Passed away after childbirth

[loveboo]

My sweet wife labored with no pain medication for 14-15 hours before delivering our baby girl who thankfully is healthy.  Then the day after, she passed away.  There are no words to describe exactly how I feel.  Anguish.  Devastated.  Ripped to pieces.  Guilt.

Unlike many posts I see here, my wife and I've only known each other for a few years and got married last year.  We were both in our 30s.  I knew on our first date that she would be someone special in my life.  She made me fall in love with her vibrant smile and then she changed my life with her tender sweetness and caring nature.  We wanted to grow old together and we were both looking forward to our future.

I wish I could trade places with her.  Someone like her did not deserve something like this to happen to her.  This universe is a little darker and a little less joyous without her with us because she could light up a room with that smile of hers and her friendly nature. She was a doctor and most of her patients were elderly.  She would sometimes tell me that she couldn't sleep because she couldn't stop thinking about a patient she treated the day before.  This is just the type of person she was, very caring of others.

I'm having a hard time coming to grips with how she spent the last nine months of her life especially the last 36 hours.  She was so happy when she found out about the pregnancy and have been so excited to become a mother.  But she was also a little scared about laboring and delivery and we all also know or can guess how uncomfortable it is being pregnant.  Just trying to imagine how uncomfortable it was for her in the last nine months and how much pain she was in during labor and delivery and ICU...  I feel like a coward because this pain I feel now without her is just emotional pain, not even a fraction of what she felt.  I can only pray that she be given comfort and peace.

I also feel so sad when I am taking care of our baby girl.  Taking care of a newborn is of course tiring but I'm sure she would've done it with a smile and thoroughly enjoyed doing it.  She didn't even get to experience any of that.  She bought so many cute things for our baby girl.  She won't be able to see any of that.

Worst of all, I feel regret and guilt.  I think of all those times I criticized her for the little things.  All those times I dismissed her complaints.  Those times she cried because of something I said.  All those times I prioritized something unimportant above her.  I know she knew I loved her but I definitely could've been more patient and kind.  She deserved more.

My family has been a great help so far with taking care of our baby girl.  I know if it was just me, I wouldn't be so sure that I'd be able to take care of her.  She is also such a delight, more than I expected.  I know the best way to honor my wife is to take the best care of our little girl and I will definitely try my best.  Everyone's been telling me how great a father I would be but I just see it as some things people just say to help me feel better because how could anyone know?

In whatever free time I can find, I've been reading a lot of different things to come to grips with the fact that I can no longer be with my wife.  No longer be able to contact her or reach her in anyway.  Sometimes when I come to that realization, my mind asks "how is this impossible?".  We just went to her scheduled doctors appointment just last week.  We were holding hands just last week.  I massaged her feet just last week.  We kissed just last week.  Why can I no longer do any of those things?  What about her wanting to go visit Japan or Machu Picchu in Peru?

I've been reading that when you pass away, it is like being asleep from the Christian perspective.  When you are sleeping, you are no longer conscious.  You have no awareness of who you are.  You have no memories.  You no longer feel.  This idea brings some comfort to me since it would mean she's resting.  However, it saddens me greatly that she'll never be able to hold her own daughter and see her grow up.

If there is anything that you did or read that helped you cope with loss of your spouse, please let me know.  Thank you for reading.

[Sunflower2]

I'm sorry terribly sorry for your loss.  

Continue to post as much as you need as often as you need. Others will be here for you.

Understand the pain of a loss isn't determined by the length of a relationship. Loss brings grief. To love is to grieve. 

 

Basics:   Cry. Don't disown the pain. Move through it. Feel it. Jump in the shower if needed.  it will be unbearable at times infact most of the time following the loss.    Movement, Sleep, keeping yourself hydrated, breath and movement!!!  I can't stress the movement enough.  It can be simply moving as a ragdoll.   In time you may find other resources. there will be follow up from other members sooner than later.  I can only speak in terms of my journey.  I do journaling, yoga, candles, therapy, salt floats, massages frequently during the initial shock.

these two books helped me at the beginning. It's OK That You're NOT OK.  (Megan Devine)  Bearing the Unbearable (Joanne Cacciatore)

check them out on Amazon and see if they fit.  Don't overwhelm yourself down with too many books.

This other one I read first thing in the morning followed by journaling. A gift from a close friend who is a therapist.  Healing After Loss Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief (Martha Whitmore Hickman)

Carol Staudacher has a couple you may want to check out. She has authored  1. Beyond Grief   2.  Men and Grief  3. A Time to Grieve  She is a highly respected grief counselor. 

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. We understand the magnitude of such a loss. Your world has been shattered. What once was is no longer but you will make it through this. There is a selfishness that comes with grief, That's ok as you need to take care of yourself so you can also care for your daughter. 

[Brazil Man]

13 hours ago, johnh said:

In whatever free time I can find, I've been reading a lot of different things to come to grips with the fact that I can no longer be with my wife.  No longer be able to contact her or reach her in anyway.  Sometimes when I come to that realization, my mind asks "how is this impossible?".  We just went to her scheduled doctors appointment just last week.  We were holding hands just last week.  I massaged her feet just last week.  We kissed just last week.  Why can I no longer do any of those things?  What about her wanting to go visit Japan or Machu Picchu in Peru?

This is very hard: accepting that we will never see, touch or talk to our spouses anymore.
I am really sorry for your loss.

[HPB]

johnh, this is so sad what you are writing here, I almost find no words. I'm very sorry you find yourself here;  my heart goes out to you!

This is so fresh and raw that I can not conceive how shattered you must feel in these initial moments of utter shock and anguish. After more than 8 months I'm still stunned and horrified about my own loss.

Guilt is very painful, most of us if not everybody share these very hurting thoughts and emotions of what we did, and what we failed to do. About the finality of not having it done better. But we are only human, and we thought we still have so much time. Time in the future to correct things, to make a better effort, to overcome our own shortcomings.

You mention to gain some comfort by the traditional christian perspective of afterlife. Of peaceful sleeping. And having no more pain and suffering.

I personally find comfort in my hope and faith, that our beloved ones just transitioned into the afterlife, where they are comfortable in peace, but conscious. Most probably more conscious than we are here on earth where we are trapped in our physical body.

I talk to my wife, and it gives me comfort. I told her all the things I wished I had done when she was still beside me. I suggest that you talk in your mind or loudly everything that you want to let your sweetheart know. It's never too late.

And most importantly, I gain most of my hope and energy to struggle on a bit more without the physical presence of my beloved wife, when I think and believe that we will be reunited later in the afterlife. I hope that our separation is only temporary.

Because you mentioned yourself that the potential of afterlife concepts is giving you some solace, please allow me to put some links below.

Not everything is suitable for everybody depending on personal faith and religion. Though near death experiences, after death contacts, and the vast spiritual experiences of Emanuel Swedenborg are providing evidence that life does not stop when we pass on:

https://swedenborg.com/married-couples-in-the-afterlife/

https://leewoof.org/2017/01/29/will-happily-married-couples-be-together-in-heaven/

https://leewoof.org/2013/03/01/what-happens-to-us-when-we-die/

https://youtu.be/9gdngWOvKas?t=498

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rwYf7tTEYX8 (It's never too late to say "I love you!!!)

https://www.soulproof.com/when-a-loved-ones-physical-body-dies/

I hope not to overwhelm or offend you with any content above. If you find something not helpful, just skip it.

I want to emphasize that your fate really touches me. I'm very sorry, that we share this most difficult thing, to have lost our love in the earthly world.

I wish you all the energy and faith to move on this sad path. A path, that has just begun, and a path, you are not walking alone. All the best for your tiny daughter and you!

Your wife is with you in spirit!

 

[HPB]

11 hours ago, johnh said:

Why can I no longer do any of those things?  What about her wanting to go visit Japan or Machu Picchu in Peru?

My wife is Japanese. We planned to move and live in Japan in about 2 years from now, and grow old together (I'm 53, my wife was 48). I lost my wife in the here and now on earth, but we lost all the anticipated 20, 30, 40? happy years.  I wanted to provide my wife a happy future in her own country, a country that has also found also a place in my heart. It's all lost ...

[KayC]

Welcome to this site...Sunflower already posted some of the favorites (books), A Grief Observed is also a favorite (C S Lewis).  There are differing beliefs of course as to what occurs after death, but many tend to think of them as a guiding force in our lives, or watching over us, I don't know, but it seems to feel comforting to think so.  Whatever brings you comfort, go with that.  Our grief journey is unique.

Congratulations on your baby girl!  Remembering pregnancy, oh so long ago, I loved it and welcomed that I was growing life inside of me, it more than allayed any discomfort physically.  I'm so sorry your wife died, that's very hard.  Someone so wonderful and caring.  I'm sorry for your loss, I know it's keenly felt. 

I'm glad you have family around and that they're helping you with your baby girl.  That's a whole lot of changes at once.  I'm sure those that commented you'd be a good father saw those qualities in you...we're often our own worst critics and the things you remember about the times you prioritized something else were not noticed by her in that way.  We get caught up with everyday life and never think that we will lose them...not this soon anyway!

I wrote this article at about ten years out, looking back on the things that had helped me, I hope even one of these "tips" can be of help to you, that's why I wrote it, I remember not knowing where to start, how to even begin to live without my husband, in the beginning that was so hard.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

A Grief Observed is also a favorite (C S Lewis).

yikes how did I forget this one.  Many quotes of his are in the Healing After Loss Meditations.  

I think after my day is over I'm going to re-visit him.  My energy just seems to be going there this season. Thank you!  A great reminder. Megan Devine in some ways presents her grief ????  There is a sameness in quality. Not sure how to explain but they were the two I connected to in my grief. 

[HPB]

3 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

A Grief Observed is also a favorite (C S Lewis).

free PDF download: https://freeditorial.com/en/books/a-grief-observed

[Jojo79]

My sweet wife labored with no pain medication for 14-15 hours before delivering our baby girl who thankfully is healthy.  Then the day after, she passed away.  There are no words to describe exactly how I feel.  Anguish.  Devastated.  Ripped to pieces.  Guilt.
Unlike many posts I see here, my wife and I've only known each other for a few years and got married last year.  We were both in our 30s.  I knew on our first date that she would be someone special in my life.  She made me fall in love with her vibrant smile and then she changed my life with her tender sweetness and caring nature.  We wanted to grow old together and we were both looking forward to our future.
I wish I could trade places with her.  Someone like her did not deserve something like this to happen to her.  This universe is a little darker and a little less joyous without her with us because she could light up a room with that smile of hers and her friendly nature. She was a doctor and most of her patients were elderly.  She would sometimes tell me that she couldn't sleep because she couldn't stop thinking about a patient she treated the day before.  This is just the type of person she was, very caring of others.
I'm having a hard time coming to grips with how she spent the last nine months of her life especially the last 36 hours.  She was so happy when she found out about the pregnancy and have been so excited to become a mother.  But she was also a little scared about laboring and delivery and we all also know or can guess how uncomfortable it is being pregnant.  Just trying to imagine how uncomfortable it was for her in the last nine months and how much pain she was in during labor and delivery and ICU...  I feel like a coward because this pain I feel now without her is just emotional pain, not even a fraction of what she felt.  I can only pray that she be given comfort and peace.
I also feel so sad when I am taking care of our baby girl.  Taking care of a newborn is of course tiring but I'm sure she would've done it with a smile and thoroughly enjoyed doing it.  She didn't even get to experience any of that.  She bought so many cute things for our baby girl.  She won't be able to see any of that.
Worst of all, I feel regret and guilt.  I think of all those times I criticized her for the little things.  All those times I dismissed her complaints.  Those times she cried because of something I said.  All those times I prioritized something unimportant above her.  I know she knew I loved her but I definitely could've been more patient and kind.  She deserved more.
My family has been a great help so far with taking care of our baby girl.  I know if it was just me, I wouldn't be so sure that I'd be able to take care of her.  She is also such a delight, more than I expected.  I know the best way to honor my wife is to take the best care of our little girl and I will definitely try my best.  Everyone's been telling me how great a father I would be but I just see it as some things people just say to help me feel better because how could anyone know?
In whatever free time I can find, I've been reading a lot of different things to come to grips with the fact that I can no longer be with my wife.  No longer be able to contact her or reach her in anyway.  Sometimes when I come to that realization, my mind asks "how is this impossible?".  We just went to her scheduled doctors appointment just last week.  We were holding hands just last week.  I massaged her feet just last week.  We kissed just last week.  Why can I no longer do any of those things?  What about her wanting to go visit Japan or Machu Picchu in Peru?
I've been reading that when you pass away, it is like being asleep from the Christian perspective.  When you are sleeping, you are no longer conscious.  You have no awareness of who you are.  You have no memories.  You no longer feel.  This idea brings some comfort to me since it would mean she's resting.  However, it saddens me greatly that she'll never be able to hold her own daughter and see her grow up.
If there is anything that you did or read that helped you cope with loss of your spouse, please let me know.  Thank you for reading.

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Jojo79]

Hi Johnh I am sorry for your loss, I am new to this site as well, I lost my husband unexpectedly just one month ago. Have you thought of support groups, I have joint a support group for younger widows/widowers with children, they offer separate groups for parents as well as kids. I hope we all find peace one day.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

37 minutes ago, Jojo79 said:

Hi Johnh I am sorry for your loss, I am new to this site as well, I lost my husband unexpectedly just one month ago. Have you thought of support groups, I have joint a support group for younger widows/widowers with children, they offer separate groups for parents as well as kids. I hope we all find peace one day.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

Welcome to you also!  I hope you will continue to come here and read and post.  When I lost my George, there had never been a grief support group here and it was too far to drive, but after studying grief all these years, I started a grief support group here in town, it's been very helpful to all of us as now we all know someone who "gets it" and we've actually all become friends and support to each other.

[DavidFarlow]

I am feeling sorry for your loss.

[brynel]

Johnh my heart goes out to you. I cant offer any coping tips as i am learning too. Lost my young husband just 6 weeks ago to sudden cardiac arrest. I can understand your pain and i will say a prayer for u to be able to get thru this just like the rest of us r hoping to. Your wife has left such beautiful memories behind and those will help offer you solace. I keep watching videos of my husband and his photos and revisiting our happy times. Also i do write to him daily. It helps me calm down after a crying spell. Talking aloud is also something i do. Feels weird not to have anyone answer back but i still do it. My heart tells me he is listening. Hope this helps.

Sent from my vivo 1802 using Tapatalk

[loveboo]

Thank you everyone.  Our baby girl is one month old as of this morning which means a little after midnight, it'll be one month since my wife passed away.

I was actually speaking with a specialist at a bank to start the paperwork and while I think he was trained to be compassionate about dealing with this type of scenario, when I had to explain what happened, he accidentally or not just blurted out "wow, that's like the worst case scenario".  I wasn't mad or anything because I agreed with him.

Well, no... I guess the worst case scenario is if both the mother and baby passes away and I just can't imagine that scenario and I hurt for husbands who would have to grieve for two special lives lost at once...  The world is just unfair.  I guess no one ever promised that it would be fair.

[ModHerc]

@loveboo,

I am so sorry for your beautiful wife, your wonderful daughter, and for you.  I definitely shared your feelings of guilt in the early days of my grief over the loss of my wife.  I wondered why I had spent so much time playing video games when she hated them, why I watched shows on TV that she wasn’t interested in, why I spent any time doing things that separated me from her instead of spending the time I had with her, which was the greatest joy I have ever had.

I realized eventually that I did those things because that was the man she loved, just as I am sure your wife loved you.  She loved the whole of you, despite any minor criticisms you may have made, or times your priorities may have differed from hers.  Those are not the important things, they are the things that allowed us to be there to support one another when the important things came around.  Please don’t let guilt rob you of the beauty of the relationship that I know you shared.

As for your concerns regarding your daughter, I get that too.  My daughter isn’t biological, but I am still her dad in every sense of the word that matters.  With my wife being gone, I now also have to try to be a surrogate mother for her.  I have to provide emotional support in ways I am not prepared for.  Try to find solutions to problems I never even knew of, let alone faced.  Be both sides of an equation that should be two peoples points of view.  And I want you to know it is incredibly rewarding.  I know your fear that you won’t be up to it, or will fall short.  You won’t. That is your daughter, and you will find it within you to be everything she needs.

Regarding the diaper changing, your wife would have smiled.  The first few times.  No one smiles for every diaper after the tenth diaper.  Raising children is hard work, allow yourself to feel the depth of it without placing unrealistic expectations upon yourself.

The thing I did that brings me the most peace is carrying the heart that you see in my avatar.  I gave it to my wife on one of our first dates, and she kept it at her bedside until I recovered it after she passed.  I now carry it with me wherever I go.  I have forgotten my keys, my wallet, and even my glasses, but I am never without that heart.  In the worst of times it brings me the comfort and clarity that I need.  I don’t know if that will help you, but you may be able to do something similar.

I too wish I could trade places with my wife.  She would be able to give you better consolation than I have.  I am also sorry I missed the joy that your wife brought to the world.  I am sure I would be a better person for having the honor of having met her.  Instead I will walk this painful path with you, be honored by that as well, and thank you for the company throughout it.  Hoping you find compassion and comfort among those who have had similar losses,

Herc

[KayC]

14 hours ago, loveboo said:

Thank you everyone.  Our baby girl is one month old as of this morning which means a little after midnight, it'll be one month since my wife passed away.

I was actually speaking with a specialist at a bank to start the paperwork and while I think he was trained to be compassionate about dealing with this type of scenario, when I had to explain what happened, he accidentally or not just blurted out "wow, that's like the worst case scenario".  I wasn't mad or anything because I agreed with him.

Well, no... I guess the worst case scenario is if both the mother and baby passes away and I just can't imagine that scenario and I hurt for husbands who would have to grieve for two special lives lost at once...  The world is just unfair.  I guess no one ever promised that it would be fair.

No, life isn't fair, that's one thing I've come to realize.  But I'm very glad you have your baby girl, I'm just so sorry it cost your wife her life, we don't think about that happening in this day and age.  I'm so sorry.  I bet you are a wonderful dad.  I pray your wife is able to look down and see the two of you together.  I don't know how that works, but it would sure be nice.

[loveboo]

I've started working on closing some of her accounts.  My brother-in-law has a friend whose wife passed away due to cancer over a decade ago and he told us that there was an attempt to fraudulently withdraw her assets in the beginning so I'm concerned about that potentially happening.

But at the same time, closing her accounts makes me feel like I'm "moving on" or closing her out...

[ModKatB]

3 minutes ago, loveboo said:

I've started working on closing some of her accounts.  My brother-in-law has a friend whose wife passed away due to cancer over a decade ago and he told us that there was an attempt to fraudulently withdraw her assets in the beginning so I'm concerned about that potentially happening.

But at the same time, closing her accounts makes me feel like I'm "moving on" or closing her out...

It is never easy to change the day to day things such as bank accounts, bills and anything else with them as owners, but unfortunately there are those out there that might try and take advantage of your situation. I had to take my husbands name off of our accounts early on and it was hard but I also knew that if I wanted to protect what we had together it was something I needed to do.

I hope that maybe you can look at this as not moving on or closing her out but as a way to protect what is hers.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[KayC]

Our bank took George's name off the account right away, their policy, they let me keep using our checks, but I think it's something they do for protection.  You're right, it feels like yet another step removing them from our life and we don't like it.  I like Kat's post, that's a good way of looking at it, thanks, Kat.