When

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

John9, 

I think you are right, that some people who lose their partner didn't have the same connection to them that we, on this forum, had.  The folks that come here are broken, devastated, traumatized and lost without their true loves.  We lost our soulmates, whether we were married for 50 years or just beginning our relationship together.  We were, as you say, "All In".   

There is something very remarkable about such a relationship between two people.  As much as it hurt, and still hurts, to lose my soulmate, I feel very blessed to have had such a relationship.  

Gail

Absolutely, Gail.  That's how it was for us.  John was my everything.  He was far from perfect (me too, of course), but he was a miracle to me.  He accepted me, even on my worst days, as I accepted him.  We were best friends, partners, fellow adventurers (even bought me adventuring hats!), lovers, parents, confidantes, and well, all-and-everything.  I could have been content in this life to just be at home with him forever.  Sure, we had bad days and a few rip-roaring angry times, but we had "rules" too.  We never swore at each other or screamed or threatened.  We respected each other. 

His home care nurse looked at us sitting on the sofa one time as she wrote up her notes.  He was teasing me and I was laughing.  We were casually touching as couples do.  She said she rarely saw couples so connected, so together at such a terrible time.  John said, "That's because we don't just love each other, we like each other."

I know what a risk we take when we give our whole heart and soul to our one love.  Even knowing I'd be where I am now, I'd still jump in heart first and not look back because John was worth every moment of pain and despair I'm "paying" with now.  I never thought otherwise, not even on my worst days down in "the dark pit."

[steveb]

Your analogy is right on point tnd.  The grief, emptiness, and mental/physical exhaustion of being without our loved ones simply causes you to pretty much shut down.  It seems like it will never end, but we gradually make our adjustments and move “forward”.  

[KayC]

On 7/13/2021 at 7:17 AM, Ainslie said:

They tell me to get over it, I’m young I will find someone new.

OMG, totally horrible response!!!  I would print them an article telling them point blank how to be supportive of you!
Helping Another in Grief
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
Helpful-NOT!

On 7/13/2021 at 8:08 AM, MaryB said:

You guys get it.  And I don't feel so alone anymore.

And I am so glad!

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Larrys wife said:

I'm glad someone else is able to admit how it feels, not wanting to be here. To find that someone understands.  I used to wake up expressing gratitude for another day, now its more "how long do I have to keep doing this?"    I go through the motions.  I do my work, I meet people for lunch.  I pretend.  Everything is meaningless, and all the decisions are overwhelming.. he's not here to talk them through.   I went from loving my life to hating my life in a single day.    We were together 39 years and that is so much to be grateful for, and I am.   But I just don't want to do this.  "One more day.  You can do this one more day."  I hear in response to my plea.  I'm barely 3 weeks into this.  

 

My heart goes out to you.  We didn't get that long as we didn't meet until our mid-40s, I felt gypped as he was my soul mate, the only one who ever loved me and I him!  But regardless of how much time, loss is loss and grief is grief and 16 years later I still love and miss him continually.  I've "gotten used to" being alone but still do not like it!  This was never my druthers!  I wanted to grow old with him, instead I am growing old alone...always alone.  Doing one day at a time is the only way I can do this, looking at "the whole rest of my life" is way too much to take on!  My anxiety can be runaway without doing that.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, tnd said:

But then I found that sometimes I have to take it in blocks of time...by the moment.

Absolutely!  Sometimes we have to break even that down into something more biteable.  

13 hours ago, tnd said:

Makes me think of how an Opossum plays dead when approached by a possible predator. But the the poor Opossum may lay there like that in a paralyzed state for hours, becoming even more vulnerable. I know that sounds like a silly analogy but really, not much different from how I feel these days. 

Not silly at all, a good analogy.

 

12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Even knowing I'd be where I am now, I'd still jump in heart first and not look back because John was worth every moment of pain and despair I'm "paying" with now.  I never thought otherwise, not even on my worst days down in "the dark pit."

I feel the same.  Any moment with him was worth the price I'm paying now.

[John9]

I come here to try to make it through another day without my wife, not to say my marriage was better than "yours". My marriage was the BEST DECISION I ever made and my wife was my EVERYTHING and I am not saying that to be dramatic it is the TRUTH. Without her I feel like less than nothing and as I write this the tears are once again flowing (as if they ever stop) I have NEVER felt this bad this long about ANYONE else I have lost (and there are too many). As I said before, I try to fulfill God's plan for me each day so that I may join my wife. My heart and soul was in my devotion to my wife and now I have to TRY to keep going. There is nothing I would not have done for her, I would have changed places with her in a second (not that the overall outcome would be better) I would have taken a bullet for her. I think that the world is worse off without her I KNOW I am. My wife truly held my HEART and now I am EMPTY without her as she took it with her. She was  the FIRST woman I made LOVE to and the ONLY woman I made LOVE to and the LAST one too. This PAIN is the worse thing ever.

[Larrys wife]

You are all correct that it is more moment to moment than day by day.  Yesterday I was fairly strong, this morning I couldn't stop crying long enough to get dressed.  I "visit" Larry through photos of us and sometimes that helps and sometimes, like this morning I just lose it because more than anything I want to hold him and I can't bare the thought of waiting 30 years or so.  It feels like a prison sentence.  It is a comfort to come here and be understood, and not have to listen to platitudes that really don't help at all.  I'm so sorry that we are all in this unique club, but I thank you for the welcome and understanding.

[John9]

Larrys wife,

 I have to agree with you and I don't want to "suffer" through this for the time I had HOPED to have been with my wife, I wanted to at least get to 50 years of marriage (16 to go) and that didn't happen. Now I don't want to be here at all and it's been almost 18 weeks, today is day 123 and it is much too difficult to even "think" about anything but her and what I can't HAVE and as many good memories as I have the SADNESS just pushes them away. Again today I was cutting the yard on the tractor crying as I cut because of "songs" and memories. I hope you find some peace coming here and I have said I come to read, vent, listen and maybe "help" others but mostly just "talk" to other members of our "club".

[John9]

I am once again sitting here SAD when I am hit with another WAVE of emotions. This time I think ONE of the reasons this is SO HARD is I had cared for my friend for almost 12 years before he died in January and have been caring for MIL for 5 years (with wife) and I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO CARE for my own wife, The MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life and she died so suddenly and unexpectedly and I didn't get to do anything for her like I have been doing for others and it SUCKS. I know everyone here lost someone IMPORTANT and I am sorry for all of your losses but this is really hard for me to process the way everything just fell apart so fast. I DON'T get it, I can't wrap my broken brain around it KARMA sucks and it's not right.

[Larrys wife]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I am once again sitting here SAD when I am hit with another WAVE of emotions. This time I think ONE of the reasons this is SO HARD is I had cared for my friend for almost 12 years before he died in January and have been caring for MIL for 5 years (with wife) and I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO CARE for my own wife, The MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life and she died so suddenly and unexpectedly and I didn't get to do anything for her like I have been doing for others and it SUCKS. I know everyone here lost someone IMPORTANT and I am sorry for all of your losses but this is really hard for me to process the way everything just fell apart so fast. I DON'T get it, I can't wrap my broken brain around it KARMA sucks and it's not right.

Suddenly and unexpectedly.  John, I know,. My Larry was cleared of cancer a week before he suffered a fatal heart attack.  We didn't know he had heart issues because when we reported the symptoms, we were told they were side effects of cancer treatment.  We were so busy fighting cancer that we were caught unaware.   I was with him all I could be, but I spent a lot of time trying to keep our business running.  We planned to sell it and travel some, then settle somewhere.   Every plan was centered on "US" .  At times I still  expect this nonsense to end, my hubby to come home and everything will be right again....I just can't accept this new reality. Then it hits and I'm a mess.  Rage, wail , weep, whimper, do whatever it takes.  I hug his photo, his jacket, I pray and friends pray for me.  Like you, we watched my mom die by inches over 5 years.  The one grace is that he didn't have to go through that.   

[John9]

Larrys wife,

 

My wife was having what everyone said was a reaction to Covid vaccine and "blew" her off for a week until Dr. said maybe she had pneumonia and ordered x-ray and antibiotics but x-ray was negative. Finally sent her to ER on Thursday she had an "infection" they admitted her. She had chest pains on Friday Morning had a blockage inserted a stent had trouble with heart rate and blood pressure and Saturday they decided to airlift her to U of M Hospital cardiac unit and they called me to say her heart and lungs stopped and asked what I wanted. I said do whatever you can and about 30 minutes later they called and said she had died. That was the day OUR life ended and MY ALONE life started and I am still caring for MIL watching her "disappear" (at least my wife isn't seeing this) more every "day" . My wife had no known diagnosed medical issues which is "why" to me it was sudden and unexpected. I am not saying it would hurt less if I knew but I didn't know. And because I care for MIL I wasn't there when she died.

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

. . .  I can't wrap my broken brain around it  . . .

John9, 

That was my big problem for a long time.  My brain was broken.  I am generally a very logical person.  But I could not figure out what had happened to my life, who was I, how was I supposed to exist when all of me was so broken.  I couldn't understand how I was even alive without him.  We were one. 

Gail

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I have said I have always been a problem solver, whenever something needed done "everyone" would ask me for help. I can't think straight now and I understand the "grief brain"

and the stress of everything else but it makes no sense to me. We were a team and I am so lost without her in every way possible.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, Larrys wife said:

I just lose it because more than anything I want to hold him and I can't bare the thought of waiting 30 years or so.  It feels like a prison sentence. 

Larrys wife:  I am 57. My husband and I married late in life. Having 14 years together was not enough, felt like we were just getting started. And while I'm grateful to have had even that long, I know I will not remarry and afraid it will seem very much like a prison sentence until he and I "meet again". It is like a slow torture. I asked my brother if I am going to be able to have my computer and internet when I move in with him and his family. He said of course. I asked because I do not want to lose the connection I have with people on this site. If I have to live through the torture of being without my husband, I at least want to have the support of others who understand what it's like and who are willing to share their own honest and real thoughts and not just a bunch of nice-sounding empty advice. 

[John9]

tnd,

I hope when you "get" settled you will continue to ADVISE me at least. HAHAHA ,I need to have this at the very least just to make it through the hours and days. I am a 61 (almost 62) year old man who spent more than half of his life married to his FIRST and ONLY LOVE(R). I also am waiting as you know for the "Prison Sentence" to be over so I can be with my wife again. I do like that I can be HONEST about my feelings and not be judged about it.

[tnd]

27 minutes ago, John9 said:

I do like that I can be HONEST about my feelings and not be judged about it.

John9:  You hit the nail on the head  "not be judged about it". I feel like I am being pushed by my brother and SIL and I don't like it. And not liking it is making me feel selfish. As if they are trying to help me and I am being ungrateful. But I am very grateful that they are taking me into their home, I just don't like some of the comments they make about my health condition and what I need to do about it and then there's the comments of "get ready and in the mood to play Uno and card games with us, we'll have some fun after you get here". Really? I mean, seriously?? So yes, thank god I have you people on here who understand. People I can converse with who don't try blowing smoke up my butt and call it sunshine. 

[John9]

tnd,

I have said that "we" as people have not "learned" what to do to support the GRIEVERS and I would "like" it if there was a PSA about what NOT to do and how to support "US". The comments show that the concept of "get your mind off it" or "don't think about it" or whatever the comments are. I "know" that the support that I would have received from my wife about ANY other death, I would have overlooked any of these types of comments but when the death IS my wife I can't. That may or may not make sense to anyone but I feel that once again it is "context" and "content" that makes me the maddest. Like the "what I would do" statements from someone who has NEVER had to deal with this sort of GRIEF and hopefully NEVER will. I don't have the family to move in with or to move in with me so nobody is here to "offer" the distraction of games and sadly the games are ONE of the things that I miss since my wife died. We used to really enjoy all kinds of "card" games and "board" games. I said I hope she is playing cards in Heaven with her Grandpa because we enjoyed that when we would go over for family events.

[April Ballou]

@John9 yes it's the pure loneliness that's the hardest thing.  I'm like you nobody here except me.  My kids are 37 & 27 years old with houses and families of their own.  I hate it that I don't have Darrell to talk to or anything else.  It's like what do you do with the salt without the pepper.  The worst part is next week would have been his birthday and the 31st would have been our 39th anniversary.  What do I do?  So many questions.  

[Gail 8588]

April, 

I agree, loneliness is the biggest challenge. Because it can't be fixed by just being with random people. Only our one person can fill the void, and they are not here. 

It's not that we miss doing the THINGS we did with them, it's that we miss doing the things we did with THEM.

Playing cards, watching a movie, taking a walk with other people are all good things to do,  but they don't fill the void of our missing our soulmate. 

Gail  

[John9]

April Ballou,

Yes it is hard and my wife died 2 months after our 34th anniversary and her Birthday is the 5th of August and mine is soon after in September and..... I am just so lost without her and "everything" hurts in every way both physically and emotionally my eyes are on "fire" from constant crying and I don't know what to do. The "wash, rinse,repeat" cycle of GRIEF and LONELINESS is so HARD.

 

 

Gail 8588,

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

April, 

I agree, loneliness is the biggest challenge. Because it can't be fixed by just being with random people. Only our one person can fill the void, and they are not here. 

It's not that we miss doing the THINGS we did with them, it's that we miss doing the things we did with THEM.

Playing cards, watching a movie, taking a walk with other people are all good things to do,  but they don't fill the void of our missing our soulmate. 

Gail  

I agree and that is why I don't want to do the things "WE" did because there is no WE just ME and I can't do it ALONE. I DREAD every day I wake up but I am TRYING to MAKE it through till I DREAD going to bed ALONE AGAIN AND AGAIN (wash, rinse, repeat)

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Larrys wife said:

I can't wrap my broken brain around it KARMA sucks and it's not right.

I believe there may be some karma but I don't believe everything that happens is karma.  There was nothing karma about our losing them, or about their suffering.  I always joke, "Life sucks and then you die."  That's pessimistic if taken at face value, so it's jokingly given, but the truth is there's a lot of stuff that happens that seems rather random and we all know there's no fairness about it's distribution.  We all know those couples that still have each other...we loved each other so completely...

[KayC]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I feel like I am being pushed by my brother and SIL and I don't like it.

My sister fell again yesterday, she was carrying the garbage to the front porch without her walker.  When I arrived at her house, she was again without her walker.  I hope she doesn't feel judged or pushed by me but I try to get her to learn from her mistakes...otherwise she will not be able to live in her home for long.  Her lack of judgement is her greatest handicap.  I know she thinks me a nag, and it's not a position I ever wanted, but she honestly doesn't think for herself.  And it's what landed her in the hospital & care center for a month this last time.

Your situation is very different from hers, in your situation, you KNOW your limitations and need your brother & SIL to not push you beyond them!  I've the opposite problem with Peggy, whom I dearly love and care for.

[John9]

KayC,

I "know" many couples that only complain about their spouses and yes they still have each other, which is why my previous comment about some being "okay" if the other dies was made. The other "saying" is life's a beach and then you drown. Same end result and yes we all will die. I commented on Karma "sucking" not just because my wife died but because I cared for everyone else and NEVER got to care for my wife. Ans as I have also said you should all know life isn't "FAIR" in any way especially in how it is distributed it seems sometimes to be an all or nothing "deal", or the haves and the havenots. Again just my observations not a "rule" of life.

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . wash, rinse, repeat . . .

John9, 

Wash, rinse and repeat.   

That really was my life during my zombie period (I hate to say zombie years as it is too depressing to think it can last years.  But for me it did, due to my particular circumstances.  It does not mean this will last for years for you.)

I just went through the motions of living, but I wasn't really living. There were things my rational brain knew had to be done, and had to be done now, such as selling our home. So I did what had to be done. Then when the house sold, I had to move, then I had to wrap up my career and retire and then move again. 

There were all these things that had to be done, I couldn't just grieve.  I believe this contributed to how long I stayed in zombie mode, but who knows, maybe not. 

Your circumstances are very different than mine were, but I can see that you have no choice but to take care of your MIL.  It has to be done, no one else is going to do it, and it has to be done now. There's no  putting it off so you can have time for yourself to work through your own grief. 

So you are in the wash, rinse, repeat cycle of doing what has to be done, but not really feeling alive. 

I don't really see away out for you right now. All I can suggest is that you try to arrange for some respite help to give you some mental health time off to sleep, relax or grieve for a little while. 

It is overwhelming to be a 24/7  caregiver under the best of circumstances.  I hope you can find some way to get some regular breaks from having to care for your MIL entirely alone. 

Sending you strength to get through today and tomorrow,  wash, rinse, repeat.

Gail

 

 

 

[John9]

KayC,

My friend was like that, He wanted to do what he wanted to do and in the end HIS stubbornness ended up "causing" his death. He wouldn't listen to me and he fell out of his wheelchair and broke his hip which just snowballed into many other issues and it cost him his "good" leg and he lost the will to live. This is what his Doctor told me that he said it to him. His death was not unexpected just the events and the timing. You do what you do for those you love out of love but sometimes "they" don't get it. I am now dealing with MIL who "doesn't " understand but I do it for LOVE of my wife and that is what I will do as long as I am able or until....The good thing is if the people we are "helping" can explain or talk to us about the issues they are having it can and will help us help them. I am not an expert on anything nor am I the smartest person in any situation this is just a thought I have had from time to time.

[John9]

Gail 8588,

Thank you for the comment, I do feel like a zombie and I am waiting to be "spiked" but yes it is the many many factors of the many many things I am going through that is "messing" with me. Part of it is the "new" old thoughts I have like the comment about my caring for everyone else but NEVER getting to care for my own wife. I told my son today in person I need to interact with him at least one day a week in person or on the phone because I NEED it. I will see how that works out for me and take it from there.

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

then there's the comments of "get ready and in the mood to play Uno and card games with us, we'll have some fun after you get here".

Oh for crying out loud!!!  Talk about clueless, tone deaf, and just plain stupid.

I'm glad you've decided to have a sit down with them once you get there.  They need to hear and see some hard truths (both from you and your doctors).  They need to realize that you will not be "in the mood" to play freaking card games and that absolutely none of this is "fun" for you.

No wonder your stress levels keep going up.  They are making things even harder.

I agree that being here with people who are going through it, who get it, and who won't lie or ignore or spout platitudes helps a lot.

[steveb]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I agree, loneliness is the biggest challenge. Because it can't be fixed by just being with random people. Only our one person can fill the void, and they are not here. 

You nailed it Gail. I can even be surrounded by friends and family, but the void is still there.  It is softened a bit though … thank God.  

[John9]

steveb,

I agree because "when" I do have someone "visit" me I actually feel worse when they leave because that is when the LONELINESS comes back and there is nobody "with" me. I have to say the thought that popped in my head and maybe has been said before but it comes from the Marvel series "WandaVision"  "But What Is Grief, If Not Love Persevering".

If you LOVE you risk LOSS and IF YOU LOVE YOU WILL GRIEVE. I miss my wife more each day and each day is HARDER than the day before. I NEVER wanted to be ALONE which is why WE got married and I absolutely HATE it. I keep hoping that my purpose is fulfilled soon and I can be with my wife AGAIN.

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

My sister fell again yesterday, she was carrying the garbage to the front porch without her walker.  When I arrived at her house, she was again without her walker. 

KayC:  I'm so sorry that your sister fell again! That's terrible! I hope she didn't suffer injuries. Since I'm alone here I go slow and think about what I need to do and how I am going to do it before actually doing it. I fell one time and it was darn scary because I couldn't get back up on my own right away. I eventually did but it scared me. Your sister I am guessing is without that capability or almost without the ability to first think things through. I imagine this leaves you in a bad spot because you probably worry about her the whole time until you can visit her. She probably doesn't realize the stress she's putting you under and just wanted to do the right thing by taking out her own trash. I hope tho that you will somehow get through to her that she needs her walker for stuff like that or to wait until you are there to help. I know of someone who spent $200 on a walker (mine cost $55 and has wheels and a seat) and he didn't use it and...fell and broke his collar bone. So I don't know why he bothered to even spend that kind of money and then not use it but complained about being in pain from his injury.  

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

No wonder your stress levels keep going up.  They are making things even harder.

foreverhis: That was nothing, today was just about the last straw. I had to send them a very firm email. I am almost contemplating going to a homeless shelter.  

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

I told my son today in person I need to interact with him at least one day a week in person or on the phone because I NEED it.

John9:  Good for you! Today must be "firm talk day with family" because I had to speak up to my family today too. I sure hope your son was listening. I mean really listening. Let's hope he understood and will be calling or visiting you. Once a week is not that much to ask for. He will hopefully see it that way and be there for you. He may not realize it right now but later on, he just might need an ear or interaction himself. Just because he's "the son" does not make him immune to needing emotional support. He should see that you are trying to make it easy on him with asking for "just once a week". 

[John9]

tnd,

That's the reason I said that Grief support "should" be something that is explained to "everyone" the do's and don'ts of "dealing" with us. Someone going through grief and "other" issues especially medical ones needs to be able to count on their supporters to actually help us, not just say what they think "we" should do. Hopefully you got through to your family with the concerns that you need them to understand.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, steveb said:

You nailed it Gail. I can even be surrounded by friends and family, but the void is still there.  It is softened a bit though … thank God.  

A few weeks ago I went to a family get together at my brother's house. Most of the people were from my sister in law's side and most were couples. I sat alone at the dinner table and I can tell you I felt naked without my wife by my side. This is the first time I've been in a group get together since my wife passed away and to say it was very awkward is an understatement. Thankfully my sister and her husband sat beside me and I talked mostly to them. It's one thing to realize how lonely I am without my wife when I'm alone, but to actually experience it in public was a little painful. 

[John9]

Sparky1,

My wife and I never really "went" to any gatherings since her Grandparents died in 2007 within 2 weeks of each other (how I hoped it would happen for us). The only "family" events that had taken place since mostly were if anyone would come to our house. We didn't have any couple friends and the family who showed up mostly were the only ones who show up now, our son and MIL's sister both single. I don't expect any invitations to events since nobody has bothered to call and see how we are since she died (124 days). We weren't the social people we were private people and now that is coming back to bite me. I am too old to "make" old friends and I am not ready for new ones either. I can understand how different it feels without someone who was by your side for all of your marriage.

[tnd]

32 minutes ago, John9 said:

Hopefully you got through to your family with the concerns that you need them to understand.

John9:  I doubt they will ever listen to anyone but themselves. They've driven off other family members and friends in the past because of their ways. I'm not really expecting them to change now just because I decided to finally stand up for myself. They'll probably completely blow off my email and send me their own nasty-gram telling ME "what's what". The thought of going to a homeless shelter or calling Adult Protective Services to ask about getting into one of those group homes that houses the indigent has started to cross my mind. Bad enough I lost my husband and terrible that I need help but having to argue with my own family is pretty darn crappy. I DO NOT NEED this right now.  

[tnd]

36 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

It's one thing to realize how lonely I am without my wife when I'm alone, but to actually experience it in public was a little painful. 

Sparky1:  I'm not looking forward to experiencing this particular pain, either. Don't know that I will be able to compose myself. Hopefully your next outing will be a little less painful. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, John9 said:

The good thing is if the people we are "helping" can explain or talk to us about the issues they are having it can and will help us help them.

My sister has always been in denial, living in a fantasy world of her making, she doesn't get real, she minimizes, or makes up things or exaggerates.  I have always been on the phone with her an hour a day, yet for 4 1/2 years she never mentioned having macular degeneration, let alone that she was going blind from it and did nothing about it!  This is just one example of many, many.  Her biggest handicap is not her equilibrium, it is her brain.  She is very "smart," knows all the answers to the Jeopardy questions, but NO COMMON SENSE.  It is not merely dementia, it is how she has always been.

[John9]

tnd,

I "feel" the pain you are going through but I can't fully at the same time because it isn't my situation. It is a shame again that you have to feel that you would "rather" go somewhere else with "strangers" than be with your own family who just doesn't get it. It is too bad there isn't a facility that deals with the WIDOWS/WIDOWERS who are in a similar situation because I am sure that there are many out there. Maybe one day someone will address that problem.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, tnd said:

I go slow and think about what I need to do

Therein lies the difference between you and her.  You think.  She didn't hurt herself this time.  But it's a matter of time before we go through this again and I don't think she'll come home next time.  Her mental deterioration will not fool people again, she barely got to this time.  She's putting off hiring a caregiver/driver/cleaner, wanting ME to do everything, all the while I tell her come winter I cannot be counted on to make it down to her house (I live in the mountains where we get snow).  She'd never be able to live here nor could I live at her place, there is no room, no fence for Kodie, etc.  Nor am I willing to move, I've lived here 44 years and if you took me out of nature I would surely die inside.  To her, she is happy with a good book, but her days reading are going too if we can't stop the progression of the disease.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

one of those group homes that houses the indigent

My quadriplegic sister lived in a "group home" with a family setting for many years...at her celebration of life was just her siblings, nieces, nephews, and the "family" she stayed with, they were such a wonderful loving caring family and made her truly a part of theirs.  

I'm not sure Peggy could live in one of those as she seems to need something more encompassing.  For you it might be worth a consideration.  Only you can know.  I'm sorry you have to deal with such major changes/decisions so soon after becoming widowed, like life hasn't upheaved you enough.    But I trust you to make the best decision for yourself.

[John9]

KayC,

What you are saying is almost exactly what I went through with my friend, before MIL moved in with us and my routine changed I would take him to his Doctor appointments and make sure that he told Doctor every issue and make sure I knew the treatment plan. After MIL moved in it was harder to do and his Doctor started making house calls for him and I would make a list to "tell" him what to address with the Doctor and he would always "forget" to tell him. When the pandemic hit and I was there every day twice a day to change him and get him up and put him to bed at night it started to become obvious he was living in denial of his conditions. He was always an independent person and didn't like anyone telling him anything especially if it went against his "thoughts". This like I said led to his death as he was a stubborn man and I was unable to convince him to "sell" his house and move into an assisted living facility or at least closer to me (20 miles one way) but NO. I tried actually ever since he first had a stroke in 2009 for that. I never really held any of it against him as I accepted the responsibility and the "crap" that went with it, although last year he wore a diaper and yes there was crap. I never thought I would have that stage with him AND that is why  I stated that one of the things that MAKES me SAD AND MAD is I NEVER got to CARE for my OWN WIFE but I did for others. LIFE SUCKS sometimes and I KNEW THIS but not at this level. I got off point there but it is how I feel. Because my friend didn't have dementia and was in full "control" of his life all I could do was recommend or say the "what I would do" statement and hope one day it would sink in (it didn't) His stubbornness DID cause his death probably sooner than he would have died otherwise, even though we knew it was going to happen at some point as we are all going to die. I did feel sometimes that it was a lost cause and wondered why I was "stuck" in the same loop every day but I did it. That runs through my head now because after my wife died I question the many times I spent at his house that I could have spent with her and would it have made any difference in getting her treatment (after he had died) Did I MISS something that was obvious, did I push hard enough or was I just too busy with all of the other things I was dealing with to SEE.

[John9]

KayC,

The comments about what your sister needs is the "problem" my friend had, when he was in a facility years ago he had "fun" talking to all of the other residents and "workers" this time the pandemic basically put him in solitary confinement and he just went downhill along with the medical issues and he gave up. MIL "should" be in a facility but won't be unless it is medically necessary because THAT KILLED her mother and when she broke her hip a couple years ago I/WE were at the hospital for over 12 hours a day to "push" her through her therapy and to remind her that it wasn't permanent and she was going home if she completed her progress which she did and that worked well. I don't believe I can do it again because "WE" did it together (wife and I) and it's too much ALONE. The weather issue you speak of was part of why I wanted him to "sell" as well and also his idea of an "emergency" and mine were "slightly" different. I told him that the fastest I could get to him was at least 30 minutes and that was if everything was PERFECT. I know that our situations are/were different but my friend just EXPECTED me to DO IT. I miss him but I was "relieved" when it was over but it isn't because I am dealing with the legal crap about his estate which if he had sold when I wanted I wouldn't have to deal with and everything with my wife and MIL and trying to GRIEVE and BREATHE and.....I do wish you all the best in dealing with your "issues" and like grief this is definitely personal and it just shows that you NEVER know someones troubles unless they tell you. I always said that to anyone who would listen to me because you know people always want to think somebody else's life is ALWAYS better (grass is always greener).

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

 Her biggest handicap is not her equilibrium, it is her brain.  She is very "smart," knows all the answers to the Jeopardy questions, but NO COMMON SENSE.  It is not merely dementia, it is how she has always been.

Kay, 

Your description of your sister is hard for me to read, as I have a defective brain too.  I always have, but I didn't realize it until after John died. 

I know it sounds weird to say I didn't know all my life that my brain didn't function as others. But it's like a color blind person not knowing that colors exist.  

I don't have the ability to see images in my mind. Like when you think of an apple, you can see an apple. I can't.  Not being able to image makes lots of things very difficult, for example I get lost a lot. I can't find my way around without a navigation device. Even for places I have been to for years. 

I also can't recognize faces very well.  In photos, sometimes I can't recognize that I am in the photo, let alone who the other people are.

It makes it very hard to be social when you can't recognize people. 

John helped me so much with all this daily living stuff, I didn't even know I had a problem. He must have thought it was weird, but he loved me quirks and all and just helped me with the things I couldn't do. 

The world is a very confusing place for me now that I don't have John to  guide me through.  I tend to stay home alot.

Gail

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I never heard of that kind of a "defective" brain but it makes sense at the same time,  some people can't follow direction without getting "lost" and maybe my wife had a little of that too because she could only travel where she had been not somewhere new. I am not making light of your "medical" issue but my wife was a very artistic person and she was always "creating" in her mind a project for "us" and I would look at her like I didn't follow what she was saying because I didn't. Then she would "pull" her ear and say can't you see inside my brain as if it was that easy, we usually would finally figure out how to get to the same page/point. I said I probably was a "BAD" husband because I did too much for her and if I had died she would have been more lost than me and that would have been really bad. In that respect she never had that issue to deal with BUT it doesn't make it any easier that I am alive and she isn't. "Maybe" there is an app for your phone to help guide you and I know I am offering advice and it isn't to "replace" your loss (nothing can or will) but to help do the things you might need to do. Hopefully you are like me and "read" everything and "file" it for possible future use. You had your version of what I liked to say about my wife "we loved each other warts and all" , we both had issues that we helped each other with. Mine was emotions and hers was "fears" and changes. We knew what to do for each other and how to not dwell on it. I don't have the comfort now knowing that she has my back like she did for 35 years and it hurts.

[Gail 8588]

John9,

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  I do use a Garmin navigation in my car. I use it to get to my destination and to get back home.   I don't go for walks much because twice I have had to knock on doors and ask people to direct me towards my street because I couldn't find my way home.  Now I only walk with somebody. (John used to always walk with me, he'd say coming with me was easier than hunting for me later.  I never understood what he meant.)

The imaging problem is called Aphantasia.  About 2 % of people don't have the ability to image.  Not being able to recognize faces is called Prosopagnosia. Also about 2% of people. Both are considered neurological conditions. I apparently have both, yeah me. 

It's strange to learn at 65 that basically everyone else can do these simple things that you have never been able to do, that you will never be able to do.  

We all have our unique challenges.  Our grief journeys all take different paths.  They are all hard.  Somehow we find a way forward without that one dear person who made our life complete.

Gail

 

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I have often wondered how some people are just so "lucky" like the ones who are struck by lightning or only a 1 or 2 percent of the population will have a "bad" reaction to something or come down with something or whatever. My wife and I had some "bad" things that worked out okay, hell when we first got married they had to remove one of her ears and scrape the bone and reattach the ear, but she only suffered "partial" hearing loss. We were LUCKY in our lives and I was THANKFUL for all we had, but what we had does NOTHING for me now. My MEMORIES are literally "KILLING" me because I can't function through the tears. I am "lucky" that I don't work and "only" care for MIL but I am AFRAID of doing something wrong and nobody here to "fix" it or stop it. I hope I can at the least stop falling backward if I can't move forward (1 step forward 2 steps back). I really do TRY everyday to find at least a glimmer of HOPE but so far NOTHING.

[Gail 8588]

John9,

I know how terrible that feels, to have no hope.  I had absolutely no hope either.  John died and I was so lost emotionally and then for a bonus, I would get literally lost. Normally I would call John to come find me, which he regularly did. But now I had no one. It was terrifying to reach out to strangers, sobbing saying I'm lost.  How completely vulnerable!  Just kill me. I am utterly worthless. 

Then over 2 years into my confusion and despair, I learned about Aphantasia.  Which explained a lot. But there is no fix for it. As I researched all about Aphantasia, I saw there was this other disorder Prosopagnosia and took some tests and sure enough, I have that too.  Of course I have known all my life that I couldn't tell faces apart, I just never realized that everyone else could.   I thought John had some super skill for it, and weren't we lucky that he had that amazing ability. 

I had a wonderful life for 63 year and I was very thankful for all of it. I was blissfully unaware that I had these neurological impairments until 2 years after John's death. 

I had been struggling to navigate the world for those  2 years, often failing at simple life tasks. Then when I learned my brain actually didn't work right, ever, I was totally without hope, all of 2019.  I did join this forum in 2019, and it at least gave me a place to vent.

In the beginning of 2020 I was at the end of my rope.  I needed to either find some way to live, or kill myself.  I couldn't go on as I had. I was losing my mind.  Just at this time covid locked down everything. 

Weirdly, covid sort of helped me.  I could be a recluse and still try some new things.  I could participate in zoom meetings and everyone's name was on their picture.  About mid way through 2020 I found that I really didn't want to catch covid and die. For the prior 3 years I had either wanted to die or I didn't care if I died.  So that was a big change, to actually want to stay alive. 

In that 4th year, I slowly climbed out of the dark place of despair. 

I know our situations are different.  You have your own trials and tribulations to overcome.  But I urge you to not give up on life. 

Life will always be hard for me without John, I will always miss his love and support, but life is still good  and I can see and feel that again. 

Gail 

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I am glad that after all you went through after John died that you "found" a way to not be in a dark place of despair. I also HOPE that at some point IF I HAVE to LIVE that I am there too. Right now I am not there and I can ONLY say I go to bed every night HOPING I have fulfilled God's plan and I can be with my wife again. I DON'T want to be here without her and i know it sounds like I am giving up but I am just being HONEST. I am not suicidal just not wanting to live like this. The PAIN is TERRIBLE and the constant crying and EVERYTHING else is just tearing me apart. And YES I MISS her LOVE and  SUPPORT and all of the other factors of a LOVING marriage. The hugs, the kisses, the looks, EVERYTHING and yes even the sex. Right now it is raining AGAIN and the weather is messing with me so much now too.

[April Ballou]

@John9 yes I understand  missing the hugs, kisses, the looks, and yes the sex.  That kind of love is what we all had.  The kind that some people dream about and never truly get.  But  we in this forum know what it is like.  The pain, the tears, the loneliness is terrible.  I wish there was an easy fix for us all.  It's that first and only true love.  Even if God brings someone else into my life Darrell will always be my first.  He taught me so much and I learned alot.  I have all of these feelings and nobody to talk to.  I can call or text people but I dont want to burden people with my problems.   This forum has helped.  Its having somebody to understand how I feel.

[Andilyn20]

 never really   gets any easier  at least not for me.. I feel  like that I am   slowly drowning