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CatL

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Here we go again


CatL

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My dear love passed April 2020. Its been 15 months since he passed. Now my father has passed away. Is this the start of another 15 months of grieving? My mother was hospitalized with COVID last night, before my father died. She wasn't told about his passing until today. Will she survive? Will she get out of the hospital? Will we have a double funeral? Or a single funeral? I don't know. But once again I begin a slow process of mourning. What else can I do?

Today someone told me God doesn't give us more than we can bear. I'm not sure that's exactly comforting. Yes, I realize others have had similar loss during this time of COVID. Other's have lost various family members during this pandemic. Many have had to endure mourning, sustained mourning, mourning that begins, diminishes, then grows again. It feels like that is what God has given me right now - a time of more mourning.

Somehow we make it through. We find the strength required to get up day after day, find a purpose in life, give ourselves a reason to live. And we can find it. If we want to live, we have to find it. No matter how strange our reason, our purpose or reason must be found. Right now, with two deaths behind me, my husband and my father, I can feel that deep sadness trying to find a foothold. I want to cry, but I resist. I resist because life is too precious, it matters too much. And I'm still alive. 

And I still matter. And maybe that's reason enough. Maybe that's my reason for getting up each day - I'm alive, and I still matter.

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