I’m trying to be here

[Jd2019]

Hi all. I signed on here a month or two ago, not really posted anything. I have been reading a lot of others post on how they struggle and cope. I lost my wife over 3 months ago. Dealing with anxiety and depression since then. I’ll have decent days and then it will knock me off balance. I’m here because it seems the people around you just can’t relate to your pain. I want to talk to those close around me but I feel that all that would do is spread gossip around me and alienate others from being around me on how depressed i am. I hope the best for everyone here. I will try to post more. Thank you all

[Billie Rae]

jd2019,welcome,I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us,feel welcome to read,vent or share stories of your wife.I lost my husband January 16 to pancreatic cancer after a 3 month illness and he was so very sick.Most of us here have had the same experience of people not getting it or thinking we should just"get over it",most people don't mean to hurt us but they are uncomfortable with seeing it CAN happen to them if it happened to you,so we find we must meet new people who accept us for who we are now.We all have good and very bad days.Remember this is your grief and your time.There are people here in all different places in this journey and I have found hope and companionship here.
My love and sorrow to you
Billie

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[GrievingSoul]

@Jd2019 Welcome, and I parrot what @Billie Rae stated, I’m so sorry you ended up here with all of us. I just lost my love of 7 years almost 3 weeks ago to pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed with cancer in February, and he was gone a month later. I was in shock, and I too found myself surrounded by people who just “don’t get it.”  In fact, that was my very first post on this site was about. Personally, this site has been my saving grace as I’ve been inconsolable ever since my love’s funeral. And as you’ve mentioned before, unfortunately people who haven’t experienced the loss of a partner just aren’t emotionally available (or equipped for that matter) for the extent of compassion we require at a time like this. Fortunately, there’s people like us that are. People who have gone through it, or are GOING through it. We’re always hear to listen. It may sound odd, but reading about all of the great people that graced the Earth with their presence has been therapeutic to me. The people here are phenomenal, and I can almost feel their love radiating through my phone. I’m sending you all of the love and compassion I possibly can, and if no one else have told you today, we’re here for you and we understand what you’re going through. 

[SSC]

@Jd2019 I agree with the others, please come here often to read and post even if it’s just a short comment here or there.  This forum is essentially group therapy.  I attend a group therapy session with my therapist and I feel like this forum is an extension of that.  The beauty of the internet bringing like minded people together who understand and help each other in their grief.  I am 6 months into this difficult journey and this community has been a life saver for me.  Everyday I come here.  It’s a place to land, to feel like you belong, to know others understand and where you’re just able to attend to your grief.  We all need to acknowledge our grief and work with it until we are able to live with it.  It become part of us.

i just spent two days with my husbands parents at their home.  This was such a good experience for me.  His mother is grieving so much and we were able to talk and cry together.  We both love him unconditionally and we both could talk about him at length and not get irritated by it.  Nobody else wants to do that but it’s what our mind and souls need.  

[KayC]

@Jd2019  We welcome you to come here and post...this is a place where others get it as we've all been through it.  The grief journey is the rest of our lives but it is ever evolving.  I wrote this for newer grievers and hope something in it is helpful to you, they are considerations/suggestions, some for now, some for way down the road.  Everyone's path is unique.  The best advice I got was to take a day at a time.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[ccoflove]

Sorry you find yourself here, you are in good company of compassionate people who will not alienate you for being honest with where youre at. I read for a few months before posting, it was too hard to express my feelings but reading what others were experiencing and able to put into words did feel comforting. I think I will try group therapy through Hospice this month since being around others dealing with this pain helps to not feel so alone. Hope you will keep reaching out. 

[Jd2019]

 i just wanted to talk some. My wife died suddenly jan 1 2019. She had gotten sick a couple days before but on dec 31 she was feeling a little better. She had talked to my mom on the phone for 30 minutes that day. I spoke to her 7:30 that night. She was telling me some of the dreams she had been having, nothing unusual. I gave her some water and she went back to bed. My youngest daughter age 5 always wanted to sleep beside her so she did. I went to sleep around 9 on the couch. I woke the next morning and went to check on them, and yes my heart dropped. I knew she had been gone for hours. i hurried and rushed my daughter in to her room, our other daughter had spent the night at a friends. And called 911. i still tried to save her but i knew in my heart she was gone. My family(brothers and in laws) was at my home in minutes. There was nothing they could do. She was only 46 years old. And yes my wife was 41 when we had our youngest(this is another story in itself). Im 41 years old now. By law here, cause of her age, medical examiner did autopsy. Their findings was enlarged heart and left side wall thickened of the heart. Ever since she had our youngest she had been gaining weight. She did not want to work at the time so she can enjoy our daughter growing up since her sisters had to work and their husbands where out to sea(navy). She had seen their the struggles and time missed. So she had not work since she was 5 months pregnant. But over time of these years she had been gaining weight.She had healthy eating ideas all the time and a gym membership except she procrastinated all the time.Also she was starting to have obstructed sleep apnea.(she had started falling asleep whereever often). She was the most kind loving woman i ever met. I miss her alot! I got to go now. I want to tell my story so you guys can get a better grasp of my life.

[Jd2019]

Sorry having a young child keeps you busy. Here is a picture of my wife

[JES]

@Jd2019 I am also sorry that you lost your love..she is beautiful, and so young, how awful for all of you to being going through this sad journey.  My thoughts, sometimes we can eat healthy, exercise,  and our bodies still fail us,  we are just left with never really knowing if it could've changed the outcome, and always wondering " why them, just why?  My husband ( over 6 month loss) was a picture of health, ate healthy, exercised, and everything inside his body failed him.  I am glad you have come here to post..we all understand..and its a good place to share, talk, vent or get little bits of wisdom.  Most other people in our daily lives just don't understand what a toll this takes on us.  I didn't post for first 4 months but I did read from 2 wks. on, it helped me to know that what I was going through was normal for this situation,  which in turn, made me know I wasn't going crazy or having a breakdown.  I have now, probably told the members here, more of my life and feelings than anyone I know. And no one has judged, only showed compassion as they all "get it".  I hope you will continue to come here when you are able or find alittle time. Sending hugs.  Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@jd2019 Your wife is beautiful.I'm so sad that you must raise your children alone,but happy you have family close.May our love surround you
Love
Billie

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[KayC]

Your wife is incredibly beautiful!  I'm so sorry she died, so young, so unfair.  My husband had his 51st birthday five days before he died, also heart, he reached the hospital, was there for 2 1/2 days, then had another heart attack and died.  He was to have had surgery the next morning, I seriously doubt he would have lived through it, five blocked arteries, it's a wonder he'd lived as long as he did, he worked so hard physically.

I'm glad you have family close by.

[Jd2019]

Thank you guys. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. Only my side of family lives close to me. I’m just outside of Charlotte NC.My wife’s family lives across the sound from Seattle WA. Sorry I was meaning my brothers and their wives in the last post. Even though I have family close by,they are busy with their own lives. Most don’t want to hear about my negative bo bo’s. Cause I know they don’t want  to hear it over and over. And the only ones that can relate are the one who are and have gone through it.

[Pim]

What a beautiful woman your wife is. Such kind eyes. What a terrible shame that she was ripped out of this/your life the way she was. I don't comprehend life.
I am very sorry for you and your daughters.

[Jd2019]

 You know guys that my wife doesnt want to see me hurt! She was a devout Christian( not a pharisee) if i spelled it correctly. She would never ever want to see me hurt. And as a man, i am sure your husbands never ever want you to hurt. Maybe for a time being but not for too long., Cause as for me, if i was to pass before my wife, I would see her hurt and for too long she would hurt  me, i would hurt. For i would always be apart of her and she apart of me, for her happiness and love after me would please me. She is happy, then im happy. She loves then i would love! I would be happy for her. For you women, i would think you husbands would think, the same. Would you want to see your husbands hurt? Of course not! I want you women to know that i love you all! And as for your Husbands TOO! So if your able to Love again and they Love you please do so. So they can see you happy again!

[KayC]

My husband would not like seeing me hurt but he'd be the first to understand because he knows he would hurt if the situation were reversed.  We can't circumvent grief, much as we'd like to.

[Billie Rae]

 You know guys that my wife doesnt want to see me hurt! She was a devout Christian( not a pharisee) if i spelled it correctly. She would never ever want to see me hurt. And as a man, i am sure your husbands never ever want you to hurt. Maybe for a time being but not for too long., Cause as for me, if i was to pass before my wife, I would see her hurt and for too long she would hurt  me, i would hurt. For i would always be apart of her and she apart of me, for her happiness and love after me would please me. She is happy, then im happy. She loves then i would love! I would be happy for her. For you women, i would think you husbands would think, the same. Would you want to see your husbands hurt? Of course not! I want you women to know that i love you all! And as for your Husbands TOO! So if your able to Love again and they Love you please do so. So they can see you happy again!

My husband told me to grieve but not for to long,he told me he wanted me to live my best life and said he would be unhappy if I didn't,he even asked me to carry his ashes into my"new"life so he could see me happy.He also said I was to good of a person to be miserable.And this from a man who was never very emotional or who talked about things,he said all this when he realised he wouldn't live,three weeks before he left.

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[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, Pim said:

What a beautiful woman your wife is. Such kind eyes.

She is beautiful.  I also noticed her eyes right away.  There's something that radiates out from them that seems so comforting and loving with maybe a little impishness underneath.

@Jd2019  What a lovely woman.  I'm so very sorry you have to be here with us.  So young, so full of life.  You can just see in her face the joy she felt with you.  Did you take that picture?  If so, that partly explains why her face is so radiant.

My heart goes out to you and your family. 

[Jd2019]

I just wanted to apologize to all. I was by myself last night. And I had some drinks and I do not normally drink. So if I wrote something that may have offended or been insensitive that I want you to know I’m very sorry.

[JES]

@Jd2019  I didn't find anything you said offensive.  You were speaking from your heart and trying to be positive for all.  I think we all second guess after we post at times, at least I know I do..... keep posting, we're here for each other!  Sending you love.  Jeanne

[KayC]

Nothing offensive at all!

[Billie Rae]

No offense,just heart.
Love Billie

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[foreverhis]

I certainly wasn't offended.  You wrote what you felt.  You didn't insult or flame anyone.  (And if you mean because you wrote "you women," well, we are women, so that's not offensive to me.  You were speaking of how you would feel as a husband.)

Now, speaking as a woman and a wife:  Stop fretting about it and don't scold yourself.

[Jd2019]

Sorry i want to clarify my apology. I said i love you all and seeming force ot consider to love again. No intention. I dont like seeing you guys hurting so i said i love you all!   Thank all you guys for being understanding! Foreverhis, my wife and i use to take "selfies" and send it to each other! To me and her its all the little things we did like that, some would think it not a big deal. Its just Love.

[Billie Rae]

Stop apologizing,we get it and none of us took offense.And we do love each other.
Love
Billie

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[JES]

I agree with Billie Rae....we do all love each other...we're all friends.  If I have to say,  it gives me alittle comfort to know Im loved still by someone,  just in a different way.   Jeanne

[Jd2019]

You know, im not use to this social media stuff. My wife used it all the time like facebook, etc. Just know im thinking about you guys and your lives, creating a mental picture, etc. Hoping for the best for all!

[JES]

@Jd2019  I'm also not used to the social media stuff, never been on Facebook,  this was actually first time on "any" forum so I understand how you feel.....and sometimes I reread what I wrote...and am unsure if I said things right.  You sound like a very loving, caring person, and hurting like all of us.  Kudos to you for reaching out and being able to express your feelings, vent, and share.  Sending love and hugs to all.

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Jd2019 said:

Foreverhis, my wife and i use to take "selfies" and send it to each other! To me and her its all the little things we did like that, some would think it not a big deal. Its just Love.

It is the little things that matter.  My husband and I had so many small gestures, words, and looks just between us, almost like our own language.  Your last three words say it all.

We were so lucky to have found that one person who was our soulmate.  I suppose that's one reason we feel so shattered now.   

[KayC]

I prefer this to Facebook as much of it is trivia but still it's a tool that has a purpose if you can waft through it...here it's more focalized and meaningful and we're connecting on a different level, we cut to the chase and it's felt intimately because of the nature of discussion.  My son goes to how to forums all the time, it doesn't have the emotional connection but serves a purpose.

[SSC]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It is the little things that matter.  My husband and I had so many small gestures, words, and looks just between us, almost like our own language.  Your last three words say it all.

We were so lucky to have found that one person who was our soulmate.  I suppose that's one reason we feel so shattered now.   

It’s just love.

my sentiments exactly.  All of this, our love language, the looks across the store when we’d see each other, our funny inside jokes, sleeping next to each other, always knowing you were excepted 100%... that can never be replaced nor do I want it to.  

My life is shattered. I miss him so much!

[Jd2019]

I could write a novel about my life. But I want to make it short and quick to the point. I am no stranger to loss and heartache. As I have mentioned I had loved before my wife. I was married before, we married very young. We loss our first born son at birth, We have two children together. My father died in Jan 06, this wife was having a affair on me 8 months later and she was in love. We divorced, Custody battle in court, I won custody she got kicked out of home. He dumped her very short time later.  I meet my True wife on a Christian dating website, she lived on the other side of Seattle and I lived near Charlotte, she moved in with me, we married. Doctors told her in her 20s that she could not have children. She accepted my daughters as her own. She got pregnant at 40. So we only had one child together and her name is Faith. So I have two kids living with me. Faith and my middle child. My oldest moved out around 4 years ago. She and my wife bumped heads could not get along( you know how teenagers are).  And now my wife is passed on.  If I had the choice of being born in this world, and had a glimpse of it I would had ran in the other direction as fast as I can. So, yea I been put through the ringer. 

[JES]

@Jd2019  Thankyou for sharing this.  I am so, so sorry you lost your son. I can't imagine that pain.  Im sad that your 1st wife cheated on you, and so soon after your fathers loss.....just one sorrow after another for you...and then to meet your beautiful wife, have a miracle child, and lose her too......you are so young for you to have had so much tragedy in your life.  Im sure your "true" wife showed you what real love is, even though for short time. You will never forget her and your love for each other.  You have your little Faith and your other daughters ( they were a blessing) even though the marriage wasn't,  life has so many twists and turns sometimes we think we'd do it different if we wouldve known but would we really? Probably not.   I too had a first marriage, and I stayed longer than I should have, but I wouldnt change that past as I have my three wonderful children with him. Kevin and I met later in life, no children together.  I fully believe God has a plan for all of us,  we just don't know what or why he gives so much extra sorrow to one than someone else.  I hope you still have faith in him,  an mabbe someday you will know why...he seems to still have a plan for you...and I believe for myself and others left behind.  Keep holding out hope, its helps us get thru each day. Hug your children tight and let them know how much you love them, ( even though those teenage years are treacherous).  Sending prayers and love for you all.  Jeanne

[KayC]

I've been married four times, George was the only one that loved me.  It struck me as ironic as I finally had love, I had it all, only to lose it to death?  Irony.  
Abuser 1) cheated/beat on me continuously, I barely escaped with my life after six years of hell.  He beat my baby out of me.  He had a child while we were married, which I raised for three years.

Spouse 2) married 23 years, he was hard, cold, emotionally dead but we had two kids together...oh and I lost two others.  Divorced when my kids were teens.  His "image" was all important, so I told him he could have custody of our church, I wanted the kids.  He got all our friends with it.

Husband 3) married the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend.  We lived life to the fullest and enjoyed ever moment together...as the social security office coldly told me, our married "ended in death."  I cried buckets after she said that.

Con artist 4) tried again but this one turned out to be a con, never lived with me, used my credit to the tune of $57,000, lived with two other women during our marriage, one stole my identity and was in the EK.  I couldn't divorce him fast enough!  Wish I could have gotten an annulment as it was never a marriage, it was a sham put on by a con artist.

I don't date, is it any wonder?  I choose to cherish the memories with the one husband who truly loved me, and I him.  I was lucky to have that.  He was also the best stepfather to my kids, my daughter was already on her own when we married but he'd come to her rescue time and again, fixing her car or replacing a window in her apt so she wouldn't get charged for it (she had a burglar), coming to her rescue when her "friend" stole everything she owned.  He was also a friend to my son and we enjoyed every moment we got together.

I think it was foreverhis in another thread talking about the weekends and seeing all these other couples together, why couldn't that have been us?  Why were we singled out to not be able to have our old age together?  I'm happy for those other couples but why, luck of the draw, couldn't it have been ours?

[Billie Rae]

Lord,we all have been through so much,is it any wonder we just want peace in our lives.
I was a wild girl,4 husbands,truck driver,Alaska fishing and I thought now was time to settle in to a quiet no more drama lifeand it ended in the worst drama ever.I thought at this stage of life I would be happily living with my husband and traveling in our rv and now I'm starting life over again at my age.Sometimes I feel resentful and angry or just sad.Then some days I feel hope,a little light of hope.

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[JES]

I guess we just don't know sometimes how much others have gone through. I thought my 1st marriage was so bad, but it doesn't compare to what others have went thru. Yet, we are all still here, just shows how resilient our bodies can be, and how we can heal.  Even thru our loss now, we can still have hope for the future.  Thinking of you all.  Jeanne

[KayC]

I've learned not to resent the things I've gone through in my life for it is what has shaped and molded me into who I am.  We all have unique journeys that land us where we are.

[JES]

@KayC  Ive also chose to not be resentful..and I went on to forgive my ex.  I am thankyou I did as we had many shared events of the children together and it was not uncomfortable for anyone.  We actually would talk on phone off and on,  when our adult children had problems or car issues, etc.  He never remarried, and actually quit drinking,  but the damage had been done and I had moved on.  When he passed away, I had no regrets, I was sad, but yet at peace knowing we had remained friends.

 

 

[Jd2019]

I also get along with my ex now days, I don’t love or hate her, she’s like a everyday person just the mom of my older kids. In the beginning when we divorcing , we both ran each other’s name through the mud. But my kids through the years had seen many of her boyfriends come and go. When their is a divorce, we try to identify what went wrong. My wife says it’s just who she is. She cheats on her boyfriends or get tired of them. Don’t want to say that like I hate her just trying to be more in depth with the understanding. I’m a great guy by the world standards. Just tired of bad things happening. Some never had to go through such hardships till late in life. I know I need to be more positive, I get down in the dumps sometimes now. Grieving, depression, emotions all over the place

[JES]

@Jd2019  Its always better for the kids when divorced parents can get along,  of course its usually not there in the beginning when going thru custody, divorce itself.  Seems to take time to get over the anger feelings, and some never do.  Where your emotions are at, the depression, the grief is very normal, this is a long process, I dont think any of us had a clue what we were going to go thru.  Ive been thru parents death,  cousins, friends,  none of them were like this. Never a child though, I cant begin to imagine how hard that is.  I started to notice little by little it has gotten easier, those first 4 months were worst for me...each person is different though.  I have up and down days still...but more tolerable and I have hope, I can smile, sometimes laugh,  am adjusting to being alone, and by reading others farther along, my future doesnt look so bleak. I really hope it will happen for you do. I believe you are a great guy also. Hang in there...keep letting us know how its going!  Hugs!! Jeanne

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Jd2019 said:

I know I need to be more positive, I get down in the dumps sometimes now. Grieving, depression, emotions all over the place

You will feel more positive with time, it's understandable your emotions are all over the place, gosh I couldn't even think straight in those early days/months!

[Jd2019]

Yes going through loss is tough. I don’t want to seem shallow hearted but we found out later in her pregnancy that our child’s condition would be fatal after birth. There was no memories or attachments as if losing a child of many years. It was easy to get over my first wife even though it hurt bad in the beginning, she did me wrong. I admit that losing my wife is the most devastating I’ve gone through, your best friend, companion,lover,etc. I could not have related to you guys if I still had my wife. 

[Jd2019]

I just wanted to add, that I know it’s different for a woman and loss of pregnancy and loss of child birth. I know she carried child and bonded.

[foreverhis]

On 4/15/2019 at 3:42 PM, Jd2019 said:

My oldest moved out around 4 years ago. She and my wife bumped heads could not get along( you know how teenagers are).

Yes, all teenagers are a challenge.  I remember our daughter's teen years and am very glad they are in the past.  And, like most moms, I chuckle in the back of my mind every time our daughter calls because our granddaughter is "driving me crazy."  I say, "Just wait until the teen years.  He-he-he."

Something occurs to me that you might want to put in the back of your mind.  A friend of mine was a step-mom.  She and her step-daughter had a difficult, to put it mildly, relationship through those teen years.  But years later, they became as close and loving as any mom and daughter.

I mention this because there may come a time down the road when your oldest has matured that she regrets not having a chance to make it right with her step-mom.  She may look back and realize that her step-mom really did want the best for her and loved her no matter what.  Your daughter may need your help to grieve then if that happens.  You may need to help her through a difficult and perhaps unexpected process.

[Jd2019]

Well I haven’t figured out yet how to do a direct reply. Forever his, my oldest daughter and my wife made amends but they just could not live together. It’s hard when a child gets old enough to choose which parent to live with( hard to make them mind) , they bumped heads when I wasn’t around like working or whatever. So she went to live with her mom. Oldest daughter comes over every other weekend and stays.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Jd2019 said:

Forever his, my oldest daughter and my wife made amends but they just could not live together.

I'm glad they made amends.  Sometimes we can like or love another person and simply not be able to live with them.  Understandable.  My mother and I loved each other, but we knew 100% that we could not have lived in the same house after my dad died.  It would have been a recipe for disaster (or murder).  She told my husband, "I am not going to do that to you or my daughter.  I want us all to still like each other at the end of the day.  And I want my independence."  So my husband and I lived close enough to be there for her, but that little 5 minute drive/15 minute walk gave us the separation we needed.

To direct a post to a specific member type @ followed by the member's screen name like this:  @Jd2019   A list will come up with member names that match, select that member's name and it will highlight in blue.  Then you can just write your message.

To quote only part of a post, select the text you want to copy.  A little box pops up underneath that says "Quote selection."  Click on that and your highlighted text will drop into a reply box.  Like this:

5 hours ago, Jd2019 said:

Well I haven’t figured out yet how to do a direct reply.

You can do that with as many partial posts as you want and each one will drop into your open reply.  Or you can post them individually and start new replies each time.

I hope that helps.  It's not always intuitive.  I learned by thrashing around (as my hubby used to call it) through trial and error.

 

I'm very glad that your daughter visits you and her sisters.  I'm sure it's good for all of you.

[Jd2019]

I am very thankful for this website it has allowed me to talk as a free spirit. I am thankful for all you guys, even though we are all shattered, I want you to know that I consider you guys as great friends that I will never forget. Im sorry that I don’t post on some of your comments, I fell you ladies are doing a great job as you communicate with each other. Even though I’m a younger man, I just want you all to know that I am listening(reading). Again thank you!

[KayC]

On 4/15/2019 at 3:42 PM, Jd2019 said:

My oldest moved out around 4 years ago. She and my wife bumped heads could not get along( you know how teenagers are).

I've heard it said that this is the natural course of things...to make our adjustment of them leaving home easier for us to adjust to.   It wasn't that way with my kids, I was close to them both and got along with them both, it seems a bigger adjustment when the youngest leaves as then we're alone but perhaps we're more ready for that too.  My son got out of the Air Force after George died and so was here off and on for a while before college and figuring out what he wanted to do.  Now he has a family and lives 2 1/2 hours away and I know he'll never bounce back here and I knew I'd miss that, miss our staying up and talking, me heating up some dinner for him at the end of his day.  I told him last night to let me know when it's a good time for me to visit...I want to get a dog sitter and spend the night...his wife will retire early and leave us to our talking.  Ahh, with kids it goes way too fast.  He was just born and now he's grown with his own family.  He's 35 and my daughter nearly 37.  Such are the seasons of life!

[JES]

@Jd2019  How are you and the girls doing?  Sometimes is hard to write but know we are here for you, snd thinking about you. We care about each other, it gives us someone who understands how tough this is...and I think we worry how each other is doing...thinking of you and your children and sending love to all. Jeanne

[Jd2019]

@JES hi Jeanne , We are doing good. Yes still battling depression and loneliness but I’m staying occupied doing better than I have been in the past weeks- months. I’ve been remodeling our home starting with kids rooms. Got one done about to start on faiths. Ive been reading you guys post often. I myself had not touched anything of my wife cloths,etc. I don’t even sleep in there( I sleep on the couch) not scared or nothing just too painful right now. I got to have something to look forward to. Anything at all keeps me busy. Kids had a great Easter. Hoping for all!

[KayC]

Jd2019 You're not alone, I've slept in a recliner for years, can't get rid of the bed but it's just a reminder that his side is too empty.  Good luck with your remodeling jobs!