loss of best friend

[Missy1]

I was told that where they go, time doesn’t exist like it does here. When we see them it will be like no time passed for them. It’s just us who are stuck here who are suffering. 

[peach_2003]

the suffering is just the worse

[Larissa]

It’s constant and all encompassing 

[peach_2003]

yes it is. I went into work today for a meeting all my co workers were great. I am going back in june (it felt weird to being there) as I haven't been there since everything happened. it was hard like my one manager said it will be hard like this for a while (she knows how it is as she lost her husband a few years ago, They are letting me do some work from home if and when I can which is nice.

[Missy1]

@peach_2003 Glad your management understands. Mine is okay but does not understand. The fact that they are gone from this wold, they no longer physically exist makes me cry so much. I look at his stuff and feel like maybe  it was a dream. No one cares if I live or die, no one will ever love us that way. The grief continues as much as I try to be brave, I can’t.

[peach_2003]

I feel the same way I look at his things and think this is all a nightmare and I am going to wake up and he is going to be here or I am going to get a call saying he is ready to come home then I remember all that happened and I get sad all over again. I got good news today that I wanted to share with him my manager told me that I would eventually be taking over the whole operation of our business soon within  the next year or so that she was going to be training me on the stuff that I don't know how to do yet (which isn't much since I have been there so long) and that I would be taking over I was happy to hear this as this was always the plan and now my sweet husband isn't going to see me in this role. 

[Missy1]

Congratulations, I am happy for you in your success. He is proud of you watching from his place in heaven. When we succeed or do something we are proud of, it feels sad because they are not there in the same way. It’s sooo had being alone. 3 days no one contacted me. I fear I will alone and no one will even know for days...

[Dey]

@peach_2003 congratulation. Although it's really sad you can't no longer share with your husband. It's painful reality that now we can share anything, whether good or bad with our husband, he used to be the first person to share everything with me. He still is the one I think about first thing in everything.

24 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

The fact that they are gone from this wold, they no longer physically exist makes me cry so much. I look at his stuff and feel like maybe  it was a dream. No one cares if I live or die, no one will ever love us that way. The grief continues as much as I try to be brave, I can’t.

It hurt the most. I keep remembering this and that about him, the way he smile to how he's the first one/object I see when I woke up each morning, but he's no longer there. Yeah I also feel this grief is as hard and difficult as ever, sometimes even worst..

[peach_2003]

He would have been proud of me knowing that I am succeeding the way we wanted just wish that I could share this with him,

[Missy1]

I understand, we lost the most precious person on earth. My husband and I had a conversation a couple of weeks before he died and I told him I’m so happy I love you more than any human being on this earth! More than m parents, my brother etc, and he said  I feel the same way you’re the center of my universe.

[peach_2003]

my husband told me he loved me everyday even when he was on life support ( he still had brain activity and understood everything) I told him I loved him and asked him if he loved me and even though he couldn't talk he shook his head yes

[Missy1]

When I can muster up the strength to look at pics, it’s my trigger. I can barely tolerate living without him. Life is cruel...

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

my husband told me he loved me everyday even when he was on life support ( he still had brain activity and understood everything) I told him I loved him and asked him if he loved me and even though he couldn't talk he shook his head yes

My husband was in the hospital his last 3 weeks.  He wanted me there all the time, which I couldn't quite be of course.  I look back and wish I'd just let him be and let him rest sooner, but I couldn't.  I needed him so much.  So he kept fighting longer than I should have asked him to.  Still, I'm comforted knowing that the very last words I ever said to him, for about the millionth time, were that I loved him more than anything and he was everything to me.  I hope so much that he heard me and understood, but by the last few hours on comfort care, he wasn't responding much.

I slept on an infusion recliner at the hospital and sometimes had it during the day so I could be slightly comfortable or rest.  But often, the infusion center would need it really early, so at 4:30 am or so, I'd have to move to two chairs facing each other and wedged by the bed.  I didn't ever have "good" sleep there, but those chairs were the worst and by then we'd been in and out of the hospital and rehab for nearly 4 months.  I'd sit and hold his hand; I'd stroke his hair and lean over for a little kiss; when he'd be staring into the dark, I'd ask him if he was afraid to go to sleep because he was afraid he might not wake up and he'd say yes.  And knew that I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat to spare him the pain and fear.

In those last days, a scene from Good Will Hunting kept coming into my mind, even though I had only watched it a couple of times when it first came out more than 20 years ago.  For some reason, Robin William's character's dialogue stuck with me.  In the scene Robin's character is talking about the difference between reading about life and actually living it.  What kept coming into my mind was this:

"...I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself."

I understood the truth of it, all of it, because not everyone finds that kind of love.  We are the lucky ones because we did, so no matter how horrible or painful things are for me now, I accept that it's because I found him and he chose me.

[peach_2003]

I would never tried anything for the time we were together if anything I would give u everything now to have him back

[KayC]

15 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

was happy to hear this as this was always the plan and now my sweet husband isn't going to see me in this role. 

Who knows, maybe they can be aware of our triumphs!  I hope so.  So much we have yet to know about life beyond.  CONGRATULATIONS! 

Am so glad your job is not only there but also recognizes your value!

[KayC]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We are the lucky ones because we did, so no matter how horrible or painful things are for me now, I accept that it's because I found him and he chose me.

This brought me back in memories...George and I started out our relationship writing letters.  Snail mail, two days over, day to read/write, two days back, weekends off for mail so often a week before we'd get a response to what we wrote although we wrote every day.  In one of his letters he literally burst out (couldn't wait!), "Marry me, Little One!"  And I said yes.  I've never felt closer to anyone.  We understood each other, heart and soul.  And I never regretted it, no matter what we went through, I wish I had him still.

[Missy1]

Yes, they understood us heart and soul. So many memories and adventures. So much laughter and now so many tears...

Sunday, Mother’s Day, we would have celebrated, he would have called his Mother, I hope she thinks of him today. She is very stoic and kept her emotions at bay during the his ICU days and at his funeral. His family is cold like that, he was the opposite very warm and snuggly. He had a kind heart and was so sensitive, he tried to hide it from others. 

[peach_2003]

I didn't call my mother in law today but did post something on face book for her. I gave her a card with a present yesterday that made her cry I didn't mean to make her cry I just wanted her to know that she still has me

[KayC]

17 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I gave her a card with a present yesterday that made her cry I didn't mean to make her cry I just wanted her to know that she still has me

They were good tears, I am sure.  

It was the hardest Mother's Day I remember.  Alone all day, my mom has been gone six years, didn't hear from my kids until past bedtime, my son was camping clear across the state, my daughter babysitting twice as long as she'd expected, you could hear the kids shrieking in the background, she'd finally gave up on getting off and called me.  Got four hours sleep last night, it's going to be a long day.  I hate this social distancing.  I miss human connection.  I miss feeling cared about.  Sigh.

[Missy1]

Going  back to work can be both a blessing and a trial. I went back after a month, into to office . I had to get up and run to a an empty conference room or bathroom to cry and contain my outbursts of grief. It would hit me that I had no one to go home to, no one to share work stories with, no one who cared about me, just a bunch of coworkers who pretend to care but they don’t really.
They all have their own family and spouses I have no one. They are so very polite but  none of them feel anything for my actual well being beyond behaving socially responsible. Some were gawkers, looking at me like a had a disease, pathetic widow, afraid of me. Others felt pity for me or concern but I knew none of this was really carving. That one person who really cared is gone.

[peach_2003]

I know that's what I am dreading when I go back to work is when I come home I wont have anyone to share my work stories with Walking into the empty apartment all alone. Not having anyone wonder why I am not home yet and worry about me at night when I walk home in the dark. I know that my co workers care as we are a very small group so I know that they worry but still its not the same as having my sweet husband at home.

[Missy1]

I am glad you have sincere coworkers.  I guess I am bitter, I have seen too many cruel people at my work place. My hubby would always worry when I stayed late or had to make my home in the dark to, I miss that so much! 
I find my work to be a distraction from the constant thoughts of him. Solitude is not good they say, although I find it comforting. 
I just wish I could go where he is or just know where he went. 

[peach_2003]

I do wish I could go were he is too, I am glad I have my co workers as well. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I know that's what I am dreading when I go back to work is when I come home I wont have anyone to share my work stories with Walking into the empty apartment all alone. Not having anyone wonder why I am not home yet and worry about me at night when I walk home in the dark.

There will never be anything or anyone that can come close to making us feel that deep, rich contentment of knowing that no matter what, no matter what our days were like, and no matter if one or both of us was feeling out of sorts, our soulmate will be there, waiting and worrying if we're late and we would do the same for them.  There were a few times I forgot to call my husband to tell him I'd be later than expected.  I'd get home and realize I hadn't called when I saw the look on his face: Irritation, relief, and love all at once.  And I'd apologize, sincerely, and tell him I was sorry I'd worried him.  Of course he would forgive me, but he'd gently remind of how it made him feel, that knot of worry in the pit of his stomach.  This was especially true once we moved to a rural region on the coast.  The road from our little community to town (the small city that's the county seat) is 12 miles and somewhat narrow two lane with drivers who think 55 mph is merely a suggestion.  (I confess, when the road is clear in the day time, it's hard not to speed.  I've looked down to realize I'm driving 70 mph.)  So if I went to town alone and things took longer than expected, I would call him to let him know.  One friend who is actually no longer a friend once said something like, "What is he, your father?  Why do you have to get his permission to stay out late?"  Well, that was the end of that friendship as I told her, "I'm not asking permission.  I'm being considerate, as anyone should be, no matter how old we are, because my love would worry" and wasn't I lucky to have someone waiting at home who would give a damn if something happened to me.

That's probably also part of why I was a virtual hermit for months after.  Every time I so much as drove 2 miles to the grocery store, I'd cry coming home because it was yet another slap of "He's gone from this life.  He's not there waiting to welcome you home, unload the groceries, and help put things away."  To this day, I sometimes forget that I need to unlock the door because my heart somehow hopes that he will be waiting for me.  And when the car crests over the hill and I can see the roof of our house, my heart jumps just a little and my eyes blur.

I think I am lucky in my friends.  My tiny tightest circle does not live locally, but my small newer circle lives on the same block--two literally across the street--or just down a few blocks.  Several weeks ago, I got two texts and then a phone call one afternoon.  It seems everyone had noticed I hadn't put out my garbage cans in the evening for morning pickup and no one had actually seen me for 2 days, not even to get the mail.  So after a bunch of back-and-forth with each other, one was designated to check in and report back, in part so that if I was fine I wouldn't feel smothered.  I was fine, that is as I define "fine" these days, but had been talking to my baby sister on the phone the evening before.  We had longest call we'd had in years at 4-1/2 hours.  At that point, it was too late to take out the garbage because it's noisy on our pavers and I wasn't about to get up at 5 am to do it before pickup.  I had plenty of room, after all it's just me now, so I shrugged, took a shower, and went to bed.  The weather had been kind of crappy, cold and windy, so I'd been inside the previous 2 days.  It felt good to know that people noticed and cared enough to make sure I was okay, but it also reminded me yet again that the one person I wish was here to worry about me, isn't.  Still, I know, through signs and feelings and our personal faith (untethered from any specific religion now), that he is still here in some way.  There's a small comfort in that now.

Congratulations!!! On your well earned promotion.  No doubt it is terribly bittersweet, but I'll bet that your love is cheering for you and so proud even though he's not here physically.  Someday, when you are reunited, he will tell you himself.  I am certain of this because love like yours is eternal.