loss of best friend

[peach_2003]

I just lost my husband who was my soul mate and best friend 2 weeks ago. He went into the hospital on March 1st with Pancertitis which was caused by gull stones which started shutting down his kidneys within hours. However he was able to walk into the hospital on his own he was just in a lot of pain. On march 3d they decided to move him to the icu because he said that his breathing was off. On march 4th they put him on a ventilator which they told me was just to help him and he would only be on it for a few days. The doctor even told him before he put him on it that he was going to get him through this 100. He ended up with a fungus in his lungs which they couldn't explain how he got it. He spent 3 weeks on the ventilator his vital signs where all good but when they did a ct scan they said that his pancertitis had gotten worse and it was know effecting his other organs and that surgery was not an option.They told me that even if they took him off the ventilator and he was able to breath on his own he would be in the hospital for months on kidney dialysis for the rest of his life and he may still not make it. He passed away on March 27th 2020 at the age of 37. We don't have any children and because of this covid-19 I can't even have the one friend that we have to come over. I am completely alone except for the cat that my husband loved so much. we would have been married 17 years this june. I can't sleep in our bed because it is to hard , everything reminds me of him and I am just so sad all the time. I can't stop crying and being mad at the doctors and nurses who kept telling me that he was making baby steps and getting better. I am mad that they didn't treat his illness and that it got worse to the point that I am now all alone. My husband was a sweet and kind man who loved star wars and toys and collecting. He never drank, smoked or did drugs except for his medication that was prescribed by his doctor. I don't know how this happened and I am just so sad and upset. I keep asking for a sign that he is still here with me and I wear his wedding band around my neck. I don't know were to go from here and don't know what to do with my life. I am not working right now because I am in grief but I do have a full time job which I will be going back to in May but right now all I do is sit around the house crying and looking at all his toys that I promised him I would keep as a reminder of him plus I enjoy them as well. I used to complain about his snoring but now I miss it so much that I would give up everything just to have him back.. 

[Jim1976]

Hi peach , I feel your pain I really do this virus makes it even harder , I’m not an expert I’ve lost my wife 3 weeks ago so I’m like you stunned , disbelief , upset every emotion I’m going through so much pain everyday what gets me is I miss her voice so much , and sleeping in the bed I’m the same it’s Lonely the world seems lonely , please realise we aren’t on our own there is people who care I am feeling your pain try to be positive and I will do the same , what I find is texting or talking about it don’t think your boring people or annoying people that’s what we got on this site for ok 

[peach_2003]

I miss his voice too. I have videos that he took when we were camping or special holidays and hearing his voice isn't the same as hearing it beside me. I haven't slept in our bed since I lost him I sleep on the couch I don't even dream of him I wish I could I think about him before bed and hope to see him in my dreams than I don't and I wake up even sadder

[Jim1976]

I know I can’t even look at a picture of my wife it’s too sad and life seems sad and mornings are the worst for me I hate them but don’t think your alone your not you will find happiness 

[peach_2003]

I moved our wedding picture from the bedroom to the living room so I can see it better but it is difficult to look at. I sleep with a picture of him under my pillow I was hoping that it would let me dream about him but it doesn't seem to work. I can't even cook anymore eating alone sucks and he used to love my cooking he said it was one of the things that he loved about me was my cooking. 

[Missy1]

I’m so very sorry for your loss I lost my husband 10 weeks ago it still feels like yesterday. Sadly there’s nothing we can do to bring them back it’s so hard to live with the pain I understand there are a lot of good people on this site who have suffered great losses as well. I’m sorry you’re here but keep coming back it helps to write your feelings and vent we understand.

I have been sleeping in our bed and every night I go to bed but I see his empty spot and I cry myself to sleep every night.  I wake up and the first thing I realizes he’s gone! it so hard I don’t know what the answer is I’m trying hard to figure it out myself. We were that same soul joined at the hip, we did everything together and miss him so much!  I have learned a lot here, read some threads and keep posting. Take one day at a time, one breath at a time. 

[peach_2003]

I can't even walk into our bedroom without bawling my eyes out

[Missy1]

I totally get it, I had to because my parents were staying with me for the first couple of weeks. So I was forced to sleep in our bed but I’m kind of glad that I did it because it would’ve gotten harder as time goes by it’s still so painful.

I have his ashes on my nightstand, I kiss the box ever night and say good night my love.  I’ve left everything in place just the way he left it. His water cup which has a built-in plastic straw still has his little lip prints on it has water in it, I treasure everything that his. I also have his ring on a long gold chain and clutch in my hand as I try to fall asleep. I stared taking ZQuil an over the counter sleep aid, I can get 5 or 6 hrs of sleep now.

i hope you have people to talk to, close friends, this isolation has me stuck in time, I feel out of sync. I know people are tired of hearing my pain, I am still not okay. This site is the only place I can rant without judgement. Please let us know how you are doing people do care!  

[peach_2003]

My husband was buried so I don't have his ashes but I do kiss a picture of him every night. I wear his ring around my neck just like you do and all of his toys that he had on are book shelves are still right where he left them his water bottle that he used right before he went into the hospital is still on his bed side table. I can't bare to move anything all of it looks the same as he left them.

[Missy1]

I am at the angry point, I feel my life is some nightmare and horrific  joke! This event, has changed everything.  
I hope for you, that you find a purpose and every so slowly be able to walk thru this. You will need strength and courage. I don’t know why we have been throwing into this abyss. I ask each day “why” ? There is no answer, only more questions... 

I am in survival mode, some days are sketchy and others are just numb. I am all alone, with his cats. I don’t know or see a future yet. I don’t ever want anyone else. Everyone is so different, grief for each of is very unique, remember to just breathe and try not to go down the rabbit hole.

 

[Cole Flash]

So, so sorry for your loss.  I lost my wife of 25 years just over a year ago.  She died suddenly from complications from surgery.  Surgery that wasn't suppose to be life threatening.  She died here at home, in my arms with me begging her to stay with me.  Completely unexpected, sudden and devastating.  I understand your pain, your sorrow mixed in with anger and resentment.  It wasn't suppose to happen this way.  LIke you, I deal with both the grieving loss as well as the trauma of how it happened. I remember a week after my wife died, my dog got bit by a copperhead and as I took him to the emergency vet, I remember saying "F*ck you death!"  I was very angry at everything.  It was very nearly too much. Thankfully, my dog fully recovered.  But the resentments and anger last far longer.  It's been a year now for me.  I can tell you that while the pain hasn't gone away, there are changes.  Please understand that your feelings are normal.  You've obviously have suffered a massive shock and its not going to go away.  One of the things you'll learn is that it never will.  So don't expect it to.  Each day will begin the process of grieving.  I'm on the journey too.  I am so more aware of loss, far, far more sensitive to other people's loss than I used to be.  In my ignorance, I had no idea before my wife passed away the complete upheaval, the secondary losses, the plans, the history, everything that is instantly snuffed out. Gone.  There is so much unavoidable pain in everyone's life.  We can't get through life without experiencing it.  If you have a life, it is simply impossible to avoid it.  I pray for you to find some peace, some solace, some few moments of escape.  It will get a bit easier.  But at this juncture, it is too difficult to even contemplate life anew.  So don't try for a while.  Just try to feel the invisible hands, like those on this forum, as well as your friend, that are reaching out to you in every possible way to help you get through this.  Embrace this help. 

[jwahlquist]

@peach_2003

I am sorry for your loss.  I wish I could say that I don’t get it but sadly I do.  I lost my husband a little over 2 months ago.  Much like your husband he walked into the hospital ER and never came home again.   No one could explain why.   I swear our husbands even sound similar.  My husband was sweet, funny, loved Star Wars, comics, movies based on comics and collected Funko Pops & Legos.   He was only 48 and I am 42.   He was my everything: best friend, love of my life, protector, supporter, sounding board and more.  We have been together for 23 years and married for 22.  I have been married almost my entire adult life so I am not even sure who I am without him.   I feel too young to be a “widow”.......I don’t even like the word.  
 

I slept on the couch for 6 weeks and couldn’t step foot in our room except to walk quickly through to the bathroom.  I didn’t eat for several weeks and lost a lot of weight.  I wasn’t sleeping at all for a while.  I was tired and getting so run down.   My doctor prescribed antidepressants and sleeping pills which have helped some.  At least I am sleeping and it doesn’t feel like the grief is crushing the life out of me.   I am still foggy brained, sad, crying and tired but not nearly as much as I was.  
 

Seeing a therapist has helped as well.   She has given my daughter and I suggestions on how to communicate easier.  She has helped us understand each other’s grief and grief processing.  The therapist I have been seeing asked why I wasn’t sleeping in the room.   I was honest and said I just couldn’t.   Her response was that the longer I avoided it the harder it was likely going to become to deal with it.    I told her there was no way I could sleep in our bed or our room without him.   She said “ So change it.  Get a new bed, paint the room, make it yours.   It doesn’t mean you are forgetting about him or that you love or miss him less.”   I didn’t do anything right away but I did think about what she said.   I decided that I would never be able to sleep in “our bed” again.   A king size bed just felt too big without him.   So my daughter and I sat down and looked at paint colors, picked some new bedding and accessories and I got a new mattress.  I cleared out 99% of what was in here and we created a sitting area.   I haven’t touched anything else in the house and of the other rooms remain the same.  But this has become a place where my daughter and I spend the majority of our time.   I guess I needed a space where I could feel calm and not overwhelmed by emotions every time I looked around.  Having a calm space, coming here and taking time for some “me” time have all helped me feel less anxiety.   
 

I hope you find you own way for some peace in this difficult time.  What I have learned coming here and seeing a therapist is that there is no one way to grieve and everyone needs something different to deal with their grief.   

[peach_2003]

Yeah my husband loved movies based on comics and comics as well. Plus video games and star trek. He was just a big kid at heart. I loved him more than words can say. I may change our bedroom eventually ( I can't paint it because we live in apartment) he wanted a house but couldn't afford one yet. He wanted to go to disney world that was one of his ultimate wishes that he never got a chance to do and makes me feel bad, We were married young I was 19 he was 20 we didn't get a honeymoon. This was going to be a late honeymoon for us. He had it all planned out were we would eat what we will do. I am just so heart broken

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, peach_2003 said:

He wanted to go to disney world that was one of his ultimate wishes that he never got a chance to do and makes me feel bad, We were married young I was 19 he was 20 we didn't get a honeymoon. This was going to be a late honeymoon for us.

I am sorry that you & your husband didn’t get to take your trip.   We had planned to go to Disney World and Universal Studios in Florida with our daughter for our 25th anniversary.  Sadly, that isn’t going to happen.   

[peach_2003]

sorry your trip isn't going to happen. my husband loved disney I don't think I could bare taking the trip without him.

[KayC]

I, too, wanted to take my husband to Disneyland, figured we'd go as soon as we retired or got a vacation together, never did get to.

I am so sorry, @peach_2003 and @Cole Flash for your losses.  This is the hardest thing in the world.  Cole, you are right, our grief journey evolves...it has a beginning but not an ending, but the intensity of pain is not as severe later on down the road as in the beginning, I don't think we could handle it otherwise.

I wrote this at about ten years out, of the things I'd found helpful, not everything if for everyone, of course, we're all as unique as our relationships and journeys, but the thing that helped me the most of learning to take one day at a time...after that, learning to live in the present and look for whatever bit of joy exists, no matter how small, Lord knows I could use whatever I can get so I don't want to discount any even if fleeting.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[peach_2003]

its hard not to isolate myself I would love to have our 1 friend that we shared over but with the covid-19 its not possiable. were not even able to get together with more than 5 people. I can't go to the doctor as all doctor office in my area are closed. I will make appointment later with my doctor ( glad I have a different one then he did) and speak with her to see if she can recommend any grief counselling in my area. 

[Cole Flash]

There is no doubt that the covid crisis makes dealing with the loss all the more difficult.  I feel for those who lose a loved one during this time.  The loneliness and the loss are all magnified.  But, you are on the right path.  Seek out help.  This website is a blessing.  Keep doing what you're doing.  Maybe try facetime with your friend.  That might help bridge the gap until the time when things return to some semblance of normal.  I, and so many others here are praying for you and thinking of you during these difficult days.  You are most definitely not alone in this.  That's probably what I've realized more than anything else.  You're not alone although you likely feel like you are.  In fact, its quite the opposite.  No one avoids the pain of loss.  No one.  It's part of living.  That's why sharing is so important.  It does not make it any easier, but in time, there will come a lifting of the burden.  It won't be so heavy all the time.

[peach_2003]

I keep asking for a sign that he is okay but I haven't received I sign at all.

[Cole Flash]

Me too.  I struggle with that as well.  That's where your faith comes in.  I struggle with my faith.  But I try to tell myself that even the scientists will say that nothing ever really goes away, it just changes or alters into something else.  All the matter that ever was, still is.  Water boils to steam, a caterpillar into a butterfly. One thing doesn't go away, it just changes into something else.  So I find some comfort in thinking that my wife is still a part of this universe.  She is within its entirety.  I tell myself that she is indeed fine.  She is part of that continuum that is eternity. I struggle with that idea but I pray I find the faith to reassure me. You and I are both on that journey.  All I can only say to you is to have faith.

[peach_2003]

its hard to keep the faith. when he was sick I prayed that if he got better I would be an even better wife then I already was I asked god to save his life so I could prove this to him but that didn't seem to work. the cat looks around like there is something there that I can't see I wonder if its him If he is here and I just can't see him

[Cole Flash]

I wish I knew the answers but I don't.  We all share these struggles, second guesses, regrets and if only's.  I struggle with them every day.  But I'm beginning to realize that everything is OK.  Not the same, but OK.  I'm not there yet, but I'm just a bit closer than yesterday.  I pray the same for you in your journey.  Try to keep busy with other things to keep your mind occupied.  Pet the cat.  Go outside and if its a nice day, breathe in the fresh air. Reach out to friends or family, if only a phone call.  Read above what Kay C posted and read it again.  There are many, many books to help guide you through grief.  The internet is a great source.  Realize you're just starting this unwanted journey.  It's a tough thing.  Take one day at a time.  We're all praying for you.  Go outside and literally say aloud "there are so many people praying for me right now."   Because we are.

[peach_2003]

sometimes I wish i would have gotten a second doctor to see if the diagnosis was correct. I wish I would have not listened to his parents when they just told me to pull the plug on him. I should have been stronger than that but I wasn't his parents were negative through out this entire medical ordeal saying that he wasn't going to live and that I should give up hope. They gave up on him after the first week but I didn't I couldn't and the nurses told me not to give up hope that he was very sick but was making baby steps. Than because of the covid19 I wasn't able to sit with him for a week because they banned people from the hospital and they said he was doing fine so I could go home but to call and check on him. I did every few hours and they told me that he was doing okay that he was stable but no change than I was called in and told that his pancertitis was worse but the doctor wanted to wean him from the ventilator to see if they could get him to breath on his own. His dad didn't like this and screamed at me to let him go and end his suffering. I was able to give him and extra day but the next day after that his parents made me pull him from life support they screamed at me in his room and when the doctor asked me what I wanted I didn't know what to do I said to end his suffering. I feel so guilty of this because I should have just let the doctor wean him off the ventilator like he wanted to do maybe if I did than I would still have my hug a bug (husband) alive. I wouldn't care if he was still in the hospital or if I had to call every few hours to check on him he would still be with me.

[Cole Flash]

My wife died on my watch.  She was home after surgery and doing seemingly fine.  Then, when I went into the bedroom to give her some medications she began to have some problems.  At first, nothing to alarming, but then suddenly in a matter of seconds, her difficulties escalated into a full scale nightmare.  Out of nowhere, she collapsed.  A quick succession of 9-1-1, CPR, medics, ambulances, and assorted emergency personnel followed but could not save her.  It was an unholy, terrifying ordeal that changed my life forever.  I carry guilt in thinking that maybe I could have done things different.  Maybe I could have foreseen what was going to happen and do things that would have avoided this nightmare.  Unfortunately, we cannot see into the future.  We can't know what is going to happen. You did everything you could to help your husband.  You must avoid the guilt in thinking you should have known, you could have done things differently to alter the future.  Praying for you.  If you feel overwhelmed, call the 800 number KayC put on her post.  They can help.  Reach out to all the help that is available.  

[jwahlquist]

@peach_2003 

I get it.   My husband walked into the ER.  He was having trouble breathing then they kicked us out of the room.   His heart stopped and the doctors brought him back.   He was on Life support: dialysis as his kidneys quit working, a ventilator to breathe for him, insulin because his illness caused his diabetes to spike his blood sugar and more antibiotics than I could count.  They did what felt like a million tests and what it ultimately came down to after 6 days was that his brain was too damaged by the lack of oxygen when he coded.   The neurologist said he would never wake up again.  I had to make the decision on what to do.   I didn’t let his parents dictate what I was doing.   They wanted me to let him go earlier in the day but I said no.  I wanted his brother, my brother and any other family that wanted to say goodbye to be able to do so.   I wanted some time alone with him to lay down next to him and cuddle 1 last time.  I wanted my daughter to have the same chance.  I have to say the nurses were amazing and basically said whatever I said was what they would do.   If I wanted time alone then they told everyone else no visitors.   I am still not sure I did the right thing.   There are a million choices I could have made that maybe would have changed things.  But thinking about those just makes me want to take a long walk off a short pier.   I hope some day to be at peace with it all but I am not yet.  
 

At least my in-laws weren’t horrible to me.  It sounds like your in-laws were awful.  I am sorry you were treated that way.  

[Missy1]

9 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I keep asking for a sign that he is okay but I haven't received I sign at all.

You will see a sign first you have to open your heart and really try to think about all the things that were personal and just between you and him and look for the signs I’ve had so many it’s incredible I don’t talk about them a lot because these are very personal and emotional.
He communicates with me for example yesterday I’m using his iPad, I opened it up and this music suggestion appeared “you can do it by yourself” I have  never heard a song like that or looked for a song like that I don’t even know if it exists but I know it was him. I get a lot of them, it hurt so much, even though I am grateful for anything from him.
I never stop hurting and the pain is so deep in the hole is so big that he left inside my heart sometimes I wonder if I’m gonna make it if. Everything feels so pointless and life so empty with the isolation I have no one...

 

[peach_2003]

The only sign I get that he may be around is the cat who was very close to him ( the cat used to following him every where) will look over my shoulder at nothing and meow or look up the hall and talk to someone who isn't there. Yes my in laws were horriable through out this. He was a only child so I get it but even the nurses couldn't believe the way they were treating me. They have been great now though. They call me to check on me and still consider me there daughter in law dad takes me to the grocery store if I have to get large items that I can't carry he only had 1 good friend that he met at work years ago. He found out right after his grand ma died that this guy was a distant cousins, through out all this he has been great checking on me daily to make sure that I am okay I am great full that he had this guy as a friend and cousin. 

[KayC]

Peach,

It is common for our faith to be shaken to the core.  I have always been an avid pray-er but the year following George's death it felt like my prayers bounced back off the walls of heaven.  It felt like God was a million miles away.  But He wasn't.  He was there all the time, carrying me, I just couldn't see it for my own grief was palpable.  Try not to worry about answers.  I don't attribute them being gone to God's will or doing, but something that just happened, I don't try unduly to figure it out, it's beyond me to understand reasoning in this.  I hate cliches for that reason, people say things like it's God's will, how do THEY know?!  They don't even know what it's like to go through this!  I wish they wouldn't try to sum up my now life in a brief statement!  Give yourself time to absorb this, it's a lot, it will take a long time to process it.  And that we have.

I remember that first year I didn't have dreams of George and I couldn't understand that because we were each other's WORLD!  We were always together!  How could he not be in my dreams!  I put too much on it and it caused me anxiety I didn't need.  Now I'd tell myself to breathe, relax, he'll come to me when he does and a dream or not doesn't change who we were to each other!  Animals live in the present, they don't worry about things the same as we do, so they may be more open without baggage getting in the way.

My core faith remained, however, whether I felt it or not...I remember choosing "It is Well" to sing at his funeral, it was my statement...I figured if you can sing that at the hardest time of your life, that says something.  It was what he admired about me.  I selected one of his favorite hymns as well, "As the Deer."  I had a friend tell me they are in the grave and we can't access them...of course, she still has her husband, easy for her to say.  All of the grievers I've known still talk to their spouse.  There's something fundamental about us reaching out for them and it goes beyond people's teachings or beliefs.  Some things can't be explained away.  As long as the two of us exist somewhere we will be reaching for each other the only way we know to.

[peach_2003]

i talk to my husband or at least I try I end up crying most of the time but I still try and talk to him.

[jwahlquist]

4 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

i talk to my husband or at least I try I end up crying most of the time but I still try and talk to him.

I talk to my husband every night and I cry every single time.   It is kind of my way to let out all of the emotions that I have kept in check most of the day.  Will I always cry when I talk him, who knows?   

[peach_2003]

His friend told me to cry as much as I need too it will help and not to let my emotions get bottled up.

 

[Missy1]

I agree and the emotional loss seems to hit in waves of pain.  I will never give up hope that I will be with in the next realm/afterlife. It’s just so painful to remain here. At the end of the day I am happy that it’s not the other way around, I would not want him to feel this pain. I will take it and finish up here and can’t wait to see him again. The day is mostly done, I can check off one less day left here without him.

[Dey]

@peach_2003 im sorry for your lost. I lost my husband and my bestfriend last Wednesday due to sudden heart attack. It's hard to accept the reality, thus I'm here reading you and other members post just to help me breathe a little easier knowing I'm not alone. 

On 4/12/2020 at 5:34 AM, peach_2003 said:

i talk to my husband or at least I try I end up crying most of the time but I still try and talk to him.

I do this too, I still make his coffee every morning and then flush the ready coffee to kitchen sink, talk to him (while also crying) anytime anywhere. I do everything in autopilot mode, but always talk to him although he's not there..

[peach_2003]

I fine it hard to make supper because my husband used to love my cooking so much. He didn't drink coffee but I fine it hard when I am having to go to the grocery store. I fine myself thinking what would my husband want for supper. I can't even make his favorite foods anymore because it makes so much food ( enough for two people and then some) and I just don't feel like cooking for just myself. 

[Dey]

During the lockdown, he only wanted to eat my cooking too. On the day of his passing, he asked me to cook one of his fave dish, he nagged me when would it be ready, he was already impatient to eat it. The meal was cooked but he never had time to eat it, i hated the view of it, I threw away all of it (yes, the plate also) to garbage. 

I haven't gone to grocery store, me and my son have to self-isolate ourself for 14 days because we were out and met people during the funeral. But i can already imagine going to grocery or everywhere would be so hard. We used to do everything together.

 

[peach_2003]

it is really hard I went to the grocery store and cried all the way through it. I can't go to the toy section at Walmart because my husband collected toys. I used to love to read but that has hardly any enjoyment for me anymore. We used to do everything together as well. Shopping playing video games and board games. Now I am alone ( no children just a cat) he only had 1 good friend and I really don't have any we had each other that's all we really needed. I have co workers but that's not the same. I don't hang out with them after work all we really had was each other. We were best friends. the last 17 years it has been just us. 

[jwahlquist]

Oh the grocery store is no fun.   We used to go shopping together and planned meals together. My husband loved to cook and he was amazing at it.   I have always hated cooking so it has been a hard adjustment for me.  The kitchen was always his area of the house.  So I find myself taking care of everything he used to do......the cooking, dishes and taking out the garbage......in addition to everything I already did on my own.   
 

My new “best friend” is the air fryer my daughter talked me into getting.  So far I have used it every day and it is easy.  
 

My husband was my best friend.   He did have a lot of friends and some of them will send me texts or messages and check in on us.  I have some friends that check in on me too.   But honestly it isn’t the same as being able to get out and see people and visit with friends.  The isolation is tough.  

[peach_2003]

My husband was not fond of cooking. He would however start peeling the potatoes for me so I could start supper when I got home or he would pre heat the oven for me. The garbage was his job as well. He used to collect the garbage he said that I already work hard enough and at least he could do is help out bit.

The isolation is no fun at all I cant have any one over ( not that I would have had many people over but at least I would proably have his friend over) but also nothing is really open here and I am off work right now because the DM  wants me to rest she knows how much I loved my husband and how close we were. 

[KayC]

My husband's extent of cooking was to grill cheese sandwiches and heat up some canned soup, LOL.  But he loved and appreciated everything I fixed and it made it so enjoyable to cook for him.  The Friday before he died I left for my sister's reunion and I'd made him his favorite dish...the next time I came home he was gone and he'd never gotten to eat any of it.  I remember finding the Cornish Game Hens I'd bought him to try...he didn't get to.  I'd bought him extra sharp Cheddar to try, he never got to.  His birthday present came late...after he'd passed away.  So many things hit so hard.  

 

[peach_2003]

my husband order this action figure that he really wanted. The release date isn't until may he ordered in in jan. I don't even want to cancel this order I want to make sure that the last thing that he ordered I will receive. He really wanted it couldn't wait for it to come out 

[peach_2003]

I had a dream early this morning when I had a nap. my husband and I were sitting on the couch and I was playing on the computer ( I puzzle game that he had found us) and he said wow and I asked him if he got that far in the game he said no and I said sorry about that and he said I know and than he hugged me and whisper I love you in my ears. It was if I could feel his hug I could feel his arms around me. 

[Missy1]

That was beautiful, I am glad you had that dream, they are with us and I believe can come to us in dreams. I had a couple of dreams where were we talked and he hugged me and held my hand and said I know I have leave now, I woke up and cried so hard. I can’t see a life without him ever! I still wonder around lost, not knowing how to live or what to do. 
I hope you are able to hang on to your beautiful memories and that they  will keep you feeling close to him. 

[peach_2003]

I am trying to hold on to the good times. That dream was great it helped me a lot today, it is one of they days that  I haven't cried all day long. Matthew my husband said that in life or death he would protect me he would and I believe him.

[Dey]

3 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I had a dream early this morning when I had a nap. my husband and I were sitting on the couch and I was playing on the computer ( I puzzle game that he had found us) and he said wow and I asked him if he got that far in the game he said no and I said sorry about that and he said I know and than he hugged me and whisper I love you in my ears. It was if I could feel his hug I could feel his arms around me. 

This is beautiful... i can feel how deep your connection with him.. 

[peach_2003]

yes our connection is very deep. We have been together for 17 years we barly had been a part except when we worked we slept in the same bed ( I used to wear ear plugs because he snored so loud) but now I miss the snoring its tough to sleep without him snoring. I miss sitting with him watching movies or playing video games or just sitting quietly together.  

[peach_2003]

I keep asking why, why did he leave me when he promised me he wouldn't why did it have to be him that got sick and died. I am not used to being on my own and now that's what I am alone

[KayC]

I'm glad you had that dream, I rarely do, I understand it's hard to wake up from them.  

[peach_2003]

it was a great dream I just wish it would have been longer I hope I get more I did dream of him last night.

 

[peach_2003]

today wasn't a good day. I can't stop crying and wishing my husband was here

[Dey]

21 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

yes our connection is very deep. We have been together for 17 years we barly had been a part except when we worked we slept in the same bed ( I used to wear ear plugs because he snored so loud) but now I miss the snoring its tough to sleep without him snoring. I miss sitting with him watching movies or playing video games or just sitting quietly together.  

Sam and I also been together for 17 years, marriage 13 years. Now, I miss all the things about him. The spooning, the laughter, even our fights and the arguing. Why did he left me... it's so hard being without him, I barely hangin on, I try for the sake of my son, I'm his only one left, but............