Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 tnd Thank you for the comment, I am caring for MIL who has dementia I don't believe she will be around long as she is also a brittle diabetic and is not wanting to eat like she was. My wife died to suddenly and unexpectedly for us ever to have had the talk about what "she" wanted for me if she died and I never told her what I would have wanted for her. As far as feeding the wildlife since she died all of the deer are eating her roses and the rabbits are eating the hostas. The only way right now I can hope to honor her is caring for her mother as long as I can or she wants to live. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 Sparky1 My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly and up to the point of going to the Hospital had no known diagnosed medical conditions. So this was completely out of the blue and I was completely caught off guard. I needed her and her mother needed her and our son needed her but I wasn't asked what I wanted so I have to do what I do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 luckystarhongkong, Thank you for the comments, sadly the way everything fell apart we didn't know that the last I Love You was the last. We never left each other without saying it but I never heard her say the last Love You as she had an oxygen mask on and I only got the muffled version of it not her sweet voice that I miss so much. The last sight I have of her is not a vision that is a fond memory but that is part of my burden now. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 Xix, I have to say that if you are at that place then I am happy for you, I don't expect to be there in any part. I don't expect to be alive and if I am I don't expect to ever find anyone ever again. I just wish you well on your new journey. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Xix said: It’s been 5 years now and I can say that it’s the right time to go back and find love Xix: Thank you for sharing your good news with us! I do hope I am reading this correctly in meaning that you are ready for a new relationship. That's great! I hope you find or do have happiness. Must be a tremendous feeling having a blue sky and no longer the dark cloud. This was my second marriage. First one ended in divorce many years ago. I am 57 now with a chronic illness. My late and very dear husband did his best to take care of me. There is no replacing him. At this stage of my life, I will not be looking for love again. I am hurting over this, knowing I will never again have what I had with my husband. But I am going to try to go with the hope of enjoying life with my brother and his wife and my nephews now. I will be moving in with them and am praying that this next chapter will be a good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members luckystarhongkong Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 John: before she was send to the operation theater my daughter and me managed to say thank you and I love you. But she deteriorated fast and I thought she was a bit confused at that moment. Think of that it's so heartbreaking. It's an incredibly cruel world. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 1 hour ago, John9 said: The only way right now I can hope to honor her is caring for her mother as long as I can or she wants to live. John9: That sounds like a fine way to honor your wife. From your previous posts, sounds like you both cared about people and helping them out when they needed it. I think it would be a monumental task to be someone's caregiver at any time but especially while living with the pain from grief. Your MIL is lucky that you care enough to do this. Sounds like you have a lot of love in your heart. That perhaps you know where life is at... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 5 minutes ago, luckystarhongkong said: It's an incredibly cruel world. Even just a few days before my husband passed we (he, I and his family) honestly thought he would be coming home. I was more than ready but starting getting the place ready for his arrival. Was not meant to be. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 1 hour ago, John9 said: I wasn't asked what I wanted so I have to do what I do. This has been one of the worst parts of grieving for John. Nobody asked me; nobody had any answers of why. I guess I've been "lucky" that only a few people, none close to us, have said...stuff...like, "At least he's not in pain now" or "God must have needed him" etc. Those sorts of things really set me off into anger--as if I am not angry enough that he was taken from us! So I get out of bed each day and try to find some purpose to my life. It wasn't until this third year that I started to feel like I might actually make it. I'm trying to approach what will be year four with a more hopeful mind. It's not easy. I don't think it will ever be easy. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nothingness Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 3 hours ago, John9 said: She received a Covid vaccine in February 2021 and started having what she was told was a reaction and it was a good thing and after a few days she called and tried to find out what the problem was. She kept going to work and trying to find out what was going on, ended up getting tested for pneumonia and covid both came back negative, still kept going to work. When to work on a Thursday almost 2 weeks after vaccine they sent here home she looked terrible. Doctors office called said go to ER and from there everything completely fell apart. She had an "infection" and they kept here, next morning she had chest pains that turned out to be a blockage and the inserted a stent, next morning she got worse they flew her to another hospital and they called me to say her heart and lungs stopped asked me what I wanted I said try all you can. I prayed to God and he said no. They called me and and said she died. I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandfather just died from a bad reaction to the covid vaccine a couple weeks ago. This came 3 weeks after the sudden and completely unexpected death of my dog who was totally healthy one minute, and collapsed and died at my feet the next. I am curious if your wife had previously had covid? My grandfather had gotten covid and barely survived. He was in the hospital several times and almost didn't make it. When he finally pulled through, they gave him the vaccine and he had a really bad reaction and ended up back in the hospital. Then they gave him the 2nd dose and that killed him. I also read that you had a dog die after having a seizure reaction to a vaccine. I had a friend whose teenage son had a seizure response to a vaccine he had to get to join ROTC. Right on the doctor's table, he had a seizure immediately after the vaccine. I lost my beloved dog 8 years ago from a sudden grand mal seizure (which he had never had before) followed by nonstop mini seizures which we were unable to control with meds.The loss of my 2 dogs, the one 8 years ago and the one a few weeks ago has devastated me beyond belief. I understand wanting to die. I think about it all day, everyday. I even made some plans. I just don't see going on like this. My life is so meaningless and empty. I have nobody. No spouse, no children, and really no close friends. I'm completely alone after spending 100% of my time with my dog for the past 7 years and 4 months that I had him. We were literally always together as I've worked from home this entire time. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 nothingness, Thank you for the words, and I am sorry for your losses as well. The thing about my situation is "everything" that has happened in the last 18 months is just too much too soon and I feel as if I haven't been able to even catch my breathe. I know that the whole reason anyone is here on these sites is because of grief but I am so overwhelmed with "all" of mine 4 pets , my friend, and my soulmate, and waiting for MIL to die because it is going to happen because we will all die. I am not sure if she will outlive me but nobody else has any desire to care for their relative. This was not the future we thought we would have. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 foreverhis, I don't really have anyone who is close so for the most part the comments that do come that upset me are from people who don't really know how to react to a grieving person. I have stated before it is an awkward time for all and most people don't like it and don't know how to deal with it, it's not something that we have learned the correct way to say the right thing at the right time. So we either avoid the grieving person/family or we stumble and cause other issues because when we are upset from grief our brain takes over and is mad that someone dared say that at this time. I have tried to let it go but in my "looping" state I can't. Nothing works like it used to nothing makes sense and I seem to move 1 step forward and 2 steps back in everything I try to do. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 tnd. Thank you and we always tried to be the good people, so yes it is hard when the things don't follow the "rules" and go the way they should. We tried to never make plans because too many times the concept of planning would go off the rails and then you are left with the disappointment of that. We had discussed the idea of what was to come after we were done caring for everyone else, our alone time and now I am alone alone. As the saying goes how did that work out for you. My wife was never planning the future but would say "I am just talking". I miss her so much and yes i am trying to care for MIL to honor her but as I have said somewhere before it is a little "bittersweet" because MIL never really liked me she tolerated me because of her daughter and our son and I still get the evil stares from her. All of this is weighing on me and my mental and emotional state and physically I am just drained. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members annie123 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 XiX, If you are ready for a new relationship, I wish you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DMB Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 I am past year 1 and can only say I am over the shock of losing him and that's basically it. He had cancer, so we knew he wouldn't make it at diagnosis, so now instead of feeling and seeing him die over and over, I accept what happened to him medically. Emotionally I don't think I will ever get over it. I too still feel no real purpose so when I'm called to leave life, I am most certainly ready. I'm trying to remain a rational human and responsible citizen, but it's an up and down process. As much as I hate the "A day at a time" phrase, I can say it's the only reason I am functional. It is just so strange being alone out here. Glad it's summer and I can keep busy outside, take lots more walks, and we are still working on the bay cottage he built. I will dig up that topic back up when I have running water. We're getting closer. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 DMB, I am sorry for your loss and for anyone who has lost and needs to be here. I am at day 107 and I am very limited as to what I can or am willing to do. As I care for MIL with dementia alone my "day" is pretty much based on her. I have a schedule I keep that is pretty much leaving me barely time to do what I am required to do to keep the city off my back as far as lawn/yard work. When my wife was alive I enjoyed working in yard because she enjoyed looking at yard. I will never get over the "shock" of her death because it was an issue that wasn't diagnosed and therefore not being actively treated. The cause of death was "heart attack" but I am not 100 percent sure. All I know is nothing. I used to think I knew what I knew now nope. I also have issues with day at a time as I am now only at the hour at a time stage. I used to use the phrase good days and bad days while caring for my friend and MIL before wife died but now not even that works. I have bad days and worse days and sad days and sadder days and some absolutely crappy days. I don't know what is expected of me by God or whoever but I am at my wits end. This is taking a toll and it isn't good. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DMB Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 Hi John, I am so sorry you are here and for the sudden loss of your dear wife. While I read a few of your posts and you feel you are keeping your wife's wishes in caring for her mother, but I must say, that's crazy! I know you were a prior caregiver, as was I, just want you to know I hope she goes fast and you can be free of this undaunting task all while going through this process. It's hard enough. Please reach out for help with her if you need it and get some time for just you. Get out there and whack down some weeds!! It may help you feel better even if it's only 30 minutes! It's 30 minutes of not having to feel what you are feeling now, right? I was member on the caregivers forum on alzconnected.org in a former life. There is some very good folks over there that helped me greatly. I just cannot imagine. My mother in law also had dementia for about 2 years before my husband got sick. It was a very trying time for his family, our marriage, it was awful. Not long after his step father passed, the family could no longer keep up with the 24/7 schedule (which I was also a part of), and ultimately she was placed in a home. She out lived my husband, and I am pretty sure that when he ran into his step dad in death, he said, "What are you doing here, where's Shirley?" Shirley passed just 3 weeks after my husband. He had to turn around and come back and get her. This brought me much peace although it was hard for his brothers and sisters having back to back family loss. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted June 28, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 20 hours ago, John9 said: Gail8588, I am "glad" that you were able to get out of your head and also sorry for your loss. My wife and I were what I think was a very happy couple and as I posted before my neighbor said of all the married couples we actually liked each other. I have only been on this site since yesterday so I have not read much here, but I am sure others have expressed feelings of despair and hopelessness. My wife was not my better half she was my better 75 percent, she was a better person than I am at least in my eyes. She tried to do everything for anybody that she could and she also volunteered me to help others too. I/we always wanted to believe in Karma and not that it was the reason we did good things we didn't expect the bad. My wife was my world, my everything, my soulmate, my best friend if there is a descriptive word she was it for me. I unfortunately was like your husband and I did everything for her, anything she wanted I did whatever was in my power to get it or do it. She was the "designer" of our relationship I was the grunt work. She would say "we" need to...knowing full well she would point or say it and I would do it. This is just an example of why it is so hard. I have always been a "problem" solver and I can't or couldn't solve this. There is only only solution now and I understand what you said but I don't want and can't do this for "years" I am already at or near my breaking point because of everything I have to deal with and I need it OVER. And of course you feel exactly as you do at this point in time, you are very fresh in this, it's all still a shock. I felt beyond description at this point, in shock, couldn't focus, anxiety through the roof, terrified, did not know what I was going to do or how to handle any of this! To top it off, all our friends disappeared immediately, my two best friends not even bothering to attend his funeral! My family cared but had not a clue what I was going through, let alone how to be a support. I am one of those people who says one day at a time because the whole "rest of my life" sent me into a panic. I can do today. I had to break it down to an hour or a minute in the early times. We do what we have to do to get through this. While those of us who have been at this longer do like to point hope to people, as we would have wanted done for us, we realize it's hard for you to believe or fathom anything ever seeming good, hopeful, better, anything but the pain and devastation that is so fresh upon you. I get that. One thing we never do is forget our early grief. How we felt, our thoughts, feelings, people's responses, etc. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 DMB, I am only able to do what I can when I can and at this time I need something to focus on and that is MIL. As I have stated without her I wouldn't get out of bed. I will take all suggestions in the way I believe they are offered but at this time may not act on them. The best for me right now is venting and releasing my emotions to the online "advisors" and listen as much as I can and maybe I will help someone. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 28, 2021 KayC, Thank you and I am trying to do all I can and will continue as long as I can. I understand the feelings I am having are "normal" and I hate that word because there is no such thing and this is a good example of that. Grief is normal but grief is personal and only I can figure it out. I will listen to anyone who has words of "advice" but I may not take it right away or ever but I will read it. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 29, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 I understand this, for us there is nothing "normal" seeming about this! I guess that's why they call it a new normal, but none of us seem to like that phrase any. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 KayC, I have "never "been a fan of the words normal or average and I also know I shouldn't use never and always or words like that. What I do believe is nothing will ever be as it was and no matter how I try I am just lost in every way that I can be. The days are forever and when I sleep it is too quick. I am just so lost and alone and I know that this is what "we" all will go through but it is so hard for me and I hate it so much. I don't know what God has planned for me but I hope it happens soon as this is too much to handle. It just seems that nothing is going the way it is "supposed" to and when something works it goes wrong or is taking too long. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 29, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 Just now, John9 said: What I do believe is nothing will ever be as it was You're right, nothing is ever as it "was" again. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 KayC, Sadly, knowing something doesn't make it any easier to handle or deal with. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 29, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 I won't argue there! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 5 hours ago, John9 said: I have "never "been a fan of the words normal or average and I also know I shouldn't use never and always or words like that. John9: My uncle, who helped raise me and whom I admire very much, is a hard working and intelligent man. Ever since growing up in poverty, he has been through some of the most unimaginable experiences and difficult times, including the Vietnam War. He never made excuses to do what he needed, wanted or should do. He's just a strong person but he doesn't see it that way. He says he has to work at it. When I was starting out in life as a young twenty-something and probably complaining about something petty that day, he told me the word "fair" should not be in our vocabulary because there is nothing truly fair in life. I've always understood what he meant but with the passing of my husband even more so. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted June 29, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 On 6/28/2021 at 12:31 PM, John9 said: I understand the feelings I am having are "normal" and I hate that word because there is no such thing and this is a good example of that. Grief is normal but grief is personal and only I can figure it out. I will listen to anyone who has words of "advice" but I may not take it right away or ever but I will read it. Here are the words I rarely, if ever, use now: Normal, better, move on, get over it, and easier. I'm pretty sure I don't even need to tell you why. That you are mostly at a "one hour, one minute at a time" place is not surprising at all. Grief is absolutely personal and unique to each of us. Even though there are experiences in common, none of us should ever compare our loss(es) to someone else's, not even if it's the same type of loss. I think of it (and often write) as each of us being on our own path, but walking the same road together. Some are further ahead, while some are just starting out. It helps put it in perspective for me. You're right to read and listen to advice when it seems appropriate. You are also absolutely right to put it in the back of your mind for later or for never. What helps me might not be at all good for you. What gives you hope later may seem trite or stupid now. Grief is an ever evolving journey that takes a long time. For me, the baby steps forward (and some back) were so gradual that I didn't realize I'd taken them until I "looked" back. I miss John every minute of every day. I always will. But over 3 years, that missing, the loss, grief, and pain, have not stayed the same. The crushing weight is more manageable now. To be honest, I could not see any way forward for the first year or more. Oh sure, I'd had days that weren't as bad and even moments where I was able see little bits of light and hope, but they were tiny and I didn't have the strength to reach out for most of them. Now that I am fast approaching 3 years--and dreading the day, but not as much as the first year--I can see possibilities. The possibility that I can make a life without him and the possibility that I will be happier down the road than I am now. I know my life will never be as full, rich, and content as it was with him and I know I will never be happy in the same way. Those are givens. I'm only partway down the road on my own path, but there are more bits of light and hope, and people who still care about and love me/us. Though it's a slow way forward, I have come further than I thought I would. Give yourself time and space. Don't let anyone try to rush you or tell you how to grieve. We are here for you. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DMB Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 Well said foreverhis. Here’s another “When” I just had. Husbands sister who lives 2500 miles away just lost her husband a few months ago. I was ok with taking the calls regarding his end of life situation and even contemplated flying out there. I knew I wasn’t ready. So I didn’t go. She was good to her brother and good to me over this year talking to me and bearing with the occasional breakdown. While I realize I must return the favor it was really really really hard for me to keep strong for her during on our Sunday morning phone call. I listened and told her there’s no wrong or right way. She told me about having her 1st panic attack ever(she’s 2 yrs younger than me) She has some meds now. How do I separate these deaths? Or are they one in the same? We are all destin to die. It truly was an ok call just one I’d rather not do and I see no way to avoid it. It’s family. I should still be available for any family. This when sucked but I’ll do it. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 tnd, I have posted so many comments and am not sure where or when I did, but I too found out life isn't fair at a young age. My mother was killed in a car accident when I was 2 and my father was a drunk with 3 young son's and he was not a good one. He remarried and my step-brother was killed in Vietnam almost as soon as he got there. I have had many "deaths" in my life and told my son since he was young life isn't fair and whoever told you it is lied. I knew this but didn't need or want to be reminded by my wife dying so young at 53 or suddenly and unexpectedly. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 43 minutes ago, DMB said: How do I separate these deaths? Or are they one in the same? DMB: I think since they were two separate people, two deaths. I don't know how but I think it would be okay to treat them as two deaths and not one in the same. You actually are dealing with two separate deaths. How you are coping and handling one might be affecting how you cope and handle the other tho and that would be quite understandable. Maybe not to others but to those of us here I think it would. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 foreverhis, I do thank you for writing and I do accept that you are further than me and I will take the comments as I believe you mean them as a helping hand. The comments I make are usually just a venting to relieve stress and if it helps someone that is good and hopefully as you say maybe they can look at it later and say hmmm. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 I know my situation is unique as it is my grieving, but my current issues are the death of a friend in January 2021 and my wife in March 2021 and my pets in the last 18 months. I just haven't had an chance to catch my breathe about any one of them. I just left the Attorney office about my friends estate and was told that it is going to take another 4 months because the second Attorney hired didn't do their job. I have been trying to get things off my "plate" and more just gets added and I think the plate is cracking like me. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, John9 said: I knew this but didn't need or want to be reminded by my wife dying so young at 53 or suddenly and unexpectedly. John9: Me, either. My husband was a young 63. Had been doing all the right things controlling his diabetes. He was on dialysis 3x week but still pushed himself to work a physical full time job. Because he had been doing so well, his nephrologist called him her "star patient". And for 8 years he was. He wasn't fragile like a lot of chair mates at his dialysis are/were. He knew staying active was important. But in the end, he got a small infection on a toe and it cascaded from there. Life surely wasn't fair to him. Not fair that he was taken from me. But he was and now I've got to figure out what I am going to do and at a time that I really don't want to think about the future. "My" future was suppose to be with him. Now it's not going to be. Your future was surely suppose to be with your wife. Now it's not going to be. And at my age (57) it's just not the same as when I had to start over in my 30's after a terrible first marriage. Death is permanent. Bad marriages are not. My golden years? So much for that now. I am thinking that I am going to have to adjust in such a way that it's almost going to be like reinventing or recreating myself and well, dummy me, I do not know how I'm going to pull that off. So I get up in the morning, do what I can and come on here to release and get support. All I can do really. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 29, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2021 tnd, Sadly, I have to agree about the facts. My wife was a hard working pet groomer since 1989 and it took a toll on her body but she still went to work and did her job. I was a stay at home caregiver for the last 5 years for MIL and my friend since 2009 travel to his house my wife took care of her mother after work. She was looking forward to our golden years and she never is going to enjoy the fruits of her labor, her retirement was stolen from her and me too because we were a team. My wife was my first true love, she was the only woman I ever loved and she was my everything my soulmate. I don't know what the future holds for me but I don't like the thought of it without her, I know I can't change what happened and it is up to God what happens to me and when as I don't think freewill is a thing. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 30, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 30, 2021 17 hours ago, John9 said: tnd, I have posted so many comments and am not sure where or when I did, but I too found out life isn't fair at a young age. My mother was killed in a car accident when I was 2 and my father was a drunk with 3 young son's and he was not a good one. He remarried and my step-brother was killed in Vietnam almost as soon as he got there. I have had many "deaths" in my life and told my son since he was young life isn't fair and whoever told you it is lied. I knew this but didn't need or want to be reminded by my wife dying so young at 53 or suddenly and unexpectedly. Wow. I am so sorry. My mom was not killed, but she was very mentally ill and abusive and my father alcoholic. It's tough on a young kid growing up. You're right, nothing fair about life. 17 hours ago, tnd said: 18 hours ago, DMB said: How do I separate these deaths? Or are they one in the same? http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html 17 hours ago, John9 said: I know my situation is unique as it is my grieving, but my current issues are the death of a friend in January 2021 and my wife in March 2021 and my pets in the last 18 months. I just haven't had an chance to catch my breathe about any one of them. I just left the Attorney office about my friends estate and was told that it is going to take another 4 months because the second Attorney hired didn't do their job. I have been trying to get things off my "plate" and more just gets added and I think the plate is cracking like me. I diid read your post in loss of pets, I am so sorry, you too are dealing with multiple losses. I've had many many losses over the years and can relate. I knew someone who was in his 60s and had never experienced loss, I can't imagine. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2021 KayC, I too have had many deaths through the years and luckily never so many as I had in the last years. I was thinking a few weeks ago about all of the ones that died through my life and my wife's too and I would say that as far as deaths she had been fairly "lucky". My son has also been lucky that he only had to deal with his Grandparents deaths and they were older so it was "expected" but this was totally not and has really destroyed me. I am sure that the "odds" say many people won't have to deal with deaths until the age of your friend especially if there is nobody in your life and I don't mean it to sound bad. The saying about love and losses is true. You won't miss something you hate or at least not like this kind of grief. I can't and wouldn't change any of the last 35 years and the love I had with my wife but that doesn't lessen the hurt. I gave my heart, soul, and my whole being to my wife and I believe she did the same to me and it just hurts so bad because when she died she took my heart, my soul and my whole being with her. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Magda Posted June 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2021 On 6/22/2021 at 4:17 PM, june483 said: "I am very resentful that my husband went on his big new adventure and left me here. If I had the choice I would be with him now... So I am left with this.... I am not afraid of death. I am ready to go at any time. I am not afraid of the dark, of being attacked or killed, of getting a terminal illness. I have suffered the ultimate insult" This is how I feel exactly. I have have suffered the ultimate loss. There is almost nothing that can happen that could be worse. What I want to know is when will the sick feeling in my stomach go away that I wake up with every morning? On 6/22/2021 at 4:17 PM, june483 said: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2021 Magda, I am sorry for your loss and if I am reading it right it was very recent. I know how hard it can be, hang in there. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BBB Posted June 30, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2021 That's a good point Magda. Almost nothing I can think of could be as emotionally jarring as losing your soulmate. I go to bed every night hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. When I say that to family or friends, they LOVE to come in with the guilt trip. My favorite is "Well then you'd be putting your kids through losing both parents." While that may be true, I don't want to not wake up because I enjoy torturing my kids but my life is over at this stage and at my age. They still have most of their lives ahead of them. Of which, I hope they never have to go through losing a spouse. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2021 BBB, I have to say that I am full agreement with most of what you said, not disagreeing with any of it just I don't really have anyone giving me the guilt trip. I wake up crying cry all day and go to bed crying and also want to not wake up and am only going on because of MIL with dementia. My son is older and I have told him I don't expect to be around long and I am confident he can handle my death and MIL too (his Grandma) because he has a support system of friends that I don't have. I know people have found a second life after losing their spouse, but I didn't lose my spouse. I lost my WORLD she was and is my soulmate, my everything, my best friend and she was my first and only true love. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2021 4 hours ago, John9 said: I gave my heart, soul, and my whole being to my wife and I believe she did the same to me and it just hurts so bad because when she died she took my heart, my soul and my whole being with her. John9: That is exactly how I feel. I had a good life going before I met my husband but it was not whole. I had intentionally stayed single for a very long time after divorcing my first husband. During that time I had moved my mother in with me. After several years, she met and moved in with her common-law husband. I liked the fact that once again, I had some freedom and the place to myself. But then more time went by and I realized I was lonely. Still kept to myself, no one knew the pain I was going through. And I was still enjoying the freedom from "singlehood" and not having to consider or answer to anyone. But nonetheless, I wished for a companion. I knew it was time. I ended up meeting my soulmate and we married. Losing him is by far the worst thing. The pain is awful. And even though I have had the experience of being on my own before, I honestly do not know that I can do it again at this stage of my life. My "better part" is gone. I cannot recreate what we had. I'm hoping that after the stress from my upcoming move, I can sit in peace and solitude and be able to think about things without so many tears. I know your plate is full right now but I hope that if not now there will be a time where you can just sit in peace and solitude. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted June 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2021 tnd, I was single until 26 and I know that isn't old but for the last 35 years I could be "alone" if I wanted to be, but I wanted nothing more than to be with my wife. She was my WORLD and I know people say that all the time but it is true. She was everything to me and I don't want to be ALONE. Alone is a place that I stay away from, my brain never shuts off even before she died. When I sleep I have to have "noise" to distract my brain so I can fall asleep, luckily she was okay with this and actually was deaf in one ear so if she was on that side it was never a problem. Those are also the things that I will always miss about her. As I have said to other people, we loved each other "warts" and all. She knew what she was getting before we got married and I knew it too. I actually loved her more each day than the day before as cliche as it may sound. I am not going to be okay with what happened, I can't change it but I will GRIEVE until I die and I am just dreading the days until that happens. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 6 hours ago, BBB said: I go to bed every night hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. When I say that to family or friends, they LOVE to come in with the guilt trip. BBB: I'm not excusing them but what your family says is probably fairly common. But I hate it when people think they know what's best for us or what isn't, especially family members. Over the years I have learned to just not tell them things or my true feelings on some things. How I feel about losing my husband is one of those times. They know I am hurting and missing him and that I feel as though I've lost my purpose but, they don't know that I, too go to bed at night and silently hope I don't wake up. That, in my mind, would end my pain. But I have a brother and his wife and 2 nephews. I also have my two cats here. I really would not want to have them be found starving or dead because of me not waking up in the morning. And I'm not suicidal but my husband said suicide is a selfish act. I'd really hate going against him. So I go to bed silently wishing to not wake up but know it would only cause pain and be cruel. We can still think it tho. But I'm not going to wrestle with it. I just do not have the energy to separate that thought from the thoughts of "what if" life will be okay? Maybe through time...and I've got plenty of that. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted July 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 1 hour ago, John9 said: we loved each other "warts" and all. She knew what she was getting before we got married and I knew it too. John9: You must've had a good solid marriage. My husband and I said the same thing and ours was. We could get on each other's nerves and then be loving on each other that same day. Knew each other like we know the back of our own hand. We were like "two peas in a pod" is what I always said. Nope. Can't replace that. And I will miss him until the day I die. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members june483 Posted July 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 7 hours ago, Magda said: On 6/22/2021 at 7:17 PM, june483 said: What I want to know is when will the sick feeling in my stomach go away that I wake up with every morning? Magda, my stomach felt like a hole with burnt out black edges. It stayed with me about a year and when I thought it was improving, the anxiety of the one year anniversary brought it back in full but once I got through that it seemed better and almost gone - alas our wedding anniversary, his birthday, it keeps returning ... it never totally has gone away but now I am at 16 months and it is no longer constant - everyone is different but I hope this gives you some hope... 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted July 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 On 6/29/2021 at 4:07 PM, John9 said: The comments I make are usually just a venting to relieve stress Excellent! That's exactly how I started out too. After all, who else can we really vent to in our lives? Almost no one can truly understand because they haven't experienced it. For their sake's, I hope they don't understand for a long time. My husband and I were far from perfect, but we were perfect for each other. We never expected perfection from each other. We were the best of friends and were fine just the two of us. On 6/29/2021 at 3:03 PM, DMB said: How do I separate these deaths? Or are they one in the same? No, they are not one in the same. She lost her husband and her brother. You lost your husband, the love of your life. They are separate deaths, separate in every way, of two beloved men. Though you both lost your husbands, each death is unique in itself. And the worst one for each of you is your own. Of course you want to and should be there for her as you can, but your most important priority must and should be you. Has she comforted you in your grief? I assume she has and that your support for her is not one sided. IMO (and this is just me), it must be mutual and reciprocated. Please don't let yourself become her shoulder to cry on, so to speak, if it takes too much out of you or makes your own grief worse. But do be there for each other in ways that help you get through these painful, difficult months (and years). 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 tnd, I also have my wife's 2 cats and I say hers because she always wanted these cats and sadly got them too late to enjoy them, anyway I text my son every morning when I get up and every night when I go to bed as a way of him k"knowing" i am still alive. If I don't then he will know to check on MIL and cats. I have made sure he is protected legally by updating my paperwork and other than that I can't do anything. As far as suicide I want to believe in Heaven and if it is true that if you commit suicide you can't be with your loved ones there is the reason I won't do anything. I am totally in the mindset that I don't want to wake up in the morning and am upset when I am still alive. I know that there is always the fact things can always be worse but at this stage....I will always believe that we had a good solid marriage and she was happy. When her work had a memorial service for her some of her co-workers told me that she was very "proud" of how I took care of her and her mother and all I did for her. That made me "happy" in a very sad time. I just don't know what to do and I don't know how much longer I can handle this PAIN. I am just so empty inside. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 foreverhis, I have to agree with you about us being perfect which is why I reference "warts" and all. We after 35 years knew when to "back off" and let the other have space or knew when the other just needed to vent about something else. I miss that about her because as I said before somewhere she was my best friend and what I need right now is my best friend. I can't handle the "triggers" right now very well, everything is hitting me so hard even the damn commercials on tv. The smallest things get to me and even though this weekend wouldn't be considered something significant to some it is going to hit me hard. As I said before knowing something is going to happen doesn't make it any easier. Her birthday is also coming next month and it is going to hurt me and after the is MIL birthday and then my birthday will be 6 months to the day of her death so it will be double trigger all of these without her are just terrible. I know that everyone here has their own triggers and in their own way will understand but our life was so unique to us. I am just so lost without her and it is harder each and every day. I NEED this to be over and hope everyday it is. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted July 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 june483, Those are the types of triggers I fear the most, I had to go through the firsts, our sons birthday, Mothers day, Memorial day, Fathers day and I dread anything now that has or had any significance to us. My wife worked Monday to Thursday most weeks so we had Friday to Sunday together most weeks and now that hurts every week because she should be here with me. At first the "days" were "easy because she would have been at work so my brain didn't register she was dead, but the evenings were harder because she should have been coming home and being here. Now my brain knows she died and there is no time that I don't know she died and isn't coming home. And maybe others have said this but it isn't a home anymore it is a HOUSE. I don't like feeling like this but as I have stated somewhere I have fought to control my emotions for 50 years as I have always been on the edge of being overly emotional but since she died the walls came down and I can't stop crying and it's been 110 days of non-stop crying and I didn't know the human body could make that many tears. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members june483 Posted July 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2021 41 minutes ago, John9 said: Now my brain knows she died This is key - this is something that can't be understood till you experience it - I posted a song on another site (Here without you - 3 doors down) on day 100 - so I remember that time vividly - and my every thought was my brain screaming at me that things were no longer right - hard to walk and eat and sleep when the world was upside down - I think there is nothing that can help this except time - I work till 11pm and I always texted him to tell him I was "out" and he would text back "drive safe" - I still cry when I get out at 11 and want to text him - but my brain is no longer screaming at me every minute now - so that sensation does lessen with time 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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