Its been just over two years since my husband passed away. I thought i was doing okay. I've been trying out dating websites, not that I would say I have a great deal of success, but at least I've been trying.
And then my housekeeper/assistant gave me notice.
What does that have to do with grief. She had been my companion, the person that has been there since he passed. And tomorrow is her last day.
It made me realize that though I felt alone losing my husband, now I know how alone I really will be.
When my husband and I first met, we spent almost a year or just over running into each other. Once we actually went on our first date, we went to dinner, we never left each other. After our date we returned to his place, and yes, I stayed the night. And basically I never left him. Or better put, we never left each other. Even though I had my own place, an apartment, I spent all my nonwoking hours at his place, with him. Even though it took us 7 years to marry, in those 7 years we rarely spent a night apart. We would get up, go to our own jobs, then return to each other. And after about a year of my keeping my own place, I gave it up and moved in with him.
When my husband passed, it took me a while to sleep through the night without him. A friend stayed the first few nights, then my sister came and spent about a week with me. Even after my sister left I had my housekeeper/assistant coming over 3 days a week. And a friend would come over for dinner once a week. When I felt I was readyish I attempted to find a date using online dating websites. I admit that has not gone well. And that's what has brought me to the return of my grief and pain.
With my housekeeper/assistant leaving I once again feel that loss of my husband. Its like losing someone you care about all over again, except this time its losing a friend, with an extra helping of still grieving for my husband. Its grief on top of grief. I guess I wish I had at least found someone to date, then I would know I'm not so alone. As it is right now I feel very, very much alone. Its a different type of grief, but I feel that grief nonetheless.
My housekeeper originally began as just a housekeeper before my husband passed. She would come in 3 days a week, help with cleaning, grocery shopping, helping with my husband, and other things. Once my husband passed, she was the person that was here, keeping tabs on me, making sure I was okay.
I know her leaving is for the best for her. But I will miss her. She's unhappy here for a large variety of reasons, none of which have to do with me. And I do wish her the best. I hope she is able to find the life she will be happy with. So staying here is not the best option for her, and for that I hope this move for her will do her well.
But for me, it leaves me feeling a bit like I'm being abandoned. And somehow that is bringing all my grief back. The grief of the loss of my husband, something I'm still working through, and now grieving the loss of my friend. I still have one friend that comes for dinner once a week, but that is little consolation. I'll still have those three days of the week where I'll no longer have anyone around. Nobody to talk to, nobody to do things with. Nobody there.