Does Anyone Else Get This Feeling?

[Rhonda R]

Does anyone else get that overwhelmed, sick to your stomach, crawl out of your skin, I have to get out of here feeling?  Literally sitting in a meeting at work and have to fight all these feelings and the urge to get up and run out of the room. 

[Gail 8588]

Yes, I have actually gotten that feeling more often as time has gone by. 

Sometimes I just feel exhausted by my grief.

Sorry if this sounds too negative.  I am in a bit of a funk right now. I guess it is the season. 

Peace

Gail  

[Rhonda R]

Don’t apologize, this is where you get to be you. 

[ccoflove]

Yes, i do. I break down mostly in bed, usually mornings but tonight is hitting hard. The bed feels so empty, my life seems so empty. The pain never ceases. I feel my grief makes me a nuicance and burden when i show it now that its been 13 months. Im told i need to talk to someone, need to take a pill, need to move on. I dont see a way out of the grief / survival loop and dont know what im suppose to change. Anything left of our life i want to hold onto, knowing with time there will be less and less of what was from our shared life. I feel like im just left with the crumbs of our life together to sustain me the rest of mine and the loneliness is so hard but no one else will do. I hold fast to the grief itself bc its better than not thinking of him, not remembering or letting memory fade. The holidays, the merryment, the cold nights are wearing me down. I wonder where he is, what he is experiencing, if he can hear me. I wonder if im going insane. I want our life back more than anything.

[Rhonda R]

I understand everything you just said. It feels like it’s going to be a long life without him. No one understands your loss because it isn’t the same loss for them. Everyone wants to fix you and there is no fix. I am reading a book called It’s Okay That You Are Not Okay. I feel like the book gets it and has been somewhat helpful.  This is a really really hard road. 

[KayC]

That's one of my pastor's favorite books, he's always quoting from it.  Self acceptance is important no matter where we're at in our journey.  It also feels elusive at times.

[jacqisonteam213]

yes , its happening right now

[Rhonda R]

I saw my therapist this morning and she says this is a version of an anxiety attack, which I had thought too.  These are new to me, why now?  She felt my grief was settling in and the reality of his death is finally hitting me.  I guess it's true, you can't outrun grief no matter how hard you try and believe me, I tried.  I'm not lonely overall, I'm lonely for HIM every single day.  I don't mind being in my house alone, I mind that he's not there.  I knew when I met him that this was something special, I just never thought about being without him.  We were going to live "happily ever after" so the story goes.  It's true that everything that begins...ends, we just never think of it.  I just wish I had been 96 when it happened.  I wouldn't have this long life without him.  That's the thing about being passionate about your spouse, you really don't need to find a passion for anything else. 

[jacqisonteam213]

@Rhonda R its new to me too.

[KayC]

Anxiety is common in grief.  I had to go on anti-anxiety meds...I was diagnosed before he died but I didn't need the meds until after he was gone.

[Heart&Soul]

I have been experiencing a great deal of anxiety lately because I have to deal with things that are not in my wheel house and I can't seem to get anyone to help me.  I suffered from anxiety and depression in the past but it feels like it's coming back and I am scared.  I don't have my best friend and partner here to help/support me. I want to wake up from this nightmare.  

[Michelene]

On 12/3/2019 at 12:37 PM, Rhonda R said:

Does anyone else get that overwhelmed, sick to your stomach, crawl out of your skin, I have to get out of here feeling?  Literally sitting in a meeting at work and have to fight all these feelings and the urge to get up and run out of the room. 

Yes--sometimes even when I am safe in my bed. It feels like fear, but maybe it is grief. It's below zero outside now so that checks me from running outside....

[Gail 8588]

I have all these feelings of being overwhelmed with having to deal with life on my own, fears about my physical safety, fears about my financial security, general loneliness.

I also feel selfish and greedy, because I had a long, happy marriage.  So many people around me never had a happy marriage.  

But no matter how logical it is that I should be happy, or at least content, I am still gripped with fears and loneliness at times.

Peace

Gail

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Heart&Soul said:

I have been experiencing a great deal of anxiety lately because I have to deal with things that are not in my wheel house and I can't seem to get anyone to help me.

Wheel house?  I'm not sure what you mean, can you explain more?

If you need help and there's no one to help, can you try senior and disabled services, if they can't help, perhaps they can suggest a number to call or where to go,  I know here they are very caring and helpful to get people what they need.

I don't want to be dismissive here, I know your anxiety is real as are your needs.  I have GAD and grief also brings anxiety with it, for we face dealing with a lot of changes that are not comfortable.  It helps me so much to try and stay in today and not worry about tomorrow, but I know that's easier said than done. Sometimes I have to put up the hand when worry arrives in the middle of the night to torment me.  And I'm on anti-anxiety medicine which I imagine I'll be on for life barring some miracle.  Prayer and meditation calm me.  Sometimes I watch a comedy to lighten the mood a bit.  And I walk my neighbor's dog, any time spent with a dog seems to calm me and lift my spirits, and walking does the same so it's a win/win.  

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Wheel house?  I'm not sure what you mean, can you explain more?

Hi Kay.  I'm going to jump in here, though I admit I'm making an assumption based on how my family uses the term.  I think Heart&Soul means all the tasks, probably some physical and others legal/financial/business, that her husband handled.  I'd use it to mean tasks that I'm not familiar with or don't know how to do (or do alone) or that are difficult/impossible physically.

Is that what you were asking?  And sorry in advance if that wasn't what you meant.

Great suggestion about contacting senior or disabled services for possible references and referrals for help.  I know many communities have resources that can be enormously beneficial. 

Unfortunately, there aren't really any senior or disabled services available where I live that could help me.  Most of the assistance available here is limited and only for people in dire financial situations.  Frankly, I think society in general only thinks of helping if someone or a family is promotable as a cause or has a situation or illness that is considered "in."  The problems of us everyday boring people don't seem to matter all that much.  Actually, unless I sell our home and possessions, spend every penny, and nearly end up on the streets, I don't qualify for any assistance at all.  Each agency or organization says I have "too much" to deserve any consideration.  It reminds me of college where each professor would assign "only" 1 or 2 hours of work without caring or understanding that I had four or five classes so that the total time needed would be at least 4 hours every day on top of class and lab time, a part-time job, and you know, life in general.  Added up, 4 or more hours of class and lab time, plus 4 or more hours of homework, plus 5 to 6 hours at my job, plus 1 or 2 hours of drive/commute time left me between 7 and 10 hours a day for absolutely everything else, including sleeping.  The same is true now with money and physical ability.  Dang, I know how whiny that sounds, but it's something that's hit close to home for many years, not just since my love died.

I too am taking anti-anxiety meds at night, though they don't always help my busy, busy anxious brain shut up.  I'm hoping time and actually getting things done will help with that.  I used to fight against taking medications, but my doctor is not one who over prescribes and said, "I prescribe these medications because they will help you!" more than once.  Now, I take what I need when I need it.

It's interesting you mention walking your neighbor's dog as being therapeutic.  I've taken over one afternoon a week of dog care for friends who are also neighbors.  Two days a week they have really long days, so one day another neighbor friend pitches in and I do the other.  Their dog is a smallish "dog dog" (not a yapper or a princess).  We take a walk for a while and then come back to my house.  She has her blankie on the sofa and we hang out for 3 or 4 hours until her mom or dad gets home.  She loves it and so do I.  We play a bit in the house and/or yard; we cuddle on the sofa while I work on paperwork or the computer; we have lunch, which is to say that I have lunch and if she doesn't beg she gets a treat.  My husband and I had pets before, so it's a pretty easy fit.  If she starts to do something she's not supposed to, I correct her and then say, "You're not my first doggie rodeo, you know."  It's been really beneficial for both of us.  I am absolutely not ready to even consider a pet of my own.  I can barely take care of myself most of the time.  This way, I get the benefits of having an animal companion without the full time responsibility.  Maybe down the road I will be ready to consider a dog or cat, but that won't be any time soon.

[Rhonda R]

I'm 51 but I still cannot do the things my husband did.  The physical things, many of the car things, yard work (I hate it).  Shoveling and snow blowing I have figured out.  Changing the furnace filters, the list goes on and on.  We kept our finances separate but, I was left with some debt I didn't know he had and I've been working two jobs to pay it off and make the ends meet.  I got no life insurance and when he died, his income went with him.  Although these things seem unimportant to others, they are our reality.  They are real concerns and real problems which just add to the sadness of the death of the love of your life.  Look around you, I have a brother in law and a family next door who have been great to me.  They see me out raking, the next thing I know is they are all headed over with their rakes.  I mentioned to them I don't have time to cut the grass, their son does it for me with their mower.  I pay him, but it's one less thing I have to worry about.  The other night I was shoveling by the mailbox and he stopped to offer me help.  My brother in law walks me through things like changing the furnace filter and checking the oil in the snow blower and jump starting a vehicle.  It stinks and sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders but I just remind myself I am doing the best I can.  As far as the bills go, it's slow but sure and they are willing to work with me as long as I am trying. 

I take depression meds.  I was on anxiety meds but I found that after my husband died, it wasn't really anxiety as much as it was depression.  Now it seems like I'm having both.  I see a therapist and that has done more for me than I can even begin to explain.  To those of you who feel like you are whining, don't.  This is your truth, your reality and it's real. 

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have a good friend who has been divorced for over 30 years.  Her bum of a husband left her with 2 kids, provided practically no financial support.  She worked so hard to raise her girls and I never heard her complain about all these things I am whining about. 

Although this is a tough situation, the two don't compare.  I've been divorced and my second husband died.  I can tell you, the second has been so much more difficult.  Anger is a great motivator.  It's easier to be angry than devastated.  Don't be so hard on yourself. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Although this is a tough situation, the two don't compare.  I've been divorced and my second husband died.  I can tell you, the second has been so much more difficult.  Anger is a great motivator.  It's easier to be angry than devastated.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

Yes!

[foreverhis]

On 12/5/2019 at 6:10 PM, Gail 8588 said:

She worked so hard to raise her girls and I never heard her complain about all these things I am whining about.

I have never been divorced, so I don't speak from first-hand knowledge.  However, I am absolutely certain that even though she never complained or "whined" (and I wouldn't even consider it whining) to you about her situation, she did plenty of crying, yelling, ranting, and so on by herself.  You can bet your boots that she didn't want to be a burden or bother others with her emotions and problems, etc.  Sound familiar?

Ask yourself how often you keep your grief kind of bottled up around others.  In large part, the physical and vocal parts of my grief are private.  I don't cry easily in front of others anyway.  (Gee, thanks mom and dad for your "stoic" and "don't cry to me young lady" attitudes.)  I know how dumb it is to keep things bottled up and I know it's dumb to think the people who love me will see it as weak or whiny.  I know they wouldn't.  But my grief, my pain, and my love are mine alone and I guess that's how I feel most comfortable with it.  Well, comfortable isn't right, but you know what I mean.

Lordy, we are all so damn hard on ourselves, aren't we?  Maybe lesson number one for our society and learning about grief should be "Talk to yourself gently and be kind to yourself just like you would be to someone else."  I find it so easy to honestly tell you that you are not whiny, you are not a wimp, and you are not weak.  What you are is grieving the loss of your soulmate, your best friend, your loving support in what is sometimes a dark, difficult world.  No one who hasn't experienced it can truly understand that.  We have lost the light of the one person who we never thought we could live without.  I sometimes wonder how I am going to live without my love and probably always will.  I am not minimizing the pain, anger, and devastation wrought by divorce.  I have friends whose lives have been shattered that way.  But even they admit that my grief is vastly different and much harder than theirs.

Please, love yourself today.  I am sending you warm comforting hugs from someone who understands the conflicting and chaotic emotions you live with day after day.

[Gail 8588]

Thanks for the hugs.

[Heart&Soul]

@Foreverhis  This is exactly what I meant when I said wheel house.  I am having issues with the vehicles and house repairs things he would do.  

 

 

[Jttalways]

Yes, I know the feeling. It’s like I have a knife in my chest. I’ve learned to deal with it, it’s always there. Sometimes something unexpected will twist that knife in my chest. It can be something someone says, a song, a place, food, pretty much anything. 

[Jttalways]

On 12/3/2019 at 8:02 PM, Gail 8588 said:

It is coming up on 3 years since John died and people all think I have adjusted so well to my changed circumstances, but they don't have a clue that I am barely holding it together much of the time. 

I find this to be the most irritating. Just because I’m not a blubbering mess or my life does not seem to be in shambles, do not presume that I am “taking it so well.” All you are seeing is a front. The exterior appears intact, but the interior is broken into a million pieces.

[KayC]

When I lost George, I didn't have any widowed friends, now I have many.  We get together often and although we seldom talk about it, we know we can, we are there for each other whether it's a good day or a bad day.  And grief support groups are that way too, although we cover grief related topics, vocalizing is optional there.  I find it very helpful to be with those who get it, here or in person.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

When I lost George, I didn't have any widowed friends, now I have many.  We get together often and although we seldom talk about it, we know we can, we are there for each other whether it's a good day or a bad day.  And grief support groups are that way too, although we cover grief related topics, vocalizing is optional there.  I find it very helpful to be with those who get it, here or in person.

This morning after early yoga, a group of us gathered for coffee and bagels as we often do on a Sunday.  We're all in our 60s and 70s.  Only two of us have lost our husbands, but the other wasn't there today.  We talk about anything and everything.  Only two were friends previously, but the others have been incredibly welcoming.  My two friends were also the only ones who knew how my husband died, that is until today.

One of the ladies mentioned she'd had to have a cystoscopy, though the problem turned out to have been nerve related.  Her doctors were looking for bladder cancer.  I had to turn my head and look out the window because I started to get so upset.  I tried to just keep breathing and not make a fuss.  But then one of the other ladies noticed me staring off into the distance and asked, "Are you okay?"  Well, here come the waterworks as I blubber out, "My husband died of bladder cancer." 

All of a sudden I was surrounded by my two friends and all the other ladies who were so sympathetic and comforting.  They didn't try to make it better; they didn't say, "I understand" or anything like that; they did mention that mine were not the first tears cried at that table.  What I really appreciated was that they were just there (and handing me napkins for my soggy face and eyes).  After a bit, I kind of made a joke about "Okay, who used this napkin first?" because we'd been teasing about used napkins earlier.  Then they felt they could be a little lighter and help me ease back into the conversation.  I said I was so glad that she did not have bladder cancer and she told me she'd already had breast cancer, so she does know that fear and anxiety just hearing the words.

I felt weird about crying in public.  I always do.  But to have this group of women, all of whom have been through good and bad in life, who only met me 6 months ago, be so kind was a bit of unexpected grace today.  You just never know when a little bit of light will shine through the dark.

[Jttalways]

I don’t really talk about my husband to many people. 1st, because it is still very painful and difficult to speak about him. Of course I bring him up in casual conversation all the time, “yes the 9ers are doing great this season, they’re my husband’s team” or “you’re going snowboarding? My husband loves snowboarding.” But I don’t go into depth about my husband unless I am asked deep questions directly. I feel this is the only place I speak about him besides with my son. I miss my husband ALL THE TIME. I think about him ALL THE TIME. It’s just so damn hard to keep going each day without him. I know I’m preaching to the choir here. It was hard today. I kept wishing I was at the hospital with him or that he was home with me. I keep wishing it was last year. “I wish it was last year” repeats over and over in my head like a mantra. 

[KayC]

@foreverhis  I am so glad you have a good group of ladies too.  When we last met there were seven of us that day and all but one were widowed.  It's nice to have those that get it, you don't even have to voice it, they understand.

In ten days will be 15 years since my husband's "first death."  You see, he had a heart attack that the heart surgeon later told us killed him (he was driving so he went off the road and totaled his new car).  The airbag going off gave the thrust to his chest that restarted his heart, giving him six months to the day more to live.  We didn't know that at the time, he thought it was his diabetes that put him out and was puzzled by it because usually you can feel your blood sugar dropping and he didn't, plus he's taken his blood sugar before starting to drive home and he'd eaten.  His primary care doctor didn't refer him to be checked out.  When he had another heart attack, they told us his heart had been severely damaged in that first one.  I suppose I knew deep down he wouldn't live through surgery, but as it was, he didn't make it that far even.

I don't know why I'm telling you all about this, it just came pouring out.  Sometimes it all comes back like it was yesterday.  No matter whether we talk about it or not, it's there, on our minds.

[Rhonda R]

8 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I don’t really talk about my husband to many people. 1st, because it is still very painful and difficult to speak about him. Of course I bring him up in casual conversation all the time, “yes the 9ers are doing great this season, they’re my husband’s team” or “you’re going snowboarding? My husband loves snowboarding.” But I don’t go into depth about my husband unless I am asked deep questions directly. I feel this is only the only place I speak about him besides with my son. I miss my husband ALL THE TIME. I think about him ALL THE TIME. It’s just so damn hard to keep going each day without him. I know I’m preaching to the choir here. It was hard today. I kept wishing I was at the hospital with him or that he was home with me. I keep wishing it was last year. “I wish it was last year” repeats over and over in my head like a mantra. 

I remember being where you are.  Running into people or meeting people who would ask about my husband and I would have to tell them he had died.  It was so painful for me and awkward for them. It's a really, really tough situation.  I still talk about my husband in the present too....because he is still so present for me everyday.  That's confusing to people who don't get it but, I don't care. My love for him didn't die, he did.  It's okay to not go into depth if you don't want to.  The only people who need to know that your husband died are the people you want to tell.  We understand your feelings.  I too miss my husband with every breath.  I too wish he was still with me.  I wish he was still healthy and happy and we were living our old life.  I get it.  We all understand what you are feeling to some extent. Grief is such an individual thing.  Maybe that's another thing that makes it feel so lonely.   It is so damn hard.   

[Rhonda R]

If only, I could do things over.  I would do some things different.  Some things exactly the same.  I would worry less and savor every single second.  I told him how much I loved him every day.  Sometimes I would just be looking at him and without my saying anything he would look at me and say, "I love you too."  There are days I think to myself, he can't be gone,  I don't know how or want to live in a world without him. 

[Jttalways]

If we could, I think we would all do some things differently. There are a lot of things I would do differently. But the main 2, pushing him to get the BMT when he could have, and staying with him or at least have given him a hug and kiss while he was conscious the day before he died. These 2 things will haunt and torment me forever. I’ve been having a really hard time these past few days. I had mentioned in a different post how you suffer twice if your spouse was battling a serious illness before they passed away. I was sad the whole time watching him suffer while his health deteriorated. I’m going on 2 years of mental anguish, sadness and depression. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am so sick of being heartbroken. Yet there is nothing I can do about it.

[Rhonda R]

When you watch the love of your life suffer, you just pray for the suffering to end.  You can't stand to see them like that.  Then, the moment their suffering ends, yours begins on a whole different plane.  There are memories that, no matter how long I live, are going to make my heart crumble.  I've been struggling internally, checking out and staring into space, remembering a time or a place from his illness.  Reliving decisions and moments.  Looking through old pictures.  I didn't realize how much he had changed the last couple months.  To me, he was still the handsome man I married.  To outsiders, I can imagine their shock at not seeing him for a couple months and then seeing him.  So many painful, painful memories lately.  I just feel so weighed down.  Every time I get up to walk somewhere, it's like there is this 30 pound weight on my chest. 

Last week, my brother in law got a clean scan after chemo for his colon cancer.  He's a great guy and I'm happy for him.  His daughters have been on Facebook thanking God for answering their prayers.  It's like a knife in my chest.  If their prayers were answered, why weren't mine answered?  Why wasn't my Randy worthy of Gods love and healing?  It's not the fact that he got a good scan, I'm happy for him.  It's the part where they rejoice in his scan as if they were chosen by God to receive special blessings.  If that's true, that means that Randy and I, and so many others were not worthy of God's blessing?  If I hear one more person tell me that God must have needed him for something, I might scream.   

I am also sick and tired of being heartbroken as well.  I'm sad that Randy's death took from me some of the childhood beliefs that I still had, that people can live happily ever after and that miracles do still happen.  I don't believe any of that anymore.  I believe people live and people die and there is no rhyme or reason to it. 

[jacqisonteam213]

@Rhonda R i get that . i did it 3 times in my life (my great grandma (pneumonia) , my friends dad (als) , and Ian) , and am going through it right now with my poppop ( dementia and Parkinson's ) 

 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

If their prayers were answered, why weren't mine answered?  Why wasn't my Randy worthy of Gods love and healing?  It's not the fact that he got a good scan, I'm happy for him.  It's the part where they rejoice in his scan as if they were chosen by God to receive special blessings.  If that's true, that means that Randy and I, and so many others were not worthy of God's blessing?  If I hear one more person tell me that God must have needed him for something, I might scream.   

Yes, this bugs me as well.  As if my love somehow wasn't good enough (he was) or worthy (he was) or deserving of that miracle (he was).  As if we didn't deserve more time together (we did).  Though we left organized religion a long time ago, we never lost our universal faith that good would ultimately prevail.  Now?  I have to hang onto the faith that he will be waiting for me when my time comes and that he will have forgiven me my faults and failings, that he will still be my love forever.  If I don't keep that much hope, then none of my now matters at all.  But some days it seems pretty darn hopeless and pointless because if there is a higher power out there, then He (or She) has some explaining to do!

My mom made an interesting point while she was coming to terms with her pancreatic cancer a decade ago:  Why does everyone talk about someone "losing the fight with cancer"?  Does that mean the chemo didn't work because I didn't fight hard enough and if only I'd been more positive, stronger, and worthy then I wouldn't be dying? 

Fortunately, I haven't gotten too many platitudes regarding fate and faith.  Yeah, I'd be tempted not to just scream, but punch someone--and I am not a violent person.

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

There are memories that, no matter how long I live, are going to make my heart crumble.  I've been struggling internally, checking out and staring into space, remembering a time or a place from his illness.  Reliving decisions and moments.  Looking through old pictures.  I didn't realize how much he had changed the last couple months.  To me, he was still the handsome man I married.  To outsiders, I can imagine their shock at not seeing him for a couple months and then seeing him.  So many painful, painful memories lately.

I wonder if it has to do with the time of year?  I don't just mean the holidays because, while we had traditions we loved, we didn't make a big thing out of them either once our daughter moved away.  We always had Thanksgiving with family in the bay area and we always had the time after Christmas and through New Year's Day with family here.  But we didn't do tons of decorating or go caroling or attend more than a couple of parties after we moved.  So yes, the holidays themselves are a bit stressful, but I mean the actual time of year is hard for me.  The cold days and nights; the soggy rain and biting wind; only having 9 hours of daylight.  I've never enjoyed winter, never.  You can probably guess that living in snow country is a non-starter for me.  I am not minimizing the difficulties for all of you who have to deal with snow shovels, salting the walks, losing power in freezing temperatures, etc.  I'm just smart enough to know that my health doesn't even allow me to visit the snow any more, much less live with it day to day.

Lately, I've been feeling just how you describe.  I've been crying a lot more than I was even 4 months ago.  I guess I kind of wallow at times in all the painful memories and "What if...?" or "Why did/didn't I...?"  I can't believe it's possible to miss someone as much as I miss my love.  You lost your Randy just 3 weeks before I lost my love.  I wonder if coming up on 18 months has something to do with it.  Maybe part of it is that the enormous weight of "the future" is just now settling into my heart.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I feel as if I've taken a few big steps backward lately.  And I'm actually okay admitting it to others.  I no longer feel I have to "justify" myself to anyone.

It's interesting you mention that in your eyes, Randy was the same handsome man you married.  My husband and I had actually talked about that even before he got sick.  We'd look at pictures from decades ago and smile.  We'd say how although we notice our own aging, we see in each other the same person we fell in love with.  I'd look at my face and body and wonder how he could still think me desirable, but he always did.  No matter what, we saw each other through loving eyes, not blind to the changes, but simply seeing the one person who mattered above all others. 

One of the most painful things for me was when our girls visited less than 2 weeks before he died.  He was in the hospital then and asked if I thought our granddaughter was afraid seeing him because he had changed so much.  I was able to tell him no because I asked our daughter, who asked our granddaughter flat out.  Her reply?  "Of course not.  He's my grandpa!  I love him."  She was 9 years old at the time and stunned us with her understanding that it didn't matter how he looked, he was still just "the best grandpa ever" in her heart and eyes.  She actually seemed a bit miffed that we'd even ask.  Amazing how a child can cut through everything with no pretense and simply see the people she loves.

 

[Rhonda R]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

You lost your Randy just 3 weeks before I lost my love.  I wonder if coming up on 18 months has something to do with it.

Maybe it's the timing because I am going through exactly what you are.  I no longer try to hide my grief.  I'm sad, devastated and miss my husband and I'm not hiding it anymore.  I'm wallowing away.  Trying to change the past with my thoughts and feelings even though I know I can't.  I look at pictures of my husband or read a card or funny note he left me and I ache for him so bad.  Maybe the reality of it all is just settling in.  I can't concentrate on anything to save my soul.  You are right, it does feel like steps backward.  I'm not sure what is bringing it on? 

[Gail 8588]

I too have been very depressed for the past several weeks. Perhaps it is the shorter, grayer, colder days.  

This is my third holiday season without John.  It seems to be my most difficult one yet.

I feel like I have to find some new way forward because I cannot survive feeling like I do.

The long nights are the worst for me.  It is 10 minutes before 4 AM. I can't sleep, I can barely breathe. 

Peace

Gail

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I can imagine their shock at not seeing him for a couple months and then seeing him.

That's how it was when my son saw Arlie at the end of his life, the cancer had very apparent effects on him, his fur, everything.  It was shocking to him.

20 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

When you watch the love of your life suffer, you just pray for the suffering to end.  You can't stand to see them like that.  Then, the moment their suffering ends, yours begins on a whole different plane.

Yes. 

20 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Why wasn't my Randy worthy of Gods love and healing?

I know...I was praying for my George when he died.  I don't get why some get to be healed and others don't...why some live long lives and my George barely made 51.  I think people are quick to attribute God's blessing when it turns out how they wanted, but maybe it's all just random luck, I don't know.

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Why does everyone talk about someone "losing the fight with cancer"?

I really hate the cliches people say.  They don't stop and think how it could be taken, how it affects us.

foreverhis, your granddaughter's response was so sweet!

My son brought me a puppy last night...I slept two hours.  He is a tiny baby, I'm so nervous about how I'm going to leave him to go to the doctor, etc.  He bonded with my son.  I have a long road ahead of me.  My sister said to keep my eye on down the road, yes I have to remember that it was hard with Arlie the first year but he turned out to be the best dog ever.

18 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I'm not sure what is bringing it on?

Like you said, maybe reality setting in, any number of things can trigger us, it's just hard and I'm not sure it gets easier.  I mean we do adjust somewhat, but a huge amount of it we just have to live with, and getting used to it isn't much consolation.  Life is just changed.  We'll always miss them and the life we had.

[Gail 8588]

Kay, so glad you have a puppy.  I always say, puppyhood is 3 years of aggravation and amusement.  Then you get 8 years of joy with a best friend, followed by a period of calm decline.

My dog is 14 now, and in the declining years, but he has been my wonderful companion.  I sometimes think he is still with me because he thinks I am not strong enough to carry-on without him. 

Enjoy your new bundle of energy, curiosity and love. 

Gail 

[foreverhis]

On 12/11/2019 at 12:50 AM, Gail 8588 said:

The long nights are the worst for me.  It is 10 minutes before 4 AM. I can't sleep, I can barely breathe.

Oh boy do I know how that feels.  At least in summer we have the late evenings when everyone is out and about, grills are going, people are walking in the nature preserve, etc.  It's cool to cold most of the summer right here on the coast, but the days are long.  The sun comes up before 5 (not that I ever see it on purpose, mind you) and doesn't go down until nearly 9.  I've always been a creature of daylight and ocean and sand, and at least I still have those.  Well, not exactly because, contrary to popular belief, most of the CA coast has freaking cold surface waters, but I can see the ocean from our upstairs windows.  Our autumns are warm and sunny, so even though the days grow shorter and the nights colder, the change to good weather for a couple of months helps.

But these long cold nights are bleak and painful, as I know you know.  Just when I think I've made a step or two forward, I'm up at 3 am wondering how I'm going to survive the life I have now.  I know that only the members here truly understand that I'm not kidding when I say I still often feel as if I can barely breathe, especially at night in the dark alone.

I guess there is some comfort in knowing there are others here who "get it" in ways that no one else really can.  I'm sending you warm hugs to help see you through the cold nights.

[Jttalways]

After a week of depression, i guess my mind or body kicked into "survival" mode because I'm back to putting my husband on a shelf in my mind. I try to only think of him on the "surface" now. Which I guess is good because my heart palpitations have been acting up and also i went from occasionally drinking a few times a year to wanting to drink a few times a week. Taking things 1 day at a time is very true and literal.

@KayC I am so jealous you got a puppy! I wish i could get a puppy or kitten, but I rent an apartment and there is a strict no pet policy. I am looking forward to buying a place for the sole purpose of getting a pet lol. But I dont know when that will be because the cost of homes in Los Angeles are astronomical. 

[foreverhis]

On 12/11/2019 at 6:17 AM, KayC said:

My son brought me a puppy last night...I slept two hours.  He is a tiny baby, I'm so nervous about how I'm going to leave him to go to the doctor, etc.  He bonded with my son.  I have a long road ahead of me.  My sister said to keep my eye on down the road, yes I have to remember that it was hard with Arlie the first year but he turned out to be the best dog ever.

Kay, that's wonderful.  He will certainly keep you distracted for the foreseeable future.  For some reason, I'm reminded of something from the movie "Always."  Richard Dreyfus's character, Pete, is a firefighter pilot who dies and his soul (if you will) is sent back to help a young pilot learn and become secure in himself.  In the movie, they talk about inspiration, which is something my husband and I talked about more than once:  Those times when you shouldn't have been able to do something, but did.  When you almost feel a hand on your shoulder and a voice in your ear.  What sort of grace or divine intervention was there to help?

Now, you know I am 100% certain that animals, especially our companions, have souls.  So I'm imagining Arlie nudging your new puppy along in learning how to be not just a dog, but your companion in life.  This may sound weird, but as you also know, I no longer care about sounding weird or strange to others.

And think of it this way:  At least your sleepless nights will have some purpose now.  When you're up at 2 am dealing with a new puppy, you may feel Arlie nudging both of you to grow together and find love.

 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Jttalways said:

also i went from occasionally drinking a few times a year to wanting to drink a few times a week.

It's interesting you mention this.  I used to have a glass of wine a few nights a week and an occasional cocktail with friends.  These days, I usually have a small glass of wine or a small cocktail in the early evening, but just one.  There is no history of alcoholism in our family, but I am fearful of going down the slippery slope of self-medicating with too much alcohol.  So even if I think, "Well, another glass of wine won't hurt," I resist because I don't want to become the crazy drunk lady who lost her husband.  I probably wouldn't, but it's really not that hard to picture myself drinking too much to try to numb the pain.

[Rhonda R]

3 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I don't want to become the crazy drunk lady who lost her husband.  I probably wouldn't, but it's really not that hard to picture myself drinking too much to try to numb the pain.

If I thought it would work, I would do it.  The problem is, it won't.  30 years in this business has proven to me that alcohol is a depressant and only adds to your problems.  I do however, have a glass of wine or a couple beers here and there.  Everything in moderation.  I don't want to be that drunk lady, sitting in the snow bank, in her housecoat and slippers, with a bottle of wine, crying over her husband again.  That's probably what would happen if I got drunk so I guess I will just spare my wonderful neighbors. 

Congratulations on your new puppy Kay.  I know it's hard to believe that you could ever love anything as much as Arlie.  I've had a number of cats in my life, and although one of them stands out more than the rest, I've loved them all.  Arlie will probably always stand out in your heart and mind, she was with you through the toughest time in your life.  That's understandable. 

[Jttalways]

My family likes to drink. After my husband passed, they came over every day for a week. They would drink, but I didnt because i was TERRIFIED to. I didnt want to go down that hole and not be able to pull myself out. I've drank since, but I managed to keep a light buzz. I already know that if I actually become drunk, i might open some flood gates that i wont be able to close. 

[Rhonda R]

My husband and I loved to go to happy hour.  We would go once a week on a "date" night.  Maybe that's why I don't drink that much, too many painful memories.  A beer just doesn't taste that good without him.  Happy hour isn't that fun anymore.  I've tried going with my friends but it's just...not the same.  Nothing is.  You were smart not to go down that hole or open those flood gates. 

I went back on Smartpatients today and found out another member of the Renal Cell Carcinoma group has died.  She was young and had two tween sons.  Her funeral is going to be December 20th, right before Christmas.  Another widow.  More kids without their parent.  Siblings without their sister.  Friends without their friend.  People with the same type of cancer reminded just how serious their situation is.  Christmas over shadowed for the rest of their lives.  The ripple effect is amazing and literally happens almost every day. 

[Gail 8588]

I find it very interesting how several people had the fear that they might go down the path of excessive drinking after their loss.  I don't drink at all, but I had a similar fear, that I might become one of those hoarding buried alive people. Living in a house full of trash and keepsakes piled to the ceiling until the house is condemned by the city.  I felt a lot of anxiety about this.

I think grief somehow spawns these somewhat irrational, but somewhat plausible fears in the grieving person.  Because I don't drink, my brain had to search around for an alternative self-destructive outlet.

I feel like much of the time since my husband died I have been plagued with irrational fears. I still am.  It is another "twilight zone" aspect navigating through grief.

Gail

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

So I'm imagining Arlie nudging your new puppy along in learning how to be not just a dog, but your companion in life.  This may sound weird, but as you also know, I no longer care about sounding weird or strange to others.

I told a friend I asked Arlie to help me find the right dog...she chided me and said I should pray to Jesus, not a dog.  I'm not exactly "praying" to him, just talking to him...I don't think she understands about losing someone and how it is...she still has her husband and her dog.

I felt I got confirmation...
1) Kodie was born on my birthday.  What's the odds of that? (1 in 365)\

2) His name...when I first saw a picture of him, the name Kodie popped into my mind (okay, I would have spelled it different)...my son said the breeder had named him Kobie (I hadn't known any of this at the time) and when my son had the tag made, he accidentally typed Kodie...when I told him that was the name that popped into my head when I first saw his picture, we both felt like that was more than coincidental, like it was meant to be.

Arlie will always be my "dog of a lifetime," there's no doubt in my mind, "the one," but that doesn't mean I can't love another.  I've loved all my dogs, but not the same as Arlie.  Little Kodie is very different from Arlie, he's more mellow and cuddly and being little, easier to hold.  My preference has always been big dogs, but in my old age it's not realistic for me to have a big dog and this one will take me into my 80s.  I haven't seen him smile yet but he is adorable, maybe as he grows he'll smile too, I hope so.  He has his ways of letting you know he's happy, his wiggly tail, his kisses, his exhuberance.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I don't want to become the crazy drunk lady who lost her husband.

I understand, another reason I don't drink.  I'm not opposed to an occasional drink, but I am protective of my liver, plus I have Diabetes so that's another consideration.  I also realize that while a drink can relax you, it's a depressant, something a griever doesn't need more of.  

I took a medical survey yesterday, they do about one a year, it hit me some of the questions they ask, it really made me stop and think about things...they asked about suicidal thoughts, feelings of loneliness, among other things.  Some of their questions about my physical capabilities made me realize how blessed I am to be doing as well as I am.  There's a lot of people my age that need help with dressing, household chores, etc.  I'm lucky I'm able to be so independent.

 

[Jttalways]

On 12/12/2019 at 2:21 PM, Rhonda R said:

The ripple effect is amazing and literally happens almost every day. 

Every time i'm wallowing in my grief, I think of this and it brings me some comfort. That there are miliions of people out there who have lost or are losing a loved. Even though I feel completely alone sometimes, there is someone out there grieving and dealing with the same pain. The same reason I come to this site. It brings me comfort knowing that I'm not the only one who lost a husband and is missing him terribly. It also helps to count my blessings and remember that I have a good job, a good son, and my health. I feel for those that lose a spouse and then they are financially f*@ked.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I also realize that while a drink can relax you, it's a depressant, something a griever doesn't need more of.  

Exactly.  Sometimes people don't realize that.  So while one glass of wine or a small cocktail is enjoyable and relaxing, as a friend of mine put it, the second or third is never as good; they just get you drunk while you chase that "Ahh..." feeling from the first.  I've never been one to drink just to drink, so what I have is a small amount of the best I can afford.

When I was visiting family over Thanksgiving and saying "Yes, please" to a second glass of wine most evenings, I realized exactly why I don't do that at home.  It wasn't even a conscious thing.  Plus, I don't like the feeling of having too much to drink.  I've been truly drunk a few times in my life (in my 20s and early 30s) and the result was never good.  I don't like hangovers; I don't like feeling like I might throw up; I don't like losing the entire next day dehydrated, with a headache, and thinking, "Why did I do that?"  And bless my husband, he didn't get angry with me the couple of times I did that after we married.

I'd rather have less and then switch to club soda with lime because I know I won't regret it the next day.  Although they are out of fashion, my best friend and I are still wine spritzer girls in the summer because we can have two of those, stay hydrated, and enjoy ourselves without getting sick. (Not those horrid pre-made spritzers; we make them ourselves with home made seltzer and wine we'd drink anyway.)

On top of that, my husband didn't drink at all.  He had enjoyed a good beer or small bourbon in his 20s and early 30s, but he often had intestinal problems.  He went to the doctor and had some testing.  It turns out that a small percentage of the population has the same reaction to the enzymes in alcohol as celiac patients have to gluten.  These enzymes don't get cooked out, so I could never even cook with alcohol because of it.  It simply wasn't worth it to him to have a drink because he knew he'd be sick for 2 days.  We have friends who are vintners and when we'd go to winery events my love was always a willing DD.  He went for the company and food, never minding that the rest of us were enjoying a couple of glasses of wine along the way.

Funny how so many of us worry about going down a self-destructive path, even though it could be seen as irrational.  I've never in my life worried about becoming a heavy drinker, but my brain still put that worry in there somewhere.  Strange.  Then again, I so often feel like a stranger in my own life that I guess it's not entirely surprising.

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

I told a friend I asked Arlie to help me find the right dog...she chided me and said I should pray to Jesus, not a dog.  I'm not exactly "praying" to him, just talking to him...I don't think she understands about losing someone and how it is...she still has her husband and her dog.

I guess your friend doesn't really get the difference between praying to and talking to in this case.  Well, how could she because she hasn't experienced your losses or your grief.  I never consider that I'm praying to my husband when I talk to him, which I do every day.  I'm just talking to his spirit, his soul, and maybe myself.  When I've prayed, it's been to a more universal higher power.

I am so happy to hear about the coincidences that led you to Kodie.  Maybe it was just happenstance, but I don't think so.  I think it far more likely that Arlie heard you and tried to lead you and the right puppy to each other.  Of course you will never have another Arlie.  My husband and I had our "once in a lifetime" dog in Charlie.  But that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't have a companion to love and who will love you.

[Moment2moment]

Yes to the original question. And I did actually run out of 2 workplaces and lost those jobs because of it. That was in 2018, right after she passed. I was in a state of shock and having panic attacks. I could barely stand up to go the  grocery store.

I used to post here a lot too. I had a lot of things to process and say. I had a therapist that facilitated that. Now I have no one to talk to except a friend on the phone out of state. With a few other people meaning 2 cousins and her sister, there is no one else that I talk to about anything other than the weather or my dogs with others in the apartment complex who have dogs.

I got but couldn't keep professional better paying jobs as a counselor. Dealing with others issues was too much for me. I could no longer be in that role with strangers. My cup is completely empty. So I deliver food part time on a gig app. I am barely surviving financially, but it gets me out of the house and interacting with people,  even if only in a superficial way. I take my one little dog with me on these rides and my 10 month old pup stays home in his crate while I go out for a few hours.

This is how I pass my time. I have no friends to do anything with except to maybe meet occasionally with my cousin or sister in law for lunch or golf with my 81 year old friend. It is enough for me. My main companions are my dogs.

I am very self conscious that I am now an outcast of sorts. I know that I cannot function in an 8 hour a day higher paying job. I cannot handle the stress and the constant intetachion with people. I can only handle self employment delivery jobs.  Also I haved loved delivering flowers for years and now food, so it suits me.

Reclusive? Definitely. Forever changed by grief. It has taken away my smile and my positive,  joyous outlook on life. It has taken away my health.

I have lost so much weight that I have hardly anything left to wear and I can't afford new clothes so thank God for Goodwill.

I have lost front teeth due to lack of money or dental insurance, so no smiling and self conscious talking. Absolutely wrecks self confidence and sets up further isolation from any thoughts of social interaction beyond a quick one.

I have lost my partner of 30 years, 8 dogs within the last 8 years, my home, multiple jobs, my looks, my teeth, my hair, numerous friends and family due to death or politics or poverty or shunning the bereaved me.

My 2nd year of grief has been worst than the first due to grinding poverty and health decline.

There are no kids or grandkids or friends or neighbors coming over. No one is inviting me to anything. 

I am not entirely unhappy about any of that because I am barely functioning mostly due to my diminished capacity for chat or relevance because I have become a "freak" of grief.

I don't know or trust myself anymore because I have lost my mind and my heart is forever crushed.

I am different from everyone around me and except for my dogs no one even acknowledges that I exist in my daily environment.

Who relates to someone like me? Not even here. I have become  invisible and so I hide because hiding insulates me from being shunned due to my being cloaked in a mantel of grief.

No one is going to ask how I am doing and really after 19 months I have come to accept that most people don't care. They don't get it won't get it until it happens to them. I get that and so best to keep it to myself.

So to cope I straddle the past and present and live as if she is still with me. I am a very spiritual person so it is not a stretch for me to exist in this very mindful openness to her being with me still. 

I talk to her, display her things, hear an inner voice from her, feel her presence.  If I am crazy psychotic, so be it.

End of ramble. There are no words that suffice. My mantra is "Where are you?" and my ultimate goal is to be together again with all our family and pets on the other side. When it is my time.

Until then there is chocolate and music and puppy kisses.

Thanks for listening...

Love to you all!

Lily Bell