Just so darn angry

[JulieY]

My fiance died on November 26, 2017.  The Sunday after Thanksgiving.  He was 62.  He'd been sick, in and out of the hospital several times during the month of November.  What no one but me (and the doctors) knows is this -- he'd gone to a "friend's" house on the 6th of November and shot up some meth.  He was 62, had asthma and had previously had a quintuple bypass surgery....and yet, because he liked getting high on mary jane, I guess he somehow thought that poison wouldn't kill him?!?!?!?  I only know this because on his first hospital visit he told me, probably only because he knew the doctor was going to bring it up.  20 days later he was dead, in our living room of the house we had JUST bought and I had to give him CPR until the medics arrived.  To top THAT day off, I had to talk to a couple of police officers because he died at home and, who knows, I might have killed him or something!!!  Nobody would say it, not the doctors or nurses, but it doesn't take a masters degree to figure out what killed him.  If that crap can make your teeth fall out and ruin your brain, it can surely ruin a weak heart.  And now I'm in a house I can barely pay for, eating Ramen noodles and wishing I'd never met him (sometimes, or not, I don't know).  I still can't bear to be in the living room and I have nightmares.  And I miss him so damn much.  I waited 45 years to find him and had him for 5 years.  He sang to me, he danced with me, he said was his soulmate.  I loved him so very much.  I just don't understand how this happened.  ANGRY doesn't begin to describe what I am.  I'm angry at him, I'm angry at God (if there is one), and I'm just angry.  And it's been over a year and I'm still a hot mess.  I don't know what help I expect here, maybe I just needed to vent.

[Billie Rae]

@justangry,we get it!My husband died January 16 2019 and yup,I'm angry,you see 3 weeks before his diagnosis I had planned to divorce him but hadn't yet told him then he got the diagnosis and well,what kind of ***hole would leave a dying man so I stayed and became his caregiver and he was so so sick but I did it.When he died he left me in an unfinished house and a truck I bought him Christmas of 2017 and no insurance so I can't pay for any of it.He never fixed the house like he said he would so it won't sell for what's owed on it and the truck is also upside down.I can hear my credit score jumping off a bridge Now.I also sometimes wish I had never met him,but I did so I feel sad,guilty,lonely and yup,angry.this site has helped me accept my feelings as valid so stay here and read and post and rant.There are a lot of positive people here who always give me just enough boost to make it through the day or at times the night.I'm so sorry for your loss,not only of your guy but your hopes and dreams for the future.Hugs
Billie

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[JulieY]

@Billie RaeOh, Billie Rae, you so get it.  This house was a 'fixer-upper' and he was in good health then.  He was gonna fix it up.  We were gonna do this and that.... or he was, because really I don't know the first thing about carpentry or wiring or pretty much anything helpful in the situation at hand.  Now, I have no money and I can't even afford to get the grass mowed.  I have allergies and can't even go and do it myself unless I want to end up not being able to breathe.  I am lucky if I can afford groceries most weeks.  We used to call it 'rolling pennies for gas poor' and that's me now.  What a mess.  I'm keeping my head above water (and my credit score too, mostly) by pure luck most months.  I'm sorry for your loss too.  You are obviously a wonderful person for sticking by him (even if he didn't deserve it) when the chips were down.  I just feel like he died from utter stupidity.  Suicide by Stupidity.  I guess it's a thing now.  Hugs back.  I'll hang around as you suggested and see if it helps.

BTW, I changed my username.  I couldn't find anything at first but now I did.

[Billie Rae]

Yep,my husband bought this house 26 years ago and started to remodel he ripped everything out and never did anything after.Him and his son pulled out the equity every Time it went up so now there is more owed on it than he bought it for.Now I'm paying the bills we had at 2 salaries on just mine.when I first met him and moved in all the bills were behind(his kid supposedly was taking care of the bill pay)so I used all my savings to pay it up.We fought about him being lazy but he would say"I go to work everyday that makes me a good partner"his mom tought him that.After what I've been through the last 5 months I do wish I had never met him or his tragic family(his son died in 2014 of drug o.d)now I'm fighting just to stay alive and not homeless.If this had to happen I sure wish it would have been when I was younger,I would have been able to recover better.I wish we were not in this position!Love Billie

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[foreverhis]

@JulieY  Oh, my dear, I hardly know what to say.  I am so sorry you find yourself here with us, but please believe me when I tell you that over time, being here will help.  When I came here, I had been floundering around, hopeless and bereft, for 5 months.  I'll admit that I've only taken teeny baby steps to let light back into my life and I know it will take years to find a place where I can feel at all peaceful.  But being here has given me hope that it might happen.

You have every right to be angry, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I can hardly imagine the conflicting emotions surging through you every day.  I was and am angry, but at the situation and somewhat at the doctors for not being more aggressive in finding out why my husband's symptoms had gotten worse.  I'm a bit angry at us for not pushing them harder.  But I'm not angry at my husband because he did nothing wrong.

Your situation must be so hard to comprehend.  Part of you misses your love beyond measure and the other part realizes that he made choices that led to his death.  You ask yourself how he could do that.  Just in case you are, I am going to ask you to please never, never blame yourself in any way.  You could not have known and probably couldn't have stopped what happened.  But now the future you planned with your love has been ripped away.  In that way, at least, almost everyone here is similar.

I don't know the situation with your home, but it sounds like you will need to consider selling and finding another place.  Although the "traditional" recommendation is to make no big decisions for a while, it's been more than a year and that advice isn't always right anyway.  If selling and finding a place for yourself will help take off some of your financial burdens, I urge you to make that a priority as soon as you are able.  Any burdens we can lift off our shoulders helps.  Just as we each grieve in our own way, we are all different in what helps us.  Some of us keep everything exactly how it was because that is comforting, for others the constant reminders are too painful, and for still others (like me) it's some of both.

You may find that a grief counselor could help.  I'd suggest you call a hospital or a hospice organization because they often have resources and can lead you in the right direction for that.  I understand that your financial situation means you probably couldn't afford to just go to counseling, but there are sometimes counselors who work with hospitals and hospice based on what someone can afford.  There's no shame in saying, "I desperately need help. Can you help me?"  You've experienced the worst loss most of us will ever have and in a horrible way.

I did want to mention that I had an experience of being questioned by our sheriff's department.  My mom had pancreatic cancer.  The day before she died was a pretty good day.  My husband and I were the only family close by (as in 5 minutes away).  I helped her get ready for bed, set her up for the evening, made her a little supper, and put on a movie for her.  She preferred to not be fussed over all night and told me to go on home. 

The next day I walked in to discover that she had died in the night.  It was how she said she wanted to go.  We had to call the sheriff's department, which sent over two deputies.  They sat us down and started questioning me about what was her mood the night before, how much of her medication was used, did she want to end her life, did I not want her to suffer, etc. etc. etc.  This went on for quite a while as they asked me the same questions several ways.  My husband could see I was getting more and more distressed.  I finally blurted out, "She was going to go with a close friend to see her favorite opera next week.  There's no way she'd miss that on purpose and no way we'd keep her from it!"  Finally they accepted what we had been telling them for a freaking hour. 

Obviously my experience was nowhere near as traumatic as yours, but I think it gave me a hint of what it must have been like for you.  It's no wonder you can't be in the room where he died and it's no wonder you're having nightmares.  Most of us have strange, troubling, or frightening dreams.  You've been through a horrible trauma that you can't help but relive every day.

If you have a trusted friend, one you know you can rely on to be a sounding board and comforting shoulder, you might want to talk to him or her and let out all the pain and anger you are holding inside.  It sounds as if keeping in your fiance's "secret" may be becoming too much for you.  (I may also have misread you there; if so, apologies.)  I think it's good that you've realized that holding in so much pain, anger, frustration, and despair can make things worse.  If you feel most comfortable letting it out here, please, please do that as much as you want and need.

I can tell you that the members here will never judge you or your love.  They will not tell you what you should or shouldn't do.  Though we often make suggestions based on our own experiences, we will not try to "talk" you into doing, thinking, or feeling anything.  And members here will not tell you that your decisions are right or wrong because whatever you feel, think, or do is what is right for you.  One of the things that many of us find helpful is the ability to come here and let out all the things we keep inside around other people.  Every one of us knows what it is to lose our beloved soulmates.  We have lost them in every way imaginable, from sudden, unexpected death to long, painful illnesses and from many causes.

Please come here often, even if it is just to vent and rant and cry.  I promise that we will understand.  And I hope we can help ease your burden at least a little bit.  My heart goes out to you.

[Billie Rae]

@foreverhis,I just have to say when I read your thoughts I gotta say,I love this person,your kindness and thoughtful words are so true and it feels like you know me.

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[JES]

8@foreverhis  You do have such a nice way of saying how we all feel....and such good heartfelt advice that we all need. Thankyou. @JulieY  I am so sorry you are going thru this....I guess all I can say is that Meth is an awful drug...  even in our little area it is so prevalent and hurting so many.  Saying for myself, my guy wasn't so perfect either, not with meth but as a recovering alcoholic ( before I met him) he slipped afew times and was probably not good on his health either with heart disease, diabetes etc.  I had no control over what he did..as you didn't either.  I was very angry at the time though so I understand your anger at him.  Just know that we do care, and feel free to vent.  I think alot of us have our own skeletons in our closets,  we cannot judge, we are all flawed in some way.  Prayers to help you find peace.  @Billie Rae   I don't think people understand how hard it is on one income when you are used to those two checks coming in....we are not only grieving but have to worry about bills, moving, funeral expenses or what have you.  I also "get" the house stuff that never got done. I too live in an old two story that was a fixer upper. Still am left with much to do that never got finished, and am forced to do on my own....if I can.  Also hard to find good help if I can't....    so I plug along doing what I can, ( not much as I have no energy). Hope you are doing ok...  sending hugs, virtual, Im not a big hugger either so I get that,  plus its flu season, and who wants to get all those germs. I sound like an old grump  lol.   Love to all and hope for our new futures.

[Billie Rae]

Ugh!I've been sick for 3 days now,no one to bring me anything.I was able to work but now it's the weekend and I can't even get up.So much I need to do and all I can do is lay here and hate myself.You know,the whole time Charlie was sick I held it all together and took care of us,since he left it feels like the world is out to thwart me!The huge long snow and now I'm sick.I tell myself I'll get it together and it gets worse.I've only been sick a few times in my life,why now when I need to pull it together[emoji21]I'm so angry at myself.

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  I am so sorry you are sick...hope you get better soon. Wish I was close to bring you chicken soup. Rest, drink lots of fluids, and try not too worry about things to do. I think our resistance gets down from all we've been thru and having to keep going.  Feel bad for you....prayers to get well quick. Jeanne

[foreverhis]

On 3/2/2019 at 9:55 AM, JES said:

I don't think people understand how hard it is on one income when you are used to those two checks coming in....we are not only grieving but have to worry about bills, moving, funeral expenses or what have you.  I also "get" the house stuff that never got done. I too live in an old two story that was a fixer upper. Still am left with much to do that never got finished, and am forced to do on my own....if I can.  Also hard to find good help if I can't....    so I plug along doing what I can, ( not much as I have no energy). Hope you are doing ok...  sending hugs, virtual, Im not a big hugger either so I get that,  plus its flu season, and who wants to get all those germs. I sound like an old grump

Truer words were never written!   There are so many projects, large and small, that we weren't able to do or have done while he was sick.  Some we'd put off while we fiddled around making choices, thinking we'd have time.  The list is overwhelming.  We too have an older two-story that didn't need immediate repairs when we bought it 22 years ago, but boy does it need work now.  I've spent 8 months trying to get a few of the big outside things completed.  The cost is daunting, so it's one thing at a time.  As for all the interior stuff, well, I may not get to some of it at all.  Other necessary things will have to be scaled back due to cost. 

One of my greatest fears is that my love died thinking he'd let me down that way.  I tried to make sure he knew he hadn't.  I gave him a mantra of "None of this is my fault" because he kept apologizing to me for "getting so sick."  I reminded him of that often.  Even as his body was failing him, even as the infections and electrolyte issues messed with his memory and mind, he kept worrying.  The inability to change things frustrated him beyond his ability to think rationally about it, so sometimes he lashed out in anger.  Adding these stark realities to all the emotional pain amplifies both, I think.  I want to be so mad at him for leaving me, but I can't because he didn't want to go and wasn't at fault.  I ridiculously tell him he needs to come home now, that I can't do this alone.  My mind wonders just how much more my heart can bear.  And so my limited energy usually doesn't go far enough to tackle more than getting out of bed, getting dressed, and doing the basics.

I realize that I am luckier than many.  Way back in the 70s, my husband took a life insurance policy through his professional organization.  He kept it all this time, fortunately qualifying for what's called "waiver of premium" when he became disabled.  Although I am fighting with the insurance company about the amount (long story about a clause they've been unable to prove exists), they have paid 50% of the amount.  Though the full amount wouldn't be enough to make me never worry about money, even half has given me a cushion of relief.  Our daughter received a small portion, which she used to pay off her final student loan debt from 14 years ago.  I had enough to pay off our small mortgage (phew), have a couple of the big house repairs done that we had planned (spendy, but the kind that must be done), and maybe buy a car built in this century (ours are classics, but they're 81 and 86).

Even with the current burden off my shoulders, I am worried about down the road.  Without his retirement income, I have to plan not just for now, but for later.  I worry about what will happen when (and if) 60 becomes 70 or 80.  And I no longer even want to live another 20 or 30 years because he's not here to share it with me.  The future seems so bleak most of the time that I really do have to try to live through each day.  An older house means that more things will need work as I go along and it scares the heck out of me knowing I'll have to figure it out without my smart, capable husband to help me.

Thank you to you and @Billie Rae for your complements.  I'm a technical writer by profession, so words are one of my comforts.  On here, I think what comes out of my heart flows through my fingers.  Often one of the members here will write something and I'll think, "That's exactly what's happening.  How can he/she know?"  Then I realize it's because so many of us are going through such similar experiences and that much of it is simply universal truth.

Although I am a hugger with family and close friends, I too have had to ward off near strangers trying to hug me.  You're quite right about flu season as well.  My doctors have said that stress and grieving affects our immune systems and makes us even more susceptible, so I stay away from crowded places anyway.  I even leave checkout lines and stores entirely if I feel I need to.

Everyone stay safe and warm as this horrible winter continues.  Try to remember that spring could be just around the corner.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I tell myself I'll get it together and it gets worse.I've only been sick a few times in my life,why now when I need to pull it together[emoji21]I'm so angry at myself.

Not to scold...well, yes I guess I am scolding you a little.  You're sick, which is not your fault.  Please stop being so hard on yourself.  If there was ever a time to give yourself a break, it's now.  How can you be expected to pull yourself together when so much has happened and is happening?  As much as we'd like to be the strong women we've always been, just now we are broken, shattered, through no fault of our own.  Be kind to yourself, won't you?

Listen to me...I kind of feel like "Pot, meet Kettle" because I'm the same way.  It's easy for me to tell you to take care of yourself and give yourself a break, but can't seem to find the same compassion for myself sometimes.  Sigh.

We all deserve to care for ourselves first right now.  I'll just have to keep working on it.

[Sunflower2]

4 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

Ugh!I've been sick for 3 days

yes immune systems do become fragile.  it may be your body signaling you to curl up, slow down and pay attention to your basic needs.  Only you know what your body may need.  Give yourself permission to nurture yourself, curl up, get comfortable and take in whatever is needed to restore your health. 

Warm healing thoughts.

[JES]

@foreverhis I really love my older home, and the two stories. When Kevin was sick and in hospital, I hauled our guest bed and box spring and bed frame downstairs by myself and set it up in our dining room ( after moving table and chairs to my garage). I knew he wouldn't make it upstairs. I gouged the walls in spots getting box spring down and my boys were alittle upset I didnt call them for help, but I got it done and we got to sleep downstairs the last time he was home.  I usually do things spur of the moment and don't like to ask or wait for help.  I also have been fortunate with the money situation. His mom passed away in 2012 and left us with alittle savings, and a nice little cottage on the Keewanaw ( Lake Superior) about 90 miles further north from us. It is the place he loved the most so I want to try and keep it but taxes and homeowners insurance in two places may not allow it so I worry about that.  At this time, I dread going up alone, without him but will need to cut the grass so have no choice. Will probably bring someone with me.   Sigh......it wont be the same anymore........  Thinking of you all.

[Billie Rae]

Thank you all,I'm trying to let myself be sick but my brain worries and frets,and there is so much I need to get done,I guess not today,I'm not physically able so I will take Theraflu and sleep.it's really good to have you all,I wish it was under better circumstances.Hugs to each of you
Billie

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  Hugs to you my dear,  hope you are warm and wake up tomorrow feeling much better.

[KayC]

On 2/27/2019 at 9:17 PM, JulieY said:

My fiance died on November 26, 2017.  The Sunday after Thanksgiving.  He was 62.  He'd been sick, in and out of the hospital several times during the month of November.  What no one but me (and the doctors) knows is this -- he'd gone to a "friend's" house on the 6th of November and shot up some meth.  He was 62, had asthma and had previously had a quintuple bypass surgery....and yet, because he liked getting high on mary jane, I guess he somehow thought that poison wouldn't kill him?!?!?!?  I only know this because on his first hospital visit he told me, probably only because he knew the doctor was going to bring it up.  20 days later he was dead, in our living room of the house we had JUST bought and I had to give him CPR until the medics arrived.  To top THAT day off, I had to talk to a couple of police officers because he died at home and, who knows, I might have killed him or something!!!  Nobody would say it, not the doctors or nurses, but it doesn't take a masters degree to figure out what killed him.  If that crap can make your teeth fall out and ruin your brain, it can surely ruin a weak heart.  And now I'm in a house I can barely pay for, eating Ramen noodles and wishing I'd never met him (sometimes, or not, I don't know).  I still can't bear to be in the living room and I have nightmares.  And I miss him so damn much.  I waited 45 years to find him and had him for 5 years.  He sang to me, he danced with me, he said was his soulmate.  I loved him so very much.  I just don't understand how this happened.  ANGRY doesn't begin to describe what I am.  I'm angry at him, I'm angry at God (if there is one), and I'm just angry.  And it's been over a year and I'm still a hot mess.  I don't know what help I expect here, maybe I just needed to vent.

And it's okay to feel angry.  Even at the same time as you love and miss him.  The feelings may seem at odds with each other but really they're not...each and every feeling we have is valid.

My husband confessed to me three weeks before he died that he'd been doing Meth...his boss got him on it, wanted to get more work out of him (harder! faster!)  I feel angry at that company, they didn't even send a card or flowers when he died...and he'd even given his boss rides to work every day!  

I, too, felt anger at him.  The doctor said that's not what killed him (his heart had 4 of 5 arteries blocked), but I'm not a dummy, I know it thins the lining of the heart, couldn't have helped him.  And of course after he died, over the next year or two I began to piece together how he paid for the Meth, each and every lie he'd told me...

You bet I was angry!  And well so!  But that doesn't mean I don't love him, I do.  I wish he hadn't made the decisions he did, but he did and there it is.  It's me living with the pieces.  he was a wonderful man, just not perfect, gosh I don't know anyone who is.  But he was perfect for me, aside from the bad decisions he made at the end.  I learned to accept and love the whole of the man, not just focus on the bits.  I wish you the best in your journey and in coming to peace and resolution within your heart.  This is a good place to come to.

[KayC]

On 3/1/2019 at 12:14 PM, foreverhis said:

I don't know the situation with your home, but it sounds like you will need to consider selling and finding another place.

Or maybe a roommate?  Or subletting (depends on bank loan agreement)?

[JulieY]

On 3/1/2019 at 3:14 PM, foreverhis said:

@JulieY  Oh, my dear, I hardly know what to say.  I am so sorry you find yourself here with us, but please believe me when I tell you that over time, being here will help.  When I came here, I had been floundering around, hopeless and bereft, for 5 months.  I'll admit that I've only taken teeny baby steps to let light back into my life and I know it will take years to find a place where I can feel at all peaceful.  But being here has given me hope that it might happen.

You have every right to be angry, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I can hardly imagine the conflicting emotions surging through you every day.  I was and am angry, but at the situation and somewhat at the doctors for not being more aggressive in finding out why my husband's symptoms had gotten worse.  I'm a bit angry at us for not pushing them harder.  But I'm not angry at my husband because he did nothing wrong.

Your situation must be so hard to comprehend.  Part of you misses your love beyond measure and the other part realizes that he made choices that led to his death.  You ask yourself how he could do that.  Just in case you are, I am going to ask you to please never, never blame yourself in any way.  You could not have known and probably couldn't have stopped what happened.  But now the future you planned with your love has been ripped away.  In that way, at least, almost everyone here is similar.

I don't know the situation with your home, but it sounds like you will need to consider selling and finding another place.  Although the "traditional" recommendation is to make no big decisions for a while, it's been more than a year and that advice isn't always right anyway.  If selling and finding a place for yourself will help take off some of your financial burdens, I urge you to make that a priority as soon as you are able.  Any burdens we can lift off our shoulders helps.  Just as we each grieve in our own way, we are all different in what helps us.  Some of us keep everything exactly how it was because that is comforting, for others the constant reminders are too painful, and for still others (like me) it's some of both.

You may find that a grief counselor could help.  I'd suggest you call a hospital or a hospice organization because they often have resources and can lead you in the right direction for that.  I understand that your financial situation means you probably couldn't afford to just go to counseling, but there are sometimes counselors who work with hospitals and hospice based on what someone can afford.  There's no shame in saying, "I desperately need help. Can you help me?"  You've experienced the worst loss most of us will ever have and in a horrible way.

I did want to mention that I had an experience of being questioned by our sheriff's department.  My mom had pancreatic cancer.  The day before she died was a pretty good day.  My husband and I were the only family close by (as in 5 minutes away).  I helped her get ready for bed, set her up for the evening, made her a little supper, and put on a movie for her.  She preferred to not be fussed over all night and told me to go on home. 

The next day I walked in to discover that she had died in the night.  It was how she said she wanted to go.  We had to call the sheriff's department, which sent over two deputies.  They sat us down and started questioning me about what was her mood the night before, how much of her medication was used, did she want to end her life, did I not want her to suffer, etc. etc. etc.  This went on for quite a while as they asked me the same questions several ways.  My husband could see I was getting more and more distressed.  I finally blurted out, "She was going to go with a close friend to see her favorite opera next week.  There's no way she'd miss that on purpose and no way we'd keep her from it!"  Finally they accepted what we had been telling them for a freaking hour. 

Obviously my experience was nowhere near as traumatic as yours, but I think it gave me a hint of what it must have been like for you.  It's no wonder you can't be in the room where he died and it's no wonder you're having nightmares.  Most of us have strange, troubling, or frightening dreams.  You've been through a horrible trauma that you can't help but relive every day.

If you have a trusted friend, one you know you can rely on to be a sounding board and comforting shoulder, you might want to talk to him or her and let out all the pain and anger you are holding inside.  It sounds as if keeping in your fiance's "secret" may be becoming too much for you.  (I may also have misread you there; if so, apologies.)  I think it's good that you've realized that holding in so much pain, anger, frustration, and despair can make things worse.  If you feel most comfortable letting it out here, please, please do that as much as you want and need.

I can tell you that the members here will never judge you or your love.  They will not tell you what you should or shouldn't do.  Though we often make suggestions based on our own experiences, we will not try to "talk" you into doing, thinking, or feeling anything.  And members here will not tell you that your decisions are right or wrong because whatever you feel, think, or do is what is right for you.  One of the things that many of us find helpful is the ability to come here and let out all the things we keep inside around other people.  Every one of us knows what it is to lose our beloved soulmates.  We have lost them in every way imaginable, from sudden, unexpected death to long, painful illnesses and from many causes.

Please come here often, even if it is just to vent and rant and cry.  I promise that we will understand.  And I hope we can help ease your burden at least a little bit.  My heart goes out to you.

@foreverhis

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come back.  I was scared that I wouldn't be accepted.  Quite frankly, I was just scared that I'd finally said all the things I've been thinking, dreaming and worrying over all this time.  I've had so many friends disappear after he died, it's like a divorce only worse.  I suppose they don't know what to say so they don't say anything at all.  Your post has touched me. 

I wish I could sell the house.  Unfortunately, we bought in a depressed area (call it 'the sticks' and you'd be giving it more credit than it deserves) and I could put it on the market.....but it was on the market for 5 years before we bought it.  If it were in a city, the price we paid would get you a 1 bedroom condo, rather than a 3-bedroom house with an incredible screened in porch.  It's an incredible house, if you can see the promise....but I can't make the repairs that it needs.  And, I don't know how to make it a home anymore.

I have not been sleeping again.  I think you're right.  I need to tell SOMEONE the 'secret'.  It's eating me up inside.  I just don't know who to tell it to.  I considered someone at church.  I considered going to an AA meeting.  I even considered telling my 75 year-old aunt.  But somehow, I feel like I just don't have anyone to tell.  How terrible is it that I have been on this Earth for 51 years and I don't have a single person I trust to tell this to?  That's just depressing.

@KayC A roommate would be great, plenty of room....unfortunately I'm, at best, 40 minutes away from anything remotely considered civilization.  I suppose someone might be willing to commute (like I do) but I haven't had any luck thus far.  Add to that that I'm a smoker and my chances are very slim and none.

[Billie Rae]

@Juliey Don't give up.Perhaps you could rent to a telecommuter.And I have found sharing with someone helps.I too am at 57 and have no one to turn to,my husband was kind of a hermit so my friends were uncomfortable around him and soon they were gone.Hang on babe,don't think to hard and things come to your mind.I now know that I'll have to take a hit to my credit but I'll turn the truck in after I get an apartment and guess I will keep my car until it clears up.Please take care of yourself first.Some of us are not only grieving but in raw survival mode.It sucks,but we got this.
Love my dear and one moments peace
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@JulieY I think we' ve all kept our secrets...its good that you could share here..and dont ever worry that you will be judged. We want to have everyone have that perfect image of our partner but the thing is, we are all human and we all make mistakes in our lives. If you feel like sharing with a friend, relative, maybe even a pastor at your church, you will feel it when the time is right, if not thats ok too.  Its ok to be angry, most of us have been there, seems to be a part of the grieving process,  we get so many feelings through this journey and they are " normal" for this journey. I wish you peace and love, and to find a way through your money issues. Someone is always here to listen without judging.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, JulieY said:

 A roommate would be great, plenty of room....unfortunately I'm, at best, 40 minutes away from anything remotely considered civilization.  I suppose someone might be willing to commute (like I do) but I haven't had any luck thus far.  Add to that that I'm a smoker and my chances are very slim and none.

I'm 1 1/4 hours away from the city, also living in a remote area, so I understand.  Is there any way you could smoke on a porch or patio so it wouldn't bother a roommate?  I understand the dilemma as my sister smokes inside her house and I have allergies and Asthma that prohibit my being around it.  I wish you well though and it could be you might find a smoking roommate that would welcome the privilege!

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, JulieY said:

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come back.  I was scared that I wouldn't be accepted.

I've a friend coming over for a glass of wine in a bit, so I'll come back later or tomorrow to talk.  But I wanted to say that I understand your fear about being accepted.  I'm so very glad you took a chance.  As you can see, you are already part of our community now.  And we do not judge you or your fiance.  None of us is perfect.  Period.

When I started my first thread I wondered if anyone would respond.  I was relieved when they did and when they were so welcoming.

[JulieY]

Here's another hard truth.  I hate change.  Deal with it badly.  I know nobody likes change, but I really, really hate it.  I want nothing more than to wake up tomorrow and have all these changes be just a dream.  Since I can't have that, I am in this place where I can't take any more changes.  A roommate is a change.  A new and better paying job is a change.  Telling anyone in my life what really happened is a change.  Heck, smoking outside is a change.  I just can't....and I know I'm making it harder on myself.  I know it.  But, I just can't.  I need stability and this pathetic existence is at least stable, even if no one would call it anywhere near positive.  No more changes, not now.  I just can't stand any more right now.  I guess I'd rather be poor and live in a house that is not anywhere near what I'd like it to be than have anything else change right now.  Add to that, I don't have anyone in my life I trust enough to tell this, any of this, to.  Tonight, I am angry still.  Most of the time, I feel like I hate the man I loved and I REALLY hate that he left me in this situation out of his own selfish stupidity and I just hate that I feel the way I do.  I didn't know I could hate like this, but I guess you learn something new every day.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Or the next day.

[KayC]

I wrote this article at ten years out and hope something in it will be of help to you...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Billie Rae]

@JulieY I completely understand about change,I absolutely need routine if I change one thing my whole day feels wrong.I start work at 9 but still get up at 4 because Charlie was a carpenter and I had to get up and make breakfast and lunch,on holidays when he was off I would be mad that he was home in my space but now I have to move and I'm distraught about it.I also understand the hate/love Charlie was so lazy around the house,I think he had untreated depression but if I said something he would deny so he left me in this crappy house that's cold(had to shut off the gas,the furnace was unsafe and he had a hoard around it)dirty because the walls are unfinished and it makes its own dirt and he left me broke because he didn't want to work extra hours that were offered.Yup I hate him a lot.I loved him because he let me be me(have a dominant personality)but I hate that he never helped me or had any drive to better our life.I sometimes think I'm better off without him but then I think of how hard he died and my heart breaks.sooo.Love to you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JulieY]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

I wrote this article at ten years out and hope something in it will be of help to you...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Your article is very helpful and I welcome the hugs, but I'm not sure I can follow some of your ideas.  I can't have a dog right now (although I wish I could) because of the hours I'm away from home.  But I adopted a cat from our local shelter.  She was too young to even be away from her mother, dropped on the side of the road with the rest of her litter.  Only 2 survived.  My Abbey is one of those two.  She is always waiting by the door for me and has certainly helped me feel necessary and loved.  

I don't make friends easily.  I work in a male-dominated industry and grew up many miles from where I now live.  My family is at best 4 hours drive from my home.  My two best friends are dead, one from a heart attack, another from liver failure.  In case there's confusion, neither of these is my fiance.  I've just had a run of really bad luck.  I am trying a new church this coming Sunday.  I hope the minister there doesn't think the whole world is a rose garden and might actually be able to counsel me, since I really can't afford any more bills right now.  I have no insurance, no doctor and no money, so let's hope I find help there.  I try, every day, to love the Lord, but I'm angry at Him too, which makes my situation just that much more painful.

Getting out is a whole other can of worms.  I have very poor vision.  I can't drive when it's dark.  I live in the middle of nowhere.  Did I mention I have no extra money?  My social life is impossible at best.  I've tried going out to a club with the one friend I have left and it was just uncomfortable, filled with drunken people half my age.  I feel like I've made a bed that there's no getting out of.  I wouldn't have chosen to live where I live if I'd known what was going to happen, but here I am.  And, I'm angry at myself, my dead fiance, God and the world at large.  And, while I know the anger is eating me up inside, I just am so darn angry.  

 

11 hours ago, KayC said:

 

 

[foreverhis]

On 3/20/2019 at 8:15 PM, JulieY said:

I've had so many friends disappear after he died, it's like a divorce only worse.  I suppose they don't know what to say so they don't say anything at all.  Your post has touched me. 

Hi, Julie.  I'm glad I was able to give you some insights and, I hope, some comfort that you are not alone.

Losing friends is so common that it's practically universal.  I almost want to tell people that they should expect it and then if it doesn't happen, they can be happily surprised.  The people we thought would be there, even ones who said they would, often aren't.  You've hit on one of the main reasons, I think.  Others are that we're a nasty reminder that something like this could happen to them.  Our society would rather ignore the realities of death and grieving, so we hide our heads in the sand and ignore it.  That means they ignore us.

On 3/20/2019 at 8:15 PM, JulieY said:

It's an incredible house, if you can see the promise....but I can't make the repairs that it needs.  And, I don't know how to make it a home anymore.

I wrote to a friend that one of the hardest things has been going from living in a warm and loving home to simply existing in a house.  It's not a home because the wonderful, imperfect man I adore beyond reason is no longer here to share it with me.  It's perfectly normal to have these feelings.  Will that change over time?  I'll have to let you know.  We're all different in how we react as we go through this horrible journey.  Right now and maybe forever, I have to take it one bit at a time.  I don't know if it helps you to know that your feelings are so common, but I hope so.

And boy do I understand not being able to just throw money at the house to get all the repairs and upgrades done.  We were just finishing planning a desperately needed wall-to-wall kitchen remodel that we'd planned on doing for 10 years.  Certainly we had a budget, but we had a couple of indulgences (basically one for each of us).  Fortunately, it's a small kitchen, so I'm still planning the work, but I've had to scale back the "extras."  I am kind of dreading how I'll feel and react as I see our vision come to life.  We had similar tastes, but I am changing a couple of small things that we had compromised on to what I preferred.  (As in, "Well, I like the other one, but you really love this one.)   Other projects I simply won't be able to afford or will also have to scale back.

I'm having to spend more money on some of the outside projects because I can't do them alone.  I wrote recently how a contractor we've used twice before finished the third phase of the project that he and my husband had designed.  Our contractor added in all the fence and gate repairs/upgrades my love and I had planned to do ourselves, but only asked me to pay for materials and a small token for the use of his personal equipment.  It was a nice reminder that good people do care.  The hardest part of all this isn't actually sweating over the costs--though I do sweat that a lot--it's making the choices by myself.

Thank you for explaining your situation.  I wish I had good advice, but with housing in depressed areas, there's not much you can do but ride it out and see what happens.  I get what you mean about seeing the promise because when my husband first walked into our older, smaller home, he saw what it could become over the years.  It was in our price range, didn't need work right away, and has a gorgeous view.  Your anger at your love for having left you with a house that needs so much work seems perfectly reasonable to me.  You're reminded of it every day.  How can you help but feel abandoned?

I understand what you mean about change.  You've had just about the hardest change any of us will ever face, so you're right to say no to any more for now.  I suspect that even if you did find a roommate, it would just be another reminder of the devastating changes you have already faced.  That would possibly make you even angrier.  You're smart to realize that adding more stress and anger is not a good thing.

On 3/20/2019 at 8:15 PM, JulieY said:

I have not been sleeping again.  I think you're right.  I need to tell SOMEONE the 'secret'.  It's eating me up inside.  I just don't know who to tell it to.... How terrible is it that I have been on this Earth for 51 years and I don't have a single person I trust to tell this to?  That's just depressing.

Please, I urge you to talk to your doctor about whether medication would be beneficial.  My doctor prescribed me an anti-anxiety med that also helps with sleep.  I'm still not sleeping through the night, but I am getting 4-5 hours in a row.  I am also taking an anti-depressant for the time being.  I think it's helping a little bit, but time will tell if it makes a real difference.

The secret you are keeping is a darn big one, so it's not surprising that you find yourself unable to trust anyone with it.  It is depressing to realize that we can't count on others.  I fear for you that the anger that goes along with it will continue to harm your own mental and physical health.  You are absolutely entitled to feel fierce anger, which is then thrown in with all the love you feel.  It must be a real stew of conflicting emotions for you.  If there are any grief support groups locally, the facilitator/counselor may have a recommendation for a private counselor who works on a sliding scale.  Even a few sessions with a professional who will not judge you or your fiance might allow you to relieve some of the pressure you are bottling up along with your fiance's secret and your anger.  If you haven't already, I suggest you go ahead and yell at your love either in writing or simply at home alone out loud.  Tell him what this has done to you and don't hold back.  Whether he can hear you or not is not the point.  The point is that any release you can find may help.

The anger you feel in no way diminishes the love you and he had for each other.  I think that's really important to remember.  Please continue to come here to vent, rant, question, cry, and anything else that will help you get through the days, weeks, and months ahead.  As you have discovered, not only will we accept you just as you are, we will listen and help in whatever ways we can.  I have found this forum to be quite helpful.

I'm sending you my biggest hugs and a prayer for all of us to find a little peace and comfort.

[KayC]

Those "tips" aren't a one size fits all for everyone, they're just thrown out there as ideas or suggestions for consideration.  I am in the same boat with my eyes, I can't drive at night and that really does cut down on fun things which happen to be in the evening!  You have a cat, and that's company to come home to, so I'm glad of that.

The anger is understandable and we really can feel all kinds of emotions at the same time, all of them valid, and remembering they are just feelings, don't have to make sense to anyone else, but valid in terms of grief all the same.

I hope you do find help coming here, the people are so understanding here, it helps.  Wishing you peace and comfort as you try to make your way through this.

[JulieY]

 

On 3/23/2019 at 3:36 PM, foreverhis said:

Please, I urge you to talk to your doctor about whether medication would be beneficial.  My doctor prescribed me an anti-anxiety med that also helps with sleep.  I'm still not sleeping through the night, but I am getting 4-5 hours in a row.  I am also taking an anti-depressant for the time being.  I think it's helping a little bit, but time will tell if it makes a real difference.

 If you haven't already, I suggest you go ahead and yell at your love either in writing or simply at home alone out loud.  Tell him what this has done to you and don't hold back.  Whether he can hear you or not is not the point.  The point is that any release you can find may help.

 

@foreverhis I'm afraid that while your suggestion of visiting a doctor is a good one, I just can't.  I have no health insurance.  I can't afford a doctor, less likely the medication.  I've had the 'creeping crud' that's going around in our area for over a month.  I'm better now, but probably still need a prescription I just can't afford.  NyQuil and Vick's Vapor Rub have kept me going thus far.

I tried your other suggestion.  Last evening, I stood in the living room (where he died) and yelled at him.  I told him what a complete a** he'd been, how he shouldn't have left me holding this HUGE bag of poop.  I cursed and screamed and wound up crying.  Abbey the cat was freaked out, but you know what?  I felt a bit better afterwards.  Who knew a grown woman could have a temper tantrum and feel better afterwards?  Since I chickened out on the new church thus far (change, again, oh my God), it actually did help.  I also slept last night, all night, for the first time in I can't remember when.  So, here's to temper tantrums.  

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, JulieY said:

Who knew a grown woman could have a temper tantrum and feel better afterwards? 

Well, I've got to tell you that I wouldn't have thought so either until I had my first emotional meltdown at the hospital.  It helps to just get it out, even if it's only by ourselves and without knowing if we're really being "heard" by our loves, God, or anyone at all.  I lost count of the number of times I ended up sobbing, trying not to scream, unable to speak coherently at the hospital, rehab, or home.  In private (often in the car), I yelled that God had better let him come through it; I bargained; I begged.  At home after he died, I ranted periodically when I could not hold it inside.  I still do sometimes, come to think of it.

I'm so glad you were able to sleep through the night.  I figure we should take our small blessings wherever and whenever we can.

By all means, have those temper tantrums!  Because what they really do is let you release some of your anger and pain, even though it's still with you inside.  I think the benefits of yelling and ranting like a toddler are highly underrated.

I don't mean to nag (too much), but have you checked if there are clinics in your area for those without health insurance?  Your county health department might have resources to help you.  I do understand about not being able to afford care or pay for insurance.  My husband and I went without for a number of years.  It's gut wrenching and honestly revolting that in our rich country we have so many millions doing without or, as my hubby and I have done even when we got insurance again, having to figure out if they can afford the co-pays and rapidly rising costs.  Argh!  It's just one more stress you should not have to deal with right now (or ever, really).

I am sending you hugs and prayers and every bit of comfort possible.  I will be thinking of you tonight and hoping you are able to sleep once again.  Please take care of yourself as best you can.  Come here to talk, rant, cry, question, and just be with people who really do understand what you are going through and how painful your life is right now.

[KayC]

Yes and when I had obamacare I couldn't afford to use it, by the time I paid the premiums, there was nothing left over!  Deductibles too high and they never seemed to cover anything I needed.

Along the lines of grown up temper tantrums, I live in the country, and I remember taking walks in the woods on USFS trails late at night and screaming at the top of my lungs.  I'm sure I scared away many wild animals!

[Billie Rae]

I too have had the"creeping crud"for 3 weeks and a pinch in my back.I work for myself and can't afford insurance and make 400$a year to much to qualify for any kind of assistance.JulieY I've been ordering clear lungs off Amazon and it helped my chest.I use a lot of alternative herbal remedies(after talking with my vitamin shop and research)and that's how I get by.As for the tantrums,oh yes they help and feel so good after.I scream and throw things(unbreakable[emoji23])and have total meltdowns.
I love you guys.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

Billie Rae,

I'm sorry you're sick, I went through that a couple of months ago.  I wish they did things more on a sliding scale, I'm sure you'd gladly give up the $400/year to have health insurance!  Those cut off points are so arbitrary.  When you're that close to the line, you can little afford their premiums.

[Billie Rae]

@Kayc Thank you.yes those cutoff points,if I don't make that 400 I qualify for Medicaid but the lowest premium on Obama care is 1250 per year and I can't afford that and that's for basic care and high deductibles so I'll just wait until I'm eligible for Medicare.Its funny too they use last year's income including Charlie's even though he's gone for my premium so maybe in 2020 I'll qualify for something.
Love you.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JulieY]

On 3/26/2019 at 11:47 AM, Billie Rae said:

I too have had the"creeping crud"for 3 weeks and a pinch in my back.I work for myself and can't afford insurance and make 400$a year to much to qualify for any kind of assistance.JulieY I've been ordering clear lungs off Amazon and it helped my chest.I use a lot of alternative herbal remedies(after talking with my vitamin shop and research)and that's how I get by.As for the tantrums,oh yes they help and feel so good after.I scream and throw things(unbreakable[emoji23])and have total meltdowns.
I love you guys.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

I'll look for clear lungs on Amazon next week.  At this point, I'll try anything.  I'm leaving tomorrow (on a bus) to visit my aunt.  I turn 52 on Sunday and after this past Christmas, I'm not going to spend any special days or holidays by myself.  Sitting over last Christmas for 5 solid days by myself was just .... not good.  Really bad, actually.  I scared some people who love me (and myself), so now I am taking the bus tomorrow and will be back late Monday.  In case anyone is wondering, I'm taking the bus for two reasons.  One, I don't want to put any more miles on my car than I have to and Two, I hate driving on the interstate.  I don't know if I'll be able to post between now and then or not.

 

On 3/26/2019 at 1:50 AM, foreverhis said:

I don't mean to nag (too much), but have you checked if there are clinics in your area for those without health insurance?  Your county health department might have resources to help you.  I do understand about not being able to afford care or pay for insurance.  My husband and I went without for a number of years.  It's gut wrenching and honestly revolting that in our rich country we have so many millions doing without or, as my hubby and I have done even when we got insurance again, having to figure out if they can afford the co-pays and rapidly rising costs.  Argh!  It's just one more stress you should not have to deal with right now (or ever, really).

I am sending you hugs and prayers and every bit of comfort possible.  I will be thinking of you tonight and hoping you are able to sleep once again.  Please take care of yourself as best you can.  Come here to talk, rant, cry, question, and just be with people who really do understand what you are going through and how painful your life is right now.

It's unfortunate, but I have looked into the local clinics.  I looked into the local legal aid society back when I needed it.  I make too much money (insert laugh track here).  The sliding scale winds up too much.  Maybe it's different in some places, but they don't seem to take into account the outgoing vs. the incoming at all.  I just can't afford it.  I have to find a way through this that doesn't cost anything at all because most weeks, I'm lucky if I have enough to buy gas and some tuna fish & bread.  Thank goodness my poor little car gets such good gas mileage!!!  I applied for welfare and food stamps, same story.  I make too much money.  I just don't get it.  The bills I have to pay were do-able on two incomes but not so much on one.  I have to get up at 5am for the bus tomorrow, so I hope I sleep too!!

I'm really excited about my trip (except the bus ride lol!)  We are going to The Wick Museum, which is all kinds of cool costumes and stuff from musicals and I just LOVE musicals!!  My aunt (who doesn't love musicals) is taking me because she knows I do.  How nice is that?  If I don't see you wonderful people between now and when I get home, have a really great weekend!

[foreverhis]

@JulieY  Well, rats (and stronger words).  I know the frustration of making just a little too much to receive any help.  It's simply ridiculous and unfair.  So many people cannot get medical care or can't get it without going bankrupt.  How anyone can think it is right is beyond me.

I hope you are able to get over your illness. That's just one more stress on your body and mind--and you do not need that.

[Billie Rae]

JulieY,I'm in the same boat.I too make to much to qualify for any assistance,with both of us we made more than enough to pay the bills but just me?[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23].I also at 57(and used to be a truck driver)hate the Seattle freeway,when I go to my family reunion that is 60 miles south I go north to the ferry then drive down highway 101 to get there.Its 110 miles but on the freeway it takes 4 hours in traffic and going around only takes 2 hours.have a good weekend
Love to all
Billie

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[KayC]

On 3/27/2019 at 8:14 AM, Billie Rae said:

hey use last year's income including Charlie's even though he's gone for my premium

Unless there's a qualifying even and his death and loss of income count as a qualifying event.  They should have taken that into consideration.  You can prove what you have coming in now, that's all they should need.  I know, I was paying hundreds/month (total $1200+/mo.) for my share of obamacare and it never covered anything!  Deductible too high.  I had to pay to have eye surgery (I had a large cyst on my eyeball) out of pocket on top of the premiums I was paying.  I hear you, anything but affordable!

[KayC]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I know the frustration of making just a little too much to receive any help. 

The story of my life!

Julie hang in there, I pray you and Billie Rae make your way through this, God I know it's hard!

[Billie Rae]

Kayc,as long as I can work I'll get by.After I move I'm planning on taking a weekend client and paying off our credit cards and mycar,that should take about 3 years.then I can see some light.

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[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I go north to the ferry then drive down highway 101 to get there.

Got to say that's exactly the kind of thing my husband would suggest when we were visiting our daughter in Ballard.  One time we took the ferry, drove down 3 and 16 (I think that's right) and then ferried back over south of downtown to get to Sea-Tac just because it was pretty.  Besides, taking the ferry lets us relax a little.  Do you take Edmonds-Kingston and then drive down skirting Olympic NP?  Gorgeous.

(Sorry, that was kind of OT.  But I was picturing that beautiful drive.)

[JES]

I too had Obamacare, legs on little stool ( plantstand really) collapsed on me and I fell and broke wrist, had to have surgery, pins and plate put in; over $6000.00 deductible. Still making payments.....  I guess I was lucky as total bill was a lot more.   I feel for you, it’s scary to not have insurance, and not be able to get any help. Hope you both get well soon.  

[Billie Rae]

@Foreverhis yes the Edmonds-Kingston then through Pulsbo and down 101 to Shelton.You probably took the bridge to Tacoma,where you turn left for the bridge is go right to Shelton.Its wonderful that you know my area,if you ever come to see your daughter we can meet[emoji16]I'm 3.5 miles from Ballard in Shoreline.

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[Billie Rae]

@Jes wow,that's awful.I can't do Obama care,actually Washington is one of the 6 states that has its own system and I still have to wait until I can qualify for Medicaid and then medicare.I should be able to get Medicaid next year.

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[foreverhis]

21 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

.Its wonderful that you know my area,if you ever come to see your daughter we can meet[emoji16]I'm 3.5 miles from Ballard in Shoreline.

I'd love to meet you.  I'm not sure when I'll be up to going up next, but I will let you know!

Growing up, I had family in southern Oregon (North Bend) and Portland.  We spent a fair amount of time visiting, including several times up to Seattle, and also camping all along the Sierras and Cascades.  I well remember my first trip to Mt. Rainier.  It was July and there was still snow.  For a 7 y/o California coastie girl, it was a stunning sight.  One year, my parents dropped us kids off at my grandma's house and then continued on to Seattle to the World's Fair.  I was 4 and my brother was 2, so I get why they didn't take us with them.  Plus we loved staying with our grandma.

When our daughter moved to Seattle, my husband and I visited when we could.  One time we stayed on the tug boat on south Lake Union.  What a hoot.  Another time we popped over to Whidbey for several days while she worked during the week.  Once we flew to Vancouver (BC), stayed on the UBC campus for several days, and then took a 4 day end-of-season cruise from Vancouver to Seattle to stay with our daughter.  I hadn't been to Vancouver since I was kid.  We loved exploring the area.

But this past decade, we'd mostly stay with our girls and just spend time together, exploring here and there.  So much fun to see places we know well through our granddaughter's eyes.  And even more fun to discover places new to all of us.  Now it will never be the same.  It makes me cry for all of us, especially my love.  He and our granddaughter had a bond that was rare and precious.

Well, enough for now.  Let's see if I can get some sleep.  I look forward to meeting you one of these days, my friend. 

(Edit for @JulieY:  Sorry to have gone so far off topic.  Sometimes threads end up twisting and turning, but I'm afraid I got pretty caught up in shared experiences unrelated to your subject on this one.)

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

After I move I'm planning on taking a weekend client and paying off our credit cards and mycar,that should take about 3 years.then I can see some light.

It's good you have a plan.  I hope you don't get burned out though and that you can take a vacation, even if it's nothing fancy, just a respite from work!

[KayC]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'd love to meet you.  I'm not sure when I'll be up to going up next, but I will let you know!

Growing up, I had family in southern Oregon (North Bend) and Portland.

I'd love to meet you too!  If you're ever near Oakridge, Eugene, Salem area, let me know when you're coming through!

[Billie Rae]

It's good you have a plan.  I hope you don't get burned out though and that you can take a vacation, even if it's nothing fancy, just a respite from work!

I have a family reunion each August and I go stay at a resort for 3 days.lucky me I love my job,sometimes i can't believe I get paid for it,My client is like a sister to me and the whole family has adopted me and I get to PLAY WITH KITTENS all day so it's not stressful at all its more my second home.

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[KayC]

That sounds like a job made to order!  

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I'd love to meet you too!  If you're ever near Oakridge, Eugene, Salem area, let me know when you're coming through!

I have cousins in Eugene who I haven't seen in years.  Who knows, I may take the train up and make a stopover in your neck of the woods one of these days.  It would be great to meet you.