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I'm starting to understand more how grief has affected me. I'm wondering how many others have experienced similar.

A friend came over recently, for dinner and to watch tv. That may not sound like much. But we watch a series that due to Covid has not aired in about two years. That's about the time my husband has been gone. The last season we watched, two years ago, was season 3. This year season 4 has begun. He remembers season 3, I don't. He was telling me about what had happened in season 3. I didn't remember any of it. I'm not known for being that forgetful. But I don't remember what he was describing.

Just to catch up, I have been watching season 3 on tv, and I understand now what people mean when they said its like a dream. As I watch this season 3 episodes, some of it comes back to me as if I was remembering a dream. It comes in bits and pieces, snatches of this moment or that. Most of it seems new. Its rather as if maybe somewhere parts of it are in my brain, but parts I'm having trouble accessing. I know that this show, that season, played the year my husband passed away. I know I've been in grief. I guess I didn't realize how much that grief profoundly affects my memory of that year. Some things that happened then are etched into my brain, never to be forgotten. And yet, other things, maybe my brain considers them disposable information, unimportant information, I don't know what, but they just don't seem to be important enough for my brain to access. I can't remember.

I know its just a tv show. I know its not really important that I remember it. But what don't I remember? What else is gone, locked away, or just forgotten?

This is a part of grief I didn't expect. Of things people expect, of things I've read, this kind of "memory loss", I'm not sure what else to call it, was unexpected. I wonder how many others have experienced something similar. What else, what other unexpected aspects of grief will I find?


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