Caregivers: Any Feelings of Guilt?

[SharedLife]

For a year or more I was my wife's primary caregiver. She was bedridden with several medical conditions and depended on me for almost all of her needs. One way she let me know she needed something was using her cellphone (speech-to-text) to send me a text message if I was in another room. Today I recharged her cell phone and reviewed many of her text messages. It was mostly mundane stuff ("I'm ready for dinner now", "Please bring another box of tissues", etc.).  Most nights I only slept for 5 hours because I had to wake up to take care of one of her needs.  I would nap for an hour or two later in the day.

It was non-stop 24/7 and at times it wore me down...and at times I felt somewhat resentful.  Whenever I felt resentful, I'd remind myself that it was she who was suffering. I avoided complaining to her...I knew that would only add to her misery. 

Now that she's gone, I feel a sense of guilt for being somewhat resentful about taking care of about her demands and needs. My world was spinning at 1,000 RPM and it suddenly just stopped...and it's empty. When the world suddenly stopped spinning, everything flew off of it.  I'd give anything to return to the 1,000 RPM days.

From an old Joni Mitchell song:
"Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone..."

My learned lesson: We must appreciate what we have, even if it's not quite what we'd like to have...and I hope I can get to the point of appreciating what I had (without the emotional distress). Today I dialed the number for a grief counselor but couldn't get through (nobody answered). I'll try again next week.

[CatL]

I was my husband's caregiver for almost 4 years before he passed. At some times he didn't even remember I was his wife. Even at the end he didn't remember marrying me. Guilt, oh my do I have guilt. Could I have done more, why did I get tired or upset, should I have done something different - yes, I have guilt. I know so many people that told me I didn't sign up for this. They wouldn't have stayed, why did I. That left me feeling guilty, and I'm not even sure why. 

For me, I just remind myself I did my best. I remind myself of that often. I console myself knowing that at the end he knew he was loved. Even if he didn't remember marrying me, or that I was his wife, he knew I loved him. It may not be much, but I remind myself that whenever I feel guilty about not being or doing enough. He knew he was loved.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, CatL said:

I was my husband's caregiver for almost 4 years before he passed. At some times he didn't even remember I was his wife. Even at the end he didn't remember marrying me. Guilt, oh my do I have guilt. Could I have done more, why did I get tired or upset, should I have done something different - yes, I have guilt. I know so many people that told me I didn't sign up for this. They wouldn't have stayed, why did I. That left me feeling guilty, and I'm not even sure why. 

For me, I just remind myself I did my best. I remind myself of that often. I console myself knowing that at the end he knew he was loved. Even if he didn't remember marrying me, or that I was his wife, he knew I loved him. It may not be much, but I remind myself that whenever I feel guilty about not being or doing enough. He knew he was loved.

My wife used to tell me that I didn't sign up for this. She said if you want to leave , you can leave. I asked her,   ' you want me to leave?' and she'd say yes. I told her I would not leave her for anything or for anyone and that I would climb mountains for her. She also fought MS for a very long time and always said she didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I know I tried my best to help her and be there for her but yet at times I also feel guilty that I could've done more to help her get the cancer diagnosed much sooner. The covid situation didn't help things either. I would do everything all over again for her. That's what I signed up for, for better or for worse. When you love your spouse you will always be there for her(him). I love her very much but miss her so much.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Sharelife,

I share your guilt feelings of I could have more more, or I could have done better.  When I look back on the moments I wish I could re-do, I realize they were 10 seconds out of a 24 hour day.  That I was doing the best I could at the time.  I wish that I was 100% perfect but I wasn't.  However, I know I never didn't love my husband.  He  knew I loved him.  I'd give anything to change that he died.  I miss him so much it hurts.

[Maria_PI]

Guilt yes, painful, gut wrenching guilt that I wasn’t there when he fell while trying to go to the bathroom in the hospital, so they put him on “bed arrest” so an alarm would go off and a nurse had to watch him while on the toilet, even while I was in the room. Guilt that I didn’t fight enough for him when a stupid nurse would refuse to give him the medication while he was howling with pain, because “she had to put this in the computer first and had trouble logging in”, so he snatched it from her hand and she went on to complain. Guilt that I didn’t know what to do or didn’t have the means to ease his suffering. Guilt that I wasn’t prepared for what would come next, guilt that I called 911 when he collapsed on the floor from dehydration when all he needed was water, instead they were all to happy to re-admit him in the hospital, I watched the doctor practically laughing “I told you you weren’t ready to go home”, then charging over $1 Million for this hospital stay. But wouldn’t give me something for my headache the night after they told him to say his goodbyes, because they weren’t “allowed” to as I wasn’t a patient! I think it’s the humiliation and powerlessness against the system that hurt him more than the cancer. And I hesitated, didn’t know, or wasn’t there because “I had to go to work” to maintain the insurance that paid for this ordeal. Yes, lots and lots of guilt. Even guilt that juggling between work, driving, housekeeping and caregiving I wasn’t there to give him all the love that he needed.
I guess one never gets a second chance to “do better next time” and so I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life. Guilt is my cross to carry.
I am sorry I had to vent here and thank you for listening!


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[KayC]

Been there, but not with my husband, his death was sudden and abrupt.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/10/in-grief-after-caregiving-ends-who-am-i.html 

[foreverhis]

Oh yes, I feel guilt.  Not as sharply or as constant as at first, but it's there.  The "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?" and "I should have been able to save him." and so on still live in my mind and heart.  I'm working on shifting my feelings of guilt to regret, as I try to remind myself that I am neither omnipotent nor perfect.

And yes, I feel some guilt for the times I just couldn't deal with everything and would go upstairs for longer than I planned because I needed to zone out or read or rest.  It's hard not to feel some amount of resentment at times, no matter that we'd change places with them in a heartbeat to spare them the pain and fear.  The lives we had as equal partners shift, go out of balance, as we caregivers shoulder the burden of not just all the every day things, but caring for our loves instead of ourselves.  I too rarely slept through the night, especially during the months that he needed care at odd hours so that I'd set an alarm for 4 am, but be afraid I'd sleep through it.  If he was downstairs to sleep for any reason, I slept downstairs too.  Sometimes in a little "nest" I made for myself on an old futon and sometimes on the sofa.  And yes, there were nights I was irritated by not being able to be in our bed, together.  There were times I resented him needing me so much for so long.

My SIL and others would say, "You need to take care of yourself," without really understanding that my priority was not me, it was him.  I gained weight from stress and eating erratically.  I let my hair grow out to the point where my husband reached up from his hospital bed one day toward the end, stroked my ragged hair and said, "You need a haircut."  I skipped some of my own medical appointments (though I did go to the dentist for my cleaning because we're both fanatics about that).  And sometimes I simply collapsed from frustration, anger at the situation, fear, and fatigue. 

At our oncologist's suggestion, we bought a wireless alert so he could easily "ring" me.  One night shortly after his post-chemo surgery, I forgot it downstairs when I went up to shower.  I was exhausted, so I sat down and just stared into space for a while.  Then I went to shower.  As I was drying off, I heard him calling.  He'd been asleep, had a weird dream, woke up in a state, and tried to ring me.  I felt guilt at letting him get so upset.  Later, I felt guilty for feeling annoyed that it made me feel guilty!  Of course, I soothed and comforted him, apologized for forgetting, and told him I wouldn't forget again.  But it was so hard to have my strong, caring, protective husband become so dependent on me.  It hurt us both, but there was no way around it because I would have taken care of him forever.

Yet, even during those difficult months, we managed to find times of happiness and even joy.  Our thread of love was still there to the point that his home care nurse looked at us sitting together on the sofa teasing each other and chuckling, and said she'd rarely seen couples so connected that they were like that during such trying times.  He said, "That's because we don't just love each other, we like each other."  I certainly knew how lucky I was, but I did take for granted that we would have years more time.  We didn't and it still makes me angry because I still ask myself sometimes if it was my fault, which brings on a little wave of guilt.

[Gail 8588]

I was racked with guilt, that I had made all the wrong medical choices, that I had not saved him. When people offered me their condolences, I felt like a cheat. I didn't deserve sympathy, I had put him through so much pain, and had not saved him.

I should have found a way to save him or I should have let him die in peace at home not having suffered surgery after surgery.  I felt everything I did was wrong and only caused him more pain.

These thoughts caused me a tremendous amount of pain.  But I deserved that, because I had failed John so badly. 

Eventually, I had to forgive myself for being only human.  I had tried my best.  If I could have a do-over, I don't know that any other path would have lead to his recovery.

Guilt is a really hard thing to let go of. I still cry writing this now.  

Gail

[KayC]

I read this today on my other forum...
Maya Angelou wrote, "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I felt everything I did was wrong and only caused him more pain.

These thoughts caused me a tremendous amount of pain.  But I deserved that, because I had failed John so badly. 

I can relate to this.  I felt like a fraud sometimes when people would commend me for how well I took care of him.  I'd think, "Really?  If I took such great care of him, why isn't he alive, well, and by my side?"  I know I made little mistakes along the way, some because I wasn't aggressive enough with his doctors, who were supposed to be the experts, a few because neither he nor I thought it was as bad as it was, and a bit due to exhaustion toward the end.  I know rationally that I am only human and that saving him was beyond my power.  But I'm the one here, so I'm happy to blame myself.  Actually, I've always been good at blaming myself for things, so it's not a complete surprise.

I wish I hadn't pushed my husband to try to get strong enough for "the next treatment" for so long.  He did keep fighting, trying, for me and our girls, but I could see what it was taking from him.  I could see how much he hurt, how fear started creeping in.  Like you, I feel I should have said, "Honey, do you want to go home?" a lot sooner than I did when he was in the hospital for the last time.  I feel guilt over not being able to face the truth and holding on for too long because it caused him to suffer more than he should have. (Well, really, he shouldn't have had cancer or had to suffer at all...)

I do still often feel like I deserve to be living with my shattered heart and life.  He deserved none of what happened to him.  I have faith that where he is now, he is not suffering.  I hope he has forgiven me my human faults and mistakes, so that when it is my time he will welcome me with open arms and a loving heart.

Dang, Gail, I'm crying as I write this too.  You know I'm generally not one to say, "I know how you feel," but, yeah, I think in this case I do.  And I guess it wouldn't hurt to finally mention that my husband's name was John.

[widower2]

Wow. Reading some of this I felt like I was reading my own thoughts at times. Guilt has tortured me many times over for a very long time now (but those of you who are new to this, don't look at me like the norm and think "oh no"...most people do not get "stuck" like this for so long). And honestly I have no reason to complain, and I'm not, nor have I told anyone I know about this because I earned it. No that isn't me speaking out of grief or feeling guilty because it's human nature and something that comes with the turf (which it does). Believe me. I don't think I could describe words for myself about this without cursing like a sailor so I won't, but so many times I have thought about this and did curse myself bitterly; how the hell could I have done (or not done) so many things...those of you who know you did your best, be at peace; you can't ask for more. But I did not, that's what enrages me. What the hell was wrong with me? Don't believe me? Her's an example: when she was being tested when she found a lump that was biopsied, she called me from work and told me she had cancer......we work about 90 mins apart, but so what? Did I take off work and rush to her side like a normal human being? Did I at least offer a wave of supporting words? No. I don't remember what I said (didn't say) exactly but she brought it up years later and when I realized that, I felt lower than any crawling bug on the earth. Just unbelievable and revolting. I desperately needed someone to whack me upside the head (perhaps literally) and clue in my idiot clueless self, but of course no such person existed. Or near the end when they put her in hospice and she lapsed into a coma...the Dr refused to give her any feeding tube because "it might cause an infection." I will never know why I didn't realize what a completely asinine justification that was (an infection from an IV? like they don't do IVs all the time?) and rip him a new one, and realize he was purposely giving up and effectively starving her to death, but I didn't. I felt powerless. And she paid the price. Now would it have made a diff in the end? Maybe not, but who knows, it was certainly worth a try. (PS you don't ever want to get me on the soapbox about what a joke our medical profession is now, I could go on for pages - and that Dr is lucky to be alive)  There's more (including some things similar to what others have said, like daring to think of myself for even a second and not thinking of her 100% of the time with 100% of my effort), but this is already too long, sorry, I guess it's my long-winded way of saying I can relate and to suggest when you're beating yourself up, remember well at least you weren't me. You're better than you give yourself credit for. (And anyone who is thinking of saying the same to me, please don't; I appreciate the thought behind it, but I know better)

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

(And anyone who is thinking of saying the same to me, please don't; I appreciate the thought behind it, but I know better)

Widower2,

She loved you knowing who you are.  She knew you loved her too. 

Did she get peeved with you for being insensitive sometimes, probably.  But that doesn't mean she didn't still love you or know that you loved her.

My mom used to call my dad the absent minded professor because if she didn't remind him of her birthday or their anniversary he would never have remembered it.  They were married for over 60 years.  She'd be a bit peeved and then she'd say, "that's just George. I know he loves me even though he doesn't show it."  And he did, he really did.

Some people's brains just work a bit differently. Not everyone shows concern the same way.  Your wife probably just wrote it off that it was just "your way". 

When she raised the issue later, she was likely looking for some confirmation that you really did love her and were concerned.  I am sure you gave that confirmation. 

You too need to forgive yourself for not being 100% perfect. You were there for her in so many ways. She knew you loved her.

I am sure I can match you blow for blow on all the things I did wrong or failed to do in my taking care of John.  But even as I blundered, he knew I loved him.  He was on a ventilator much of the time so he couldn't say "Gail, this is a bad idea." He was just stuck with my imperfect decisions. But I have to believe he knew I was trying my best to save him.

I am sure your wife knew you were doing the best you could do for her as well. 

Gail

[KayC]

My sister and her husband could have many regrets...he yelled a lot, was insensitive, but he took good care of her when she became disabled and yet she never appreciated him until it was too late.  I was the one person that saw that he truly loved her, regardless of his rough exterior & upbringing.  He didn't show it in flowers and lovey speech, but he showed it in his actions, his continual loyalty.  They were married 50 years.  She never once considered she might lose him!  SHE was the one who did not take care of herself, she was very overweight, smoked like a chimney (even though he had allergies), has severe COPD and diabetes and does nothing to help it...he was also diabetic but tried to take care of himself and was fit...clear up until he suddenly was diagnosed with cancer and was losing weight by leaps and bounds that he didn't need to lose.  Did her smoking contribute to it?  IDK, I wouldn't raise it now, it's a moot point now.  

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

You were there for her in so many ways. She knew you loved her.

Exactly!  Try to learn to be patient and understanding of yourself, as your own best friend, we all need to be our own best friend, now that ours has died.  It took me a long time to learn to value myself...even as George did. 

 

[foreverhis]

On 12/11/2020 at 8:55 PM, Sparky1 said:

I would do everything all over again for her. That's what I signed up for, for better or for worse. When you love your spouse you will always be there for her(him).

Yes, I would too.  Even knowing I'd be where I am now, I would still jump in and never look back, never regret what we had for so many years.  Of course our lives had ups and downs, but we were always bound by our love and our friendship.  After the bicycling accident that almost killed him, things were challenging for a long time.  Then I was diagnosed with auto-immune conditions that further strained our lives (financially, socially, and emotionally).   Yet never once did we throw up our hands and say, "This is too hard."

We both meant every word of our vows.  When we met with the minister, he went over the traditional vows and changes/additions we wanted. I said, "I won't promise to obey him."  My love laughed and laughed like, "No kidding!"  The minister said, "We're smarter than to ask that now."  He also suggested the addition of a traditional Native American prayer that he thought kind of captured the way we were with each other. It was really lovely, so we said yes.

I fear toward the end that the times I couldn't be with him at the hospital or rehab, he was afraid I would just give up on him.  I never would have and never will.  I would have taken care of him forever, no matter what. 

[LMR]

Foreverhis. That is also my fear. That when I was not allowed to be with him that he forgot that I was thinking of him every minute. He was so lonely and vulnerable and I couldnt help him. I needed to be there.

[foreverhis]

54 minutes ago, LMR said:

He was so lonely and vulnerable and I couldnt help him. I needed to be there.

One of the things that makes my heart ache for everyone going through losing their soulmates now is the enforced separation.  I've pondered in my head and even talked about it with my dear SIL.  She mentioned how a friend of hers lost a relative to COVID and no one could even say goodbye in person.  That's when I told her my dark thoughts about how much worse it would have been for us if he was fighting his cancer now.  I believe he would have died sooner without me there, not just wrangling the doctors and his care, but just being there as much as I could. 

I spent night after night sometimes on an uncomfortable recliner or in a couple of chairs "sleeping" by his side or near him in the hospital.  The nights I didn't sleep there or when he was at rehab when it wasn't allowed, he had a harder time and so did I.  For months at home during and after chemo and his surgery, I told him that I'd be sleeping with my "mom ears" back on like so many years ago.  Sure enough, one night I was snoring (or so he claimed) and he softly called my name, which usually would get me to roll over and stop.  That night, I bolted up and out of bed and scurried around to him saying, "What, love?  What's wrong?  What do you need?"  He just kind of lay there staring at me and said, "Boy, you weren't kidding." Then he explained.  I said, "I told you.  And by the way, me snoring?  Hmph."  Then we both laughed and went back to sleep.

So even in the worst of times, we were better together.  It truly makes my heart break for you and everyone who will be haunted by COVID making the worst thing in the world that much more painful.

[CatL]

I believe had my husband been hospitalized at a different time, not during Covid, had I been able to see him, be with him, he would still be alive. He had cognitive impairment, he couldn't remember a lot, and I know he must have felt like I had deserted him. Even when I would call the hospital, if he wasn't awake they would not wake him so I could talk to him. So there were days I didn't get that chance. When he was transferred to a rehab center, they were so overworked, and again, it was not easy to get him ready to see him, even just thru a window. So I did my best, but it will never feel like enough. There was so much I couldn't find out because I couldn't see him. I couldn't tell them something was wrong, he was going downhill. So when he died, it was just a quick call, saying he was being transferred back to the hospital. Nothing more.

Some days the guilt of not being there, of not being able to help him, did I make the wrong decisions for him, the list of guilt goes on - and sometimes it feels all consuming. That's why I remind myself, at least he knew he was loved. He always felt that love from me. It may not be much, but its what I have.

[LMR]

CatL

That is exactly how I feel. I know he would have lived if I had been there. He had a broken hip. He was expected to make a full recovery. He was neglected and they terrorized him. They told him he would need permanent long term care which Medicare doesn't pay for. He was afraid of leaving me penniless. But his specialist said he would be fine in a few weeks. They told me he was suicidal but it was only because of what they were telling him. We hadn't been apart more than a day in over  40 years. It was more than he could bear.

[foreverhis]

On 12/12/2020 at 2:12 AM, Maria_PI said:

I guess one never gets a second chance to “do better next time” and so I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life. Guilt is my cross to carry.
I am sorry I had to vent here and thank you for listening!

I do understand this.  I know I was a good, loving, caring wife, best friend, companion, and lover to my husband, but I was far from perfect.  If I had a "do over," I'd jump on his doctors--and a little on him when he was somewhat nonchalant about his change in symptoms.  It might have made no difference and the doctors were the experts, not us, so we could only go with the information we had at the time.  Still, I ask myself if I'd been more assertive would he be with us today?

But more than that, if I had a do over, I'd let go of the little things easier.  I'd be more patient, more understanding, and even more loving.  Over 35 years, we had a few downs along with our mostly ups, though never deep enough to pull us apart.  We rarely fought and never with swearing or screaming or nastiness.  Nevertheless, I've always been very good at self criticism and tend to remember my own mistakes, real or imagined, for a very, very long time.

And please don't feel you need to apologize here, ever.  It's the one place where we do listen to each other and we know we can vent and cry and question and talk.

[SharedLife]

Wow, it appears there's a lot of guilt feelings. I suppose it's to be expected, considering we've just lost the most important person in our life. We're searching everywhere for answers to all the "why" questions, and it figures that eventually we turn the spotlight on ourselves. I wrestled with guilt for some time but finally forced myself to take an objective, realistic, look at what happened and realized there was nothing I could have done to prevent her passing away.  But I do know she knew I loved her--not just then but for years preceding her death.  And I know she loved me--and she wouldn't want me to grieve as much as I am. Despite the grief that now afflicts me, I remind myself that I had something rare and precious in my life: Someone I dearly loved and someone who dearly loved me.  She's still with me in spirit and will remain with me for the rest of my life. In a sense, it's a trade-off.  I wouldn't feel the grief so deeply had I not felt the love so deeply.  Given the choice, I'd accept the grief if I knew that was a condition of sharing the love.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, LMR said:

CatL

That is exactly how I feel. I know he would have lived if I had been there. He had a broken hip. He was expected to make a full recovery. He was neglected and they terrorized him. They told him he would need permanent long term care which Medicare doesn't pay for. He was afraid of leaving me penniless. But his specialist said he would be fine in a few weeks. They told me he was suicidal but it was only because of what they were telling him. We hadn't been apart more than a day in over  40 years. It was more than he could bear.

This breaks my heart.  

6 hours ago, SharedLife said:

Wow, it appears there's a lot of guilt feelings.

It's natural, we were so intertwined, we felt responsible for each other and it's natural to feel we let each other down, even if we don't know what we could have done different!  "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it." Maya Angelou

[Dawn Wms]

I do feel guilt.  I feel guilty that my husband died instead of me.  He was the outgoing one.  He was the one who loved people and was far more connected to others.  He had four children.  They love me and I love them, but I am still just the step-mom.  It shouldn't have been him.   My husband died of a pulmonary embolism. He went to the doctor the day before.  An X-ray revealed a spot on his lung and yet they did not advise him to get a CT scan.  They presented it as a possibility, but didn't say it was necessary.    I trusted the medical opinion. I feel guilty that I didn't challenge the decision to "wait and see."  He was sent home and died the next day.   I was not allowed in the clinic with him because of COVID.  He always down-played any sign of illness, certain that he'd be just fine.  And he always was.  He was healthy and fit.  He wasn't feeling well for a few days, but still carried on.  He didn't look like he was in distress.  Unfortunately, that attitude harmed him.  And I feel guilty that I wasn't concerned enough to push the issue, to make sure he got the CT scan that could have saved him.  And I feel guilty that I didn't express as much as I could have how much I loved and appreciated him.  I did express appreciation and love, but I feel now that should have done so more often.  We had a great relationship and were good to one another, but I still feel bad about not expressing my love even more.  I thought he would be here with me for many years to come.  He was not vulnerable, but then it turned out he was.  I just feel guilty that I couldn't prevent his death.  

[SharedLife]

Dawn Wms - I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. It's tragic that they could have given him a CT scan but didn't. THAT is on them, not you. He was in the proper place, with the proper professionals, and apparently they failed him...and they failed you. I don't see any way that you could have prevented what happened.

When we're in a relationship, we may not often verbalize our love for each other.  We see it and can sense it from the look in each other's eyes, from gestures (holding hands, touching), smiles, and from knowing each other. You've heaped a huge burden of blame on yourself, and you've got to let it go. It was not your fault. You've got a lot of healing to do and it will be more difficult if you blame yourself.

[jmmosley53]

I too was not allowed to be with my beloved when he was in the hospital and when he died,  because of the COVID rules.   I was blessed that the nurses would hold the phone near him or else put it on speaker so he could her me saying I loved him and that I wished I was with him, but I wasn't allowed to be there with him. 

I don't know if he understood.  I never felt so helpless in my life.  When he needed me the most I wasn't there - a damn virus was preventing me from being where I wanted to be.  

The whole thing was so impossible, yet that is what happened.  The guilt and resentment will be with me forever I think.  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

I feel now that should have done so more often.

It's natural to feel that way because that option closed to us.  Try writing him a letter and tell him how you feel.  Put a message in a balloon and release it.  Talk to him aloud.  Who knows, maybe they can hear us, no one can prove they can't!

[KayC]

10 hours ago, SharedLife said:

We see it and can sense it from the look in each other's eyes, from gestures (holding hands, touching), smiles, and from knowing each other.

And all of that is telling them you love them.  Cooking their favorite meal, leaving the garage light on, phoning, texting, all of those things that we miss now, those are ways of showing love, it's not only verbal.

7 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I too was not allowed to be with my beloved when he was in the hospital and when he died,  because of the COVID rules.

They wouldn't let me be with him when they were working on him, they threw me out when he was having a heart attack (they wouldn't have even known if not for me because they weren't paying any attention to the monitors).  I never saw him alive again.  I am so sorry for all of you who were denied the privilege of being with your spouse as they were dying.  Something about this year I'll forever curse!