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About ModHerc

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  • Birthday 06/29/1972

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    Football, computer games, making hot sauce, chess
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  • Occupation
    Concrete Quality Technician

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  1. ModHerc

    Feeling mad

    @KayC, Just hoping you feel a bit better soon. I wish I could send you a bowl of soup. My new house has mums, which happen to be my daughters favorite. Hoping you see a few pansies this spring, Herc
  2. @NoName17, Your description of the mask is perfect. I know I have had to hide my emotions on many occasions. Times at work, or social engagements where showing those emotions would be too disruptive, both to others, and to myself. I’ve also definitely had the desire to trade places. To let her live and experience this life because she deserved it. Then I think about her going through the pain that I feel on a daily basis from my loss, and I am at least consoled by the fact that I can endure this for her so she doesn’t have to know the pain of this loss. Please don’t place any of the blame on yourself. The person responsible hasn’t been caught, but don’t think for a moment that any of this is anyone else’s fault. Even if they are never caught, which unfortunately three years in is the most likely outcome, they are accountable. They may not face any legal consequences, they may not be bothered even by a guilty conscience, but never doubt for a second that they are to blame. Wishing you peace and comfort, Herc
  3. @floyd11554, You are a widower in my opinion. Legally you can’t claim it, but I think that is as far as that goes. In any non legal sense of the word you fit into the category. You lost the person closest to you. Your plans for the future we’re altered irrevocably. Your day to day life changed in an instant. The fact that you didn’t have a piece of paper to confirm it is inconsequential. The term widow and widower is painful to many that find themselves in our unfortunate circumstance. The term I prefer, and that applies to all of us without any distinctions as to marital status is bereaved. I’ve had a similar conversation in the past and continue to think bereaved fits us all best. Per Meriam Webster, Bereaved (noun) - someone who is suffering the death of a loved one. I prefer this term because it unites us all. Age doesn’t matter, gender doesn’t matter, marital status doesn’t matter. It puts us all on equal footing and further allows each person to apply the label to themselves based upon their own understanding and feelings of the situation. Basically if you feel you are bereaved then you are, and no outside agency or entity can say you aren’t. Further, there are no future occurrences that can change this status. While I am currently not pursuing any further relationships, the fact that I may one day still fits into the equation. If I build an identity as a “widower” and then have to change that identity based on a future relationship it could further complicate things. Even if I get married again I would remain bereaved. Wishing you all the peace and support you deserve, Herc
  4. I’m glad you made your way here Matt. From what you wrote about how difficult it was for you to reach out, I was concerned that you might not. I am once again so sorry that your girlfriend was murdered. It must also be difficult knowing that those responsible were never caught. Talking with others about our loved ones passing is always difficult. Most of my friends, coworkers, and even several of my family don’t know how much my wife’s passing affected, and still affects me. It is almost like they don’t want to know, or at the very least don’t want to be confronted with thinking about it. While my isolation isn’t nearly as intense as yours, I do have some understanding of how hard that can be. I found that sharing here definitely eases the loneliness and gives me people that empathize and understand. I hope you find compassion and comfort here as well, Herc PS For those looking for Matt’s initial post, you can find a link below.
  5. @NoName17, I am so sorry for you, and your wonderful partner. I’m not a teen, and haven’t been for almost three decades, but I don’t think that love, or feeling it, is exclusive to those of a certain age. The loss of a loved one is always painful, but I can relate to how much more painful it is on certain dates. Valentine’s Day is already an incredibly difficult time for me, with that being the anniversary of her passing I can understand how much more painful it is for you. Not having a support network that is even aware of the situation, let alone understanding and compassionate must be incredibly difficult. Many of us in grief find, and are upset, that those support networks fade and fail over time. To not have had one even at the start must have been very challenging. I wish you didn’t have to go through that. I can’t tell you that your heartache will end. In my experience, and from the accounts of almost all those I have talked to, it doesn’t. Grief continues to be a part of our lives, but we do find ways to manage it given time. I hope it is the same for you. For me, finding, joining, and participating on this site was very helpful. While I wish that none of us had reason to be here, I am glad that you found it, and that even though it was difficult you decided to try. I don’t know how many responses you will get on this sub forum. While I know there are many teens on the site, before your post the last post in this specific area was in August, so the responses may be limited. I know that finding those that you more closely identify with is very useful. I personally get particular benefit from the insights of widowers between 35 and 55. At the same point, I find the views of everyone with similar experiences also help, regardless of age, gender, or type of loss. If you want to, please consider posting something in the loss of a partner forum. I am certain that I, and probably many others, would benefit from your views and thoughts, and certainly hope you would take something away from the interactions as well. Wishing you all the compassion and comfort you can find, Herc
  6. ModHerc

    Feeling mad

    I felt anger during my grief many times. Occasionally I directed the anger towards my wife. Which then brought on shame and regret for a while. After thinking about it for a long time I came to a couple of conclusions on it. First, being mad about her passing was rational and normal. Anyone who suffers this kind of loss has perfect reason to be mad. I misdirected the anger when I focused it on her for “leaving” me, but the emotion itself wasn’t crazy or wrong. I should have been angry at my situation, but it is hard to be angry without having something specific to focus the anger towards, so with an overflow of emotion, I had to find somewhere to put it. Second, it wasn’t the first time I had been mad at her. We had a relationship, and like most relationships, there were times we agreed, and times we didn’t. When we didn’t agree strongly, we got mad. And getting mad didn’t mean we didn’t love one another then, quite the opposite, it meant we cared for one another enough that when we thought the other was doing something “wrong” we allowed it to affect our own happiness. For me, anger is not the opposite of love, indifference is the opposite of love. If I was “allowed” to be angry before she passed, then I am after as well. Third and lastly, I realized that even if I had misdirected the anger towards her, it was better than misdirecting it in other ways and lashing out at those close to me. I rarely get mad now, and not at her for a long time. But if it did happen again it wouldn’t mean I didn’t love her, it would mean I had a strong emotion and had to get rid of it in some way. I can picture her smiling at me, asking if I felt better now, and telling me she loves me too. So now I let myself be angry when I need to, and believe fully that if I let that momentary anger affect my thoughts, or bring on shame, or regret, that I give it far more power over my grief than it deserves. But as with almost everything in grief, it is far easier said than done. As always wishing you all the peace and calm you can find, Herc
  7. @Mermaid43, Hello. I am sorry about your circumstances with the fire. I can't offer you any legal advice, but from a personal standpoint, I would start with the buildings management office. They should be able to put you in contact with the appropriate insurance agent. If you have renters insurance, I would contact your agent as soon as possible as well, they can offer advice provide you with direction moving forward, and may even be able to facilitate filing claims for you even if another insurance company ultimately is responsible. For my last non professional suggestion, take as many pictures and video as you can documenting any damage, those may prove useful in the long run. I hope everything works out, and I am sorry you have to deal with this, Herc
  8. @Glolilly, My experience has been that changing things has been helpful at times. I wouldn't change simply for the sake of changing, or with the thought of giving other people the impression you are doing well. But if you want to change something for yourself there is no reason not to in my opinion. As Moment2Moment said, I would be careful about getting rid of things, particularly those that were of significance to your husband. I think those are the most likely to bring emotional attachments and issues with them. I like your idea of doing some small things and seeing how you feel about them, slipcovers, or maybe just rearranging where the furniture is to start with. Like you said, if it turns out you aren't happy with it, then it would be easy to change back. When I made changes, they caused some intense emotions, and still do at times. I was afraid that new things would make me feel as though I were losing some of my connection with my wife. That hasn't happened at all. If anything I feel a bit of a stronger connection now thinking how much she would have liked some of the new. For me at least I found that change and growth was positive, and that the physical objects don't matter so much, because I will always have her with me. Wishing you the best, Herc
  9. @Hyesu Kim, I'm so sorry for your loss, the way in which it happened, your boyfriend and the mental pain he must have been going through. I am glad you don't blame yourself, you shouldn't. Depression is an illness, like any other. You were not in any way at fault. While suicide was not a factor in my loss, I do know the pain of unfulfilled hopes, and wanting to do more with your loved one in life. I wish none of us had cause to come and join this forum, but I hope that you will find some peace and comfort here among people who can understand at least some of what you are going through, Herc
  10. Loss of appetite is very common in grief. I lost all my appetite between around the 2 and 6 month mark. I knew it was a bit of a problem, and got around it by having lots of small things. Things like just a fruit cup in the morning, then late morning a granola bar, half a sandwich for lunch, a few vegetables when I got home from work, then just a baked chicken breast for dinner. By keeping the servings small, but doing a lot of them, it got me back into the routine of eating. Also it was easier to "force" myself to eat with the smaller portions. I also used prepackaged goods for most of it. I prefer cooking myself, and I know the health concerns with most prepackaged foods, but during that period with little to no appetite, I found it was more important to not have the excuse of "I don't feel like cooking". I don't know if any of that will work for you, but it might be something to try. Hoping you find it helpful, Herc
  11. 50 first dates. It was one of my wife's favorites. I keep hoping that I could be the one to go to sleep and wake up to feel it all over again. You're not alone. Men are allowed to cry too, and if there is anything that should bring any of us to tears, it is knowing what we have lost. I haven't started dating again. I know I'm not ready for that, because I would want the new to be the same as the old. When I am ready to accept that the new will be different, but good in its own way, I may start dating again.
  12. @Anthony Carlino, I am so sorry for your beautiful wife and you. My wife and I didn’t suffer the medical issues to the extent you did, but I have spent many evenings sleeping in a hospital chair next to her bed. I do know the additional impact being a caregiver brings. I found it very painful at the start of my grief journey to go through stores and know I no longer had to buy her juice to prepare for low blood sugars, bandages for her foot, saline to wash her wounds. I understand how simply going to the store becomes a battle, and you skip entire aisles simply because you know they will bring on a wave of grief. Regarding your dogs, I have heard miraculous stories about pets that “recovered” when they were brought to the grave site, or presented with an urn holding the ashes. I don’t know the arrangements you made, but possibly something along these lines could help. More importantly, simply continue to give them the love they need, I am sure they will return it. I am an animal lover as well, and am so thankful our pets have helped me throughout this process, and that I could be there for them as well. Hoping you find peace and comfort among those who empathize, Herc
  13. Thank you for becoming a member of the Grieving.com community. Most of our members are here because they need to find support and empowerment on their journey. We are a community made up of people from over 100 countries and all walks of life. Grieving.com provides apps on the Apple Store and Google Store to take Grieving.com with you on the go. Regardless of whether you access Grieving.com from a desktop or an app, all members must abide by the following guidelines. GUIDELINES Grieving.com wants to provide a forum where people can find support and empowerment on their grief journeys. To enable a safe, compassionate environment, we ask you to follow the rules of CARE: Create, Allow, Respect, and Empathize. Create a caring environment by respecting the original author's post. responsibly sourcing information from a third party by linking to the original site. avoiding spamming or advertising on the site without permission. Allow fellow posters their individuality by understanding that English may not be a poster's first language. accepting that each person's grief journey is unique. never discriminating based upon beliefs, race, gender, culture, or sexual identity. Respect one another and Grieving.com by never stalking, harassing, or threatening another grieving individual. never attempting to provide professional therapy for another member. keeping the anger associated with grief directed at outside sources, not fellow posters. Empathize with one another by empowering one another instead of judging one another. giving those in need access to tools such as the suicide hotline. acknowledging that we are all equal in our grief. We all care for each other here. If a poster steps outside these guidelines, consequences including warnings, suspensions, or banning may be necessary to ensure continued compassion within the community. Legal Disclaimers 1. Please remember that we are not responsible for any messages posted. We do not vouch for or warrant the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any message, and are not responsible for the content of any message. 2. The messages express the views of the author of the message, not necessarily the views of this bulletin board. Any user who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to flag the post to report it. We have the ability to remove objectionable messages and we will make every effort to do so, within a reasonable timeframe, if we determine that removal is necessary. Privacy Policy We do not sell, share, or make your data available to any parties other than Grieving.com and its parent company Back To Zen Companies. The only reason we access your data is to help monitor and manage the website. Please note, that any post becomes part of the public domain and can most likely be searched by Google and other search engines. If you have any questions or feedback, please let us know at greiving@GetBackToZen.com, Thank you.
  14. This is a tutorial to help new members respond to an existing thread. 1. Navigate to the thread you want to respond to by clicking on the thread title. 2. At the top right hand side, click on the orange button "Reply to this topic". 3. Enter your reply in the large text box in the middle of the screen. 4. When you are satisfied with your reply, click the yellow "Submit Reply" button at he bottom right hand side. This should submit your reply so that other posters can read it. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me, ModHerc
  15. This is a step by step guide to help new members who want to create a thread. 1. From the main forum, scroll down to the sub forum you want to create the thread in. In this example we will use the "Technical Questions on how to use the Forum" section. 2. After entering the sub forum by clicking on the name, click on the orange "Start new Topic" button at the top right hand side. 3. Make sure to give your thread a title, which is what other users will click on to read your thread, then enter the content you want to post in the large text area in the middle of the screen. 4. When you are satisfied with the post and want to publish it to the forum, scroll all the way to the bottom and click the yellow "submit Topic button". That should publish your thread to the rest of the members who will be able to read it and respond. If you have any questions feel free to contact me, ModHerc
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