When the support has faded and disappeared.

[Lisaislost]

Feeling sorry for myself this weekend. I haven’t heard from people who promised to keep in touch. It’s just another loss for me. I can feel a good bedtime cry coming on. 

I hate weekends!

[floyd11554]

1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

Feeling sorry for myself this weekend. I haven’t heard from people who promised to keep in touch. It’s just another loss for me. I can feel a good bedtime cry coming on. 

I hate weekends!

It is amazing how many say if you need anything or if you need this I am there for you and then just up and disappear.  It has really shown true colors to me and has only reaffirmed why I have no issues moving far away in a year without even looking back.  I am so sorry you are having one of the moments tonight.   It is why this place has been such a blessing having that outlet and support when it so lacks at home.

On a bright note for once I did see her parents today and spent the whole afternoon with them.  It was very pleasant and made me feel a little better than I had been lately.  Plus I was able to get the ashes for the pendant I had bought which also was comforting.  

[Nicash]

On 3/16/2018 at 11:29 PM, floyd11554 said:

I don't think nicoleashley94 was being out of line at all in offering her opinion on the book.  What is good for one is not always good or right for another.  I appreciate her suggestion just as well as any others and after reading this one I will seek out hers because even if I take a tiny bit from each and it helps me in some way it is a success for me right now.  As KayC said, we come here also for suggestion and help and in that help all I want is honesty from someone and that honesty I thank and appreciate.   I have enough people blowing smoke up my ass here at home.  

Thank you! I thought people were giving suggestions and I gave my suggestion, that’s all. I also felt comfortable giving this suggestionto you, Floyd because I know that we have spoken before and related to one another a bit.

[Nicash]

9 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

It is amazing how many say if you need anything or if you need this I am there for you and then just up and disappear.  It has really shown true colors to me and has only reaffirmed why I have no issues moving far away in a year without even looking back.  I am so sorry you are having one of the moments tonight.   It is why this place has been such a blessing having that outlet and support when it so lacks at home.

On a bright note for once I did see her parents today and spent the whole afternoon with them.  It was very pleasant and made me feel a little better than I had been lately.  Plus I was able to get the ashes for the pendant I had bought which also was comforting.  

I’m so happy that you saw her parents and got some of the ashes for the pendant. That must feel so good. 

I’m envious! 

[KayC]

I'm also glad you got the ashes for the pendant and got to spend time with her parents.  I swear, all of our friends disappeared on me when George died, PLUS George's family.  I have a little contact with his kids who are out of state, I never have met them, but at least they're on FB.

[Nicash]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I'm also glad you got the ashes for the pendant and got to spend time with her parents.  I swear, all of our friends disappeared on me when George died, PLUS George's family.  I have a little contact with his kids who are out of state, I never have met them, but at least they're on FB.

My boyfriends family disappeared too. I think they’re trying to forget him honestly which is weird and hurtful. 

When I had my session with the medium, she knew Jakes  mom had gone through His apartment and didn’t give me anything of his and his mom also said she would give me his ashes and never did.. the medium communicated that my boyfriend is very pissed off over this - which was comforting to hear. 

[Michelene]

I did not expect I would have to do all the calling. "Call me anytime, day or night." I already feel abandoned. Why should I always have to call? It makes me feel like I am imposing on people. 

[floyd11554]

5 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

I’m so happy that you saw her parents and got some of the ashes for the pendant. That must feel so good. 

I’m envious! 

I was feeling pretty bad over the weekend cause I thought I was getting the cold shoulder but that was all in my head considering everyone else that has just vanished.  I felt a lot better after spending the day with them and just talking about everything.   They are just trying to process everything and get by each day just as I am.  They also gave me a suggestion on the ashes and that I should get a small urn of my own to have along with the pendant.   I'm hoping I will get to see them more often now and try to go visit them every few weeks.   Just seeing them once yesterday is more times than I have seen 95% of my own family since the wake.

[floyd11554]

26 minutes ago, Michelene said:

I did not expect I would have to do all the calling. "Call me anytime, day or night." I already feel abandoned. Why should I always have to call? It makes me feel like I am imposing on people. 

I completely understand this.  I don't believe in inviting myself over or trying to intrude on other peoples busy lives.  If someone is being genuine then they will reach out to us and not just assume we are fine cause we haven't reached out.  

[Tineke H]

'Friends' that disappeared after your spouse dies were not really friends in the first place.That is how I see it.

One very positive thing that came out of Steve dying is that I got to know his sister really well.We now skype every Sunday(she is in Ireland, I am in Australia) and we message each other a few times a week.And I went to see her in Ireland last year and will go again this June.

Top on the list of things we grievers do not want to hear is : 'You can call me any time'.Second is : 'Are you feeling any better yet?'.Third is ,but that is a negative : Them not mentioning the person that died anymore.

I cant complain too much.I have many caring sensitive people around me.They are used to seeing me cry and they don't mind.And they do mention Steve.But not often enough in my mind!

[KayC]

NicoleAshley,

I'm sorry you were not given any ashes or belongings.  My response that you quoted was in response to Floyd.

I do not get or agree with how people abandon us because we lost our partner.  That's just further injury we did not need!  I would never ever do that to someone, nor would I have even if I had not gone through this, that just is not in line with my thinking of what a friend should be.

[Nicash]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

NicoleAshley,

I'm sorry you were not given any ashes or belongings.  My response that you quoted was in response to Floyd.

I do not get or agree with how people abandon us because we lost our partner.  That's just further injury we did not need!  I would never ever do that to someone, nor would I have even if I had not gone through this, that just is not in line with my thinking of what a friend should be.

Yeah, I knew it was for Floyd but it resonated with me. I don’t get it either the pain is already hard enough don’t need the extra pain.   

[KavitaHubby]

I would just say that those people don't know how to react who left us and were our friends or relatives. If I go back in time and think may be I would be same as these area is where no body is expert. The best thing you can do is make new friends as they will know your status from day one and if they are interested then only friendship moves forward. Try to find someone with whom you can share anything be that person your brother sister or new friend. I made some friends from this forum and we chat almost everyday, we laugh cry and discuss what ever we cannot discuss with others.

[KayC]

We might not have known what to say to someone who lost their spouse before it happened to us, but I would not have ignored, abandoned, or deserted them in their time of need, that's just not me.  I would have brought food, a sympathy card, and lent a listening ear whenever they wanted one.  No excuse, sorry!  But your idea about making new friends is the best thing we can do under the circumstances.  I did, and we were very close until she moved away a few years later.  I'm making new friends now.  The other night it hit me hard, how alone I was, and I reached out to one of those new friends, it really helped, and it also lets her know she can reach out to me whenever she wants too.

[Stonesie]

I think we all go through this.  I feel very alone too.  My husband's parents, who I thought were very close to me and my daughters...they have pretty much just tossed us aside.  I know they are grieving too, but it hurts.  It hurts to see my children (and a grandson!) just forgotten most of the time.  I am lucky to still have my two girls and my grandbaby (another grandbaby any day now too - which is another can of worms - so unfair that I will see this and Kevin won't) but it still hurts.

As far as friends - I too had all the folks saying "you'll never be alone, I am there for you"... they are all gone.  Gone back to their happy lives.  And I feel like I'm just standing here.

All I can do is try (and damn it is so hard) to look and see the good things I still have like my dogs, kids, etc.  

Some days just suck.

Sorry that when I visit here it is usually on my worst days.  Wish I could be this awesome beacon of hope...but I'm not.

My heart breaks for you too.  We belong to a very unfortunate club.

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, Stonesie said:

I think we all go through this.  I feel very alone too.  My husband's parents, who I thought were very close to me and my daughters...they have pretty much just tossed us aside.  I know they are grieving too, but it hurts.  It hurts to see my children (and a grandson!) just forgotten most of the time.  I am lucky to still have my two girls and my grandbaby (another grandbaby any day now too - which is another can of worms - so unfair that I will see this and Kevin won't) but it still hurts.

As far as friends - I too had all the folks saying "you'll never be alone, I am there for you"... they are all gone.  Gone back to their happy lives.  And I feel like I'm just standing here.

All I can do is try (and damn it is so hard) to look and see the good things I still have like my dogs, kids, etc.  

Some days just suck.

Sorry that when I visit here it is usually on my worst days.  Wish I could be this awesome beacon of hope...but I'm not.

My heart breaks for you too.  We belong to a very unfortunate club.

if we couldn't post on our worse days this forum would not be the right fit for any of us.  No worries!!!

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Stonesie said:

I think we all go through this.  I feel very alone too.  My husband's parents, who I thought were very close to me and my daughters...they have pretty much just tossed us aside.  I know they are grieving too, but it hurts.  It hurts to see my children (and a grandson!) just forgotten most of the time.  I am lucky to still have my two girls and my grandbaby (another grandbaby any day now too - which is another can of worms - so unfair that I will see this and Kevin won't) but it still hurts.

As far as friends - I too had all the folks saying "you'll never be alone, I am there for you"... they are all gone.  Gone back to their happy lives.  And I feel like I'm just standing here.

All I can do is try (and damn it is so hard) to look and see the good things I still have like my dogs, kids, etc.  

Some days just suck.

Sorry that when I visit here it is usually on my worst days.  Wish I could be this awesome beacon of hope...but I'm not.

My heart breaks for you too.  We belong to a very unfortunate club.

I experienced that too...my husband's family disappeared and so did all our friends.  Hang in there, you'll make new ones...think of this as a weeding out process.

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I experienced that too...my husband's family disappeared and so did all our friends.  Hang in there, you'll make new ones...think of this as a weeding out process.

I think that is part of reaching the 5-6th month mark maybe?  His two friends that kept in touch just enough disappeared.  The friends we made together are still there but it seems I have to reach out.  My personal friends are still with me. I shake my head as to how this seems to just happen.  The people that reach out and keep in touch are a true blessing. the reality it is our journey and we have to find the ways to move through each day.  

[Azipod]

The problem is that no one out there have the slightest clue to what we deal with on a daily basis.  All they see is some sad event which resulted in us losing someone special.  However, that's only the surface.   If people out there spent just a day in our shoes, they will see how much of a grind every minute is from the moment we wake up in the morning to when we go to sleep at night.   And you know what the scariest part of all of this?     It's not just ONE day.   It's EVERYDAY for the rest of our lives!

[Sunflower2]

15 hours ago, Azipod said:

The problem is that no one out there have the slightest clue to what we deal with on a daily basis.  All they see is some sad event which resulted in us losing someone special.  However, that's only the surface.   If people out there spent just a day in our shoes, they will see how much of a grind every minute is from the moment we wake up in the morning to when we go to sleep at night.   And you know what the scariest part of all of this?     It's not just ONE day.   It's EVERYDAY for the rest of our lives!

I've actually visualized a couple of these people experiencing just one day!!!!!!!  I know that isn't kind of me but it is going to happen to them.

[Azipod]

9 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

I've actually visualized a couple of these people experiencing just one day!!!!!!!  I know that isn't kind of me but it is going to happen to them.

I know and I think the same way too. It may not happen soon but 50% will get to go through this kind of tragedy.  The other 50% are the lucky ones who get to go first.

Wouldnt it be great if couples get to die together?  It would be the most beautiful thing to be able to make the life transition together.

[Tineke H]

Hi Azipod,I know of(elderly) couples who could not face the idea of living without one another and they committed suicide together.I can fully understand that is the way to go.How much suffering would be saved if we could all go like that.Still the act of suicide would cause suffering to many others : siblings,children,friends.

We are suffering now, but the suffering will change.It will become less painful, less acute and less overwhelming.

[KayC]

Azipod,

That would have been me and George's wish...and anyone who knew us would not have wished otherwise for they knew how close we were and how we were always together and so in love.

The intensity of this evolves in time, perhaps because we get more used to it, perhaps we hone our coping skills, I don't know, but the tears eventually dry up, the pain becomes less acute, but the missing them continues on, there is no end to the love and missing them, we just learn to live with it.

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, Azipod said:

I know and I think the same way too. It may not happen soon but 50% will get to go through this kind of tragedy.  The other 50% are the lucky ones who get to go first.

Wouldnt it be great if couples get to die together?  It would be the most beautiful thing to be able to make the life transition together.

that sounds beautiful  "transitioning together" xo   

[Jeff In Denver]

Sadly, this is very, very common.   It's jarring even when you recognize how this will go, as you did.  Most people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s haven't lost the person they can't live without.  They have no idea what it's like.  They can't imagine.  How can they?

And then comes the ol' "it's time for you to move on" non-advice.  They say that not because they want you to move on, but because they want to be able to move on from seeing you this way.  They are uncomfortable seeing you in this state.  At least that's what I have heard and what I believe.

I am not making excuses for them.  It's an awful reality.

KayC nails it here:  "The intensity of this evolves in time, perhaps because we get more used to it, perhaps we hone our coping skills, I don't know, but the tears eventually dry up, the pain becomes less acute, but the missing them continues on, there is no end to the love and missing them, we just learn to live with it."

 

 

[Lisaislost]

@Jeff In DenverI suppose you’re are right. They want to live a life without a loss like ours. We are a reminder that their world can be turned upside down without warning. I hope if they learn anything from us, it’s to count their blessings. 

 

[KayC]

George died nearly 13 years ago.  It changed how I view everything, how I see life.  I cannot take anything for granted.  I appreciated every day I had with him, but I honestly thought he'd live years more.  Over nine years ago I adopted a dog, Arlie, and he means the world to me.  Yet ever since I adopted him, in the back of my mind I know I can lose him and it terrifies me.  I don't think I would have thought about it so much "before", but having been through a loss like ours changes us, it makes us more aware of the what ifs.  I can't live in fear so I try to ignor that nagging thought and just appreciate each day I have with him, but I'm also aware that it's coming someday.  A friend of mine lost her husband about nine years ago.  Three years ago she remarried.  They are very happy together yet I wonder how hard it must be to know they're once again going to face that tremendous loss.  I guess it's the price we pay for loving and it's worthwhile just to have that time together vs. not.  We have to focus on our blessings and not just the loss or we miss so much.

[Sunflower2]

I would love to love and be loved like that again.  I understand what you shared.  The pain is intense but the connection was something I'm still in awe of.  Right now so much is still so raw so I'm not sure some of my share thoughts make any sense,  I'm also in shock of the little things that need attention. little things like running out of data on my cell phone.  Needing a key pad for garage door.  Daily reminders how different my life is.  I do not like this place but it is the place I'm in and as shared on this forum "we have to move through the pain."  This morning I'm again experiencing the disconnect with some people.  It's a feeling.  Know its really about them and not me but in pre loss I wouldn't even be in these spaces with these people.  Part of the process is creating new connections.  It seems going to re-energize past contacts are not bringing that flow of some comfort.  I'm approach the past few days is taking care of what needs to be taken care of asap and putting other thoughts, ideas into an "incubation" mode. Important things that simply cant be dealt with or addressed now...a move, worrying about the future etc.

[KayC]

This takes a lot out of us, doesn't it.  Things they used to handle are now ours to figure out.  On top of missing them and the emotional pain we go through.

[Michelene]

On 5/8/2018 at 5:08 AM, Sunflower2 said:

 The pain is intense but the connection was something I'm still in awe of. 

yes, this is how I feel as well

[KayC]

That's a beautiful way to put it.

[Jeff In Denver]

KayC, I really like the last line in your posts.  I saw this today and thought it might be appropriate:

"Human life is eternal, and what is to come is better than your most optimistic imaginings."

 

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

"Human life is eternal, and what is to come is better than your most optimistic imaginings."

 

Love! Thank you!

[KayC]

Jeff,

I so agree!  I remind myself that this time here is but brief...it is in eternity that we will begin forever together.