Recent unexpected death of long-term boyfriend

[Stephanie90]

My boyfriend (soon to be fiance) died last month of an accidental overdose. I have been having a hard time coming to terms with it all and I feel like I am going crazy because I can't stop thinking about him. We were in an argument at the time of his passing so he was at his mom's house a few days (we have lived together for the past 4 years). His mom found him on the morning of 11/9/2020 dead. I feel horrible because he wanted to come back home that night and I wouldn't let him yet because I was still upset. If I just let him come back home none of this would have happened - even if something did happen I would have been there next to him to call an ambulance. I'm so sad that I never even got to tell goodbye or that I'm sorry for our stupid fight; I didn't even get to see his body. A small memorial was held for his family and close friends and it seemed like after the memorial everyone just went on like nothing happened. We were suppose to buy a house together in August and start a family. We have been wanting a kid for a long time. Now I feel very alone and don't know how to move on without him. He is all that I think about all day everyday.I feel like I am being punished and am in hell. I don't even want to talk to anyone, everywhere I go it seems like couples are holding hands and kissing and it honestly makes me so jealous. Why did this have to happen??

[Dawn Wms]

Hi Stephanie,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I also lost my husband last spring and it was also sudden.  It came completely out of nowhere.  Although we had not been in a fight, I still wish I had known the day before when he didn't feel well, I wish I had found him in distress earlier, I wish I had told him a thousand times more how much I loved him. There are so many things I wish!  I wish I could just turn back time and stop it from happening, and coming to grips with the fact that I can't is killing me.  I also think of him all the time.  How could I not?  And I also resent how everyone has just gone on with life, back to normal.  I can't answer why it had to happen.  I am struggling with that question myself.  Just know that your feelings are shared.  I also feel like I am going crazy because my brain can't accept that this is all real.  I haven't found any answers or anything that helps really, but it is somehow comforting to share with people who really get it.  

[jmmosley53]

Hello Stephanie90,

I am very sorry for your loss.

I think everyone has regrets about things they either said or didn't say, almost everyone has regrets about the manner of their loved one's passing.  These regrets are a painful part of our grieving.  Those kinds of thoughts weigh very heavy on your already fragile emotional well being.

I've heard people say you can't change what happened so learn to forgive yourself.  Others have said your loved one knew you loved them and would not want you to be sad.

Neither fix anything but parts or both are true most of the time.  You are very new on your grief path. it is pretty normal to be in complete shock and a mental fog.

I would recommend that you take very good care of yourself, eat well sleep as much as you can. Do not be surprised by sudden waves of tears that exhaust you.  Try not to look too far down the road right now.  You may have some important decisions to make right now about financial or property stuff - if you have a trusted friend talk to them before you take action.  You're not as focused as you might other wise be.

You are not responsible for your loved one's death - yeah, would have, could have, should have.  What happened was an accident. 

We all want that it didn't happen. Each of us have those same thoughts about missing them, 

Treat yourself with kindness and be sure to breath, eat, and sleep.

 

[SharedLife]

I'm sorry for your loss, Stephanie90.  It seems it's a default reaction for survivors to blame themselves. See the forum topic Caregivers: Any Feelings of Guilt?  A neighbor has had two family members die of an overdose, about a year apart. They were at home with others. It didn't matter. Blaming yourself is unwarranted and will only worsen your sense of grief, IMHO. 

I once was addicted to alcohol. My wife confronted me about it and I ended up joining AA. I didn't join because she confronted me.  I joined because I realized how harmful it was for my family.  An addict must want to quit, and that often happens when he/she reaches the bottom.  What happened is terribly unfortunate. But it's not your fault. 

[Sparky1]

I feel bad for your loss as well Stephanie90. Like others have said, things happen that we realty don't have control over. I have a lot of the same feelings you have after losing my wife. There's a lot of self blame and guilt over not doing enough or not doing something different, etc. The unfortunate thing is that we can't go back to rectify the situation. You have to realize that sometimes it's out of our hands and you can't blame yourself for something you couldn't control. Trust me, it's not easy though.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's unfortunate that it happened while you were fighting but I hope you can learn to forgive yourself because you truly are not responsible for his death.  What would you tell a friend going through this?  Tell that to yourself, because we have to become our own best friend now.

 This is the hardest journey I've ever embarked on, I did not see how I could live a week without my George, but it's been 15 1/2 years now and I'm still here.  I hope you'll continue to come here, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard by others that "get it."  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.