Just so darn angry

[KayC]

It's funny what a small world this is.  My little sister saw a friend of mine on FB and wondered how I knew her, her partner is one of my son's best friends and he grew up here, this is where they live, anyway, turns out her aunt is a close friend of my sister's!  And they live clear across Oregon.  And at my grandson's birthday party, was a pastor & wife that my little sister was close friends with, they're also friends with my DIL, none of whom live near each other...he's also a friend of my pastor.  The world seems to shrink the older we get!

[foreverhis]

On 3/30/2019 at 10:53 AM, KayC said:

The world seems to shrink the older we get!

It does.  Several years ago my husband and I wanted to find a new dentist.  My mom had just switched to her best friend's guy.  She said, "He's good and his number one hygenist is Wendy."  I asked, "Wendy who?"  "Your friend Wendy from church and the youth group when you were growing up (in the bay area).  Oh, and she also plays with the bell choir I'm in at church."  It was wild.  I made our appointments and asked the receptionists to add an extra 10 minutes or so.  She asked why, so I told her I was friends with Wendy growing up.  Sure enough, when I went in with my hubby to re-meet Wendy, it took us about 15 minutes to settle down to the business at hand.  She's as fun and sweet as she always was, and she really is an absolutely excellent hygenist.  Small world for sure.

[KayC]

My dental assistant used to work with my daughter at McDonald's when they were teenagers.  Yes, small world indeed!

[JulieY]

I'm back and feeling pretty good tonight, even though I have only slept about 7 hours in the last 48.  I had a very nice time over my birthday weekend, including a carrot cake with 5 candles on one side and 2 on the other....didn't want to set the house on fire after all!  I'm also feeling much better.  It was so nice and warm where my aunt lives.  I spent every evening sitting out on her patio, watching the sunset over the water.  Beautiful!  I think the nice, warm weather dried out the congestion.  I FINALLY am not coughing and sniffling anymore after well over a month -- YAY!!!  I got hugs and love and good vibes from my family which really, really helped my mindset.

Today, I bought some new gardening tools.  Allergies or no, I have got to get my yard under control this weekend.  I certainly can't afford to pay someone else to do it and my back yard looks like a jungle!!!  And I still haven't visited the new church yet, mostly because I accidentally got a really, really bad haircut.  I look like I just got out of a concentration camp.  I'm embarrassed.  That's what happens when they ask me to take my glasses off and I can't see I guess!!  It probably doesn't help that I went to the cheapest place in town.  It'll grow out enough in a few weeks I imagine.

These things (yard work, car maintenance, etc) are not my forte but since I don't see a line of volunteers, I guess I'll have to figure it out.  I'm less angry today, mostly because I feel so good.  Isn't it funny how you 'forget' how good you can feel when you're not sick?  I thank God that I actually think I see the tunnel today, even if I can't see the light yet.  I really really need to go to the new church this coming Sunday....it's important to me and I can't keep spending the entire weekend in my bedroom.  I'm hopeful I'll be ready...and feeling as positive as I do right now...

[KayC]

I'm glad you're feeling better, Julie!  Don't worry, your hair will grow back in no time.  A few years ago when I was out of work and couldn't afford a haircut, I tried doing it myself.  Never again!  I remember going for an interview looking like that and did not get the job, LOL!  I wish hats were back in style sometimes.

[Billie Rae]

Julie,I'm so happy you had a good birthday and are feeling better.The warm sunshine really helps doesn't it?Its nice to get away for a bit and to have people who love you take care of you for a bit.In grief it's important to find things that help with stress.
Love to you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JulieY]

And just when I thought I'd gotten my life semi figured out, I got a call a tonight out of the blue from a guy I have known for a long time.  Off and on over the years there was a possibility of a relationship, but that never worked out.  Our timing was always off.  Now, he's single and I'm single (albeit a bit of a mess on my part).  I let the call go to voicemail and haven't done anything since, even though he asked me to call him.  I just don't think I'm ready, in fact I KNOW I'm not...but, I'm not getting any younger either.   I hate change....and I hate being alone...and I just am not sure whether I'll ever be 'right' again.  And for some reason the call made me angry AGAIN for no obvious reason that I see, other than the REALLY obvious which I thought I was getting over finally.  For all I know, he was just calling to say Hi, not to try to hook up with me.  I just don't know and I probably won't since I am not calling him back.  Just a couple of days of feeling okay didn't seem that much to ask but in my case I guess it was.  Maybe that's why I'm angry.  Now I'm not okay once again and I don't even know why.  Or maybe I do.  Hard to say most days.  I am so pathetic sometimes.  Somebody tell me exactly when this gets easier, please!!

[KayC]

Julie.

If you do talk to him on down the road, just be clear about where you're at so he doesn't push himself on you, of course you don't feel like dealing with that right now!  It had to be hard to even get that call, even though you didn't talk to him.

I had something similar happen a few months after my husband died...it was with a long time ago (nearly 30 years before) ex that I ran into and he made an unwanted advance towards me even though he knew I'd just lost the love of my life!  I was so upset that I was driving home crying and hit a deer.  I felt very angry at his insensitivity and although we've been light friends since I've made it clear I want nothing more and sincerely mean it.  With us it wasn't just timing, it was that I don't feel he's the one.  Not at all!

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

With us it wasn't just timing, it was that I don't feel he's the one.  Not at all!

This is one of the reasons I know I will never be interested in anything romantic or intimate with another man.  I had the one and, if our personal faith is right, I'll be with him again when it's my time.

If I ever met a nice, attractive, single man in the future who turned out to be interested in me, the poor fellow would never stand a chance.  I'd nicely, but firmly, tell him it's not in the cards and that I'm already taken/married.

I do not understand the kind of man or woman who would try to take advantage of a grieving spouse/partner.  It's disgusting.

15 hours ago, JulieY said:

Now I'm not okay once again and I don't even know why.  Or maybe I do.  Hard to say most days.  I am so pathetic sometimes.  Somebody tell me exactly when this gets easier, please!!

Oh, my dear, you are not pathetic.  You are a sensitive, caring, grieving woman who misses her soulmate.

I think we don't always know what makes us suddenly feel angry or upset.  Maybe remembering that there had been a possibility of a relationship with this man in the past made you feel guilty or confused or, more likely I think, it reminded you that he was not the one.  You had just been cared for by your family, your heart and mind felt a bit more settled, maybe even accepting of what happened to you and your love, and then BAM! once more all you can think about is that you had found your soulmate.  Now your love is gone and "What the heck is this other man doing trying to intrude into my life?" (or words to that effect).

I suspect my natural response would be anger at the person who reminded me of what I'd lost.  First and foremost, my anger at the situation and all that my love is missing.  I'd probably also be angry that this other man is still here living his life, while my husband didn't get to finish his.  Of course, realistically I'd know it was not the other man's fault, but logic has nothing to do with it.  Our feelings simply are and they do not need justification.

It's certainly possible he was calling just to see how you are doing and perhaps equally possible he wants to see if he has a chance with you.  If it was the latter, I'd say he's probably not a "vulture" because he waited more than a year to contact you.  OTOH, if he was concerned or wanted to express sympathy, you'd think he would have done that soon after your loss.  It's no wonder you don't know what to think about him contacting you now, so it's no wonder you are angry.

I wish I had an answer about when things get easier, but I've come to understand that there is no set time frame and that we will likely circle back around, taking twists and turns, as we stumble through figuring out how to live with our grief and the life we have now.  I just passed 9 months and sometimes it feels as if he's been gone forever, while other times it feels as if I just came home from the hospital that night.  Some days I feel somewhat functional and can even smile or laugh a bit, while others all I can do is sit and stare and do useless things between bouts of sobbing.

I'm so sorry you had this setback.  I'm sending you hugs and hope that you find a little comfort by coming here to talk with us.

[GrievingSoul]

On 3/21/2019 at 11:30 PM, JulieY said:

Tonight, I am angry still.  Most of the time, I feel like I hate the man I loved and I REALLY hate that he left me in this situation out of his own selfish stupidity and I just hate that I feel the way I do. 

I felt this way too about my love before he was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. For years, I had stressed that he starts paying for life and health insurance, and he never got around to any of it. He would spend money so frivolously that he could have paid for a policy seven times within a month. The year he finally started to make smarter financial decisions (2019) was the year he died. I was heartbroken and livid at the same time. All of the years I spent sticking by his side, hoping that he’d finally become the responsible companion that I envisioned felt so wasted. I wanted to hate him, but I loved him too much. I still battle with these types of emotions every blue moon, so I completely understand what you’re going through. 

[Billie Rae]

@JulieY@GreivingSoul,I too some days feel angry and just hate him for not paying attention,taking it to lightly and not watching out for us,he was lazy in our relationship and our life.He only took pride in his work so left me in a cold,not finished house.He had so much more but his mother told him when he was young that to be and good man all he had to do Was to go to work everyday and I wasn't able to fix that.I know he loved me,he just didn't know how.
I love y'all
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[GrievingSoul]

12 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

,I too some days feel angry and just hate him for not paying attention,taking it to lightly and not watching out for us,he was lazy in our relationship and our life.He only took pride in his work so left me in a cold,not finished house.

I can relate to this so much. As much as I love him, he was not a very responsible man financially. He would spend his money frivolously, and would blow hundreds of dollars monthly on recreational and leisure expenses. Now to be fair, most of the time he would take my son and I out a lot, and I would tell him to cut down on doing that so we could save for the future. I was big on the “later” morseo than the “now.” I told him so many times how important life insurance was, and how it was completely possible for him to take care of his family “beyond the grave” if something were to ever happen to him. Most of my advice went in one ear and out of the other. The only time he would consider taking my advice was when I told him I didn’t think we were no longer compatible. Sometimes I sit up at night regretting that I didn’t chose someone more financially conscious at his age (54), and for the fact that I spent my golden years (I was with him since I was 22;I’m 30 now) attempting to build on a foundation deep down I felt should have already been established. Now I feel like I can’t even grieve for him properly since I have to figure out how to keep the bills paid. Some days I feel like staying home and reflecting on the good time we have, but I can’t because I have to work, now twice as hard and long because he’s no longer here. It saddens and angers me at the same time. When he was sick, nothing mattered to me but his recovery; now that he’s gone, I have to attend to all of the other matters I ignored for his sake. It’s daunting and a painful reality. 

[GrievingSoul]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

I had something similar happen a few months after my husband died...it was with a long time ago (nearly 30 years before) ex that I ran into and he made an unwanted advance towards me even though he knew I'd just lost the love of my life!  I was so upset that I was driving home crying and hit a deer.  I felt very angry at his insensitivity and although we've been light friends since I've made it clear I want nothing more and sincerely mean it.  With us it wasn't just timing, it was that I don't feel he's the one.  Not at all!

This very same thing happened to me a week ago. Aside from the deer, I did the VERY same exact thing. I was inconsolably upset afterwards. And the worse part is recently he had comforted me the day before, so I thought he was actually a good candidate to confide in, but I was wrong. I cried and sent him very nasty messages as I’ve had the same phone for years, and his number was still saved in my contacts because I really never delete numbers. I told him what a lousy person he was to use my vulnerability as an attempt to capitalize off of the moment. And what’s worse is he is an alleged “Godly” man. I was so disgusted and disappointed. 

[KayC]

I felt this man really had no clue what it was like to grieve your soul mate...he had never married!  How could he know?  He should have read my cues but he's socially inept so I forgave him but kept my distance for a long time.  Over the years he's made plays for me out of his own wistfulness and loneliness but I've been clear and he's finally backed off and accepted friendship for what it is.  Now he hints for a "caregiver", ha!  Not interested!  I have myself to take care of.  If he feels alone he should have made different choices in his life.  I DID make different choices and look where it got me, still alone at the end!

[Billie Rae]

I can relate to this so much. As much as I love him, he was not a very responsible man financially. He would spend his money frivolously, and would blow hundreds of dollars monthly on recreational and leisure expenses. Now to be fair, most of the time he would take my son and I out a lot, and I would tell him to cut down on doing that so we could save for the future. I was big on the “later” morseo than the “now.” I told him so many times how important life insurance was, and how it was completely possible for him to take care of his family “beyond the grave” if something were to ever happen to him. Most of my advice went in one ear and out of the other. The only time he would consider taking my advice was when I told him I didn’t think we were no longer compatible. Sometimes I sit up at night regretting that I didn’t chose someone more financially conscious at his age (54), and for the fact that I spent my golden years (I was with him since I was 22;I’m 30 now) attempting to build on a foundation deep down I felt should have already been established. Now I feel like I can’t even grieve for him properly since I have to figure out how to keep the bills paid. Some days I feel like staying home and reflecting on the good time we have, but I can’t because I have to work, now twice as hard and long because he’s no longer here. It saddens and angers me at the same time. When he was sick, nothing mattered to me but his recovery; now that he’s gone, I have to attend to all of the other matters I ignored for his sake. It’s daunting and a painful reality. 

I too gave up my self to care for Charlie,in the three months he was sick I made the house payment,truck payment etc etc by myself so he wouldn't have to worry and could stay in the same environment so I burned through my savings,it was worth it then,he trusted me completely to care for him but now I'm having to take a second job and try to secure my future And I'm 57 Now so....
Hugs
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

I had odd situation other day and can relate. Held door open for elderly man with a walker, he asked if I was married, told him widowed recently, he said he was 13 yrs. Widower and lonely. Then he asked me if I date...hmmmm.  I said "No, I'm not wanting to date whatsoever...guy behind us chimed in that he didn't want to either.  I turned and asked if he' d lost his wife too, he said.  Nope, Ive never been married (60yrs old mabbe). Elderly man saying mabbe I will see you here again,  younger one saying, well I like to take woman out to eat, none of that other stuff though. What?  I gave a nice little wave and walked to my car.  I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry...... still wondering if I set myself up for that one?

[Billie Rae]

Well dear Jes,you have to see the humor in that situation,after all you had two men sparring for your attention.No you didn't bring it on yourself,you were being courteous,that's all.
Love you
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@Billie Rae On my odd situation, the way I figured it, the elderly man (80s ?) looking for free caretaker, the never married man (60s,) noncommittal,  we're all leaving Dollar Tree which means we're either cheap or have no money, who do you think would be paying for that " out to eat"?  Lol.   On a serious note,  I just don't how to act in public anymore, I don't like being a widow.   I wear my rings still,  Kevins wedding band on chain on my neck,  I should just say Im married when asked, it worked when Kevin was here.   But no...... I stand there dumbfounded,  not knowing what to say,  wave and run off.  I just don't like dealing with life without him.  Its so sad for us all.  Love & hugs.   Jeanne

[JES]

No offense to anyone when I said we are either cheap ( shouldve said thrifty) or have no money if we are shopping there. Ive always liked to shop at Dollar Tree, find things there I don't find in other places,  and I am abit thrifty at times.  Sorry.......cheap was wrong choice of wording.  Jeanne

[SSC]

@JES I’m of the same belief, men in their 70’s or 80’s are looking for someone to take care of them.  My aunt warned me about this, especially concerning my neighbor.  I understand being lonely and wanting some form of companionship but often it’ll turn into constantly having to entertain and appease someone you don’t really want to spend that much time with.   

We’re all in such a vulnerable state.  Like you, I still wear my wedding ring and I go about my life as if I’m not single.  I feel like my husband is away (probably denial) and I have no intention of having another romantic relationship.  I am totally fine with having a good friend/friends that are there for each other but are respectful of my situation.  Who knows how long I’ll be out of sorts with my grief?  As of right now, that is all I can focus on.  

[JES]

@SSC  I am so glad you understand.  I have always enjoyed visiting the elderly,  (men, or women) and helping them out if I could. My next door neighbor was older single man and I was always visiting him, sometimes with Kevin,  most times not,   he was a very good friend,  for 20yrs. ( hes passed now).  Also know his brother well,  lost his wife a month ago, and Im afraid to even call him.  I worked in caretaking for 27 yrs. (mentally and physically handicapped adults) so that part of me still wants to be helpful and friendly to all.  But I am not in my comfort zone anymore.  Guess I need to rethink who I can talk too. I thought the older ones were the safe ones uggg......Like you, I have no interest in a romantic relationship.  I just want to get through my loss however long it takes. Thinking of all. Jeanne

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, JES said:

I wear my rings still,  Kevins wedding band on chain on my neck,  I should just say Im married when asked

Ditto for me.  I intend to wear my wedding ring for the rest of my life and am talking to a jeweler about how to incorporate my husband's ring into an actual pendant, which I would wear every day just as I simply wear it on a chain now.

Unless there's a reason to clarify, I say I am married or refer to "us" and "we."  Part of it is 35 years of marriage and part of it is that I still feel married.

What an odd situation for you.  You do something polite, something I do all the time, and end up in a strange and uncomfortable mini conversation with two...um...unusual men.  No, you didn't do a thing to cause it.

As for the Dollar Store.  I'm all for being frugal.  It's not being cheap; it's being careful with money, especially now.  There's a difference between being careful and being stingy.  You find things there that are what you want and have more money for other expenses.  We used to have this joke between us that if my husband ever went out and bought me really expensive jewelry, I'd throttle him because "Do you know what kind of trip we could have taken with that?"  It started right after our wedding when this woman we knew was flashing a $15,000 ring her husband had bought her.  I said, "Oh, that's lovely," (it was) and then turned to my husband and said, "Don't ever do that."  He raised his eyebrow as if to say, "As if I would."  Our wedding bands are thick-ish black hills gold and my hubby had a perfect small stone set into mine.  It's down low in a bezel because I use my hands a lot and don't like things that "stick out."  I love it more than if it was a million dollar diamond.  So you keep on being careful with money and buying the things you like.  Why shouldn't you?

 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, JES said:

I thought the older ones were the safe ones uggg......

Not necessarily.  I've had some older ones after me, made me want to run, scream, cry!  I remember this one coming towards me in his walker with his lecherous grin, it was right after George died, I came home and cried/vented to George, Now what have you done to me!!  I told a friend about it and she laughed, the guy went after anyone he thought eligible, yuck!  

There was a protection in being married, and we find that out when they're gone....we're on our own and it doesn't feel good!

[JulieY]

On 4/12/2019 at 11:07 AM, Nathan097 said:

Hello there

Just quoting this because....ewww.  Personal message from some anonymous guy on this site.  In another message, he asked me why I was on this site!  Hello??  Stalk much? Holy whatever-bad-words-I-won't-say!! WTH?!?!?  I answered the second one in a fairly unkind way which is unlike me, but really???  I guess it's my week for strange, uncomfortable contacts from the opposite sex.  His profile is new and his picture looked youngish....we have a guy on the prowl here, ladies.

On 4/12/2019 at 9:53 AM, GrievingSoul said:

Sometimes I sit up at night regretting that I didn’t chose someone more financially conscious at his age (54), and for the fact that I spent my golden years (I was with him since I was 22;I’m 30 now) attempting to build on a foundation deep down I felt should have already been established. Now I feel like I can’t even grieve for him properly since I have to figure out how to keep the bills paid. Some days I feel like staying home and reflecting on the good time we have, but I can’t because I have to work, now twice as hard and long because he’s no longer here. It saddens and angers me at the same time. When he was sick, nothing mattered to me but his recovery; now that he’s gone, I have to attend to all of the other matters I ignored for his sake. It’s daunting and a painful reality. 

@GrievingSoul You made me see something I hadn't seen (or refused to see) before.  I married my ex-husband in my 20's and 17 years later, he left me for a younger woman.  A few years later, I met the man who was to become my soulmate.  And he had the audacity to die and leave me in dire financial straits.  How dare he, when my best years were gone and I was counting on him??  And he, at age 62, had absolutely no ability to see beyond today.  He spent and acted like he'd live forever and, worse of all, I let him because I loved him.  Add to that the entirely stupid reason (stupid, stupid, stupid!!) he died and no wonder I'm pissed off most of the time.  You're right....my grieving process is being made harder because I blame him for the FACT that I only had $20 for groceries this week.  Daunting and painful, indeed.  Nail on the head.  

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

I remember this one coming towards me in his walker with his lecherous grin,

Oh, ick.  I haven't yet experienced that, but at least now I know that I should be prepared for it.

[foreverhis]

40 minutes ago, JulieY said:

Just quoting this because....ewww.  Personal message from some anonymous guy on this site. 

I got that personal message as well.  I ignored it because it made me feel icky.  It was like, "Who are you and why are you messaging me?"  My mind put a voice to it that was like those creepy guys we've all met in our lives.  The ones who just make your skin crawl.  Well, at least I was not alone in getting that weird and inappropriate personal message.  And geez, my screen name should be a freaking clue that I am grieving for my forever love.

[JES]

@JulieY I also had two messages from same guy, thurs night, I believe. Said he " had some tips for me". I didn't answer them. Also checked profile, said he had just joined...didn't sound right to me. Thanks for heads up warning for all.  

[JES]

@foreverhis  Your rings sound very pretty, and specially thought out.  I too, cant imagine spending so much money on a ring. I have small diamond engagement ring and my wedding band has mine and Kevins birthstone on it, simple. His gold band has tiny diamonds set in. Im really not a big jewelry wearer, he wore more than I did.  It just gets in the way for me.  I don't even buy much of anything anymore, I have more than I need already....

[Billie Rae]

The creep messaged me too.sent him a message back Anderson called him a creep[emoji16]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

I reported it because 1) it sounded like the opener to a come on and 2) I was sure several others had got the same message.  I feel like a mama bear, very protective of you all.  I see he started a thread here and mod Kelly responded, pointing  him to another section.  People who are newly grieving are vulnerable and do NOT need this kind of attention their way!  Very insensitive at the least!

[foreverhis]

On 4/13/2019 at 9:07 PM, JES said:

my wedding band has mine and Kevins birthstone on it,

Oh, I love that idea.  My original stone was a tsavorite because it's a deep, rich green that I've always thought emeralds wish they could be.  It's my favorite gemstone, though they're rare and now as expensive as good diamonds.

While we were dating (before prices went through the roof, thank goodness), my love bought me small tsavorite earrings for my birthday.  Years later he had a small pendant made "just because."  Unfortunately, it's a fairly soft stone and 5 years after our wedding, I broke it in my ring, even in the bezel setting.  My husband and I went in together and chose a deep, rich red sapphire to replace it.  It's a perfect, small stone and looks wonderful with the black hills gold.  It's not quite as hard as a diamond, but it's proven very durable.

Funny story.  I had told my husband that for our 25th anniversary I wanted an anniversary band with red and pink sapphires.  So we went and looked at stones and settings.  He would have bought it for me, but all I could think was, "I'd really rather go back to Hawai'i with that money."  So, no ring, but wonderful memories of time adventuring together.  Much better, IMO.

 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I see he started a thread here and mod Kelly responded, pointing  him to another section.

Yeah, I read his post and was really offended when he wrote that his love is "emotionally dead" to him and that it's just like we felt when our husbands died, so he's here looking for a "soulmate" as if we're on a dating website.

Kelly was very polite about it, far more so than I would have been.

[Pim]

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Yeah, I read his post and was really offended when he wrote that his love is "emotionally dead" to him and that it's just like we felt when our husbands died, so he's here looking for a "soulmate" as if we're on a dating website.

Kelly was very polite about it, far more so than I would have been.

How odd! Mr. Creep didn't contact me at all. I feel kind of offended.

Seriously though, if two people on this forum would find love together, absolutely fine with me. But this particular post was so strange. The only reason I didn't give a reaction was that I didn't want to give the impression of being some frustrated old bugger.

[JulieY]

On 4/15/2019 at 2:25 AM, foreverhis said:

Yeah, I read his post and was really offended when he wrote that his love is "emotionally dead" to him and that it's just like we felt when our husbands died, so he's here looking for a "soulmate" as if we're on a dating website.

Kelly was very polite about it, far more so than I would have been.

Oh holy whatever bad words I shouldn't say!  He responded to my very unkind response with this:

"What brought me here is that for the past 5 years I’ve never been in a relationship. My ex did what was so hurtful to me. I came here to see if I can find my soulmate here. Seeing that people here have been hurt too just like I’m and I suggest we will not want to hurt each other when we get together... hoping I find her here"

I just don't have words that are appropriate to speak in polite company.  Don't even know how to say how completely this pissed me off.  I want to tell him to go to one of the thousands of dating sites or just ply his BS somewhere else.  But I also want to strangle him because he's a weird stalkery dude and his profile picture looks like he's maybe in his thirties so what does he think he's gonna do an old lady who is still grieving???   I think I need anger management courses lol.

And now I gotta go find his post.  I've been staying here, in my safe spot, but now I gotta see.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, JulieY said:

I just don't have words that are appropriate to speak in polite company.

Even my very polite, charming Southern grandmother would have brought out the "naughty girl" words for this guy.  (At least, she would have said them to me.  I think my mother would have had a heart attack on the spot if grandma had ever said more than "shucks" in front of her.)

So in the thread he started, he claimed his love was "emotionally dead" to him.  To you, he claimed his ex hurt him so badly that he felt the need to come here and harass grieving women in hopes of finding "a soulmate."  I'm kind of stunned, even though I've met my fair share of creeps in my life.

Sure, a woman who no longer loves you breaking up with you (and who could blame her, assuming she even exists) is just like losing our husbands/partners of years and decades.  Your observation about age is a good one.  I wondered about that as well.  My profile says clearly that my love and I were married for 35 years.  I'm sure as heck not in this guy's age bracket.

[JES]

No matter who this guy was, or what site he was posting on for women, he sounded so angry, and just messaging anyone, regardless of age, would probably not be a good candidate even on an actual dating site. Comes across as desperate.... @Pim  Sorry if you felt left out, don't think you missed much tho.   Jeanne

[KayC]

13 hours ago, JulieY said:

Seeing that people here have been hurt too just like I’m

So insensitive!  Losing someone to death is NOT like losing them to break up!  With death, they didn't leave us because they wanted to, not even with suicide for that would imply they left by choice when in actuality it was beyond choice by then, they felt they had to.  Break up is entirely different!  With death they didn't betray us, they didn't will to hurt us!  We are grieving an intact loving relationship which is altogether different than the grief of a break up.  And five years later???  See a therapist, don't come here to this section looking for love, good grief!  no pun intended...

[foreverhis]

On 4/15/2019 at 3:54 AM, Pim said:

Seriously though, if two people on this forum would find love together, absolutely fine with me. But this particular post was so strange. The only reason I didn't give a reaction was that I didn't want to give the impression of being some frustrated old bugger.

Well, you are clearly not a frustrated old bugger.  You are one of us, gender meaning absolutely nothing when it comes to grieving.  You had a beautiful love and he was taken away from you.  As you clearly are a loving, giving soul, you will probably meet or be contacted by a few people like this guy along the way.

I do agree with you that if two grieving members here happen to find love together along their journeys, it would be a fine thing.  Just because I have no interest in finding or looking for another love doesn't mean I think that's the right thing for everyone.  I was going to add "especially younger members," but as I think about it, age is also immaterial.  Love can happen no matter where we are in life.  Those who are open to it should embrace it if it comes their way when they are ready.

[Pim]

@foreverhis Thank you, your words warm my heart. And I also believe age is immaterial in this. Love = Love.

[JulieY]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Love can happen no matter where we are in life.  Those who are open to it should embrace it if it comes their way when they are ready.

Amen, sister!  My 75 almost 76-year-old aunt is still hoping against hope that it's not too late.  She's survived this horrible experience twice by out-living two husbands.  I don't remember her first husband and her second husband died when I still had a 'teen' after my age, so it's been a very long time for her.  And then later being dumped by a man she'd been seeing for 15 years maybe?  It's been probably 5 or 6 years since that one and, yes, she was horribly sad for a while.  I was very worried about her (mostly due to her age and health issues), but she is such a strong, wonderful person. I look at her as a role model for who I want to be when I grow up    In case this sounds like a whole lot of men, she was fresh out of high school when she married the first time around, so she's had about 60 years since then!

I never did find stalky guy's post.  I got sidetracked by somebody else.

[KayC]

On my other forum, it happened a couple of times, one we felt supportive of and happy for them, they met doing a fundraiser for the forum, and they have happily relocated her business from Hawaii to Arizona, and are doing well.  The other "couple" we had concerns because there were red flags with the lady and we were worried she was going after the man for his money...we haven't heard from either of them again so not sure how that turned out but I hope we were all wrong but the red flags were waving hard.  He was a good guy and we didn't want to see him hurt.  We're all vulnerable when we go through this loss, even if we don't like to think so.  Oh but we are!

Julie, I looked but I think that thread got deleted, there's no record of it, I even looked on his activity, nothing remains.

I think it's never too late, I had two friends that connected after he lost his wife and they were happily married until their deaths...they were in their 80s when they found love again and got about eight years together before they died.

[JulieY]

@KayC Well, I'll try to keep that story in mind next time I get all dark and twisty.  I'm not ready to be done yet and I'm not ready for a new love yet either.  It's a very frustrating place to be.  I'm more hopeful than I was, but I think I need some counseling.  The reason he died just eats me up inside.  It's not like it was an accident or even a disease, it was just pure selfish stupidity.  I hope I can find a way to get that help soon.