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A New Year alone



Last night was the first New Year’s Eve that I have spent alone in the last 6 years. I felt so lonely and tired. Just exhausted from dealing with this roller coaster ride since he passed. 

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It’s been a couple of days. I have been up to our place when we lived together. The youngest son was kind enough to put together a box of items that would hold special memories for me. He had put some extra things in there that he thought his father would want me to have. We had a really nice talk and I was able to share some of the memories that I had made with his dad. I shared pictures that we had taken together and he got to see a side of his dad he had never seen before. It was good to see some light back in his weary eyes. It had been a long week getting the apartment packed up and cleaned out. I was suppose to go meet him today so we could spend the day reminiscing some more. But he got a call from the crematorium telling him that his dad’s ashes were ready to be picked up. I offered to go with since his brother was suppose to be working. And I didn’t want him going alone. He said that he would call me this morning if his brother couldn’t go. He didn’t call, so I’m guessing his brother went with him. 
I have to say that I slept better last night than I have in awhile. I had given my Love several stuffed animals over the years, and would spray my perfume on one of them so he could have it on my pillow when we slept apart. So when I got those stuffed animals and his cologne in my box. I did the same thing. Laying in bed last night, smelling his smell beside me felt calming. Like he was laying right beside me. I could close my eyes and fall asleep to a familiar scent. It was funny, our cat walked right up to the stuffed animal and sniffed it with no sense of trepidation. It was like, I smell Dad. She sniffed the bear for a few minutes and then went and laid down. She doesn’t really like big stuffed animals, they startle her. But she knew her dad’s scent. 
I’m still breaking down some everyday, but keep taking steps forward. I know that is the only way to get through this. One day at a time.

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