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Jeff In Denver

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About Jeff In Denver

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  1. No question that he would be dealing with the same thing. In my way of thinking, you are "carrying" the pain for him. (I didn't make that up, I read that somewhere else and it stayed with me). Maybe I am putting myself in a higher position than I deserve, but I think my Mila would have been dealing with the same thing. I would rather be the one who has to absorb this and deal with the ongoing sadness.
  2. From what I hear, night visits aren't dreams. They are very vivid, powerful, and realistic. They say that signs are not coincidental. If you find a feather on your porch, a penny, etc., it doesn't really tell you anything. With a sign there is a "bridge" from what you see to something that strongly associates it with a certain person.
  3. "They became increasingly critical of me and thought I was too slow in my recovery and that Patrick would not want me to be so unhappy." Both of those things are so common and so hard to hear. As though we're supposed to grieve on someone else's timetable. And the ol' "he/she wouldn't want you to be so unhappy" line is another one of those well-meaning-but-hurtful comments. I have never understood why people say that. Of course whoever has crossed over wouldn't want us to be unhappy, but it's not up to them. Feeling devastated is a natural and logical reaction to such a catastrophic loss and we have to deal with it. Knowing that someone else, in spirit or in the flesh, wouldn't want us to feel that way is understandable, but it doesn't reduce the pain of our reality.
  4. I am sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. It's sad to say that you are not alone with experiencing disappointing people's reactions. People who haven't lost the person they can't live without are the only ones who believe that time heals grief. It doesn't. If you had a leg amputated I am sure it would be traumatic emotionally. Over time you would adapt. You would always think about it, I'm sure, but you would find a way to get around. Time wouldn't have healed anything. You would just be doing the best you can with what you have now. I don't think grief is much different in that regard. And you can't expect much from people.
  5. I know it sounds like a rote response, but it's not meant that way. I'm sorry about your losses. I don't have a high opinion of grief counseling. My thought: There is only one thing that will help - to have the person back, and no one can do that. The only thing that has helped me is the hope that this isn't the end; that it's a short interlude before we meet again, forever. On the other hand, that is only my opinion. Plenty of people believe it has helped them, and that is what matters. It is a fact the grief hits different people in different ways. No one can truly know how one person feels about it except them. The old "be strong" line is one of many well-meaning-but-unhelpful suggestions. It makes no sense at all. P.S. It's good to see that you're still here, KayC. You have been very supportive to a lot of people over the years.
  6. HPB, Thanks for posting that. I m sorry that you had to go through it. Brazil Man, I have talked to two psychologists about this, and even they don't understand me when I tell them I will always be unhappy without my girlfriend, as though it is a decision, rather than the result of a horrific loss.
  7. I received this from the Forever Family Foundation today.
  8. Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate them. I did stop by yesterday and will have a beer with him today. This is not the time to be petty. I read all of your responses in detail. Many thanks. Sunflower2, thanks. ForGetMeNot150 - good post. Thanks. Sunshine247 - I appreciate it! Yes, Milagros - miracles... Widower2, I hear you. You put it very well. I no longer see my "friends" as true friends after that, no matter how I frame it in my mind. I felt totally abandoned and it's hard to forget that. I know I have a tendency toward spite and revenge, and I think I should work on that. Jamiei, I am sorry that you have gone through the abandonment aspect also. KayC, thank you. You're always so insightful and helpful here.
  9. I have three friends who all live within one block of where I live. When I lost my girlfriend in June of 2016, they were scarce. One of my friends, let's call him Tom, lost his wife yesterday. She had been sick for 6 months and he was with her 24/7. Now, understandably, after 6 months of taking care of her he doesn't know what to do with himself. No kids or relatives, either. Let's back up. He was in the hospital a number of years ago, and true to form, my girlfriend, Mila, visited him every day. However, when she was in the hospital (a lot), he never came to visit her. He never came to the house when she was sick, either. And when she was gone he never came over to see how I was, and neither did my other two friends. I never felt so alone. I felt abandoned. One of our friends has been e-mailing me about how we should take him out to lunch, how I should go over there for a beer, etc. I feel really guilty about this, but I don't really feel the urge to do that. I feel very reserved. It seems selfish and immature on my side, but I vividly recall how it went for me in 2016, and I am not happy about it. And I am still grieving. I really, really miss my girlfriend. On the other hand, I have an idea of what he is going through, although he seems to be handling it well. I also have to keep in mind that he didn't know what this was like back then, and neither do my other two friends. You can't know unless it happens to you. Has anyone been through this? Any suggestions? Thanks.
  10. Without (hopefully) sounding trite, I'm sorry to hear about your loss and what you are going through. You're in good company here. While no one knows exactly what you're feeling, we're all dealing with horrific loss in our own way, Will you meet someone like her again? Well, we're all pretty unique. You could very well meet a really good person would would be terrific in other, similar ways. As far as moving on, that means different things for different people. To some people, "moving on" means that they want to meet someone new and move their life in that direction. For others, it means that they (we) have ruled out that direction and our goal is to just make it through each day. There is no right or wrong. Water finds its own level, and I have a feeling that this kind of thing does, also. You can't force it. In the meantime I hope you'll use this forum to share your thoughts.
  11. People who haven't been through this have no idea what it's like. It's hard to remember that, sometimes, but it really is true.
  12. I was probably where you are, but there is no "normal" here. How someone else feels is unknowable, There are really no rights and wrongs with how you handle it. However, experts say that trying to "be strong" or otherwise force yourself to think or act a certain way does nothing good. It might help to know that there are no grief stages. Losing someone who means so much to you is indescribably difficult. The shock, horror, and sadness are like nothing else. I'm at just over 2 years and it sucks. I think about my girlfriend constantly. I now find myself getting use to this new reality. That isn't the same as being okay with it, of course. Someone posted this a while ago, and it's great. Dr. Bill Webster also has some very good videos on this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GDTbtePHUU&feature=youtu.be
  13. That sure sounds like a night visitation and not a dream. When it is really vivid and feels real, that's a great sign that it's the real deal. I hope you receive many more.
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