When

[BBB]

When does the thought of - "If my spouse is gone I don't really want to be here" feeling subside? Or go away? 2 years? 4? 10?

 

[Gail 8588]

BBB, 

For me, it was year 4. 

I believe for most people it doesn't take that long.  For a few, it may take longer.  

Hang in there.

Gail

 

[BBB]

I'm trying Gail, I'm trying

 

[jmmosley53]

Hello BBB,

For me it was when I got a rescue dog.  This may seem trivial but I knew she had been dumped several times in here life.  I wanted her to have a forever home until she dies.  So I have to keep alive until that happens.

She sort of gave me something to live for. 

[Beau]

Thank you for asking this. I also need to know.

In my quietest, most honest hours, I know I don't want to be alive anymore.

It's not a good thing to admit to, even to myself, because we have a son and in theory he should be enough reason for me to want to stay. When people ask me about Annemarie's death, their immediate conclussion is "well, at least you're not alone now" or "the good thing is that you have your son so you have every reason to carry on".

I nod my head and play along, but deep down I disagree. It's not that I don't love our son or that I am indifferent to him. But the pain of existing without his mother is much bigger than anything I have in me for him. 

The strategy is to fake it until I hopefully make it. Some day this performance of a life and a commitment I'm pushing for our son needs to come naturally. It better be soon because acting is very, very hard. 

[Gail 8588]

19 minutes ago, Beau said:

 

. . . The strategy is to fake it until I hopefully make it. Some day this performance of a life and a commitment I'm pushing for our son needs to come naturally. It better be soon because acting is very, very hard. 

Beau, 

Keep faking it for now. You are so early in your grief, and it is such an unbelievable tragedy, of course you are numb.  But you will  one day feel that your sweet cooing, yawning, wiggling boy is enough to really want to be in this life. 

When my first grandchild was born, so many people said to me how happy I must feel to hold that bundle of joy.  I actually felt like a complete fraud, as I couldn't feel any joy at all.  Of course I said the expected things, but I was still a zombie inside.  I would ask myself "what is wrong with me"  "how horrible of a person am I that I can't feel love for my own grandchild".  

I can only imagine how hard it is for you to hold and care for your son while you are utterly devastated by the death of Annemarie.  

Keep going through the motions. Pretend to everyone else, but tell little M everything in your heart, even your fears.  Babies are very forgiving.    You will feel the connection in time. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[BBB]

I know exactly what you mean Beau. I have similar feelings and it is embarrassing to admit them. I feel like I can here which is a great relief. Let's face it, there isn't a family member or friend that would not gasp at admitting you'd prefer to be dead. Although, as Gail pointed out, this is extremely recent for you. I think I was still in shock mode less than 2 months after. 

I love the fact that we can come here and share that which is SO difficult because we all understand yet at the same time I hate that we share this.

 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, BBB said:

When does the thought of - "If my spouse is gone I don't really want to be here" feeling subside? Or go away? 2 years? 4? 10?

 

I would say it's a gradual change, kind of back and forth, more intense in earlier grief but eventually you realize you can survive this and even find some good in life.  Not like before, but I've learned to not compare, as it devalues the good that there is.

4 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Hello BBB,

For me it was when I got a rescue dog.  This may seem trivial but I knew she had been dumped several times in here life.  I wanted her to have a forever home until she dies.  So I have to keep alive until that happens.

She sort of gave me something to live for. 

True for me too!  It gives me incentive to keep trying, AND adds much to my life!

[Sparky1]

My wife was in the hospital when our grandson was born, 4 days after my birthday. She got to kiss him as they allowed him to be brought into the hospital. My wife passed away about a week later, and the baby's birth just didn't have the same excitement. I was more worried about my wife than giving the baby the attention he deserved. Now when I see him on video chat, I break down and think of my wife. He has her eyes and is very jovial, just like his grandmother.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, BBB said:

Let's face it, there isn't a family member or friend that would not gasp at admitting you'd prefer to be dead.

Very true.  I never said it to anyone until recently--now that I've mostly passed that feeling.  Our daughter and I were talking about when it would be safe to visit now that we're vaccinated, etc. etc.  The stay-at-home orders have really taken a toll on people, even those not mourning the loss of the love of their lives.  I mentioned that I had read a haiku early on that stuck with me:  We isolate now/so when we gather again/no one is missing.  Then I said something like, "I couldn't bear the idea of losing anyone else I love and recently realized that I don't want to be the one missing.  I couldn't have said that for the first 2 years."  She was utterly stunned and whispered, "Really?"  I explained that I had not been suicidal, but really hadn't cared whether I lived or died and probably wouldn't have made that much of an effort to stay alive if I'd been diagnosed with a serious illness.  I think she understood, but didn't understand completely because she can't.

There are still days where I don't care about being here in this life, just as there are days when waves of grief swamp me.  Yet over the past 8-10 months, I care more about trying to move forward into a life I can live without him.  I'm working on finding a purpose, a reason for being here that is more than, "Our daughter and granddaughter deserve to have you with them a while longer."  I'm learning that I still have value and am finding ways to remember that I matter.

It's been a slow process on this twisting, painful journey.  I've tripped and fallen; I've turned around and closed my eyes; and I have also made many steps forward in a positive way.  But it's been so slow that I couldn't really say exactly when my feelings started to shift and the crushing burden of my grief started to grow just a bit lighter.  If I had to break it down by time, I guess I'd say the first year was so emotionally and physically painful that I could not see how I'd ever move forward in any way.  During the second year, I was able to start grasping the bits of light and hope that got brighter and stronger.  I have a small and wonderful circle of people locally and hours away who have been there for me.  That helped a lot and I know I am lucky that way.  Strangely enough, it was during the third year during the pandemic that I was able to look forward a bit more.  I still do one day at a time, of course, but now can make and look forward to plans in the near future.  That's a huge thing for me.

To answer your original question:  There's no time line for that.  I do think that while that feeling subsides, it doesn't go away 100%.  Just as we will miss our soulmates every day for the rest of our lives, so will we have a desire to be with them.  IMO, it's to be expected.  For me, things seemed to shift a bit after about 15-18 months.  Over year three and even being mostly in enforced isolation, the thought of wanting to leave this life, of saying, "I can't do this alone. You need to come get me right now," started to work its way to the back of my mind most days.  As all the good, loving, wonderful, silly, and "every day" images and memories came forward to mix in with the devastating, painful, horrible ones that had been all I could see and remember, I started to be able to feel positive emotions more too. 

As I approach the third anniversary of losing John, I look back and see that I have made many steps forward on my journey and that many of them happened over this past year.  And I look forward into a road that isn't quite as dark or frightening as it was.  I realize that, while I will never be happy in the way I was, I am happier now than I was for the first year or more.

I think that what people who haven't experienced this don't, won't, or can't understand is that grief does not have defined "stages" or time lines.  We do not "Start here" or "Finish there."  We do not come out "the end" somehow healed or better or back to "normal" because those things are lies society tells itself in order to pretend that death, loss, and grieving don't really exist the way they do.

As you know, your journey will be unique to you.  That you are asking these questions makes me believe that you are already taking small steps into a life you will make for yourself.  We, all of us, can only move forward if we understand that it takes lots of time, work, and help to forge a path that we can not only live, but that can include happiness and purpose. 

For now, just keep doing what you are doing, especially keep coming here to talk, rant, question, and find comfort and support.  That helped me more than I can say.

[Yoli]

I wrote in my journal just last night about putting on a show for people but how in my alone time the mask comes off. In this time my true feelings are still to ask why I must stay here without Indy.

[BBB]

What gives me hope is that there are people here that have felt the same way but years later they have found a way to continue living. I'm just in my first year so I'm not there yet.

 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

He has her eyes and is very jovial, just like his grandmother.

I hope that someday that will bring warmth to your heart rather than pain.  

I think our families would be stunned to realize how we truly feel inside sometimes.  We don't want to scare them.

[BBB]

I believe you are right Kay. I do think our families would all freak if they knew our deepest feelings on this.

 

[Diane R. E.]

3 hours ago, BBB said:

What gives me hope is that there are people here that have felt the same way but years later they have found a way to continue living.

I can understand how it gives us hope, but YEARS? It's been almost 9 months for me and I can't imagine feeling like this for a few more years. 

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I can understand how it gives us hope, but YEARS? It's been almost 9 months for me and I can't imagine feeling like this for a few more years. 

I understand, truly.  The thing is that after about a year (not related to the anniversary of losing my love, just approximate), I realized that I had been taking baby steps forward without really feeling them.  Yes, it seemed like two steps forward, one step back a good deal of the time, but I had started to grasp little bits of light and hope, even short moments of a different kind of happiness.  Looking for the good in something every day, even small things, helped a lot. 

For most of us, the first 2-3 years are really challenging, but even in that time my grief slowly evolved.  The crushing, unbearable weight I was sure would never become lighter, did.  Not much at first, but bit by bit I was able to carry it and mix it in with all the love and joy, the decades of memories of a life shared.

I can't say how you will feel 3 months or 6 months or a year from now because we all take this journey in our own way, but I suspect you too will move forward in little steps.  Then one day you will realize that you still grieve, you still hurt, and you still ache from missing him, but that it's not all you feel or think or see.

The hope I want you to feel is that you can find a way to walk this unwelcome road knowing that we are walking right along with you.

[june483]

I am very resentful that my husband went on his big new adventure and left me here.  If I had the choice I would be with him now.  Life was such a thrill with him and it was never dull.  On the other hand, if my children and grandchildren could hear me think that it would hurt them terribly.  Those thoughts make me feel guilty and sad.  My kids and grandkids keep me going and they share their lives with me without reservation.

So I am left with this.... I am not afraid of death.  I am ready to go at any time.  I am not afraid of the dark, of being attacked or killed, of getting a terminal illness.  I have suffered the ultimate insult and carry around the residual pain and thicker skin.  It does bring a measure of peace.  For me it has been 16 months.

 

 

[tnd]

On 6/21/2021 at 4:04 PM, Sparky1 said:

Now when I see him on video chat, I break down and think of my wife. He has her eyes and is very jovial, just like his grandmother.

Sparky1:  Yes, that would be a tough one. Do you think it's possible that you are afraid to enjoy your grandson for fear it brings back memories and make you sad?  

[Gail 8588]

June483, 

I had many of the same types of thoughts.  I remembered that there were some cultures, (ancient Aztec, or who knows what) where wives were buried with their dead husbands.  That practice all of a sudden made perfect sense to me after I was widowed.  I was totally willing to be buried with my love.   

As months dragged on, everytime I read a news story of some innocent person being killed in an accident or by violence, I would think why couldn't it have been me that was taken, rather than this child or mother or father.   Why were their families torn apart needlessly when I have  no reason to be alive? 

I now feel pretty confident that many surviving spouses feel this way. 

I finally came out of that way of thinking about 6 months into the pandemic, when I realized I really didn't want to catch this virus.  I wanted to live.  It really was a surprising feeling after not caring if I lived or died for so long. 

Hang in there. You will one day find that you do actually want to live. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[tnd]

On 6/21/2021 at 9:17 AM, Gail 8588 said:

For me, it was year 4. 

Gail8588:  Anything in particular going into the 4th year that helped you reach that point?  

[tnd]

48 minutes ago, june483 said:

So I am left with this.... I am not afraid of death.  I am ready to go at any time.

june483:  This is kind of how I feel too. In fact, I have an illness that requires me to be on oxygen 24/7. All I'd have to do is remove my O2 and I'd probably be gone within a couple of hours. But I love my cats too much and would never intentionally leave them alone to starve. One time while in the hospital for a bronchoscopy and biopsy, I stopped breathing and they had to intubate me and put me on a ventilator. With the loss of my husband I am thinking the next time I am in the hospital I'm going to sign a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. Of course before having any scheduled procedure I'd want to pre-arrange for my cats to be taken care of. Wouldn't want them left here alone to starve and nobody knowing. I am not about being cruel. But no, I am not afraid of death. I wasn't before my husband passed and certainly am not now. 

[Sparky1]

24 minutes ago, tnd said:

Sparky1:  Yes, that would be a tough one. Do you think it's possible that you are afraid to enjoy your grandson for fear it brings back memories and make you sad?  

No, I don't really get to see him that often other than through video because he is 7 hours away from me. I do enjoy seeing him and his sister because they are so young and innocent. They don't know any better. It is a bittersweet situation because I always think that my wife will not see him growing up, she would be so happy right now. I guess that's what makes me sad. I have the pictures on the fridge of my wife in the hospital kissing his head. It's one of my favourite pictures because I can see how much she loved him and was happy to get to see him.

[tnd]

On 6/21/2021 at 4:52 PM, foreverhis said:

I realize that, while I will never be happy in the way I was, I am happier now than I was for the first year or more.

foreverhis:  I got so much out of your post, all of it, thank you! Because of my illness and before my husband passed, I had been working on being positive and trying to surround myself only with "positivity" and not dwell on anything negative or have anything negative affect me. Kind of like looking at the glass half full. Guess I am now going to have to apply that to how I cope with the loss of my husband. When you say "happier now than I was for the first year" I think that is an excellent example of positivity. Your words are something I'll take with me on this journey.  

[Gail 8588]

27 minutes ago, tnd said:

Gail8588:  Anything in particular going into the 4th year that helped you reach that point?  

Tnd, 

We all have our own challenges to over come. Mine sort of dragged out my grief, I believe.  

The first year and half after my husband's death, I really resisted trying to cope with my grief at all.  I was too busy doing all sorts of things, selling my house, moving twice, working full time, lots of things. It really wasn't until I retired and moved into the house I am in now that my grief really took hold of my life. 

I  had to come to grips with my anxiety about all manner of catastrophes that might befall me, my insecurity that I really wasn't capable of functioning independently as I had just recently become aware of how much my husband did to assist me in life. 

At the 3 year mark, I was probably at my lowest.  I knew I couldn't go on living like this.  It was just too painful everyday.  I sort of demanded me to make some changes.  Something to alter my mindset. 

I started making my bed every morning, to establish order in my life and to feel in control. I tried to teach myself piano, to shock my brain into learning something new.  That my future held new things.  I signed up to volunteer (just zoom activity) with an organization here in my new home town.  These people never knew me as part of a couple.  So it was a bit of a mental respite from my grief to work with them.  I intentionally looked for some small or big sign of good or happiness and acknowledged them out loud, many times a day. I went to the doctor and dentist again, prioritizing some self care that I had neglected for too long. My doctor prescribed a sleepaid that allowed me to get more than the 3 to 4 hours of sleep at night.  Chronic sleep deprivation was a real problem for me.

At the beginning, all these activities were very forced.  But slowly, I did actually start feeling better.   By six months into my 4th year of grief, I was clearly making progress. 

I am by no means "over it", and I never will be.  I don't expect to have the comfortable, secure life I had with John ever again. But I am no longer in despair.  I am no longer a zombie with no emotional attachment to the world.  I still have some sad days. I still miss my sweetie.  But most days I am happy. It's a really big improvement. 

Your journey and your time table will be your own.  Don't think that it will take you so many years to feel better just because it took me so long. 

Gail

[tnd]

7 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I always think that my wife will not see him growing up, she would be so happy right now. I guess that's what makes me sad.

Sparky1:  So in a way, you are sad for the both of you? For your wife not getting to see him grow up and sad for yourself over losing her and not getting to see her interact with your grandchild and be happy about it? I can only say that somehow you might have to figure out how to carry on and maybe look at enjoying your grandchildren, even through video chat, as a way to honor your wife. I think my husband would want me to carry on and continue enjoying things that I enjoyed when he was still alive. Of course some things I can no longer really enjoy without him but I suppose there will be some things that I can. Just not there yet.  *Hugs* to you.  

[Sparky1]

8 minutes ago, tnd said:

Sparky1:  So in a way, you are sad for the both of you? For your wife not getting to see him grow up and sad for yourself over losing her and not getting to see her interact with your grandchild and be happy about it? I can only say that somehow you might have to figure out how to carry on and maybe look at enjoying your grandchildren, even through video chat, as a way to honor your wife. I think my husband would want me to carry on and continue enjoying things that I enjoyed when he was still alive. Of course some things I can no longer really enjoy without him but I suppose there will be some things that I can. Just not there yet.  *Hugs* to you.  

tnd, yes I am sad at her not getting to see the grandchildren grow up and sad that the little guy was born when my wife was sick. I do enjoy seeing them, I saw them through video on Sunday for Father's Day and it made my day. The grandchildren have always brought both my wife and I much joy and I always am happy when I see them in person and can actually hold them.

[tnd]

26 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

tnd, yes I am sad at her not getting to see the grandchildren grow up and sad that the little guy was born when my wife was sick.

Sparky1:  I just realized and wonder if I am going to go through the same thing when I move in with my brother and his family. Because we live in different states, we didn't get to spend much time with them but when they'd visit, they really did like my husband and had fun together. I'm sure my brother or SIL has explained that he's gone now but wonder how it's going to be when I move in with them. I look forward to seeing my nephews so sure hope I don't cry in-front of them when thinking about how much their uncle would have enjoyed seeing them again. 

[Sparky1]

10 minutes ago, tnd said:

Sparky1:  I just realized and wonder if I am going to go through the same thing when I move in with my brother and his family. Because we live in different states, we didn't get to spend much time with them but when they'd visit, they really did like my husband and had fun together. I'm sure my brother or SIL has explained that he's gone now but wonder how it's going to be when I move in with them. I look forward to seeing my nephews so sure hope I don't cry in-front of them when thinking about how much their uncle would have enjoyed seeing them again. 

It's a very tough situation for sure. Just after my wife passed away, my daughter brought the kids over here for a visit. My granddaughter ( she is 3 and a half) asked me, where's Nonna? I broke down because I didn't know what to say to her. Her mother said Nonna's over there, pointing to the portrait of my wife on the wall. She said okay and continued playing. I hope that when she's older she might remember a few things about her grandmother, but I will tell her of how much her grandmother loved and cared for her.

[BBB]

Honestly I feel similarly when getting together with family. It's bittersweet. I love seeing my kids and other family members, don't get me wrong. However, when I am with them there is an even stronger feeling that someone is missing. It sort of brings it to the forefront and it makes me sad.

 

[Gail 8588]

Driving home alone after a family gathering is always a tough time for me.  It's when we would have talked about the gathering and how everyone was doing. 

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I can understand how it gives us hope, but YEARS? It's been almost 9 months for me and I can't imagine feeling like this for a few more years. 

Try not to look at others' journeys or how long it takes.  When I first lost my husband I thought, "I could live another 40 YEARS without him!"  The thought terrified me (and I have GAD), the anxiety roared!  I learned to take one day at a time.  Just do today, tell yourself, "I can do today."  Tomorrow you get up and do it again.  I know, it sounds like Groundhog day, but the days vary and we change, new people/experiences enter our lives, give us something to look forward to, something to hope towards.  Everyone's experience and journey through this will not copycat someone else's, but will be a product of their choices and what goes on in their life's path.

15 hours ago, june483 said:

I am not afraid of death.

Me neither.  It will bring with it peace, the hope we have of what is next, a life that is better than what we have right now, along with being with them again.

14 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

You will one day find that you do actually want to live.

Yes.

14 hours ago, tnd said:

Anything in particular going into the 4th year that helped you reach that point? 

For me it wasn't a magic number but a gradually processing of my grief, it really does evolve.  I CHOSE to look for good in each day.  As I gradually processed my grief, it began to seem more possible to build a life I could live.  No it's not the same as before, but I've learned to NOT compare to what was!  Or even to another's journey, this is my journey, I get some say so in how it goes.  No I don't get George back, but I have learned to live alone and have good moments in it.  Was it every my preference to be single?  No.  But it is what it is, it could be worse (if I was in a bad marriage)...at least I know what love is and had it, and I have my memories to sustain me.  One person in this world truly loved and cared about me and I him.  That is forever etched into my heart.

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But I am no longer in despair.

And that is a lot, a huge improvement over the beginning time.  You have put in the effort and it's displaying its results in your life. 

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I CHOSE to look for good in each day.  As I gradually processed my grief, it began to seem more possible to build a life I could live.  No it's not the same as before, but I've learned to NOT compare to what was!

KayC:  My husband and I had "chosen" to do this. Like you, I say "chose" because I do think with what we do with things is a choice. Right now I feel like I don't have a lot of choices but I do know the importance of realizing that I do have SOME choices left. I hope with that I can build and expand my choices down the road.

Ever since I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis I've been trying to find something positive in each day. When I was alone here at home when my husband was in the hospital for all those months, I began to email my brother every couple days with what I titled "Good Word of the Day". I would tell him about just one good thing I had achieved or done or good news about my husband. Thinking it and then sharing it helped me. Just walking 50 feet without needing to stop and rest opposed to 30 was an achievement for me, stuff like that. I haven't done it since losing my husband but I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm still trying to at least THINK of positive things but the actual follow-thru won't be happening just yet. 

[foreverhis]

On 6/22/2021 at 6:41 PM, tnd said:

I look forward to seeing my nephews so sure hope I don't cry in-front of them when thinking about how much their uncle would have enjoyed seeing them again. 

If I may add a different perspective.

I believe we adults hide our grief from children too much.  I'm not saying we should spew painful details or spend hours and hours sobbing in front of them.  But our society sucks at acknowledging death, loss, and grief.  If we teach our children that it's not okay to cry or to grieve in other ways, we teach them that they should hide how they feel too.  If we pretend that "Okay, it's sad, but now that the funeral is over, it's back to normal," we give them no healthy reference for expressing their own feelings.

If you cry in front them, then that's not necessarily a bad thing.  You can tell them why:  That you miss their uncle very much and that you know he would have wanted to be with you and with them.  Of course it should be as appropriate for their ages.  You could tell them that being with them makes you happy too because not everything has to be sad.

It's just that we live in a society that is toxic with positivity sometimes.  No sadness, depression, or other "bad" feelings allowed.  "Cheer up" and "Be positive" and "Be strong"--PHOOEY to that!  We need to teach our children that happy and sad can co-exist and that they don't always have to be "happy, happy, happy."  It's unhealthy to pretend that only "good" feelings, thoughts, and actions are acceptable.

As always, that's just my opinion.

[tnd]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We need to teach our children that happy and sad can co-exist and that they don't always have to be "happy, happy, happy."  It's unhealthy to pretend that only "good" feelings, thoughts, and actions are acceptable.

foreverhis:  I didn't think about that but I think you're right. My nephews are teenagers. They don't need to know the details surrounding their uncle's death (unless they ask then I will tell them) but they should know that he enjoyed them and that I wish he could see them now, nearly all grown up. I'm just afraid I will breakdown and I don't want them thinking they have to walk around their auntie on eggshells or caused me to cry. But if I do, then that would probably be a good time to ask them for a hug.   

[KayC]

18 hours ago, tnd said:

Right now I feel like I don't have a lot of choices but I do know the importance of realizing that I do have SOME choices left. I hope with that I can build and expand my choices down the road.

I understand, and my heart goes out to you.  You sound like a very positive person living with some hard things but you're doing your best with it, all any of us can do. 

12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We need to teach our children that happy and sad can co-exist

I agree with this!  It validates their feelings whether it be sad or happy.

 

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm just afraid I will breakdown and I don't want them thinking they have to walk around their auntie on eggshells or caused me to cry. But if I do, then that would probably be a good time to ask them for a hug.   

Definitely a good time to ask for a hug!  Because they are teenagers, they will likely want to so something, anything, to help.  Allowing them to comfort you is a great way of that.  You could even tell them that nothing they do/did is why you are sad or crying.  You could tell them that it's okay to talk about their uncle (that is, if it is okay with you).  If they're mature enough, maybe tell them outright that they don't have to treat you like you're fragile, but ask them to understand that your grief and hurt will show itself sometimes when not even you expect it.

Grief is most definitely an emotional mine field even when it's not as complex a situation as yours.

[John9]

Hi to all who have posted,

I have so many issues and so many comments and I don't know where to start, I too am faking it until the end. I/we have a son and we always knew he wouldn't be the one to support us in our old age if/when we needed help. That being said My son doesn't need me and I am okay with that as one of the things a parent wants is for their child(ren) to be independent and not be dependent on them forever. I have stated on other posts the only thing keeping me going right now is caring for MIL who has dementia, without that reason I wouldn't get up. I hate what happened to my wife, how she was taken too soon and I hate being alone. I have been fighting for 50 years to keep my emotions in check and with my wife's help all was fairly well. However once my wife died the walls came down and I am unable to control them now. I wake up crying, I cry throughout the day and I go to bed crying. Everything is a trigger for every negative emotion that there is. I have 35 years of good memories but right now everyone of them gets pushed away because my brain will add "never again" to anything happy. I am constantly in the looping cycle of the grief. I am also dealing with legal issues with my friend's estate through the probate court system so there that fun too. I have the fun part too of trying to deal with the people who don't do the jobs that are required for people like us who have to deal with all the paperwork that is needed to die. I am trying now to make sure my son is protected from having to deal with some of this when I die, not if because we are all here because someone we loved died and we are all going to as well. I personally can't wait because this is too much too soon and I haven't even had a chance to process the previous deaths of our pets and my friend and now my wife and another pet. Sadly waiting for MIL who is not doing well to pass too.

[BBB]

Yeah, hey I understand completely John. Know exactly how you feel and you know what? I'm not going to tell you to hang in there or it'll get better. Why? Because I don't care? No, not at all. I care about people who are going through such a horrible experience. I have feelings and I know that you feel like your heart has been ripped out and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm not going to tell you either of those things because a) I cannot vouch for it getting better since it hasn't for me.  2) Hang in there is such a stupid platitude. All I can tell you is that I sympathize with you and I understand what you are going through.

 

[John9]

Hi BBB,

Thank you for being honest and that is why I finally "signed" up for an account to post. I know how you feel as I have read some post from you. I am convinced that not everyone will recover from "this" and I am also convinced that not everyone "should". What I mean is grief is personal and if I want to grieve forever, even if it's 20 years that's on me. Nobody can tell "us" how to do what they want us to do. I didn't want this anymore than you or anyone else here did. My "life" ended when my wife died and I will never have that again and that is all I have known for 35 years and I don't want a "new" life. I am too old and too set in my ways and I have never liked major changes and as others have probably stated I didn't ask for this and sure didn't agree to it. I have been told one day at a time, blah blah blah I am barely able to make it one hour at a time. I am crying right now as I type this.

[BBB]

Sorry John. I don't want a new life either. I tell my family that I died when she died but they don't understand. They think I am speaking metaphorically. 

[John9]

BBB,

That is what I mean by nobody can tell me what "to do". And that grief is personal and "we" will do what we will do. I hate this stage of life and because of my grief nobody wants to talk to me and nobody wants to be with me. I will not hide my grief to please anyone and I am sorry if they don't like it. I don't like what I have either or don't have but at least here I know that what I feel is not "weird". I would never want anybody to go through this but unless you do or did you don't or can't begin to understand how "wrong" this is and how people respond can be wrong as well. I won't ever recover from this and don't really want to.

[Gail 8588]

John9 and BBB, 

My husband and I made a great team. We had a great life together which we both valued. I know I helped him in many ways.  But in the relationship, I was much more dependent on him than he was on me.  After he died, it became excruciatingly obvious to me that I couldn't actually navigate in the world without his help. 

I am a fairly logical person, and I could see there was no fix to this problem.  I needed him to be able to live and he was never coming back.   

I was in this loop for 3 years. I was in disbelief that I didn't die. I logically knew, I couldn't live without him. Yet I didn't die.  

During any time in that 3 year period, I could have written the thoughts you are expressing.  I often did. 

I felt bad about never having anything positive to post,  but it was clear to me there was no possibility of my "moving forward" because I had analysed every possibilty and without my love, there was no way forward. 

In my experience, it is very hard to exist in this state of despair for extended lengths of time. 

At 3 years, I was at the end of my rope.  Something had to change, or I was going to bring it to an end.  I really couldn't go on. 

I can't really explain why things finally changed for me.  Maybe I just had to hit rock bottom before my brain could let go of the concept that there was no way for me to exist without my soulmate.  I don't know. 

What I do know is that I did feel like how you are describing you feel. And I know I don't feel that way anymore. 

I hope this gives you both some hope that you won't always feel as you do now. 

Gail

 

[John9]

Gail8588,

I am "glad" that you were able to get out of your head and also sorry for your loss. My wife and I were what I think was a very happy couple and as I posted before my neighbor said of all the married couples we actually liked each other. I have only been on this site since yesterday so I have not read much here, but I am sure others have expressed feelings of despair and hopelessness. My wife was not my better half she was my better 75 percent, she was a better person than I am at least in my eyes. She tried to do everything for anybody that she could and she also volunteered me to help others too. I/we always wanted to believe in Karma and not that it was the reason we did good things we didn't expect the bad. My wife was my world, my everything, my soulmate, my best friend if there is a descriptive word she was it for me. I unfortunately was like your husband and I did everything for her, anything she wanted I did whatever was in my power to get it or do it. She was the "designer" of our relationship I was the grunt work. She would say "we" need to...knowing full well she would point or say it and I would do it. This is just an example of why it is so hard. I have always been a "problem" solver and I can't or couldn't solve this. There is only only solution now and I understand what you said but I don't want and can't do this for "years" I am already at or near my breaking point because of everything I have to deal with and I need it OVER.

[luckystarhongkong]

57 minutes ago, John9 said:

My wife was not my better half she was my better 75 percent, she was a better person than I am at least in my eyes. She tried to do everything for anybody that she could and she also volunteered me to help others too. I/we always wanted to believe in Karma and not that it was the reason we did good things we didn't expect the bad. My wife was my world, my everything, my soulmate, my best friend if there is a descriptive word she was it for me.

My wife who passed 4 months ago too was my everything. I met her at 17, my first love childhood sweetheart. Together for 32 years and married for 25. We grew up in hardship and worked our way till financial independence in recent years. We've been through ups and downs and we shared a lot of bittersweet memories. We have reached a stage when being together was what we enjoyed most. Material things had not much meaning for us. She suffered a lot from ill healths in recent years and there's been a few 'near miss' : severe pancreatitis and breast cancer. One of the purpose of my life was to take care of her and made her feel better. I owed her too much I've planned for early retirement with her next year. With her gone all our dream is shattered into a million pieces. There is no hope and meaning anymore.

[tnd]

On 6/22/2021 at 8:46 AM, BBB said:

What gives me hope is that there are people here that have felt the same way but years later they have found a way to continue living. I'm just in my first year so I'm not there yet.

BBB:  I'm in the same boat. So I guess I am in what I am going to call "the gathering phase" where I will look and whenever I see/hear or read it, I will gather up anything positive that might give me hope to hang on and live. 

[John9]

luckystarhongkong,

I met my wife in 1985 love at first sight for me took her a little longer, we got together in 1986 and married in 1987. We worked hard for many years to build a good life and I lost my "job" in 2007 but in 2009 I ended up as an unpaid caregiver for my friend after he had a stroke. My wife had a very good job which allowed me to do this. In 2016 her mother was diagnosed with dementia and we decided together to care for her in our home and because of the situation I became caregiver for her mother during the day and she was when she came home. Then 2020 hit and my friend needed me to go to his house everyday twice a day instead of 3 days a week at 20 miles each way. My wife was a very hard worker and held her job since 1989. She had the effects of hard work but still did the job. She received a Covid vaccine in February 2021 and started having what she was told was a reaction and it was a good thing and after a few days she called and tried to  find out what the problem was. She kept going to work and trying to find out what was going on, ended up getting tested for pneumonia and covid both came back negative, still kept going to work. When to work on a Thursday almost 2 weeks after vaccine they sent here home she looked terrible. Doctors office called said go to ER and from there everything completely fell apart. She had an "infection" and they kept here, next morning she had chest pains that turned out to be a blockage and the inserted a stent, next morning she got worse they flew her to another hospital and they called me to say her heart and lungs stopped asked me what I wanted I said try all you can. I prayed to God and he said no. They called me and and said she died. I say God said no because I asked for her to live and she didn't so I know that God answers "all" prayers but sometimes the answer is NO. That is my life now.

[tnd]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

I am trying now to make sure my son is protected from having to deal with some of this when I die

John9:  I am very sorry for the loss of your wife and for your suffering. Something you posted stood out at me; the fact that you are taking care of some things to protect your son I think says a lot about your character and that you care very much about him. Your wife would probably be comforted from knowing this. Maybe somehow it could offer you some comfort in knowing that through your pain and suffering you have found the strength to still care about someone. Perhaps it's a small spark...the will to live. 

I know of an older man who also lost his wife too soon. He promised her he would continue feeding "their" wildlife in the back yard and to take care of her mother. He took care of his MIL for another 10 years. As for the animals, he's continued feeding them every day for 20 years now. He has good friends that he gets together with but I can tell that nothing gives him more comfort and smiles than feeding the wildlife in his yard. He found a way to honor his wife and it has helped him. I draw some hope and inspiration from this man's story. Maybe not right now but I am hoping I will find a way to honor my husband and to enjoy doing it. 

[Sparky1]

John, I'd like to offer you my deepest sympathy for your loss. I also prayed day and night for my wife to be cured so she can come home. She already had the burden of MS, she didn't need cancer on top of it. I needed her, the children needed her, the grandchildren needed her, yet my prayers weren't answered either. I do ask why, but only He knows. I sure don't know why she went so soon and suddenly.

[luckystarhongkong]

John: I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. I understand all the heartache when we think of the sufferings of our soulmates. 

I am not a big fan of those shifting the goalpost explanations some people talk about our losses. Because my wife recovered miraculously from sepsis 2 months ago when she called me that day she had chest pain I was praying and was convinced that the higher being would save her again this was just another trial of our faith. Then when we were in the hospital I knew how serious that was but I kept telling her pray to him until she was rushed to the operation theratre. She said yes that was her last word. She never made it out.

I lived for today for our beloved daughter. I hope you can go on and take care of your MIL. It's hard I understand. But we have no choice. 

[Xix]

It’s been 5 years now and I can say that it’s the right time to go back and find love