Does Anyone Else Get This Feeling?

[Gail 8588]

Lily Bell,

Thank you for your post. I am sad that you have no one to talk to in your area, but I am glad you can come here and share your experience. 

I do "get it". I am struggling with my connection to life.  I don't know if I can make it back to the kind of life I led before my husband died, or if I will have to accept a changed, and very solitary existence.  At times I feel I am losing my mind. 

I am in my 3rd year of widowhood, and it has been my most difficult. I don't feel it getting any easier. It is hard to imagine that I can continue to exist in this level of torment, but one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and keep breathing, these are my mantras for now. 

Peace

Gail

[KayC]

Lily Bell,

I am happy to hear from you again but sorry to hear how things have been going for you. I'm glad you have your dogs.  I lost my Arlie to cancer four months ago, the journey was very hard and I miss him more than anything, it hurt just like it did to lose George, but then Arlie and I were very very close companions.  My son just brought me a new puppy, Kodie, nothing like Arlie but I'm focusing on what positive traits he has and not expecting him to replace Arlie...he can't, no one can.  

I've wondered the same thing: 

4 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

"Where are you?"

Can't wait to be with George and Arlie again.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎12‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 8:17 AM, KayC said:

I think people are quick to attribute God's blessing when it turns out how they wanted

This is so true.  What would they be saying if his scans had come back negative?  Would they still be thanking God?  Would they still be going on and on about God's glory and what a merciful God he is?  Because to someone who didn't receive any of that, it can all seem pretty cruel. 

[Rhonda R]

Lily Bell -

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this yuck and feeling invisible.  That's painful to read, I can't imagine feeling that way every single day.  Everyone loves different, everyone lives different and everyone grieves differently so, even if they have been through it, don't expect them to get it.  Those of us who come here I think, are very similar.  The loss is still first and foremost in our lives, no matter if it has been 15 years or 15 days. 

I understand the need to live in the present.  Sometimes, it's easier to just believe he's gone for the weekend and he'll be back soon.  Sometimes it's the only way to get out of bed.  Life sure isn't fair.  It's so good that you have your dogs for companions.  Sometimes, animals are better than people.  True unconditional love.  They don't try to fix it by saying things that are actually quite hurtful or ignore it altogether. 

You are right, 19 months into this, for many of us, there really is no support anymore.  Have you tried reading some books or looking at articles on grief?  When I'm feeling really misunderstood, they often help me.  The reality of it is, just because we have people in our lives, that doesn't mean we are getting support.  My sister calls me every day to dump on me about her day and when she is done she ends the call by saying, "Well, I really didn't need anything else."    Rarely does she ask me how I'm doing.  Our cousin died a year ago and all she can talk about is her sister, our poor cousin Carla...ummm....Hello?  I reach out to my cousin all the time and she thanks me but never asks how I am doing.  My point is, just because these people are in my life and I have contact with them, they take far more than they give and I would not consider them a support system.  My grief feels invisible to them. 

We want to support you so please, keep coming here.  Your grief, her life, your life, it's all important. 

To everyone else on here dealing with situations that don't help heal your grief.  My therapist keeps asking me why I don't confront these behaviors if they bother me so much.  I'm not sure why I don't but what I have done is taken out the should's.  I should go to that.  I should reach out to that person.  I should get this person a gift.  I should make an effort in this relationship, even when they don't.  My challenge from her this month was to look at the should.  If I started the sentence with should instead of I want...she challenged me to look at that and give myself permission to not. 

 

[Jttalways]

23 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

My sister calls me every day to dump on me about her day and when she is done she ends the call by saying, "Well, I really didn't need anything else."    Rarely does she ask me how I'm doing.  Our cousin died a year ago and all she can talk about is her sister, our poor cousin Carla...ummm....Hello?  I reach out to my cousin all the time and she thanks me but never asks how I am doing.  My point is, just because these people are in my life and I have contact with them, they take far more than they give and I would not consider them a support system.  My grief feels invisible to them. 

Wow. Unbelievable. Some people are so self centered. I am glad you have your therapist and I hope writing on this website helps you and that you feel support from us. I do. Besides my son, you all are the only ones I share my true feelings with. My best friend and confidant is gone. The 1 person I would be sharing my feelings with isnt here anymore. Does it matter if I have many friends or zero friends to talk to, when the only person I care to talk to is gone? It’s hilarious, I’m so depressed and all I want to do is call my husband and vent to him about how depressed I am, that he’s gone now and I am so sad about it. I even play out how that conversation would go in my head. I’m sorry for reiterating how depressed I am on here. I hope my depression is not depressing any of you. I couldn’t stop crying today because I kept thinking of a memory from last year. I’ve always had long thick hair. I’ve never had it shorter than my shoulders. When my husband got sick, a lot of my hair fell out due to stress and anxiety. It looked thin and straggly. So, almost a year ago, I got a pixie cut at a salon. I thought I looked horrible. I cried on the drive home. When I got home, my husband said he loved my new haircut and he told me it looked good. He made me feel beautiful when I felt so ugly. I’ll always be grateful to him for that. No one else is ever going to make me feel like that again.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

My challenge from her this month was to look at the should

My grief counselor/mentor says to throw away the shoulds.  I agree.  Yet I think we've all caught ourselves doing things because we think we should, or it's expected.  We don't want to offend people.  I've learned to "educate" people on my grief.  When Arlie died a neighbor said something totally inappropriate grief-wise and I proceeded to let him know why it was an inappropriate response.  People often don't know they're being offensive..  So many times I've heard Dr. Phil say we teach people how to treat us...that is true.  If someone has gone on and on about themself and are about to get off the phone, we might say to them, "Aren't you interested in how my day has been?"  They will likely be surprised as they realize they didn't know they were doing that.  I'm less concerned about offending people than I am improving our relationship.

6 hours ago, Jttalways said:

No one else is ever going to make me feel like that again.

Ahh, how well I know.  And I doubt you looked ugly.  A beautiful person on the inside could never look ugly on the outside, our inner beauty shines through.  But I think we all have those times we're conscious of our looks, and it was so nice when our person was here that reassured us and made us feel special, it's been so long since I've had that...

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

If someone has gone on and on about themself and are about to get off the phone, we might say to them, "Aren't you interested in how my day has been?"  They will likely be surprised as they realize they didn't know they were doing that.

That's an excellent response.  I have a neighbor friend who has gone through some emotional and physical traumas over the past of couple of years.  I've been sympathetic up to a point, but she started spiraling over and over about how "something" that happened now or recently traumatized her again over something that happened 10 months ago or longer.  And so on.  All she seemed to be doing was venting and looking for an emotional outlet and reassurances from me.  She's got long-term friends, but I don't know if that's how she was relating to them as well.  She wasn't asking how I was doing, how she could help, offering sympathy, etc.

At one point, I decided I could not keep relating to her like that.  So I called another neighbor friend, who has become a really good friend, and asked her if she'd come over because I needed some advice.  I had barely started saying what was bothering me, when my second friend clued in on exactly what had been happening.  I told her I needed to talk through how to back away from the first friend if she kept behaving like that without being an utter bitch about it.  The first friend wasn't and isn't a bad person, but she was so "me" centered that she was treating me as if I should be either a therapist or just give her comfort and reassurance.  She'd become what I'd have to call a drama queen.

Now, her traumas weren't nothing, but they are things that she can get over and from which she can and should move on.  My loss and grief are worlds beyond hers and her lack of compassion or self-awareness was beginning to make me really angry.  I talked it through with my other friend, who really understood why I was so upset and felt a need to back away, but without being mean about it.  My dear friend offered both understanding and some excellent ideas.

Strangely enough, that day my first friend sent me an email that went something like this: "I just realized I've been going on and on and on about my problems and haven't thought to ask how you are, what I can do to help, and just be there for you.  Your loss is so much more than my problems.  I've been selfish.  I'm sorry."  What was weird was that she sent that email while my other friend and I were talking over a cup of tea.  It was as if something in the air sent my feelings down the block to her.  I sent an email back thanking her for realizing that I couldn't be her emotional support system, that I valued our friendship, and that I hoped she would continue to understand my grief better.  At one point, she had compared losing her mom 15 years earlier to me losing my love.  I had told her that I knew she'd been close to her mom and wasn't minimizing her loss, but it wasn't the same at all.  Maybe that was what got her to thinking about her behavior and expectations.  I don't know.  But things have been better between us since then.  She's still a more casual friend and always will be, but we can spend a couple of evenings together each month and enjoy the time now. 

I had almost the opposite issue with our daughter.  After I had a talk with her about why I couldn't hear, "I'm grieving too" every time I tried to tell her how I was feeling, she went a bit far in the other direction.  She has been having some issues with life in general and with our granddaughter's other grandma (who is now institutionalized due to dementia).  More than once our daughter would relate something that was upsetting her and then apologize for it, saying that she knew my grief over her beloved dad was just so much worse and so much more that she felt stupid and selfish for even bringing up her problems.  I told her that I'm still her mom and will always be there for her, that her problems were not nothing or unimportant to me, and that she never needed to apologize if she needed to talk or cry.  I told her that I appreciated she had come to understand my grief better, but that I never intended to diminish hers or make her feel like she couldn't talk to me or ask for advice.  We've come to a more balanced place now and, in some ways, are closer than ever.

 

[Rhonda R]

18 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

"I'm grieving too"

About a week after my husband passed away his son said to me, "You aren't the only one grieving Rhonda."  He kept calling himself his son of 26 years, as if time made more of a difference than all my husband and I had shared in our 8 year marriage, not to mention our 26 year friendship.  I was married for 13 years before Randy and I can tell you, that marriage was nothing compared to the love and friendship I shared with my husband during our marriage.  But, for a son to compare himself to a wife?  A son who was largely gone throughout his entire illness, living in another state, who rarely contacted his dad unless it was financial?  No, we are not the same....not even close. 

My daughter, who is Randy's stepdaughter, feels very left out in this whole process.  She said no one thinks it's a loss for you because it's your stepdad and you have a dad.  Randy and Jordyn were always very close.  While in high school, Randy attended every basketball game, volleyball game, choir concert, band concert, national honor society, you name it.  Over Christmas break she would come home from college and "talk his ear off" as he put it.  He would put notes on her bedroom door that said "Keep Out!" when he knew she was coming home for the weekend.  She made it to every surgery and radiation appointment.  Her grades suffered heavily when he took a turn for the worse and she begged us to let her take some time off from school but we both said no.  She ended up having to retake two of those classes, she couldn't concentrate.  She said her friends don't get it because he was her "stepdad" but he wasn't, he was so much more.  However, she does understand the loss is very different for both of us and thankfully doesn't compare her grief to mine. 

 

[KayC]

foreverhis,

I'm glad you came to some understanding with your acquaintance/friend and were able to effectively communicate to her.

Rhonda,

Wow.  It sounds like his son is in a competition...grief is never a competition.  WWe know that a spouse affects our everyday lives in a myriad of ways, I guess he just doesn't get that.  Try not to play into his competing, just casually acknowledge his pain and try to go on from there.  George was a wonderful stepdad to my kids even though only in their lives a few years.  People can't get what they haven't experienced, can they.