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Traz

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954 Days


Traz

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Today I randomly typed into Google:

"How long has it been since September 2nd, 2019?" And it gave it to me in years, months, days and seconds.

I don't know why, but the days struck me the most: 954. That's how long my mom has been missing from my life. Yet it doesn't seem like such a vast number. Wasn't it only yesterday we spoke? A month or two since our last coffee run?

Today was punctuated by random moments of pure grief in the form of pansies fluttering in the wind, the mud-of -spring smell and robins running about, stomping the grass for worms. Every awakening of spring should elicit feelings of everything that is to come, but I find myself pining instead for all that has gone. There existed a season for my mother, father and brother. They lived their lives for a time and were eventually returned to the earth. It is the way for all of us, but I don't feel comforted knowing that - despite it being 'normal' or the 'way of things.' Unless you have an abundance of extraordinary spirituality or you've been to the 'other side' via an NDE, death is pretty unpleasant. For the grieving anyway.

Grief is like fear. It takes you and holds you under the depths like a school yard bully and when it's grip finally loosens and you come up for air, you feel like you almost didn't make it.  

Sleep eventually comes and its a welcome relief...

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Catherine25

Posted

I just lost my mom. I feel I drown in grieve and sadness. They told me time heals all wounds. Reading this post I understand nothing has the ability to heal this. I feel I am dead already.

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Traz

Posted

Hi Catherine,

I am truly sorry about your Mom. 💗 I was having a 'grieving' day when I wrote this journal entry and it's been up and down for me. I think my grief was delayed by the pandemic and other stressors like both of our adult kids moving home and a family rift. I didn't really start to process the loss until about a year after her death. That's why it still feels raw I think.

Everyone is different on their journey of grief and your loss is so new, please give yourself time. We will always miss our moms, no matter what, but they want us to go on. That's what I feel in my heart anyway. I have good moments too in life and so will you. Remember to be kind to yourself and reach out for support any time. This site has been so helpful. Take good care ♡   

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Catherine25

Posted

Hi Traz,

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I do feel my mom is still with me and want me to be happy. We should take good care of ourselves to let our moms happy.

Take care,

All the best,

Catherine

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