loss of best friend

[peach_2003]

I miss all thoughs things too I miss everything about my matthew. plus the cat keeps looking for his daddy

[jwahlquist]

9 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I miss all thoughs things too I miss everything about my matthew. plus the cat keeps looking for his daddy

(HUGS).   Animals know that there person isn’t there but don’t get why.   Our dogs have struggled with my husband being gone.   Our doodle girls were very close to him.  They haVe been extra clingy and acting sad.    My husband’s cat has also been very clingy and really bugs male visitors for attention.  

[peach_2003]

Oscar ( the cat) was more my husbands than mine. He would get up to feed him in the morning he would give him treats. Oscar comes over to were my husband sat on the couch and meows, He used to come over to his side of the couch and would start licking his hair ( we called this cleaning his daddy) I think Oscar misses is this. I hate waking up in the morning without him I miss going to bed with out him and every minute in between. 

[KayC]

Our cat, Tigger left two months after George died.  I guess he was waiting for him to come back and when he didn't...

[peach_2003]

sorry to hear that I hope I have Oscar for a long time 

[peach_2003]

I went to his grave yesterday to see him I was hoping that if I asked him for another visitation dream while I was there he would give me one. It didn't work. However yesterday two things happened that makes me think he may still be here. The cd spinner moved on its own. And one of his toys made a sound like it fall over but everything was still in its place it was like he was trying to give me a sign that he was here. 

[Missy1]

He is trying to communicate, they send signs...I had and furby start taking, it very old toy, it had not worked in years. It did this when I got home from the hospital after his death. It talked for about 10 min  saying things without being stimulated. It said “big light” and “hiding” and “Scared” among other things, then it stopped it has not worked or talked since then. I had lights blink, things fall off of dressers, items fall in his garage randomly. It’s him, I am never afraid, it’s a good feeling that comes over me.  I feel him by my side sometimes, I just smile and talk to him.

[peach_2003]

I like the signs because it means he is here. I just wish that I could see him and touch him. I need a hug from him and I can't get that. I thought he would have made one of his talking toys talk I gave him two talking toys for Christmas this past year. Rex from toy story and Zurg from toy story both which he wanted so bad. He was so happy to get these for Christmas he couldn't stop playing with them. He got new Christmas ornaments after Christmas that he never got to put on the tree I don't even know if I want to put up the tree this year Christmas and Halloween expecally Halloween was Matthews favorite. 

[Missy1]

I wish it every day. I try to imagine and remember his hugs and his eyes, his touch. I to miss my husband so very much! 

[Dey]

I also feel his presence around me. There are signs that i know it's him trying to tell me he didn't leave me, he still protect me. Like when I told him I miss his touches and hugs and suddenly our room smell good. 

[peach_2003]

I remember everything about my  husband. His smile his laugh the way he used to snore every night. I miss everything. 

[peach_2003]

I tell matthew I miss him all day long. and its so lonely without him around. I know they say for grief your not suppose to isolate yourself however because of the covid-19 going around I can't even have anyone over except to meet them down stairs to say hi ( a co worker called me today he has a card for me he will be dropping it off to me tomorrow when he gets off work) I asked to go back in May I need to be around some people even if it is only for a few hours I can't stay in this apartment alone any more. I miss him unbearably much. I am mad at his doctors and nurses that he had that told me over and over that he was making progress when obviously he wasn't and I am sad at all the things he is going to miss out on that he was looking forward too.

[peach_2003]

I also blame his parents as well because they just kept telling him to follow the light when he wanted to fight. He was a wake and he kept shaking his head no that he didn't want to follow the light his mom tried to hold his hand and he smacked it away but he held mine tightly. His parents were getting mad at the doctor in front of him and telling him to let him go. This made me more upset. 

[jwahlquist]

3 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I also blame his parents as well because they just kept telling him to follow the light when he wanted to fight. He was a wake and he kept shaking his head no that he didn't want to follow the light his mom tried to hold his hand and he smacked it away but he held mine tightly. His parents were getting mad at the doctor in front of him and telling him to let him go. This made me more upset. 

Of course that made you upset.   They seem like they were not being very nice to you at all.   I seriously would have had the doctor or nurse remove them.  I needed some space and had the nurses tell my in-laws that they were not allowing visitors for a while.   I get along with my in-laws pretty well but sometimes it is just too much to take when I am already stressed out.  

[peach_2003]

Actually the one day the nurse took his dad out of the room. I was screaming for him to get out and he just kept coming at me telling me I have to let go  his nurse said that I wasn't ready an that they are still trying the next day they let his mom come in and she just kept saying she was sorry and that she knows its hard but I need to let go but she left after an hour. It was the day after that, the doctor wanted to try and take him off the ventilator to see if maybe he'd breath own his own. His parents were in the room and his dad screamed at the doctor telling him to stop my husbands suffer and his mom was stomping her cane saying no that they have already made a decision and that we were letting him go. His doctor said it wasn't up to them it was up to me. I feel so guilty because I feel now that my back was against the wall when the doctor asked I said to stop but what I should have said is if you think he may breath on his own then let him. I love my in laws but they just see things one way. They wouldn't want their lives prolong which I get their in there 60's so I get that they would want to end everything if it came to it but matthew was only 37 her was young and wanted to do so much. He always wanted to go to Disney World and he now will never get the chance. His grandfather was super supportive he said that he understood what I was going through ( grandma passed away 7 years ago) but she was also up there in age and the doctor pretty much told us there was no hope. I loved his grandma a lot she was the best she and grandpa always treated me a lot better than my in laws. What if he would have breathed on his own? He might still be here with me instead of leaving me. 

[Dey]

@peach_2003 I'm sorry you had to experience that. I get it if you upset to his parents. They made decision without including you or asking for your opinion. I would do anything to keep Sam's alive too, if I could, even if it were just a tiny streak of hope, I'd do it. It's difficult for other people to see and understand our pains of losing love of our life, our soulmate, our other halves. Parent love their child, so i know they felt crushed too losing their child, but losing your partner is like losing part of yourself, big part of you dies too with him/her. Suddenly you feel hard to breathe, or even live. You're not yourself anymore, I am NOT myself anymore. 

[peach_2003]

I will never be myself again. He was my best friend my soul mate his parents don't get it. I don't think they ever would.

[Dey]

Yeah, I feel that the me now is just fragments of what I used to be. One of my insensitive friend message me yesterday, she implied that I shouldn't cry so much, I shouldn't love other too much, life goes on blablabla.. I quickly ended our chat, and block her. Why should I love Sam less, yes life may go on, for other people, but my life is stuck in the past. 

[peach_2003]

His friend has been great. He messages me and tells me that he knows that my husband is still with me and that I need to stay strong but that Matthew will always be with me. He says that Matthew knows that I love him his friend has been a great help. 

[peach_2003]

I keep asking if he loved me why did he leave me all alone.

 

[KayC]

Personally, I think the doctor should have made the parents leave, they were behaving inappropriately.  Esp. considering he was smacking their hand away!

[peach_2003]

I wish he would have his dad just paced the room and after he did die they wouldn't leave me alone in the room with him. They said that he was gone that his body is there but he wasn't and that it was time to go. since they were my ride I had to leave. 

[peach_2003]

I spend most of my day crying my eyes out and being lonely. its just so lonely without him.

[Missy1]

I also cry off and  on all day to. We alway felt so fortunate to have found each other in this sea of humanity. Now he has been plucked away, I have to do my time each day closer to my end, I can’t wait to see him when I die. i think about him constantly, even if I am distracted by necessary work, still pause after an hour or so and my mind goes right back to him. I lay in bed as long as I can and go thru my memories and cry because we cannot make any new memories. I feel like  so many here do, desperately trying to cling to every shred of his existence. 

[peach_2003]

I feel all of thouughs things as well Missy. I can't wait to see my husband again. Being so young I am only 36 so it may be a long time before I get to see my husband again.. Its super lonely without him.

[KayC]

peach, I am so sorry his parents were so insensitive!  They should have let you have alone time with him.  That infuriates me!  I am just so sorry for what you went through.

[peach_2003]

this made me upset as well I wanted to just be with him. I love him so much. I know that his parents loved him I know that he was there only child and that he didn't have a easy child hood he was always sick but when we got together he was fine. The doctors kept telling me for 3 weeks that he was doing good and that he was making baby steps to improvement. Even the sores he had they said will heal when he wakes up and moves around more. I just don't get it. 

[Dey]

I would be upset too if I were you. I would do anything, even if the chances are thin, but as long as there still possibilities I'd do it just to make my husband still with me. I know this won't change the reality that he's gone, but if i could turn back the time, I'd do just anything. If what you feeling/opinion much or less similar to mine, I can imagine how upset you were when that happened. 

[peach_2003]

His parents gave up after the first week but I didn't I couldn't give up hope that he would come home to me. I feel like just curling up and dying so I can be with him. Sometimes I think the only reason that I am still here is because of the cat. He loved the cat so much and his parents wouldn't take care of him or love him the way we do. 

[Missy1]

I don’t think I know how to be alone. I lived alone in my early 20’s but I was very social and had lots of friends and acquaintances. I was always out either working or partying. Like young people do...i met Karl and we had our own bubble.

I don’t feel social and no desire to do or go anywhere (even if not locked down). Too new to this new town, no real friends, family not close by. I also have his cats and that’s all that keeps me here to! I actually went online and found someone to adopt them then canceled at the last minute. He loved them, I have keep them! I feel trapped and stuck in this sad life.

[peach_2003]

I wouldn't get rid of Oscar he was our baby. I have never been on my own. I lived with my aunt and uncle until we got married. For the past 17 years its been my husband and I. I have never actually been on my own. 

[Missy1]

We love our furry babies, one 14 yr old Siamese Mickey will always be with me. We thought it be fun to adopt two more young cats. 
We only had those two new ones for less than a year. I was going to re-home those two because it’s a lot of expense and work 3 cats! It’s no longer “fun”without out him, he helped. I feel like that crazy cat lady, the little ones are super destructive, I am constantly cleaning up after them.

Do you want to continue to live alone? In time maybe a roommate or family move in? 
I personally don’t want anyone here, even if I am lonely as heck, our house is set up for us two, I am not moving anything of his stuff.   I want to live here alone till I die or can’t afford it anymore. 

[peach_2003]

we only have a one bedroom apartment so even if I wanted a room mate we'd have to move in to a bigger place. I don't know if I could live with anyone else. I am so used to Matthew, I know the feeling about moving your husbands things. I maybe get rid of some of his clothes but he t shirts I am going to keep so I can wear them. His toys I will keep as they remind me of all the joy that they bought him in life. I can't play his video games at the moment as they bring back way too many memories ( and right now its just to hard) but eventually maybe I will play them again. He just got himself a playstation 4 after all of this time ( he got it about a month or two before he got sick) he didn't even get to play half the games he bought himself. This just sucks so much.

[Missy1]

You don’t have to make those decisions yet. I think it would be much better if we were not locked down. I was going meeting some people out, trying to stay out of sadness, now no more of that. I go outside for a break, that all I have. I really feel intensely alone, missing him in my everyday life. 
someday you may feel like paying those games, your loss is so recent, you may still in shock. It may be very difficult to know how to live without your constant companion who loved you, your foundation. I feel the same way. 

[peach_2003]

it is extremely hard to be with out him. Yes I know my loss is recent it has only been 3 weeks. this isolation is hard not been able to have people over. maybe when isolation is over than I can actually have a friend over to talk or play something. Plus maybe when I go back to work than it will be good to be around more people. Yesterday one of his pictures fall off the wall. It wasn't a picture of him but a poster that he taped on the wall. This picture has been on the wall for years and years I am not sure if he was trying to get my attention or if this was just a fluke,

[jwahlquist]

8 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I couldn't give up hope that he would come home to me.

If the doctors had given me any hope at all that my husband would one day wake up, I would have kept going and kept up his life support.   
 

 

46 minutes ago, peach_2003 said:

He just got himself a playstation 4 after all of this time ( he got it about a month or two before he got sick) he didn't even get to play half the games he bought himself. This just sucks so much.

I had just bought my husband the new golf clubs he had wanted for years.   He only got to use the driver once at virtual golf.   The other clubs arrived later and he wasn’t feeling up to doing anything as he had a cold.  They are still sitting in the garage.   He had bought a membership to a golf club and was so looking forward to playing this summer.  

 

1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

I feel like that crazy cat lady, the little ones are super destructive, I am constantly cleaning up after them.

I understand completely!   Sometimes animals feel like a blessing and other times it can be overwhelming.   I have 4 indoor cats and 1 outdoor cat.  We also have 3 dogs, 1 horse, and 30 chickens.   I feel overwhelmed at time just thinking about taking care of them all.  When my husband was here, he helped take care of everything and it didn’t feel overwhelming at all.  
The youngest cat is still less than a year old and drives me crazy with how much she gets into everything!   I bought some cat toy wands on Amazon and try to wear her out when she gets zoomy and hyper.   I try to wear her out before I go to bed so she isn’t a menace and will let me sleep.  
 

I haven’t been on my own in 23 years.  I was 19 when we started living together so 99% of my adult life I have been with him and lived with him.   It sucks!    I have my daughter but it isn’t the same as having my husband here.   I miss his company. 

[peach_2003]

I was 19 when we got married so we had been together my entire adult life. 

[jwahlquist]

11 minutes ago, peach_2003 said:

I was 19 when we got married so we had been together my entire adult life. 

It is hard isn’t it.  So much of who we are, our adult identity, is shaped and a part of who our spouses were.  I keep saying I don’t really know how to be an adult without him.  It is hard to make choices because I was so used to getting his opinion on everything.   Everything we did we talked about first and carefully planned it all out.   I miss that!

[peach_2003]

Yes I miss that too. I miss talking to him and just sitting with him. He truly was my best friend. The one that I could always count on.

[peach_2003]

I keep looking at his wedding band around my neck wishing that he was here and it was still on his hand I am so very sad. I can't stop crying 

[Missy1]

Yup, my hubby never took off his wedding ring, when they removed it in ICU I said Please  don’t do that, he never takes his ring off. They knew he wasn’t going to recover.
I also have a long chain with his ring, I clutch it in my hand every night and talk to him. I feel  It has his energy infused in it.

We all shared in a previous post stories of our wedding rings and how special they are to us. 
It’s precious to me, I am married and always will be, till death do us part. 
 

[peach_2003]

They took his ring off in the icu as well. they said that with him on the ventilator that he would swell up so they wanted to take it off in case they couldn't get it off afterward. they also gave me his glasses as well. I wear his ring on a chain around my neck I don't even take it off to sleep but maybe I should and hold it in my hand I have had only one dream about him I wish there was more and I haven't dreamt about anything else. I barely get any sleep at all because I am so sad and lonely without him here. I can't sleep in our bed its too lonely without him so I sleep on the couch 

[KayC]

I've lived alone years ago but doing so after losing George was very different...I had my person, and having to do without him was vastly different.  I got used to having him and talking over everything, and snuggling, and doing everything together...it's been lonely ever since.  I can take a little solitude, but I need some socialization, this is like nothing I've experienced before, I wonder if there's any coming back from this?  My heart goes out to those newly grappling with grief AND this isolation as well.  It's just too much.  Funny no one's done a segment on how this affects those newly grieving...bet no one wants to go there or look at that.

[peach_2003]

I had a dream last night ( it was not a visitation dream) I dreamt that I came back from his parents house ( I go there once a week like we always did) and I heard snoring sounds from the bedroom. I went in there and there was my husband sleeping in our bed. He still had some scabs and sores from when he was in the hospital and told me that he was still sore and tired. He said that he was discharged from the hospital I told him we thought he died he and said that hospital had made a mistake. He tried to call his parents but they hung up on him. When I told him that his nerd con was cancelled he got mad and said that it was stupid than I woke up.

[KayC]

I think that our subconscious has this hope that this is a mistake and they will be back.  It's hard for this to sink in, we think "this can't be happening!"

[Missy1]

That was an amazing dream! I heard that you dream that they try to call you or refer to calling it means communicate with. If that is the case then his parents are not open to communicate with him in his new world.  I am so glad you had this experience. 
 

[peach_2003]

His parents would never be willing to communicate with him. I am always willing to communicate with him. I wish this was all a mistake and that he was okay and there was a mistake and he is just sick. But I know that isn't true. 

[peach_2003]

I just keep thinking of everything he was looking forward to but will miss out on. He wanted to see the new star wars movie again we went to see it in theaters and he wanted to see it again but it left theaters before I we could. I told him we would buy it the day it came out. Instead of getting to buy it the day it came out I buried him instead. There was so much we wanted to do together and now its all over and I am just so sad and alone. 

[Missy1]

We saw Skywalker, the week before he died. We loved it! I don’t know what  to do without him, or how to live without him, I can’t!,
This is a horrible way to live. I never knew people existed with so much pain in their lives. Other people could never comprehend the impact of this  life altering event. It touches every aspect of you life. I feel destroyed, with no desire to rebuild.

[peach_2003]

its exactally how I feel. I feel dead inside. his parents are doing better than I am. I just feel like dying so I can be with him. I miss him so very much.