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Knife's edge



Sometimes you just don't really realize how much of a knife's edge you're sitting on until something dumb and little happens. This morning I got up, did my normal routine, had my tea, and even did dishes by hand. I had a couple of pans from last night that needed to be washed. And then I noticed it. I had water on the floor. Not too much, but enough to take about 3-4 towels to dry it up. I'm talking towels, not little paper towels. The pipe under the kitchen sink came undone, actually it looks like it broke.

I took action, got towels to clean up the water. Removed everything from under the sink. Moved the padded rugs, moved them aside, dried under them. I took care of everything I could, even contact a couple of plumbers to see who could come over and fix it. Even though I had a good idea of how to fix it, I had some online classes to deal with today and felt having a professional handle the break would make the most sense.

I did all this as quickly and calmly as I could. I was obviously concerned, the water was on hardwood floors, and of course the bottom of the cabinet was soaked. So I did what I could to make sure everything dried safely.

So why, when my housekeeper/assistant showed up did I spend the next half hour crying my eyes out? I actually had done everything I could well before she showed up, but I still just bawled my eyes out. Even now, late afternoon, just thinking about today leaves me crying.

I enjoyed my online classes. I learned a lot. I had fun. In that way, it was a great day.

And yet.... Just being without my husband and having to take care of this on my own, just leaves me in tears. I'm capable, I can handle it. The plumber is coming tomorrow, its not like the house is flooded. But it reminds me of how alone I am, that he's gone. Even if he couldn't have done anything about the broken pipe, just knowing he would be there would have made me feel better. It would made me feel less alone.

How does something so little, something I even can figure out how to fix, bring me to tears. Because now I'm alone, and he's gone. Something so little can just bring me to tears, and all I can figure is that it's because I've been doing my best to hold it all together. And today I just fell off that knife's edge. What else will push me off that edge. That remains to be seen.

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Those are exactly the kind of things that send me over the edge.  This little things that come up and remind you that you are alone; you no longer have your partner to help you and share the issue with you.  We say these are little things, but they are not.  They are the things that build the relationship that was so important for 38 years.  We shared everything, neither of us had to face anything that life through at us alone.  I was always there for him and he was always there for me, even if it was just to tell him something that happened at work. 


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