How do I survive this loss?

[This_is_me]

I lost my wife, my best friend, my soul mate two weeks ago as a result of post partum preeclampsia, exactly one week after child birth. 

I have two boys to care for at the moment (2 year old and 3 weeks old). Currently, life is meaningless to me and the only thing keeping me going is the two boys. 

She complained of headache after we got home from the hospital but we felt it was as a result of the injection (epidural) from the caesarean section. She also had an unstable blood pressure and we all felt it was part of the recovery process. 

Suddenly, she convulsed and died before getting to the hospital. I have been in excruciating pain since the incident.

I can't seem to overcome the guilt and what-ifs.. What if I had taken her to the hospital earlier? What if we didn't ignore the symptoms? 

We had our future carefully mapped out and a lot of dreams and aspirations to fulfil... But the future has been snatched away from us. 

How do I cope and survive with this great loss? 

[beaniele]

I lost my wife, my best friend, my soul mate two weeks ago as a result of post partum preeclampsia, exactly one week after child birth. 
I have two boys to care for at the moment (2 year old and 3 weeks old). Currently, life is meaningless to me and the only thing keeping me going is the two boys. 
She complained of headache after we got home from the hospital but we felt it was as a result of the injection (epidural) from the caesarean section. She also had an unstable blood pressure and we all felt it was part of the recovery process. 
Suddenly, she convulsed and died before getting to the hospital. I have been in excruciating pain since the incident.
I can't seem to overcome the guilt and what-ifs.. What if I had taken her to the hospital earlier? What if we didn't ignore the symptoms? 
We had our future carefully mapped out and a lot of dreams and aspirations to fulfil... But the future has been snatched away from us. 
How do I cope and survive with this great loss? 

So very, very sorry for your loss.

Linda

[Sunflower2]

@This_is_meWe understand the pain and the loss.  It is beyond excruciating. Your heart, your life and your soul has been shattered so suddenly. There will be people who will be with you.  Please feel the loss.  Reach out. Know that what you are experiencing is normal with a loss of this magnitude. 

Warm thoughts and prayers are with you. My heart is with you!

[HPB]

So sad, so devastating, my heart goes out to you!

Everybody finding himself in this forum is experiencing the horrible loss of the love of life, but when this tragedy is related to/coinciding with childbirth, the anguish and desperation seems to have a further depth beyond imagination.

So I remember very well when a "similar" fate coming to this forum touched me to the core: https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/14230-passed-away-after-childbirth/

When we are in this kind of torment, I think we are best understood and helped from people in a similar situation, so may be you want to reach out to @loveboo

Concerning guilt and what-ifs: This is a very hard part of the grief, and applies for many if not all. But we can not see into the future, and the decisions we made at a specific time was the best we could do in this very moment. That said, I'm still struggling with guilt.

Please accept my sympathy!

 

[This_is_me]

Thanks.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, HPB said:

Concerning guilt and what-ifs: This is a very hard part of the grief, and applies for many if not all. But we can not see into the future, and the decisions we made at a specific time was the best we could do in this very moment. That said, I'm still struggling with guilt.

It's the same for me.  I still go through the "Why did/didn't we...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." and all of that. 

@This_is_me  HPB is absolutely spot on about everything.  (And @HPB thank you for finding @loveboo.  His posts were the first thing I thought of too, as they had touched me deeply.)

I can only offer you my deepest sympathies.  I hope you will reach out to loveboo.

[This_is_me]

Thanks @foreverhis and @HPB. I would try to do as you have advised. 

[KayC]

I also had preeclampsia when pregnant with my kids, never would I have expected to die from it.  BP was high, they kept an eye on it, but I thought it eased up after childbirth.  This isn't something you could have or would have known, that was on the doctors, they shouldn't have released her from the hospital if she wasn't stable!  All of the what ifs you're mulling over is common in grief, it's as if we're looking for a different ending and trying to wrap our heads around something we can't even fathom, but there's only one reality and that's what happened.  I'm glad you have the boys to focus on, they will keep you busy and give you some purpose.  

I am so sorry for your loss, it changed everything in a moment, I know, it's hard to grapple with.

HPB, thank you for sharing that!

[This_is_me]

Thanks @KayC, I appreciate your comment. 

[loveboo]

I'm sorry, I wish I had some motivating words to say but I'm still drowning in my own grief.

I do understand what you are feeling.  I've felt everything from sadness to guilt to anger in various and unpredictable cycles.  Some of the things I think I'm afraid will scare people.

All I have decided is that this world is too cruel.  This is not what either of our wives deserved first and foremost.  Then this is not what our children deserved, to need to grow up without a mother.  And finally, this is not what we as spouses deserved.

I truly hope that you have family and friends nearby that can help you.  I decided to move back in with my parents.  About a seven hour drive from where my wife and I lived.  My mom has been helping with the baby so that I can get some time everyday to grieve.  It's still hard.  I constantly wonder how I can keep going, how easy it would be to just end everything.  But my beloved wife, gave me this beautiful and most sacred gift in our daughter.  I just want to live until I can walk her down the aisle and give her hand to someone she loves as much as her mom and I loved.

[KayC]

loveboo, it's good that you keep that uppermost in your mind and let it motivate you to keep going for your daughter.  I hope you find ways to let her know how great is your love between you and her mom, it doesn't die when they do.

[Sunflower2]

16 hours ago, loveboo said:

I decided to move back in with my parents.  About a seven hour drive from where my wife and I lived.  My mom has been helping with the baby so that I can get some time everyday to grieve.  It's still hard.  I constantly wonder how I can keep going, how easy it would be to just end everything.  But my beloved wife, gave me this beautiful and most sacred gift in our daughter.  I just want to live until I can walk her down the aisle and give her hand to someone she loves as much as her mom and I loved.

even in your pain I find this inspiring. thank you @loveboo

[foreverhis]

On 2/18/2019 at 3:05 PM, loveboo said:

I'm sorry, I wish I had some motivating words to say but I'm still drowning in my own grief.

I think what you've written in your post here is motivating in ways you may not see.  Even floundering and drowning in your grief, you took the time to write about what you've been doing and how you are trying to cope.

You and your wife created a blessed gift to each other.  Your beautiful daughter needs you to show her what love is.  She needs you so she will also know her mother.  She needs you to be there so that she will know her life is precious to you.  She needs to know that the love you and your wife have for each other is eternal.  And most of all your beloved wife needs you to do all those things for her.  Sometimes it will probably seem these are impossible tasks.  I hope in time you will be able to see your wife alive in the look of your daughter's eyes or in the little gestures that were uniquely your love's.

Sometimes when I'm really down and don't know how I'm going to make it through this darkness and pain, I remind myself that our daughter deserves to have her mom with her for a while longer and our granddaughter deserves to have me around while she finishes growing up.  I owe it to her to make sure she continues to know that her grandpa adored her beyond measure and would never have left us on purpose.  It's hard for me to remember that sometimes.  I can't begin to imagine how much harder, more painful that is for you.

I feel certain we are all sending love and hugs for both you and your daughter.

[foreverhis]

@This_is_me  Most of what I wrote above to @loveboo applies to you as well.

It will probably seem impossible at times and for a long time, but the gifts you and your wife gave each other are priceless.  Whenever your grief threatens to drag you down into permanent darkness, please try to see the two little glimmers of light who are your sons.  They need you and your wife needs you to be there for them, no matter how painful, unbearable your grief is.

I'm afraid that the only way you can make it through is the same way most of us do.  One day, one hour, one thought at a time.  No matter what anyone tells you, the choices you make are yours alone.  What others believe you should or should not do is immaterial.  Please do come here often to rant, to question, or just to talk.  The members here have been a great help to me.  Before I joined at the end of last year, I was floundering around and feeling hopeless.  Now I've allowed in tiny hints of light and hope.  They are tiny and they are not constant, but they do exist.

I'm so very sorry for your and your sons' loss.  My heart and deepest sympathy go out to you.

[loveboo]

These are the four things I constantly say out loud like a mantra.

"I love you so much."

"I miss you so much."

"Thank you for everything."

"I am so sorry."

The last two usually hits me pretty hard.

[foreverhis]

These are the things I say to my love each day:

Good morning, love

I miss you so much

I need you to come home now

I love you so much

How am I supposed to do this alone?

I'm sorry I let you down

Please forgive my faults and failures

Wait for me, you promised

[Billie Rae]

The things I say.
Hi honey
I need you here
I'm so so sorry you suffered so much
Do you miss me too
I'm trying because you told me to but it's hard.
I love you
As foreverhis said one day one hour one minute if needed.Your children need you now more than anything as they grow you will see a part of your wives in them.Even in this hell of pain and confusion the babies are a piece of them so hold on with all your heart teach them love and grace.My heart is with you and I am so very sorry.
Keep coming here,everyone here has made me feel less alone and less crazy.Its a sorrowful place to make friends but here we are all in this together.
Billie

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[foreverhis]

@loveboo  You're right that some things are very hard to say, but in my opinion, it's better that we do. 

I need to believe that he hears me and knows how very much I love him.  I hope that he remembers I tried my very imperfect best for him.  Talking to him is one of the ways I make it through each day.  I don't talk to him constantly, but I remind him that we belong to each other for always.  Not that he needs reminding, but I need to say it for myself, for my heart.

I suppose in a way those things I listed are my daily mantra, though aside from "Good morning, love" I don't say them in any particular order.  I ask for his help and sometimes "talk through" things with him.  Everything that I've never done or never done by myself can seem so overwhelming.  And then when I come up with an answer or figure out something, I say, "Thanks, love."

When you say your mantra, you are reinforcing your bond with your soulmate.  That is a very good thing, even when it's difficult and painful.  I think I understand the kind of dark thoughts you have because I have had them too.  I suspect every one of us here has had those thoughts at some point.  I hope some day when your daughter is old enough that you will tell her all the wonderful, loving memories of her mom.  And I hope when that day comes that you will be able to smile just a bit remembering them because she will be living on in your heart and through your daughter's love.

I'm sending big hugs for you and your sweet daughter.  It's wonderful that your parents are helping you through this impossibly painful time.

[This_is_me]

Thanks @loveboo, I also moved in with my parents and they are helping out with the kids. 

@foreverhis, I must confess, the only strength I have at the moment is for my kids. I have no strength whatsoever to face the world at the moment. I can't even go to work. I have been postponing my resumption since last week. Coupled with the fact that my workplace is far from my parents place and close to where I live with my wife and kids .... Meaning I would be forced to stay alone in an empty house when I resume work ... Sighs.. 

Thanks @everyone for your comments. They are indeed appreciated. 

I can't underestimate the fact that my life is currently messed up at the moment. We (Myself, wife and kids) were planning to relocate abroad in April later this year while I go for my PhD in another country after settling them (my family) down.

My wife's traveling docs came in during the funeral and I am currently at a loss as to how to proceed with my life at the moment.

If I may add, my PhD supervisor is already expecting to see me and currently loosing patience with me since 2018 when I got the admission. 

Everything is just messed up at the moment and I am still numb at my reality. 

***gosh***

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, This_is_me said:

I have no strength whatsoever to face the world at the moment.

How could it be otherwise?  The only things you need to focus on are yourself and your sons.  Nothing else matters at this point.  I'm relieved to hear that your parents are helping you.  I hope you aren't putting any pressure on yourself about anything.  I hope no one in your life is either. 

What a cruel twist of fate that your wife's travel documents came when they did.  As if you haven't enough pain in your life.  I'm sorry to hear that.

All I can really offer is my deepest sympathy and hope that the support you are receiving from your parents is helping you and your wonderful sons.

 

[JES]

@This_is_me Offering my deepest sympathy for the loss of your wife. I feel for you, your wife and your little boys. Life just isnt fair....  I am thankful that you have your parents to help you. No one should have to make a big decision at a time like this. My heart goes out to you, and your family.  Hugs

@loveboo  You also have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your wife.  I can't imagine how hard this must be, my thoughts and prayers with you and your family also. Hugs.

 

 

[KayC]

@This_is_me

I am so sorry, you are facing so much, it has to feel overwhelming and undoable.  I'm glad you have your parents helping you with the kids.  I don't know if you want to change your plans to move as you don't have your wife to help you with the kids now, but right now it is so soon to even try to think of what to do.  Right now it's enough to get up and get dressed.  My heart goes out to you, I wish your PhD Supervisor was more understanding, but unfortunately, unless someone experiences this, they can't begin to fathom what it's like.  Maybe a doctor's excuse for work for a while?  I don't know, I suppose they have their policies in place.  Can you talk to Human Resource?

[This_is_me]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

@This_is_me

I am so sorry, you are facing so much, it has to feel overwhelming and undoable.  I'm glad you have your parents helping you with the kids.  I don't know if you want to change your plans to move as you don't have your wife to help you with the kids now, but right now it is so soon to even try to think of what to do.  Right now it's enough to get up and get dressed.  My heart goes out to you, I wish your PhD Supervisor was more understanding, but unfortunately, unless someone experiences this, they can't begin to fathom what it's like.  Maybe a doctor's excuse for work for a while?  I don't know, I suppose they have their policies in place.  Can you talk to Human Resource?

Thanks for your response. It is indeed appreciated. I am of the opinion that canceling my family's relocation plan would mean accepting the blow I have been dealt with and getting stuck on a spot. I know I will eventually find a way out of this situation... I may not see it yet, but I am hoping something will come up later. 

As for my PhD, I might as well go once my visa is out. I am believing it would give me an opportunity for a change of environment and allow me clear my head (I hope this doesn't equate to running away from my grief, which I learnt is not good).  

Thanks for reading my ramblings. 

[Billie Rae]

Its not running away from your grief as long as you are aware.One month in against all written advice,I'm moving out of our house,not to run away from grief or memories but because I truly don't like the house never did and because for the last year it has been a place of misery,the place where all my bad happened.I know that to recover some part of real life I must change my environment both physically and socially.You need to do what feels right for you and your family,even in grief you have your children to care for.Some of us don't fit the general patterns of the journey and I know now that I am alone I'm the one responsible for my future because I no longer have the financial security we had with 2 incomes but I still have to pay all our bills so if I waver now it would have lifetime consequences and Charlie wouldn't want me to drag myself down.Oh my dear,I am so sorry that you and your babies are going through this.I hope you can see what your wife would want for you.Talk to her,it helps.my heart to you and your children.

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[biene]

I lost my husband, best friend, and partner in crime for 41 years only 2 days ago due to undetected Pneumonia which infected all sorts of other organs. It took less than 20 hours until the ventilators were turned off. I am just stunned how fast all this happened and can’t wrap my head around it. I am so scared of the future. He was my world and the reason I got up in the morning. I cry a lot and sometimes I feel like someone is grabbing my insides and twisting. How will I handle such grief for years? I have absolutely no support. We just moved here recently and have not made any friends. No children and family lives in two different countries. This is a rural area and no groups nearby. I don’t mind being alone but it would be nice to have an option. Financially I’m toast. He took care of me while I worked in his home-based business. But without him, the business does not exist. Won’t be easy to find a job at 60. Oh, listen to me whine!
At the moment I am still very busy making arrangements, making lists of what has to be dealt with, in order of most to least important, just to have something to keep my mind busy. Hung his picture over my computer screen so he can watch over me and I see him every time I look up.
I am just happy that I found this blog and see many going through the same thing. Makes me feel not so alone. I miss him so very much already. Today there was a beautiful bird on our feeder and I turned around to tell him about it and the only thing a saw was his empty chair. I an so devistated.

[KayC]

@biene Moved this post to your thread...

[This_is_me]

Wonders shall never end in this journey of grief. Yesterday, a neighbour, in her attempt to console me said I should stop thinking about my loss and that she thinks my wife's death is even more painful to her than me.

Can you imagine such a statement?

She even made me feel worse in her attempt at making me feel better. 

 

[HPB]

3 hours ago, This_is_me said:

Wonders shall never end in this journey of grief. Yesterday, a neighbour,...

...today a befriended (German) couple from the place my wife and I lived abroad in Asia sent me by email some pictures from a trip they made to the country side. Amongst a few other pictures of a beach and rural houses was also a picture of remains from a human skeleton (From a local museum? I have no idea, but how attentive to send me stuff like that).

I replied "Thank you for the pictures" in the hope, that carelessness and own stupidity will also be part of everybodys life review upon leaving earthly realm.

[This_is_me]

14 minutes ago, HPB said:

...today a befriended (German) couple from the place my wife and I lived abroad in Asia sent me by email some pictures from a trip they made to the country side.

You can imagine the lack of sensitivity of some people who attempt to help in our grief. Isn't it better for them to say or do nothing than for them to hurt us even more? 

I can only imagine the stark and painful reminder of your great loss that the pictures would bring. 

I also feel this sharp and painful reminder from the depth of my soul anytime I see picture of couples with their kids... It reminds me of the great privilege my family has been deprived of. 

[SSC]

7 hours ago, This_is_me said:

Wonders shall never end in this journey of grief. Yesterday, a neighbour, in her attempt to console me said I should stop thinking about my loss and that she thinks my wife's death is even more painful to her than me.

Can you imagine such a statement?

She even made me feel worse in her attempt at making me feel better. 

 

um...I don't even know what to say to this.  Wow.  I am so sorry.  This absolutely makes no sense to me... 

 

3 hours ago, HPB said:

...today a befriended (German) couple from the place my wife and I lived abroad in Asia sent me by email some pictures from a trip they made to the country side. Amongst a few other pictures of a beach and rural houses was also a picture of remains from a human skeleton (From a local museum? I have no idea, but how attentive to send me stuff like that).

I replied "Thank you for the pictures" in the hope, that carelessness and own stupidity will also be part of everybodys life review upon leaving earthly realm.

My heart feels for you.  I am very sensitive to these things as well.  Most people do not understand how hurtful these things can be to us.  Its even difficult to explain unless you've been in our place.  I'm so sorry your friends did that.  

I can no longer tolerate gore or violence of any kind in the media.  It turns my stomach.  I was never a fan before, however, it seems to be everywhere especially here in The States.  It seems we have to make a conscience decision to stay away from it. 

[Billie Rae]

Oh my,I can't even imagine how someone could say such an insensitive thing like that.People don't seem to be able to filter what they say.I would rather they stay silent,do they think it's comforting when they say""he's in a better place"no no no,his best place was here with me!I'm so sorry this happened to you@hpb how horrible!let's hope this was a mistake rather than someone finding human remains fascinating.I think people need to learn compassion in contact with us.Think people think,what if it was your spouse?And they wonder why we withdraw

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[Pim]

5 hours ago, HPB said:

...today a befriended (German) couple from the place my wife and I lived abroad in Asia sent me by email some pictures from a trip they made to the country side. Amongst a few other pictures of a beach and rural houses was also a picture of remains from a human skeleton (From a local museum? I have no idea, but how attentive to send me stuff like that).

 

54 minutes ago, SSC said:

My heart feels for you.  I am very sensitive to these things as well.  Most people do not understand how hurtful these things can be to us.  Its even difficult to explain unless you've been in our place.  I'm so sorry your friends did that.  

I can no longer tolerate gore or violence of any kind in the media.  It turns my stomach.  I was never a fan before, however, it seems to be everywhere especially here in The States.  It seems we have to make a conscience decision to stay away from it. 

I can no longer tolerate violence or anything uncivil either. A friend of mine asked if I wanted to go to Creed II. Are you serious? Do you think I actually enjoy seeing men stomping each other to pulp and what more? No, thanks!

I did see Mary Poppins Returns though and I am not afraid to say that some scenes made me cry (for example the scene where the husband is in the attic and sings about his dear departed wife).

And if people think that makes me look like a big softy, well so be it :-)

 

[biene]

31 minutes ago, Pim said:

 

I can no longer tolerate violence or anything uncivil either. A friend of mine asked if I wanted to go to Creed II. Are you serious? Do you think I actually enjoy seeing men stomping each other to pulp and what more? No, thanks!

I did see Mary Poppins Returns though and I am not afraid to say that some scenes made me cry (for example the scene where the husband is in the attic and sings about his dear departed wife).

And if people think that makes me look like a big softy, well so be it :-)

 

And what, may I ask,  is wrong with being a big softy??  My grief is still too fresh to even turn on the TV.  Big hugs

[HPB]

3 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

how horrible!let's hope this was a mistake rather than someone finding human remains fascinating.

It was not a mistake. Meanwhile I figured out that it's from an archaeological excavation site. Of course they didn't think anything when sending me this, but this is the very problem: They don't think, they are ignorants!  I installed a very cheerful picture of my wife as wallpaper on my computer tablet, which by permantly seeing it helped me a lot to "overwrite" the (also) traumatic Japanese cremation ritual. If not having had a PTSD before, then this ritual was good enough to get one, so the thoughtless pics sent from careless friends really don't help.

I may be very sensible to these aspects, but it's good to see that many friends here in the forum think/feel similar. Thanks.

2 hours ago, Pim said:

I can no longer tolerate violence or anything uncivil either.

 

3 hours ago, SSC said:

I can no longer tolerate gore or violence of any kind in the media.  It turns my stomach.  I was never a fan before,

Exactly the same here. But we're living in a sick world, full of real violence and graphic content, and then movies and games with the same stuff finding a paying audience!?

I think our tragic experiences change us in various ways on a profound level.

[SSC]

Ha!  I cried during that Mary Poppins scene too!  Pain and grief is universal.  I’m glad I share the same feelings as you Pim! I’m in good company  

[Billie Rae]

Exactly the same here. But we're living in a sick world, full of real violence and graphic content, and then movies and games with the same stuff finding a paying audience!?
I think our tragic experiences change us in various ways on a profound level.

I think our all to real loss shows us that life is precious and fragile so we don't get the entertainment value in violence and death.I no longer tolerate anything mean or negative from others,no gossip or unkindness.Life is precious and when it ends you can't undo the things you did.One of the last conversations we had,Charlie told me he wished he had paid more attention to my needs and had been a better father and husband he was so sad,it tought me to think before I do or say anything.

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[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, This_is_me said:

Yesterday, a neighbour, in her attempt to console me said I should stop thinking about my loss and that she thinks my wife's death is even more painful to her than me.

(Apologies in advance for the swear)

What the hell?  What is wrong with this woman?

Honestly, I'm boggled, shocked, and disgusted that she would say something like that.  I cannot even begin to imagine what would make her think or say that.

You know what?  She wasn't attempting to make you feel better.  She was attempting to make herself feel better because your grief is uncomfortable for her.  What a rhymes-with-witch.

I know it doesn't make it easier, but I can tell you that many, if not all, of us have dealt with insensitive idiots like this.

You know in your heart, but I will say it anyway, that losing your beloved wife is and always will be worse for you than anyone else.

Big hugs go out to you and your sons.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Pim said:

And if people think that makes me look like a big softy, well so be it :-)

My husband was a strong man.  Not outwardly macho, if you will, but strong.  He was also a big softy inside. 

There is nothing wrong with being a softy and having compassion for others and ourselves.

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, This_is_me said:

Wonders shall never end in this journey of grief. Yesterday, a neighbour, in her attempt to console me said I should stop thinking about my loss and that she thinks my wife's death is even more painful to her than me.

Can you imagine such a statement?

She even made me feel worse in her attempt at making me feel better. 

 

What???!!!  I think my jaw just hit the floor!  Wow, that's all I can come up with, just wow.  I'm so sorry. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, HPB said:

...today a befriended (German) couple from the place my wife and I lived abroad in Asia sent me by email some pictures from a trip they made to the country side. Amongst a few other pictures of a beach and rural houses was also a picture of remains from a human skeleton (From a local museum? I have no idea, but how attentive to send me stuff like that).

I replied "Thank you for the pictures" in the hope, that carelessness and own stupidity will also be part of everybodys life review upon leaving earthly realm.

I'm sorry, people amaze me how insensitive they can be!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

(Apologies in advance for the swear)

What the hell?  What is wrong with this woman?

I think I would have told her she was full of sh_t!  And I don't swear!  But geez!  I hate to say it but some people are Narcissistic idiots, she qualifies.  Throw her ignorance back on her, don't accept a word she says.  

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, HPB said:

Exactly the same here. But we're living in a sick world, full of real violence and graphic content, and then movies and games with the same stuff finding a paying audience!?

I think our tragic experiences change us in various ways on a profound level.

Agreed 100%.  I hadn't considered that part of why I'm more sensitive now isn't just because of my grief, but also that losing my love has changed me permanently.  Thanks for that perspective.

We weren't into any violent movies or shows.  Just the previews or descriptions of many were enough to turn us off.  We liked a good, compelling drama and had no problem with swear words if they were appropriate to the character and story.  But anything with gratuitous or graphic violence or that used (for example) the F-word every third word just for the shock value, no way.  My hubby said that kind of thing was lack of imagination or creativity and appealed to our worst instincts.  He was a strong man who didn't flinch in the face of danger, but he would not tolerate anything that degraded others.

Can anyone tell me why so many people seem to be obsessed with glorifying gang violence, drug dealers, the Mafia, and other groups like that?  I guess that's a rhetorical question, but it's one that I've thought about before.

[Billie Rae]

My husband was a strong man.  Not outwardly macho, if you will, but strong.  He was also a big softy inside. 
There is nothing wrong with being a softy and having compassion for others and ourselves.
 

My husband didn't show emotion much but you know the feel good stories at the end of the news?I would look over and see tears on his face.Or on any of the surprise soldier come home stories.

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[Billie Rae]

@foreverhis you know I just don't understand the obsession with any violence or glorification of gangs and I sure as hell don't get this newly popular being mean just to be mean.I've always been in the school of if you can't say or do something kind,walk away.I live in an area where there are a few homeless people and I've seen people throw things at them and try to hit them with cars.I don't get it

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