodegradable containers such as a woven basket casket, or even a simple cotton shroud).

Gail 8588:  I feel like I'm really getting to know you! From previous postings, given the lifestyle you had together his burial seems very appropriate and admirable. Very honoring of his love for nature. I keep reading about these types of burials and cemeteries. At first I thought...no way! But more and more it makes sense and really seems so natural and peaceful. I know when my time comes I do not want to be buried in the ground. I want to "will" by body to a medical school and then be cremated. Having an illness may knock me out from qualifying, they want bodies that are generally not damaged from disease, surgeries or meds or drug abuse. But since my disease is rare who knows, they may just want to have me to study and I think they should.   

[KayC]

On 12/10/2021 at 3:00 PM, tnd said:

I pray our photos were packed. 

Me too.  

Quote

I don't know what I will do with them

@tnd You can have them made into a diamond necklace if you so choose.  I would have done that with George's had I known about it at the time.. I never knew they could make gems out of ashes.

 

 

[Carol34]

55 minutes ago, KayC said:

Me too.  

You can have them made into a diamond necklace if you so choose.  I would have done that with George's had I known about it at the time.. I never knew tthey could make gems out of ashes.

KayC, I didn't know you could have them made into a gem either. I just looked it up and saw that it wouldn't have made a difference if I had known.  Those prices are way out of my budget!

By the way, you quoted me, saying, "I don't know what I will do with them" but it wasn't me who said that.  Strange.

55 minutes ago, KayC said:

 

 

 

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But I talk with John everyday and feel he is with me always.  Pictures of him are all over my house and I wear a locket with his photo most of the time when I leave home.

I agree.  I feel John with me every day.  Whether his ashes remain with me or not, he'll still be with me.  I talk to him still and likely always will.

[KayC]

That is strange, someone quoted me the other day too and it wasn't me that said it, maybe something goofy going on in the website.   I tried to fix it, it was tnd that said it.  

 

[Jen H]

On 12/10/2021 at 7:05 PM, tnd said:

Jen H:  That is what my mother did. She wanted the med students to have her. They said that med students learn best on cadavers and there is/was a shortage. They worked on her remains for 2 years and then cremated them. They held a funeral service, complete with bagpipe players for the families of other donors who were cremated and buried at the same time. There was no charge unless a family wants the ashes. My mother did not want anyone to have her ashes. I watched a video. It was very nicely done and proper. I didn't go...I don't do funerals, been to too many. I want to sign up for Willed Body Program too and maybe even be buried at the same med school's private cemetery. We were told that the students help to maintain the grave sites because it helps them to honor the donor. The grounds are kept very nice and family can visit any time. My husband was a little squeamish about it but then wanted to, only we didn't get around to signing him up before he passed.  

I didn't go to my mother's either as I don't do funerals as well.  I sent pictures for them to show and planned on being there  but could not get myself to go.  I also have an urn heart necklace that says forever in my heart.  I love the diamond idea.  Maybe I will do that with him and with my mother.  Thanks for that idea Kay! Wish I had some of my dads ashes.  I seen where you can get a glass ornament made with their hair.  His hair was falling out again from his last treatment so I happened to randomly find some a couple of times.  

[Jemiga70]

My beautiful wife was cremated.  I chose the carved wooden box for her ashes.  I felt she guided me to choose that exact one because there were dozens to choose from and I was in a terrible fog of grief and had "choice paralysis."  In our apartment I made a shrine for her with the box and some trinkets from Japan and elsewhere from our travels, and there's a Buddhist mandala painting that overlooks it all. Some days I burn incense and talk to her at the shrine, even though I know she is around wherever I go and I talk to her everywhere, as someone else mentioned here.

There is a company in Florida that fuses cremation ashes with gems and makes nice rings and such.  Not sure I can name them here? The company was began by a couple who lost their twentysomething son.  I might contact them down the road, after the tattoo artist.

[KayC]

I think it'd be okay to, we aren't allowed to "advertise" or promote something but that would just be letting people know where they can find this service.

[Beau]

Graves are important to me. 

Graves were important to us.

When we lived in our hometown, we did major clean ups of the plots and graves of people we knew.

Logically, I know it's just a place like any other and that the person is not there. It's a cultural thing and it is hard to renounce. 

When we moved to Canada, Annemarie was sad that the graves we uses to look after would be neglected. I was okay with it, but understood why it was difficult for her.

And then she died. As Catholics, burial in a consacrated place was a must. In a way, I wanted to cremate her but the thought of the process on her body was too terrible to contemplate and went for the traditional burial...

That was a mistake. I didn't end up staying in Canada, basically abandoned her grave in a place I'm not likely to return to, and it's something I think about, regret deeply and hurts. 

Her godfather visits Canada every now and then, I asked him if he'll look after her grave when he's there. I know he will, but it should be me. I should be doing the work and visiting her grave. 

Exhumation is constantly in my mind, but it's not doable right now. I don't know what I'll do. Her godfather will probably outlive us all but if he doesn't... Her grave will be another nameless, abandoned spot and I find that unacceptable. It's another thing for me to fail at. 

[William M]

I buried my wife last month, It's what we both wanted. Immediately after her death, my father purchased a "immediate family plot" in a cemetery that has several of our relatives.including my grandparents buried there. See loved them and wanted to be there too one day. I know her spirit is not there, but  she will have a somewhat permanent stone that states this is me and I existed once. There is a small bench my son already installed, and I like to sit there and talk to her, or attempt to through my tears. I've been there 5 or 6 times in the last month since her interment, but it IS hard for me currently. Most of the frequent visits  this month is because of Christmas. I brought her a live Poinsettia plant that needed water water ever few days. On one trip I even brought her 2 cherished puppies to visit. I guess it means nothing, but I want it to. It's all I have left. Photos are not enough for me......

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Beau said:

Her grave will be another nameless, abandoned spot and I find that unacceptable.

Does it have a memorial stone?  I found these online, very inexpensive and they stand the test of time (for our lifetimes anyway) and I got one to mark the spot I scattered George's ashes, also some for each of my pets' graves.  You can get promo codes on line too.  https://www.personalcreations.com/product/cross-memorial-stone-30263224?REF=PCRSRCHgoog_Sympathy&PRID=pcrsrch25ypad&productgroup=psephds&trackingpgroup=psephds

2 hours ago, William M said:

There is a small bench my son already installed, and I like to sit there and talk to her,

I like that.  I look out over my backyard, where we often sat together on our porch swing, where we were supposed to grow old together, and see the spot his ashes lay.  I know it's where he'd want them to be.

[Wavesnsky]

I probably stop at her grave at least once a week. It’s right on my way to town. It is still very emotional and raw. Surreal, even though I dislike that word, it still doesn’t seem real.  I talk to her all the time, something about being there is extra hard. I think it’s the memory of the funeral. Someday my hope is to be able to go there and be at peace just like I know she is.  It is a very beautiful, peaceful place on a hill overlooking the river. Very soon I plan on planting flowers and wildflowers over the whole grave instead of grass. She loved to garden. I might as well make it a place of beauty to match the kind of person she was.

[AJ4]

My husband was cremated and I still have his ashes.  Like others said, when I saw the urn in the catalog it spoke to me and seemed like the right one.   I want to scatter the ashes some day but I don't know where- I feel paralyzed by indecision on that question.   I don't really feel closest to him where the ashes are- I feel more often close to him when his spirit is floating above the bed.   (It sounds spooky when I write it, but in my head it felt normal).  When his favorite dog died recently she also got cremated and I put her ashes right next to his.  I like to think their spirits could be company for each other.  IDK.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, AnnikaMcguire said:

I'm new on this forum

Welcome to our group, this is like a family from all over the world, we support each other, listen, care about one another.  It helps to know others that are going through it.  My family cared but didn't have a clue what I was going through, they still have their spouses while I lost mine nearly 18 years ago!

It helps to read/post every day, to know we aren't alone, but it also helps us process our grief and we learn from each other.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

7 hours ago, Wavesnsky said:

I probably stop at her grave at least once a week. It’s right on my way to town.

My husband's ashes were scattered in our back yard, in front of a large tree where I have his memorial stone propped up.  When I go out on the patio I can see the spot and think of him.

8 minutes ago, AJ4 said:

I like to think their spirits could be company for each other.  IDK.  

I get that, I'd feel the same.  My Lucky (George and my dog) is buried right in front of where his ashes are.

[I miss you so much]

On 12/11/2021 at 3:41 AM, widower2 said:

 About a month or so after she passed, her trailer trash daughters came to the house when I wasn't there (long story) and without asking took it. I know they did it just to be aholes too. You don't want to know what I wanted to do to them and probably would have if I had the opportunity then. Never saw her urn again and probably never will and God only knows what they did with it. But I remind myself it's not her, it's not even her body, just what's left after the cremation. Sort of like having a lock of hair. 

It's so shocking meeting the evil, specially when we weren't prepared

[I miss you so much]

I go to the cemetery about once a week. Sometimes two times a week. It's about 1 hour from where I am.

I take care of the plants I've brought to him. I've planted some of  the pots in the earth, so as the plants aren't threw away by the wind.

I check too in case of his daughter/his daughter's family had vandalized (destroy the decoration or threw to the cemetery trash the plants I've brought). It's not the first time.

I feel close to him digging in the earth with my own hands. He was a gardener, we used to dream about the day we would have our own house and garden.

[Ozarkk]

Hey there! Personally, I try to visit my loved one's grave whenever I can, usually about once a month. It's important for me to take that time to remember and honor them. I find solace in those moments, reflecting on the memories we shared and the impact they had on my life. It's a way for me to feel connected to them and keep their memory alive. So, yeah, visiting the grave is something I make an effort to do regularly. By the way, have you ever considered creating a Memorial for your loved one? It can be a beautiful tribute to their life and a way to share their story with others.

[KayC]

I spread my husband's ashes in our back yard two years after he died, it took me that long to think clearly enough to realize THIS is the place he felt most comfortable and at home in, the happiest he'd ever been!  He always called it "Our home in the clouds."  (Live in the mountains)  So when I look outside I can see the spot in front of the big DF tree, our "family cemetery" as my kids have dubbed it.  It's where I want my ashes laid to rest.  It's where my dogs and cats are buried.

[Gail 8588]

I visit my husband's grave 2 or 3 times a year.  It is 250 miles from where I live. 

I'll be there on Saturday, as we will be burying his brother in a plot very near his. It is a conservation cemetery, no headstones, no embalming, the land is maintained as a wildlife sanctuary. There are small markers of each grave. 

Since he died, his sister's husband, my brother's wife and now his brother have all been buried within 50 feet of him.  We are starting to have a family wing in the cemetery.

[KayC]

That sounds good. My dad is in a cemetery, my mom's ashes are at my brother's who was supposed to scatter them at the coast but never did.  My sister and BIL's are in a river at a park near her. My other sister's are in a river at a park in Eugene.  My husband's are in my backyard.  If I ever sell this place because I can no longer take care of it, I can still enter enough to peek through a neighboring backyard.  My kids will scatter my ashes here and can do so without a stone if occupied but I want it written in the contract that they can still maintain that right.  I don't want to be on someone's bookshelf.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Since he died, his sister's husband, my brother's wife and now his brother have all been buried within 50 feet of him.  We are starting to have a family wing in the cemetery.

Okay, I shouldn't, but I'm chuckling.  And not just because the thought is amusing, but because the same could be said for a corner of the memorial park and cemetery where most of my family's last two generations "reside" in niches (cremation).  About 50 years ago, my grandparents, parents, and aunts and uncles bought pre-paid niches and simple memorial packages.  My mom was the last of the two generations to die, so I dug out the then 40 year old paperwork and goggled at the cost:  Less than $400 for everything, including the double niche shared with my dad, a custom plaque with special engraving, and the services themselves.

When we had her inurned, we marveled at the fact that the center "rows" of that quiet, almost secluded area were pretty much all our family, their own little corner of the world.  Plus, our best friends' family has regular burial plots just across the way in the same cemetery.  Their older generations had done the same thing as ours.  Now that the last grandma has been buried, we joke about how they too have their own "rows."

For now, John's ashes remain with me in the handsome leather cylinder I chose.  Usually, he is on top of our old entertainment center where he can "keep an eye on me" (I say half jokingly).  I find comfort in that.  But today, I moved him to our bedroom because our daughter and granddaughter are visiting me this weekend and into next week.  Our daughter gets creeped out by ashes, so my compromise was the bedroom.  She kind of wants them out of the house when she visits, but that's a non-starter for me.  I told her that John will not leave this house, not even for her.  Of course, we know he isn't there because his spirit and soul left this world 5 years ago, but it still upsets her to see him.  Some day, if I ever have the emotional strength and budget, I will take him and scatter him in the places he requested.  For now, I'm pretty sure he understands why I haven't been able to do that.

[KayC]

59 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Usually, he is on top of our old entertainment center where he can "keep an eye on me" (I say half jokingly).

I love that! So cute!

[foreverhis]

On 7/14/2023 at 12:32 PM, KayC said:

I love that! So cute!

Thanks, Kay.  I still talk to John and find a kind of peace knowing the body that contained his spirit and soul is still "here."

He's back on the entertainment center today because our daughter called Friday night to let me know that our granddaughter is too ill to travel.  We're all so disappointed, but our daughter wisely bought the inexpensive flight insurance.  We'll reschedule for August (fingers crossed).

Apparently, our granddaughter has been having what seemed to be intestinal issues, including vomiting.  The pediatrician determined (without testing!) that it was primarily anxiety/stress/teen angst, which seemed likely at first because she's going into high school and only two of her friends are going to the same school, she was stressed about finals and wanted to do well, and she was chosen for a counselor-in-training internship this summer.  She had been worried about doing a good job and "earning" it because so many others applied for it.  And etc. "teen girl" stuff.

Well, it's been getting worse and Friday, she came home from her internship early having vomited--again, headache, vertigo, achy all over, and exhausted.  She's not "sick, sick," but something is seriously wrong.  One minute, she'll be her normal self, feeling fine and being active, and the next she'll be in the bathroom and then laid flat out or napping for 3 hours.  Our daughter has now gone into protective, angry Mama Bear mode with calls into the pediatrician and her own good doctor.  She will not take "It's all in her head" for an answer and plans to demand that it be taken seriously and is insisting on an appointment early next week.  Of course, our daughter is also blaming herself a bit for not questioning the doctor sooner, but it also hasn't been this bad until now.

It could be any number of things from endocrine or hormonal imbalance to one of several conditions that cause severe vertigo.  I did some checking and one possibility stood out for me:  Post-COVID, viral-induced labyrinthitis.  Her symptoms track right down the line for labyrinthitis and this started abruptly after a long bus ride (she gets motion sick easily) to sleep-away science camp 2 months ago.  She had COVID last spring some time, though I can't quite recall when.  She's vaxxed and boosted, so her symptoms were mild and she came through it well and quickly.  She seemed to have no after effects until possibly now. Labyrinthitis can be caused by several things, including being idiopathic, and it may be something different entirely.  But first things first, she needs a full examination and blood work.

In the meantime, we're doing FaceTime daily and trying to keep up our spirits with positive attitudes because negativity is not what she needs right now.  I made sure she knew that I am not the least bit upset with her, just disappointed for all of us and worried about her health.  And I reminded her that her grandpa and I had to cancel or reschedule things because of our health issues, so I understand completely.

So it's a quieter weekend than planned and friends have been stepping in to (1) help consume the food I prepared and (2) keep my own spirits in check so I don't spiral down.  We'll know more soon and can plan from there.  For now, good thoughts and prayers for her are always welcome.

[KayC]

Oh Annie, I am so sorry about your scheduled visit but a lot more upset that your granddaughter is so ill.  Praying for the doctors to have wisdom and to correctly diagnose and treat her.  Glad you have friends to come help you consume the food and esp. to lift your spirits.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, KayC said:

Glad you have friends to come help you consume the food and esp. to lift your spirits.

I have the best friends a person could ask for. They’re pretty darn amazing. All have sent love and/or prayers to Lorelei. I told her that yesterday and it seemed to lift her mood. She’s so darn frustrated not knowing what’s wrong with her. But she’s doing her best to not let it get too depressing.

We will FaceTime again today. Usually it’s about once a week. I have to admit that is generally the right amount for me because she’s a talkative teenager and those calls can go on for 2 hours. For now, we’re doing 20-30 minutes of mostly chitchat, which her mom says is helping with her emotions and frustration. Our daughter lets us talk without “butting in” because she knows that we need that separate relationship and connection. Sometimes the three of us will get on the call and it’s so good to see both their faces.

We hope to get some answers within the next week or so.

[Gail 8588]

On 7/14/2023 at 12:12 PM, KayC said:

. . . I don't want to be on someone's bookshelf.

Kay, 

I am with you on that. I don't want to be in an urn in one of my kids house. I am good with being in the woods in Florida. 

Two years after John was buried, a fox had a den below a brush pile from a large tree that had come down very close to his grave. She had 2 or 3 little fox kits.  Several people visiting my husband saw them.  I thought it was wonderful that they had a protected place to live and John could "watch" them grow up. 

I know it is a long way from where I live, and that will be true for my boys when I am buried there too. But I talk to John all the time and feel his presence with me in Tallahassee or at the beach or wherever I am.  I told the boys this week that when I'm buried there with Dad they don't need to feel bad about not visiting much, they can talk to us anytime from anywhere.

Gail

[Gail 8588]

@foreverhis

Annie, 

I am so sorry your granddaughter has this mystery illness. Hopefully the doctors will track down what the problem is and get it fixed. It is great that you are face timing with her. I am sure you do lift her spirits. 

Gail

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I told the boys this week that when I'm buried there with Dad they don't need to feel bad about not visiting much, they can talk to us anytime from anywhere.

I feel this too, I don't imagine my kids will visit much, it's enough to me to be where I am most at peace and that would be here, and even though we aren't there, it's a figurative thing, our spirits will have soared...

[AJ4]

I'm going on a trip next summer, and one of the countries is a place some of my husband's ancestors came from, and one we had always hoped to visit together.  I want to take along a bit of his ashes (not  much - I don't want to get in trouble with airlines or countries) and scatter them as a gesture.   Does anyone have experience with this?   

[Bou]

Everyday.  He is in the container he came home in.  He is in the kitchen looking out for all of us.  For now he is fine.  Someday we will move him on......when?  I don't know I guess when I am ready.  He always wanted to be buried in a coffee container.   His joke.  He will be scattered here and there (favorite places) but for now I can't rip him apart yet.  He likes looking over us..... I just know it.  

[KayC]

It took me two years to figure out what to do with George, we'd always talked about spreading them on our favorite walk, only never talked about what that walk was.  The places we used to walk were destroyed by USFS and loggers that made a shambles of the paths and never cleaned it up.  It finally hit me, he was more at ease at home, here in the mountains, than anywhere and always called it "Our home in the clouds."  That settled it, this is also where I want my ashes scattered.  If/when the time comes I can no longer manage to live here there'll have to have an agreement with the owners that my kids be allowed to scatter my ashes here.  

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

@foreverhis Hoping your granddaughter is feeling better and that your daughter has got some answers from the doctors.

Thank you so much.  We'll be doing FaceTime again today.  We don't have any answers yet, but her mom told me that she has been having other symptoms the past few days of fever, swollen and red throat, and bit of an ear ache.  I'm beginning to wonder if the strep infection she had this spring didn't entirely get cured by the original antibiotics and just kind of "sat there" biding time until it could attack again.  It could easily be in her inner ears and eustachian tubes, which would certainly explain her severe vertigo and vomiting without other intestinal symptoms.  We'll see.  Her mom is definitely on it now and quite upset with the doctors and with herself for not seeing the signs.  She's got appointments for exam and testing, which is certainly the right direction for now.

It's hard being literally a thousand miles away, but technology really is a blessing these days.  Phone calls are great and texting is good for quick check ins, but being able to see each other makes all the difference.  Here's a cute story (well, I think it is).  Our granddaughter and John were really close.  They adored each other, especially because our daughter's fiance decided he "didn't want to be a father after all" and bailed on her.  He pays a modicum of child support, 50% of her after school programs, and some healthcare, so at least he's man enough to own that responsibility.  But our daughter has sole physical and legal custody.  We were less than thrilled that she'd be a single mom, but that's just the way it worked out.  John said it was better that he showed his true colors before our granddaughter was born so we could all adjust to it. 

Anyway, once she was old enough to use her mom's phone, our granddaughter called regularly just to talk or tell a story or ask about something.  The thing is that, as much as she loves me and I know she does, it was her beloved grandpa she wanted to talk to most of the time.  If I answered the phone, the conversation would be something like "Hello?" "Hi, grannie."  "Hi, sweetie.  How are you?  How was your day?"  "Good...(pause)...Grannie?"  "Yes?"  "Um, can I talk to grandpa?"  (He'd be waiting and grinning.)  "Of course.  Hold on a second."  Then I'd hand off the phone with a chuckle and they'd talk and talk.  I was never insulted because their relationship was so special and because she and I had our own times when they visited us or we visited them.

Now I think it's my responsibility to keep him alive in her heart, though she hardly needs the reminder.  Sometimes she'll ask "Do you think grandpa would be proud of me?" if she's done something extra good or she'll ask what he would say if she's asking for advice.  And we talk about him as I assure her he would be proud or tell her what I think he might advise.  Then I might tell her a story about when her mom was young or just a memory from years ago.  He was the best dad and grandpa anyone could ask for.  It's so hard knowing how much he's missing and how much she misses him.

[KayC]

Hard telling, strep itself should go away same week even if untreated, but complications can arise...
https://www.osfhealthcare.org/blog/what-to-know-about-strep-throat/#:~:text=Strep throat typically resolves in,following the start of antibiotics.

[foreverhis]

Thanks, Kay.  She has a strong immune system, but we fear her mild case of COVID left her a little vulnerable for a while.  She's had strep before (no surprise there) and come through it quickly and fine, which seemed to be and might still be the case this time.  On our FaceTime last night, she was clearly feeling better as far as the fever, sore throat, etc., though her vertigo and related symptoms are still severe.  She's just so darn frustrated not understanding why this is happening, especially when she's been healthy all her life until now.

Her counselor-in-training position has her with the 5-7 year olds, who no doubt are bringing in the "cooties" that age always do.  She might have picked up a summer cold that's resolving quickly and is unrelated to her other issues.  But at least her spirits have improved overall.  She was positively giddy showing me a "lip tint" that a friend got for her to cheer her up.