Moderators ModHerc Posted January 9, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted January 9, 2019 Everyone, I think it is important to remember that we are all here to help and support one another. To help promote an environment that allows open sharing please try to keep posts in line with the original posters wishes. It is important to note however that conversations within posts do grow and evolve naturally. Unless the person who posted the thread asks that the conversation return to the original topic I think the growth and evolution of posts is normal. It is also important to note that any suggestions from other posters are not necessarily solutions that are right for you. I know in the past I have had to temper some of my posts to keep them in the realm of friendly advice as opposed to amateur attempts at treatment. I ask everyone here to do the same. We are here to support one another, not cure one another. Soon a set of guidelines addressing these issues among others will be released. Thank you all, ModHerc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Moment2moment Posted January 10, 2019 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 I thought I had found a warm and friendly place to talk with others, free of stringent rules and oversight by someone always wanting to "direct" the flow of conversation or jump in and redirect, etc. Now I don't think I will hang out as much because I don't feel that anyone who has posted since I have been around needs " moderating". In fact I think that is in fact counter productive to open genuine relaxed conversation. Most moderators don't know when to keep out of a conversation. Their job might be to curtail a troll or remove someone who is being disruptive or otherwise inappropriate. That rarely happens on forums and I have been on many since the internet began to host forums. A moderator should be in the background unless there is a need to intervene. If they want to contribute to a thread they should do so as a member. Otherwise members need not hear from them. I was on a message board for about 10 years that is no longer around. It was one of the most dynamic and lively places to hang out. It began a gradual death the last 2 years because the moderator could not control her constant impulses to comment, try to constantly educate every poster or correct them or whatnot. She shut down threads like a buzzard pouncing on road kill and people just got tired of it and left. I don't think this forum needs a moderator, but then I don't own the site. Anyone who is going to "moderate" needs to be mindful of being intrusive and of inadvertently dominating the conversations here. People in bereavement don't need or want their comments "policed". I thought we already had a caring atmosphere here. I did not feel that announcing the need for one was helpful or respectful to those of us posting here. I, for one, am somewhat disappointed in what feels like non-positive changes here. Maybe it is just me. Anybody else have an opinion on this, besides the "moderator"? I guess if I get banned for posting this then it won't be much of a loss, LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SSC Posted January 10, 2019 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 I was a little surprised. I feel this forum has a very kind tone to it. I have never felt anyone has preached or given poor advice. We as adults can choose what we want to take from each other’s posts; ideas, insight, and wisdom. I literally come to this forum as a life line. It’s where I can come and see how others are coping with one of the most difficult times of their lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Moment2moment Posted January 10, 2019 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 10 minutes ago, SSC said: I was a little surprised. I feel this forum has a very kind tone to it. I have never felt anyone has preached or given poor advice. We as adults can choose what we want to take from each other’s posts; ideas, insight, and wisdom. I literally come to this forum as a life line. It’s where I can come and see how others are coping with one of the most difficult times of their lives. Yes, it has been a lifeline for me too. I hope it continues to be so for me and all participants. "Caring and safe" doesn't feel that way anymore when we are receiving a little lecture about how we all need to be that way. We already were that way so why the directive? Pardon my grieving brain if I am responding in an inappropriate manner to this. Frankly it just sort of hit me as "finger wagging". We don't need that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted January 10, 2019 Author Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 No finger wagging is intend, nor is a lecture. Thank you for the insight @Moment2moment, and please be assured that your thoughts and input on it will be heard, and in no way result in negative responses, most certainly not in banning. This forum has been a lifeline for many, including myself. I want to help find the best way to continue that for the entire community. I welcome all thoughts on the subject and certainly have no intention to reduce open, genuine, and relaxed conversation. Open to further discussion and thoughts on the matter, ModHerc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted January 10, 2019 Author Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 @SSC, Thankyou for your thoughts as well. I agree that I have never received poor advice or been told how I “should” be grieving. I suppose in this case that I have not offered much in the way of insight or wisdom. Let me try and be a little clearer. I am asking people to be careful about hijacking other posters threads. I also want people to be aware that just because people diverge from the “original” topic, it doesn’t necessarily mean the thread has been hijacked, in many ways that is up to the original poster. I would like every one to understand that, or better yet find another solution as to how to please both people who want topics to stay on track and people who want conversations to evolve without the limitations of staying on topic. The second part is advice. I am all for it. I like receiving advice, and actually try to implement it in my life when I am fortunate enough to get it. I also like giving advice, and hoping it is of at least some small value to those who receive it. As a moderator however, it is my responsibility to make sure at least once in a while it is mentioned that the advice given is not therapy. If, as adults, we choose to take certain ideas, insights, or wisdom from others, that is our decision. However as a collective group it is important for us all to remind those in need of professional help that they should seek it, and to allow them to seek the type of help that they choose to. I once again sincerely appreciate your input on the subject though, and will include your thoughts and feelings on the subject in any future discussions. With a poor joke at my own expense I am sorry to be the one person who has preached at you, ModHerc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tlc Posted January 10, 2019 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 I agree with the previous comments. It was working as it was. Why try and fix (moderate) if it's not broke? This forum has been a life saver for me and a place to come to in my darkest hours. Please don't ruin something that is helping so many people in need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted January 10, 2019 Author Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 A fair and good question @tlc. Of course there is no intent to ruin this forum and all the members of the team want it to remain a life saver and safe place to come in the darkest of times. It should be noted that there have been moderators the entire time, and it has still been that life saver for all of us. The simple presence of moderation does not mean that we will not be able to post freely. With change I do understand the concern that what we currently have could be negatively impacted though. I assure you I will do everything I can to prevent any such negative results. The change is that guidelines coming out that will give a little more direction to poster and moderators. The need for moderators is obvious, and as @Moment2moment indicated in a perfect world 100% of their work would be done in the background, where it is almost unnoticed. Preventing spammers, unwanted advertisers, dealing with minor technical issues, and helping new posters with technical concerns for instance. There are also times when posters may have conflict with one another. It is very rare on this forum, for which I am thankful, but when such instances do occur it is best to have a set of guidelines in place so that fair and thoughtful decisions can be made that will hopefully resolve the issue compassionately and satisfactorily for both parties. I hope that puts you a little more at ease with the situation, and will also voice your concerns in any discussions. I am glad there is input from the community on this, and look forward to hearing more, ModHerc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Moment2moment Posted January 10, 2019 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 My only and final comment on this topic is that there is absolutely nothing going on that needs moderation and yet we have already heard from you on several threads re your new role as moderator. THAT is the problem that I see evolving. Why do this? It changes the tone of the environment here. "Stay in the background and keep your mouth shut" is frankly how I personally feel about it. I no longer feel "safe and cared about". I feel "monitored and lectured to" and like the heart is gone from our little community. And that makes me sad when this place has been so life-giving to me. And Herc, if you have something to say to me personally say it here. Don't private message me. Thank you and best to all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 10, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 I hate innuendos as they leave everyone feeling it's them being spoken to when in fact it may not be. For myself, I just ask for directness so everyone can know what is being alluded to...but then I think "that thread" has already been addressed, let's move on. I hope no one leaves here, no one! Just to be clear, that thread's original post was not what the objector felt was being hijacked, but a post way into it that had nothing to do with the original topic, so it was all a moot point. The important thing being, mutual respect with all concerned. Quite honestly, I think we have that here 99.9% of the time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted January 10, 2019 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 I am very comfortable with the forum being monitored. There is an ebb and flow to all forums. As we move through grief some of us will move in different directions. Some will find this forum their comfort zone and stay for awhile. Others may decide to join another forum to process their grief. There will be other members who may find the forum is no longer a part of their toolbox. We all have the freedom to stay or go. We have choices. Grief is a very sensitive and devastating experience. This we are all experiencing. I believe this forum was and will continue to be a support for those beginning this journey. A journey filled with much darkness but with rays of sunshine for all of us to again experience when it is our time. There are so many options given to us in this space. Private messages are a beautiful component provided on this forum for individuals interested in extending their connections and conversations that don't wiggle into the forums guidelines. Members who want to take their conversations in a different direction with their experiences have freedom to connect on a more personal level by simply sharing their email addresses. Even in grief change is good. Forums need to be re-visited by competent and caring administrators. This includes a monitor. When new formats and changes are being implemented there is supervision and the need for monitoring can be more frequent initially. Changes require patience and the ability to step back and allow the kinks to unfold in a healthy and productive process. As in life boundary setting is imperative. Personal spaces have boundaries. Forums need to establish guidelines and boundaries. We have boundaries in our personal life. There are boundaries in our careers. People will come and go here. There will be days the forum will be active. There will be days the forum will be slow. We have options to come and go. I feel vey blessed to have options and a forum that is being monitored. For those who have given their time and effort to provide this space for people from all over the world I thank you. I find it heartwarming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted January 10, 2019 Author Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 I agree wholeheartedly @KayC and I am not trying to speak in innuendo. While the thread you mentioned clearly was a part of the cause for forming some new rules, this is not about that situation directly. I also consider that matter closed and am looking forward to moving on. This is more a notification that there will be ways to resolve such issues in the future, if any resolution is actually needed. A significant portion, indeed almost all, would be up to the posters in such a hypothetical, particularly to the original poster of a thread. Believe me when I say I and the grieving.com team have no interest in jumping into a situation and enforcing rules unless there are no other options and a member of this forum has asked for help based upon those guidelines. I further hope no one leaves here, and that the respect almost every poster here has for one another remains at the extraordinary levels it already is. As always, thank you for your wisdom, input, and thoughts on it, ModHerc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted January 10, 2019 Author Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 @Sunflower2, thank you for your wisdom, input on thoughts on it as well. It is nice to hear some positive feedback on the situation, ModHerc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ForgetMeNot150 Posted January 10, 2019 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 @ModHerc I am just wondering why this thread was posted in the "Loss of a Partner" section? Surely this is relevant to the whole site and should have been posted in a generic section? With it being posted here, it does seem to be aimed at the people in here specifically which I do not think is required. All the replies I received to my posts stated that the "advice" was just what those individuals had done for themselves and was not necessarily the cure for everyone. I have valued your input and found your replies to me to be incredibly helpful and insightful, however the tone of your posts seems to have changed a bit since you have become a moderator, so I am not sure that it is for the best. We do not need to be constantly reminded of your status - it is clearly stated in your changed profile name (which was not necessary in my opinion - the other moderators do not include it in theirs). I do know that sites like this need moderators though, just behind the scenes to help with queries or deal with problems and think that you will be good at it, however when posting here, unless you are dealing with one of these issues, please remember to let the old Herc post too! Perhaps you could have two profiles - one to post here and the other to moderate - as they are two different things. I know you just want to do the best you can and make this site as good as it can be, but perhaps you don't need to try quite so hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted January 10, 2019 Author Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 @ForgetMeNot150, Thank you for the vote of confidence that I will be good at. I think I will be able to help far more in this role, and think given time others may see it that way as well. I will definitely keep the not trying so hard part in mind as well. As for the name, when I volunteered for this role, I gave it some thought. I had considered a second account, but didn’t want to confuse any new members or in any way give anyone the idea that I was somehow trying to be deceptive with a second account. ModKonnie was the first moderator I saw in this site, and as a result I thought the name change was appropriate. I have also had many more positive interactions as a moderator than negative ones and didn’t think it would be a stumbling block. As for the “old” Herc, I certainly intend to keep posting. In the “Moderator” thread, which I made to keep from derailing other conversations, and posted not as a moderator, but as a member of the forum thanking fellow members, I mentioned that continuing to post was a huge factor when looking at this new role. I frankly need the site as a poster, it has been as much a lifeline for me as many of the others here. I’m not sure how helpful my posting would be to some members right now though, so I will probably be taking a break from it for a short while. As for your first question, there were two reasons I chose to post it here. First it is not the full release of the new guidelines. That will come later, and I didn’t want to have it posted “twice” to the whole forum. Second I thought it might generate more intense concerns to some of those here due to recent events, and wanted to give them opportunity to voice their thoughts and opinions ahead of time. Thanks for the questions, and at least being open to the idea that I am trying to help. I think this response falls more into the area of a personal response than as a moderator so I’ll just sign it, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marcel Posted January 10, 2019 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 Hi Herc, I think you will be a good moderator and I valued your input here so far. But this post may have upset quite a few people because this is one of the most civil and respectful places I've come across since I joined the internet in 1998. Any forum needs moderating. There are alway spammers, advertisers, jerks out there who invade a forum. But I think you've gone a bit overboard with this. I can understand that with this new role of yours you want to introduce yourself and your vision of what this forum should be like. But in the past the moderation was a really a quiet one. They would delete unappropriate content and never mention it. I know your intentions are good but people in general don't like to be told how to act, especially when things were running as smooth as in this forum. And I don't think it's your intention to change anything here; just to make sure anything goes on the way it is. It may sound silly but just pointing out the fact that you intend to do exactly this can upset people. I trust you to do a great job, so I'd ask everybody to respect you as the person we've come to know, insightful, compassionate and caring, and trust that you do the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted January 10, 2019 Author Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2019 Thank you Marcel, duely noted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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