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16 months



Its been 16 months since my husband passed. For some reason, okay there are a few good ones, today its just hitting me. Yes, my father passed away recently so maybe that's adding to my feelings. But today its just one of those days.

I don't know why I feel like crying. Its sunny outside, the weather has been nice, even the dogs have been fairly good today. But I just feel like crying. Its like this pall of grief, of mourning, of loss that is just enveloping me. I've had no appetite. I've snacked a little bit, and I had some soup. But beyond that I just don't even want food. I've been making myself drink fluids, but solid food just isn't on the menu today. Early today just as I was on the slide down, I had some carrots and hummus. And then I ate some nuts. The dinner was just lentil soup. Not much really in the way of food, enough but not really much.

I don't feel hungry, so I know its just because of how I feel. Its a loss of appetite because of how I feel.

How do I feel? I feel like going back to bed and just crying. I haven't done that. I've tried watching tv, but I couldn't even really tell you what I watched. I just couldn't concentrate on anything. So I haven't done anything. Even emails have been ignored. A part of me just feels like "why bother?" I don't normally feel like this, but sometimes it happens.

Part of my brain says call someone, talk to someone. And yet, who would I call? Who do I feel comfortable enough, safe enough with to talk to about this? When I ask myself that, the answer becomes "Nobody!" Right now I don't feel like there is anybody I could call and just express my feeling to. Some don't have time for me, some just aren't really friends enough to care, most don't even want to hear about it (insert their eye roll here, yes I have noticed them). I know, they have their own lives. And nobody really wants to keep hearing about it. Get over, it, move on, etc., etc., etc. 

I tried walking the dogs to see if that would help improve my mood. No such luck. But the dogs need to be walked so I walk them. Sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done, even if you don't feel like it. Today was one of those days.

Its days like this that make me wonder if I should even consider dating anyone. Am I ready? I don't know. I'd like to think I am. But its days like today when I just don't know if I am. Does anybody want to deal with someone else when they get in these types of moods? Is it even fair for me subject someone else to this episodes?

No, I'm not going to hurt myself. The most I'll do is go to bed early and cry. I don't even need a sad movie, or a sad book. My feelings right now would be enough.

Its just this feeling of total loss of love.


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