When

[John9]

April Ballou,

I am not a person who goes to church but I believe in God and I have to accept whatever comes because I have no choice because I am here until God says otherwise. Your husbands death was sudden because they thought it was going well, my wife's death sudden because she walked into the ER on Thursday and was dead Saturday all without a prior known medical issue. I am just saying if the plan that God has is for me to "suffer" more that I already am and for MIL to keep suffering then I might have an ISSUE with it. I can't change it but...

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

I am so sorry her family is being so selfish.  I hope you will consider turning to others, a church might arrange to give you some respite, a government agency, hospice.  I really hope you can find someone who can  give you some relief.  It is too much for you to do alone. 

Gail

[John9]

steveb,

Thank you for the comments and thank you for the prayers as well. I will take all I can get .

[tnd]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

Gail 8588,

Thank you for your concern but as I have stated before there is no help because no one WANTS to help. I NEED the interaction from the "family" more than the help. If they would call or visit it would be a bigger help than "offering"  to help care for her.

John9:  I am going to apologize now if this sounds too ignorant or even too blunt but, maybe you have to get on the phone or go to family (maybe your son?) and in a very firm no-nonense tone, tell them exactly just what you said here...that you NEED their interaction. They don't have to start doing everything for you or your MIL but to just be there to talk to or run errands could go a long ways. Unusual circumstances (the death of your wife) calls for unusual action (you asking for help and interaction from family).   

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

a church might arrange to give you some respite, a government agency, hospice.  I really hope you can find someone who can  give you some relief.  It is too much for you to do alone. 

Maybe Adult Protection Services could help. I think a lot of cities have APS just like they do for children. 

[John9]

tnd,

I actually said it to my son Thursday and to the only other person (MIL sister) just yesterday that it is most important thing they can do to help me.

[John9]

I do the best I can do to the best of my abilities. When I go to bed at night I hope that I have "fulfilled" God's plan and I am allowed to "join" my wife. My wife and I "quit" planning things a long time ago because "stuff" happens, so she got to the point she would say "I'm just talking" when she would think about the future and this shows why I guess. I don't know what the saying is about plans, something like while you are making plans God is laughing.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

actually said it to my son Thursday and to the only other person (MIL sister) just yesterday that it is most important thing they can do to help me.

John9:  Did they say anything to that? Do you think they understood what you meant? I don't mean to pry but hopefully they will offer to help now. I don't know that anyone can take care of an elderly woman with dementia by themselves as it progresses. Or any time for that matter. Shouldn't be all on one person. seems like your wife knew that because the 2 of you came out with the plan that she'd take care of your MIL after she got home from work and you'd take care of her during the day. You have been dealt a terrible blow with the loss of your wife but also lost your team. You were a 2-person team and now you are down one. You need alternates to step up to the plate. 

[John9]

tnd,

As you may be aware "people" in general do like to talk and what I mean is they "offer" help but actions speak louder than words. All I can do is keep saying it to them and maybe like a "dog" when you have to teach them to sit you keep saying sit if I say it enough maybe they will SIT with me. My friend who died in January who I cared for too was famous for that, I would tell him something repeatedly before he finally "GOT IT" and he didn't have dementia he was set in HIS way. Maybe this is God's plan for me, to make them feel bad after "we" die from lack of support.:(

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

Maybe this is God's plan for me, to make them feel bad after "we" die from lack of support.:(

John9:  I myself had to email my own brother a firm note the other day just to be "heard". Told him once I am there I want us and my SIL to have a meeting so I can better explain my medical condition to them. Right now they seem to think I will get better with exercise...they haven't listened to a word I've said. So I got very blunt in an email and that seems to have gotten their attention. Maybe. We'll see. I don't know what you are comfortable with or if it's possible but maybe you need to call a meeting with your family too. Maybe if each of them are actually sitting there together while YOU do the talking, it just might finally register with them.    

[John9]

tnd,

I agree that sometimes blunt is better, but since I only have those two I have to be careful or I will truly be alone. I already am dreading MIL death and losing the support of her sister because I"m not "family" as the other sisters have already proven as they dropped me as soon as wife died (actually before I guess). So it is like walking on eggshells not wanting to push too hard. My wife and I were just in a unique situation when it came to being ABLE to care for others but now I can still do it I just need some sort of interaction with someone who can interact, otherwise I can "talk" to my wife and her cats and get the same response. Actually her cats "talk" all the time which is why she always wanted them and sadly she didn't get to enjoy them either.

[tnd]

11 minutes ago, John9 said:

I just need some sort of interaction with someone who can interact

John9:  What about your friend's family? Or is that why you were taking care of him, because he had none?  If he had family, do you think they'd come visit you? Maybe not a good idea..??  I would maybe work on getting your son to come over. If he hasn't been visiting maybe he's afraid of being depended on, that you or your MIL will be too needy for his lifestyle or expect more than he can give. Maybe jut have to make it clear that you want conversation, nothing else. Does he have a lady friend? Perhaps she would listen to you and help to get your son to visit. 

[John9]

tnd,

My friend was a 74 year old lifelong bachelor and he was "stuck" in his house all alone except for me when I was caring for him unless his Doctor or physical therapist came to visit. "Our" son proved his "caregiving" he literally decided that he needed to be an adult the day his Grandmother moved in with us. He can't handle seeing her like this and it was okay when my wife was alive. WE knew he was NEVER going to care for us in our old age BECAUSE.... The problem I am having is that both of them live alone by choice and are okay with that AND I am ALONE by circumstance and I"m not OKAY with that. And no my son is single by choice and has nobody to "nudge" him to do the right thing. I "know" that ONE day after I am gone he "WILL" have his regrets and be in a situation like other people grieving saying I should have done this or that. I have made many statements to many people about all I can do and in this situation I mean I can call, text or whatever but I can't make them respond and even before my wife died that was one of the things that bothered my wife when she would call and receive no reply or response. We thought we raised him "right" but...

[tnd]

42 minutes ago, John9 said:

I have made many statements to many people about all I can do and in this situation I mean I can call, text or whatever but I can't make them respond and even before my wife died that was one of the things that bothered my wife when she would call and receive no reply or response.

John9:  Okay. Here's another thought. Maybe your area has an Adult Day Care center. I honestly don't know how much they charge but maybe paying them a visit would be worth it. If not them then maybe they would know of other programs in your area. Or your city's Social Services website. If your MIL has a doctor maybe they might know of a program. I bring this up because it could free up your time to grieve, to relax or do housework without having to tend to your MIL at the same time. It could also leave some time for you to seek out new friendships. I don't mean to sound weak, I certainly don't mean to give empty advice but this is going to take some doing I think. Go easy on yourself as much as possible. Talk out loud to your MIL, even if you don't think she understands what you are really trying to say. 

[April Ballou]

@John9 It is sad when you dont have support by your family.  I had my husband's father decided that since his son was dead not to have anything to do with me.  But truely I'm glad because the whole time we were married he never did treat me right.  His loss not mine.  I thank God that I have my children, & my motherinlaw & fatherinlaw.   Times like these you need support.  I will be praying that your son steps up and helps.

[John9]

tnd,

I have said before in my posts that I read all comments made and even if I don't take the advice at the moment I "file" it in the memory bank. I don't feel that there is bad advice if offered with genuine concern. Advice is a good tool and I may or not take any or all of it. I do like that people here are concerned and want and try to help each other. Too bad the people who really need the help aren't reading this (the friends and family) so they can help us. I am trying not to beat myself up over the things I am unable to control it just gets hard when "new" issues arise and I haven't cleared up the "old" ones.

[John9]

April Ballou,

I would have thought that her family would have been more supportive because I thought I actually had a good relationship with them since I have been in their lives for over half of their lives. "Funny" part of this whole situation is MIL never liked me and only tolerated me because of my wife and our son. I agreed with her moving in and caring for her because of my love for my wife and now I am in a situation because she will only let ME care for her.

[tnd]

John9: There is possibly another way to have some interaction with people. In one of your posts you mentioned a neighbor saying something about "out of all the couples" you and your wife seemed to have gotten along best. Or something like that. Now, this might sound silly but think about it...What if you were to bake some cookies or buy some and take them over to a neighbor?  And then start some conversation. Doesn't have to be anything heavy but I would think it would be okay to say that the house has gotten too quiet. I remember when I was growing up we had an older single woman move into the neighborhood. She had the most beautiful flower garden. My Mother also gardened. But one day the neighbor brought my Mother a bouquet of flowers. While my Mother appreciated them, she told our neighbor "Your flowers are beautiful but I have lots of flowers". Our neighbor said "Yes, you do. But flowers won't grow if they aren't shared". After that and over the years, she became a good close friend of the family. You gotta give a little to get a little. But you know your neighbor better than me or any of us on here. Just saying it might be worth a try. 

[MaryB]

I know how you feel.  I lost my husband almost two years ago and when it first happened I would wake up in the morning and be disappointed that I was still here.  But somehow that changed over time.  Not sure how or when but it did.  Thank God for my pets... I had a reason to get out of bed and think about them for a bit instead of me.

[John9]

MaryB,

My wife had just recently got 2 kittens about 6-7 months before she died and although we had cat for the entire 35 years we were together last year we lost our last one and these two are not "NORMAL" they are Oriental Shorthair cats and they are very independent and not very loving. So they only care if there is no food or water so I could get up once or twice a week and they would be okay(I am KIDDING). I have said my purpose is MIL and that is what keeps me going. One of my problems is all of the losses in the last 18 months pets and people and my grief is bubbling and not fully released and I am afraid when it happens....

[John9]

tnd,

The comment was "we actually liked each other" but the problem is that my neighbor still "works" and his schedule and mine don't allow much more than anyone else. I have told him that if he has time I am always willing to talk to him. I believe my problem is a multiple level issue, my friend "had" to call me twice a day to make sure he was okay and then I would go to his house three times a week before the pandemic last year then I was there twice a day everyday so I was talking to him all the time, then he died. I was with my wife for 35 years and now I don't have her to talk to and "all" of my animals that died I can't receive "comfort" from so there's that too. It's almost like being in solitary confinement, it was all taken away at one time. I am not someone who has never lost anyone I have had many but nothing like my wife's death and so many other deaths in a short time.

[April Ballou]

I too am alone for the first time in my life.  I went from living at home with my mother to living with my husband.  We were married 38 years.  Not enough but now I'm alone.  I still struggle.  I spend alot of time praying.  I talk to my pets but they dont care all they want is food & water.  My kids are grown with families of their own.  It's the loneliness that's the hardest part.

[MaryB]

John9:  I'm so sorry you have suffered so much loss in such a short time.  Being grateful worked for me...even if it was my morning coffee or something else as simple as that.  Try to think of one thing a day to be thankful for.  Having hope is everything.  

[tnd]

John9 and April Ballou:  I can relate to the sadness of being alone. With the exception of being home for a week back in March, my husband had been in the hospital since last December before passing away last month. We don't have friends or family here. And despite being alone already for nearly 8 months now, I am NOT use to it. Thankfully tho, I will be moving in with my brother and his family in another state so won't be alone for much longer. In the meantime, I talk to my 2 cats and come on here. That's the extent of any "interaction" I have with anyone. I do not take it for granted. I am hoping that after I get settled in at my brother's that I will at some point, venture out into town and meet people. I have no idea how or where but I've come to realize that having "people" is important! When I was young I belonged to a large group of friends, I swear, we ate, lived and breathed with each other. We were like family. But then the back-stabbing started, the affairs, the lying and cheating and way too much drinking. I quietly left the group and moved across town. Told myself there was no point in having friends if they were going to be nasty with each other and mean to me. Now fast-forward to my husband and I. We were homebodies. We liked people but liked our "alone" time together even more. We had good friends through our jobs but once we were all laid off, everybody scattered. And so my husband and I just minded our own business and stuck with ourselves. Being just the 2 of us was never a problem. Nothing wrong with that. But now I see that if we had made news friends or kept in-touch with old ones, perhaps it wouldn't be so hard for me right now. So that is maybe going to be a little goal of mine after I move; to make new friends.  

[steveb]

18 minutes ago, MaryB said:

Try to think of one thing a day to be thankful for.  Having hope is everything. 

MaryB, you are so right!  Thank you so much for posting.  Such simple yet beautiful thoughts are both very powerful and life changing. 

[tnd]

30 minutes ago, MaryB said:

Being grateful worked for me...even if it was my morning coffee

MaryB:  Because of a health condition I had to start getting up very very early just to start my routine of showering and getting dressed. By the time I sat down for a cup of coffee the sun was just starting to rise. I felt like the sun was there just for me. Learning to appreciate nature and the simple things in life is both humbling and a gift. 

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

 "Funny" part of this whole situation is MIL never liked me and only tolerated me because of my wife and our son. I agreed with her moving in and caring for her because of my love for my wife and now I am in a situation because she will only let ME care for her.

John9, 

Life is "funny" that way sometimes.  It's good you can see the ironic humor in this impossible situation.

I always liked the saying "No good deed goes unpunished."

I wish we could wave a magic wand and make this easier on you some how.  But if we had a magic wand, we'd just use it to save our true loves and life would be easier. 

Gail 

 

[John9]

April Ballou,

I agree that loneliness is HARD and I HATE it. I was single and at the time "okay" with it, BUT I got married and I LOVED being married and having someone to wake up to and go to bed with and be with when we could be together. We were looking forward to "getting" on each others nerves from being together 24/7/365 . It is just so WRONG.

[John9]

MaryB,

I appreciate that you can find HOPE in your days, I however cannot find hope in anything because I am afraid I have always been a REALIST and a problem solver. This is not a problem to be solved and without my wife I have no reason to BELIEVE or HOPE it will be better for me to be without her. I am "happy" for the people on this "site" who have managed to figure out their process of grieving and are not where I am but as I have said this is how I feel. I said it that everyday I go to bed hoping I have fulfilled God's plan for me so I can go to be with my wife. If that is my HOPE then that is what I look forward to.

[John9]

tnd,

We as a couple never had "friends". My wife had some friends when we got married, she had "friends" when she started her job, she had co-workers later she was friendly with. I had a friend at my work and like you he quit and we lost touch, I have reached out a few times and never got a response and actually sent a "card" after my wife died and again got no response. My wife's "friends" from her work never even showed up for her memorial when her work had it, so I know people move on and I can't hold it against them but it still HURTS. As you did we found out that we were the best people to hang out with. Now I can say that even the friend that my wife was still in touch with "dropped" me after her death so people don't handle GRIEVERS and it is easier to avoid. I would not want ANYONE to go through this and luckily some won't but maybe one day those people will understand that what they did wasn't right and "WE" needed them.

[John9]

Gail 8588,

No magic or anything because I don't know WHAT I would do. WE had a good life for the most part and that I wouldn't change and I don't know at what point "things" went to the stage that changing it would be for the "better". I would have given my life for her because I did everything for her. I have always had a WARPED sense of humor and this is as warped as it can be. The comment about "no good deed" is how I have felt actually for years never as much as now but it never stopped me/us from TRYING to help others. I have said "we" wanted to believe in KARMA but..... Sadly I feel if I could change what happened I would somehow make it worse somewhere else and I know that in my mind I think how could it be worse but I don't know. Sadly my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly and maybe if I made a change she would be ALIVE and SUFFERING for YEARS and that would be WORSE with the same results for her in the end, and maybe I would be dead and no one caring for MIL.

[April Ballou]

I understand about losing your everything.  Darrell was just that.  We were like salt & pepper.  You cant have one without the other.  He was my best friend,  my lover, my husband.  He knew everything about me.  I really feel like a mouse lost in a maze without him.  I pray everyday sometimes all day.  I think it's the nights that are the hardest.  My bed is so empty.  I rely on my faith in God to see me through.  So many questions,  so many decisions.   When I have a decision  to make or a question that needs to be answered I look at his picture or talk to it.  I still wear my wedding ring, along with his.  I still feel like I am married.  This is so hard.  But I know with God all things are possible.

[John9]

April Ballou,

I know the "feeling" and I have said all of those things too about my wife. Yes I still wear my ring but don't want to damage or lose hers so they are in her jewelry box. My wife was MY WHOLE WORLD, MY EVERYTHING, MY BEST FRIEND, MY HEART AND SOUL, MY LOVER, MY FIRST AND ONLY TRUE LOVE, MY SOULMATE, MY FUTURE, MY HOPES AND DREAMS. I can't stand it that she isn't here and I wake up crying every morning (way too early too) I cry all day long and go to bed crying and today is day 122 which by "math" would be 4 months of a 366 day year. I will never be able to ACCEPT what happened and how it happened but I know that doesn't change the fact she died. I have no choice but to KNOW that she died and is not coming back. We were not "perfect" but we were PERFECT for each other. She was my rock when it came to keeping me sane and grounded and that is part of the problem. I know that everyone here is suffering a loss (or like me many) and we all feel somewhat the same way about our loved ones but I am not sure how I am still alive because she was IT for me and when she died she took my heart and soul with her and it hurts so bad.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I believe in God and also believe in the afterlife. My husband has sent me signs that he is in a good place. But I prayed my heart out to God to let my husband live, and it didn't change the outcome. My husband went into the hospital with all the doctors expecting him to recover and I prayed all the time that he would. But in the end his body could no longer fight and his heart gave out. And no, I don't believe it was God's plan for Doug to die. I believe bad things just happen for no reason. What does give me some comfort is that when Doug's physical body failed, that's when God took him Home. 

I believe as you do.  I hate it when people ascribe this being God's will to Him!  How do they presume to know anything!  It angers me actually to hear that.  I want to slap them and tell them, "How about YOU lose YOUR husband and then give me these stupid platitudes!"  They blindly think they'd still say the same, the hell they would!  Sorry but I feel volatile about this!  I got all kinds of stupid ignorant things said to me when I lost my George.  If losing them doesn't send us over the edge, people's thoughtless remarks will!

Even if the family doesn't care to help, there are helps available, call senior and disabled services and they can put you in touch with it.

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, MaryB said:

Being grateful worked for me...even if it was my morning coffee or something else as simple as that.  Try to think of one thing a day to be thankful for.  Having hope is everything. 

That is exactly what helped me too!  I began practicing that day eleven. Nothing was too small to count!  Someone's wave, a smile, a stranger letting me merge in traffic, a check in the mail, ANYTHING!  I learned not to compare what is to what was...comparisons are real joy-killers.  Yes I well know my life is a far cry from what it'd be if George were here, we all know that!  But I try not to focus on that, instead I focus on the "little joys" now that my "big joy (George)" is gone.  My puppy is a tremendous help as he's very loving, he gives me incentive to take care of myself, I have to be here to take care of him, I never want him to be re-homed or hurting, so I give it my best.

[MaryB]

27 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

I really feel like a mouse lost in a maze without him.  I still wear my wedding ring, along with his.  I still feel like I am married.  This is so hard.  But I know with God all things are possible.

April, your maze comparison is so true.  Losing a husband is so traumatic and confusing.  I still wear his wedding ring along with mine...it gives me great comfort.  And I'm hanging on to my faith.  With God helping me I've been able to accomplish tasks I never thought I would be able to.  It is hard but I try to remember to take things one day at a time.  

[Ainslie]

John, I feel the same way. I come here to vent and put my feelings some were. I have no friends and my family isn’t supportive in any way. They tell me to get over it, I’m young I will find someone new. It’s horrible not having support. I just want someone to listen, someone to care. Maybe a hug and to say nothing but be there. I don’t get any of that. I’m just grateful that I have this forum to come to. 

[John9]

Ainslie,

I am "lucky" that nobody was STUPID enough to tell me to get over it because as I said my wife kept my emotions in check and I would probably EXPLODE on them. I don't know why "we" have never been taught to support grieving people and what to say and how to act and such. The people who have gone through "this" understand the many factors of grief and that no two situations are ever the SAME. My grief is MINE ALONE and how I deal with it is on me. The best thing that anyone could ever do is LISTEN when We talk and let us TALK but be SUPPORTIVE. But until it happens to them we have to try at the worst time to "educate" our friends and family to give us what we need and it doesn't work so we come here where people understand us.

[MaryB]

That whole "time" thing made me want to scream.  This isn't some kind of headache that will eventually go away.  This is losing the person I love most in the entire world.  None of my friends have gone through this yet and truly do not understand how devastating this is.  Wish I would have found this forum a whole lot sooner but so glad I'm here now.  You guys get it.  And I don't feel so alone anymore.

[John9]

MaryB,

I "think" and it is just my brain but maybe when some people make the comment about what "they" or "we" should do it is because if they are in a relationship maybe they think they would be "happy" if the other person died. I am not saying I am right but some comments make no sense unless you want out of a relationship and I DIDN'T WANT OUT, I WAS ALL IN. MY COMPLETE HEART AND SOUL AND EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. Time is "dragging" and making my SUFFERING feel even worse (if possible) and it seems much longer than the days on the calendar (122). Nobody wants to hear that and again nobody understands it.

[Larrys wife]

I'm glad someone else is able to admit how it feels, not wanting to be here. To find that someone understands.  I used to wake up expressing gratitude for another day, now its more "how long do I have to keep doing this?"    I go through the motions.  I do my work, I meet people for lunch.  I pretend.  Everything is meaningless, and all the decisions are overwhelming.. he's not here to talk them through.   I went from loving my life to hating my life in a single day.    We were together 39 years and that is so much to be grateful for, and I am.   But I just don't want to do this.  "One more day.  You can do this one more day."  I hear in response to my plea.  I'm barely 3 weeks into this.  

 

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

I think you are right, that some people who lose their partner didn't have the same connection to them that we, on this forum, had.  The folks that come here are broken, devastated, traumatized and lost without their true loves.  We lost our soulmates, whether we were married for 50 years or just beginning our relationship together.  We were, as you say, "All In".   

There is something very remarkable about such a relationship between two people.  As much as it hurt, and still hurts, to lose my soulmate, I feel very blessed to have had such a relationship.  

Gail

[Gail 8588]

6 minutes ago, Larrys wife said:

. . . I'm barely 3 weeks into this.  

Larry'swife, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I was married to my husband for 38 years when he died in 2017.  It sounds like a long time together, but it wasn't nearly enough.  

Your grief is so fresh and so raw, it is hard for people to comprehend how much pain you are in.  Here on this forum, we get it. Our lives have been shattered, our hearts have been ripped in two. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us on this miserable journey to recover from the catastrophe of losing our soulmates.   Our circumstances are unique, but we have a lot of pain and suffering in common.  Come here to vent, rant, cry, or just read the posts of others.  We will give what comfort we can. Sometimes it helps just to see that you are not alone in your suffering, that you are not losing your mind. 

We are so sorry you have reason to join us, but welcome.

Gail

[April Ballou]

@Larrys wifeI know and all of us here in this forum know just how it feels.  I dont have a job to go to although I do have to keep my house and making decisions by myself I dont like it, never will.  38 years of making decisions together now I'm all alone.  I dont like it.  Darrell was my first and only true love.  He was my everything.  I sit here thinking why him not me.  I believe the world would be a better place if it were reversed.  But it's not.  God told me almost 9 years ago that I had a job to do.  Apparently it's a job without Darrell.   I dont like this one bit. Dont like being alone.  

[John9]

Larrys wife,

 I am sorry for your loss and I am "glad" you found  place to hopefully help you. I come, I vent, I listen, I cry. I used to wake up every day grateful that we had what we had and thanked God. Now I don't wake up grateful for what happened. We were together for 35 years and I have always been grateful for every day. I feel the same about the comments made. I will say something that for me sometimes it was and is an hour at a time. I have said before Grief is personal and I hope you find something that helps you even just venting here.

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I agree that I always felt blessed to have had the relationship I had and I have said I was GREEDY and WANTED more. I am sure you KNOW exactly what I am feeling because you are going through your own version of it as is everyone else here. It is just so much PAIN, ALL the time and I'm unable to think about her without crying even at the many many happy memories because I just lose it knowing I can never have THAT again. I have no future anymore because she was my past, present and future life.

[Sparky1]

5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

The folks that come here are broken, devastated, traumatized and lost without their true loves.  We lost our soulmates,

Larry's wife I am very sorry for your loss.

Thank you Gail for expressing how a lot of us feel. My wife was the best thing that happened to me in my life. She made me a lot better person, more confident, more vocal and definitely more outgoing. She would light up a room when she walked in and was very sure of herself. Without her, I've lost a big chunk of my life, she was my world and I used to tell her I would climb mountains for her. There is a big hole in my heart, the feeling of helplessness, loneliness, longing for her and realizing that while I'm alive in this physical world, I will be alone without her. I miss her now just as much as I did in the beginning if not more. Not a day has gone by that I don't shed many tears and I fall asleep every night with tears streaming down my face. I'm sure most of us feel this way and we try to do anything to find some comfort, and here I have found a place that has comforted me.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, Larrys wife said:

"One more day.  You can do this one more day."  I hear in response to my plea.  I'm barely 3 weeks into this.  

Larrys wife:  I say/said the same thing. But then I found that sometimes I have to take it in blocks of time...by the moment. Or by the task I need to do. Sometimes I am actually able to put off my crying (I said sometimes) until I finish a chore or whatever so I can just sit or lay down to cry and not have to think/do anything else. Doesn't make the pain any less but it does let me feel like I can let it all out under my own conditions. 

[MaryB]

Larrys wife:  When I first started on this journey of grief, taking it a day at a time was too difficult.  All I could handle was five minutes at a time. 

[steveb]

1 minute ago, MaryB said:

All I could handle was five minutes at a time. 

How true MaryB. Time has to be broken into chunks that we can handle.  Otherwise, we get so overwhelmed by our grief that we are paralyzed. 

[tnd]

13 minutes ago, steveb said:

 Otherwise, we get so overwhelmed by our grief that we are paralyzed. 

steveb:  That is exactly how it feels. As if I am paralyzed. It's the worst feeling, especially when you know that you need to do something but you just can't. Makes me think of how an Opossum plays dead when approached by a possible predator. But the the poor Opossum may lay there like that in a paralyzed state for hours, becoming even more vulnerable. I know that sounds like a silly analogy but really, not much different from how I feel these days.