Jump to content

StreamingTheLight

Members
  • Content Count

    241
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

48 Participating

4 Followers

About StreamingTheLight

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    West Coast
  • Interests
    Being outdoors, the ocean, the mountains, the woods. Art, reading, movies, music.
  • Loss Type
    Mother and Brothers
  • Angel Date
    7/2018, 11/2017, 5/2006

Converted

  • First Name
    Nicole
  • Country
    USA

Recent Profile Visitors

2,192 profile views
  1. The undercurrent of anxiety has been running through me and it’s difficult. I want to feel peaceful. 

  2. Lia, yes. I’m feeling this way too. Sending you a virtual hug. Thank you for sharing and putting your honesty out there. I hope tomorrow eases up on you.
  3. It hits me quickly and I never know when it’s going to completely take me over...but it happened when I woke up this morning. I woke up and remembered my mom and brother are dead and I then could not get out of bed. It’s not that I forgot, it’s that I went to sleep knowing, then was in a dream state where I was at peace and then woke up to remembering. I couldn’t deal with today. It’s taken me a few hours to go from bed to couch. I feel life responsibilities looming over me and can’t bring myself to do them. It all feels so daunting. The sun is shining outside and I don’t care. It’s too quiet. I want to call my mom. The “how did this happen” feels so fresh. This is grief.

  4. Proud of myself for pushing through the weekend and showing up to my commitments. It was exhausting, but I did smile some and enjoy the time with others. I had to explain a couple times that things were difficult for me when people were confused about me not being as energetic as they were, but that’s ok. They can accept that and help me, or not. I’m trying not to put expectations on myself and others. When I have in the past, it hurt when they couldn’t meet me in the emotional space I needed them too. We are all only human and do our best. So, the best place I can start is with helping myself and making sure I do what is best for me while I’m grieving.

  5. Lia, sending loving thoughts your way. I am sad for your loss. I too experience being alone a lot and feeling alone in my grief. I too went from being surrounded by others when my mom passed, to everyone going back to their lives and busy schedules with me drowning in my grief. It takes all of me to get myself up, out and towards helping myself. It has been hard to know what to do and my mom and brother that I lost were the ones who would help me and pick me up. They were the ones that I would call. Since they are no longer on this earth (I still talk to them and go to places that remind me if them), but I also put myself in therapy and I post on here to try and do my best to cope. I go hour to hour and try not to think too far a head. If you are able to, maybe you can see a grief counselor. I know everyone says to do this and it’s not easy, but I think it’s so important. I still have to do a lot of work on my own to deal with grief and the thoughts and emotions that are all encompassing, but the therapy does give me one place that I know I can be heard and witnessed in what I feel and creates a schedule where I am accountable to something and someone. Otherwise, I am just totally floating and lost. The appointment I have to keep every week grounds me. Little by little over these months it’s helped me add the things I used to do back in to my life. I still have trouble connecting to the things I used to do because it’s hard to find meaning when you experience deep loss, but I’m hoping it eventually creates a spark in me to be interested in life more. I feel I’m now makimg some strides. I tell myself my only choice is to keep going. Keep going no matter what to honor the beautiful things I learned from my mom and brothers. Hang in there. We care. Hugs, Nicole
  6. http://Understanding Grief | BetterHelp https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/understanding-grief/ This article helped me identify what I was feeling in my grief and the types of grief I was experiencing. I hope it helps others.
  7. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and the heartache your going through. I think it’s so brave to reach out and share the details of what you experienced and are going through. I comend everyone on the forumn that does because it’s not easy. I truly believe that in sharing, it will help you tranform your grief. Being honest with others about what I feel and can listen without trying to gloss over what has occured is helping me. I share the details with only a few that I think can handle it, or have gone through similiar. You are not alone, I too have had circling thoughts about the intense details of the moments with my moms cancer, losing her and the moments before and after she passed. Same with the loss of my siblings. I’m not a professional in any way, but in my personal experience, the circling lasted for some time and still pops up, just not as much. Everyone says it takes time and although that phrase frustrates me during my hardest times with my grief...I know it is true and have had to just let myself feel the deep grief and know that’s ok. I can’t skip it and won’t ignore it. I did that with my first really hard loss and found myself in deep depression and it then manifested physically. So, I made a promise to myself with this loss that I would get help from a therapist right away and be true to myself and honor the loss, as to cope and learn tools to cope. I feel I can alsoe speak freely in therapy and we did some trauma work. The trauma work knocked me on my knees, but in the long term it was the right step for me because I feel more free, that I won’t always be stuck in the quicksand that I feel. I’m at the 7th month mark on losing my mom. I know that therapy has helped me a lot to deal with it (meaning the replay that my brain seems to want to torture me with). I believe in positive affirmations to rewire my thinking, like telling myself I am safe and it’s ok (I tell myself this over and over again because the more I can do that, the more my mind assimilates to that, instead of constant anxiety about it). I think replaying things is completely par for the course in losing such a keystone figure in your life. It’s a profound loss that you are going through. Also, my cortisol levels and fight/ flight and shock remained activated for a while right after. I was hyper vigilant during that time. It kept me going and completing tasks and the worry for my family kept me from taking better care of myself. I say that incase you are experiencing that too, so you know you’re not the only one and it will change. Once it wore off, I really started to grieve, the tears have flowed for months and that’s ok. We all need that release. You will find you are stronger than you ever thought possible. Try and only focus on the things right in front of you in the moment. Like getting out of bed, eating something and showering and resting when you need to. I take walks and try to point out one pretty thing a day. When those thoughts try to hijack me (because they certainly do), I acknowledge the thought, shed some tears and then tell myself my mom is at peace now and I won’t feel this way forever. I then try and bring myself back to the present by transforming the thought to something else (like how your dad made a joke or was able to try and comfort you while he was going through things), or I change it by making a call to someone I trust when I can’t get rid of the circling and I ask them to tell me about their day to pull myself out of it. Lastly, another tool I use, is that I write the circling thought down on paper and then tear it up and toss it in the bin as a symbol that I am letting it go. It takes doing it more than once. I hope that all makes sense. I know it’s all so overwhelming. Sending you thoughts of peace. Keep sharing. hugs, Nicole
  8. When I woke up today I felt good and ready to go back out into the world. Not sure if it’s because I got out all the icky feelings out in my post last night, but I was grateful to feel this way. Had lunch with a friend, went to a show and smiled a lot. It was a good day. 

    1. MollieMcDoodlesMom

      MollieMcDoodlesMom

      Hello Nicole - 

      So nice that you had a refreshing day!

      I’ve not been online for a while and regret not staying in touch. Things got hectic in February and resulted in a flare up. Now we have the flu. 

      Hope to get back in a routine of visiting the forum and “talking” to my friends here. 

      Sending Warm Wishes - 

      Frances

    2. StreamingTheLight

      StreamingTheLight

      Hi Frances,

      Sorry to hear about the flare up I know those are painful I get them too. I’ve been doing acupuncture and it is definetly helping mine. I’m also sorry to hear that you have the flu. Prayers that you get well soon! 

  9. Some honest, real, raw stuff I felt this week and it’s not pretty or koom bah yah. Read at your disecretion because I don’t want to upset or trigger anyone with the anger part of my grief I felt this week. I just needed to get this out in my safe space and maybe others have felt this too. Here goes:

    Feeling anger and irritability. I fight to dip my toes back out into the world (it takes all my strength just to show up for life) and then I run into someone who hasn’t experienced any true loss, but has taken psychology classes and think they know what loss is like and decide to go full steam on me like I’m some type of project, looking at me with pity (which is not a good feeling). I didn’t invite them into a conversational space about my grief, but they jumped in there anyway (I understand they meant well, but it was not okay for them to hijack me into their thoughts about my situation, they know about all my losses). It took everything in me not to say what I was actually thinking, as they were saying to me “that addiction is a choice” and then...whatever else they said after that... After she said “addiction is a choice, you can still decide to party but be safe”...all I could see was red. It’s not like me to feel that way (meaning just see red and not even think about why they are coming from the point of view that they are). I took a DEEP BREATH and I calmly replied, that “I disagree”. I then changed the subject (because it was not the right setting to get into it, we were at work) and I got away from her as quickly as I could. Thank god for my personal years of therapy because I wanted to scream “The day that you find your sibling dead from fentanyl and other opioids after they battled addiction and went to rehab over and over again to try and get their life back...to eventually having their life and soul torn out of them right in front of you...then come and try to tell me what you said again. Tell me, how YOU are and what you think/feel, after over 10yrs of watching your sibling and family suffer through the disease of addiction. How did you do watching your parents heartbreak? How did you feel when you couldn’t save your sibling from themselves and the disease? Tell me how you’re doing after your other brother died young from cancer (and the kids no longer have a father) and then your mom dies in your arms while all she wanted to do was live! How your mother didn’t want to leave you and you didn’t want to leave her. And you tried everything you could and learned everything you could as her caregiver. Your dad crying in your arms over every loss, his heartbreak and now worrying if he will be okay...How strong is your stomach for seeing that type of thing? Could you do it?! Because I did and I actually know how devastating it is. I know what it’s like to live with all of that every day.” I didn’t say that to her though... She could never grasp that and what my life is like. What my grief is like. How my life has been and what I’ve endured. I don’t need her pity, I don’t need to be the victim, martyr, or understood by her. I don’t need a pat on the back. I just needed her not to say anything.  If she wanted to let me know she cares, then she could have just said she cares and left it at that. 

    I wanted and chose to be a caregiver and I have zero regrets. I knew it would cause me all of this and still, I would choose it all over again for my loved ones. It just BLOWS my mind the carelessness of what she said to me. I know people mean well, in her mind she probably thought she was somehow being helpful and she felt like she needed to say her personal truth about what was in her mind and blah, blah, blah...but in MY current state of grief this week, I don’t have my usual tolerance for that type of thing. And I didn’t have my peacemaker nature that day on how to explain to her how to approach people that are grieving from serious loss. Usually, I can approach that type of situation in a way where I don’t let the ignorance in to my safety bubble. However, right now I’m raw, vulnerable and need love. Not a debate from someone who didn’t have any of what happened to me, happen to them. I say this often about others who haven’t had loss and I’ll say it about her; I’m truly glad that she doesn’t know loss like this. Truly. Because it’s an earthquake in the heart and soul that you never get over, you only learn how to cope and it’s a long journey to deal and cope. And I don’t think she’s a bad person at her core at all. I am amazed though that she has a bachelors in psychology and social work and said the things that she said to me. Her and I have volunteered together with kids and so what she said to me completely shocked me. I shed a few tears in front of her because I couldn’t hold them back and I hate that I let her get to me. I’m letting it go now that I vented all of that out. I am not going to let it keep bothering me. The next time I have to see her in a professional setting, I will be kind, speak my truth and defend myself if need be...but I will keep my distance. Maybe down the line, when I’m not raw, I can try and explain how it made me feel and maybe both of our perspectives will have changed by then. I don’t know...it just made me feel like “Wow...there’s a lot of work to do in the world in regard to how grief is approached, how the grieving are approached, and the misunderstandings of addiction and what is really happening with why so many die and are dying from the disease.” It was disheartening and I know I don’t have all the answers and I’m by far not perfect. I’m just a person doing my best to honor my grief and find what works for me in terms of coping and finding my new normal. I’m doing everything I know how to do to keep going forward and help other people like me and receive help and love in return from others that know what this is like. Getting it out is the only way I know to let it go. So, here’s to letting it go, forgiveness and tolerance. Tolerance from me and for me when I act in a way that I’m not proud of either because I really don’t like feeling and thinking this way.

  10. Dear KimbyM1, Sending you a lot of love. Nothing prepares you for that. I am so sorry for your loss. My mom went quickly after her cancer diagnosis and it is still a huge shock. We thought we would have more time with her because they didn’t say a stage for the cancer (my dad told the doc they didn’t want to know. That bothers me still). She had the confusion as well near the end and I think about it often, that is more than extremely difficult. Those “I love you’s” are so beautiful. I cherish the memories I have of my mom saying them to me. I quit my job to be with my mom and didn’t leave her side. We were intially told she would have chemo and and operation. They weren’t forth coming in the fact that she would be gone so quickly and so I’m glad I quit my job and flew back to be with her. I stayed with my dad for 6 months after and still think I should probably be with him, but I needed a break from being in her house and take care of myself better (mentally, physically, spiritually) and couldn't do that there. Caregiving was intense and took a toll on me. Also, me being there that long...in a way, was stopping us both from making steps forward in learning to do things on our own without her. My therapist was worried that I would become the stand in crutch and not live my own life. He wanted to make sure I didn’t completely take on her role (putting my life on complete back burner) because I’m also young and before this, was hoping to maybe meet someone and one day get married and have kids. I still worry about my dad every day, but others have stepped in to be around him without me there and it has been good for him. If I feel he needs me there sooner, I will go sooner, but decided to try a month away and see how we both do. I empathize with how you and your dad feel because I felt/ feel the same way. Being around everything she made so beautiful and all of her things without her there was causing me deep distress. I kept thinking she would walk in the door at any moment, but also knew she wouldn’t. I haven’t been able to sort all of her things and get rid of them. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel the time is right, but I am going to try again in the next couple of months because my dad is being forced to move out of the house. All of it is unbelievable. I know that you are worried about hurting your dad further, but if you’re not ready to go through her things, then you have to be honest with him and let him know that you need more time. Everyones grief is different and we don’t all deal with it the same and it’s so important to be gentle with yourself. A lot of people only focus on the spouses loss and it’s a profound loss for us too. I was upset every time one of the visitors we would have, moved things in the house because I knew things would never be the same and I was trying to hold on to those parts of her. I gently let people know how I was feeling regarding that and they understood and were supportive. If you are comfortable with it, maybe one of your moms friends can help him go through some of her things. I let my dad and moms best friend know what was off limits for me in regard to what I wanted to personally sort and then put the most important items to me in my old bedroom until I get back there, so that there wouldn’t be confusion. I managed to get rid of non personal items like extra linens, bathroom stuff that wasn’t personal, extra glass wear that wasn’t heirloom, I kept pictures but gave the frames away and gave some nick nacks that I knew I didn’t want to family and friends (because I knew they would love them and then I wouldn’t feel as bad because I would know they were going to someone who truly cared). Sample: I’m not going to personally keep 10 vases (I could never use that many), so I’ll keep three and give the others to best friends of hers. I hope that you can maybe get your dad out of the house some. With my dad, it helps him to tinker in the garage, go for drives and put his grief into physical action. A BIG hug to you and your sibling. We’re here for you, Nicole
  11. Linda, I am sending so much love your way and energy for comfort and moments of peace in your mind and heart. When I surpassed 33 (the age when my first brother died), it was hard for me to express how I felt and you have done that so honestly and openly with your share. At the one year mark and and again when I turned his age, I thought about who he was and the life he had made for himself in the short amount of years he had. He was an amazing person and such a deep soul. He was the peace maker, the smart one we went to for advice. He was good looking, talented, cared about everyone. He had a wife, two kids and started a business all before the age of 33. That’s not something I was able to accomplish at the age and even now at 40yrs old. He truly understood me and I always think about what the trajectory of my life would have been if he didn’t die. If he didn’t die, maybe my other brother wouldn’t have spiraled out and eventually lost his life by pain and addiction last year (he never was able to cope with the loss). Maybe my mom wouldn’t have had all the grief that probably caused her cancer and premature death in this last year. And most of all, I feel I wouldn’t be this lost and alone feeling such deep grief, life would be completely different for my whole family had he lived...But it didn’t happen that way and so I’m doing my best to cope with the abundance of emotions that go a long with such deep love and loss. I want to get to a point where I can live a life my brothers and mother would be proud of me for and excited about. In all of this hurt and pain, I hold on to the fact that we knew such love and closeness. Some people never experience that type of love and we had it with our siblings. I did a balloon release on the first anniversary. 33 balloons and a card I wrote to him. For my recent loss of my next brother last November I set off a lantern that went high up in the sky with love, gratitude for the relationship and closeness we had for each other. I released it with hope for the future. My brother that just passed and me were always called twins because of how tight we were. It felt good to do those things. For my mom, I am getting and engraving at her favorite botanical garden and have put the word out to friends and family to visit that garden and think of her when they see the beauty and flowers (because flowers were something she loved to grow and took pride in). All of that doesn’t take away the grief, but it honors it, them, and the love we felt. Many hugs to you. I do know how it feels to go through this and be on the journey. My heart is with you.
  12. What a weird day...some calm, then some crying, then pushing myself to take a walk...(I was glad that I did) there were lots of beautiful flowers along the walk...to then finding out through a text my aunt passed away... so back to sadness and then my only living brother reminding me that I will be ok and that I’ve always been a strong person and to keep at it...then to my dad texting and saying he took my advice on being patient with a friend and his frustration with them. It felt really good to hear that from my dad. It’s progress. After all of that, I just sat in my place quietly the rest of the night thinking about life and telling myself after darkness comes light and that tomorrow when I wake up, I plan on putting my grief aside for a bit and try to smile and enjoy the day and opportunity it brings. It was an exercise all day to quell the anxiety I constantly feel, but I keep a good handle on it and I’ll take that as an accomplishment today. 

  13. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Pam. You are right. They wouldn’t want us to go through the rest of our lives this way and I know that we won’t. We fill find acceptance, peace and joy again. I have had glimpses and I know there is more to come. I just need to trust that. We will find our way. I know that through my losses I have been able to help my friends that have experienced loss after mine and although I hate that they have to experience loss too, I’m comforted that I can help them in any way. I’m about to go to bed and I’m thinking about how blessed I am to have known such love like I had with my mom and siblings. In the last few days the universe has started to invite me back in to the creative work that I used to do before all of this. I am dipping my toe back in to it and I think it’s going to be very good for me in the way of starting a base to go from. I’m still up and down and cried at an Oscar party my friend had over the weekend, but that’s ok. I told my friends how I was truly feeling and they actually cried with me and I think understood more of why I’m where I’m at with my grief. It was cathardic. I hope this week brings you some smiles and many hugs and comfort. Nicole
  14. So many beautiful things you expressed. I love that you feel it’s the in between that counts. When I think about my life, I know that I am blessed and lucky to have had so much love and still experience close meaningful relationships. I am making that concentrated effort to focus on that. I am sorry for the loss of your dad and your uncle. I too know that it’s the circle of life and that I will continue to experience losing those that I love and so it’s important for me to be present in the realtionships I have and to nurture them. I love hearing that you’ve been smiling more and tapping into emotions and memories that brought you joy. It inspires me.
  15. Dear tee2002, Your post resonates with me. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sibling. I feel the same way. For me, grief has been debilitating. Hard to eat, sleep, function and feel anything but the heartache and pain. I am no stranger to loss. My first serious loss was my brother in 2006. And most recently in the last year, my other brother and my mom. I feel alone and lost too. I know everything I’m feeling and thinking is normal for grief, but it’s a super hard place to be. What helps me is reminding myself that it takes time to feel better and that I have to keep trying and going in life no matter what. Although I feel alone, I know that if something happened to me others would be affected and so I am continuing to do my best with taking care of myself. I make myself go to therapy to have professional help. I do this even when I don’t want to and feel like I can’t. I tell myself I don’t have the option of not going if I want to get to a place where I feel better. I know from my first loss that my therapy is imperative for my well being. I also have started acupuncture. I make lunch or dinner plans once a week with whoever is available (even though it’s so hard to make the effort of getting up and out) so that I have one social thing to keep me connected. When no one is available to meet me (because I live a pretty solo life), I make sure that I order pick up food, or starbucks, so that I have interaction with someone and it usually changes my mood for the better. Basically I’m doing one mind, body and spirit thing per week to hopefully find balance and some sort of new normal. Other things that I do are writing whatever I feel (even if it’s scribbles or random words and thoughts), taking a walk a day (even if just to the mailbox), crying when I need to (which is a lot), reading a few pages a day of T.J. Wray’s “Surviving The Death Of A Sibling” (and learning how others coped), eating something, and resting. It’s ok to feel how we feel. We lost the most important people in our lives. All of our memories and love were intertwined with our siblings and so to find our way after losing them is more than difficult. We have to talk about them and what we’re feeling to process the loss and help ourselves. So many hugs to you, Nicole
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.