Unsettled. Sad. And a dash of fear..
Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. What would have been her 86th. It's supposed to be stifling hot too. She would have been miserable in this heat however and I'd have heard all about it, bless her.
My daughter got engaged today and while I am happy for her and her husband to-be, I am also sad. My Mom would have been thrilled and it feels wrong she's not here to share in it. She had a special bond with my daughter. My Mom was with me when I went into premature labour out of the country and I gave birth to my 1 lb 13 oz daughter. She stayed with me for a month and its only now that I realise how much that meant and how much I needed her support. She drove me crazy at times, but she was there for me.
And now my daughter has been offered a job across the country on top of the other news. She's thrilled, I'm heartbroken. She already lived out of the country for two and a half years and that was really hard. She eventually left an abusive partner and came back to live with us for the two and a half years of the pandemic. I want her happiness and for her to have great opportunities. Of course I do. But I'm feeling like it would be another loss in my life.
I guess that's selfish of me. I mean, I'd be okay with her moving to another town etc, but across the country?? It hasnt even happened, yet here I am already crying over it.
My emotions are all over the place these days. Menopause? Lol... who knows. My husband had an abnormal result for the colon cancer screening test he did last week - one of those mail-in kits... Of course the C word crosses your mind. It feels like icy needles down my arms and in my gut when I think of it. Pure fear. He has to get further testing. It's scary, but necessary.
Since my Mom passed away and I've gotten older, I think about death all of the time now. The pandemic didn't help either. I'm terrified of losing my husband and my remaining siblings. I can't even contemplate the loss of my children. I ...
Yup, not going to go there. I am great at giving advice to other people - "get busy and find a purpose" or "you need to start getting out more and doing something that makes you happy." I need to take my own advice, I guess.
My sisters seem to have processed our Mom's death more... easily? Quickly? I spoke to my one sister last night about it. She said she still has her 'moments' but feels like the deep agonizing grief has subsided. And I feel it like it's still like yesterday. I have respite when I'm involved in something else, but I haven't been doing anyrhing. I left my job and took care of my mom for 5 years. Now I have no purpose. I have wanted to get back to doing art work, but always find an excuse not to.
I guess I need to get back to my gratitude journal. That really helps me put things in perspective.
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