When

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, John9 said:

foreverhis,

I understand the concept of things diminishing over time, as I said I have had many losses over the years but nothing in terms of this kind a loss. I don't see me being able to process this very well to get there. I think part of the problem I have is as the time passes the few people who were here for me are moving further away. I didn't want to be alone at this part of my life and here I am.

I felt the same way for a pretty long time.  I couldn't even say when I started to move forward in little baby steps--two steps forward, one step back for sure--and when the crushing weight started to be not quite as heavy.  I wouldn't say my grief has diminished, but it is evolving into something I can carry with me.  I guess patience really is a virtue because we have no choice in the matter now. Your journey will be unique, but the one thing I urge you to do is not look too far down the road.  When I did, I found it to be not just scary and overwhelming, but giving me a feeling of even more hopelessness. 

But none of what I experienced and am experiencing will help you now with your raw, impossible burden of grief.  You're right that there is no loss like this, which is kind of how I ended up here about 6 months after John died.  I was fed up with people we didn't know well trying to compare some other loss to mine.  It didn't matter to me that they were probably just trying to connect because they didn't "know" how I felt, they couldn't imagine my loss, and my heart and mind heard it as minimizing my grief.  So much of the time I felt lost and hopeless, even though I had and somehow still have a loving, loyal circle of friends and family.  No one in my life, except one extended family member whose husband died a few years before John, could truly understand.  They continue to be wonderful, but are well aware that they don't fully "get it."  I tell them that I hope it's a very long time before they do.

Being here helped me get through some truly black times when I was down in the dark pit and couldn't see much of anything else.  I hope it helps you too.

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I came up with variations of that because I couldn't stomach saying "fine" anymore.

I remember saying, "As well as can be expected.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, John9 said:

If I am an example of the feeling of abandonment after  the death then we need to all do better. I have gotten more support from relative strangers than from so called friends and family.

I experienced that too.  Every "friend" we had disappeared pronto!  My family cared but had not a clue as none of them had lost their spouse except my mom and now she's gone too.  It was hard to talk to her as she was mentally ill.  No grief groups in my area.  I eventually started one but that was years later.  I was pretty much alone in this aside from my grief forum.  You've already figured out that people are uncomfortable with grief as well as uneducated about it so they disappear or say inappropriate things.  We all choose how we handle this, if I knew then what I know now I would have printed an article for them about how to help people through grief or one that states appropriate responses...might not change anything for me but might help them know how to respond to the next one, but then again, maybe not.

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I Not Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

[John9]

Just received a phone call from one of the last people who has been supporting me saying that she changed her mind about coming over this week to visit. So and then there were none. I can't be mad about people having a life but don't say you are coming if you don't want to come. It hurts worse when someone plans something and then changes their mind. My wife and I were used to our son doing that all the time, he would make plans to see us until or unless he had a better "offer". All I know is at some point the last visit becomes the last visit you didn't make or the last call you didn't make. I have told anyone that does talk to me that I can't make anyone call or visit all I can do is offer. I told them I am at the house caring for MIL, they are busy if and when they want to talk or visit I am here.

[LMR]

John9. I am so sorry. It is hard enough without feeling abandoned. As I posted earlier today I am having a tough time and what I need is someone to cry with. The one friend I thought I could do this with has stopped responding to my calls. I haven't hounded her and I've always given her the benefit of the doubt but recently learned that the excuses were not always valid. I thought she was my best friend! I thought she understood.

My family have been unable to visit because of travel restrictions but eventually we will get together. You are always caring for your MIL, do you get any support there in return or is she too ill?

Hugs

 

[John9]

LMR,

I am sorry that you are going through this too. I knew early on in this that my wife's "friends" weren't there for me and my son is my son, but my wife's aunt was being very supportive but now I think she has had enough of my "whining" and it was a fear I had from the beginning and thought I would "have" her until MIL died (her sister) and then she would leave me. MIL is "always" napping and when awake she is too confused to converse and unable to follow what is said. I unfortunately don't have anyone that I can talk to unless they call me as I said everyone has a life and this is now mine. I am like the cartoon of someone staring at the phone wishing it to ring. This is not the life I signed up for, I hate being alone after 35 years of not being alone and I'm too old for this crap. I can't just go out and get new friends it is too scary out there.

[John9]

LMR,

I had to go back and look before making the statement, I don't see an earlier post from today. I thought it was on a different page, maybe a different topic. So I am commenting on the post I saw.

[LMR]

15 minutes ago, John9 said:

LMR,

I had to go back and look before making the statement, I don't see an earlier post from today. I thought it was on a different page, maybe a different topic. So I am commenting on the post I saw.

Sorry if I misled you. I posted under 'one year' and I guess it was more like last night but as I go whole days without sleeping I'm out of sync.

[LMR]

Its strange because it is mostly my husband's friends who have been supportive. I have other people I can go and spend ten minutes with. I have had to actively work on keeping these going because there are days when I just have to speak to someone or I feel like I will explode. The local library is a good place to go. Always very welcoming.

[John9]

LMR,

it's okay not misled, I have noticed sometimes posts don't seem to show for me and I wasn't sure. I have stated that without the "clock" we had bought for MIL so she would know days, month, time, etc. I wouldn't even know most days from any other. I knew when it mattered now nothing matters it's like I'm just sucking up oxygen that someone else could use. I hate this so much.

[LMR]

I know exactly what you mean. I keep wondering about spending the rest of my life sat in front of a tv. I suppose A lot of older people do just that but I never felt old before.

[John9]

LMR,

I really only had 3 "friends" in the last 35 years and one of them died in January and my best friend (my wife) died in March and my neighbor is a busy married man who doesn't have any time so I have no one I can talk with if they have no time for me.

[John9]

LMR,

I always had the tv on to distract from overactive brain even before my wife died but now even the commercials trigger a crying fit, so I don't enjoy it anymore. We had our routine as I am sure many couples did when it came to watching together and that is hard too. I have made the comment about how much we enjoyed our food too and now I can barely bring myself to eat anything as I don't enjoy it or care about eating. I feed MIL but most days I don't eat anything.

[LMR]

John9. I was in a similar situation. Just sitting at home with my husband was more fun than anything imaginable with other people so I wouldn't accept invitations from girlfriends. We didn't need everyone else. I am so totally at sea now despite trying really hard.

I barely ate for six months or more. When I did it was newly bought food, not what was in the cupboards and freezer. That was his food and I couldn't touch it. I lost about 20 pounds. I'm eating more now. Not eating well though, it's just become something to pass the time. Like tv, I often sit staring at it with no sound. It just feels a little less lonely.

[John9]

LMR,

That's what I feel like too, just lost. We used to prefer doing "nothing" together than just about anything with anyone else. We used to do the grocery shopping together and and when she died I was dreading the shopping and would come home crying because of the foods she liked. I still can't shop like we did and I used shopping as "therapy" for years just to walk the aisles and veg out. Now I don't have the time because of MIL and all desire about anything is totally gone. When I eat it isn't healthy and I have lost about 40 pounds in the 114 days since she died, we knew we were overweight and were actually starting to do something about it when she died. I have given away foods that she had bought and now I will never cook because I don't need it and won't eat it. MIL can't eat most of the foods we ate because she is also diabetic and I can't eat as much as a single person as a couple. I don't think I will ever be able to do anything we did without losing it and that is sad but it is the truth. As I said I have to have the noise to distract me or else my brain goes to the really bad places and with the noise it goes to the other places. I just want this to end because I don't know how much more I can take. I made a statement to someone earlier that all of the things I am going through are not getting easier or less but just another "AND" . One step forward and two steps back.

[LMR]

John, it is still very early in the journey for you. I hope you will do better than I have. I actually managed the first few months better. I think I had nearly convinced myself that he was in the hospital. I do think that you need to talk about her. Can you find a therapist? Just someone who will listen. I find that pulls me back to happy memories if only for a little while.

[John9]

LMR,

I am not able to do anything right now but care for MIL. My "talking" is here and it does help when I post my comments and write in my journals it is just so hard when I can't talk about her to people who knew her. I know that is part of the personal grieving that I believe is why people abandon the grievers. Avoidance is the best defense I guess. I hope that all of the people that have abandoned "us" never have to deal with this pain but as time passes and they age the odds are not in their favor.

[tnd]

On 7/4/2021 at 6:42 PM, John9 said:

my wife's Doctor never acknowledged her death and he was the one who sent her to ER and yes his office knows she died.

John9:  Went thru the same thing...what's up with that anyways? None of his doctors have called and they were seeing him at the hospital, not just at their offices. Even when he was still alive they wouldn't call me. I would leave messages but nope, they didn't call. Always had to get an update from a nurse. I found that cold, rude and arrogant. But I suppose they were very busy. At least that's what I tell myself. And when I really think about it, I guess it doesn't matter if they call or not because it won't bring back my husband and would only make me cry more. I think about the doctors but then I tell myself it won't change things. 

[tnd]

They didn't know each other but I once knew two men that would make their rounds around town every day after losing their wives. They would stop at their favorite auto repair shops and diners and other places they did business at just to sit and have coffee, read the paper and to be around people. I discovered that they did enjoy conversation. Not sure I could do something like they did but I do know I can probably make friends with just about anybody. Just not up to it right now. As some of you already know, I am moving in with family in another state. I am glad that I will no longer be alone but it is not a move I ever wanted to make. And I will be living very far out in the country...I've been a big city gal for a lot of years and use to noise and seeing/hearing people. And their dogs. I love dog-watching. This is going to be a big adjustment for me, like culture shock. Have no idea how I can meet people when I will be living so far out but I'm not up to that right now anyway. But maybe once I am I will have to find myself a diner or a church or somewhere where there are people. My brother and SIL have 2 teenaged sons. They are in sports. He said him and my SIL's social life evolves around school sports and volunteering with that. So that's another idea for later.  

[SoVerySad]

Thank you John. I am sorry for your loss, too. 

On 7/4/2021 at 8:19 AM, John9 said:

SoVerySad,

I am sorry for your loss. I do want to believe my wife is here with me, but it is hard when I can't see or feel her. I know that she is in the "pieces of my broken heart" and as long as I can "remember" her she is with me. I had tried to post earlier and lost the internet so my response is not quite what it was and I don't fully remember what all I said but this is the basic part of the response.

 

[John9]

tnd,

I don't think that most Doctors really "get" it when dealing with patients and family. That was something that always bothered my wife, she found just about every Doctor she ever went to was very abrupt and cold. I know it wouldn't bring her back and I am always going to be sad anyway but that little bit would have meant something. It would show that she wasn't just a "check" from the Insurance company or a co-pay. This is just the things that will always loop in my brain. I don't have any "routine" that I could follow as far as visiting places because my wife was my whole world and what I did before her death is not possible now since a large part was caring for my friend who died in January. Now all my time is caring for MIL and not much leeway in leaving her. We liked to watch people when we were in public but we preferred to be alone together and now being alone alone is the worst part of all of this. As I have said before if I wanted to be alone I wouldn't have been married to my best friend.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, John9 said:

she changed her mind about coming over this week to visit.

I am so sorry, another hit.  I'm sorry you went through much of that with your son.  I used to hear from mine every couple of weeks, since Covid, nothing.  Don't know what's going on, I know he's busy, but he's always been busy!  Someday these kids will have regrets because I won't be here any more, I hate to see that happen, it's a bitter pill.  I can honestly say I do not have regrets as I was a good daughter to my mom...better than she deserved (she was mentally ill and very difficult!).  I wish you had more support, esp. as you're taking care of your MIL.  I'm in charge of my disabled/dementia sister, it's a lot to deal with.  

[KayC]

13 hours ago, John9 said:

it does help when I post my comments and write in my journals it is just so hard when I can't talk about her to people who knew her.

I'm glad you have this outlet.  I used to journal too, I finally destroyed them as I didn't want people reading them when I'm gone.

I hear what you're saying about not being able to talk to people who knew him because the only one that still does is my sister with dementia and I don't know how long I'll have her left to talk to, very hard.  It's been 16 years so those who knew him are getting more rare...

[John9]

KayC,

I haven't worried about what I write or have written because as sad as it is, all is true. Some of it may be misconstrued to think I am suicidal and for that I would be sorry because at this point I am not for reasons stated before. The statement about dementia is why I can't talk to MIL about my wife, it is too hard to hold a conversation about anything and I hate making her sad again so I don't. I don't want anyone to regret a phone call or visit not made, but that was the comments after my wife died and still nobody "learned" anything. I did tell the aunt when we spoke about the other sisters that when I die she could say "if anyone cares John died too" because they sure don't care that I'm alive.

[April Ballou]

I ask myself "when?" almost everyday.  I know it's only been 10 months since my husband Darrell passed away.  But so many times I think when do the tears stop, or when does it stop hurting so bad.  It's these and many more that cross my mind.  The number one is.  Why him not me?  I think the world would be better that way if I had died and he was here.  But that not the way God intended.  I know that God has something special in store for me.  I just have to be patient and wait.  God will show me or tell me when He's ready.  

[tnd]

3 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Why him not me?  I think the world would be better that way if I had died and he was here.

April Ballou:  I think that too. But then I wonder if he was suppose to go before I do. He's no longer suffering in pain and he really really was suffering. And if I was the one that went before he did, he'd not only still be suffering from the pain of his illness but then, the pain from grief. I would NOT have wanted him to be going through what I am right now. And I don't think he wanted me to be going through this but fact is, he went before I do and I've got to accept grief as a part of my life now. I'm hoping I will feel like I still have choices and be able to choose to enjoy something in this world in the future. Right now it is too hard to think ahead. Go easy on yourself. Grief sure seems to be heavy, like I'm carrying around weights strapped to my back. I would hope our loved ones are better off. 

[April Ballou]

I know that Darrell is better off in heaven than here on this Earth.  And I know about grief there are alot of my family members that have passed away.  But this is different, Darrell was my first and only love.  I knew him all of 8 months then we were married.  And I wouldn't change a thing.  Yes I know Darrell had health issues.  It's just not having him here with me.  Being so alone.  Never lived by myself before.  I went from living with my mother to living with him.  

[John9]

April Ballou,

I ask myself why, when, and all of the other questions daily and actually many times a day. My biggest when is when am I going to die. I have also been told repeatedly that God has a plan and I won't know it until it happens. I just don't see a plan that makes any sense that would take my wife from me and leave me behind to suffer (punishment) and to keep MIL alive suffering through dementia. I am trying to survive one hour at a time but today was another bad day for me. It has been 115 days and I know it's not as long as you but the tears are flowing non-stop morning noon and night.

[John9]

April Ballou,

I didn't see the recent post before I hit send. I was with my wife for 35 years and married 34 years and I hate being alone, I wouldn't have married if I wanted to be alone. She was my best friend and we liked being with each other which now makes it harder. My wife wasn't "sick" until right before she died and I would never have wanted her to be suffering and in constant pain, I don't think she would want me to suffer like this either. It is just too hard for me without her and I want it to end.

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

Being so alone.  Never lived by myself before.  I went from living with my mother to living with him.  

April Ballou:  I spent a lot of years on my own before marrying my husband and despite my experience, I hate being without him. Sure, I imagine it is like a shock for you to be alone when you never have been before but my point is, doesn't matter if a person has been alone before or not. The pain is still the same. I think it's okay to feel how you are feeling because of your grief and missing him. Give yourself permission to grieve and don't look at it like being alone is something you should have learned. Even if you had never been alone before I think you'd still be in pain. I am. Hope you understand what I'm saying. This pain we are feeling is the worst. 

[John9]

tnd,

I have thought the same thing about my wife suffering through the grief if I had died and I know it would have hurt her as much as her death is hurting me. I never would have wanted her to suffer in pain from a long term illness either, but we never had any reason to think she would die so quickly when she had no known illnesses. I don't ever want anyone to suffer and I have seen too much of that recently but my brain just can't process this.

[tnd]

11 minutes ago, John9 said:

I don't ever want anyone to suffer and I have seen too much of that recently but my brain just can't process this.

John9:  Maybe it is going to be something that we will never be able to process. During the days leading up to my husband's death we honestly thought (including him) that he was starting to improve and would be home soon. Then I got the call asking my permission for them to stop CPR. Worst moment in my life and will forever burn in my memory. The shock was too great. The pain even greater. It was horrifying. But I try to keep some sort of routine here by myself just to avoid the exhaustion from crying and reliving that nitemare. Having a routine doesn't help the pain but it allows me to do what I need to do around here. I'm not avoiding grief or trying to push the pain away, I know better than to try that but I do set it aside in increments....do something now, cry later. I also do a lot of self-talk. I've always talked to myself, quietly if not silently. And now I have you good folks to communicate with. That has helped. Still in pain though. I don't think it's going away any time soon. I guess it's the only way I know I'm alive -if I still feel the pain then I must be.    

[John9]

tnd,

I have said the only thing that is keeping me getting up in the morning is MIL. I have a routine involving her care and that fills my day. However today was a weird day and after my 10am routine I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep and got up fed her lunch and after my 2:30pm routine I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep again. First time I did that I believe the pressures and stresses are starting to reach the overload point because nothing is going correctly with all of the other issues I am having. I always talked to myself too and would get the weird looks from others as if they never did it. I was never even thinking that my wife wasn't coming home because it didn't seem serious and then it WAS. The phone calls from the Hospital were the worst thing I could NEVER have imagined and there they were. The final memory I have of her is not what one would pick IF you knew it was the last and I didn't know it at the time. That is ONE of the terrible thoughts I have to live with along with all of the "WHAT IFS" or "WHYS" and the WOULD HAVE, SHOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE  things that I didn't do. Our life ended on that day and my life is a total fiasco right now and I didn't agree to this ending when we said I do.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

None of us ever imagined this ending when we said "I do".

But I also never imagined how complete my life would feel by his side, how loved, accepted, needed by him. 

I would do it all over again to have those years together.  So I guess in a way, I now feel I would have agreed to even this terrible ending and said "I do"  if I could have had an inkling of how extraordinary living my life with him was going to be. 

Gail

[AnnRA]

John9 - My heart hurts for you, as you are going through this terrible time.   Please DO realise that you are in total shock right now. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. One hour at a time, just get through a day.  It is devastating to keep all these thoughts spinning in your head.  We have all found that we must stay in the present, totally, to keep sane now.  This is about your survival — eat something, drink water, breathe.  I completely understand that you are caring for your MIL.  Your wife knows you have this courage and that you are honoring her in caring for her Mother.   Just one hour at a time.   We are here for you.  

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I was just thinking the other day, that I wouldn't change anything either right up to the last month. It is just that there weren't any indicators that the end was near. I said that the only thing that would be comparable would have been an accident where it was unexpected. I "loved" our life together and even when things were not going well for whatever reason we had each other's backs. She was my rock, she kept me grounded and I really need that NOW. We never made plans because things happen but we were looking forward to our time alone with no commitment to anyone else but us. I would marry her all over again and have the exact life we had and only change the ending but that isn't going to happen is it.

[John9]

AnnRA,

I thank you for the comments, I just can't handle anymore things going wrong and all I can do is all I can do. Sometimes it seems like one minute at a time is too much, it is so overwhelming and food isn't at the top of my list right now. I'm overweight and not in danger of starving to death. It doesn't bring pleasure and it is sad because we did so enjoy it. I may at some point start to eat better but right now not so much. I am trying my best with what I have to work with and that is my purpose right now.

[tnd]

12 minutes ago, John9 said:

I may at some point start to eat better

A positive statement. 

 

12 minutes ago, John9 said:

all I can do is all I can do.

A very good positive statement. 

 

12 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am trying my best with what I have to work with and that is my purpose right now.

An honest and strong positive statement.  Every little bit counts. Every positive statement we can hear ourselves make (or type for that matter). I'd keep these in the forefront of your mind. I think your statements probably ring true for many of  us. 

[April Ballou]

@John9 the one thing that I have learned is to ask yourself what would she want me to do.  I miss Darrell so much probably always will.  But I find myself talking to him.  Wondering what he would want me to do.  I am like you when I said I do I never imagined that our lives would be like this.  Me here and him gone.  If anything it should be the reverse.  But it's not.  I still cry, wishing things were different but it's not.  I know where he is and that comforts me.  God is the focus of my life, without Him I could do nothing.  We all here are going through this and together we can make it.

[John9]

April Ballou,

I am unfortunately in a situation that I honestly could not answer what my wife would want me to do because we never talked about what the other would or should do if one of us died. Her death was so sudden and unexpected that there was no "last" conversation because I didn't know she was dying. I wasn't there with her because I didn't know it was so BAD because I was with MIL and SHOULD have been with HER. Sadly what she would have said she wanted doesn't really make me feel any better because she isn't here and that's what I WANTED. I am trying to hold on as long as I can but more and more things are falling down around me and IF God has a plan I hope he makes it known SOON. I am at my wits end and I am feeling as if I am losing what little control I have.

[annie123]

April,  I try to make God the focus of my life as well.

John, Prayers and hugs to you.

[KayC]

John, I don't view you as suicidal, and I understand about dementia, I've been there and am going through it now with my sister but it's rampant in my family, very hard.  One of the reasons I do not WANT to live into my 90s as I'm afraid of getting it and do not wish that on my kids.  My sister is there and she's in her 70s, I don't see myself getting it that soon if how we take care of ourselves and lives has any affect on it.  Who knows?  We do the best we can with what we have and life doles things out as it will.

 

 

[John9]

KayC,

My wife was "afraid" of 2 things, dementia which her Grandmother died from and her Mother has and being an "invalid" requiring 24/7 care. I cared for my friend for almost 12 years after he had his first stroke and she saw how much of a struggle he went through as well as how hard it was on me. When he died in January she was sad but knew his suffering was over but we still had her Mother to care for. The comment about what life doles out is true but it doesn't make it easier. I have said that before even if I know something it isn't easier to deal with and sometimes it is harder. We had just hoped that after her Mother died we would be able to RELAX and enjoy OUR time together without any responsibilities for others just OURSELVES. I don't know the future no one does but I hope to go to bed and not wake up and die peacefully before I am "COMMITTED"  into a facility for the DANGEROUSLY UNSTABLE. I feel headed in that direction. It already feels like I am banging my head against the wall might as well be a padded one.

[April Ballou]

@John9 I know you are struggling.  It's hard on all of us here in this forum.  We all have lost someone.  And as much as we miss them we have to go on.  I hate the fact that I am here on this Earth without Darrell, but God has a plan.  Although I haven't figured it out yet.  God will reveal it in His time. My husband's death was sudden, he spent 3 weeks in the hospital and then died.  I sometimes have nightmares about it all.  Try prayer it changes things.  I will be praying for you and all of us in this forum.

[Ainslie]

Dear John, I’m so sorry for what you are feeling but sadly I can relate. It has been 47 days without my husband and I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t have a purpose anymore and pray every night I don’t wake up. Living without are sole mates is unbearable and I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I feel the same way. I will be praying for you. Hugs

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

. . .  I am at my wits end and I am feeling as if I am losing what little control I have.

John9, 

I am worried about you. I think you really need some respite help.  It is too much to be the caretaker for your MIL  24/7  with no breaks.  Especially when dealing with your own grief. 

I hope you will let your/her family know that you are overwhelmed and need them to step up and give you some time off.  

Gail

[Diane R. E.]

24 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

Try prayer it changes things.

I believe in God and also believe in the afterlife. My husband has sent me signs that he is in a good place. But I prayed my heart out to God to let my husband live, and it didn't change the outcome. My husband went into the hospital with all the doctors expecting him to recover and I prayed all the time that he would. But in the end his body could no longer fight and his heart gave out. And no, I don't believe it was God's plan for Doug to die. I believe bad things just happen for no reason. What does give me some comfort is that when Doug's physical body failed, that's when God took him Home. 

[John9]

Ainslie,

I am sorry for your loss and it has sadly been 121 days since my wife died and I feel each day is worse than the day before. I cannot say anything to really comfort someone at this stage because I find the whole thing makes no sense, I don't post to make others any sadder or for sympathy I post how I feel and this is it. I MISS her so much and I can't change that.

Gail 8588,

Thank you for your concern but as I have stated before there is no help because no one WANTS to help. I NEED the interaction from the "family" more than the help. If they would call or visit it would be a bigger help than "offering"  to help care for her.

[John9]

Diane R.E.,

I also believe in God and want to believe in an afterlife and honestly that is the main reason I am still posting because I believe that if I were to commit suicide I would not ever see my wife again. I also prayed and asked for my wife to live and God said no. This is a very touchy subject with many people but I always believed God answers your prayers but it isn't always the answer that you want. I said that part about God saying no to someone and he said God said not right now and I said well it might as well have been no because she died right now. We were not aware that her situation was as bad as it was and I guess that her body gave out as well which is the hardest part to understand because she was still working right up till the time she went into the Hospital. I have "talked" to her everyday and have yet to "see" or "hear" from her to tell me it's okay but I have asked her to let me know. As far as God's plan I would not even begin to think that I am equal to God and would know his plans but none of it makes any sense to me. Her mother "should" have died way before my wife because of her medical issues but for some reason Gods plan is for her to suffer????? I have said I am here until God says otherwise but it doesn't SEEM right.

[steveb]

John, 

It’s good that you are posting in order to express yourself.  And, I sincerely hope someone from the family starts engaging with you.  You may not feel it now, but you are obviously an extraordinary human being. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. 
 

steve