Members Sc39 Posted August 12, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 12, 2018 Sc39 Posted just now Tomorrow will be three weeks since my husband suddenly died. For the first two weeks, there were lots of friends and visitors. Sometime during the third week, most people stopped coming. Life is moving along for everyone. I can see the expectation in some of them....time to pick yourself up. If i was not so broken i would laugh at the absurdity. How exactly do i normalise when i have suffered one of the biggest losses known? I am lonely to the depths of my soul. The person who made me feel on top of this world is no longer in this world. The man for whom i had three children is no longer here to kiss and hug them. They will never be able to shout out "daddy!" when he comes up the stairs. There are some hurts so deep that they are inconcievable unless you experience them yourself. The next time someone hints that i should move on after only three weeks, i will tell them "yes...because death will come to us all....you or your husband will one day die. The other will be left to mourn...three weeks and i know you will be fine." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Manzanopeek Posted August 12, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 12, 2018 Oh what people do not know you are going through! They only people that will understand is other people that have lost their husband.There is no explaining to other people. Yes you will get better but not in 3 weeks. That would be a miracle. You have to crawl before you walk.You will find your way but it will take time and perseverance. Those of us that have lost our husbands are here to support you because we understand the heart ache and unusual feelings that you are going through. That is what this forum is for. Help one another so we make make it to the new reinvented you.We did not chose this path so lets do things to make it work for us. You will come out a stronger person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Miye Posted August 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 13, 2018 I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't believe how they can say that to you. I don't think we ever move on... we just learn to live with the pain and try to make our best... but first weeks? Not even enough time to recover from the shock... I never had visitors. Around 100 people came to me at the funeral and said "You'll never be alone" I knew they just didn't know what to say. but honestly it bothered me. My mom told me it was not them speaking, It was my husband and my Lord, reassuring me. And I believe it was them cause in 6 months I received only one visit from a close friend, and that was it Seeing my little kids fatherless breaks my heart too. They had a loving father who came tired after working hard just to fill them with hugs and kisses and games. now they only got me and I'm trying to be the best i can... To enjoy life, so they do too...but i miss my John every second I know it might sound worn, but my thoughts and prayers are with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 13, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 13, 2018 That first week was a blur...my daughter and my sister were here, the phone was ringing off the hook, one person talking while another was on hold...constant. People dropped food off, I didn't feel like eating, what was I to do with all of this food?! A neighbor came by, a couple of people from the church, more food. Then all of that stopped. After his funeral, the phone was quiet, I was alone. My daughter was here but soon back to her life. No one came any more. I didn't hear from his family, our friends disappeared, some of them even before the funeral! I never would have expected that. People tell you to move on??? I can't imagine a more ill fitting statement! Are they nuts? Seriously! I know they can't have a clue, they haven't been through it. But do they even stop to imagine what it might be like? Apparently not. In our wildest dreams we could not have imagined... This is a huge long adjustment, it's a process, a life long process. It has a beginning but seems to have no ending...until the day we die and can be with them again. To those raising children without their other parent, my heart goes out to you. I don't know what you say to them. You can only do your best. My prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marcel Posted August 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 13, 2018 It's the same for everyone. People think they understand because they lost a parent or a friend. But they don't really think about the difference. Of course it hurts to lose anyone, but how does it effect their daily life? A few less phonecalls with a friend? No more visiting their parents every other weekend? For us everything has changed. When we wake up, the other side of the bed is empty. We take our breakfast alone. When we go to work, noone kisses us goodbye. When we get home noone greets us with a smile. We eat dinner alone and when we go to sleep, the other side of the bed is still empty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted August 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 13, 2018 The title of your post couldn't be more true. All of us here and have experienced how "people have moved on" in one way or another. Frankly, I call this all troubling but that's how our society is. We don't talk about death and we try not to "bring up" things after time goes on just because we are afraid to stir up things. I've come to accept that losing a spouse is very unique, there are very few people out there that truly understands what this means and the impact it has on our lives, both physically and emotionally. Simply stated, we lost our other half. There is a large chunk of us that dies too when our partners left. With the exception of a train counselor, no one out there can understand this, unless they've been through it. This explains why we always feel "left out" or "left alone." I still experience this on a very frequent basis. You are not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Just here Posted August 14, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 14, 2018 It’s been a little over 3 weeks for me and I know what you mean. It’s like people stop coming by or asking when you need people the most. It’s not when I’m at work but when I’m at home alone or in bed that you need people. 3 weeks and I still feel numb like I’m going through the motions trying to get by day by day. I miss him more then ever. I just want to tell him about my day and I do every night and cry. I totally understand you’re not alone. People just keep living and the world doesn’t stop even though I want too! I want to scream, I want to be with him, I need him here, and most of all I just want him to say I love you and everything will be ok. Just know your not alone in this journey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 14, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 14, 2018 @Marcel Been a while since I've seen you here Sometimes we feel nothing changes, we still have to do that life without, every day and you're right, our grief's magnitude is affected very much by not only how much we loved that person but also how much it affects our life...with our spouse it affects everything. EVERYTHING! Our sexual selves, our social life, our finances, our best friend, the chores, even the everydayness, definitely our holidays, there's nothing left unaffected. That's a whole lot of emptiness at the end of the day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted August 14, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 14, 2018 On 8/12/2018 at 5:29 PM, Sc39 said: Sc39 Posted just now Tomorrow will be three weeks since my husband suddenly died. For the first two weeks, there were lots of friends and visitors. Sometime during the third week, most people stopped coming. Life is moving along for everyone. I can see the expectation in some of them....time to pick yourself up. If i was not so broken i would laugh at the absurdity. How exactly do i normalise when i have suffered one of the biggest losses known? I am lonely to the depths of my soul. The person who made me feel on top of this world is no longer in this world. The man for whom i had three children is no longer here to kiss and hug them. They will never be able to shout out "daddy!" when he comes up the stairs. There are some hurts so deep that they are inconcievable unless you experience them yourself. The next time someone hints that i should move on after only three weeks, i will tell them "yes...because death will come to us all....you or your husband will one day die. The other will be left to mourn...three weeks and i know you will be fine." Yes. Experiencing this too. My dad and I are at the same mark as you with losing my mother. She was his world and my world. Alone surrounded by her things, memories and the emptiness. Still trying to accept that she is gone and won’t be walking through the door. That we won’t hear her voice or feel her affection, get her advice, be able to share our day with her. The day after her funeral EVERYONE including relatives stopped showing up. People keep saying at least him and I have each other, but we are both so lost and empty. Too much to get to the store, cook, clean, shower and function. Also, his and my grief are so different from each others. Him and my mom were together and married for over 50 yrs. I keep thinking where are all the friends that they helped when their friends lost their spouses... Where are the people that know what to do and how to help guide him...everyone at the funeral kept saying to me “You know you need to take care of him”. I am doing my best, but they’re forgetting that she was my EVERYTHING. My favorite person. I am single and and she was my constant. I can’t even take care of myself at the moment. I keep trying, but feel I’m under water tryjng to break up and out. I know he has to feel it and go through it and that no one can take away his hurt, but at least he would be able to talk about it, or have distraction if one of the friends would be with him for an hour. They could say how they felt and maybe he would then feel validated in his grief and loss. Lots of love to you. Putting out prayer and energy that people will step in and surround you. Hugs, Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted August 14, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 14, 2018 15 hours ago, Just here said: It’s been a little over 3 weeks for me and I know what you mean. It’s like people stop coming by or asking when you need people the most. It’s not when I’m at work but when I’m at home alone or in bed that you need people. 3 weeks and I still feel numb like I’m going through the motions trying to get by day by day. I miss him more then ever. I just want to tell him about my day and I do every night and cry. I totally understand you’re not alone. People just keep living and the world doesn’t stop even though I want too! I want to scream, I want to be with him, I need him here, and most of all I just want him to say I love you and everything will be ok. Just know your not alone in this journey! Yes. Yes, to every single thing you are thinking and feeling. We feel it too. Love and prayers being sent your way. I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 15, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 15, 2018 @StreamingTheLight I've been through the friends letdown, I hope these articles are of help to you. Understanding grief process was new to me when I lost my husband, I can't begin to explain what a whirl my head was in, even though I'd lost others before, losing my husband was a whole new ballgame...I lost my dad when I was young, I felt it made me have to grow up fast because I no longer had my daddy to fall back on, I was pregnant with my first child at the time. I can imagine how you are feeling, my heart goes out to you. I didn't have that kind of a mom, but you did and you are missing her greatly. Even though the losses are different, that of parent, that of spouse, you can be there for each other." Some days it's feat enough just to get out of bed and remember to brush your teeth and eat something. One day at a time, that's how we get through this. Sometimes we have to break that down into an hour or even just a minute. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted August 16, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 16, 2018 KayC, Thank you! Thank you for witnessing my grief, my process, sharing part of your story with me. Letting me know how you felt and feel. It really resonates. Those links are fantastic and just what I needed today. Yes, it takes me forever to get out of bed and start my day and then eventually brush my teeth and shower. I consider it a triumph when I do. Like you said about other losses...I have had them and each were different and painful, but the loss of my mother is a whole other level. It is for my dad too losing his spouse. Over 50yrs of them together. I am giving him space, he often tinkers out in the garage, cuts the grass A LOT. Has anger, but under it I know it’s the hurt and he’s old school with not talking about things and keeping them in until he can’t and he has outbursts. But right now I am always in the house or yard hanging around incase he decides he can interact. Sometimes just knowing there’s another near you even when not talking is a comfort. A friend and her niece came over today and he spent a half an hour with us. We were drawing pictures and he actually did one! It was a little miracle. He hasn’t done something like that since I was a child. It was really special. He smiled twice and it made me so happy. Hoping that slowly but surely we will find a new normal and that this will bring us closer. I want us to both keep going and survive, but also thrive. I hope he will choose to and I won’t lose him to stress and heartbreak. Again, thank you! I am grateful for your help and reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 16, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 16, 2018 I can only imagine how good it felt to see him do a picture with you! And to see him smile. It gives you hope that maybe just maybe he will learn what we here have learned, that we have to look for good and embrace it,no matter how small,nothing is too trivial to count. That we live in the present moment, rather than focusing merely on what we've lost. Our loss hunts us down and haunts us, we don't need to look for it, but sometimes we need help finding that bit of good to live for. I'm glad you dad has you and I'm sorry that you too are hurting so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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